Beware, Dawn! Part 2!
My sleep schedule is pretty messed up again so, I decided to work on my snark some more. And lemme tell ya, it's pretty boring. It's all sitting chapters. So, I was right in my surmise that Ellen Miles writes boring books. I just imagine her and Ann at an old biddy meeting talking about how precious little kids are. And how funny, my goodness! Unless their name starts with J! Or they're ginger! Anyways, sorry if there isn't much to this snark. But let's spice it up with a game! Let's see if you can guess who I have a weird crush on! Ready? Let's go!
Part 1!
-Spooky Song of the Day!-
Chapter 6!
Oh, la la la. Dawn is sitting for Jenny. Let's use this as a study as to what really constitutes you as a brat, okay? Exhibit A-Jenny says that Dawn is doing a piss poor job of changing Andrea's diaper. How does Dawn respond? By getting in an 'Am not! Am so!' fight with a four year old. Never mind that Jenny is around Andrea 24/7 and knows more about her! Don't you know?! Dawn always knows best! Dawn shams a smile because she's thinking of the Sitter of the Month contest and doesn't want her 'sure thing' compromised. I bet Jenny can smell those lying smiles a mile away and that's why she's 'difficult'. Because you know Dawn has the fakest ass smile possible.
Exhibit B-Dawn continues to almost lose her cool over a little girl almost ten years younger than her when Jenny says Andrea hates the PJs Dawn chose for her. Jenny continues to tell Dawn she's ass at sitting for her sister and Dawn loses her shit because...my God...because 'she wasn’t giving me a chance to show off what a good sitter I can be'. Hey, genius, riddle me this. Who do you think is going to be voting that you were being a good sitter? Do you really think Andrea is going to say 'Dawn was trying her best but Jenny kept getting in her way! She's such a good sitter! Why can't Jenny leave her alone to show it? Boo hoo!' No, you fucking walnut, it's Jenny that's gonna say 'Ya know, that Schafer bitch don't know shit for shit! All she does is boss me around and treat me like rather stupid dirt! Fuck her in the ear!' and there goes your fucking vote. I guess Dawn spends so much time with her head up her ass, she has literal shit for brains.
Exhibit C-Dawn banishes Jenny from Andrea's room till she's done putting her to bed. Jenny refuses at first but Dawn makes her. And Jenny won't go until she's given Andrea a good night kiss. As an aside, I really wish Ann had made at least some of the kids not like their younger siblings. Why do they all have to be so sickeningly sweet? It's fucking obnoxious. I'm an only child but I had younger cousins and I fucking despised them when they were babies. And others I hate to this day. I seriously doubt most little kids are so in love with snot and shit and scream machines. I still hate fucking babies more than anything. Just seeing them infuriates me. They're disgusting to me. But Ann thinks the nasty little grubs are sweet so we get this greasy sweet garbage. But I guess if Ann knew how to write realistically, we wouldn't be here.
Jenny flounces off and Dawn finishes putting Andrea to bed. As she's getting her ready, the phone rings and she yells down to Jenny to answer it. Jenny doesn't call up to Dawn about who was calling, so Dawn assumes they hung up before she got it. When she gets downstairs, Jenny is drawing a picture and Dawn asks her who was phone. Jenny says Mr Nobody and Dawn is like whut? Jenny says no one was on the line and Dawn is like are you sure? Jenny is like yes, open your fucking ears and Dawn wonders if she's telling the truth or is she pranking her to 'get back' at her. God, Dawn. Just because you scheme on everyone that crosses your path doesn't mean a four year old little girl does too. You're the fucking sociopath in the room, Schafer.
Dawn suggests Candy Land stating that she hates that game but God forbid she not win Sitter of the Month. Awesomely Jenny is like 'Nope. I'm drawing'. Dawn asks if she can draw too and Jenny is like 'Nope. I need all my crayons'. Ah hahahahahaha! Hilarious! Dawn whines that she feels like she's bothering Jenny and you probably are, stupid. Do you really expect to treat her like shit and then have her play all nicey nice with you? She's not Mary Anne. She has dignity. At least Dawn realises she's getting owned by a preschooler and lets Jenny do what she pleases while she looks through some magazines. She does whine about being bored like she would be so entertained by playing with Jenny. And God, I feel like I've said this before but how is this so difficult? Why is it such a bad sitting experience to have a kid play quietly by themselves? Oh, wait, it's not. You're just brainwashed by K Ron into thinking you need to have a fucking marching band running through the house on every sitting job.
Dawn notices that it's past Jenny's bed time and puts her to bed with no fuss. Dawn goes downstairs and forgoes doing her homework in favour of writing that little shit, Jeff. At first she writes 'Dear Jeff, How are you? How’s good old California? I miss you' but decides that's 'boring' and writes 'Dearest Little Bro, What’s up? What’s fresh? Everything’s cool back here in Stoneybrook. What’s happening out there in sunny Cal? And thinks that's 'better'. And I started cry laughing so hard I made myself nauseous. Every time Ann tries to be hip, I just picture this:
Oh, my God, I'm sick! Hee hee! Where was I? Oh, yeah. As Dawn is trying to write nonchalantly about the Sitter of the Month contest, the doorbell rings. She thinks maybe it's the Prezziosos and they forgot their key. But when she looks through the window, no one's there. This makes her a little uneasy since they got that phone call earlier. She opens the door a crack and sees an envelope laying on the porch. Dawn grabs it and takes it inside. She opens it and it says 'You’d better watch out, you’d better not shout! I’m going to get you. Mr X' in cut out letters. Dawn pisses herself then wonders if Jenny did it.
Yes, Dawn. The four year old little girl who practically passed out from being tired, got out of bed, went through a bunch of magazines, cut out letters, glued them to a paper with zero spelling errors, snuck outside, rang the doorbell, ran away, and got back up to bed without you noticing. That all makes total sense. I know I said Dawn has shit for brains but I think that's giving her too much credit because shit has microbes and things that have brains and that's far more than she has. I'm used to the BSC trying to demonize Jenny but good God! It takes Dawn to think she'd develop super powers just to get back at her! Dawn hides the letter in her math book and decides not to let anyone know about it lest she compromise the Sitter of the Month contest. Wise beyond her years, that Schafer!
Chapter 7!
Is it Christmas? I mean, it must be Christmas if a 'Dawn sitting for Jenny' job is followed by a 'Dawn sitting for Jackie' job. Hmm. I just checked the calender and it's Halloween. So, I guess I'm just a lucky bastard who gets to read about two sitting jobs in a row with my fave sitter complaining about her charges. And you're my lucky captives who get to read about it! Dawn is still being a fake ass bitch at the Rodowskys by telling Jackie to come play go fish with her and Archie. Like, everything she's doing she's admitting to only be doing it for the contest. She's admitting this shit! Being an actual good sitter that kids like means nothing to her if she doesn't profit from it! Because this bitch is in a constant state of the need for ass kissery! If she isn't getting her ass kissed 24/7 she doesn't do a damned thing to try and be likable! So many of her books are just about her trying to get people to put her on a pedestal! Aarrrrrggghhhhhh! I FUCKING HATE DAWN!!
Dawn lies some more about how she thinks Jackie is a lot of fun. She mentions the time she helped him make a Halloween costume and how she thought that was 'fun'. Bitch, I snarked that book and you were cowering in the corner crying about how that was the worst bad luck ever because some empty boxes fell over. Don't play with me, Miles. I have no patience for it. Their game keeps getting interrupted by the phone ringing and when Dawn answers, there's no one on the line. She starts to get creeped out but then realises that it's probably Alan. I'm surprised it took her this long to think of that seeing as he's done this before. Frankly I'm surprised her dumb ass doesn't still think it's Jenny.
As she's hanging up the phone, someone rings the doorbell. But again no one is there and an envelope was left. Shea comes down and asks what's going on and Dawn is like nothing. They read the note which says 'I'm watching you Mr X' and Shea gets a little worried. Dawn tells him it's just some guy from school messing with her and not to worry. After she puts the boys to bed, Dawn heads downstairs and calls Alan's house. His mom answers and says he's not home. Dawn thinks she's busted him but his mom says he's in Stamford with his dad. Dawn is hurr durrrr and hangs up on her. And now she's starting to get a little worried.
Chapter 8!
This is a really boring chapter of Jessi sitting for her siblings. I always found the Ramseys really boring so I'll only point out a few things. First Cecilia is in NYC to see an opera which Dawn claims is boring. God, shut up. How is opera any different than going to a ballet? It's fucking not. Yet you go to every one of Jessi's performances and act like you're Hansel, too cool for school. And I would love to go to an opera. And not because I've recently fallen in love with Samuel Ramey's voice. I just happen to like opera. Also, are you trying to tell me that there's something boring in NYC? Ha! As if! Anyways, Jessi also gets a note with some headless flowers saying 'From you secret admirer'. And of course she thinks she won't tell anyone lest she lose the Sitter of the Month contest. Good to know common sense runs rampant through the BSC.
Chapter 9!
Man, why did I say I'd do this book when it's nothing but sitting chapters? And hurrah, this one is at the Pikes. Mal and MA are sitting and Dawn talks about the Pikes eating habits. Amazingly, she says for all the crap they eat, they're super healthy. Hmm! Well, now doesn't that make you sound like a piece of shit when you go on and on and on about people's unhealthy eating habits being bad for them? It's almost like you don't know what the Hell you're talking about and just put people down to feel better about yourself and seem like you're special! That's suuuure is what it seems like!
Oh, but you thought the hypocrisy was over? Ha! The hypocrisy flows like cocaine up Ann's nose in an Ann book! Because the triplets are fighting over who gets to eat out of a certain bowl but they're not picky and spoiled! No mention is made about what pains in the ass they're being! Nope! Not a one! Oh, those Pike kids! They're so spirited! Who cares that they're demanding to eat from certain plates or eat with chopsticks or singing gross songs or disobeying? Ha ha! They're just kids! So funny! Oh hohohohoho! I'm laughing all the way to the insane asylum!
As all the apes are eating, the doorbell rings and Mal goes to answer it. Nobody's there and a note was left. You may be seeing a pattern here. The note says 'Do you like your hamster? If you do, you’d better keep an eye on him' and there's a picture of an eye on it. Eeh, I prefer 'Let's bee friends' and there's a picture of a bee on it! Mal calls Mary Anne over but Adam sneaks over, grabs the note and freaks the fuck out. He alerts the other apes and they go apeshit and try to think of ways to protect Frodo. Which of course means hassling the poor animal so much he's gonna fashion a little noose. Mal and MA agree not to tell anyone about it. Although, how are they going to keep the ape children from telling their parents? Well, Ann hates logic so we'll never get an answer to that question.
Chapter 10!
No no no! I cannot stand the fucking Kormans. Bill and Melody are boring as shit but I despise fucking Skylar. She is always fucking crying. She is the most fucking annoying kid there is. Okay one of the most. Plus I would throw anyone who doesn't like cats in a wood chipper. Anyways, I'm not covering it. Let's watch a spoopy kitty instead!
Part 1!
-Spooky Song of the Day!-
Chapter 6!
Oh, la la la. Dawn is sitting for Jenny. Let's use this as a study as to what really constitutes you as a brat, okay? Exhibit A-Jenny says that Dawn is doing a piss poor job of changing Andrea's diaper. How does Dawn respond? By getting in an 'Am not! Am so!' fight with a four year old. Never mind that Jenny is around Andrea 24/7 and knows more about her! Don't you know?! Dawn always knows best! Dawn shams a smile because she's thinking of the Sitter of the Month contest and doesn't want her 'sure thing' compromised. I bet Jenny can smell those lying smiles a mile away and that's why she's 'difficult'. Because you know Dawn has the fakest ass smile possible.
Exhibit B-Dawn continues to almost lose her cool over a little girl almost ten years younger than her when Jenny says Andrea hates the PJs Dawn chose for her. Jenny continues to tell Dawn she's ass at sitting for her sister and Dawn loses her shit because...my God...because 'she wasn’t giving me a chance to show off what a good sitter I can be'. Hey, genius, riddle me this. Who do you think is going to be voting that you were being a good sitter? Do you really think Andrea is going to say 'Dawn was trying her best but Jenny kept getting in her way! She's such a good sitter! Why can't Jenny leave her alone to show it? Boo hoo!' No, you fucking walnut, it's Jenny that's gonna say 'Ya know, that Schafer bitch don't know shit for shit! All she does is boss me around and treat me like rather stupid dirt! Fuck her in the ear!' and there goes your fucking vote. I guess Dawn spends so much time with her head up her ass, she has literal shit for brains.
Exhibit C-Dawn banishes Jenny from Andrea's room till she's done putting her to bed. Jenny refuses at first but Dawn makes her. And Jenny won't go until she's given Andrea a good night kiss. As an aside, I really wish Ann had made at least some of the kids not like their younger siblings. Why do they all have to be so sickeningly sweet? It's fucking obnoxious. I'm an only child but I had younger cousins and I fucking despised them when they were babies. And others I hate to this day. I seriously doubt most little kids are so in love with snot and shit and scream machines. I still hate fucking babies more than anything. Just seeing them infuriates me. They're disgusting to me. But Ann thinks the nasty little grubs are sweet so we get this greasy sweet garbage. But I guess if Ann knew how to write realistically, we wouldn't be here.
Jenny flounces off and Dawn finishes putting Andrea to bed. As she's getting her ready, the phone rings and she yells down to Jenny to answer it. Jenny doesn't call up to Dawn about who was calling, so Dawn assumes they hung up before she got it. When she gets downstairs, Jenny is drawing a picture and Dawn asks her who was phone. Jenny says Mr Nobody and Dawn is like whut? Jenny says no one was on the line and Dawn is like are you sure? Jenny is like yes, open your fucking ears and Dawn wonders if she's telling the truth or is she pranking her to 'get back' at her. God, Dawn. Just because you scheme on everyone that crosses your path doesn't mean a four year old little girl does too. You're the fucking sociopath in the room, Schafer.
Dawn suggests Candy Land stating that she hates that game but God forbid she not win Sitter of the Month. Awesomely Jenny is like 'Nope. I'm drawing'. Dawn asks if she can draw too and Jenny is like 'Nope. I need all my crayons'. Ah hahahahahaha! Hilarious! Dawn whines that she feels like she's bothering Jenny and you probably are, stupid. Do you really expect to treat her like shit and then have her play all nicey nice with you? She's not Mary Anne. She has dignity. At least Dawn realises she's getting owned by a preschooler and lets Jenny do what she pleases while she looks through some magazines. She does whine about being bored like she would be so entertained by playing with Jenny. And God, I feel like I've said this before but how is this so difficult? Why is it such a bad sitting experience to have a kid play quietly by themselves? Oh, wait, it's not. You're just brainwashed by K Ron into thinking you need to have a fucking marching band running through the house on every sitting job.
Dawn notices that it's past Jenny's bed time and puts her to bed with no fuss. Dawn goes downstairs and forgoes doing her homework in favour of writing that little shit, Jeff. At first she writes 'Dear Jeff, How are you? How’s good old California? I miss you' but decides that's 'boring' and writes 'Dearest Little Bro, What’s up? What’s fresh? Everything’s cool back here in Stoneybrook. What’s happening out there in sunny Cal? And thinks that's 'better'. And I started cry laughing so hard I made myself nauseous. Every time Ann tries to be hip, I just picture this:
Oh, my God, I'm sick! Hee hee! Where was I? Oh, yeah. As Dawn is trying to write nonchalantly about the Sitter of the Month contest, the doorbell rings. She thinks maybe it's the Prezziosos and they forgot their key. But when she looks through the window, no one's there. This makes her a little uneasy since they got that phone call earlier. She opens the door a crack and sees an envelope laying on the porch. Dawn grabs it and takes it inside. She opens it and it says 'You’d better watch out, you’d better not shout! I’m going to get you. Mr X' in cut out letters. Dawn pisses herself then wonders if Jenny did it.
Yes, Dawn. The four year old little girl who practically passed out from being tired, got out of bed, went through a bunch of magazines, cut out letters, glued them to a paper with zero spelling errors, snuck outside, rang the doorbell, ran away, and got back up to bed without you noticing. That all makes total sense. I know I said Dawn has shit for brains but I think that's giving her too much credit because shit has microbes and things that have brains and that's far more than she has. I'm used to the BSC trying to demonize Jenny but good God! It takes Dawn to think she'd develop super powers just to get back at her! Dawn hides the letter in her math book and decides not to let anyone know about it lest she compromise the Sitter of the Month contest. Wise beyond her years, that Schafer!
Chapter 7!
Is it Christmas? I mean, it must be Christmas if a 'Dawn sitting for Jenny' job is followed by a 'Dawn sitting for Jackie' job. Hmm. I just checked the calender and it's Halloween. So, I guess I'm just a lucky bastard who gets to read about two sitting jobs in a row with my fave sitter complaining about her charges. And you're my lucky captives who get to read about it! Dawn is still being a fake ass bitch at the Rodowskys by telling Jackie to come play go fish with her and Archie. Like, everything she's doing she's admitting to only be doing it for the contest. She's admitting this shit! Being an actual good sitter that kids like means nothing to her if she doesn't profit from it! Because this bitch is in a constant state of the need for ass kissery! If she isn't getting her ass kissed 24/7 she doesn't do a damned thing to try and be likable! So many of her books are just about her trying to get people to put her on a pedestal! Aarrrrrggghhhhhh! I FUCKING HATE DAWN!!
Dawn lies some more about how she thinks Jackie is a lot of fun. She mentions the time she helped him make a Halloween costume and how she thought that was 'fun'. Bitch, I snarked that book and you were cowering in the corner crying about how that was the worst bad luck ever because some empty boxes fell over. Don't play with me, Miles. I have no patience for it. Their game keeps getting interrupted by the phone ringing and when Dawn answers, there's no one on the line. She starts to get creeped out but then realises that it's probably Alan. I'm surprised it took her this long to think of that seeing as he's done this before. Frankly I'm surprised her dumb ass doesn't still think it's Jenny.
As she's hanging up the phone, someone rings the doorbell. But again no one is there and an envelope was left. Shea comes down and asks what's going on and Dawn is like nothing. They read the note which says 'I'm watching you Mr X' and Shea gets a little worried. Dawn tells him it's just some guy from school messing with her and not to worry. After she puts the boys to bed, Dawn heads downstairs and calls Alan's house. His mom answers and says he's not home. Dawn thinks she's busted him but his mom says he's in Stamford with his dad. Dawn is hurr durrrr and hangs up on her. And now she's starting to get a little worried.
Chapter 8!
This is a really boring chapter of Jessi sitting for her siblings. I always found the Ramseys really boring so I'll only point out a few things. First Cecilia is in NYC to see an opera which Dawn claims is boring. God, shut up. How is opera any different than going to a ballet? It's fucking not. Yet you go to every one of Jessi's performances and act like you're Hansel, too cool for school. And I would love to go to an opera. And not because I've recently fallen in love with Samuel Ramey's voice. I just happen to like opera. Also, are you trying to tell me that there's something boring in NYC? Ha! As if! Anyways, Jessi also gets a note with some headless flowers saying 'From you secret admirer'. And of course she thinks she won't tell anyone lest she lose the Sitter of the Month contest. Good to know common sense runs rampant through the BSC.
Chapter 9!
Man, why did I say I'd do this book when it's nothing but sitting chapters? And hurrah, this one is at the Pikes. Mal and MA are sitting and Dawn talks about the Pikes eating habits. Amazingly, she says for all the crap they eat, they're super healthy. Hmm! Well, now doesn't that make you sound like a piece of shit when you go on and on and on about people's unhealthy eating habits being bad for them? It's almost like you don't know what the Hell you're talking about and just put people down to feel better about yourself and seem like you're special! That's suuuure is what it seems like!
Oh, but you thought the hypocrisy was over? Ha! The hypocrisy flows like cocaine up Ann's nose in an Ann book! Because the triplets are fighting over who gets to eat out of a certain bowl but they're not picky and spoiled! No mention is made about what pains in the ass they're being! Nope! Not a one! Oh, those Pike kids! They're so spirited! Who cares that they're demanding to eat from certain plates or eat with chopsticks or singing gross songs or disobeying? Ha ha! They're just kids! So funny! Oh hohohohoho! I'm laughing all the way to the insane asylum!
As all the apes are eating, the doorbell rings and Mal goes to answer it. Nobody's there and a note was left. You may be seeing a pattern here. The note says 'Do you like your hamster? If you do, you’d better keep an eye on him' and there's a picture of an eye on it. Eeh, I prefer 'Let's bee friends' and there's a picture of a bee on it! Mal calls Mary Anne over but Adam sneaks over, grabs the note and freaks the fuck out. He alerts the other apes and they go apeshit and try to think of ways to protect Frodo. Which of course means hassling the poor animal so much he's gonna fashion a little noose. Mal and MA agree not to tell anyone about it. Although, how are they going to keep the ape children from telling their parents? Well, Ann hates logic so we'll never get an answer to that question.
Chapter 10!
No no no! I cannot stand the fucking Kormans. Bill and Melody are boring as shit but I despise fucking Skylar. She is always fucking crying. She is the most fucking annoying kid there is. Okay one of the most. Plus I would throw anyone who doesn't like cats in a wood chipper. Anyways, I'm not covering it. Let's watch a spoopy kitty instead!
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