Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls! Part One!
Hey, guys! So, I'm all caught up on Sailor Moon and got so emotional over it I ordered a skin for my 3DS. I should have had this posted yesterday but I fell asleep while writing it. So, I hope it's not too boring for y'all. It may not be as rant filled as my last snark but I think it'll suffice. I notice that these early books are a lot more tolerable than later ones.Because let's face it, a lot of the later ones are insanity made solid. And in spite of some dumb moments, this isn't that bad. Let's go!
Chapter 1!
Wow. Right in with the exposition? Okay, I'll play. I'll raise you with a pair of skimming eyes. Blah blah blah. Claudia sucks at anything that requires you to have more than two brain cells to rub together. So, her parents make Janine or Mimi help her with school work. Mimi's helping her and even though I love Mimi this isn't interesting. They talk about how Halloween is coming up and excuse me a mo-Aaaaahhhhhh!! Halloween! Yes! Yes! Yes! I love Halloween! Ahem. Thank you. Claudia talks about how she loves clothes and yay, an outfit-'purple pants that stop just below my knees and are held up with suspenders, white tights with clocks on them, a purple-plaid shirt with a matching hat, my high-top sneakers, and lobster earrings'. Not terrible but not great either. I'd switch the shirt out with a plain white one and the lobster earrings have no reason to be in anyone's wardrobe but otherwise okay. Also I totally have those tights on Poupee.
Anyway, Mimi is about to go but Claudia asks if they can work on a portrait of her she's working on. Claudia says that you should really work in the day time and yeah, I guess? I do lots of drawing in my semi-dark room. I've been meaning to buy me a natural light lamp but they're mad expensive and I need to buy me a new PS2 first. As Claudia works she asks Mimi to tell her about when she was a little girl in Japan, and I gotta tell you, I'm a sucker for old people's childhood stories. Mimi talks about how she was really close to her sister and Claudia asks why isn't she close to Janine. Gee, ya think it might have something to do with you being a clogged nostril to her? But Mimi just says being friends takes work and we all know how Claudia feels about that.
After Mimi leaves Claudia gets out a Nancy Drew book and gets her read on. And not gonna lie, I tried reading Nancy Drew because of these books and I couldn't get through one chapter it was so boring. She also eats some root beer barrels and yuck. I despise root beer. Even the smell makes me sick. She gets distracted from her reading thinking about Trevor Sandborne. Whenever I hear the name Trevor I think of this gross bastard:
So that's who I'm gonna picture for this snark. Claudia is getting all hot thinking about Trevor's 'brooding eyes' and freckles. And again with freckles being a nice thing? Don't get me wrong, I love freckles. But Ann is always like 'Eww! Mal has grody ol' freckles!' Kinda twisted there aren't you, Martin? Stacey calls and interrupts her saucy puppet show and asks what she's thinking about. Claudia says Trevor and Stacey says she was thinking about Sam. I'm aro-ace so I can't say but do people really just sit around thinking about people romantically? That's so weird to me. I can see if it was your actual boyfriend but just thinking about them out of the blue? I dunno. I'm no fun.
Stacey says she was wishing she knew more people and Claudia says she will and I have a hearty laugh because Kristy will soon be breaking their kneecaps for talking to outsiders. And to show that she's already becoming part of the collective, she says the whole BSC should go out and do something together. Because the best way to meet new people is to hang out with the same old ones.
Chapter 2!
So, the BSC got together but can't think of anything to do because Mary Anne is a prisoner, Stacey has diabetes (no really, they say that) and K-Ron and Claudia have already seen the apparently only movie playing in town. Um, why couldn't they go to the movies? Yeah, Kristy and Claudia already saw it but they can't watch it again with their friends? Was it a really crap movie or something? Was it Howard the Duck? They really can't take one for the team? Okay.
Kristy says they could check out a trunk of old toys and Claudia snots that she's so much more grown-up then K-Ron and MA because like, she's not into toys. MA even still dresses up her plushies! Shut the Hell up, Claudia. I'd beat you with a bat if it would get me the Build-a-Bear Toothless plush. People have different tastes. Get over yourself. I see no difference in dressing up your plushies and wearing friggin' lobster earrings. If I had a choice to dress my toys or look like Little Miss Red Lobster, I'm not choosing the latter. Also dressing in 'kilts and plain blouses' is fine by me. At least I won't look like I just rolled a katamari through Goodwill and wore whatever stuck.
Claudia says she'll tell them a secret and Stacey already knows and Kristy gets defensive. Shut up, K-Ron. That's her best friend. I'm sure you would tell MA a secret before you told Claudia or Stacey. Claudia's big secret is that she's in love with Trevor! Squeee! They talk a little about Trevor and Alan because he sits near Trevor. You know, these early books are weird in that the exposition is spread around. Rather than being a huge infodump. It's like Confuse-a-Cat. So, apparently Alan is out for Kristy after she faked him out with a fake lunch in the fifth grade.
Mary Anne is reading the newspaper and suddenly she screeches and holds the paper away from her. It turns out there's an article about a mysterious 'Phantom Phone Caller' who calls houses and if there's no answer, he robs them. And for that you screeched and held the paper away from you? I think you need some meds there, MA. Also, wow. House phones. How dated. Although we have a house phone. No clue why, seeing as we all have cell phones. Isn't that right, baby? *smooch* Sorry I'm really attached to my phone. Not because I use it often but because it's decorated with nerd-a-robillia.
Stacey says that's no biggie because New York has worse crimes and I'm half laughing and half rolling my eyes. On one hand, you're a snot McGill who needs to constantly remind everyone on where you're from. On the other hand, ha, ha! New York has crime! It's not perfect! MA points out that he's moving closer to Stoneybrook and that's cause for panic. Oh, MA. Haven't you heard? Don't panic. And always bring a towel. The Phantom Phone Caller (PPC from now on) doesn't even hurt anyone. He's been in houses with people there and does nothing. Yeah, getting robbed would suck but being beaten would suck worse. Anyway, they get panicked enough for Kristy to call an emergency meeting.
Chapter 3!
At their emergency meeting Claudia gives chocolate to Kristy and MA but has nothing for Stacey. And I'm still pissed at Stacey over my last snark and just think 'good'. Stacey sadly is the only one showing sense by pointing out that the PPC hasn't done anything in the 'Brook yet and that he only robs really rich people. But they decide they should be prepared anyway. And so is birthed the great red ribbon code of '86. And it was Stacey's idea so now we know who to blame.
Ugh, more exposition! This time on what the club notebook and record book are. They decide to start bringing the record book with them to school so they can study it and always know where the others are sitting. Yeah, let's see how long till that backfires on them. They also decide to rig up burglar alarms and again, that's totally gonna backfire on you geniuses. Blah blah blah. More boring code talk.
Chapter 4!
At school, Claudia is totally stalking Trevor. Alan catches her at it and starts chanting the ol' sitting in a tree crap. She also thinks someone told about her liking Trevor because her standing there staring at him isn't a big glaring clue that she likes him or anything. In class, Claudia is fantasizing about being alone with Trevor. Gross. Also I highly doubt Claudia knows what the forth dimension is. Her teacher starts babbling some math crap and I start to snooze. I'm out of school and never want to think about math again unless I'm counting money. In English class she says she has to read The Pond and she doesn't get it. I've never read it but a quick Amazon search doesn't make it look like advanced stuff. God, Claudia is dumb.
In the lunch line, Claudia wants to cut ahead to stand with Stacey but she's standing next to some guy named Alexander Kurtzman who-'carries a briefcase and wears a jacket and tie, and lives to obey rules'. Who does this?! I swear Ann has never met a teen or been one herself. I can seeing being into rules (I am myself) but dressing in a suit? Also a suit vs. the stuff Claudia wears? Yeah, you get what I'm saying. She gets her lunch and sits with the 'cool kids' and snore. I don't care about teens talking. I didn't even care about it when I was a teen.
Dorianne starts sighing and moping and generally being really obvious and Claud asks her what's up. She says her grandparents were robbed last night. She says they live in New Hope and Claud is like oh, thank God! Which of course is pretty shitty to say so Dorianne is like 'you dope'. The boys drop some food and it gets on Emily's mohair sweater and oh, man. I would love a pink mohair sweater but it's never sweater weather here. Emily is pissed because it's not even her sweater, it's her sister's. And yeah, if I was her sister I'd get out my beatin' bat.
Claudia takes Emily to the bathroom and helps her clean up. Kinky! Or maybe that's just me seeing as a guy once used getting food on me as an excuse to feel me up. I ended up punching him. Frankly, I would peg MA as the one who'd be all 'let me wipe that up! Off your chest...your magnificent chest...' Emiily asks what's going on with Claud and Trevor and Claudia is like 'How'd you know that!?' She says she heard it from Dorianne. Claudia is like 'I'ma kick Kristy's ass because she obviously told!' And Emily is like 'Since when does Kristy care about anyone over age ten?' Claudia thinks that's a good point but still yells at Kristy later. Kristy is like 'Since when do I care about anyone over age ten?!' And Claudia apologises. But now they think they have a mystery on their hands. *sigh*
In class, the principal makes an announcement that they're gonna hold a dance for Halloween. And he says it's their first dance. Which means the Halloween Hop was the start of it all. National talk like a pirate day?! Arrrr! We be having a dance, matey! Claudia wonders if Trevor will go and wonders further if he'll ask her. She sighs that *sigh* Trevor doesn't even know little ol' me is alive *sigh*. So why don't you ask him? Everyone's always talking about how pretty you are, don't you think he'll say yes? Aren't you the 'cool artist'? Come on, Kishi! You have the ego for this!
Chapter 5!
Claudia sitting for Jamie. Now, I think Jamie is a pretty cute kid but a baby-sitting chapter is a baby-sitting chapter and therefore mad boring. I will point out that Claud is wearing her teddy bear barrettes and Mrs. Newton is like 'Maybe I'll get some for the baby, should it be a girl' and I laugh so hard I think I pulled something. See?! I told y'all that Claudia has worn baby things before! So suck it, Stacey! Tess can wear what she pleases!
Claudia takes Jamie outside and hears the phone ring and because she flunked Practical Thinking 101, she doesn't want to answer it in case it's the PPC...Claudia, what have your brains been swapped with? Pencil shavings? Rabbit droppings? A Scientology pamphlet? Did you totally forget the PPC's MO? He robs houses where they don't answer the phone. She hears someone on the other side of the fence and says 'Let's be spies' and her and Jamie sneak to the gate. It turns out it was Kristy. Elizabeth made a casserole for the Newton's since Mrs. N has a bun in the oven and probably doesn't feel like cooking.
Claudia tells Kristy about the phone ringing and her not answering it and what? Kristy doesn't hit with a bar of soap in a sock? Because I'm pretty sure a 'good' sitter answers the phone in case it's the parents calling. I just have no idea why Claud didn't answer the phone. I mean, I get it. Claudia's dumb. But can she really not think practically at all? You know the PPC's MO! I would be sprinting to the phone if I thought there was a chance of getting robbed for not answering it. God! And as always, a baby-sitting chapter calls for something dumb!
Chapter 1!
Wow. Right in with the exposition? Okay, I'll play. I'll raise you with a pair of skimming eyes. Blah blah blah. Claudia sucks at anything that requires you to have more than two brain cells to rub together. So, her parents make Janine or Mimi help her with school work. Mimi's helping her and even though I love Mimi this isn't interesting. They talk about how Halloween is coming up and excuse me a mo-Aaaaahhhhhh!! Halloween! Yes! Yes! Yes! I love Halloween! Ahem. Thank you. Claudia talks about how she loves clothes and yay, an outfit-'purple pants that stop just below my knees and are held up with suspenders, white tights with clocks on them, a purple-plaid shirt with a matching hat, my high-top sneakers, and lobster earrings'. Not terrible but not great either. I'd switch the shirt out with a plain white one and the lobster earrings have no reason to be in anyone's wardrobe but otherwise okay. Also I totally have those tights on Poupee.
Anyway, Mimi is about to go but Claudia asks if they can work on a portrait of her she's working on. Claudia says that you should really work in the day time and yeah, I guess? I do lots of drawing in my semi-dark room. I've been meaning to buy me a natural light lamp but they're mad expensive and I need to buy me a new PS2 first. As Claudia works she asks Mimi to tell her about when she was a little girl in Japan, and I gotta tell you, I'm a sucker for old people's childhood stories. Mimi talks about how she was really close to her sister and Claudia asks why isn't she close to Janine. Gee, ya think it might have something to do with you being a clogged nostril to her? But Mimi just says being friends takes work and we all know how Claudia feels about that.
After Mimi leaves Claudia gets out a Nancy Drew book and gets her read on. And not gonna lie, I tried reading Nancy Drew because of these books and I couldn't get through one chapter it was so boring. She also eats some root beer barrels and yuck. I despise root beer. Even the smell makes me sick. She gets distracted from her reading thinking about Trevor Sandborne. Whenever I hear the name Trevor I think of this gross bastard:
So that's who I'm gonna picture for this snark. Claudia is getting all hot thinking about Trevor's 'brooding eyes' and freckles. And again with freckles being a nice thing? Don't get me wrong, I love freckles. But Ann is always like 'Eww! Mal has grody ol' freckles!' Kinda twisted there aren't you, Martin? Stacey calls and interrupts her saucy puppet show and asks what she's thinking about. Claudia says Trevor and Stacey says she was thinking about Sam. I'm aro-ace so I can't say but do people really just sit around thinking about people romantically? That's so weird to me. I can see if it was your actual boyfriend but just thinking about them out of the blue? I dunno. I'm no fun.
Stacey says she was wishing she knew more people and Claudia says she will and I have a hearty laugh because Kristy will soon be breaking their kneecaps for talking to outsiders. And to show that she's already becoming part of the collective, she says the whole BSC should go out and do something together. Because the best way to meet new people is to hang out with the same old ones.
Chapter 2!
So, the BSC got together but can't think of anything to do because Mary Anne is a prisoner, Stacey has diabetes (no really, they say that) and K-Ron and Claudia have already seen the apparently only movie playing in town. Um, why couldn't they go to the movies? Yeah, Kristy and Claudia already saw it but they can't watch it again with their friends? Was it a really crap movie or something? Was it Howard the Duck? They really can't take one for the team? Okay.
Kristy says they could check out a trunk of old toys and Claudia snots that she's so much more grown-up then K-Ron and MA because like, she's not into toys. MA even still dresses up her plushies! Shut the Hell up, Claudia. I'd beat you with a bat if it would get me the Build-a-Bear Toothless plush. People have different tastes. Get over yourself. I see no difference in dressing up your plushies and wearing friggin' lobster earrings. If I had a choice to dress my toys or look like Little Miss Red Lobster, I'm not choosing the latter. Also dressing in 'kilts and plain blouses' is fine by me. At least I won't look like I just rolled a katamari through Goodwill and wore whatever stuck.
Claudia says she'll tell them a secret and Stacey already knows and Kristy gets defensive. Shut up, K-Ron. That's her best friend. I'm sure you would tell MA a secret before you told Claudia or Stacey. Claudia's big secret is that she's in love with Trevor! Squeee! They talk a little about Trevor and Alan because he sits near Trevor. You know, these early books are weird in that the exposition is spread around. Rather than being a huge infodump. It's like Confuse-a-Cat. So, apparently Alan is out for Kristy after she faked him out with a fake lunch in the fifth grade.
Mary Anne is reading the newspaper and suddenly she screeches and holds the paper away from her. It turns out there's an article about a mysterious 'Phantom Phone Caller' who calls houses and if there's no answer, he robs them. And for that you screeched and held the paper away from you? I think you need some meds there, MA. Also, wow. House phones. How dated. Although we have a house phone. No clue why, seeing as we all have cell phones. Isn't that right, baby? *smooch* Sorry I'm really attached to my phone. Not because I use it often but because it's decorated with nerd-a-robillia.
Stacey says that's no biggie because New York has worse crimes and I'm half laughing and half rolling my eyes. On one hand, you're a snot McGill who needs to constantly remind everyone on where you're from. On the other hand, ha, ha! New York has crime! It's not perfect! MA points out that he's moving closer to Stoneybrook and that's cause for panic. Oh, MA. Haven't you heard? Don't panic. And always bring a towel. The Phantom Phone Caller (PPC from now on) doesn't even hurt anyone. He's been in houses with people there and does nothing. Yeah, getting robbed would suck but being beaten would suck worse. Anyway, they get panicked enough for Kristy to call an emergency meeting.
Chapter 3!
At their emergency meeting Claudia gives chocolate to Kristy and MA but has nothing for Stacey. And I'm still pissed at Stacey over my last snark and just think 'good'. Stacey sadly is the only one showing sense by pointing out that the PPC hasn't done anything in the 'Brook yet and that he only robs really rich people. But they decide they should be prepared anyway. And so is birthed the great red ribbon code of '86. And it was Stacey's idea so now we know who to blame.
Ugh, more exposition! This time on what the club notebook and record book are. They decide to start bringing the record book with them to school so they can study it and always know where the others are sitting. Yeah, let's see how long till that backfires on them. They also decide to rig up burglar alarms and again, that's totally gonna backfire on you geniuses. Blah blah blah. More boring code talk.
Chapter 4!
At school, Claudia is totally stalking Trevor. Alan catches her at it and starts chanting the ol' sitting in a tree crap. She also thinks someone told about her liking Trevor because her standing there staring at him isn't a big glaring clue that she likes him or anything. In class, Claudia is fantasizing about being alone with Trevor. Gross. Also I highly doubt Claudia knows what the forth dimension is. Her teacher starts babbling some math crap and I start to snooze. I'm out of school and never want to think about math again unless I'm counting money. In English class she says she has to read The Pond and she doesn't get it. I've never read it but a quick Amazon search doesn't make it look like advanced stuff. God, Claudia is dumb.
In the lunch line, Claudia wants to cut ahead to stand with Stacey but she's standing next to some guy named Alexander Kurtzman who-'carries a briefcase and wears a jacket and tie, and lives to obey rules'. Who does this?! I swear Ann has never met a teen or been one herself. I can seeing being into rules (I am myself) but dressing in a suit? Also a suit vs. the stuff Claudia wears? Yeah, you get what I'm saying. She gets her lunch and sits with the 'cool kids' and snore. I don't care about teens talking. I didn't even care about it when I was a teen.
Dorianne starts sighing and moping and generally being really obvious and Claud asks her what's up. She says her grandparents were robbed last night. She says they live in New Hope and Claud is like oh, thank God! Which of course is pretty shitty to say so Dorianne is like 'you dope'. The boys drop some food and it gets on Emily's mohair sweater and oh, man. I would love a pink mohair sweater but it's never sweater weather here. Emily is pissed because it's not even her sweater, it's her sister's. And yeah, if I was her sister I'd get out my beatin' bat.
Claudia takes Emily to the bathroom and helps her clean up. Kinky! Or maybe that's just me seeing as a guy once used getting food on me as an excuse to feel me up. I ended up punching him. Frankly, I would peg MA as the one who'd be all 'let me wipe that up! Off your chest...your magnificent chest...' Emiily asks what's going on with Claud and Trevor and Claudia is like 'How'd you know that!?' She says she heard it from Dorianne. Claudia is like 'I'ma kick Kristy's ass because she obviously told!' And Emily is like 'Since when does Kristy care about anyone over age ten?' Claudia thinks that's a good point but still yells at Kristy later. Kristy is like 'Since when do I care about anyone over age ten?!' And Claudia apologises. But now they think they have a mystery on their hands. *sigh*
In class, the principal makes an announcement that they're gonna hold a dance for Halloween. And he says it's their first dance. Which means the Halloween Hop was the start of it all. National talk like a pirate day?! Arrrr! We be having a dance, matey! Claudia wonders if Trevor will go and wonders further if he'll ask her. She sighs that *sigh* Trevor doesn't even know little ol' me is alive *sigh*. So why don't you ask him? Everyone's always talking about how pretty you are, don't you think he'll say yes? Aren't you the 'cool artist'? Come on, Kishi! You have the ego for this!
Chapter 5!
Claudia sitting for Jamie. Now, I think Jamie is a pretty cute kid but a baby-sitting chapter is a baby-sitting chapter and therefore mad boring. I will point out that Claud is wearing her teddy bear barrettes and Mrs. Newton is like 'Maybe I'll get some for the baby, should it be a girl' and I laugh so hard I think I pulled something. See?! I told y'all that Claudia has worn baby things before! So suck it, Stacey! Tess can wear what she pleases!
Claudia takes Jamie outside and hears the phone ring and because she flunked Practical Thinking 101, she doesn't want to answer it in case it's the PPC...Claudia, what have your brains been swapped with? Pencil shavings? Rabbit droppings? A Scientology pamphlet? Did you totally forget the PPC's MO? He robs houses where they don't answer the phone. She hears someone on the other side of the fence and says 'Let's be spies' and her and Jamie sneak to the gate. It turns out it was Kristy. Elizabeth made a casserole for the Newton's since Mrs. N has a bun in the oven and probably doesn't feel like cooking.
Claudia tells Kristy about the phone ringing and her not answering it and what? Kristy doesn't hit with a bar of soap in a sock? Because I'm pretty sure a 'good' sitter answers the phone in case it's the parents calling. I just have no idea why Claud didn't answer the phone. I mean, I get it. Claudia's dumb. But can she really not think practically at all? You know the PPC's MO! I would be sprinting to the phone if I thought there was a chance of getting robbed for not answering it. God! And as always, a baby-sitting chapter calls for something dumb!