Mary Anne and the Bad Luck Mystery! Part 1!
Ah, 1988. The year I saw Die Hard and immediately developed a huge squish on Hans Gruber. That's why I don't listen to Snape fangirls because I've liked him for over 20 years. They can just sit down. Anyway, I used to really like this book because 1) It was a Mary Anne book and 2) HALLOWEEN! Halloweenhalloweenhalloween! I loved reading about Halloween in safe neighbourhoods where you could do actual trick-or-treating. I loved reading about kids making costumes and what they were wearing. And I still enjoy it. That said, most of this book is super stupid. By the time I was 13 I no longer believed in bad luck. I still did superstitious things but that was more habit than anything. Also, their 'bad luck' is so lightweight. Call me when you lose an eye, MA. Well, let's go!
-Spooky Song of the Day!-
Chapter 1!
Kristy is doing her stupid 'talk about how gross lunch is' shtick that I've always really hated for some reason. Maybe because its so immature. Maybe because I don't like seeing food wasted. Maybe because it's so unnecessary. Maybe because I dislike K-Ron doing something that clearly makes her supposed 'best friend' uncomfortable. I dunno but I hate it. And because we would be lost on the scenario of a teen girl eating with her friends, we get a rundown of everyone. Highlights include Dawn being a 'trendy dresser'. Because individuals always follow the latest trends. The words you're looking for are 'dirty hipster' there, MA.
And Hell's bells, get a load of this Claudia outfit-'an oversized white shirt with a green vegetable print all over it - cabbages and squashes and turnips and stuff. Under the blouse was a very short jean skirt, white stockings, green anklets over the stockings, and lavender sneakers, the kind boys usually wear, with a lot of rubber and big laces and the name of the manufacturer in huge letters on the side. […] Claudia had pulled the hair on one side of her head back with a yellow clip that looked like a poodle. The hair on the other side of her head was hanging in her face. Attached to the one ear you could see was a plastic earring about the size of a jar lid.'
Sweet Holy Jesus, what a mess. A vegetable print shirt?! What?! Is she trying to get Dawn to neck her or something? Lavender, green, and yellow? No! And lavender sneakers 'like boys wear'? I Googled that and no shoes came up that I could see any teen boy I know wear. Don't get me wrong, they were super cute but not something most guys would be caught dead in. Also, this was '88, everyone wore those big sneakers. Ever heard of L.A. Gear, Ann? British Knights? Reebok? I myself had some super fly L.A. Gear sneakers with the awesome 'gills' on the side. I loved those damned things. If I had the money, I'd buy me a vintage pair right now.
When she describes Logan we get a wonderful example of a Southern accent in 'May-rih Ay-on Spee-yuh'. That's not a Southern accent. That's how the gryphons talked in Many Waters. Or the guy from these games. They get to talking about the upcoming Halloween Hop, when MA gets the creepy feeling of being watched. She looks behind her and Cokie and Grace are watching them and snickering. MA thinks it's because Kristy has been wearing the same clothes for SEVEN WEEKS. Jesus Christ on a unicorn! Seven weeks?! That's like two months! What the ever-loving deep fried Hell! I get that Kristy is a gross tomboy but God! I am too but I still launder my fucking clothes! Why the Hell has Elizabeth not put a stop to this?! Why isn't the school investigating this?! And how does a so called ~*professional sitter*~ show up to a clients house smelling like a garbage barge?! I'm much confused.
Chapter 2!
MA is super excite because she got a letter! She has no time to read it though because she has to run to Claud's for a meeting. And because a meeting has started, I know I can skim because holy shit we all know the drill. During a lull in the meeting, MA opens her letter and is disappointed that's it's a chain letter. It says that she has to send out twenty letters or bad luck will follow. In the only smart thought in this book, MA says that's some old bullshit and won't be sending any letters. This causes Mal and Jessi to clasp their bibs and shake their rattles in fear. How can MA even think of doing something so dire?! Didn't she read that letter?! Bad luck will follow her and her loved ones! That means them! Oh, waily waily waily! MA hears ya, MA don't care and throws the letter away.
Chapter 3!
MA wakes up the next morning by falling out of her bed. That's why I sleep on a single mattress on the ground because I sure as Hell never want to fall out of bed. I also surround myself with a perimeter of boxes and shit because I'm paranoid of some cucuy standing next to my bed watching me sleep. Watching Sightings every week as a kid kinda fucked me up, ya know? Richard comes running in and MA wishes she could just die. Now I get super embarrassed over little things but even I wouldn't feel that bad. No one saw her. I think it was worse when she nearly killed someone with her shoe that time.
The day keeps getting worse when MA spills her orange juice on her white dress. And you know what spilled juice is in the BSC-verse, a total catastrophe! Richard tells her to take a chill pill so, yeah, this isn't a big deal, MA. Not long ago I spilled my tea and some of it got on my DS. I had about five heart attacks but it was fine because Nintendo makes some damn fine machines. I also once burned myself and spilled my oatmeal and my carpet smelled like strawberries forever. Chill the Hell out.
At school, MA has more 'bad luck' in the form of not being able to open her locker, leaving her math homework at home, and spilling her mac and cheese at lunch. And 'one of the worst things' is that she snapped at Logan when he teased her. After lunch she goes to get Little Women from the library and it's not there. Waa waa! When she gets home she gets her own copy to read when Beth dies to feel better. Just the kind of behaviour from a sensitive teen girl and not one who steals people's faces to wallpaper her basement. She's interrupted when Mrs. Newton calls asking her where she is because her kids won't watch themselves. MA starts thinking maybe there's something to that bad luck letter after all. Oh, dear.
Chapter 4!
No, I'm not gonna read about Dawn being a huge piss baby and shitting on Jackie for no reason. All I have to say is that Jackie wants to be a robot for Halloween and that's adorable. Tell the BSC to bite your shiny metal ass, Jackie!
Jackie's got some moves!
Chapter 5!
On Friday, MA is super excite (again!) to find a package for her in the mail. But then she notices that the address is written in cut out letters. Her first thought is that Tigger was kitten-napped and runs to find him. He's fine of course because this isn't the book where MA is an idiot who loses her tiny kitten. When she gets to Claudia's, Kristy points out that the box is addressed to MA and the BSC. Once everyone is there, MA makes a big show of unwrapping the box like it's filled with venomous spiders or something. Inside is a necklace and a note that says MA has to wear said necklace or else. Okay. The note says it's a bad luck charm so, she has to wear it or she'll have bad luck? 'Wear this thing that causes bad luck! Or else you'll have bad luck!' Here's my theory. When a baby is born in Stoneybrook the maternity nurses play hot potato with them while wearing buttered latex gloves. All those dropped babies lead to idiot schemes (Cokie) and idiot gullibility (the BSC).
Since logic has no place in an Ann book, the BSC starts pointing out that they've all been experiencing bad luck and can't risk for anything worse to happen. MA, trying to hold onto that last brain cell, points out that their examples of Jackie being clumsy and Claudia failing tests kinda happen all the time, ya know? But Jessi says she fell in class and Mal was busted for talking in class. Okay, Mal. Your talking in class wasn't bad luck. It was you just being a dumbass.
MA, gullible fool that she is, says she'd better wear the necklace because Lord knows what kind of bad luck will follow if she doesn't. Mal actually says the necklace is 'evil'. Sure, Mal. Asmodeus himself forged it so that a teacher would catch you talking. MA briefly wonders who sent the necklace and they can't come up with anyone. Really?! They really can't think of the one person that hates Mary Anne?! This isn't ancient Egyptian algebra! Mal continues to be an idiot by saying they need to find a way to ward off the 'evil forces'.
-Spooky Song of the Day!-
Chapter 1!
Kristy is doing her stupid 'talk about how gross lunch is' shtick that I've always really hated for some reason. Maybe because its so immature. Maybe because I don't like seeing food wasted. Maybe because it's so unnecessary. Maybe because I dislike K-Ron doing something that clearly makes her supposed 'best friend' uncomfortable. I dunno but I hate it. And because we would be lost on the scenario of a teen girl eating with her friends, we get a rundown of everyone. Highlights include Dawn being a 'trendy dresser'. Because individuals always follow the latest trends. The words you're looking for are 'dirty hipster' there, MA.
And Hell's bells, get a load of this Claudia outfit-'an oversized white shirt with a green vegetable print all over it - cabbages and squashes and turnips and stuff. Under the blouse was a very short jean skirt, white stockings, green anklets over the stockings, and lavender sneakers, the kind boys usually wear, with a lot of rubber and big laces and the name of the manufacturer in huge letters on the side. […] Claudia had pulled the hair on one side of her head back with a yellow clip that looked like a poodle. The hair on the other side of her head was hanging in her face. Attached to the one ear you could see was a plastic earring about the size of a jar lid.'
Sweet Holy Jesus, what a mess. A vegetable print shirt?! What?! Is she trying to get Dawn to neck her or something? Lavender, green, and yellow? No! And lavender sneakers 'like boys wear'? I Googled that and no shoes came up that I could see any teen boy I know wear. Don't get me wrong, they were super cute but not something most guys would be caught dead in. Also, this was '88, everyone wore those big sneakers. Ever heard of L.A. Gear, Ann? British Knights? Reebok? I myself had some super fly L.A. Gear sneakers with the awesome 'gills' on the side. I loved those damned things. If I had the money, I'd buy me a vintage pair right now.
When she describes Logan we get a wonderful example of a Southern accent in 'May-rih Ay-on Spee-yuh'. That's not a Southern accent. That's how the gryphons talked in Many Waters. Or the guy from these games. They get to talking about the upcoming Halloween Hop, when MA gets the creepy feeling of being watched. She looks behind her and Cokie and Grace are watching them and snickering. MA thinks it's because Kristy has been wearing the same clothes for SEVEN WEEKS. Jesus Christ on a unicorn! Seven weeks?! That's like two months! What the ever-loving deep fried Hell! I get that Kristy is a gross tomboy but God! I am too but I still launder my fucking clothes! Why the Hell has Elizabeth not put a stop to this?! Why isn't the school investigating this?! And how does a so called ~*professional sitter*~ show up to a clients house smelling like a garbage barge?! I'm much confused.
Chapter 2!
MA is super excite because she got a letter! She has no time to read it though because she has to run to Claud's for a meeting. And because a meeting has started, I know I can skim because holy shit we all know the drill. During a lull in the meeting, MA opens her letter and is disappointed that's it's a chain letter. It says that she has to send out twenty letters or bad luck will follow. In the only smart thought in this book, MA says that's some old bullshit and won't be sending any letters. This causes Mal and Jessi to clasp their bibs and shake their rattles in fear. How can MA even think of doing something so dire?! Didn't she read that letter?! Bad luck will follow her and her loved ones! That means them! Oh, waily waily waily! MA hears ya, MA don't care and throws the letter away.
Chapter 3!
MA wakes up the next morning by falling out of her bed. That's why I sleep on a single mattress on the ground because I sure as Hell never want to fall out of bed. I also surround myself with a perimeter of boxes and shit because I'm paranoid of some cucuy standing next to my bed watching me sleep. Watching Sightings every week as a kid kinda fucked me up, ya know? Richard comes running in and MA wishes she could just die. Now I get super embarrassed over little things but even I wouldn't feel that bad. No one saw her. I think it was worse when she nearly killed someone with her shoe that time.
The day keeps getting worse when MA spills her orange juice on her white dress. And you know what spilled juice is in the BSC-verse, a total catastrophe! Richard tells her to take a chill pill so, yeah, this isn't a big deal, MA. Not long ago I spilled my tea and some of it got on my DS. I had about five heart attacks but it was fine because Nintendo makes some damn fine machines. I also once burned myself and spilled my oatmeal and my carpet smelled like strawberries forever. Chill the Hell out.
At school, MA has more 'bad luck' in the form of not being able to open her locker, leaving her math homework at home, and spilling her mac and cheese at lunch. And 'one of the worst things' is that she snapped at Logan when he teased her. After lunch she goes to get Little Women from the library and it's not there. Waa waa! When she gets home she gets her own copy to read when Beth dies to feel better. Just the kind of behaviour from a sensitive teen girl and not one who steals people's faces to wallpaper her basement. She's interrupted when Mrs. Newton calls asking her where she is because her kids won't watch themselves. MA starts thinking maybe there's something to that bad luck letter after all. Oh, dear.
Chapter 4!
No, I'm not gonna read about Dawn being a huge piss baby and shitting on Jackie for no reason. All I have to say is that Jackie wants to be a robot for Halloween and that's adorable. Tell the BSC to bite your shiny metal ass, Jackie!
Jackie's got some moves!
Chapter 5!
On Friday, MA is super excite (again!) to find a package for her in the mail. But then she notices that the address is written in cut out letters. Her first thought is that Tigger was kitten-napped and runs to find him. He's fine of course because this isn't the book where MA is an idiot who loses her tiny kitten. When she gets to Claudia's, Kristy points out that the box is addressed to MA and the BSC. Once everyone is there, MA makes a big show of unwrapping the box like it's filled with venomous spiders or something. Inside is a necklace and a note that says MA has to wear said necklace or else. Okay. The note says it's a bad luck charm so, she has to wear it or she'll have bad luck? 'Wear this thing that causes bad luck! Or else you'll have bad luck!' Here's my theory. When a baby is born in Stoneybrook the maternity nurses play hot potato with them while wearing buttered latex gloves. All those dropped babies lead to idiot schemes (Cokie) and idiot gullibility (the BSC).
Since logic has no place in an Ann book, the BSC starts pointing out that they've all been experiencing bad luck and can't risk for anything worse to happen. MA, trying to hold onto that last brain cell, points out that their examples of Jackie being clumsy and Claudia failing tests kinda happen all the time, ya know? But Jessi says she fell in class and Mal was busted for talking in class. Okay, Mal. Your talking in class wasn't bad luck. It was you just being a dumbass.
MA, gullible fool that she is, says she'd better wear the necklace because Lord knows what kind of bad luck will follow if she doesn't. Mal actually says the necklace is 'evil'. Sure, Mal. Asmodeus himself forged it so that a teacher would catch you talking. MA briefly wonders who sent the necklace and they can't come up with anyone. Really?! They really can't think of the one person that hates Mary Anne?! This isn't ancient Egyptian algebra! Mal continues to be an idiot by saying they need to find a way to ward off the 'evil forces'.