FIC: Come Sail the Friendly Skies
Title: Come Sail the Friendly Skies
Recipient: xtricks for the tw_femficfest
Author: blue_fjords
Rating: R
Characters/Pairings: Carys, Tosh, Kathy Swanson (Carys/Tosh)
Spoilers and Warnings: AU after "Exit Wounds."
Word count: 4,400
Summary: I combined all three prompts: Tosh - sweet as it was, that little last message was just a ruse. She wasn't about to let death stop her; DI Swanson - people Torchwood deals with disappear too often; Carys - the retcon at the end of 'Day One' didn't take for her. What happened next?
Beta: paragraphs -- sorry for my lateness!!!
Author Notes: The song is from that awesomest of Rankin/Bass collaborations, "The Wind in the Willows" (title song sung by Judy Collins).
The wind blew in through her open window, bringing with it the smells of grass and sheep, rain and petrol from Dav Ifan's tractor. Carys shivered and burrowed deeper into her cardigan. She should really get up and close the shutters, and she sent several darting glances towards the open portal before deciding through lack of action that she would just deal with the cold damp. She flipped another page of her book, her eyes skimming the words but her mind restlessly prowling, slinking across the hills and over dusty roads and stone bridges, always worrying at the memories of Cardiff like a tongue on a sore tooth.
Follow the wind's song, soon will it fade…
She jerked her head up as the line of melody floated into the cottage. It motivated her as the cold could not, and she padded on bare feet across the chilled stone floor to the window and stuck her head outside. There was no sign of another human being.
Soon, soon, you shall forget…
Her hand closed convulsively on the shutter. She slammed it shut and dived back beneath her blankets. The taunting music seeped in through the cracks. She could imagine it outside, standing on the weathered stone step before the cottage's front door, knocking. Knocking, pounding, scratching…
Rap, rap.
Carys blinked. That sounded like a real knock. Cautiously, like a turtle poking its head out of its shell, she pushed the blankets off her face.
Rap, rap.
"Who's there?" Carys called, wincing at the quavering of her own voice.
"Captain Toshiko Sato," a woman's voice said through the door. "Will you let me in, Carys?"
Carys opened the door to a dead woman. Toshiko Sato, Captain Toshiko Sato, strode through, calmly pulling off blood-red gloves of a strange leather. Carys blinked a few times, her mind rearranging what she had read in the Cardiff papers she got in the post on Fridays. Just a few weeks ago, Cardiff had been the target of terrorist attacks, and Toshiko Sato had lost her life bravely defending the city. No mention had been made of Torchwood, but Carys could never forget who they'd been. Or were, still.
Captain Sato paused in the middle of the floor, hands-on-hips. "Hmmm," she said, revolving slowly on the spot as she surveyed the entirety of the cottage, the whole of Carys's world. Carys felt a blush creep up her neck. The place was a mess and held only the most rudimentary of comforts, and there was Captain Sato, looking every inch the pirate queen, with her knee-high boots (the same blood-red leather of her gloves) and weapons hanging from the belt holding up her britches. At least, Carys assumed they were weapons; there were gadgets there she had never seen before in her life. Torchwood.
"Um," Carys began, searching for her voice. Captain Sato turned her head and focused her attention on Carys. Carys's palms dampened with sweat. "Um. How are you here?"
"I flew, Carys," Captain Sato replied.
"Oh!" Carys took a step back. "I didn't hear you arrive," she said. "I mean, of course I wouldn't. You couldn't very well land a - a ship in amongst the sheep -"
"Actually, I could. And I did. It's a very quiet ship, due to the Floxian engine upgrade I gave it a few years ago." Captain Sato stopped talking abruptly. "You weren't asking about my mode of transportation, though, were you?"
Carys shook her head mutely.
"You've…you've heard that I died, haven't you?"
"It was in the papers," Carys whispered. "You were a hero."
"I just did what needed doing," Captain Sato said, shrugging her shoulders slightly. The modesty wasn't faked, and for the first time, Carys could see Tosh in Captain Sato; Tosh who had checked in with her after The Incident and the retcon failed, and found this cottage for her when she could no longer live beneath her father's roof, not with her memories.
"I don't understand." Carys sat down heavily on her unmade bed. "How are you here?" she repeated.
Captain Sato - Tosh - sighed and crossed to the armchair in front of the fireplace. "It's a little strange, even by our standards," she started, giving Carys a small smile to let her know she was included in the 'our'. "First thing to keep in mind is, there are other worlds, or, to be more accurate, realities. I don't just mean planets we've never explored. I mean other versions of Here, of Now. And of course it's very dangerous to interact with the other realities - the whole, if a butterfly flaps its wings in the Third Earth, then dodos are extinct in the First Earth."
"I guess there are lots of butterflies on the Third Earth?" Carys asked, and Tosh smiled again. She had a lovely smile, and Carys imagined for a moment that it was a private smile for her before she remembered that people didn't give her private smiles anymore.
"At any rate, there are ways of contacting the other realities, and in many cases, there are other versions of us over there, too. Which is how I am here." She sat back in her chair.
"I still don't understand," Carys admitted. "Are you you you, or a you from somewhere else?"
"A little of both, really," Tosh answered. "Me, from an Earth that is much more technologically advanced, created, well, me as you see me, but she, or should I say, I, needed a system to run it. Me. And that's where I, I who you knew, came in."
Carys stared at her. There was something different about this Tosh, and it wasn't just the outfit. When she called herself Captain, Carys believed her. The Tosh she knew brought her tea and talked books and jumped when her mobile went off, dashing back to Cardiff and Torchwood. This Tosh watched her keenly and nodded at her expression, as if she understood something Carys herself did not.
"You're thinking that I'm different, personality-wise," Tosh said. "Honestly, I am a little. It's been…odd integrating myself into an operating system. Naturally, there are a few kinks, but I am confident I can work them out. My left foot insisted on tap dancing for the first week."
"Wait." Realization was dawning on Carys now, and she lost all tact to blurt out, "Are you a robot?"
"Not precisely," Tosh answered. "There is nothing artificial about my intelligence. You see, I created a failsafe, but it would only work if my body died in the Hub. Then my mind entered the Rift. I was - the best approximation would be a beam of light. I just followed the beacon until I found myself.” She leaned forward, lowering her voice, and Carys found herself mimicking the motion. “The things I saw, Carys!”
Awe, excitement and joy chased each other across her face, tightening into smile lines at her eyes and around her mouth before loosening into a gentle tenderness. Carys dug her hands into her thighs, her heart racing.
"There are places out there you wouldn't believe. Trees grow upside down, aliens speak with voices that bring tears to your eyes, the sound is so beautiful - and the technology! Feel my skin." She unbuttoned the cuff of her jacket and rolled up the sleeve, holding out her arm for inspection. Carys hesitated a moment before laying a finger on the smooth skin. She had never touched Tosh before, not even a brush of fingertips during one of her visits (Six visits, six more than the likes of you should ever have expected.) Her skin felt cool, but not abnormally so. It felt like Carys's own arm.
"It doesn't feel fake at all," Carys declared, flushing slightly at her own lack of diplomacy and the proximity of another human being - quasi human being.
"Of course it doesn't! Because I'm brilliant, even me from over there." Tosh brusquely rolled her sleeve back down. "At any rate, I hate to make such a quick visit -"
Carys rose to her feet, nodding her head. Seventh visit down. "It was very…kind of you to drop by, Captain Sato," she said, babbling. "Come by in a few months and I'll have wool to make, um," she floundered a bit, having never knit a thing in her life, "uh, a jumper…"
Tosh hadn't stood up. She watched Carys fumble for words with a bemused expression on her face.
"Carys. I hadn't got to the point yet." She smiled again, and Carys wondered for a moment if the other Tosh in the other Earth had been exceptionally bubbly and infused this Tosh with sunshine. "I came to ask you to come with me. Well, with us."
Carys's jaw dropped. "Do - do you mean…Out There? To other realities?"
"Oh, no, I think we shall try to stick to the galaxies in our own time! Less messy," Tosh added. "But I do mean space. I have a ship out there with the sheep, and a First Mate. We even have a Noble Quest. I could show you things -"
"You don't have to convince me; I'll go," Carys interrupted her. "Um. Let me get dressed." She was still wearing her nightgown beneath the cardigan, even though it was nearing teatime. She did that a lot. Tosh stood and looked politely at a wall while Carys pulled on some clothes and ran a brush through her hair. She tried not to think about it. What was there to think about? Stay in Wales as a hermit, or see the universe? She'd spent nearly two years inside her own head and one thing she'd found was that it was time for a holiday.
"I'm ready," she said, and Tosh turned to face her.
"Brilliant! Shall we?" she offered Carys her arm and tactfully did not comment on the fact that Carys brought no mementos with her. "I have clothes and a toothbrush and such onboard for you, no need to worry about a thing."
Carys gave a little start. She hadn't worried about that stuff at all. Desperate Carys, escaping the Welsh countryside with nothing but the clothes on her back, beats off attackers by the smell of her morning breath.
"Um, so…who's your First Mate? And…the Noble Quest?"
Tosh plucked one of her gadgets from her belt and pressed the button. If Carys hadn't been holding onto her arm already, she would have fallen, as the air to the right of her cottage door wavered and became -
"Bloody hell, it really is a space ship!"
It was about the size of the Millennium Falcon, Carys guessed, but the shape of a svelte rubber ducky, and it gleamed copper despite the overcast skies. As she watched, open-mouthed, a kind of drawbridge opened up in the duck's chest and a black woman in a sensible pantsuit walked down the ramp.
"Carys, this is my First Mate, Kathy Swanson, formerly of the Cardiff Police. Kathy, this is Carys. Carys needs a holiday."
Kathy raised an eyebrow and stuck out her hand. "I hope that's a euphemism. This won't be a bloody holiday."
"Em…" Carys mumbled, shaking her hand.
"Right, well, that's sorted." Kathy released her and led the way back up the ramp. "I'll have her up in two minutes, Captain!" she called back over her shoulder.
"Kathy's a little eager to start rescuing people," Tosh said with a smile. "Come. I'll explain along the way."
Carys took a deep breath and followed her up the ramp. She did not look back.
***
Day 1
Space is…big. I wish I had a way with words, but I don’t, not really. Tosh gave me this journal, but if she's looking for a Captain’s Log or somesuch journal to save for posterity, it wouldn’t be this one. I dunno why I’m here. I know what Tosh said, but she’s so grand as the Captain and Kathy is so tough and determined. She wants to find people who've been kidnapped by the "Rift" which I don't even understand. Tosh tried to explain it to me, but who'm I kidding? All that stuff is Greek to me. It's just - this all sounded amazing when Tosh was explaining it to me in the cottage. Kathy's Noble Quest, though - it's, I want to help the people, I do. I just don't understand where I fit. I’m just me. I dunno what I bring to this band of brothers sisters. All I know is space is big. We saw a shooting star and it was easily the coolest thing I had ever experienced. One shooting star in space. I like it here, I do, despite being more than a bit useless.
Day 4
We saved someone today! Followed “Rift Coordinates” to this planet with PURPLE GRASS. I know I should have been focusing on the weird creatures - kangaroos with elephant ears, giant mice with pig snouts, these crazy, jewel-colored ostrich-like birds who could actually fly - but it was the purple grass that seemed genuinely, well, ALIEN. It was like a fucking Dr. Seuss book! And to think I saw it on Mulberry Street…or Planet Xzzy, I should say. Anyhow, we found a woman the Rift had stolen from Cardiff - Judy Jones, 27 in 1972. 27 now, still. I didn’t step off the ship when we brought her back to Cardiff. I’m glad we saved her, but what’s she going to do now? I’ve been at the mercy of Torchwood’s reintegration policies myself. Kathy can keep her Grand Mission. I prefer the purple grass.
Day 8
I had the dream again last night. I was on fire and running from place to place. Everything I touched burned. I was so thirsty, parched, and these men came towards me with buckets of water. I had to yell at them to run, get away from me, couldn't they see what I was? But they didn't run and they burned and their water burned and everything fucking was on fire.
When I woke up, Tosh was in my bunk, and she gave me a glass of water. I was so glad she didn't say anything.
Day 12
Tosh can hear the ship’s song, too. It’s been driving me batty, always at the edge of my mind. I’ve started humming it, for fuck’s sake. Tosh kept looking over at me, like she used to do before she was the Captain, then she finally asked what I was humming. I said it was the accursed song that this ship spits out (well, I said it nicer), and her face got all soft, and she began to sing it. That shut me up. Tosh has the most beautiful voice in the world. galaxy.
Day 19
We flew beside a school pod of flying whales today. I know that’s not what they really are, but they looked it, with huge bulky bodies and long flippers. They were surprisingly graceful, diving and gamboling all around us. Even Kathy thought them a bit of a lark, and sat still for an hour to watch them, practically unheard of. Tosh said they called to each other like Earth whales, but of course we couldn’t hear them in space. I wish we could’ve.
Day 27
Kathy almost got us all killed today. She’s just so focused on her Grand Mission that she sometimes forgets little things, like personal safety or mealtime or the teensy fact that the rest of us want to survive, thank you very much! Tosh spoke to her afterwards in her Captain’s voice. It’s almost impossible to have a little privacy on this ship. I don’t think Kathy will be quite as reckless in the future.
Day 34
There’s a planet made of pink mist out here. I wish I had the proper words to describe it, something elegant and beautiful. The planet was like Tosh. There, that does it. It had no name, so I shall name it Tosh’s Planet. Tosh had to hold my hand so I wouldn’t get lost in the mist. We were looking for a man from our Earth who’d disappeared in 1988, but when we found him, he told Kathy he didn’t want to go back. Why return to Cardiff, where he had no job and would know no one, when he could stay here? There are hot springs on Tosh’s Planet, hundreds of them, and they smell like sunshine and freshly baked bread and Tosh’s perfume, I swear that’s what that was. Everything is covered in the pink mist, except on the highest points. He took us there and leapt off. I thought for sure he was going to die, but he floated through the mist. I didn’t want to jump, but Tosh held out her hand and said we could do it together. So then I said I would. It felt like falling into a lake of pillows, and Tosh laughed and gripped my hand. It was the most beautiful thing. I didn’t want to leave, either.
Day 39
Bollocks. I don’t know why the fuck we bother sometimes. Lost a child. Kathy is furious and Tosh is upset. I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m doing here, I’m useless and pointless.
Day 42
Tosh gave up her eye for me. It was the most horrible thing. I don't know if I'll ever stop shaking. I just wanted to be useful for once, I wanted to be helpful for Kathy's damn mission. But I got stolen instead. And Tosh had to trade her eye, her perfect cyber eye, for me. I know she's not got a real body, but seeing it…it was so weird, and I know it caused her pain. Her mind feels everything, no matter that her body's not really human. She still fucking bled when she…and she has to wear that stupid bloody eyepatch. It mocks me. It's fucking proof that she should have left me on the Welsh coast, she shouldn't have even let me out of Cardiff. I ruin everything. I can't believe I ruined Tosh.
***
Carys closed her journal and stood, stretching cramped muscles. Tosh's room, though the largest on board, was still relatively small: just a bed, a wardrobe that didn't open properly, and a desk and chair bolted to the wooden floor. A brightly woven throw rug added a splash of color. Carys glanced at the bed, her eyes skittering over Tosh's body just to reassure herself that the woman was asleep, and then tiptoed quietly to the door.
"Carys." The whisper stopped her dead in her tracks, but Carys could not turn around. Not to look her in the face.
"Carys," Tosh whispered again, voice a little stronger. "Please. Please look at me."
Carys squeezed her eyes shut and turned around. Tosh's soft sigh sounded very loud in the room, despite the ever-present susurration of the engines, the low hum of the autopilot, and Kathy moving around in the Maintenance Bay.
"Carys," Tosh said for the third time, and then Carys felt lips on her own. Her eyes flew open of their own accord and she backpedaled until she bumped into the far wall.
"You shouldn't kiss me," Carys gasped out. "I'd be bad for you."
"Really?" Tosh's one good eye widened, and she frowned. "I don't agree."
All Carys could do was shake her head, sliding bonelessly down to the floor.
"I'm of the opinion that you're very good for me, actually," Tosh continued, walking forward with less hesitation than she'd shown since Carys and Kathy had helped her up the ramp and into her room. "You make me stronger. You didn't really know me well before, Carys. I could always take the lead if I had to," she said, kneeling down next to Carys, graceful on her knees, "but I didn't want to until I met you again. You trusted me, and you gave me confidence. I wanted you to feel safe."
Carys finally looked up at her. She raised a trembling hand to Tosh's face, felt the soft skin, the silky hair, the coarse edge of the cord holding up the eyepatch. It was impossible, impossible for Tosh to look at her like that. Not Carys, the killer freak sex addict. But she was, her eye lit with affection and desire, a little smile quirking her lips.
"Now I really want to know, Carys," Tosh said, turning her face into Carys's hand and kissing her palm. "What is it you want?"
"You," Carys whispered. "I just want you."
Tosh smiled wide, as if she'd been hoping for that response. She shifted on her knees and pushed herself up to her full height. "That's something I can give you. Come on," she said, offering her hand to Carys.
Carys gripped it and stood on shaky legs. Tosh watched her silently, that soft smile on her face. Waiting, letting it be her decision. Carys took a deep breath, squeezed Tosh's hand and took the lead to the bed. Tosh laughed quietly, a joyous noise yet too dignified to be classified as a giggle, and followed along, letting Carys gently pull off the nightshirt she'd put on when they got back to the ship and letting it fall in a messy heap on the floor. Tosh's fingers were quick and nimble on Carys's belts and buckles and buttons, clothing tugged and pushed until she stood at the edge of the bed in nothing but her skin.
Tosh had stopped laughing, her one eye darkening with desire and her lips parting. Carys covered her body with her own, forcing Tosh flat on her back. Tosh went willingly, gasping when their nipples brushed each other. Carys swallowed the gasp in her mouth. Tosh felt real beneath her, each reaction what Carys would expect, familiar despite the extreme strangeness of the situation. She kissed Tosh desperately because she was desperate, craving the affection Tosh gave freely and the sensation of being so wholly wanted by another human being, forgetting for a moment that she wasn't. Right now there's nothing that separates her from humanity.
She snaked a hand between them and pushed Tosh's legs open. Absolutely nothing that separates her from me. Tosh gasped again, louder and strong enough to break the kiss, when Carys touched her, rubbing at the wetness between her legs.
"Carys!" Tosh's eye was looking a bit more wild now.
"It's okay," Carys assured her. "I've got you." The words sounded strange on her lips, but she knew them to be the truth. And Tosh nodded at her, her mouth going a bit slack as Carys worked a finger inside her, feeling moist flesh and muscle, a hip bone jutting into her skin as Tosh bucked into the touch.
Carys slid down her body a little, and took a nipple into her mouth at the same time she added another finger, stroking and exploring and -
"Carys!" Tosh shrieked, her body jerking. "There, oh, there." Her babbling morphed into Japanese as Carys added a third finger.
Tosh screamed when she came, her heels drumming the mattress, and Carys pulled slightly back to take in the sight of Tosh's flushed skin and spit-slick nipple, her body losing complete control at Carys's touch. She was beautiful. Carys leaned forward and began to suck and tease the other nipple as Tosh came down from her orgasm.
"Carys," Tosh murmured, and stroked a hand through her sweaty hair. "Thank you."
Carys hummed around the nipple in her mouth. "Don’t need to thank me."
Tosh drew her hand down Carys's face, thumb stroking her neck, fingers cupping a breast, tickling her stomach until Carys tensed. Tosh shot her a questioning look. "Is this…alright?"
"I - let's just sleep now. You must be tired." Carys was not panicking. Or maybe she was a little. But she couldn't risk Tosh. One look at her eye, though, and Carys knew Tosh already knew everything.
"Carys, it's gone. You won't hurt me," Tosh said quietly. Carys looked away.
"I killed so many men." She tried to keep the whimper from her voice, but did not wholly succeed. "Please, let's just go to sleep."
"That wasn't you. It was an alien, using your body. Carys, I am so, so sorry that you can never forget it. But you are not to blame. Truly. Don't you believe me?"
She did. It was easy to believe Tosh. But to have faith in her own body? That was different. It had betrayed her and it was not easy to go back.
"Carys. I can prove it to you. Please. Please trust me."
Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes, but she nodded her head slowly. This was Tosh. Tosh who could pilot a ship and pull out her own eye. She could trust Tosh with anything. Tosh stretched her out in the bed and kissed her gently on the lips, not touching anywhere else or trying to move at all. Just kissing her until her body relaxed and her head began to spin from lack of oxygen. Tosh moved slowly down Carys's body with her lips, as if Carys was this precious thing that should be worshipped, Tosh's tongue licking and lapping at her skin until Tosh was kneeling between her legs and Carys felt a tingly fire beneath her skin. For once, it was not the raging fire that burned her in her dreams. This fire made her feel alive instead of an instrument of destruction. Tosh's tongue licked inside of her, feeding the flame. The orgasm took her completely by surprise. She came in a rush of pleasure, no white light, no fire, no death. Just normal, welcome release. She sobbed with relief.
Tosh's arms were around her in an instant, whole and alive, and Carys cried harder. Tosh finally rocked her to sleep, singing softly into her hair, and when Carys woke up the next morning, she could not remember any of her dreams.
***
Day 43
Kathy has new coordinates. A new person to save. I hope we succeed. Tosh got behind the controls in the cockpit this morning and we took off, no worse the wear for being one eye short. I sat next to her and watched the stars as Kathy obsessed over her charts and maps. It's weird; I think she likes me more for trying to help her, even though I messed up. When the ship began to sing that odd song, I think we all heard the same words this time:
Come to the river, sail to the sea, all of your life is waiting to be.
Recipient: xtricks for the tw_femficfest
Author: blue_fjords
Rating: R
Characters/Pairings: Carys, Tosh, Kathy Swanson (Carys/Tosh)
Spoilers and Warnings: AU after "Exit Wounds."
Word count: 4,400
Summary: I combined all three prompts: Tosh - sweet as it was, that little last message was just a ruse. She wasn't about to let death stop her; DI Swanson - people Torchwood deals with disappear too often; Carys - the retcon at the end of 'Day One' didn't take for her. What happened next?
Beta: paragraphs -- sorry for my lateness!!!
Author Notes: The song is from that awesomest of Rankin/Bass collaborations, "The Wind in the Willows" (title song sung by Judy Collins).
The wind blew in through her open window, bringing with it the smells of grass and sheep, rain and petrol from Dav Ifan's tractor. Carys shivered and burrowed deeper into her cardigan. She should really get up and close the shutters, and she sent several darting glances towards the open portal before deciding through lack of action that she would just deal with the cold damp. She flipped another page of her book, her eyes skimming the words but her mind restlessly prowling, slinking across the hills and over dusty roads and stone bridges, always worrying at the memories of Cardiff like a tongue on a sore tooth.
Follow the wind's song, soon will it fade…
She jerked her head up as the line of melody floated into the cottage. It motivated her as the cold could not, and she padded on bare feet across the chilled stone floor to the window and stuck her head outside. There was no sign of another human being.
Soon, soon, you shall forget…
Her hand closed convulsively on the shutter. She slammed it shut and dived back beneath her blankets. The taunting music seeped in through the cracks. She could imagine it outside, standing on the weathered stone step before the cottage's front door, knocking. Knocking, pounding, scratching…
Rap, rap.
Carys blinked. That sounded like a real knock. Cautiously, like a turtle poking its head out of its shell, she pushed the blankets off her face.
Rap, rap.
"Who's there?" Carys called, wincing at the quavering of her own voice.
"Captain Toshiko Sato," a woman's voice said through the door. "Will you let me in, Carys?"
Carys opened the door to a dead woman. Toshiko Sato, Captain Toshiko Sato, strode through, calmly pulling off blood-red gloves of a strange leather. Carys blinked a few times, her mind rearranging what she had read in the Cardiff papers she got in the post on Fridays. Just a few weeks ago, Cardiff had been the target of terrorist attacks, and Toshiko Sato had lost her life bravely defending the city. No mention had been made of Torchwood, but Carys could never forget who they'd been. Or were, still.
Captain Sato paused in the middle of the floor, hands-on-hips. "Hmmm," she said, revolving slowly on the spot as she surveyed the entirety of the cottage, the whole of Carys's world. Carys felt a blush creep up her neck. The place was a mess and held only the most rudimentary of comforts, and there was Captain Sato, looking every inch the pirate queen, with her knee-high boots (the same blood-red leather of her gloves) and weapons hanging from the belt holding up her britches. At least, Carys assumed they were weapons; there were gadgets there she had never seen before in her life. Torchwood.
"Um," Carys began, searching for her voice. Captain Sato turned her head and focused her attention on Carys. Carys's palms dampened with sweat. "Um. How are you here?"
"I flew, Carys," Captain Sato replied.
"Oh!" Carys took a step back. "I didn't hear you arrive," she said. "I mean, of course I wouldn't. You couldn't very well land a - a ship in amongst the sheep -"
"Actually, I could. And I did. It's a very quiet ship, due to the Floxian engine upgrade I gave it a few years ago." Captain Sato stopped talking abruptly. "You weren't asking about my mode of transportation, though, were you?"
Carys shook her head mutely.
"You've…you've heard that I died, haven't you?"
"It was in the papers," Carys whispered. "You were a hero."
"I just did what needed doing," Captain Sato said, shrugging her shoulders slightly. The modesty wasn't faked, and for the first time, Carys could see Tosh in Captain Sato; Tosh who had checked in with her after The Incident and the retcon failed, and found this cottage for her when she could no longer live beneath her father's roof, not with her memories.
"I don't understand." Carys sat down heavily on her unmade bed. "How are you here?" she repeated.
Captain Sato - Tosh - sighed and crossed to the armchair in front of the fireplace. "It's a little strange, even by our standards," she started, giving Carys a small smile to let her know she was included in the 'our'. "First thing to keep in mind is, there are other worlds, or, to be more accurate, realities. I don't just mean planets we've never explored. I mean other versions of Here, of Now. And of course it's very dangerous to interact with the other realities - the whole, if a butterfly flaps its wings in the Third Earth, then dodos are extinct in the First Earth."
"I guess there are lots of butterflies on the Third Earth?" Carys asked, and Tosh smiled again. She had a lovely smile, and Carys imagined for a moment that it was a private smile for her before she remembered that people didn't give her private smiles anymore.
"At any rate, there are ways of contacting the other realities, and in many cases, there are other versions of us over there, too. Which is how I am here." She sat back in her chair.
"I still don't understand," Carys admitted. "Are you you you, or a you from somewhere else?"
"A little of both, really," Tosh answered. "Me, from an Earth that is much more technologically advanced, created, well, me as you see me, but she, or should I say, I, needed a system to run it. Me. And that's where I, I who you knew, came in."
Carys stared at her. There was something different about this Tosh, and it wasn't just the outfit. When she called herself Captain, Carys believed her. The Tosh she knew brought her tea and talked books and jumped when her mobile went off, dashing back to Cardiff and Torchwood. This Tosh watched her keenly and nodded at her expression, as if she understood something Carys herself did not.
"You're thinking that I'm different, personality-wise," Tosh said. "Honestly, I am a little. It's been…odd integrating myself into an operating system. Naturally, there are a few kinks, but I am confident I can work them out. My left foot insisted on tap dancing for the first week."
"Wait." Realization was dawning on Carys now, and she lost all tact to blurt out, "Are you a robot?"
"Not precisely," Tosh answered. "There is nothing artificial about my intelligence. You see, I created a failsafe, but it would only work if my body died in the Hub. Then my mind entered the Rift. I was - the best approximation would be a beam of light. I just followed the beacon until I found myself.” She leaned forward, lowering her voice, and Carys found herself mimicking the motion. “The things I saw, Carys!”
Awe, excitement and joy chased each other across her face, tightening into smile lines at her eyes and around her mouth before loosening into a gentle tenderness. Carys dug her hands into her thighs, her heart racing.
"There are places out there you wouldn't believe. Trees grow upside down, aliens speak with voices that bring tears to your eyes, the sound is so beautiful - and the technology! Feel my skin." She unbuttoned the cuff of her jacket and rolled up the sleeve, holding out her arm for inspection. Carys hesitated a moment before laying a finger on the smooth skin. She had never touched Tosh before, not even a brush of fingertips during one of her visits (Six visits, six more than the likes of you should ever have expected.) Her skin felt cool, but not abnormally so. It felt like Carys's own arm.
"It doesn't feel fake at all," Carys declared, flushing slightly at her own lack of diplomacy and the proximity of another human being - quasi human being.
"Of course it doesn't! Because I'm brilliant, even me from over there." Tosh brusquely rolled her sleeve back down. "At any rate, I hate to make such a quick visit -"
Carys rose to her feet, nodding her head. Seventh visit down. "It was very…kind of you to drop by, Captain Sato," she said, babbling. "Come by in a few months and I'll have wool to make, um," she floundered a bit, having never knit a thing in her life, "uh, a jumper…"
Tosh hadn't stood up. She watched Carys fumble for words with a bemused expression on her face.
"Carys. I hadn't got to the point yet." She smiled again, and Carys wondered for a moment if the other Tosh in the other Earth had been exceptionally bubbly and infused this Tosh with sunshine. "I came to ask you to come with me. Well, with us."
Carys's jaw dropped. "Do - do you mean…Out There? To other realities?"
"Oh, no, I think we shall try to stick to the galaxies in our own time! Less messy," Tosh added. "But I do mean space. I have a ship out there with the sheep, and a First Mate. We even have a Noble Quest. I could show you things -"
"You don't have to convince me; I'll go," Carys interrupted her. "Um. Let me get dressed." She was still wearing her nightgown beneath the cardigan, even though it was nearing teatime. She did that a lot. Tosh stood and looked politely at a wall while Carys pulled on some clothes and ran a brush through her hair. She tried not to think about it. What was there to think about? Stay in Wales as a hermit, or see the universe? She'd spent nearly two years inside her own head and one thing she'd found was that it was time for a holiday.
"I'm ready," she said, and Tosh turned to face her.
"Brilliant! Shall we?" she offered Carys her arm and tactfully did not comment on the fact that Carys brought no mementos with her. "I have clothes and a toothbrush and such onboard for you, no need to worry about a thing."
Carys gave a little start. She hadn't worried about that stuff at all. Desperate Carys, escaping the Welsh countryside with nothing but the clothes on her back, beats off attackers by the smell of her morning breath.
"Um, so…who's your First Mate? And…the Noble Quest?"
Tosh plucked one of her gadgets from her belt and pressed the button. If Carys hadn't been holding onto her arm already, she would have fallen, as the air to the right of her cottage door wavered and became -
"Bloody hell, it really is a space ship!"
It was about the size of the Millennium Falcon, Carys guessed, but the shape of a svelte rubber ducky, and it gleamed copper despite the overcast skies. As she watched, open-mouthed, a kind of drawbridge opened up in the duck's chest and a black woman in a sensible pantsuit walked down the ramp.
"Carys, this is my First Mate, Kathy Swanson, formerly of the Cardiff Police. Kathy, this is Carys. Carys needs a holiday."
Kathy raised an eyebrow and stuck out her hand. "I hope that's a euphemism. This won't be a bloody holiday."
"Em…" Carys mumbled, shaking her hand.
"Right, well, that's sorted." Kathy released her and led the way back up the ramp. "I'll have her up in two minutes, Captain!" she called back over her shoulder.
"Kathy's a little eager to start rescuing people," Tosh said with a smile. "Come. I'll explain along the way."
Carys took a deep breath and followed her up the ramp. She did not look back.
***
Day 1
Space is…big. I wish I had a way with words, but I don’t, not really. Tosh gave me this journal, but if she's looking for a Captain’s Log or somesuch journal to save for posterity, it wouldn’t be this one. I dunno why I’m here. I know what Tosh said, but she’s so grand as the Captain and Kathy is so tough and determined. She wants to find people who've been kidnapped by the "Rift" which I don't even understand. Tosh tried to explain it to me, but who'm I kidding? All that stuff is Greek to me. It's just - this all sounded amazing when Tosh was explaining it to me in the cottage. Kathy's Noble Quest, though - it's, I want to help the people, I do. I just don't understand where I fit. I’m just me. I dunno what I bring to this band of brothers sisters. All I know is space is big. We saw a shooting star and it was easily the coolest thing I had ever experienced. One shooting star in space. I like it here, I do, despite being more than a bit useless.
Day 4
We saved someone today! Followed “Rift Coordinates” to this planet with PURPLE GRASS. I know I should have been focusing on the weird creatures - kangaroos with elephant ears, giant mice with pig snouts, these crazy, jewel-colored ostrich-like birds who could actually fly - but it was the purple grass that seemed genuinely, well, ALIEN. It was like a fucking Dr. Seuss book! And to think I saw it on Mulberry Street…or Planet Xzzy, I should say. Anyhow, we found a woman the Rift had stolen from Cardiff - Judy Jones, 27 in 1972. 27 now, still. I didn’t step off the ship when we brought her back to Cardiff. I’m glad we saved her, but what’s she going to do now? I’ve been at the mercy of Torchwood’s reintegration policies myself. Kathy can keep her Grand Mission. I prefer the purple grass.
Day 8
I had the dream again last night. I was on fire and running from place to place. Everything I touched burned. I was so thirsty, parched, and these men came towards me with buckets of water. I had to yell at them to run, get away from me, couldn't they see what I was? But they didn't run and they burned and their water burned and everything fucking was on fire.
When I woke up, Tosh was in my bunk, and she gave me a glass of water. I was so glad she didn't say anything.
Day 12
Tosh can hear the ship’s song, too. It’s been driving me batty, always at the edge of my mind. I’ve started humming it, for fuck’s sake. Tosh kept looking over at me, like she used to do before she was the Captain, then she finally asked what I was humming. I said it was the accursed song that this ship spits out (well, I said it nicer), and her face got all soft, and she began to sing it. That shut me up. Tosh has the most beautiful voice in the world. galaxy.
Day 19
We flew beside a school pod of flying whales today. I know that’s not what they really are, but they looked it, with huge bulky bodies and long flippers. They were surprisingly graceful, diving and gamboling all around us. Even Kathy thought them a bit of a lark, and sat still for an hour to watch them, practically unheard of. Tosh said they called to each other like Earth whales, but of course we couldn’t hear them in space. I wish we could’ve.
Day 27
Kathy almost got us all killed today. She’s just so focused on her Grand Mission that she sometimes forgets little things, like personal safety or mealtime or the teensy fact that the rest of us want to survive, thank you very much! Tosh spoke to her afterwards in her Captain’s voice. It’s almost impossible to have a little privacy on this ship. I don’t think Kathy will be quite as reckless in the future.
Day 34
There’s a planet made of pink mist out here. I wish I had the proper words to describe it, something elegant and beautiful. The planet was like Tosh. There, that does it. It had no name, so I shall name it Tosh’s Planet. Tosh had to hold my hand so I wouldn’t get lost in the mist. We were looking for a man from our Earth who’d disappeared in 1988, but when we found him, he told Kathy he didn’t want to go back. Why return to Cardiff, where he had no job and would know no one, when he could stay here? There are hot springs on Tosh’s Planet, hundreds of them, and they smell like sunshine and freshly baked bread and Tosh’s perfume, I swear that’s what that was. Everything is covered in the pink mist, except on the highest points. He took us there and leapt off. I thought for sure he was going to die, but he floated through the mist. I didn’t want to jump, but Tosh held out her hand and said we could do it together. So then I said I would. It felt like falling into a lake of pillows, and Tosh laughed and gripped my hand. It was the most beautiful thing. I didn’t want to leave, either.
Day 39
Bollocks. I don’t know why the fuck we bother sometimes. Lost a child. Kathy is furious and Tosh is upset. I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m doing here, I’m useless and pointless.
Day 42
Tosh gave up her eye for me. It was the most horrible thing. I don't know if I'll ever stop shaking. I just wanted to be useful for once, I wanted to be helpful for Kathy's damn mission. But I got stolen instead. And Tosh had to trade her eye, her perfect cyber eye, for me. I know she's not got a real body, but seeing it…it was so weird, and I know it caused her pain. Her mind feels everything, no matter that her body's not really human. She still fucking bled when she…and she has to wear that stupid bloody eyepatch. It mocks me. It's fucking proof that she should have left me on the Welsh coast, she shouldn't have even let me out of Cardiff. I ruin everything. I can't believe I ruined Tosh.
***
Carys closed her journal and stood, stretching cramped muscles. Tosh's room, though the largest on board, was still relatively small: just a bed, a wardrobe that didn't open properly, and a desk and chair bolted to the wooden floor. A brightly woven throw rug added a splash of color. Carys glanced at the bed, her eyes skittering over Tosh's body just to reassure herself that the woman was asleep, and then tiptoed quietly to the door.
"Carys." The whisper stopped her dead in her tracks, but Carys could not turn around. Not to look her in the face.
"Carys," Tosh whispered again, voice a little stronger. "Please. Please look at me."
Carys squeezed her eyes shut and turned around. Tosh's soft sigh sounded very loud in the room, despite the ever-present susurration of the engines, the low hum of the autopilot, and Kathy moving around in the Maintenance Bay.
"Carys," Tosh said for the third time, and then Carys felt lips on her own. Her eyes flew open of their own accord and she backpedaled until she bumped into the far wall.
"You shouldn't kiss me," Carys gasped out. "I'd be bad for you."
"Really?" Tosh's one good eye widened, and she frowned. "I don't agree."
All Carys could do was shake her head, sliding bonelessly down to the floor.
"I'm of the opinion that you're very good for me, actually," Tosh continued, walking forward with less hesitation than she'd shown since Carys and Kathy had helped her up the ramp and into her room. "You make me stronger. You didn't really know me well before, Carys. I could always take the lead if I had to," she said, kneeling down next to Carys, graceful on her knees, "but I didn't want to until I met you again. You trusted me, and you gave me confidence. I wanted you to feel safe."
Carys finally looked up at her. She raised a trembling hand to Tosh's face, felt the soft skin, the silky hair, the coarse edge of the cord holding up the eyepatch. It was impossible, impossible for Tosh to look at her like that. Not Carys, the killer freak sex addict. But she was, her eye lit with affection and desire, a little smile quirking her lips.
"Now I really want to know, Carys," Tosh said, turning her face into Carys's hand and kissing her palm. "What is it you want?"
"You," Carys whispered. "I just want you."
Tosh smiled wide, as if she'd been hoping for that response. She shifted on her knees and pushed herself up to her full height. "That's something I can give you. Come on," she said, offering her hand to Carys.
Carys gripped it and stood on shaky legs. Tosh watched her silently, that soft smile on her face. Waiting, letting it be her decision. Carys took a deep breath, squeezed Tosh's hand and took the lead to the bed. Tosh laughed quietly, a joyous noise yet too dignified to be classified as a giggle, and followed along, letting Carys gently pull off the nightshirt she'd put on when they got back to the ship and letting it fall in a messy heap on the floor. Tosh's fingers were quick and nimble on Carys's belts and buckles and buttons, clothing tugged and pushed until she stood at the edge of the bed in nothing but her skin.
Tosh had stopped laughing, her one eye darkening with desire and her lips parting. Carys covered her body with her own, forcing Tosh flat on her back. Tosh went willingly, gasping when their nipples brushed each other. Carys swallowed the gasp in her mouth. Tosh felt real beneath her, each reaction what Carys would expect, familiar despite the extreme strangeness of the situation. She kissed Tosh desperately because she was desperate, craving the affection Tosh gave freely and the sensation of being so wholly wanted by another human being, forgetting for a moment that she wasn't. Right now there's nothing that separates her from humanity.
She snaked a hand between them and pushed Tosh's legs open. Absolutely nothing that separates her from me. Tosh gasped again, louder and strong enough to break the kiss, when Carys touched her, rubbing at the wetness between her legs.
"Carys!" Tosh's eye was looking a bit more wild now.
"It's okay," Carys assured her. "I've got you." The words sounded strange on her lips, but she knew them to be the truth. And Tosh nodded at her, her mouth going a bit slack as Carys worked a finger inside her, feeling moist flesh and muscle, a hip bone jutting into her skin as Tosh bucked into the touch.
Carys slid down her body a little, and took a nipple into her mouth at the same time she added another finger, stroking and exploring and -
"Carys!" Tosh shrieked, her body jerking. "There, oh, there." Her babbling morphed into Japanese as Carys added a third finger.
Tosh screamed when she came, her heels drumming the mattress, and Carys pulled slightly back to take in the sight of Tosh's flushed skin and spit-slick nipple, her body losing complete control at Carys's touch. She was beautiful. Carys leaned forward and began to suck and tease the other nipple as Tosh came down from her orgasm.
"Carys," Tosh murmured, and stroked a hand through her sweaty hair. "Thank you."
Carys hummed around the nipple in her mouth. "Don’t need to thank me."
Tosh drew her hand down Carys's face, thumb stroking her neck, fingers cupping a breast, tickling her stomach until Carys tensed. Tosh shot her a questioning look. "Is this…alright?"
"I - let's just sleep now. You must be tired." Carys was not panicking. Or maybe she was a little. But she couldn't risk Tosh. One look at her eye, though, and Carys knew Tosh already knew everything.
"Carys, it's gone. You won't hurt me," Tosh said quietly. Carys looked away.
"I killed so many men." She tried to keep the whimper from her voice, but did not wholly succeed. "Please, let's just go to sleep."
"That wasn't you. It was an alien, using your body. Carys, I am so, so sorry that you can never forget it. But you are not to blame. Truly. Don't you believe me?"
She did. It was easy to believe Tosh. But to have faith in her own body? That was different. It had betrayed her and it was not easy to go back.
"Carys. I can prove it to you. Please. Please trust me."
Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes, but she nodded her head slowly. This was Tosh. Tosh who could pilot a ship and pull out her own eye. She could trust Tosh with anything. Tosh stretched her out in the bed and kissed her gently on the lips, not touching anywhere else or trying to move at all. Just kissing her until her body relaxed and her head began to spin from lack of oxygen. Tosh moved slowly down Carys's body with her lips, as if Carys was this precious thing that should be worshipped, Tosh's tongue licking and lapping at her skin until Tosh was kneeling between her legs and Carys felt a tingly fire beneath her skin. For once, it was not the raging fire that burned her in her dreams. This fire made her feel alive instead of an instrument of destruction. Tosh's tongue licked inside of her, feeding the flame. The orgasm took her completely by surprise. She came in a rush of pleasure, no white light, no fire, no death. Just normal, welcome release. She sobbed with relief.
Tosh's arms were around her in an instant, whole and alive, and Carys cried harder. Tosh finally rocked her to sleep, singing softly into her hair, and when Carys woke up the next morning, she could not remember any of her dreams.
***
Day 43
Kathy has new coordinates. A new person to save. I hope we succeed. Tosh got behind the controls in the cockpit this morning and we took off, no worse the wear for being one eye short. I sat next to her and watched the stars as Kathy obsessed over her charts and maps. It's weird; I think she likes me more for trying to help her, even though I messed up. When the ship began to sing that odd song, I think we all heard the same words this time:
Come to the river, sail to the sea, all of your life is waiting to be.