( for the new year )

the longer it gets, the harder it is to write.

about a week ago, i let an old friend see my blog. it reminded me to revisit the things i'd written, so i did. i spent several hours rereading, "i feel stuck. i feel stuck. i feel stuck." i'd forgotten that, years ago, i'd prepared to research teaching abroad. but then my dad left one january evening ( Read more... )

( the survey of 2011/2012 )

doing better.

here are some take-aways that have helped me rest the past few weeks...

• 
  i need to stop confusing what i want with what i should want.
• 
  it is totally valid that i'm single and in my early 30s. it doesn't diminish me, my heart, my life.
• 
  saying no is an option. letting people down is an option, too, however sorry i am to do it. i didn't ( Read more... )

i went on a retreat this weekend, and strangely, though we did nothing body-related, it helped me get into better touch with my body. i can feel my blood pressure rise and fall, can feel the effects of movement.

it feels pretty stupid sometimes, you know, to have friends with authentic, heartbreaking problems. and then i notice that i'm not ( Read more... )

so, here's some things about how i'm managing.

these days i'm not thinking about the future. i'm merely asking myself, what would you like to do now? and then i do those things. i daydream about twinkly christmas lights, and i play a lot of games on my droid.

i'm not waxing poetic about my job. i'm going there, doing my thing, just being there. ( Read more... )

the monster is back, which means i'm not doing such a good job.

four panic attacks in a week. my heart cannot sustain the rapid beating, cannot contain the aimless fear of anxiety. it's almost silly, except that i think i'm dying.

there is nothing more mortifying than your anxiety disorder manifesting as hypochondria. i should have done something ( Read more... )

labor day 2011: we are flanked by wildfire.

( Read more... )

insomnia again.

breakfast tomorrow with a friend before i collect my father from the airport. i haven't seen him since last april, the day my parents divorced. he'll be in town until sunday. almost two weeks later, one of my closest friends moves to qatar. inservice begins wednesday, so i likely won't see her before she leaves.

and so the summer ( Read more... )

my excursions into online dating are brief but furious, kind of like fireworks. they seem to coincide with a spike in my not-online encounters, so maybe i should just say excursions into dating, period. but i don't say this to launch a whole story about my latest adventures--even though i do have a story about the drunk texter, who told me six ( Read more... )