Silence = Death (Part 1) - Jensen/Jared - NC-17
It's been a very long day for Jensen. When he takes the time to actually sit down and relax all by himself for the first time, it's already past his daughters' bedtime. He grabs a beer from the fridge and takes the pile of mail from the kitchen table on his way to the living room.
Sitting down, he flicks through the letters, scanning quickly to see whether any of it concerns him. One particular letter from United Airlines grabs his attention. Despite knowing that he probably shouldn't look at it, even though it's already open, he reaches inside and pulls out the contents. It turns out to be two tickets from LA to San Antonio and at first Jensen doesn't trust his eyes.
His name isn't on any of the documents and Jensen doesn't know what to think. They're just for a weekend trip, just for Jared and Sophie. Whatever Jared's planning to do, he's planning to do it without Jensen. And without talking about it with Jensen.
A mixture of anger and disappointment rises inside Jensen. Even though he really doesn't want to think about it, he just can't help remember how Jared's been unwilling to come out to his family. The fact that he's actually planning to go see them with Sophie only makes this feeling come back stronger than before.
Jensen knows that he shouldn't get worked up over this. He knows that he shouldn't fall for any fury he might feel and that he should wait until Jared comes back from work and rather let him explain first, but with old abandonment issues coming back to him, it's damn hard. Jensen puts all the mail aside except for the letter with the plane tickets.
And then he waits.
I believe in miracles
Where you from
You sexy thing
I believe in miracles
Since you came along
You sexy thing
Everyone in the hall of the small theater groans as the ringing and buzzing of a cell rudely interrupts them. Jensen runs a hand over his face, his posture briefly tensing before it relaxes again. He thinks that whomever this phone belongs to and whoever forgot to switch off the sound deserves a hard kick in the nuts.
They're in the goddamn middle of a rehearsal.
He's currently working with his theater group on their next big production: Macbeth, with Jensen as the male lead. They haven't been practicing this particular play for a long time so their rehearsals are generally still marked by interruptions because scenes are not quite right yet and they have to start over to try again or to try differently. They're still in that early phase of rehearsing a new play where everyone is enthusiastic whenever a scene proceeds particularly well.
Just like before they were interrupted by some moron's phone.
What an embarrassing and idiotic ringtone is "Miracles" anyway?
Jensen definitely has to give the owner of said mysterious cell crap during the next coffee break. Because seriously… I believe in miracles, since you came along, you sexy thing. Someone's pretty full of themselves, Jensen thinks.
Just as he opens his mouth to call out for whoever to fucking pick up already so that the rest of the group can continue doing their work, Allison, one of the girls at the theater group Jensen is relatively close to, calls in his direction, "Jen, honey. This is coming from your jacket. Answer your phone already!"
Oh fuck.
The blood shoots to Jensen's head so quickly that he practically can hear it rushing in his ears. His head feels dizzy, his cheeks burn and his skin is tight. For a moment he's so paralyzed that he can't move.
When he finally manages to tear himself out of his state of shock, Jensen quickly stalks over to his jacket, the buzzing and ringing becoming louder with each step he takes. He knows for sure that this is not his ringtone because never in his life would he agree to something like that even coming close to his cell.
Basically this leaves him with two options, both connected to Jared: either Jensen grabbed the wrong cell this morning in the haste of nearly being late (which means Jared is at home with his phone now) or Jared played a prank on him.
Jensen feels the eyes of each and every one of the theater group on him. His face is still burning hot and he's sure he's blushing badly. He hears some of the guys snicker but he tries not to pay any attention to them. His only focus lays on making that horrible ringtone stop. Seriously.
Reaching into the pocket of his jacket and pulling out the vibrating cell, Jensen's not sure whether he should be relieved or terrified that this is indeed his phone. And that the display says "Jared - your boyfriend ;-)".
"Excuse me one sec, guys," Jensen mumbles apologetically and quickly leaves the stage - accompanied by more whistling and snickering.
Once he's out of earshot, Jensen finally answers and says, a little harsher than he intended, "Jared, what were you thinking?"
There's a moment of silence and all Jensen hears is his own fast breathing. Eventually Jared says something. But what he says is definitely not what Jensen expected him to say, "Hi there, yes, I miss you too. And thanks for asking, I'm fine."
Immediately, Jensen feels a stinging stab of guilt, his stomach clenching. He sighs as he runs a hand over his face. This is not the way this was supposed to go. Not at all. The irritation is clear in Jared's voice and it makes Jensen wish he could take back what he just said. This is not how he wanted to start the conversation with Jared.
Jared and he have been together for a few weeks. They've been sort of dancing around each other for months, their mutual feelings for one another steadily growing, but they've only been together as boyfriends after Chris couldn't stand the pining anymore and practically forced them to go on a date a little while ago. With the relationship being so fresh, they should still be in a phase were everything is perfect and butterflies and excitement, not fights and tension and accusations.
This is all very new and different for Jared, and while he certainly gives Jensen every indication that his own strong feelings are mutual, Jensen sometimes can't shake the thought that Jared will change his mind and leave.
The other day, when he was clearing the table after dinner, Jensen noticed Jared checking a site for airfares on his computer. He didn't say anything - it was probably nothing - but his chest tightened nevertheless. Then he found that letter from United Airlines and again, he didn't say anything because he didn't want to pick a fight.
Jensen knows he's too jumpy around Jared and that he should relax a little more. But the recent events certainly don't help.
"Listen, Jared," Jensen says, "I'm sorry. I-"
He thinks he should apologize to Jared for his harsh tone because whatever Jared intended with setting up this stupid ringtone on Jensen's phone, he's sure Jared didn't do it to upset him on purpose.
He never gets the chance because Jared snickers into the phone, apparently already forgetting that he was mad only seconds ago. "I take it you didn't like the ringtone I picked out for you?"
A laugh escapes Jensen's throat. He just can't help it. Didn't like is probably the understatement of the century. When he says so, Jared snickers again and it's as easy and nice as it's always with Jared. The butterflies and the excitement are back when Jared whispers seductively, "I knew I should have put When I think about you, I touch myself in there instead. 'Cause I know you do!"
Jensen's mind quickly wanders off to Jared touching himself when he thinks about Jensen, but he doesn't allow himself to dwell on the thought. Not right now.
However, Jared's suggestion of an alternative ringtone makes Jensen cringe. Badly. He laughs nonetheless, mostly in relief. After all, he got away lightly with Miracles, now that he thinks about it. Still, he pleads, "Jared, please. Do me a favor. Stay away from my cell."
Before they got together as a couple, Jensen and Jared became close friends and Jensen thinks he's got all right to say that he knows Jared pretty well. At least well enough to know that Jared is currently pouting, that little pout he does where he sticks out his bottom lip and that Jensen found Audrey copying the other day. The little pout that's so hard to resist.
Jared's going to be the death of him.
"But you're gonna keep this one, for me, right? Please," Jared almost whines and Jensen knows that Jared's facial expression has shifted from pout to puppy dog eyes. "I think I'm special and that's why I deserve a special ringtone. Just for me."
Jensen smiles to himself and doesn't answer right away. Jared definitely is special.
"I'll think about it," he then says because there's no need to argue with Jared. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the time for this since he's got a theater rehearsal to attend. With Jensen in the main role, they can't really go on without him. "Listen, I gotta go. We're in the middle of a rehearsal."
Jared sighs. "Right, I probably should go check on Audrey and Sophie and make some dinner. Are you gonna be home in time?"
Those last few words hit Jensen like a hurricane. He never imagined that such a simple question could render him so speechless for a few minutes.
Are you gonna be home in time?
The question in itself is perfectly innocent, a normal question that people ask their partners all the time. But somehow these few words only remind Jensen again of everything that has changed in his and his daughter's lives recently. Without anyone noticing how it happened, Jared and Sophie slowly turned everything upside down. Over the past few months Sophie has become a sister to Audrey and a second daughter to Jensen while Jared became a second parent to Audrey and a boyfriend to Jensen.
It just happened like this without Jensen or Jared making any efforts to be together, without any attempts for all four of them to be a family. It should be weird that they were a family before Jensen and Jared even became lovers but Jensen is certainly not complaining.
He's now got a partner in Jared, someone he can turn to for advice whenever he doesn't know how to handle a situation as a parent. And while Jensen loves his daughter more than anything in the world, he's glad that there's actually someone waiting for him at home that is not Audrey. Because now there's someone who stimulates his intellect in a different way than a child can. There's another adult with whom he discovers and satisfies needs and wants of his own. But most important, there's someone who makes him feel safe in a way only Jared can.
They're a family now and the simple question of "Are you gonna be home in time?" is making Jensen's stomach cramp in a good way, a way he didn't know he missed ever since his last boyfriend Tom walked out of his life all those years ago.
All of a sudden, Jensen feels incredibly warm inside. And only a little bit overwhelmed - but this is a thought he quickly pushes to the back of his mind.
Even though Jensen knows that Jared is the one for him and even though he loves Jared and their daughters more than anything else in the world, the speed with which things are happening is sometimes a little intimidating.
Despite Jensen and Jared officially still having separate apartments, Jensen and Audrey spend more time at Jared's than at their own place. So when Jared says home, he means my apartment.
And in a way this is equally exciting and smothering.
"Yeah, I think so," Jensen says, the corners of his mouth curving upward.
"Perfect," Jared beams. Jensen would bet his soul that Jared's grinning that typical Jared smile, from ear to ear. "I'll see you then, Jensen."
"Yeah, see you later. Give the girls a kiss from me, okay?"
"Will do," Jared promises happily.
Jensen doesn't hang up immediately as he listens to Jared's breathing for another while. As he waits to see if Jared wants to say anything else, there's a brief, awkward silence. George, the director of Jensen's theater group, puts this weird moment to an end when he comes looking for Jensen and tells him to hurry up so that they can go on. Jensen quickly says goodbye and hangs up with a smile on his face.
He doesn't even care about the whistling and playful calling names of the other guys when he comes back onto the stage. Jensen knows he's screwed the moment Allison whispers "New fling?" into his ear as he passes her by on his way to resume his position.
But Jensen grins cheekily and mouths, "Boyfriend."
"I want to know everything," she says, her eyes sparkling curiously.
Jensen grins and snorts but he knows too well that he'll answer all of her questions later.
"So what's his name?" Allison asks during coffee break. She hands Jensen a cup of black coffee, having worked with him long enough to know his preferences.
"Jared," Jensen says, inhaling the scented steam, the smell of coffee so rich and delicious. He blows it away, his breath ghosting over the liquid in the hope it will cool down to a drinkable temperature quicker.
"A-ha," Allison says with a wink. "How did you meet? Some fancy gay bar? Is he a go-go dancer? Tell me he's a hot go-go dancer, Jen."
Jensen allows his mind to wander for a few moments. He pictures Jared in tight leather hot pants, sweaty, and dancing on some stage to too loud music in a nightclub with every guy in the room lusting after him. There's a funny sensation in Jensen's belly and he knows he has to stop the fantasy before its effects wander further down to more inappropriate places.
Shaking his head, he finally answers. "No, he's not a go-go dancer. He's hot though. Very hot."
"Wouldn't expect it any different from you," Allison says flirtingly.
When Jensen first joined this theater group about two years ago, after there'd been some tension and intrigue among his old crew, Allison had an eye on him. She was extremely straightforward and the very first day they met, she suggested they have hot, dirty sex. Of course, Jensen told her right away that he was gay but ever since then their friendship has been getting stronger and stronger. So whenever Allison's flirting with him now, it's all good-natured.
"Jared's a paramedic," Jensen explains. Before Allison asks once more how they met - he knows she's going to ask it again - he goes on, "We met through our daughters. Jared is a single father too and his daughter Sophie is the one who got into fights with Audrey. Remember when Audrey kept hitting that girl at school?"
Allison is thoughtful and quiet for a moment and then all of a sudden she bursts out, "Wait, he's the guy you always bitched about for losing at being a parent?"
Jensen snorts and grins at her. Apparently she remembers his initial ranting about Jared from before he got to know him all too well. No wonder though, after all Jensen complained plenty.
"Yeah, looks like I did him wrong. Jared is a great parent to both Sophie and Audrey. You should see Audrey. She loves him nearly as much as she loves Chris."
As soon as Jensen finishes the sentence Allison laughs out loud. Audrey's huge crush for Chris is not a secret because every time she can, Audrey tells people about it.
"So this Jared guy… he's a great father, he's good-looking, what about his star qualities for the adult stuff?" Allison asks with a wink.
Jensen gave up blushing around her a long time ago. Instead he slowly takes a sip from his coffee, knowing too well that he's teasing her. He smiles and only when she pokes him lightly in the ribs does he answer her question.
"He's fantastic," Jensen smiles, because really, Jared is. "We've only been together for about a month and he wanted to take things slow. He lost his wife Lisa a few years ago and hasn't been with anyone since. Plus, this is his first gay relationship, so we only started having sex recently. But it's good. I mean, it's not over-the-moon fantastic yet because Jared's still unsure about a lot of things, but it means something and that makes it good. You know?"
Jensen smiles, breaking out into a grin when he sees Allison's facial expression. All those years Jensen had a reputation for sleeping around and seeking a lot of casual sex. His sudden commitment must be a big surprise for the people who actually know him.
"This is a new one for you, Jen," she says. "But it's great, really. You look happy when you talk about him, so I'm thrilled for you guys."
She smiles again and Jensen nods in agreement. He's not lamenting their sex life because seriously, it's good. Jared is eager to learn and willing to try things so Jensen would never complain about it. Jared hasn't been in a relationship for a long time and never with a man before, so it's only natural that he'd be nervous about sleeping with a guy.
"This is a big step after Tom," Allison states, pulling Jensen out of his train of thoughts.
He thinks for a moment. Allison has become one of his closer friends so she knows about most of the shit that went down when he and Tom broke up.
"Definitely," Jensen agrees. He takes another sip from his coffee and then he says, "I gotta admit that I was really scared in the beginning. When Jared and I first got together, I lost it because I feared he was going to leave Audrey and me. And you know, Audrey really loves him and it would have been so much worse this time because she's old enough to understand when a parent isn't coming back. When Tom walked out on us, she was too small to even remember him."
Jensen pauses and bites his lip for a moment, "I was just scared of being left behind again and my daughter being disappointed. Jared keeps saying he never would but of course, I thought Tom would never do anything like that either. So after we got together, I freaked out on Jared."
"Besides, ever since Tom left, I haven't been living this whole relationship thing. Don't get me wrong, Jared and Sophie are great, I really love them. And I wouldn't want to miss our family and the comfort it gives me, but sometimes it's just overwhelming," Jensen admits after a short pause.
"But you're happy, right." The way Allison says it, it's somewhat between a question and a statement.
"Yes, I'm happy. Happier than I've been in years. Even though being in a relationship again is sometimes scary, Jared and Sophie are the best things that happened to Audrey and me in a long time," Jensen smiles.
It's true. Sometimes he is overwhelmed by the newness of the situation but in the end, he wouldn't want it any other way.
"I guess I'm only realizing now how much I missed being in a relationship. I was always so busy taking care of Audrey and making sure she had everything she needed that I forgot that besides sex, I have other needs, too. Maybe I just never allowed myself to think about it, to desire a partner. And Jared's a really great guy, so yeah, I love being with him. I love him."
Allison finishes her coffee and sets the mug down on the table next to the coffee machine. "So this is Jared's first gay relationship? Is he out and proud yet?"
Jensen groans and runs a hand over his face. He doesn't answer straight away, the topic having been a thorn in his side for a while now. Allison gives him a confused look when Jensen explains, "No. It's a bit of a sore spot for us. See, I'm out and Jared is not. I can relate why he's afraid, you know, been there, done that. But he's only partly reluctant."
"What do you mean?" Allison asks.
"See, he doesn't mind his neighbors or friends knowing. Some of his colleagues know, and even the girls' teachers. As long as we're here in LA it's no problem for Jared at all. He'll kiss me in public or hold my hand. Hell, he was the one who suggested we move in together. But as soon as it comes to his family, he doesn't want them to know," Jensen sighs.
This is an argument he's had many, many times with Jared, never quite understanding Jared's reasoning.
"Huh?" Allison huffs, her facial expression giving away her confusion.
"I know. I just don't get it. He doesn't mind his friends knowing that he's gay or bi, but he doesn't want his family to know. At the same time, I have no clue how he'll explain to them why he's suddenly living with another man and his daughter," Jensen feels the frustration rising again.
Allison shakes her head and then she suggests, "Maybe he's scared. Are his parents religious people? Or is he from around here?"
Jensen shakes his head. Of course he knows what a lot of people think about homosexuality in Texas. He's from Texas himself and unlike Jared, Jensen has a religious family on top. He's been through all this himself and he knows it's hard. But in contrast to Jared, he didn't want to admit his sexuality to anybody at first. When he came out, he certainly didn't make a difference between family and friends and acquaintances.
"He's from San Antonio and no, his parents aren't overly religious. It just doesn't make any sense to me," Jensen admits.
They don't get the chance to discuss this any further, since George calls everyone back on stage to rehearse one final time before they'll call it a day. Jensen gulps down his remaining coffee and makes a face when he realizes it's already cold.
"I'm home," Jensen calls as he enters Jared's apartment. He's proud that he actually made it home in time despite the heavy LA evening traffic.
He's greeted by two drooling dogs first - he still has to get used to living with pets - then two happily squealing children and finally a grinning Jared.
"Daddy, Daddy," Audrey squeaks, throwing herself at Jensen's leg. Before Jensen's even got the chance to react, Sophie's clinging to the other leg, shouting his name happily.
Jensen ruffles the girls' hair and when he looks up again, he sees Jared leaning against the wall, watching from some distance. Jared smiles and there's that funny feeling in Jensen's belly again, the one that never seems to go away when he's around Jared.
Audrey and Sophie chatter happily about their day at school and Jensen listens and asks questions. Once the girls run off to fetch the drawings they made today to show them to Jensen, Jared must have sensed his chance as he pushes himself away from the wall and stalks to Jensen in quick steps.
"Hi," he says with a secretive smile.
"Hi," Jensen says back.
He licks his lips and only seconds later, Jared presses his mouth firmly to Jensen's. His soft tongue presses against Jensen's lower lip and Jensen doesn't hesitate one second before he opens up to allow Jared to slip it inside. They kiss lightly, both knowing that they can't get into this too much because it's only a matter of time until Sophie and Audrey will return.
"Eeek, Daddy!"
Jensen knew it. With a laugh Jared and he break apart and Jensen dedicates his full attention to the girls again.
"So, show me," he says as he sits down on the sofa with his daughters. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Jared walk back into the kitchen. He's wearing an apron (the embarrassing one that says "Kiss the chef") and the whole apartment smells of food. The rumbling in Jensen's belly reminds him that he hopes it's dinnertime soon.
Audrey and Sophie show Jensen the pictures they drew of their favorite animals. Jensen thinks it's funny that both girls drew dogs that look a lot like Sadie or Harley, which one it's supposed to be is not all that clear in the picture. The thought makes Jensen feel incredibly warm and happy again, apparently the girls' favorite animals are the family pets. Jensen likes the sound of that.
"Those are absolutely great," he says, kissing each girl sloppily on the cheek. "What do you say, we go into town this weekend and get a nice frame for them, hm?"
"Yeah!" the girls squeak together, excitedly.
Just as Jensen's belly rumbles again, Jared calls them for dinner. The girls immediately run off into the kitchen, followed by the barking dogs. Jensen smiles again as he gets up to see if he can help Jared with anything.
After dinner Jensen and Jared do the washing up together, while the girls play in their room for a bit. Jensen hums a song to himself and just as he's putting the pan away, a strong body presses against him from behind. Jensen smiles and pushes back, enjoying how he can lean against Jared, lean on Jared so easily.
"I have good news," Jared whispers in his ear.
"What kind of good news?" Jensen asks, cocking an eyebrow.
"I looked at the paper this morning and I found a few houses that sound perfect for us. I made appointments for the weekend. What d'you say?"
This is the moment Jensen turns around to look at Jared. Jared beams at him, he's practically glowing. Putting his arms around Jared's neck, Jensen pulls him down for a long, deep kiss. Only when they break apart, he says, a little out of breath, "That sounds fantastic, Jay."
Jared kisses him again, his mouth soft and warm. "There's one that seems particularly awesome. It's in Mid-Wilshire near Hancock Park and only a few minutes away from the girls' school. Everything we need is nearby and it has a big backyard for the girls and the dogs."
Jared sounds as if he loves the place without having even seen it first. Jensen could point out that just because it sounds perfect, doesn't mean it is. But then, who's Jensen to ruin Jared's good mood? The idea of moving in together with Jared and Sophie after only one month gave him a bit of a headache at first because he feared it was too soon. But whenever he sees Jared's excitement, sees how happy it makes Jared just talking about this, Jensen's second thoughts vanish.
He kisses Jared again and then they both go back to cleaning up the dinner mess Jared made. Once they're done, they tuck the girls into bed and say goodnight. By the time Audrey and Sophie finally sleep, the dogs are twitchy for their evening walk.
"I'll go take out the dogs, I won't be long," Jared says, already on his way out. "And Jensen, the paper's on the coffee table, in case you wanna look at the house. It's marked."
After the door clicks shut, Jensen walks into the living room to check out the place Jared was talking about. He grabs the paper, as he lets himself fall down onto the sofa. What really catches Jensen's attention though is a letter that was hidden underneath.
A letter he's seen before.
It's the tickets from United Airlines again and at first Jensen doesn't know what to think. The anger and disappointment are back with a vengeance because obviously Jared made arrangements behind his back and didn't even bother talk to Jensen about it.
But that's not even the main point. What's worse than Jared keeping secrets from him, is that this letter only reminds Jensen again that Jared's flying to Texas without Audrey and him and how Jared's unwilling to come out to his family.
When he first found them he wanted to confront Jared but by the time Jared got home, it was way past midnight and Jensen sucked it up, not wanting to make a scene that late in the evening. He's been trying not to jump to any conclusions about the letter and to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of his head but now with the tickets being on display, it's almost as if Jared wanted him to find them.
This time Jensen knows he can't let it go. He keeps telling himself to calm down and to wait for Jared's explanation but with the fear of Jared leaving him that's damn hard.
Jensen practically jumps off the couch as soon as he hears the front door close and Jared enter. The dogs bark and Jared makes shushing noises for them to be quiet and not wake the girls.
The happy smile on Jared's face freezes as soon as he sees Jensen.
"Uh, Jensen?" he asks.
"When were you going to tell me?" Jensen says, getting up and stalking toward Jared.
"Tell you what?" Jared then says tentatively. But as soon as he recognizes the letter, the last trace of a smile drops from his face.
"Jensen," he says only for Jensen to interrupt him.
"What the fuck Jared? What is this about?" Jensen snarls.
While he waited, Jensen took a closer look at the tickets and it doesn't seem like Jared planned on fleeing from him to Texas, but whatever he's going to do there with his daughter, it's nothing he wants to share with Jensen and Audrey. And this only makes Jensen furious again.
Jared runs a hand over his face and he takes a few steps toward Jensen. Before Jensen can react properly, Jared puts his arms around him and pulls him close for a hug. Struggle almost comes natural to Jensen; really, the last thing he wants now is for Jared to cuddle with him. He's so enraged that he feels more like punching Jared than getting touchy-feely with him.
"Jared!" Jensen warns harshly.
But Jared is stubborn, strong and not letting go.
"Hey, would you please listen to me?" Jared says and only when Jensen stops struggling so hard, he adds, "I'm sorry, okay?"
He places a kiss on Jensen's face, kissing his cheek softly, almost bashfully.
Jensen wants to snarl whether sorry is all Jared's going to say. He needs to voice his anger, he needs to tell Jared how upset and furious he is. If he doesn't release this frustration now, then it's going to eat him from the inside.
"I'm sorry, Jensen," Jared says again before Jensen can even ask him whether he's serious. "It's- it's my mother's birthday in two weeks and Sophie and I are flying down to see her."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jensen asks again, his voice shrill and squeaky to his own ears. "Jared, what were you thinking? Didn't you think that maybe I'd wanna know?"
His breathing is harsh and fast-paced. Jensen knows he sounds reproachful, but he just can't help it. He's so angry. When he looks at Jared, his shoulders are slumped down. He seems somewhat small and defeated and just seeing that, Jensen feels as if the life has been sucked right out of him. He doesn't have the desire anymore to scuffle with Jared, so he simply allows Jared to hold him tight.
"I didn't tell you because- because I knew it would only lead to a fight about why I'm not introducing you. And- and I don't like fighting with you, Jensen. I would have told you eventually but because I was scared I put if off for as long as I could. I'm sorry," Jared says. This time, he sounds just as small and defeated as he looks.
Jensen sighs and doesn't say anything. Jared's confession hits home hard because yes, this is exactly how it would have happened. In all fairness, this is exactly how it did just happen. If Jared had told him two weeks ago, Jensen would have done his best to convince Jared to use it as an opportunity to come out to his family.
Even though Jensen and Jared have been together officially for only a month, they both agree that it feels a lot longer already. They've been having feelings for each other for weeks before that. Hell, they've even constructed this fragile family before they were officially together.
This is why Jensen thinks it's time for Jared to stand up for Audrey and him. This also is why Jensen told himself not to freak out about moving in with Jared.
It's just that Jared and Sophie mean so much to Jensen that he couldn't stand losing them. This relationship and this family is the most important thing in Jensen's life and he doesn't want it to be a castle in the air. Maybe he needs Jared's coming out as a verification that this is real and that Jared's not going anywhere anytime soon.
What Jensen does know for sure though is that it's not fair to project his anxieties on Jared.
"I-" Jensen trails off. Jared looks at him expectantly and all of a sudden, Jensen feels the need to apologize. A feeling of guilt spreads in his stomach because he's corned Jared like this, jumped to conclusions without giving him the chance to explain himself and for pressuring Jared.
"I'm sorry, Jared. But you also have to understand me. I don't know why you're hiding Audrey and me from your family. No matter how often you explain it, I just don't understand. You know that this would be the perfect opportunity to come out to your whole family, as hard as it might be, but at least you're doing it once and then it's over. Jared, please."
Jared simply keeps holding him for another minute and then he releases a deep breath. "Jensen, please don't think I'm doing it on purpose to make you or Audrey to feel bad. But you have to understand that I'm just not ready. I'm scared. I'm afraid of disappointing my family and I can't tell them yet. Please be patient and give me a bit more time. I'm begging you."
Jensen sighs, the feeling creeping upon him that no matter what he says or does, it's just not going to convince Jared. Just like whatever Jared's going to say or do, it's not going to convince Jensen either. He doesn't know what to do because he feels as if this discussion is stuck at a dead end with no chance to go back and try a different road for the argumentation.
"I know, but Jared, you can't keep running away from it forever," Jensen says even though he knows he's tried this reasoning before to no avail. "If you don't come out to them, it's going to kill you. It'll be like dying on the inside. The silence will kill you, Jared."
"And I'm not planning to keep hiding forever! I just can't tell them right now. Not yet. A little more time, that's all I'm asking for. Jensen," Jared whispers softly, barely audible.
"It won't get easier. Far from it. Jared, each day and each opportunity that you let pass will make this harder for you," Jensen insists.
This is another argument he's tried before. In vain. Basically, this is the kind of logic he's tried to use on Jared ever since Jensen started mentioning that he thinks Jared should come out. Jensen feels the frustration growing again and when Jared asks, "Why don't you understand?" it only adds further fuel to the fire.
"Jared, I could ask you the same thing," Jensen says, his voice a little unnerved.
They're going round in circles. Jensen knows it. They were at exactly the same point, tried exactly the same logic a week ago. And the week before that. Jensen's irked but he knows that for now, trying old arguments is not going to work.
Neither Jared nor he will give in at this point.
The thing is, even though Jensen has his own opinion about this, even though he knowsfrom experience that waiting too long will only complicate coming out and that it would be better for Jared to tell his parents early, he also can understand Jared's point of view. Of course, he can relate to Jared being scared and not feeling ready yet. Of course, he can relate to Jared's biggest argument: being afraid of disappointing his family. But because he understands doesn't mean he can't - and he shouldn't - keep nudging Jared in the direction of what's best for him. Even if Jared can't see that yet.
"We're not getting anywhere with this," Jared states the obvious.
Jensen sighs and runs a hand over his face. Jared's absolutely right. The last few times they had this discussion, it didn't lead to anything either. So he nods and kisses Jared briefly on the lips, his own kind of peace offering. Really, the last thing Jensen wants is to pick a fight with Jared. Jared's coming out is important to Jensen but not yet so important that he'll risk losing more than he'll gain.
"Please, just think about it, okay?" Jensen pleads, again, knowing all too well that it isn't going to change anything.
They go to bed shortly after, not speaking about their argument again. Jensen doesn't sleep well that night, but judging from Jared's tossing and turning, neither does he. For the sake of their relationship and everything they're starting, Jensen is willing to let it go for now, but this is something he will not let go forever, something he can't let go forever.
As he lies in bed, he decides that he'll give Jared a little more time. For now.
The real hit in the guts comes the next weekend. It's only one more week until Jared and Sophie will fly down to Texas and Jensen is a little grumpy about it. Like he promised the girls earlier the week, they all go into town to shop for frames for the pictures of the dogs that Sophie and Audrey drew.
They're sitting in the food court at the mall, enjoying a somewhat healthy meal. At least as healthy as you can get them in a mall. They've been successful and bought two picture frames already.
Once they're done eating, Jensen plans on dragging his family home so they can get ready to look at houses later in the afternoon. The girls received toys with their kids' meals and they're currently comparing them and giving them names.
Sophie pulls at Jared's sleeve and asks, "Daddy, when we see Grandma Sherri next weekend, can I wear my pink dress for her birthday?"
It's an innocent question and Jensen's sure that Jared's not going to say no to her when all she wants to do is to wear her favorite dress. Jared smiles and opens his mouth to speak, however, it's Audrey who says something first.
Turning to Jared, she says sadly, "Jared, why can't I go to Texas? Because we're a family now, Daddy said so, and if we're a family then Sophie's grandma is also my grandma, right? Why can't I meet her?"
For a split second, Jensen takes strange comfort in Jared's shocked expression because he knew something like that was going to happen sooner or later. He knows his daughter and he knows that she's smart. But Jared's momentary discomfort does nothing against the anger and frustration Jensen's been feeling lately about Jared hiding them from his family. And most importantly, it's not doing enough against the hurt and betrayal displayed on Audrey's face.
Jared is still shocked, so Jensen decides to help out and answer for him, "Because, pumpkin, Jared didn't know that you wanted to come. We forgot to tell him and Jared forgot to ask."
Audrey thinks for a moment, seriously considering Jensen's answer. He should have known that it's not going to be that easy. "So now Jared knows that I want to come. Can I go now?"
She says it with such childish innocence that Jensen feels bad for lying to his child. He just wants to tell her that he doesn't think they'll still be able to find a flight, when Jared says, "Yes, baby, you and Daddy can come."
Apparently he recovered from his shock. And now it's Jensen's turn to be taken aback.
"I don't know whether there are still flights left but we'll look tonight, okay? And if there are no flights, then I will tell Grandma Sherri about you and that you want to meet her. If you can't come this weekend, then we'll go see her some other time soon. I promise," Jared says softly.
He smiles but Jensen sees right through him; it's a forced smile. Jared is tense, his shoulders and posture stiff, and when Jensen places a hand on top of Jared's, giving it a supportive squeeze, Jared relaxes only slightly.
Both Audrey and Sophie break out into huge grins, totally oblivious to Jared's discomfort. Jensen is absolutely glad for this because he really doesn't want to explain why the idea of all of them going to Texas upsets Jared. He also doesn't want to explain what it means: Jared will have to come out to his parents and brother and sister and everyone else he knows back there. And he doesn't want to explain to them about coming out and all the discrimination or rejection that might tag along.
"You're going to love Grandma Sherri!" Sophie exclaims, turning to Audrey and practically shouting right into her face. "She has a jar with jelly beans right next to the fridge!"
All of a sudden, Sophie's facial expression freezes and she quickly covers her mouth with her hands as if she'd just let an important secret slip. Her eyes are wide and slightly panicked and then she whispers so low that Jensen barely can hear her. She says to Audrey, "But- but you can't tell Grandma Sherri that I told you. She said Daddy can't know because he'll eat all the candy by himself."
Jensen nearly bursts out laughing because secretly stealing from the candy jar his mother keeps for her grandchildren is totally something Jared would do when he thought everyone else was sleeping. He strokes over Sophie's head and says with a smile, "I'm sure Jared didn't hear that."
Smiling goofily, Jared says, "Jared didn't hear what?"
The girls giggle and when Jensen looks at Jared, he sees to his relief that this time, Jared's smile is sincere. Jared gives him a little nod that says more than a thousand words. Jared is finally going to tell his parents.
Just like they had planned, Jensen shoos his family home and then to the house Jared and he wanted to look at. Everyone loves it right away. It's the third place they've checked out this week and even though they're still scheduled for visiting another two houses, this one is everybody's favorite right away.
There's plenty of space for Sophie and Audrey to have separate rooms. It's even big enough for a guest room and the kitchen is spacious and inviting. The girls love the huge backyard and start whining for a set of swings even before the realtor is out of earshot.
He smiles at them and insists once more, "Before you decide whether to place a bid for this house or not, please let me reinforce that gay couples with children and pets are just as welcome here as straight families."
When Jensen and Jared drove to the property to meet the realtor, they saw a gay couple in their yard just a few houses down. Jensen never felt the need to explicitly move into a gay neighborhood like BoysTown (also because he fears that Chris will start refusing to come by, even if it's just jokingly). But now it's rather nice to know that there's another gay couple in the area and that apparently sexuality is not an issue around here.
He wants to make a comment on this but Sophie is quicker. Innocently, she asks, looking at the realtor, "What is a straight family? And what's wrong with our family? How come we're not straight?"
Jensen nearly chokes on his suppressed laughter. When he hears Jared snicker, he knows he's not the only one who finds the question a little funny. Jensen just wants to answer Sophie but it turns out that the realtor, a man of circa 50, handles it perfectly.
"Ah, darling, there is nothing wrong with your family at all. A straight family simply means that there is a Mommy and a Daddy and a gay family means that there are two Mommies or two Daddies."
"Oh," Sophie says, a little dumbfounded. She looks up at first Jared and then Jensen as if looking for confirmation that the man is right. Jensen smiles and nods at her and Sophie smiles too.
Jensen allows his mind to wander to all the things and questions Sophie is going to ask in the future. While Audrey grew up with the concept of two men together, either through Jensen or Jensen's gay friends, she also learned about the concept of a man and woman together. Sophie on the other hand is confronted with a totally new situation and Jensen believes that she'll come around to asking the questions that Audrey already asked a long time ago.
But this is part of becoming a family, too.
In the end, Jared and Jensen take the necessary paperwork with them, already having taken photos and discussing what could go where. The realtor says goodbye and states that he really would welcome it if they decided to place a bid. With a smile on everyone's face, Jensen and Jared take their girls by the hand and go back to Jared's apartment.
Index | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 & Additional Notes and Thanks
Sitting down, he flicks through the letters, scanning quickly to see whether any of it concerns him. One particular letter from United Airlines grabs his attention. Despite knowing that he probably shouldn't look at it, even though it's already open, he reaches inside and pulls out the contents. It turns out to be two tickets from LA to San Antonio and at first Jensen doesn't trust his eyes.
His name isn't on any of the documents and Jensen doesn't know what to think. They're just for a weekend trip, just for Jared and Sophie. Whatever Jared's planning to do, he's planning to do it without Jensen. And without talking about it with Jensen.
A mixture of anger and disappointment rises inside Jensen. Even though he really doesn't want to think about it, he just can't help remember how Jared's been unwilling to come out to his family. The fact that he's actually planning to go see them with Sophie only makes this feeling come back stronger than before.
Jensen knows that he shouldn't get worked up over this. He knows that he shouldn't fall for any fury he might feel and that he should wait until Jared comes back from work and rather let him explain first, but with old abandonment issues coming back to him, it's damn hard. Jensen puts all the mail aside except for the letter with the plane tickets.
And then he waits.
I believe in miracles
Where you from
You sexy thing
I believe in miracles
Since you came along
You sexy thing
Everyone in the hall of the small theater groans as the ringing and buzzing of a cell rudely interrupts them. Jensen runs a hand over his face, his posture briefly tensing before it relaxes again. He thinks that whomever this phone belongs to and whoever forgot to switch off the sound deserves a hard kick in the nuts.
They're in the goddamn middle of a rehearsal.
He's currently working with his theater group on their next big production: Macbeth, with Jensen as the male lead. They haven't been practicing this particular play for a long time so their rehearsals are generally still marked by interruptions because scenes are not quite right yet and they have to start over to try again or to try differently. They're still in that early phase of rehearsing a new play where everyone is enthusiastic whenever a scene proceeds particularly well.
Just like before they were interrupted by some moron's phone.
What an embarrassing and idiotic ringtone is "Miracles" anyway?
Jensen definitely has to give the owner of said mysterious cell crap during the next coffee break. Because seriously… I believe in miracles, since you came along, you sexy thing. Someone's pretty full of themselves, Jensen thinks.
Just as he opens his mouth to call out for whoever to fucking pick up already so that the rest of the group can continue doing their work, Allison, one of the girls at the theater group Jensen is relatively close to, calls in his direction, "Jen, honey. This is coming from your jacket. Answer your phone already!"
Oh fuck.
The blood shoots to Jensen's head so quickly that he practically can hear it rushing in his ears. His head feels dizzy, his cheeks burn and his skin is tight. For a moment he's so paralyzed that he can't move.
When he finally manages to tear himself out of his state of shock, Jensen quickly stalks over to his jacket, the buzzing and ringing becoming louder with each step he takes. He knows for sure that this is not his ringtone because never in his life would he agree to something like that even coming close to his cell.
Basically this leaves him with two options, both connected to Jared: either Jensen grabbed the wrong cell this morning in the haste of nearly being late (which means Jared is at home with his phone now) or Jared played a prank on him.
Jensen feels the eyes of each and every one of the theater group on him. His face is still burning hot and he's sure he's blushing badly. He hears some of the guys snicker but he tries not to pay any attention to them. His only focus lays on making that horrible ringtone stop. Seriously.
Reaching into the pocket of his jacket and pulling out the vibrating cell, Jensen's not sure whether he should be relieved or terrified that this is indeed his phone. And that the display says "Jared - your boyfriend ;-)".
"Excuse me one sec, guys," Jensen mumbles apologetically and quickly leaves the stage - accompanied by more whistling and snickering.
Once he's out of earshot, Jensen finally answers and says, a little harsher than he intended, "Jared, what were you thinking?"
There's a moment of silence and all Jensen hears is his own fast breathing. Eventually Jared says something. But what he says is definitely not what Jensen expected him to say, "Hi there, yes, I miss you too. And thanks for asking, I'm fine."
Immediately, Jensen feels a stinging stab of guilt, his stomach clenching. He sighs as he runs a hand over his face. This is not the way this was supposed to go. Not at all. The irritation is clear in Jared's voice and it makes Jensen wish he could take back what he just said. This is not how he wanted to start the conversation with Jared.
Jared and he have been together for a few weeks. They've been sort of dancing around each other for months, their mutual feelings for one another steadily growing, but they've only been together as boyfriends after Chris couldn't stand the pining anymore and practically forced them to go on a date a little while ago. With the relationship being so fresh, they should still be in a phase were everything is perfect and butterflies and excitement, not fights and tension and accusations.
This is all very new and different for Jared, and while he certainly gives Jensen every indication that his own strong feelings are mutual, Jensen sometimes can't shake the thought that Jared will change his mind and leave.
The other day, when he was clearing the table after dinner, Jensen noticed Jared checking a site for airfares on his computer. He didn't say anything - it was probably nothing - but his chest tightened nevertheless. Then he found that letter from United Airlines and again, he didn't say anything because he didn't want to pick a fight.
Jensen knows he's too jumpy around Jared and that he should relax a little more. But the recent events certainly don't help.
"Listen, Jared," Jensen says, "I'm sorry. I-"
He thinks he should apologize to Jared for his harsh tone because whatever Jared intended with setting up this stupid ringtone on Jensen's phone, he's sure Jared didn't do it to upset him on purpose.
He never gets the chance because Jared snickers into the phone, apparently already forgetting that he was mad only seconds ago. "I take it you didn't like the ringtone I picked out for you?"
A laugh escapes Jensen's throat. He just can't help it. Didn't like is probably the understatement of the century. When he says so, Jared snickers again and it's as easy and nice as it's always with Jared. The butterflies and the excitement are back when Jared whispers seductively, "I knew I should have put When I think about you, I touch myself in there instead. 'Cause I know you do!"
Jensen's mind quickly wanders off to Jared touching himself when he thinks about Jensen, but he doesn't allow himself to dwell on the thought. Not right now.
However, Jared's suggestion of an alternative ringtone makes Jensen cringe. Badly. He laughs nonetheless, mostly in relief. After all, he got away lightly with Miracles, now that he thinks about it. Still, he pleads, "Jared, please. Do me a favor. Stay away from my cell."
Before they got together as a couple, Jensen and Jared became close friends and Jensen thinks he's got all right to say that he knows Jared pretty well. At least well enough to know that Jared is currently pouting, that little pout he does where he sticks out his bottom lip and that Jensen found Audrey copying the other day. The little pout that's so hard to resist.
Jared's going to be the death of him.
"But you're gonna keep this one, for me, right? Please," Jared almost whines and Jensen knows that Jared's facial expression has shifted from pout to puppy dog eyes. "I think I'm special and that's why I deserve a special ringtone. Just for me."
Jensen smiles to himself and doesn't answer right away. Jared definitely is special.
"I'll think about it," he then says because there's no need to argue with Jared. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the time for this since he's got a theater rehearsal to attend. With Jensen in the main role, they can't really go on without him. "Listen, I gotta go. We're in the middle of a rehearsal."
Jared sighs. "Right, I probably should go check on Audrey and Sophie and make some dinner. Are you gonna be home in time?"
Those last few words hit Jensen like a hurricane. He never imagined that such a simple question could render him so speechless for a few minutes.
Are you gonna be home in time?
The question in itself is perfectly innocent, a normal question that people ask their partners all the time. But somehow these few words only remind Jensen again of everything that has changed in his and his daughter's lives recently. Without anyone noticing how it happened, Jared and Sophie slowly turned everything upside down. Over the past few months Sophie has become a sister to Audrey and a second daughter to Jensen while Jared became a second parent to Audrey and a boyfriend to Jensen.
It just happened like this without Jensen or Jared making any efforts to be together, without any attempts for all four of them to be a family. It should be weird that they were a family before Jensen and Jared even became lovers but Jensen is certainly not complaining.
He's now got a partner in Jared, someone he can turn to for advice whenever he doesn't know how to handle a situation as a parent. And while Jensen loves his daughter more than anything in the world, he's glad that there's actually someone waiting for him at home that is not Audrey. Because now there's someone who stimulates his intellect in a different way than a child can. There's another adult with whom he discovers and satisfies needs and wants of his own. But most important, there's someone who makes him feel safe in a way only Jared can.
They're a family now and the simple question of "Are you gonna be home in time?" is making Jensen's stomach cramp in a good way, a way he didn't know he missed ever since his last boyfriend Tom walked out of his life all those years ago.
All of a sudden, Jensen feels incredibly warm inside. And only a little bit overwhelmed - but this is a thought he quickly pushes to the back of his mind.
Even though Jensen knows that Jared is the one for him and even though he loves Jared and their daughters more than anything else in the world, the speed with which things are happening is sometimes a little intimidating.
Despite Jensen and Jared officially still having separate apartments, Jensen and Audrey spend more time at Jared's than at their own place. So when Jared says home, he means my apartment.
And in a way this is equally exciting and smothering.
"Yeah, I think so," Jensen says, the corners of his mouth curving upward.
"Perfect," Jared beams. Jensen would bet his soul that Jared's grinning that typical Jared smile, from ear to ear. "I'll see you then, Jensen."
"Yeah, see you later. Give the girls a kiss from me, okay?"
"Will do," Jared promises happily.
Jensen doesn't hang up immediately as he listens to Jared's breathing for another while. As he waits to see if Jared wants to say anything else, there's a brief, awkward silence. George, the director of Jensen's theater group, puts this weird moment to an end when he comes looking for Jensen and tells him to hurry up so that they can go on. Jensen quickly says goodbye and hangs up with a smile on his face.
He doesn't even care about the whistling and playful calling names of the other guys when he comes back onto the stage. Jensen knows he's screwed the moment Allison whispers "New fling?" into his ear as he passes her by on his way to resume his position.
But Jensen grins cheekily and mouths, "Boyfriend."
"I want to know everything," she says, her eyes sparkling curiously.
Jensen grins and snorts but he knows too well that he'll answer all of her questions later.
"So what's his name?" Allison asks during coffee break. She hands Jensen a cup of black coffee, having worked with him long enough to know his preferences.
"Jared," Jensen says, inhaling the scented steam, the smell of coffee so rich and delicious. He blows it away, his breath ghosting over the liquid in the hope it will cool down to a drinkable temperature quicker.
"A-ha," Allison says with a wink. "How did you meet? Some fancy gay bar? Is he a go-go dancer? Tell me he's a hot go-go dancer, Jen."
Jensen allows his mind to wander for a few moments. He pictures Jared in tight leather hot pants, sweaty, and dancing on some stage to too loud music in a nightclub with every guy in the room lusting after him. There's a funny sensation in Jensen's belly and he knows he has to stop the fantasy before its effects wander further down to more inappropriate places.
Shaking his head, he finally answers. "No, he's not a go-go dancer. He's hot though. Very hot."
"Wouldn't expect it any different from you," Allison says flirtingly.
When Jensen first joined this theater group about two years ago, after there'd been some tension and intrigue among his old crew, Allison had an eye on him. She was extremely straightforward and the very first day they met, she suggested they have hot, dirty sex. Of course, Jensen told her right away that he was gay but ever since then their friendship has been getting stronger and stronger. So whenever Allison's flirting with him now, it's all good-natured.
"Jared's a paramedic," Jensen explains. Before Allison asks once more how they met - he knows she's going to ask it again - he goes on, "We met through our daughters. Jared is a single father too and his daughter Sophie is the one who got into fights with Audrey. Remember when Audrey kept hitting that girl at school?"
Allison is thoughtful and quiet for a moment and then all of a sudden she bursts out, "Wait, he's the guy you always bitched about for losing at being a parent?"
Jensen snorts and grins at her. Apparently she remembers his initial ranting about Jared from before he got to know him all too well. No wonder though, after all Jensen complained plenty.
"Yeah, looks like I did him wrong. Jared is a great parent to both Sophie and Audrey. You should see Audrey. She loves him nearly as much as she loves Chris."
As soon as Jensen finishes the sentence Allison laughs out loud. Audrey's huge crush for Chris is not a secret because every time she can, Audrey tells people about it.
"So this Jared guy… he's a great father, he's good-looking, what about his star qualities for the adult stuff?" Allison asks with a wink.
Jensen gave up blushing around her a long time ago. Instead he slowly takes a sip from his coffee, knowing too well that he's teasing her. He smiles and only when she pokes him lightly in the ribs does he answer her question.
"He's fantastic," Jensen smiles, because really, Jared is. "We've only been together for about a month and he wanted to take things slow. He lost his wife Lisa a few years ago and hasn't been with anyone since. Plus, this is his first gay relationship, so we only started having sex recently. But it's good. I mean, it's not over-the-moon fantastic yet because Jared's still unsure about a lot of things, but it means something and that makes it good. You know?"
Jensen smiles, breaking out into a grin when he sees Allison's facial expression. All those years Jensen had a reputation for sleeping around and seeking a lot of casual sex. His sudden commitment must be a big surprise for the people who actually know him.
"This is a new one for you, Jen," she says. "But it's great, really. You look happy when you talk about him, so I'm thrilled for you guys."
She smiles again and Jensen nods in agreement. He's not lamenting their sex life because seriously, it's good. Jared is eager to learn and willing to try things so Jensen would never complain about it. Jared hasn't been in a relationship for a long time and never with a man before, so it's only natural that he'd be nervous about sleeping with a guy.
"This is a big step after Tom," Allison states, pulling Jensen out of his train of thoughts.
He thinks for a moment. Allison has become one of his closer friends so she knows about most of the shit that went down when he and Tom broke up.
"Definitely," Jensen agrees. He takes another sip from his coffee and then he says, "I gotta admit that I was really scared in the beginning. When Jared and I first got together, I lost it because I feared he was going to leave Audrey and me. And you know, Audrey really loves him and it would have been so much worse this time because she's old enough to understand when a parent isn't coming back. When Tom walked out on us, she was too small to even remember him."
Jensen pauses and bites his lip for a moment, "I was just scared of being left behind again and my daughter being disappointed. Jared keeps saying he never would but of course, I thought Tom would never do anything like that either. So after we got together, I freaked out on Jared."
"Besides, ever since Tom left, I haven't been living this whole relationship thing. Don't get me wrong, Jared and Sophie are great, I really love them. And I wouldn't want to miss our family and the comfort it gives me, but sometimes it's just overwhelming," Jensen admits after a short pause.
"But you're happy, right." The way Allison says it, it's somewhat between a question and a statement.
"Yes, I'm happy. Happier than I've been in years. Even though being in a relationship again is sometimes scary, Jared and Sophie are the best things that happened to Audrey and me in a long time," Jensen smiles.
It's true. Sometimes he is overwhelmed by the newness of the situation but in the end, he wouldn't want it any other way.
"I guess I'm only realizing now how much I missed being in a relationship. I was always so busy taking care of Audrey and making sure she had everything she needed that I forgot that besides sex, I have other needs, too. Maybe I just never allowed myself to think about it, to desire a partner. And Jared's a really great guy, so yeah, I love being with him. I love him."
Allison finishes her coffee and sets the mug down on the table next to the coffee machine. "So this is Jared's first gay relationship? Is he out and proud yet?"
Jensen groans and runs a hand over his face. He doesn't answer straight away, the topic having been a thorn in his side for a while now. Allison gives him a confused look when Jensen explains, "No. It's a bit of a sore spot for us. See, I'm out and Jared is not. I can relate why he's afraid, you know, been there, done that. But he's only partly reluctant."
"What do you mean?" Allison asks.
"See, he doesn't mind his neighbors or friends knowing. Some of his colleagues know, and even the girls' teachers. As long as we're here in LA it's no problem for Jared at all. He'll kiss me in public or hold my hand. Hell, he was the one who suggested we move in together. But as soon as it comes to his family, he doesn't want them to know," Jensen sighs.
This is an argument he's had many, many times with Jared, never quite understanding Jared's reasoning.
"Huh?" Allison huffs, her facial expression giving away her confusion.
"I know. I just don't get it. He doesn't mind his friends knowing that he's gay or bi, but he doesn't want his family to know. At the same time, I have no clue how he'll explain to them why he's suddenly living with another man and his daughter," Jensen feels the frustration rising again.
Allison shakes her head and then she suggests, "Maybe he's scared. Are his parents religious people? Or is he from around here?"
Jensen shakes his head. Of course he knows what a lot of people think about homosexuality in Texas. He's from Texas himself and unlike Jared, Jensen has a religious family on top. He's been through all this himself and he knows it's hard. But in contrast to Jared, he didn't want to admit his sexuality to anybody at first. When he came out, he certainly didn't make a difference between family and friends and acquaintances.
"He's from San Antonio and no, his parents aren't overly religious. It just doesn't make any sense to me," Jensen admits.
They don't get the chance to discuss this any further, since George calls everyone back on stage to rehearse one final time before they'll call it a day. Jensen gulps down his remaining coffee and makes a face when he realizes it's already cold.
"I'm home," Jensen calls as he enters Jared's apartment. He's proud that he actually made it home in time despite the heavy LA evening traffic.
He's greeted by two drooling dogs first - he still has to get used to living with pets - then two happily squealing children and finally a grinning Jared.
"Daddy, Daddy," Audrey squeaks, throwing herself at Jensen's leg. Before Jensen's even got the chance to react, Sophie's clinging to the other leg, shouting his name happily.
Jensen ruffles the girls' hair and when he looks up again, he sees Jared leaning against the wall, watching from some distance. Jared smiles and there's that funny feeling in Jensen's belly again, the one that never seems to go away when he's around Jared.
Audrey and Sophie chatter happily about their day at school and Jensen listens and asks questions. Once the girls run off to fetch the drawings they made today to show them to Jensen, Jared must have sensed his chance as he pushes himself away from the wall and stalks to Jensen in quick steps.
"Hi," he says with a secretive smile.
"Hi," Jensen says back.
He licks his lips and only seconds later, Jared presses his mouth firmly to Jensen's. His soft tongue presses against Jensen's lower lip and Jensen doesn't hesitate one second before he opens up to allow Jared to slip it inside. They kiss lightly, both knowing that they can't get into this too much because it's only a matter of time until Sophie and Audrey will return.
"Eeek, Daddy!"
Jensen knew it. With a laugh Jared and he break apart and Jensen dedicates his full attention to the girls again.
"So, show me," he says as he sits down on the sofa with his daughters. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Jared walk back into the kitchen. He's wearing an apron (the embarrassing one that says "Kiss the chef") and the whole apartment smells of food. The rumbling in Jensen's belly reminds him that he hopes it's dinnertime soon.
Audrey and Sophie show Jensen the pictures they drew of their favorite animals. Jensen thinks it's funny that both girls drew dogs that look a lot like Sadie or Harley, which one it's supposed to be is not all that clear in the picture. The thought makes Jensen feel incredibly warm and happy again, apparently the girls' favorite animals are the family pets. Jensen likes the sound of that.
"Those are absolutely great," he says, kissing each girl sloppily on the cheek. "What do you say, we go into town this weekend and get a nice frame for them, hm?"
"Yeah!" the girls squeak together, excitedly.
Just as Jensen's belly rumbles again, Jared calls them for dinner. The girls immediately run off into the kitchen, followed by the barking dogs. Jensen smiles again as he gets up to see if he can help Jared with anything.
After dinner Jensen and Jared do the washing up together, while the girls play in their room for a bit. Jensen hums a song to himself and just as he's putting the pan away, a strong body presses against him from behind. Jensen smiles and pushes back, enjoying how he can lean against Jared, lean on Jared so easily.
"I have good news," Jared whispers in his ear.
"What kind of good news?" Jensen asks, cocking an eyebrow.
"I looked at the paper this morning and I found a few houses that sound perfect for us. I made appointments for the weekend. What d'you say?"
This is the moment Jensen turns around to look at Jared. Jared beams at him, he's practically glowing. Putting his arms around Jared's neck, Jensen pulls him down for a long, deep kiss. Only when they break apart, he says, a little out of breath, "That sounds fantastic, Jay."
Jared kisses him again, his mouth soft and warm. "There's one that seems particularly awesome. It's in Mid-Wilshire near Hancock Park and only a few minutes away from the girls' school. Everything we need is nearby and it has a big backyard for the girls and the dogs."
Jared sounds as if he loves the place without having even seen it first. Jensen could point out that just because it sounds perfect, doesn't mean it is. But then, who's Jensen to ruin Jared's good mood? The idea of moving in together with Jared and Sophie after only one month gave him a bit of a headache at first because he feared it was too soon. But whenever he sees Jared's excitement, sees how happy it makes Jared just talking about this, Jensen's second thoughts vanish.
He kisses Jared again and then they both go back to cleaning up the dinner mess Jared made. Once they're done, they tuck the girls into bed and say goodnight. By the time Audrey and Sophie finally sleep, the dogs are twitchy for their evening walk.
"I'll go take out the dogs, I won't be long," Jared says, already on his way out. "And Jensen, the paper's on the coffee table, in case you wanna look at the house. It's marked."
After the door clicks shut, Jensen walks into the living room to check out the place Jared was talking about. He grabs the paper, as he lets himself fall down onto the sofa. What really catches Jensen's attention though is a letter that was hidden underneath.
A letter he's seen before.
It's the tickets from United Airlines again and at first Jensen doesn't know what to think. The anger and disappointment are back with a vengeance because obviously Jared made arrangements behind his back and didn't even bother talk to Jensen about it.
But that's not even the main point. What's worse than Jared keeping secrets from him, is that this letter only reminds Jensen again that Jared's flying to Texas without Audrey and him and how Jared's unwilling to come out to his family.
When he first found them he wanted to confront Jared but by the time Jared got home, it was way past midnight and Jensen sucked it up, not wanting to make a scene that late in the evening. He's been trying not to jump to any conclusions about the letter and to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of his head but now with the tickets being on display, it's almost as if Jared wanted him to find them.
This time Jensen knows he can't let it go. He keeps telling himself to calm down and to wait for Jared's explanation but with the fear of Jared leaving him that's damn hard.
Jensen practically jumps off the couch as soon as he hears the front door close and Jared enter. The dogs bark and Jared makes shushing noises for them to be quiet and not wake the girls.
The happy smile on Jared's face freezes as soon as he sees Jensen.
"Uh, Jensen?" he asks.
"When were you going to tell me?" Jensen says, getting up and stalking toward Jared.
"Tell you what?" Jared then says tentatively. But as soon as he recognizes the letter, the last trace of a smile drops from his face.
"Jensen," he says only for Jensen to interrupt him.
"What the fuck Jared? What is this about?" Jensen snarls.
While he waited, Jensen took a closer look at the tickets and it doesn't seem like Jared planned on fleeing from him to Texas, but whatever he's going to do there with his daughter, it's nothing he wants to share with Jensen and Audrey. And this only makes Jensen furious again.
Jared runs a hand over his face and he takes a few steps toward Jensen. Before Jensen can react properly, Jared puts his arms around him and pulls him close for a hug. Struggle almost comes natural to Jensen; really, the last thing he wants now is for Jared to cuddle with him. He's so enraged that he feels more like punching Jared than getting touchy-feely with him.
"Jared!" Jensen warns harshly.
But Jared is stubborn, strong and not letting go.
"Hey, would you please listen to me?" Jared says and only when Jensen stops struggling so hard, he adds, "I'm sorry, okay?"
He places a kiss on Jensen's face, kissing his cheek softly, almost bashfully.
Jensen wants to snarl whether sorry is all Jared's going to say. He needs to voice his anger, he needs to tell Jared how upset and furious he is. If he doesn't release this frustration now, then it's going to eat him from the inside.
"I'm sorry, Jensen," Jared says again before Jensen can even ask him whether he's serious. "It's- it's my mother's birthday in two weeks and Sophie and I are flying down to see her."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jensen asks again, his voice shrill and squeaky to his own ears. "Jared, what were you thinking? Didn't you think that maybe I'd wanna know?"
His breathing is harsh and fast-paced. Jensen knows he sounds reproachful, but he just can't help it. He's so angry. When he looks at Jared, his shoulders are slumped down. He seems somewhat small and defeated and just seeing that, Jensen feels as if the life has been sucked right out of him. He doesn't have the desire anymore to scuffle with Jared, so he simply allows Jared to hold him tight.
"I didn't tell you because- because I knew it would only lead to a fight about why I'm not introducing you. And- and I don't like fighting with you, Jensen. I would have told you eventually but because I was scared I put if off for as long as I could. I'm sorry," Jared says. This time, he sounds just as small and defeated as he looks.
Jensen sighs and doesn't say anything. Jared's confession hits home hard because yes, this is exactly how it would have happened. In all fairness, this is exactly how it did just happen. If Jared had told him two weeks ago, Jensen would have done his best to convince Jared to use it as an opportunity to come out to his family.
Even though Jensen and Jared have been together officially for only a month, they both agree that it feels a lot longer already. They've been having feelings for each other for weeks before that. Hell, they've even constructed this fragile family before they were officially together.
This is why Jensen thinks it's time for Jared to stand up for Audrey and him. This also is why Jensen told himself not to freak out about moving in with Jared.
It's just that Jared and Sophie mean so much to Jensen that he couldn't stand losing them. This relationship and this family is the most important thing in Jensen's life and he doesn't want it to be a castle in the air. Maybe he needs Jared's coming out as a verification that this is real and that Jared's not going anywhere anytime soon.
What Jensen does know for sure though is that it's not fair to project his anxieties on Jared.
"I-" Jensen trails off. Jared looks at him expectantly and all of a sudden, Jensen feels the need to apologize. A feeling of guilt spreads in his stomach because he's corned Jared like this, jumped to conclusions without giving him the chance to explain himself and for pressuring Jared.
"I'm sorry, Jared. But you also have to understand me. I don't know why you're hiding Audrey and me from your family. No matter how often you explain it, I just don't understand. You know that this would be the perfect opportunity to come out to your whole family, as hard as it might be, but at least you're doing it once and then it's over. Jared, please."
Jared simply keeps holding him for another minute and then he releases a deep breath. "Jensen, please don't think I'm doing it on purpose to make you or Audrey to feel bad. But you have to understand that I'm just not ready. I'm scared. I'm afraid of disappointing my family and I can't tell them yet. Please be patient and give me a bit more time. I'm begging you."
Jensen sighs, the feeling creeping upon him that no matter what he says or does, it's just not going to convince Jared. Just like whatever Jared's going to say or do, it's not going to convince Jensen either. He doesn't know what to do because he feels as if this discussion is stuck at a dead end with no chance to go back and try a different road for the argumentation.
"I know, but Jared, you can't keep running away from it forever," Jensen says even though he knows he's tried this reasoning before to no avail. "If you don't come out to them, it's going to kill you. It'll be like dying on the inside. The silence will kill you, Jared."
"And I'm not planning to keep hiding forever! I just can't tell them right now. Not yet. A little more time, that's all I'm asking for. Jensen," Jared whispers softly, barely audible.
"It won't get easier. Far from it. Jared, each day and each opportunity that you let pass will make this harder for you," Jensen insists.
This is another argument he's tried before. In vain. Basically, this is the kind of logic he's tried to use on Jared ever since Jensen started mentioning that he thinks Jared should come out. Jensen feels the frustration growing again and when Jared asks, "Why don't you understand?" it only adds further fuel to the fire.
"Jared, I could ask you the same thing," Jensen says, his voice a little unnerved.
They're going round in circles. Jensen knows it. They were at exactly the same point, tried exactly the same logic a week ago. And the week before that. Jensen's irked but he knows that for now, trying old arguments is not going to work.
Neither Jared nor he will give in at this point.
The thing is, even though Jensen has his own opinion about this, even though he knowsfrom experience that waiting too long will only complicate coming out and that it would be better for Jared to tell his parents early, he also can understand Jared's point of view. Of course, he can relate to Jared being scared and not feeling ready yet. Of course, he can relate to Jared's biggest argument: being afraid of disappointing his family. But because he understands doesn't mean he can't - and he shouldn't - keep nudging Jared in the direction of what's best for him. Even if Jared can't see that yet.
"We're not getting anywhere with this," Jared states the obvious.
Jensen sighs and runs a hand over his face. Jared's absolutely right. The last few times they had this discussion, it didn't lead to anything either. So he nods and kisses Jared briefly on the lips, his own kind of peace offering. Really, the last thing Jensen wants is to pick a fight with Jared. Jared's coming out is important to Jensen but not yet so important that he'll risk losing more than he'll gain.
"Please, just think about it, okay?" Jensen pleads, again, knowing all too well that it isn't going to change anything.
They go to bed shortly after, not speaking about their argument again. Jensen doesn't sleep well that night, but judging from Jared's tossing and turning, neither does he. For the sake of their relationship and everything they're starting, Jensen is willing to let it go for now, but this is something he will not let go forever, something he can't let go forever.
As he lies in bed, he decides that he'll give Jared a little more time. For now.
The real hit in the guts comes the next weekend. It's only one more week until Jared and Sophie will fly down to Texas and Jensen is a little grumpy about it. Like he promised the girls earlier the week, they all go into town to shop for frames for the pictures of the dogs that Sophie and Audrey drew.
They're sitting in the food court at the mall, enjoying a somewhat healthy meal. At least as healthy as you can get them in a mall. They've been successful and bought two picture frames already.
Once they're done eating, Jensen plans on dragging his family home so they can get ready to look at houses later in the afternoon. The girls received toys with their kids' meals and they're currently comparing them and giving them names.
Sophie pulls at Jared's sleeve and asks, "Daddy, when we see Grandma Sherri next weekend, can I wear my pink dress for her birthday?"
It's an innocent question and Jensen's sure that Jared's not going to say no to her when all she wants to do is to wear her favorite dress. Jared smiles and opens his mouth to speak, however, it's Audrey who says something first.
Turning to Jared, she says sadly, "Jared, why can't I go to Texas? Because we're a family now, Daddy said so, and if we're a family then Sophie's grandma is also my grandma, right? Why can't I meet her?"
For a split second, Jensen takes strange comfort in Jared's shocked expression because he knew something like that was going to happen sooner or later. He knows his daughter and he knows that she's smart. But Jared's momentary discomfort does nothing against the anger and frustration Jensen's been feeling lately about Jared hiding them from his family. And most importantly, it's not doing enough against the hurt and betrayal displayed on Audrey's face.
Jared is still shocked, so Jensen decides to help out and answer for him, "Because, pumpkin, Jared didn't know that you wanted to come. We forgot to tell him and Jared forgot to ask."
Audrey thinks for a moment, seriously considering Jensen's answer. He should have known that it's not going to be that easy. "So now Jared knows that I want to come. Can I go now?"
She says it with such childish innocence that Jensen feels bad for lying to his child. He just wants to tell her that he doesn't think they'll still be able to find a flight, when Jared says, "Yes, baby, you and Daddy can come."
Apparently he recovered from his shock. And now it's Jensen's turn to be taken aback.
"I don't know whether there are still flights left but we'll look tonight, okay? And if there are no flights, then I will tell Grandma Sherri about you and that you want to meet her. If you can't come this weekend, then we'll go see her some other time soon. I promise," Jared says softly.
He smiles but Jensen sees right through him; it's a forced smile. Jared is tense, his shoulders and posture stiff, and when Jensen places a hand on top of Jared's, giving it a supportive squeeze, Jared relaxes only slightly.
Both Audrey and Sophie break out into huge grins, totally oblivious to Jared's discomfort. Jensen is absolutely glad for this because he really doesn't want to explain why the idea of all of them going to Texas upsets Jared. He also doesn't want to explain what it means: Jared will have to come out to his parents and brother and sister and everyone else he knows back there. And he doesn't want to explain to them about coming out and all the discrimination or rejection that might tag along.
"You're going to love Grandma Sherri!" Sophie exclaims, turning to Audrey and practically shouting right into her face. "She has a jar with jelly beans right next to the fridge!"
All of a sudden, Sophie's facial expression freezes and she quickly covers her mouth with her hands as if she'd just let an important secret slip. Her eyes are wide and slightly panicked and then she whispers so low that Jensen barely can hear her. She says to Audrey, "But- but you can't tell Grandma Sherri that I told you. She said Daddy can't know because he'll eat all the candy by himself."
Jensen nearly bursts out laughing because secretly stealing from the candy jar his mother keeps for her grandchildren is totally something Jared would do when he thought everyone else was sleeping. He strokes over Sophie's head and says with a smile, "I'm sure Jared didn't hear that."
Smiling goofily, Jared says, "Jared didn't hear what?"
The girls giggle and when Jensen looks at Jared, he sees to his relief that this time, Jared's smile is sincere. Jared gives him a little nod that says more than a thousand words. Jared is finally going to tell his parents.
Just like they had planned, Jensen shoos his family home and then to the house Jared and he wanted to look at. Everyone loves it right away. It's the third place they've checked out this week and even though they're still scheduled for visiting another two houses, this one is everybody's favorite right away.
There's plenty of space for Sophie and Audrey to have separate rooms. It's even big enough for a guest room and the kitchen is spacious and inviting. The girls love the huge backyard and start whining for a set of swings even before the realtor is out of earshot.
He smiles at them and insists once more, "Before you decide whether to place a bid for this house or not, please let me reinforce that gay couples with children and pets are just as welcome here as straight families."
When Jensen and Jared drove to the property to meet the realtor, they saw a gay couple in their yard just a few houses down. Jensen never felt the need to explicitly move into a gay neighborhood like BoysTown (also because he fears that Chris will start refusing to come by, even if it's just jokingly). But now it's rather nice to know that there's another gay couple in the area and that apparently sexuality is not an issue around here.
He wants to make a comment on this but Sophie is quicker. Innocently, she asks, looking at the realtor, "What is a straight family? And what's wrong with our family? How come we're not straight?"
Jensen nearly chokes on his suppressed laughter. When he hears Jared snicker, he knows he's not the only one who finds the question a little funny. Jensen just wants to answer Sophie but it turns out that the realtor, a man of circa 50, handles it perfectly.
"Ah, darling, there is nothing wrong with your family at all. A straight family simply means that there is a Mommy and a Daddy and a gay family means that there are two Mommies or two Daddies."
"Oh," Sophie says, a little dumbfounded. She looks up at first Jared and then Jensen as if looking for confirmation that the man is right. Jensen smiles and nods at her and Sophie smiles too.
Jensen allows his mind to wander to all the things and questions Sophie is going to ask in the future. While Audrey grew up with the concept of two men together, either through Jensen or Jensen's gay friends, she also learned about the concept of a man and woman together. Sophie on the other hand is confronted with a totally new situation and Jensen believes that she'll come around to asking the questions that Audrey already asked a long time ago.
But this is part of becoming a family, too.
In the end, Jared and Jensen take the necessary paperwork with them, already having taken photos and discussing what could go where. The realtor says goodbye and states that he really would welcome it if they decided to place a bid. With a smile on everyone's face, Jensen and Jared take their girls by the hand and go back to Jared's apartment.
Index | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 & Additional Notes and Thanks