negotiating expectations is respectful / ending relationships is an important skill of love

[belenen]

In relationships, I consider the only appropriate unnegotiated expectation to be this: that the other person will not actively, deliberately hurt you. Everything else -- yes, EVERYTHING -- needs to be negotiated. We can't just expect that other people will be kind to us -- because we may define kindness by different actions than what another

Comments

[sabrinamari]

Really wise---so much here to think through carefully. Thank you!

[sabrinamari]

"Ending a relationship does not mean that there is no longer love between you: it means that there is no longer more benefit than cost. "

Yes. Exactly.

[mmmmurgle]

I love this entry--it's really strong and clear and well thought out. I think a lot of pain could be avoided if more people realized that expectations needed to be articulated and negotiated, and I'm still doing a lot of work on bringing them from conscious to subconscious.

The one place I feel like I diverge is that I've often ended up re-defining the relationships rather than ending them.

[belenen]

By "ending" I don't mean "cutting them out of your life." Changing from, for instance, partners to FWB is an end of the previous relationship and the beginning of a new one :)

[belenen]

Well when I say end, I don't mean end the connection, I mean end the relationship. For example, ending one's romantic relationship with a person doesn't mean you have also ended your friendship, or your co-parenting, or your sex connection, etc.

I think I'll add something to this post specifying this.

[verviana]

As you often do, you've put something I've always kind of vaguely felt to be a truth into well-thought-out words