negotiating expectations is respectful / ending relationships is an important skill of love

[belenen]

In relationships, I consider the only appropriate unnegotiated expectation to be this: that the other person will not actively, deliberately hurt you. Everything else -- yes, EVERYTHING -- needs to be negotiated. We can't just expect that other people will be kind to us -- because we may define kindness by different actions than what another

Comments

[verviana]

As you often do, you've put something I've always kind of vaguely felt to be a truth into well-thought-out words.

It's a lot to think about, as another commenter said. I think for me personally, the issue is not in being too squeamish to end a relationship when harms outweigh benefits, but identifying that point.

It's hard to quantify the level of good versus bad feelings a relationship is giving you, as well as whether that is expected to continue. Are we having a rough spot that we will get through and be stronger or are we ultimately moving apart and should get on with it already? Is it more harmful to deal with the needs not being met in this relationship, or to deal with the isolation and lack of support/comraderie that will arise from ending it? I've spent a lot of time in relationships I've felt very committed to agonizing over these questions. I guess nothing is black and white or fixed in time and there is some basic emotion-processing part of me that needs to figure that out. As you pointed out, ending a relationship does not have to mean giving up on a person you feel a strong connection with.

I love the way your language almost always focuses more on positive factors than negative factors. I think it's a key factor in good decision making... "Am I getting what I need/how can i move towards what I need?" allows you to focus your energy on seeking out what will nurture and support you. Seeking out the positive is more specific and more likely to have positive results than seeking to avoid the negative. This attitude seems to come very naturally to you, although I don't know if that is actually the case or not.

I'm rambling. Anyway, thanks for the thought-provoking and worthwhile read.