Kathy wants to see my Kards
Dear Captain Jack: I respectfully request to see your business cards, as they must be made of awesome!
Hope you got to shoot something in the face today.
You are sexy-ly yours, Kathy
------------------------
Kathy, you know that Psychic Paper the Doctor uses...?
Well, I don't have any of that.
I have to use regular paper. Like a regular fucking person! :-(
It's okay though, I bear it with grace. Just because some time lords can walk through a checkpoint by bouncing on their toes and waving a piece of paper in some plod's face is no reason I can't do the same...Only with a convincing Captain Jack business card and a shout of: "TORCHWOOD!"
In the 51st century we have an evolved approach to business cards.
Say you see somebody you want to "Business". And this person happens to be across a crowded nightclub on a sexy Saturday night...Should you use your 51st century legs to walk over there and hand them a piece of paper?
HA HA HA! If you did, everyone would know you are fresh off the moisture farm! No, what you would typically do would be to use your brain to access your subdermal social networking portal to send your target a "Business" request.
If it was me who wanted to Business you, you'd get my request and shit yourself: "CAPTAIN JACK? THE CAPTAIN JACK?!"
You'd think: "Accept Request" as quickly as possible. Then I'd see a bright red "BUSINESS ACCEPTED!!!" icon flash for 45 blinding painful seconds behind my eyeballs. We'd use our private message options to hook up for some Business later.
Pretty neat and clean huh?
You won't have anything awesome like that for ages. Even this 'Friend me on Facebook' thing only works so well. For instance, I have to be on a computer or on a phone. What if you are naked and you want to Business someone?
I put Toshiko on the "machine-free" social networking project as one of her special things to work on while she was my indentured slave for 5 wonderful years (miss you TOSH!!!).
She had the first part down: Invisible Bluetooths! But the next part: "subdermal networked computers" was a little bit harder. Her Weevil test subjects kept dying of electrical burns to the face.
Oh, if Ianto is reading this, for "Died" I put "Failed to live of natural causes" on the explanation paperwork.
There were a lot of years before I had a secretary on staff to do things like pick up after me and not ask questions. So you can see that my business cards have evolved quite a bit!
Here's the first version I created...
After a few months it was pointed out to me that I should have filled out all the blank spaces on the order form.
There are about a billion of these all over Cardiff. Sometimes when we find a body I will see this card in a vic's wallet and LOL at the good memories! Still, as awesome as Jack's Business Card was, it wasn't doing much for my social life.
For my next try, I decided to be more specific. Who am I? Where do I live? Where can you find me if you need to have business with me?
This card worked pretty awesomely except that at the time we didn't have front office personnel. So when the hotties came knocking on the door nobody would be around. I later discovered that Owen and Suzie would notice them on the CCTV...And then completely fail to inform me that hotties were on the Plass looking for a hero! Fuck that system. That system was shit!
So when I'd used up all 2500 cards in my order I thought: Time for a design change! What's the best way to direct somebody to Torchwood?
Of course, through the Heddlu. Heddlu loves me!
The best thing about this card is the logo. Mysterious. Sexy. Just like the handsome devil who slipped you his business card while winking at you in that thrilling, disturbing way...
I figured every cop would see the Torchwood logo and contact me to say a hottie was on the prowl for me, but it didn't work out that way. You'd think DCI Swanson would be all over this idea; she was all over me that late Tuesday night in the interrogation room!
"Isn't station house coffee terrible?" I muttered in her ear. "Fuck me harder!" she shrieked in my face.
After an intimate experience like that I hoped she'd dedicate a whole Heddlu switchboard to contacting Torchwood in the case of aliens or really tough crimes the Welsh can't solve...Instead all I get is hassle. Sometimes they'll send me a blank manila envelope FILLED with my business cards. Hey what's that about? How am I supposed to hook up with 100 anonymous people? Fucking jokers!
I got my revenge on them though, I recommended PC Andy for promotion. LOL.
In any case, those were only test run cards. The business cards I carry these days are basically perfect. Check these glossy babies out!
I always have some in my wallet, behind my belt buckle, or tucked into my sock. I've been imprisoned in a Sea Devil containment cell and STILL managed to give these out. You can always count on a Silurian to call you back when you scream: "CALL ME, HUH!"
I've been dragged to executions while throwing out business cards. You must take advantage of every strange situation if you want to meet interesting people.
So Kathy, if I see you on the streets of Cardiff, and I can't stop to chat because I'm shooting something in the face or am otherwise occupied, I'll make sure to slip you a card.
GET IN TOUCH WILL YOU? If you want to help make the process smoother, be sure to attach a picture and say something nice about butlers. You like butlers, don't you?
Yrs helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness
Hope you got to shoot something in the face today.
You are sexy-ly yours, Kathy
------------------------
Kathy, you know that Psychic Paper the Doctor uses...?
Well, I don't have any of that.
I have to use regular paper. Like a regular fucking person! :-(
It's okay though, I bear it with grace. Just because some time lords can walk through a checkpoint by bouncing on their toes and waving a piece of paper in some plod's face is no reason I can't do the same...Only with a convincing Captain Jack business card and a shout of: "TORCHWOOD!"
In the 51st century we have an evolved approach to business cards.
Say you see somebody you want to "Business". And this person happens to be across a crowded nightclub on a sexy Saturday night...Should you use your 51st century legs to walk over there and hand them a piece of paper?
HA HA HA! If you did, everyone would know you are fresh off the moisture farm! No, what you would typically do would be to use your brain to access your subdermal social networking portal to send your target a "Business" request.
If it was me who wanted to Business you, you'd get my request and shit yourself: "CAPTAIN JACK? THE CAPTAIN JACK?!"
You'd think: "Accept Request" as quickly as possible. Then I'd see a bright red "BUSINESS ACCEPTED!!!" icon flash for 45 blinding painful seconds behind my eyeballs. We'd use our private message options to hook up for some Business later.
Pretty neat and clean huh?
You won't have anything awesome like that for ages. Even this 'Friend me on Facebook' thing only works so well. For instance, I have to be on a computer or on a phone. What if you are naked and you want to Business someone?
I put Toshiko on the "machine-free" social networking project as one of her special things to work on while she was my indentured slave for 5 wonderful years (miss you TOSH!!!).
She had the first part down: Invisible Bluetooths! But the next part: "subdermal networked computers" was a little bit harder. Her Weevil test subjects kept dying of electrical burns to the face.
Oh, if Ianto is reading this, for "Died" I put "Failed to live of natural causes" on the explanation paperwork.
There were a lot of years before I had a secretary on staff to do things like pick up after me and not ask questions. So you can see that my business cards have evolved quite a bit!
Here's the first version I created...
After a few months it was pointed out to me that I should have filled out all the blank spaces on the order form.
There are about a billion of these all over Cardiff. Sometimes when we find a body I will see this card in a vic's wallet and LOL at the good memories! Still, as awesome as Jack's Business Card was, it wasn't doing much for my social life.
For my next try, I decided to be more specific. Who am I? Where do I live? Where can you find me if you need to have business with me?
This card worked pretty awesomely except that at the time we didn't have front office personnel. So when the hotties came knocking on the door nobody would be around. I later discovered that Owen and Suzie would notice them on the CCTV...And then completely fail to inform me that hotties were on the Plass looking for a hero! Fuck that system. That system was shit!
So when I'd used up all 2500 cards in my order I thought: Time for a design change! What's the best way to direct somebody to Torchwood?
Of course, through the Heddlu. Heddlu loves me!
The best thing about this card is the logo. Mysterious. Sexy. Just like the handsome devil who slipped you his business card while winking at you in that thrilling, disturbing way...
I figured every cop would see the Torchwood logo and contact me to say a hottie was on the prowl for me, but it didn't work out that way. You'd think DCI Swanson would be all over this idea; she was all over me that late Tuesday night in the interrogation room!
"Isn't station house coffee terrible?" I muttered in her ear. "Fuck me harder!" she shrieked in my face.
After an intimate experience like that I hoped she'd dedicate a whole Heddlu switchboard to contacting Torchwood in the case of aliens or really tough crimes the Welsh can't solve...Instead all I get is hassle. Sometimes they'll send me a blank manila envelope FILLED with my business cards. Hey what's that about? How am I supposed to hook up with 100 anonymous people? Fucking jokers!
I got my revenge on them though, I recommended PC Andy for promotion. LOL.
In any case, those were only test run cards. The business cards I carry these days are basically perfect. Check these glossy babies out!
I always have some in my wallet, behind my belt buckle, or tucked into my sock. I've been imprisoned in a Sea Devil containment cell and STILL managed to give these out. You can always count on a Silurian to call you back when you scream: "CALL ME, HUH!"
I've been dragged to executions while throwing out business cards. You must take advantage of every strange situation if you want to meet interesting people.
So Kathy, if I see you on the streets of Cardiff, and I can't stop to chat because I'm shooting something in the face or am otherwise occupied, I'll make sure to slip you a card.
GET IN TOUCH WILL YOU? If you want to help make the process smoother, be sure to attach a picture and say something nice about butlers. You like butlers, don't you?
Yrs helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness