Annoying Girl Seeking Her Annoyed Girl
Dearest darling lovely Captain Jack,
I've got a problem! I'm a fairly normal female college student. I do normal college things like going to parties and getting so drunk I can't remember who I'm hitting on and reading gay porn on the internet. All of these are normal and expected and I feel no shame about them.
However! I have been in love with my straight female best friend for going on three years. At one point when I was making fun of her for being a poor little straight girl and she went HEY I TOTALLY LIKED A GIRL ONE TIME IN HIGH SCHOOL. I thought it was kind of cute, but false hope isn't cool. Another good friend of ours (male) confessed to her recently and, after rejecting him, she went back to treating him like a best friend. I don't think she'd hold it against me too much if I told her, but I'm a chicken. I'm also very very obvious. I'm always buying her things and trying to be cuddly and other ridiculous stuff.
Jack! Should I confess? She probably already knows, it's mostly about getting it off my chest. Is it worth it? SHOULD I TAKE THE DIVE? Tell me!
-Annoying girl seeking her annoyed girl
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I've been rejected by Time Lords. That's worse than being rejected by straight girls.
Trust me. If someone doesn't want to have sex with you, they also don't want to hear your pitch for why they should have sex with you. I know rejection seems strange. It's unfathomable to me. I'm rarely rejected. It's probably because I'm universally adored!
It took a while for me to get the hint.
I was hanging in chains in the Master's boiler room thinking about this for weeks. Since I was slowly bleeding out, there was nothing to do but reflect.
"I wonder if the Doctor was uncomfortable with my huge crush on him?"
Annoying Girl, if your girl-crush wanted to sex you up she's had three years to give you the signs. She could have put her hands down your trousers, that's a big sign of sexual interest in humans.
She could have lit you a cigarette by scraping a matchstick over her own stubble -- that's always sexy. I go nuts for that! She could have carved a potato in your likeness. She could have built you a rocket ship and named it after your penis.
She could have caught you a pterodactyl.
Did she catch you a pterodactyl? I'm guessing she didn't. I'm guessing she wouldn't notice if she left you behind on a Game Station either.
I understand your need to give out outrageous gifts and snuggles. I love buying people presents. I tried to make Torchwood for the Doctor but did he appear impressed? Barely. Yet, when I made a "snow butler" out of ice crystals in the corpse freezer, Ianto actually cracked a smile for me.
I brought all these issues up with Tish during our Year That Never Happened.
"I've been thinking about my butler," I told her. "I've been thinking about him a lot lately."
Tish was a really nice lady but not the best for relationship advice. I wanted to discuss important things but she was preoccupied plotting rebellion, stuffing my intestines back into place, etc.
Tish: Loved me.
"TISH, for fuck's sake," I would tell her affectionately. "It doesn't matter where they go!"
Another person who would probably understand your pain was our Toshiko. I don't mean because she was occasionally a lesbian. I mean because she also had a unrequited crush on a friend. By "friend" I mean a co-worker ... Yours truly!
I know, no surprise huh?
When I bought Toshiko from UNIT I knew that part of being an amazing boss was not sleeping with your indentured slaves. No matter how hot Tosh looked in a sweater-set, I knew I could not Go There!
I could still tell how Tosh was obsessed with me. She always sat beside Owen in meetings to avoid my animal magnetism at short range. She even turned down weapons training with me and scheduled it with him instead. That was a big give-away. Weapons training from Owen? It was hard to keep a straight face when I stamped that request APPROVED.
It was especially hard for her when Suzie and Owen were "on" vs. "off". She used to dart these jealous looks at the two of them. I felt horrible! Tosh was pining away for my cock while everyone else was getting some action. That could be me and Tosh getting soapy in the showers if I wasn't such an awesome guy.
Tosh: Loved me.
I understood what she was going through since I'd been there with the Doctor. I tried to talk to her about it once.
"Tosh," I hollered in her face. "I think you've got a crush on a hot guy and it's driving you crazy."
Tosh shouldn't have been so startled. I'm known for my perceptiveness.
"Is it that obvious?"
I LOLed in a supportive way. "It's okay, Toshiko. I'm cool with it. What you are feeling, emotionally, is totally normal."
It's important to validate a girl's feelings before you crush her dreams.
I went for a compromise. "We're all so close at Torchwood. Have you thought about asking Owen to sleep with you?"
Toshiko blushed bright red. "I can't just say something like that, Jack!" She looked so adorable that my manly resolve was tested. I guess in the end she never asked him. Probably for the best, right? Owen would have been a scraggly poor substitute for me!
Yrs helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness
PS: If by "gay porn on the Internet" you mean fan fictions, you should ask Gwen about her epic cross-over!