Secret Whispers - Chapter twenty [part I]
Title: Secret Whispers
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story - Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P.
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eight song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun burns down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious one
Fifteenth song ~ Never again
Sixteenth song ~ Blue tuesday
Seventeenth song ~ Murasaki
Eighteenth song ~ The Fifth Season
Nineteenth song ~ I'll be with you
Chapter twenty
Twentieth song ~ Sadistic love
It makes me kneel,
The laughing voice of a little devil,
It makes me twist my face in pain
And then it’s satisfied.
ONE MORE TRY.
<< Don't love, unless you expect pain. Don't cry, unless you expect love. >>
It was the morning of the second day he had been crashing at Jin’s parents’ home and Kazuya felt kind of dreadful to face the one he loved and his parents once more. When he had decided to come here, not letting Jin forget about him, he didn’t realize that all this could turn on him all of a sudden and wore him out. And now all he wanted was to sleep, to stay all day long in bed and not leave this room ever.
But he had to and with a groan, he got out of bed and went to the bathroom to wash. But when he looked in the mirror, he let out another groan. His eyes were red and puffy, sign that he had been crying. God, he was stupid. But last night he couldn’t stop the tears or the pain he had felt, so he had just cried to his heart’s content. And now he was facing the consequences - his eyes were dried of tears, instead they looked red and a bit swollen. Kazuya hoped that until he had to go downstairs, he’ll look normal again. Too bad he didn’t have any ice bag to put on his eyes, this way he could have concealed his puffy eyes.
Half an hour later, Jin knocked on his door announcing him that breakfast was ready. Kazuya rushed to the bathroom to see if his eyes were looking any different than when he had woken up and then he swore silently. It was little change, his eyes still looking red if not puffy. With a dreadful feeling, he exited the room and headed for the kitchen. He wasn’t worried about Jin noticing this, but he was more worried about Misaki and he didn’t want to worry her.
He entered the kitchen and saw Jin’s mother setting the plates at the table where Jin and his father were seated. “Good morning.” Kazuya greeted and forced himself not to look at Jin.
The older though had no problem doing this and looked at Kazuya, his eyes narrowing a little when he saw the state that the boy was in. He sighed silently and glanced at his mother who had stopped suddenly and started to look worried as she let her eyes roam over Kazuya’s figure.
“You almost missed breakfast.” Jin interrupted the silence that had fallen over them and Misaki flinched, realizing that she had let her worry get the best out of her and she had forgotten about everything else. “Sit down.” Jin added, locking his eyes with his mother’s to warn her not to ask anything and then looking again at Kazuya.
Luckily, Misaki seemed to understand quickly her son’s message. “Sit down, Kame-chan, you must be starving.” She chirped, quickly going back to her happy self as she put the plates with food in front of Jin and the empty spot next to him.
“Sorry if we had been too loud last night and kept you awake.” The father added, smiling gently at Kazuya and thinking that this must be the reason for Kazuya’s red eyes.
Kazuya tried not to choke on the water he had just drunk as he looked at Jin’s father, smiling back. “No, not at all. Actually, I slept at some point, but then I couldn’t so I read a bit.” He continued, rubbing one eye, though it only made it look redder. “I’m sorry that I’ve been so tardy in coming to breakfast.” He then bowed to Misaki and her husband, then looked at his plate as if he didn’t know what to do with it.
“Well, I had to drag Jin out of his bed so you should be the last one to feel guilty about this.” Misaki laughed as she sat down and Jin pouted, crossing his arms and pursing his lips.
“I was sleepy!” he defended himself, though all of them knew that this would have happened either way. “Besides, I came home late because of you.” Jin accused, feeling that he shouldn’t be the only one to receive the blame for this.
Kazuya picked up the fork and tried not to think of the reasons why Jin had gotten back home late. He had one good reason and it was named Yui. He took some food into his mouth, chewing onto it, though he couldn’t quite feel its taste. He continued eating silently, almost automatically, not wanting to be rude and refuse the food.
“Don’t blame me because you once again forgot the hours and spent the whole night out with a girl!” His mother scolded Jin, trying to sound upset though it was obvious that she couldn’t erase the grin from her face. “So how was it?” she asked, her voice sounding more insinuating than it should have for a woman in her forties.
“Mom!” Jin shrieked, feeling his cheeks burning up. Oh, God, he should have known he would have to go through this at some point.
“What?” Misaki shrugged innocently, leaning a bit into her husband. “I haven’t heard anything about a girl from you for too long.” she stated, this time her tone really sounding like she was scolding her son. “And Kame-chan says that you had a girlfriend went you came to shoot that movie here and you didn’t even introduce her to us.” She pouted, clearly displeased of this fact.
Kazuya wanted to die in that precise moment. Why didn’t he pretend being sick and stayed in bed until afternoon, not wanting to hear this anymore and how Jin’s parents wanted a woman as Jin’s lover and certainly not a man, certainly not him. He let down the fork and wiped politely his mouth. “Thank you for the meal.” He replied with a soft voice, smiling at Misaki, though in his plate there was left half of the food.
“Kame-chan, wait!” Misaki hurried to stop him, her puppy eyes in place as Kazuya looked at her. “Could you please do me a favor and go shopping?” she pleaded, even her voice sounding like she was a kicked puppy. “I can’t leave the house and these two men have no idea how to buy what’s good and what’s not…” she complained, faking a sigh like this was the end of the world.
Kazuya looked a bit surprised. “Sure…” he agreed, looking a bit unsure at the eager voice of Misaki. “Just give me the list and I’ll go shopping.” He smiled, thinking that this might be what he really needed to get rid of this clenching feeling in his heart.
“Oh, Jin already knows what I need.” She replied with the same smile, battling her eyelashes and looking innocently at Kazuya as if it wasn’t obvious that she was trying to set them up. “You’ll go with him, won’t you, darling?” she then asked, looking at her son and receiving a shrug in response. “Then it’s settled!”
Kazuya suppressed back the need to sigh, instead he tried to smile as the thought of going with Jin shopping stuck into his mind, swirling and swirling around. Really, he thought he’ll be giving Jin a few hours without him and now he was actually going with him?! Talk about fate now. He looked unsure towards Jin for the first time this morning and he chewed on his lips. “I’ll go upstairs to pick something and I’ll come down in a bit.” He said and before waiting for Jin’s answer, he dashed out of the kitchen with another thanks towards Misaki.
Five minutes later, he was out of the house and there were some sunglasses covering his red eyes, even if the November sun wasn’t that strong and it was sometimes covered by clouds. He looked after Jin and he saw him sitting in the car, waiting for him. His heart beat a little faster, recalling a certain shopping night he had done with Jin just two weeks ago. It seemed like ages since that night date they had shared, when Jin still wanted him in his life. Kazuya shrugged this memory aside as he strolled over to the car and opened the passenger’s door, slipping inside. “Let’s go.” He said with an uncertain voice, still not removing his sunglasses.
Jin glanced at him but didn’t say anything, just started the car and drove faster and faster as they were getting more far away from the house. Silence had fallen over them and Jin found himself to not like it, him being one person who couldn’t stand being quiet for more than five seconds. The problem was that he couldn’t find a subject to discuss and it somehow felt sad that not even now, he didn’t know how to create a conversation with Kazuya. “I see that you decided to stay.” He chose to say, not sure if it was wise to bring up this topic but his mouth had already opened and Jin couldn’t take back his words anymore.
Kazuya glanced at Jin, but his sunglasses hid this action of his. “Well…” he said uncertainly, playing with his fingers. “…you said it was okay.” He completed and there was a certain worry in his voice. “It -” Kazuya stopped and gulped. “- isn’t okay anymore?” he asked, sounding like a child that had received permission to do a half-forbidden thing and was now getting reassurance that it was indeed alright.
“I don’t change my mind every time I wake up.” Jin said with a teasing and slightly accusing voice, though both of them knew that Jin really had this bad habit to want something today and to wish for the opposite thing the next day. But in the same time, they both knew that it was true because this had never happened when was Kazuya involved.
The younger boy allowed himself a smile, though it was kind of feeble. “Thanks.” He replied hoarsely and turned to look out the window. “Is it far?” He then asked as he watched house by house passing in front of him. It was a residential area after all.
“Five minutes by car, twenty by foot.” Jin replied, turning left and slowing down a little as other cars started to appear in front of them. “It’s not that far, but I’m still sleepy and I hate walking in the morning.” He pursed his lips as his eyes concentrated on the road ahead.
Kazuya chuckled as he glanced once more at Jin. “You’re still a sleepyhead, aren’t you?” He asked but it sounded more like speaking to himself than to Jin. “But maybe we should walk… fresh air will do you good for the health.” He suggested, thinking that he wouldn’t dislike a walk with Jin first thing in the morning.
“Later.” Jin promised with a smile dancing on his lips, only glancing at Kazuya and then focusing on the road ahead. They spent the rest of the time in silence, though it didn’t take long for them to get to their destination. To Kazuya’s surprise, Jin didn’t park outside of a supermarket or something like that, but in front of an antique shop.
“Umm, Jin?” He called as he lowered his sunglasses a little, just to watch better the shop. “I don’t think this is the grocery shop.” He remarked and pushed back his glasses as he turned to Jin, his lips pursed a bit.
“No, mom ordered some kind of statue that some kind of king had used in I don’t know what century.” Jin sighed, the fact that his mother used to do often things like this being written on his face. “She has a whole room full with junk like this and only some of them are spread over the house. She buys them and then she’s afraid not to break them.” He explained, not being able to stop another sigh from escaping his lips.
Kazuya chuckled. “Lovely.” He said and without anything else, he walked to the antique shop with a jumping foot. Oh, this was going to be interesting! Maybe he could buy a little present for Misaki too and thank her this way for her kindness. Yes, it was a wonderful idea!
Half an hour later, they returned to the car, Kazuya looking really pleased and Jin almost on the verge of groaning in pain or sighing in relief. He had managed to pick something for Misaki - a cute dolphin made out of white and blue crystal and something else - and he really hoped she’d like it, though Jin had assured him that she will love it. Kazuya wanted to buy something for Jin’s father too, but the older one had advised him against, saying that his father was more practical than his mother.
“So will you take me to another store where I can buy something for your father?” Kazuya continued as they sat in the car, looking at Jin through his sunglasses. He still had them on.
“My father would be happy with some nice cigars, but you can’t find them here.” Jin replied, turning on the engine and leaving yet again with Kazuya. “Other than that, I don’t really know what he’d like. I’m not even sure about those cigars, but he always brags about them and talks about the country where he got them from, so it’s a nice gift.” He shrugged, silently telling that he didn’t know any more than this.
Kazuya gave Jin an incredulous look. “How could you not know what your father likes except cigars?” He asked in the sort of bemused voice. “I still know what my father loved the most and he’s been gone for many years of my life. He loved receiving clocks, all types, for him it didn’t matter. He just loved clocks. And my mother too! She was crazy for flowers, you could win her with a nice bouquet of lily-of-the-valley. She loved those flowers the most.” He smiled happily at these memories, looking like a child longing for his parents. “And Yuuya too! I remember him loving all kind of silly books about occultism. I would buy him each time I saw something he’d like. He’d read them all and then come to me and tell me all of his opinions regarding the subjects in those books. He was so cute…” Kazuya stopped, realizing that there were suddenly tears in his eyes, but luckily for him, the sunglasses were still hiding his eyes. So all one could see was the smile that was still on his lips at the memory of his dead family. “So it’s impossible for you not to know what your father likes!” He then proceeded to scold Jin, crossing his arms at his chest.
“Well…” Jin replied in a sort of uncertain way. “He likes books too.” He continued with the same unsure voice, realizing that he had never paid any attention to his parents. It couldn’t he helped though, he had left home before he was twenty and hadn’t really come back that much. After that, he had gone to America and even if he had stayed in touch with them, it wasn’t the same as when he was home and could see them everyday. He could hear them talking about their day, but he couldn’t be there for them too. “He always used to read some difficult books, especially the ones I would run away from.” He chuckled, remembering that no matter how much his father had insisted for Jin to read too, his son had refused all the time because it seemed too boring for him to stay in the same place for hours and practically do nothing.
“Noted. Smarter than you.” Kazuya teased and was already thinking of what kind of book might the man be interested in. Who knows, maybe he proved to have some interests like Yuuya too. “I’ll look in a library and I’ll see what might interest him. Wild guess, though.” He said and looked quite excited about this. “It’s settled then!” He clapped his hands, jumping a little on his seat.
“Try something along the lines of English writers.” Jin advised him, turning right and parking the car for the second time that day. This time it was a jewelry shop for now and in the end, they needed to visit a lot more shops like this, not even one of them having anything to do with their supposed grocery list.
“And now we can go back home.” Jin stretched a little as they went back to their car after choosing a book for his father too. They had been on the road for almost two hours.
But Kazuya didn’t want to go back home, at least not yet. So he stopped and looked around, spotting a small park a few yards further than the parking lot. “Jin, let’s go there!” He suddenly said and without waiting for Jin’s reply, he darted towards the park, smiling like an idiot. Ah, it’s been a long time since he felt so relaxed and free. After all, a few hours of shopping made miracles for him and on top, Jin hadn’t been moody around him, so… he quite enjoyed the time they spent together.
Jin rolled his eyes, sincerely not knowing if he should be annoyed at Kazuya for making him stay longer than he wanted to or to simply enjoy this time spent with the younger, trying not to think at what bad things had happened between them. In the end, his lips curled up by themselves and his feet starting moving towards Kazuya, Jin realizing that he still couldn’t resist the boy’s beautiful smile. “It’s pretty quiet too.” He noticed, glancing around him to spot any unwelcome visitors - he was still a star, after all, people could notice him - and then going to a swing and sitting on it.
Kazuya was already swinging on the other next to Jin and he looked with a broad smile at him. “It’s better this way.” He said with a laugh as the swing went higher. “It’s like we are the only ones that matter right now.” He added as he put a full stop, now his eyes sparkling happily as he looked at Jin. Truth was that the fact he had really been given the occasion to have this kind of fun and that he was able to share it with Jin made him feel happier than ever. It was like he could forget all about their bad terms and actually feel that they were closer than ever. But reality wasn’t as nice as he wanted - he and Jin were the farthest away from each other.
“Yeah, but it makes me feel lonely.” Jin replied, his eyes fixed somewhere far away from them, looking at a certain point that even he couldn’t see. He was used to being surrounded by a lot of people - his family, his friends, his fans - and the fact that he was alone there with Kazuya somehow gave him chills, making him feel weird in a good way but in the same time, in a bad way. He didn’t know how to explain the feeling, but he was certain that he would have felt different if things between him and Kazuya weren’t so broken beyond repair.
He smiled a small smile and started to move his legs, moving the swing just a little bit but not putting any real strength in it. It was like he was doing it on command, because his body needed to move to stop his mind from thinking too much. To stop him from remembering that the last time he had been into such a park with Kazuya, they had been together and had been happy.
“I wouldn’t be able to live alone.” Jin confessed, swinging a little faster and intentionally not mentioning that Kazuya was there with him. After all, who knew when he’d leave again? Jin couldn’t count on him. Not now and not never.
Kazuya looked up at the sky, not standing to see how Jin was ignoring his existence. “If there’s one person that won’t be alone ever… that’s you, Jin.” He said, his eyes searching the clear blue. “I’m sure that even if the most important ones to you were to leave… you’d still have someone by your side.” Kazuya smiled, thinking that maybe Jin was right - them being here was indeed lonely. “You’re not alone.”
“Maybe.” Jin chuckled softly, allowing his smile to widen a little as he glanced at Kazuya to find him studying the sky. He followed his gaze and fastened the movement of the swing as he looked up too, remembering how many times he had watched the sky when he felt alone and wondered what were his friends doing. What was Kazuya doing. “But I can’t help but feel lonely sometimes.” He confessed, not knowing what had gotten into him to say such a thing, especially when Kazuya was the only one who could make him feel like this - and say something like this too.
The younger turned to look at Jin, partly understanding what he meant. He got off his swing and walked in front of Jin, stopping him from swinging anymore. He had his head lowered for a few seconds, but then he raised it a little so that he and Jin could look at each other.
“I know that my words aren’t worth trusting anymore…” He started and gulped a little. “But I’ll give them to you.” Kazuya continued and looked at Jin longingly. So close, so far away. “Even if in the end you won’t be able to forgive me, to accept me back… I want you to know that I will be by your side, as your friend. I won’t let you be alone.” He said and smiled a little, feeling his eyes a bit watery. What will his life be as Jin’s friend? Will he bear it? Yes, because right now he’d do anything for Jin. “So that’s why… if you ever feel alone, just say my name. Wherever you’ll be, I’ll come to you.” He let go of the swing and took a step backwards.
“Kazuya…” Jin called him back, feeling shivers running down his spine as he realized that he had used the younger’s first name for the first time in a long time. He saw him stopping and Jin bit his lips, not knowing what to say or how to start. But he did know the basic idea so in the end, the words just started to roll off his lips. “When we go back to Tokyo, I don’t want to see you anymore.” He said, desperately trying to keep his voice calm though it seemed kind of impossible at that moment. “I still have a few interviews, so I can’t leave right now, but please.” He continued, emphasizing the last word. “Until I leave Japan, don’t appear in front of me ever again, no matter what the reason.”
If Kazuya was hurt by Jin’s words, he didn’t show it. He just smiled sadly, thinking that this was the only thing he could never do when it came to Jin. “I’m sorry.” He replied as he lowered his head again, hiding his eyes from Jin’s. “Nothing can keep me away from you, not even you.” He continued and his voice shook a little. “I want you back no matter what and I’ll do anything to win you back until I will have nothing left, until you’ll hate me.” He said and lifted his head, looking straight at Jin. “Though I can’t promise that I’ll do that even then.” He smiled and got closer to the other one. “I -” Kazuya lifted two fingers to his lips, kissing them, “- love -” the word floated in the air as he detached his fingers away from his mouth, “- you.” And he pressed them against Jin’s lips. They were in public, Kazuya could only kiss him like this.
“You’re selfish.” Jin accused him, refusing to listen to his heart which was beating like crazy in that moment. Why was Kazuya making him like this? Why couldn’t he just give up and let him live his life as far away from him as possible? Why couldn’t he understand that it hurt Jin to hear him say words of love when he couldn’t believe in them anymore?
It was actually funny, because if Kazuya’s story was true… if he had really believed that Jin had slept with him just for fun… then he was surely getting revenge now, making Jin feel exactly how he had felt when he had heard Jin saying how much he loved him.
“It doesn’t matter though.” Jin continued, only now lifting his hand and removing Kazuya’s fingers from his lips. “You won’t be able to follow me to America and this game will end then.” He said, also standing up and wanting to leave that place. He had had enough of this conversation even if it hadn’t lasted that long.
“You came after me.” Kazuya replied and took a deep breath. “I can do the same.” He added and stood aside. “I’m sorry for being this selfish, but love isn’t always about altruism.” He continued and smiled at Jin. “One way or another, I’ll show you that the only time I lied to you was when I believed that you had been the one to betray me first.” Kazuya said and took another deep breath. “Let’s go back.” He said slowly though he already knew that Jin wanted to leave from there as soon as possible.
But Jin didn’t move. Instead, he started to laugh softly though it sounded kind of crazy. “Betrayal?” he said, shaking his head and looking amused. “Lies?” he added and another short laugh escaped his lips. “Hurt?” he continued and this time, his eyes found Kazuya’s and Jin found himself taking one step towards the younger. “It seems that this is the only thing I can remember from our relationship.” He simply stated, now standing maybe too close to Kazuya, but the older one didn’t seem to notice this, too enwrapped in his anger. “The only time that I remember being really happy with you,” Jin said, unconsciously lifting his hands and grabbing Kazuya’s arms with all the strength he could muster, “was when we made love, but you had the delicacy of ruining that memory for me for ever.”
Kazuya couldn’t say anything as he kept looking at Jin, his hands going numb from the pressure the other was putting on them. What could he say when Jin was looking so devastated, so hurt and angry in the same time? What could he say to erase all the pain he had brought upon Jin? What could he do to give back Jin’s happiness? He wasn’t enough anymore, he couldn’t make Jin happy no more.
“Let go, it hurts.” Kazuya said with a feeble voice as he let his head down, unable to look at the older one anymore. Why was he doing this again? Yes, because he loved Jin. But he felt like giving up all of a sudden.
Jin startled, but his grip on Kazuya’s arms didn’t ease up even when he realized what he was doing. “And do you think this doesn’t hurt me too?” he asked, the anger from his voice disappearing and letting room only for the disappointment to settle in. “Do you think it’s easy for me to be with you now?” he said, thinking that Kazuya had never said this, but he must have felt the same way when Jin had kept pushing and asking for the truth.
“I know it’s not easy, I damn know it’s not.” Kazuya said with a raw voice. “But what should I do?” He raised his eyes to look at Jin. “To give up? To not see you again anymore? To accept that I was an immense stupid and that I have to live without you again?” He continued and his voice was crying even if his eyes weren’t. “If I’ll do this… then for what reason have I loved you? For what reason I ran away believing I was tricked into love and then betrayed? For what reason did you love me?!” His voice became a bit high-pitched towards the end. “If I do all that you ask of me…” he lowered his head once more. “It really hurts.” He said with a mumble, not clear if he referred to the pain in his heart or the pain in his arms.
Jin’s eyes studied Kazuya for a moment before finally letting him go, though he did it with great reluctance. He took one step back and ruffled his hair, clearly showing that he had no idea what should they do either. Even if they still loved each other… their relationship was too broken for them to make up and forget their suffering. Jin was aware of the fact that he won’t be able to trust Kazuya’s words ever again. Even those words of love and longing sounded so fake to his ears, after being used to hearing only lies. “Right now, it’s hard for me to know why I fell in love with you.” He said with a pained voice, taking one more step back and now being at a safe distance from Kazuya, afraid that he won’t be able to control himself and attack the younger again. “And it’s best if you forget all about us too if you don’t want me to do something which you might regret.” He softly threatened, his voice sounding more like he was pleading than demanding something.
Kazuya’s hand slipped inside his pocket, his fingers curling around a thin and soft object. “I will accept everything you might want to do to me.” He replied with a broken voice. “You can hurt me as many times as you like, but I will never forget about us.” He looked at Jin and got closer to him, forcing something in his hand. “I’ll come back later.” Kazuya mumbled and dashed off, leaving Jin behind. Right now, he felt like running and never looking back, he felt like leaving everything behind and just surrendering himself to nothingness because it hurt. So he kept distancing himself from Jin, he kept running, his sight slightly blurred because of the tears he didn’t want to let fall.
Jin looked down at his hand, a frown appearing on his face as he looked at the small bracelet that Kazuya had forcibly given to him. It looked kind of cute actually, full of colors and not looking fancy, but more like comfortable and warm. It was pretty long though and as Jin noticed that you had to curl it up on your hand or leg a few times, he also realized that this was a misanga that Yu had kept talking about. If he remembered correctly, it should bring good luck and it could make a wish come true when it would fall off. But why had Kazuya given this to him? For Jin to make a wish? For him to have good luck in life or work or…
He sighed. Maybe he should try to stop on understanding Kazuya. He had never managed to do it, not when they were together and least now. In the end, he decided to just put the bracelet into his pocket and ask Kazuya later what did he mean with it, turning his back on the park and exiting it. He headed to the car, thinking that the younger would come back there eventually so Jin waited for him for about half an hour before finally losing his last bit of patience.
“Where the hell is he?!” he cursed, looking up at the sky which was turning darker with every second that passed, sign that a storm was coming. He looked at his surroundings but there was no sign of the younger actor approaching him. Of course, Jin snorted, of course he would choose such a moment to vanish into thin air. He didn’t waste any more time and left his car where he had parked it, starting a light jog as he looked for Kazuya, hoping to find him before the storm came over.
Needless to say, that he hadn’t had that luck. The rain was falling hard when he had gotten to a stadium, not really hoping that he’ll find Kazuya there but now wanting to leave before at least checking. And he had been right to do it, because his eyes caught Kazuya hiding under the bleachers and trying to keep himself covered from the rain - though he wasn’t more successful than Jin.
“You’re really going to kill me one day!” Jin yelled at him through the rain, stopping next to Kazuya and grabbing his arm to lift him up.
The younger one looked surprised at Jin and he couldn’t think of anything but to say his name with a feeble voice. He let himself fall against Jin’s chest, feeling all worn down. “Why?” he asked and stifled a sob. “Why do you come after me if you don’t want to see me?” He continued, his hand gripping gently the rim of Jin’s shirt. “Why do you come after me if you don’t want to love me anymore?” He asked and his voice was broken once more. “Why don’t you let me come after you… to show that I won’t let you go away from me?”
Jin bit his lips, but he couldn’t stop the words from rolling off of them. “Because as much as I want to hate you, I still love you more than anything.” He replied, sounding annoyed but this was only because Kazuya still couldn’t understand anything about him. He claimed that he loved Jin and that he wanted him back, but he still had no idea who he was or how he was like. “So if you really love me as you say you do, don’t make me worry like this ever again.” He added, his hand on Kazuya’s waist pushing him a little so that they could move from there and search a shelter from the rain.
Kazuya sighed and clung onto Jin, letting him lead the way through the pouring rain, Jin’s words still swirling in his head and making his heart beat faster. Only Jin could use hate and love in the same sentence and make it sound so beautiful. How did Kazuya manage to get this pitiful, this pathetic, to make the one he loved feel the need to hate him in order to move on? Why couldn’t he have listened back then, why couldn’t he have demanded Jin an explanation? Because he had been afraid, he had been hurt. And now he realized that he had been hurting for nothing and that in the meantime, he had hurt Jin so much.
Their love was so difficult, it was like destiny was telling them to separate and they had been stubbornly clinging on their love, never to let go not even when the other one seemed to have tired. Because they believed in their love and even after time passed, they still loved each other. Kazuya just had to cling tighter on this and never let go.
They stopped in front of a church and in the absence of anything better, they pushed the doors open and entered inside, both of them shivering. And Kazuya didn’t let go of Jin, he was still holding onto his shirt. “I’m sorry.” He whispered in the silence that fell over them. Being in a sacred place also gave him shivers, thinking that they were two sinners that have wronged even in front of each other. But Kazuya was the worst out of them.
“Save it for some other time.” Jin cut him off, not really liking his outburst from earlier when he had confessed his feelings to Kazuya - though they should have been already too obvious for those who knew him. “Now we need to get warm.” He added, looking through the church, hoping that he’ll find something they could use. His eyes fell on a half ripped blanket with a few holes on it, but it was better than nothing and it seemed clean enough. Jin brought Kazuya to the chair that the blanket was sitting on and pulled it up, examining it and deciding that it looked even better than he had thought. The holes he had seen were actually part of the model and Jin realized that some old granny must have forgotten it there and that it didn’t belong to any homeless person as he had initially thought. “Get rid of those wet clothes.” He then said to Kazuya, proceeding to unfold the blanket as much as he could.
The younger looked at Jin confused. “But, Jin… it’s a church.” He started, glancing at the holy saints that were painted on walls. “I can’t undress in a church!” He added and sneezed as he said that. No matter what Jin said, Kazuya won’t undress just because his clothes were dripping wet.
Jin threw Kazuya a look that clearly said how annoyed he was by this answer. “Fine then!” he snapped, not really in the mood for fighting. So he just let the blanket fall off his hands, turning at Kazuya and grabbing his shirt, the expression on his face clearly saying that he was going to undress him himself if the younger wasn’t going to do it. And to prove himself, Jin pulled on the boy’s shirt.
Kazuya gaped at Jin, not expecting this at all. “Jin!” He squeaked, not knowing how to even react to this. “The saints are watching!” He said on a childish voice, sneaking a glance in his left and right, to prove what he had just told. “You can’t…” he added and tried to pull himself away from Jin.
“Undress yourself or I’m going to do it for you.” Jin growled, now having problems keeping his straight face as he wanted to laugh at Kazuya’s behavior. He really didn’t want to have to do this, but those clothes were going to get them cold and Jin was already feeling chills down his spine, remembering that he had a weaker body and that he will certainly catch a cold from this. “Now.” He added on an impatient tone, though the reason was totally different from the one Kazuya probably thought.
The younger one pouted and nodded once. “Okay.” He mumbled and without other words he let himself down, as if to hide himself away from the saints’ eyes, and began undressing himself, all of his moves awkward and equally slow. He stretched the wet clothes on the back of the chairs and he crouched once more, trying to hide his nakedness. He had kept the boxers on him though, those weren’t as wet as the rest of him. He looked up at Jin, the pout still on his lips. “Satisfied now?” Kazuya asked and sneezed once more.
“Very.” Jin replied with a grimace, now standing in front of Kazuya as naked as the younger. He sighed and put the blanket over his shoulders, letting a part of it cover the ground as he sat down and then pulled Kazuya into his arms, the boy’s back hitting Jin’s chest as the older one let the blanket fall over them, wrapping them in its warmth. “Just don’t move too much, okay?” he warned, resting his back on the wall and tightening a little his hold on Kazuya.
But the young couldn’t keep still and he had to find his place. So he tried left, he tried right, trying to make himself smaller in Jin’s arms. He hadn’t expected Jin to take him in his arms, but he understood that he was doing this because both of them needed warmth and even if there were candles lit, the church was still cold. Finally, he found a place he liked and sighed contented. Then he recalled Jin’s words. Kazuya looked up at Jin and said on an apologetic tone - “Sorry, did I move too much?”
“No, not at all.” Jin replied with a strangled voice, his eyes still closed as he didn’t dare to open them. Damn it, this hadn’t been such a good idea after all and the fact that Kazuya had started moving exactly after Jin had asked him not to… well, it made things a little harder. Literally. “You just gave me a hard-on, that’s all.” He added, his voice lower as he took a deep breath to control his body.
Kazuya’s mind blanked. And then his body reacted, more like felt what Jin was talking about. God, he had been oblivious! He had been so deep in his thoughts about being in Jin’s arms, about the saints watching them that he had been oblivious that both of them were naked, both of them were in love with each other and they were in a church. Yes, they were in a church and saints were watching over them.
Kazuya bit on his lips as he kept looking at Jin and his expression of self-restrain. “If I stay still, will it pass?” he asked on a low voice, letting his head down this time. “I’m sorry, I just…” He said and exhaled some hair right on Jin’s collarbones, but again he was oblivious to his actions as he kept wondering how should he make it alright. They couldn’t do anything about it, they were in a church after all and saints were definitely watching.
“Turn around and look straight ahead.” Jin instructed, his body now trembling but because of different reasons than the cold. Well, this was definitely another way of getting warm, Jin mused as he felt his whole blood rushing to his head and pumping in his veins, making his cheeks go redder with every second that passed. “And then yes, stay still.” He added, taking another deep breath and lifting his hands to set them on Kazuya’s shoulders and help him move as he wanted him to.
“But, Jin -” Kazuya turned again, refusing to listen to Jin’s advice. “You were shivering. Are you that cold?” He asked and took Jin’s hands and rubbed them between his, blowing hot air over them. Then he let his hands climb up and down on Jin’s arms, warming them up. “Look, I’ll warm you up.” He said and turned with his whole body to face Jin and this way noticing the red cheeks. Kazuya’s eyes widened. “Do you have a fever already?!” He asked and put his hand on Jin’s forehead, then cupped his cheeks, checking his temperature. “Argh, damn, I’m so stupid!” He cursed and hugged Jin, erasing any possible distance between them as his hands slipped around Jin’s waist and slowly rubbed his back, wanting to warm him up. “I should have known you’d come looking for me.” He then added, his breath tickling Jin’s shoulder as Kazuya squeezed even more into Jin, offering his body warmth.
One. Two. Three. It was useless, Jin realized. Even if he’d start to count to one hundred billions of millions, he would never manage to get rid of those thoughts that had taken over his mind, not even with all the saints watching them as Kazuya had proceeded to explain. “Kazuya.” He called his name, hoping for the love of God that those stupid ideas from the younger’s mind would soon disappear and that he won’t torture Jin this much. He took a deep breath and sighed afterwards, closing his eyes as he tried once again to calm himself down. “Just shut up.” He ordered, one of his hands slipping around Kazuya’s waist and keeping him there to not allow any more movement from him, while his other one remained limp on his side. “Shut up.” He repeated in a whisper, letting his head fall down a little, not seeing where it had landed but knowing that he was suddenly much closer to Kazuya than he would have liked. He just had to control himself until the rain passed them. Then they could go back to the car, call his mom to tell her to prepare a hot bath for both of them - because of course they had forgotten their phones in the car - and everything will be forgotten.
Kazuya felt shivers as he came to realize that Jin was holding him, that he was holding Jin too and for once, he wasn’t pushed away. And he finally understood that his earlier actions were a bit reckless and he was hurting Jin. “Okay…” he mumbled and let his head rest on Jin’s shoulder. When will they sit like this again, all of the bad things being erased between them? When will they have the chance to hold each other again with feelings of love and not because it was a situation in which they had to? Kazuya really hoped that this day would come soon, he really hoped he and Jin could start it all over again. But could they really leave their past behind them? Could they forget everything that happened?
“Jin.” Kazuya said after a few moments of silence. “You said you still love me.” He continued and closed his eyes, his hands tightening around Jin involuntarily. “Before you came after me through this rain… I was wondering if you will come.” He whispered as if he was afraid to talk a bit louder. “I was wondering if my actions will make you hate me.” He let out a breath, feeling his body shiver at this thought. “But you still love me… it makes me kind of happy.”
“Then I’m glad for you.” Jin replied with an ironic voice, not knowing if he should get mad because of Kazuya’s words or just feel hurt that the younger was once again showing him what he couldn’t have. He decided in the end to keep his face as straight as he could, but he knew that his body betrayed him and that his heart was beating louder than ever, exactly next to Kazuya’s ear. This situation was painful for him, but it was a sweet bliss in the same time. “And I told you to not say anything more.” He proceeded to remind the younger, hoping that he’ll really shut up eventually.
“Would you hate me, Jin?” Kazuya ignored Jin’s wish and chose to vent his fears, seeing as he won’t get this close to him another time. “If I’ll keep following you… will you end up hating me?” He asked and there was a soft cry in his voice as he said the word hate. If Jin said yes, how was Kazuya supposed to react? How should he act?
Jin took a deep breath, ignoring the pang of hurt that threatened to break his heart apart. No, he would never hate Kazuya. He had loved him for three years in which he had had no idea of where the younger was or if he was even thinking of Jin. He knew that he’ll live the rest of his life in love with Kazuya or, at least, until someone else would appear who could make him forget his first love. “I don’t know.” He replied after a moment of silence, glancing at the boy from his arms and biting his lips as he prepared to say the next word. “Probably.”
Kazuya’s hands held Jin even tighter upon hearing Jin’s last word. He didn’t want this to happen, he didn’t want Jin to hate him. But he couldn’t stop from following him, he couldn’t stop from going to see him, to touch him. He could never do that. Kazuya took a deep breath and moved a little, raising his head from Jin’s shoulder, now able to look at the one he loved in the face.
“Then… can I have your love one more time before you start hating me?” Kazuya asked with a shaking voice, feeling his heart bleeding, feeling how he was diving into a darkness he’ll never escape. If Jin were to hate him, Kazuya… he didn’t know.
“What do you mean?” Jin asked with a frown, not understanding what was Kazuya trying to say. To have his love for one more time? In what way? What was he planning now?
Somehow, Jin had a bad feeling about this.
Kazuya gave a small smile. “Just love me.” He replied and brought one of his hands to touch one of Jin’s locks. “Just love me like the first time…” The younger one continued and gulped a little, his smile fading. “Let me recreate a happy memory with me for you.” He breathed and looked at Jin pleadingly. If he could, he wanted to give Jin back a little of the happiness he had so mercilessly stolen from him. He didn’t want Jin to think of him as his worst love.
“Kazuya, you can’t.” Jin sighed, lifting his arm and catching Kazuya’s hand within his, bringing it down from his face. “Listen to me.” He then continued, kissing each one of the younger’s fingers with a light and soft brush of his lips on them. “I love you, I really do.” He confessed, his eyes boring into Kazuya’s, showing that Jin was being totally honest with him and that he wanted Kazuya to understand why he was acting this way. “I feel that I’ve loved you for so long that I don’t know how my life would be without this love.” He said, aware that he was contradicting himself and saying the opposite of what he had said just a few seconds ago. “But… but love is not enough. What had happened between us made it impossible for us to ever be together again. I can’t be together with you again.”
Kazuya closed his eyes, feeling his hand weak in Jin’s one, feeling his body tired and his heart buried. Jin didn’t want to be with him anymore, Jin didn’t need him anymore. He opened his eyes again and looked sadly at Jin. “Why?” He asked with a feeble voice, feeling it breaking. “There are countless people that lie, that hurt the ones they love… and they still can be together, they still want to be together.” He continued and lowered his head. “Why can’t we be the same? Why can’t we leave our past behind and start all over again?” Kazuya added, biting his lips to stop the cry in his throat from getting out. “Please.” He lifted his head and he was actually begging. “I love you and you love me too… why can’t we work it out?”
“Because I can’t trust you.”Jin replied simply, a small and pained smile curling up his lips a little bit. “Because I can’t live the rest of my life wondering if you really love me.” He sighed, thinking that Kazuya had no idea how much courage he needed to say these words. “Because I don’t want to wonder every time you leave, if you’ll come back too.” He continued, shaking his head and remembering the morning he had come back to the room only to find it empty; the night when they had made love for the second time and Kazuya had told him that everything had been a game. “Because even if it’s true that you love me too,” Jin stopped for a moment, once more lifting his arm and gently caressing Kazuya’s cheek, the love he was feeling for the younger plastered in his eyes and obvious in the adoring way he was looking at Kazuya, “love is not enough. Not anymore.” He added, thinking that there was a time when love really was enough.
But it was too late for that.
Kazuya leaned into Jin’s touch and he knew that the older one was right. His former actions had destroyed everything that had been between them, his lies had brought all of this. He leaned and pressed his lips against Jin’s, his eyes closed and tears sliding from them. “I’m sorry.” He said as he pulled back and then settled in the other one’s arms, letting once more his head on his shoulder. “I really am.”
“It’s alright.” Jin replied with a small smile, thinking that maybe this had convinced Kazuya that he needed to give up at chasing after him. He still had no idea why was Kazuya doing this, if he really loved him or just wanted to hurt him more, but even so, Jin couldn’t help but hold the younger close to him, clinging to him as he knew this was the last time they could be like this.
They were in a church and they were sinners. It was the perfect place to end all of this.
Kazuya raised his hands once more and looked at Jin, tears still sliding down his cheeks. “It’s alright if I lose you?” He asked with a trembling voice. “It’s alright if you lose me again?” He continued and there was a certain edge to his tone. “It’s alright if everything ends here and tonight?!” His voice raised a little and it gave a hollow echo in the church. His eyes were still crying and his face was pained and desperate.
“Kazuya, nothing will end tonight because nothing ever started between us.” Jin replied with a roll of his eyes, his hands around Kazuya’s waist tightening their hold a little. “It might have started that night when we slept together, but you left and the story ended without really beginning. I can’t lose something that was never mine and…” he stopped in time, before saying that Kazuya will never lose Jin, no matter what happens. This was the last thing that he needed to say to him. He took a deep breath and tried to recover. “Just stop it, okay?” he pleaded, sounding tired and not really in the mood to continue this conversation. “The rain will stop soon and then we’ll be able to return to the car. Just shut up until then.” He ordered yet again, his voice sounding harsher than he had wanted.
“You’re wrong.” Kazuya shook his head in denial. “Everything started since I let you kiss me, since I kissed you back.” He continued, recalling the days where they had been curious and stubborn in getting what they wanted. “I was yours after I gave into you so many times… I am still yours even if I lied, hurt and betrayed you.” Kazuya caught Jin’s face with his hands, holding him dearly. “As much as I love you, this much I despise this self that hurt you.” He caressed with his fingers Jin’s cheeks. “But for this love, for your love…” He whispered and brought his lips closer to the older one’s. “I’ll do anything.” He concluded and kissed Jin, nibbling on his lips, asking for permission to do more.
“Kazuya, stop.” Jin said, turning his head from the younger one’s kiss. “The only thing that you can do now is to let go.” He continued, staring at a distant point and intentionally avoiding Kazuya’s gaze, knowing that he won’t have the courage to say these words if he looked at him. “Love fades.” He added with a bitter chuckle. “Life goes on.”
“But I won’t.” Kazuya replied harshly and pressed a kiss on Jin’s jaw, dropping a few others as he went down on the neck. “I won’t stop from loving you…” He bit the skin a bit. “I won’t stop from wanting you…” He licked it slowly. “I won’t stop ever.” He sucked on that spot, while his hands had fallen on Jin’s shoulders, his fingers digging in the skin.
“I said stop!” Jin snapped, turning to look at Kazuya and catching his arms into his hands, forcibly putting some distance between their bodies. “Don’t you see?” he said with a raised tone, sounding exasperated and annoyed. “I don’t care if you love me. I don’t care if you want me. I don’t care what you want to do. I just want you out of my life and I’ll say it again. If you don’t stop immediately, I’ll make sure that you’ll be the one to hate me.” He threatened, feeling at the end of his patience. He wasn’t going to stand there and let himself get hurt again. If Kazuya wanted to play games, then fine! He was going to have one.
“Then make me!” Kazuya cried, looking desperate and lost. “Make me hate you and this way you’ll get rid of me! Otherwise, I’ll love you forever and I’ll never leave you alone.” He continued, now his voice subdued to a whisper. “Make me hate you, Jin.” He kissed him again, hating the way his heart was shattering because of his mistakes, because of the love he felt.
PART II
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story - Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P.
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eight song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun burns down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious one
Fifteenth song ~ Never again
Sixteenth song ~ Blue tuesday
Seventeenth song ~ Murasaki
Eighteenth song ~ The Fifth Season
Nineteenth song ~ I'll be with you
Chapter twenty
Twentieth song ~ Sadistic love
It makes me kneel,
The laughing voice of a little devil,
It makes me twist my face in pain
And then it’s satisfied.
ONE MORE TRY.
<< Don't love, unless you expect pain. Don't cry, unless you expect love. >>
It was the morning of the second day he had been crashing at Jin’s parents’ home and Kazuya felt kind of dreadful to face the one he loved and his parents once more. When he had decided to come here, not letting Jin forget about him, he didn’t realize that all this could turn on him all of a sudden and wore him out. And now all he wanted was to sleep, to stay all day long in bed and not leave this room ever.
But he had to and with a groan, he got out of bed and went to the bathroom to wash. But when he looked in the mirror, he let out another groan. His eyes were red and puffy, sign that he had been crying. God, he was stupid. But last night he couldn’t stop the tears or the pain he had felt, so he had just cried to his heart’s content. And now he was facing the consequences - his eyes were dried of tears, instead they looked red and a bit swollen. Kazuya hoped that until he had to go downstairs, he’ll look normal again. Too bad he didn’t have any ice bag to put on his eyes, this way he could have concealed his puffy eyes.
Half an hour later, Jin knocked on his door announcing him that breakfast was ready. Kazuya rushed to the bathroom to see if his eyes were looking any different than when he had woken up and then he swore silently. It was little change, his eyes still looking red if not puffy. With a dreadful feeling, he exited the room and headed for the kitchen. He wasn’t worried about Jin noticing this, but he was more worried about Misaki and he didn’t want to worry her.
He entered the kitchen and saw Jin’s mother setting the plates at the table where Jin and his father were seated. “Good morning.” Kazuya greeted and forced himself not to look at Jin.
The older though had no problem doing this and looked at Kazuya, his eyes narrowing a little when he saw the state that the boy was in. He sighed silently and glanced at his mother who had stopped suddenly and started to look worried as she let her eyes roam over Kazuya’s figure.
“You almost missed breakfast.” Jin interrupted the silence that had fallen over them and Misaki flinched, realizing that she had let her worry get the best out of her and she had forgotten about everything else. “Sit down.” Jin added, locking his eyes with his mother’s to warn her not to ask anything and then looking again at Kazuya.
Luckily, Misaki seemed to understand quickly her son’s message. “Sit down, Kame-chan, you must be starving.” She chirped, quickly going back to her happy self as she put the plates with food in front of Jin and the empty spot next to him.
“Sorry if we had been too loud last night and kept you awake.” The father added, smiling gently at Kazuya and thinking that this must be the reason for Kazuya’s red eyes.
Kazuya tried not to choke on the water he had just drunk as he looked at Jin’s father, smiling back. “No, not at all. Actually, I slept at some point, but then I couldn’t so I read a bit.” He continued, rubbing one eye, though it only made it look redder. “I’m sorry that I’ve been so tardy in coming to breakfast.” He then bowed to Misaki and her husband, then looked at his plate as if he didn’t know what to do with it.
“Well, I had to drag Jin out of his bed so you should be the last one to feel guilty about this.” Misaki laughed as she sat down and Jin pouted, crossing his arms and pursing his lips.
“I was sleepy!” he defended himself, though all of them knew that this would have happened either way. “Besides, I came home late because of you.” Jin accused, feeling that he shouldn’t be the only one to receive the blame for this.
Kazuya picked up the fork and tried not to think of the reasons why Jin had gotten back home late. He had one good reason and it was named Yui. He took some food into his mouth, chewing onto it, though he couldn’t quite feel its taste. He continued eating silently, almost automatically, not wanting to be rude and refuse the food.
“Don’t blame me because you once again forgot the hours and spent the whole night out with a girl!” His mother scolded Jin, trying to sound upset though it was obvious that she couldn’t erase the grin from her face. “So how was it?” she asked, her voice sounding more insinuating than it should have for a woman in her forties.
“Mom!” Jin shrieked, feeling his cheeks burning up. Oh, God, he should have known he would have to go through this at some point.
“What?” Misaki shrugged innocently, leaning a bit into her husband. “I haven’t heard anything about a girl from you for too long.” she stated, this time her tone really sounding like she was scolding her son. “And Kame-chan says that you had a girlfriend went you came to shoot that movie here and you didn’t even introduce her to us.” She pouted, clearly displeased of this fact.
Kazuya wanted to die in that precise moment. Why didn’t he pretend being sick and stayed in bed until afternoon, not wanting to hear this anymore and how Jin’s parents wanted a woman as Jin’s lover and certainly not a man, certainly not him. He let down the fork and wiped politely his mouth. “Thank you for the meal.” He replied with a soft voice, smiling at Misaki, though in his plate there was left half of the food.
“Kame-chan, wait!” Misaki hurried to stop him, her puppy eyes in place as Kazuya looked at her. “Could you please do me a favor and go shopping?” she pleaded, even her voice sounding like she was a kicked puppy. “I can’t leave the house and these two men have no idea how to buy what’s good and what’s not…” she complained, faking a sigh like this was the end of the world.
Kazuya looked a bit surprised. “Sure…” he agreed, looking a bit unsure at the eager voice of Misaki. “Just give me the list and I’ll go shopping.” He smiled, thinking that this might be what he really needed to get rid of this clenching feeling in his heart.
“Oh, Jin already knows what I need.” She replied with the same smile, battling her eyelashes and looking innocently at Kazuya as if it wasn’t obvious that she was trying to set them up. “You’ll go with him, won’t you, darling?” she then asked, looking at her son and receiving a shrug in response. “Then it’s settled!”
Kazuya suppressed back the need to sigh, instead he tried to smile as the thought of going with Jin shopping stuck into his mind, swirling and swirling around. Really, he thought he’ll be giving Jin a few hours without him and now he was actually going with him?! Talk about fate now. He looked unsure towards Jin for the first time this morning and he chewed on his lips. “I’ll go upstairs to pick something and I’ll come down in a bit.” He said and before waiting for Jin’s answer, he dashed out of the kitchen with another thanks towards Misaki.
Five minutes later, he was out of the house and there were some sunglasses covering his red eyes, even if the November sun wasn’t that strong and it was sometimes covered by clouds. He looked after Jin and he saw him sitting in the car, waiting for him. His heart beat a little faster, recalling a certain shopping night he had done with Jin just two weeks ago. It seemed like ages since that night date they had shared, when Jin still wanted him in his life. Kazuya shrugged this memory aside as he strolled over to the car and opened the passenger’s door, slipping inside. “Let’s go.” He said with an uncertain voice, still not removing his sunglasses.
Jin glanced at him but didn’t say anything, just started the car and drove faster and faster as they were getting more far away from the house. Silence had fallen over them and Jin found himself to not like it, him being one person who couldn’t stand being quiet for more than five seconds. The problem was that he couldn’t find a subject to discuss and it somehow felt sad that not even now, he didn’t know how to create a conversation with Kazuya. “I see that you decided to stay.” He chose to say, not sure if it was wise to bring up this topic but his mouth had already opened and Jin couldn’t take back his words anymore.
Kazuya glanced at Jin, but his sunglasses hid this action of his. “Well…” he said uncertainly, playing with his fingers. “…you said it was okay.” He completed and there was a certain worry in his voice. “It -” Kazuya stopped and gulped. “- isn’t okay anymore?” he asked, sounding like a child that had received permission to do a half-forbidden thing and was now getting reassurance that it was indeed alright.
“I don’t change my mind every time I wake up.” Jin said with a teasing and slightly accusing voice, though both of them knew that Jin really had this bad habit to want something today and to wish for the opposite thing the next day. But in the same time, they both knew that it was true because this had never happened when was Kazuya involved.
The younger boy allowed himself a smile, though it was kind of feeble. “Thanks.” He replied hoarsely and turned to look out the window. “Is it far?” He then asked as he watched house by house passing in front of him. It was a residential area after all.
“Five minutes by car, twenty by foot.” Jin replied, turning left and slowing down a little as other cars started to appear in front of them. “It’s not that far, but I’m still sleepy and I hate walking in the morning.” He pursed his lips as his eyes concentrated on the road ahead.
Kazuya chuckled as he glanced once more at Jin. “You’re still a sleepyhead, aren’t you?” He asked but it sounded more like speaking to himself than to Jin. “But maybe we should walk… fresh air will do you good for the health.” He suggested, thinking that he wouldn’t dislike a walk with Jin first thing in the morning.
“Later.” Jin promised with a smile dancing on his lips, only glancing at Kazuya and then focusing on the road ahead. They spent the rest of the time in silence, though it didn’t take long for them to get to their destination. To Kazuya’s surprise, Jin didn’t park outside of a supermarket or something like that, but in front of an antique shop.
“Umm, Jin?” He called as he lowered his sunglasses a little, just to watch better the shop. “I don’t think this is the grocery shop.” He remarked and pushed back his glasses as he turned to Jin, his lips pursed a bit.
“No, mom ordered some kind of statue that some kind of king had used in I don’t know what century.” Jin sighed, the fact that his mother used to do often things like this being written on his face. “She has a whole room full with junk like this and only some of them are spread over the house. She buys them and then she’s afraid not to break them.” He explained, not being able to stop another sigh from escaping his lips.
Kazuya chuckled. “Lovely.” He said and without anything else, he walked to the antique shop with a jumping foot. Oh, this was going to be interesting! Maybe he could buy a little present for Misaki too and thank her this way for her kindness. Yes, it was a wonderful idea!
Half an hour later, they returned to the car, Kazuya looking really pleased and Jin almost on the verge of groaning in pain or sighing in relief. He had managed to pick something for Misaki - a cute dolphin made out of white and blue crystal and something else - and he really hoped she’d like it, though Jin had assured him that she will love it. Kazuya wanted to buy something for Jin’s father too, but the older one had advised him against, saying that his father was more practical than his mother.
“So will you take me to another store where I can buy something for your father?” Kazuya continued as they sat in the car, looking at Jin through his sunglasses. He still had them on.
“My father would be happy with some nice cigars, but you can’t find them here.” Jin replied, turning on the engine and leaving yet again with Kazuya. “Other than that, I don’t really know what he’d like. I’m not even sure about those cigars, but he always brags about them and talks about the country where he got them from, so it’s a nice gift.” He shrugged, silently telling that he didn’t know any more than this.
Kazuya gave Jin an incredulous look. “How could you not know what your father likes except cigars?” He asked in the sort of bemused voice. “I still know what my father loved the most and he’s been gone for many years of my life. He loved receiving clocks, all types, for him it didn’t matter. He just loved clocks. And my mother too! She was crazy for flowers, you could win her with a nice bouquet of lily-of-the-valley. She loved those flowers the most.” He smiled happily at these memories, looking like a child longing for his parents. “And Yuuya too! I remember him loving all kind of silly books about occultism. I would buy him each time I saw something he’d like. He’d read them all and then come to me and tell me all of his opinions regarding the subjects in those books. He was so cute…” Kazuya stopped, realizing that there were suddenly tears in his eyes, but luckily for him, the sunglasses were still hiding his eyes. So all one could see was the smile that was still on his lips at the memory of his dead family. “So it’s impossible for you not to know what your father likes!” He then proceeded to scold Jin, crossing his arms at his chest.
“Well…” Jin replied in a sort of uncertain way. “He likes books too.” He continued with the same unsure voice, realizing that he had never paid any attention to his parents. It couldn’t he helped though, he had left home before he was twenty and hadn’t really come back that much. After that, he had gone to America and even if he had stayed in touch with them, it wasn’t the same as when he was home and could see them everyday. He could hear them talking about their day, but he couldn’t be there for them too. “He always used to read some difficult books, especially the ones I would run away from.” He chuckled, remembering that no matter how much his father had insisted for Jin to read too, his son had refused all the time because it seemed too boring for him to stay in the same place for hours and practically do nothing.
“Noted. Smarter than you.” Kazuya teased and was already thinking of what kind of book might the man be interested in. Who knows, maybe he proved to have some interests like Yuuya too. “I’ll look in a library and I’ll see what might interest him. Wild guess, though.” He said and looked quite excited about this. “It’s settled then!” He clapped his hands, jumping a little on his seat.
“Try something along the lines of English writers.” Jin advised him, turning right and parking the car for the second time that day. This time it was a jewelry shop for now and in the end, they needed to visit a lot more shops like this, not even one of them having anything to do with their supposed grocery list.
“And now we can go back home.” Jin stretched a little as they went back to their car after choosing a book for his father too. They had been on the road for almost two hours.
But Kazuya didn’t want to go back home, at least not yet. So he stopped and looked around, spotting a small park a few yards further than the parking lot. “Jin, let’s go there!” He suddenly said and without waiting for Jin’s reply, he darted towards the park, smiling like an idiot. Ah, it’s been a long time since he felt so relaxed and free. After all, a few hours of shopping made miracles for him and on top, Jin hadn’t been moody around him, so… he quite enjoyed the time they spent together.
Jin rolled his eyes, sincerely not knowing if he should be annoyed at Kazuya for making him stay longer than he wanted to or to simply enjoy this time spent with the younger, trying not to think at what bad things had happened between them. In the end, his lips curled up by themselves and his feet starting moving towards Kazuya, Jin realizing that he still couldn’t resist the boy’s beautiful smile. “It’s pretty quiet too.” He noticed, glancing around him to spot any unwelcome visitors - he was still a star, after all, people could notice him - and then going to a swing and sitting on it.
Kazuya was already swinging on the other next to Jin and he looked with a broad smile at him. “It’s better this way.” He said with a laugh as the swing went higher. “It’s like we are the only ones that matter right now.” He added as he put a full stop, now his eyes sparkling happily as he looked at Jin. Truth was that the fact he had really been given the occasion to have this kind of fun and that he was able to share it with Jin made him feel happier than ever. It was like he could forget all about their bad terms and actually feel that they were closer than ever. But reality wasn’t as nice as he wanted - he and Jin were the farthest away from each other.
“Yeah, but it makes me feel lonely.” Jin replied, his eyes fixed somewhere far away from them, looking at a certain point that even he couldn’t see. He was used to being surrounded by a lot of people - his family, his friends, his fans - and the fact that he was alone there with Kazuya somehow gave him chills, making him feel weird in a good way but in the same time, in a bad way. He didn’t know how to explain the feeling, but he was certain that he would have felt different if things between him and Kazuya weren’t so broken beyond repair.
He smiled a small smile and started to move his legs, moving the swing just a little bit but not putting any real strength in it. It was like he was doing it on command, because his body needed to move to stop his mind from thinking too much. To stop him from remembering that the last time he had been into such a park with Kazuya, they had been together and had been happy.
“I wouldn’t be able to live alone.” Jin confessed, swinging a little faster and intentionally not mentioning that Kazuya was there with him. After all, who knew when he’d leave again? Jin couldn’t count on him. Not now and not never.
Kazuya looked up at the sky, not standing to see how Jin was ignoring his existence. “If there’s one person that won’t be alone ever… that’s you, Jin.” He said, his eyes searching the clear blue. “I’m sure that even if the most important ones to you were to leave… you’d still have someone by your side.” Kazuya smiled, thinking that maybe Jin was right - them being here was indeed lonely. “You’re not alone.”
“Maybe.” Jin chuckled softly, allowing his smile to widen a little as he glanced at Kazuya to find him studying the sky. He followed his gaze and fastened the movement of the swing as he looked up too, remembering how many times he had watched the sky when he felt alone and wondered what were his friends doing. What was Kazuya doing. “But I can’t help but feel lonely sometimes.” He confessed, not knowing what had gotten into him to say such a thing, especially when Kazuya was the only one who could make him feel like this - and say something like this too.
The younger turned to look at Jin, partly understanding what he meant. He got off his swing and walked in front of Jin, stopping him from swinging anymore. He had his head lowered for a few seconds, but then he raised it a little so that he and Jin could look at each other.
“I know that my words aren’t worth trusting anymore…” He started and gulped a little. “But I’ll give them to you.” Kazuya continued and looked at Jin longingly. So close, so far away. “Even if in the end you won’t be able to forgive me, to accept me back… I want you to know that I will be by your side, as your friend. I won’t let you be alone.” He said and smiled a little, feeling his eyes a bit watery. What will his life be as Jin’s friend? Will he bear it? Yes, because right now he’d do anything for Jin. “So that’s why… if you ever feel alone, just say my name. Wherever you’ll be, I’ll come to you.” He let go of the swing and took a step backwards.
“Kazuya…” Jin called him back, feeling shivers running down his spine as he realized that he had used the younger’s first name for the first time in a long time. He saw him stopping and Jin bit his lips, not knowing what to say or how to start. But he did know the basic idea so in the end, the words just started to roll off his lips. “When we go back to Tokyo, I don’t want to see you anymore.” He said, desperately trying to keep his voice calm though it seemed kind of impossible at that moment. “I still have a few interviews, so I can’t leave right now, but please.” He continued, emphasizing the last word. “Until I leave Japan, don’t appear in front of me ever again, no matter what the reason.”
If Kazuya was hurt by Jin’s words, he didn’t show it. He just smiled sadly, thinking that this was the only thing he could never do when it came to Jin. “I’m sorry.” He replied as he lowered his head again, hiding his eyes from Jin’s. “Nothing can keep me away from you, not even you.” He continued and his voice shook a little. “I want you back no matter what and I’ll do anything to win you back until I will have nothing left, until you’ll hate me.” He said and lifted his head, looking straight at Jin. “Though I can’t promise that I’ll do that even then.” He smiled and got closer to the other one. “I -” Kazuya lifted two fingers to his lips, kissing them, “- love -” the word floated in the air as he detached his fingers away from his mouth, “- you.” And he pressed them against Jin’s lips. They were in public, Kazuya could only kiss him like this.
“You’re selfish.” Jin accused him, refusing to listen to his heart which was beating like crazy in that moment. Why was Kazuya making him like this? Why couldn’t he just give up and let him live his life as far away from him as possible? Why couldn’t he understand that it hurt Jin to hear him say words of love when he couldn’t believe in them anymore?
It was actually funny, because if Kazuya’s story was true… if he had really believed that Jin had slept with him just for fun… then he was surely getting revenge now, making Jin feel exactly how he had felt when he had heard Jin saying how much he loved him.
“It doesn’t matter though.” Jin continued, only now lifting his hand and removing Kazuya’s fingers from his lips. “You won’t be able to follow me to America and this game will end then.” He said, also standing up and wanting to leave that place. He had had enough of this conversation even if it hadn’t lasted that long.
“You came after me.” Kazuya replied and took a deep breath. “I can do the same.” He added and stood aside. “I’m sorry for being this selfish, but love isn’t always about altruism.” He continued and smiled at Jin. “One way or another, I’ll show you that the only time I lied to you was when I believed that you had been the one to betray me first.” Kazuya said and took another deep breath. “Let’s go back.” He said slowly though he already knew that Jin wanted to leave from there as soon as possible.
But Jin didn’t move. Instead, he started to laugh softly though it sounded kind of crazy. “Betrayal?” he said, shaking his head and looking amused. “Lies?” he added and another short laugh escaped his lips. “Hurt?” he continued and this time, his eyes found Kazuya’s and Jin found himself taking one step towards the younger. “It seems that this is the only thing I can remember from our relationship.” He simply stated, now standing maybe too close to Kazuya, but the older one didn’t seem to notice this, too enwrapped in his anger. “The only time that I remember being really happy with you,” Jin said, unconsciously lifting his hands and grabbing Kazuya’s arms with all the strength he could muster, “was when we made love, but you had the delicacy of ruining that memory for me for ever.”
Kazuya couldn’t say anything as he kept looking at Jin, his hands going numb from the pressure the other was putting on them. What could he say when Jin was looking so devastated, so hurt and angry in the same time? What could he say to erase all the pain he had brought upon Jin? What could he do to give back Jin’s happiness? He wasn’t enough anymore, he couldn’t make Jin happy no more.
“Let go, it hurts.” Kazuya said with a feeble voice as he let his head down, unable to look at the older one anymore. Why was he doing this again? Yes, because he loved Jin. But he felt like giving up all of a sudden.
Jin startled, but his grip on Kazuya’s arms didn’t ease up even when he realized what he was doing. “And do you think this doesn’t hurt me too?” he asked, the anger from his voice disappearing and letting room only for the disappointment to settle in. “Do you think it’s easy for me to be with you now?” he said, thinking that Kazuya had never said this, but he must have felt the same way when Jin had kept pushing and asking for the truth.
“I know it’s not easy, I damn know it’s not.” Kazuya said with a raw voice. “But what should I do?” He raised his eyes to look at Jin. “To give up? To not see you again anymore? To accept that I was an immense stupid and that I have to live without you again?” He continued and his voice was crying even if his eyes weren’t. “If I’ll do this… then for what reason have I loved you? For what reason I ran away believing I was tricked into love and then betrayed? For what reason did you love me?!” His voice became a bit high-pitched towards the end. “If I do all that you ask of me…” he lowered his head once more. “It really hurts.” He said with a mumble, not clear if he referred to the pain in his heart or the pain in his arms.
Jin’s eyes studied Kazuya for a moment before finally letting him go, though he did it with great reluctance. He took one step back and ruffled his hair, clearly showing that he had no idea what should they do either. Even if they still loved each other… their relationship was too broken for them to make up and forget their suffering. Jin was aware of the fact that he won’t be able to trust Kazuya’s words ever again. Even those words of love and longing sounded so fake to his ears, after being used to hearing only lies. “Right now, it’s hard for me to know why I fell in love with you.” He said with a pained voice, taking one more step back and now being at a safe distance from Kazuya, afraid that he won’t be able to control himself and attack the younger again. “And it’s best if you forget all about us too if you don’t want me to do something which you might regret.” He softly threatened, his voice sounding more like he was pleading than demanding something.
Kazuya’s hand slipped inside his pocket, his fingers curling around a thin and soft object. “I will accept everything you might want to do to me.” He replied with a broken voice. “You can hurt me as many times as you like, but I will never forget about us.” He looked at Jin and got closer to him, forcing something in his hand. “I’ll come back later.” Kazuya mumbled and dashed off, leaving Jin behind. Right now, he felt like running and never looking back, he felt like leaving everything behind and just surrendering himself to nothingness because it hurt. So he kept distancing himself from Jin, he kept running, his sight slightly blurred because of the tears he didn’t want to let fall.
Jin looked down at his hand, a frown appearing on his face as he looked at the small bracelet that Kazuya had forcibly given to him. It looked kind of cute actually, full of colors and not looking fancy, but more like comfortable and warm. It was pretty long though and as Jin noticed that you had to curl it up on your hand or leg a few times, he also realized that this was a misanga that Yu had kept talking about. If he remembered correctly, it should bring good luck and it could make a wish come true when it would fall off. But why had Kazuya given this to him? For Jin to make a wish? For him to have good luck in life or work or…
He sighed. Maybe he should try to stop on understanding Kazuya. He had never managed to do it, not when they were together and least now. In the end, he decided to just put the bracelet into his pocket and ask Kazuya later what did he mean with it, turning his back on the park and exiting it. He headed to the car, thinking that the younger would come back there eventually so Jin waited for him for about half an hour before finally losing his last bit of patience.
“Where the hell is he?!” he cursed, looking up at the sky which was turning darker with every second that passed, sign that a storm was coming. He looked at his surroundings but there was no sign of the younger actor approaching him. Of course, Jin snorted, of course he would choose such a moment to vanish into thin air. He didn’t waste any more time and left his car where he had parked it, starting a light jog as he looked for Kazuya, hoping to find him before the storm came over.
Needless to say, that he hadn’t had that luck. The rain was falling hard when he had gotten to a stadium, not really hoping that he’ll find Kazuya there but now wanting to leave before at least checking. And he had been right to do it, because his eyes caught Kazuya hiding under the bleachers and trying to keep himself covered from the rain - though he wasn’t more successful than Jin.
“You’re really going to kill me one day!” Jin yelled at him through the rain, stopping next to Kazuya and grabbing his arm to lift him up.
The younger one looked surprised at Jin and he couldn’t think of anything but to say his name with a feeble voice. He let himself fall against Jin’s chest, feeling all worn down. “Why?” he asked and stifled a sob. “Why do you come after me if you don’t want to see me?” He continued, his hand gripping gently the rim of Jin’s shirt. “Why do you come after me if you don’t want to love me anymore?” He asked and his voice was broken once more. “Why don’t you let me come after you… to show that I won’t let you go away from me?”
Jin bit his lips, but he couldn’t stop the words from rolling off of them. “Because as much as I want to hate you, I still love you more than anything.” He replied, sounding annoyed but this was only because Kazuya still couldn’t understand anything about him. He claimed that he loved Jin and that he wanted him back, but he still had no idea who he was or how he was like. “So if you really love me as you say you do, don’t make me worry like this ever again.” He added, his hand on Kazuya’s waist pushing him a little so that they could move from there and search a shelter from the rain.
Kazuya sighed and clung onto Jin, letting him lead the way through the pouring rain, Jin’s words still swirling in his head and making his heart beat faster. Only Jin could use hate and love in the same sentence and make it sound so beautiful. How did Kazuya manage to get this pitiful, this pathetic, to make the one he loved feel the need to hate him in order to move on? Why couldn’t he have listened back then, why couldn’t he have demanded Jin an explanation? Because he had been afraid, he had been hurt. And now he realized that he had been hurting for nothing and that in the meantime, he had hurt Jin so much.
Their love was so difficult, it was like destiny was telling them to separate and they had been stubbornly clinging on their love, never to let go not even when the other one seemed to have tired. Because they believed in their love and even after time passed, they still loved each other. Kazuya just had to cling tighter on this and never let go.
They stopped in front of a church and in the absence of anything better, they pushed the doors open and entered inside, both of them shivering. And Kazuya didn’t let go of Jin, he was still holding onto his shirt. “I’m sorry.” He whispered in the silence that fell over them. Being in a sacred place also gave him shivers, thinking that they were two sinners that have wronged even in front of each other. But Kazuya was the worst out of them.
“Save it for some other time.” Jin cut him off, not really liking his outburst from earlier when he had confessed his feelings to Kazuya - though they should have been already too obvious for those who knew him. “Now we need to get warm.” He added, looking through the church, hoping that he’ll find something they could use. His eyes fell on a half ripped blanket with a few holes on it, but it was better than nothing and it seemed clean enough. Jin brought Kazuya to the chair that the blanket was sitting on and pulled it up, examining it and deciding that it looked even better than he had thought. The holes he had seen were actually part of the model and Jin realized that some old granny must have forgotten it there and that it didn’t belong to any homeless person as he had initially thought. “Get rid of those wet clothes.” He then said to Kazuya, proceeding to unfold the blanket as much as he could.
The younger looked at Jin confused. “But, Jin… it’s a church.” He started, glancing at the holy saints that were painted on walls. “I can’t undress in a church!” He added and sneezed as he said that. No matter what Jin said, Kazuya won’t undress just because his clothes were dripping wet.
Jin threw Kazuya a look that clearly said how annoyed he was by this answer. “Fine then!” he snapped, not really in the mood for fighting. So he just let the blanket fall off his hands, turning at Kazuya and grabbing his shirt, the expression on his face clearly saying that he was going to undress him himself if the younger wasn’t going to do it. And to prove himself, Jin pulled on the boy’s shirt.
Kazuya gaped at Jin, not expecting this at all. “Jin!” He squeaked, not knowing how to even react to this. “The saints are watching!” He said on a childish voice, sneaking a glance in his left and right, to prove what he had just told. “You can’t…” he added and tried to pull himself away from Jin.
“Undress yourself or I’m going to do it for you.” Jin growled, now having problems keeping his straight face as he wanted to laugh at Kazuya’s behavior. He really didn’t want to have to do this, but those clothes were going to get them cold and Jin was already feeling chills down his spine, remembering that he had a weaker body and that he will certainly catch a cold from this. “Now.” He added on an impatient tone, though the reason was totally different from the one Kazuya probably thought.
The younger one pouted and nodded once. “Okay.” He mumbled and without other words he let himself down, as if to hide himself away from the saints’ eyes, and began undressing himself, all of his moves awkward and equally slow. He stretched the wet clothes on the back of the chairs and he crouched once more, trying to hide his nakedness. He had kept the boxers on him though, those weren’t as wet as the rest of him. He looked up at Jin, the pout still on his lips. “Satisfied now?” Kazuya asked and sneezed once more.
“Very.” Jin replied with a grimace, now standing in front of Kazuya as naked as the younger. He sighed and put the blanket over his shoulders, letting a part of it cover the ground as he sat down and then pulled Kazuya into his arms, the boy’s back hitting Jin’s chest as the older one let the blanket fall over them, wrapping them in its warmth. “Just don’t move too much, okay?” he warned, resting his back on the wall and tightening a little his hold on Kazuya.
But the young couldn’t keep still and he had to find his place. So he tried left, he tried right, trying to make himself smaller in Jin’s arms. He hadn’t expected Jin to take him in his arms, but he understood that he was doing this because both of them needed warmth and even if there were candles lit, the church was still cold. Finally, he found a place he liked and sighed contented. Then he recalled Jin’s words. Kazuya looked up at Jin and said on an apologetic tone - “Sorry, did I move too much?”
“No, not at all.” Jin replied with a strangled voice, his eyes still closed as he didn’t dare to open them. Damn it, this hadn’t been such a good idea after all and the fact that Kazuya had started moving exactly after Jin had asked him not to… well, it made things a little harder. Literally. “You just gave me a hard-on, that’s all.” He added, his voice lower as he took a deep breath to control his body.
Kazuya’s mind blanked. And then his body reacted, more like felt what Jin was talking about. God, he had been oblivious! He had been so deep in his thoughts about being in Jin’s arms, about the saints watching them that he had been oblivious that both of them were naked, both of them were in love with each other and they were in a church. Yes, they were in a church and saints were watching over them.
Kazuya bit on his lips as he kept looking at Jin and his expression of self-restrain. “If I stay still, will it pass?” he asked on a low voice, letting his head down this time. “I’m sorry, I just…” He said and exhaled some hair right on Jin’s collarbones, but again he was oblivious to his actions as he kept wondering how should he make it alright. They couldn’t do anything about it, they were in a church after all and saints were definitely watching.
“Turn around and look straight ahead.” Jin instructed, his body now trembling but because of different reasons than the cold. Well, this was definitely another way of getting warm, Jin mused as he felt his whole blood rushing to his head and pumping in his veins, making his cheeks go redder with every second that passed. “And then yes, stay still.” He added, taking another deep breath and lifting his hands to set them on Kazuya’s shoulders and help him move as he wanted him to.
“But, Jin -” Kazuya turned again, refusing to listen to Jin’s advice. “You were shivering. Are you that cold?” He asked and took Jin’s hands and rubbed them between his, blowing hot air over them. Then he let his hands climb up and down on Jin’s arms, warming them up. “Look, I’ll warm you up.” He said and turned with his whole body to face Jin and this way noticing the red cheeks. Kazuya’s eyes widened. “Do you have a fever already?!” He asked and put his hand on Jin’s forehead, then cupped his cheeks, checking his temperature. “Argh, damn, I’m so stupid!” He cursed and hugged Jin, erasing any possible distance between them as his hands slipped around Jin’s waist and slowly rubbed his back, wanting to warm him up. “I should have known you’d come looking for me.” He then added, his breath tickling Jin’s shoulder as Kazuya squeezed even more into Jin, offering his body warmth.
One. Two. Three. It was useless, Jin realized. Even if he’d start to count to one hundred billions of millions, he would never manage to get rid of those thoughts that had taken over his mind, not even with all the saints watching them as Kazuya had proceeded to explain. “Kazuya.” He called his name, hoping for the love of God that those stupid ideas from the younger’s mind would soon disappear and that he won’t torture Jin this much. He took a deep breath and sighed afterwards, closing his eyes as he tried once again to calm himself down. “Just shut up.” He ordered, one of his hands slipping around Kazuya’s waist and keeping him there to not allow any more movement from him, while his other one remained limp on his side. “Shut up.” He repeated in a whisper, letting his head fall down a little, not seeing where it had landed but knowing that he was suddenly much closer to Kazuya than he would have liked. He just had to control himself until the rain passed them. Then they could go back to the car, call his mom to tell her to prepare a hot bath for both of them - because of course they had forgotten their phones in the car - and everything will be forgotten.
Kazuya felt shivers as he came to realize that Jin was holding him, that he was holding Jin too and for once, he wasn’t pushed away. And he finally understood that his earlier actions were a bit reckless and he was hurting Jin. “Okay…” he mumbled and let his head rest on Jin’s shoulder. When will they sit like this again, all of the bad things being erased between them? When will they have the chance to hold each other again with feelings of love and not because it was a situation in which they had to? Kazuya really hoped that this day would come soon, he really hoped he and Jin could start it all over again. But could they really leave their past behind them? Could they forget everything that happened?
“Jin.” Kazuya said after a few moments of silence. “You said you still love me.” He continued and closed his eyes, his hands tightening around Jin involuntarily. “Before you came after me through this rain… I was wondering if you will come.” He whispered as if he was afraid to talk a bit louder. “I was wondering if my actions will make you hate me.” He let out a breath, feeling his body shiver at this thought. “But you still love me… it makes me kind of happy.”
“Then I’m glad for you.” Jin replied with an ironic voice, not knowing if he should get mad because of Kazuya’s words or just feel hurt that the younger was once again showing him what he couldn’t have. He decided in the end to keep his face as straight as he could, but he knew that his body betrayed him and that his heart was beating louder than ever, exactly next to Kazuya’s ear. This situation was painful for him, but it was a sweet bliss in the same time. “And I told you to not say anything more.” He proceeded to remind the younger, hoping that he’ll really shut up eventually.
“Would you hate me, Jin?” Kazuya ignored Jin’s wish and chose to vent his fears, seeing as he won’t get this close to him another time. “If I’ll keep following you… will you end up hating me?” He asked and there was a soft cry in his voice as he said the word hate. If Jin said yes, how was Kazuya supposed to react? How should he act?
Jin took a deep breath, ignoring the pang of hurt that threatened to break his heart apart. No, he would never hate Kazuya. He had loved him for three years in which he had had no idea of where the younger was or if he was even thinking of Jin. He knew that he’ll live the rest of his life in love with Kazuya or, at least, until someone else would appear who could make him forget his first love. “I don’t know.” He replied after a moment of silence, glancing at the boy from his arms and biting his lips as he prepared to say the next word. “Probably.”
Kazuya’s hands held Jin even tighter upon hearing Jin’s last word. He didn’t want this to happen, he didn’t want Jin to hate him. But he couldn’t stop from following him, he couldn’t stop from going to see him, to touch him. He could never do that. Kazuya took a deep breath and moved a little, raising his head from Jin’s shoulder, now able to look at the one he loved in the face.
“Then… can I have your love one more time before you start hating me?” Kazuya asked with a shaking voice, feeling his heart bleeding, feeling how he was diving into a darkness he’ll never escape. If Jin were to hate him, Kazuya… he didn’t know.
“What do you mean?” Jin asked with a frown, not understanding what was Kazuya trying to say. To have his love for one more time? In what way? What was he planning now?
Somehow, Jin had a bad feeling about this.
Kazuya gave a small smile. “Just love me.” He replied and brought one of his hands to touch one of Jin’s locks. “Just love me like the first time…” The younger one continued and gulped a little, his smile fading. “Let me recreate a happy memory with me for you.” He breathed and looked at Jin pleadingly. If he could, he wanted to give Jin back a little of the happiness he had so mercilessly stolen from him. He didn’t want Jin to think of him as his worst love.
“Kazuya, you can’t.” Jin sighed, lifting his arm and catching Kazuya’s hand within his, bringing it down from his face. “Listen to me.” He then continued, kissing each one of the younger’s fingers with a light and soft brush of his lips on them. “I love you, I really do.” He confessed, his eyes boring into Kazuya’s, showing that Jin was being totally honest with him and that he wanted Kazuya to understand why he was acting this way. “I feel that I’ve loved you for so long that I don’t know how my life would be without this love.” He said, aware that he was contradicting himself and saying the opposite of what he had said just a few seconds ago. “But… but love is not enough. What had happened between us made it impossible for us to ever be together again. I can’t be together with you again.”
Kazuya closed his eyes, feeling his hand weak in Jin’s one, feeling his body tired and his heart buried. Jin didn’t want to be with him anymore, Jin didn’t need him anymore. He opened his eyes again and looked sadly at Jin. “Why?” He asked with a feeble voice, feeling it breaking. “There are countless people that lie, that hurt the ones they love… and they still can be together, they still want to be together.” He continued and lowered his head. “Why can’t we be the same? Why can’t we leave our past behind and start all over again?” Kazuya added, biting his lips to stop the cry in his throat from getting out. “Please.” He lifted his head and he was actually begging. “I love you and you love me too… why can’t we work it out?”
“Because I can’t trust you.”Jin replied simply, a small and pained smile curling up his lips a little bit. “Because I can’t live the rest of my life wondering if you really love me.” He sighed, thinking that Kazuya had no idea how much courage he needed to say these words. “Because I don’t want to wonder every time you leave, if you’ll come back too.” He continued, shaking his head and remembering the morning he had come back to the room only to find it empty; the night when they had made love for the second time and Kazuya had told him that everything had been a game. “Because even if it’s true that you love me too,” Jin stopped for a moment, once more lifting his arm and gently caressing Kazuya’s cheek, the love he was feeling for the younger plastered in his eyes and obvious in the adoring way he was looking at Kazuya, “love is not enough. Not anymore.” He added, thinking that there was a time when love really was enough.
But it was too late for that.
Kazuya leaned into Jin’s touch and he knew that the older one was right. His former actions had destroyed everything that had been between them, his lies had brought all of this. He leaned and pressed his lips against Jin’s, his eyes closed and tears sliding from them. “I’m sorry.” He said as he pulled back and then settled in the other one’s arms, letting once more his head on his shoulder. “I really am.”
“It’s alright.” Jin replied with a small smile, thinking that maybe this had convinced Kazuya that he needed to give up at chasing after him. He still had no idea why was Kazuya doing this, if he really loved him or just wanted to hurt him more, but even so, Jin couldn’t help but hold the younger close to him, clinging to him as he knew this was the last time they could be like this.
They were in a church and they were sinners. It was the perfect place to end all of this.
Kazuya raised his hands once more and looked at Jin, tears still sliding down his cheeks. “It’s alright if I lose you?” He asked with a trembling voice. “It’s alright if you lose me again?” He continued and there was a certain edge to his tone. “It’s alright if everything ends here and tonight?!” His voice raised a little and it gave a hollow echo in the church. His eyes were still crying and his face was pained and desperate.
“Kazuya, nothing will end tonight because nothing ever started between us.” Jin replied with a roll of his eyes, his hands around Kazuya’s waist tightening their hold a little. “It might have started that night when we slept together, but you left and the story ended without really beginning. I can’t lose something that was never mine and…” he stopped in time, before saying that Kazuya will never lose Jin, no matter what happens. This was the last thing that he needed to say to him. He took a deep breath and tried to recover. “Just stop it, okay?” he pleaded, sounding tired and not really in the mood to continue this conversation. “The rain will stop soon and then we’ll be able to return to the car. Just shut up until then.” He ordered yet again, his voice sounding harsher than he had wanted.
“You’re wrong.” Kazuya shook his head in denial. “Everything started since I let you kiss me, since I kissed you back.” He continued, recalling the days where they had been curious and stubborn in getting what they wanted. “I was yours after I gave into you so many times… I am still yours even if I lied, hurt and betrayed you.” Kazuya caught Jin’s face with his hands, holding him dearly. “As much as I love you, this much I despise this self that hurt you.” He caressed with his fingers Jin’s cheeks. “But for this love, for your love…” He whispered and brought his lips closer to the older one’s. “I’ll do anything.” He concluded and kissed Jin, nibbling on his lips, asking for permission to do more.
“Kazuya, stop.” Jin said, turning his head from the younger one’s kiss. “The only thing that you can do now is to let go.” He continued, staring at a distant point and intentionally avoiding Kazuya’s gaze, knowing that he won’t have the courage to say these words if he looked at him. “Love fades.” He added with a bitter chuckle. “Life goes on.”
“But I won’t.” Kazuya replied harshly and pressed a kiss on Jin’s jaw, dropping a few others as he went down on the neck. “I won’t stop from loving you…” He bit the skin a bit. “I won’t stop from wanting you…” He licked it slowly. “I won’t stop ever.” He sucked on that spot, while his hands had fallen on Jin’s shoulders, his fingers digging in the skin.
“I said stop!” Jin snapped, turning to look at Kazuya and catching his arms into his hands, forcibly putting some distance between their bodies. “Don’t you see?” he said with a raised tone, sounding exasperated and annoyed. “I don’t care if you love me. I don’t care if you want me. I don’t care what you want to do. I just want you out of my life and I’ll say it again. If you don’t stop immediately, I’ll make sure that you’ll be the one to hate me.” He threatened, feeling at the end of his patience. He wasn’t going to stand there and let himself get hurt again. If Kazuya wanted to play games, then fine! He was going to have one.
“Then make me!” Kazuya cried, looking desperate and lost. “Make me hate you and this way you’ll get rid of me! Otherwise, I’ll love you forever and I’ll never leave you alone.” He continued, now his voice subdued to a whisper. “Make me hate you, Jin.” He kissed him again, hating the way his heart was shattering because of his mistakes, because of the love he felt.
PART II