Secret Whispers - Chapter eithteen [part I]
Title: Secret Whispers
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story - Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P.
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eight song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun burns down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious one
Fifteenth song ~ Never again
Sixteenth song ~ Blue tuesday
Seventeenth song ~ Murasaki
Chapter eighteen
Eighteenth song ~ The Fifth Season
The winter creeping is mild and frosty
I can't even think of reason why aren't you around me
'Coz next to nowhere
A scratched-up from my memory and try to approach the next season…
<< Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. >>*
Maybe this wasn’t exactly the right thing to do, Jin thought as he entered the studio and looked around him at the people working there. It seemed that they were shooting a scene right then and Jin’s lips curled up automatically as his eyes fell on the young actor in the middle of the stage who sat there with a pained expression on his face and tried to act the scene as best as he could.
But then again, maybe he really shouldn’t be here. Jin fidgeted on the spot as he tried to make up his mind. He had spent his whole day like this and the past ones too, trying not to think at the last time he had seen Kazuya and what had happened between them. He still couldn’t believe that the boy had thrown away his ring and he still had no idea how to respond to such a thing. Maybe… just maybe. Maybe he was wrong and Kazuya really didn’t love him anymore. Maybe it had all been in his head and Kazuya had said the truth all along, but Jin had chosen to see things that weren’t true or real just because he couldn’t stand the idea of being hurt, of living without his lover.
But in the same time, he couldn’t accept such a thing. Kazuya had responded to each thing he had done and each time he had tried to push Jin away at the beginning only to fall into his own trap and let himself be seduced and convinced by the older one’s words of love. And every time things had gone a little too fast or Jin had pushed him too much, Kazuya would suddenly remember that he had to hate Jin and couldn’t be with him.
Which one was the truth? Jin didn’t know, but he was planning to find out. Their last meeting had left one more scar on his soul and he had needed to give up at his own ring too, because he hadn’t been able to stand looking at it again, knowing what had happened with its pair. Now they were both locked in a little box and put in the dresser near his bed, to be able to have them close if he couldn’t watch them anymore and let himself be soothed by them. And he didn’t want others scars because he wasn’t sure his heart could resist it after three years of being left alone.
This had to be the day everything will be cleared out, Jin decided. He really loved Kazuya, but too many things had happened between them. The boy seemed to be determined on chasing Jin out of his life and if this was best for Kazuya, then… then he’ll just have to comply with it and leave Kazuya to be happy with Ryo.
He sighed and took a seat somewhere in the back, some members of the staff greeting him. Jin thanked Ryo that he hadn’t been completely banned from his studio, though he had a vague idea that this will happen after today.
No, he shouldn’t think at such things. He shook his head and let his eyes land on the figure in the middle of the improvised room, the smile on Jin’s lips widening a little as he watched the boy. Kazuya looked pained at the auburn-haired woman in front of him. He looked like he had missed her, he had desired her and it was clearly shown on his face.
“Why?” his voice was rasp and throaty, but sort of wavering. The woman said nothing, so Kazuya continued. “Why did you leave? Why did you leave without a word, knowing how much I loved you?!” He looked once more pained and the woman bit her lower lip an in attempt to stop it from trembling.
“You didn’t love me.” She replied and her voice was doubtful and accusing. “You don’t even realize why I left, do you?” She then asked and it sounded purely mocking to Jin’s ears, reminding him of a certain someone.
“How can I know when you don’t even tell me?” Kazuya sighed and looked suddenly tired, like he couldn’t keep going on like this. “You know how long I searched for you? How long I tried to find you?!”
“Why should I know when you don’t even know the reason I left? I don’t even care if you searched for me! After all the lies…” She looked teary, but the gleam in her eyes was fierce.
“Lies?!” Kazuya asked incredulously. “I never lied to you!” He sounded pleading and opened his mouth to say something else but he was suddenly stopped, surprise written in his brown orbs as he looked at the interrupting him.
“CUT!” Jin’s voice was heard in the studio as he stood up from his chair and took a step forward. His heart started beating fasted when he realized what he had done, but he tried to control himself and not let anything show on his face. It had been too unbearable to listen to them and to see Kazuya’s eyes look so empty. He didn’t understand a thing of the pain of being left behind.
“Who do you think you are to barge in like this and stop the filming?!” Ryo also stood up and faced Jin, angry and annoyed that his stupid friend had appeared again from nowhere. He couldn’t believe that Jin had the nerve to show up here again after kissing his boyfriend and claiming that he’d do anything to steal him back. His heart was beating furiously in his chest as his eyes met Jin’s and confronted him.
“Come on, Ryo!” Jin rolled his eyes and crossed his arms as he approached the director with a curious expression, completely ignoring the reason why his friend was actually so annoyed. “You know as well as I do that this is not the acting you were expecting from your big star.” He pointed out and looked thoughtful as he cocked an imposing eyebrow.
Kazuya frowned upon hearing Jin’s words. His cheeks colored a bit though he never showed embarrassment but mere curiosity and disconcert. After all, he was good at concealing his true emotions and truth to be told, he was fuming on the inside. And now he was hoping that Ryo will throw Jin’s sad ass outside this studio.
But Ryo didn’t say anything and looked with a somehow concerned expression at his lover. Jin took this as a sign that he could continue. “Is this the best you can do?” he asked with a mocking voice, now looking at Kazuya. His smirk widened as he started to finally see some signs of feelings at the boy. “You said you’ll make the world forget about me, pretty boy,” he continued with a determined expression as he now approached the younger and stopped in front of him, remembering that Kazuya had said this with a joking tone while they were at the hut and deep hidden in the mountains, “but you aren’t succeeding anything but to look bad right now.” Jin said with what seemed to be a disgusted and disappointed voice.
Kazuya gritted his teeth and glared at Jin. How dared he say such things in public? How dared he humiliate him like this?! The young actor shoved all his feelings under a mask of calm.
“I’m sorry for offering you such a bad acting, though I don’t remember you to be a part of this film.” Kazuya bowed his head a little, allowing himself a fake polite smile. “But since you are far better experienced with such scenes, I appeal to your kindness and show this poor young actor how to play.” He continued and took a step back. “Yoroshiku, senpai.” He gave another bow and pointed his hand towards his co-star who looked thrilled and confused in the same time.
“Now those are the words I’ve been waiting for!” Jin grinned happily, now plain obvious that he had been planning for this since the beginning. “You,” he then added as he turned his gaze to a boy from the staff, “bring me a wig.” He ordered and prepared himself to go next to Kazuya when Ryo’s voice brought him back to reality.
“Jin, this is not your business.” He said with a grave voice and the actor gulped, knowing that Ryo was not in his best mood and that he should be more careful now. Still, he decided he couldn’t back away now. Not anymore.
“Sorry, but I just made it my business.” Jin replied with a firm voice, staring into his friend’s eyes who looked back at him, the words stuck in his throat. He had never seen Jin acting like this, fighting like this for someone else. Jin really did have feelings for Kazuya, didn’t he?
Kazuya smirked though it passed unnoticed as the older one wasn’t looking at him. “You heard the director, Akanishi-san.” He said on the humblest and politest tone ever.
Jin simply ignored him. “This is not the performance you want from your actors, Ryo.” He pointed out and took one step closer to him, the director flinching a little at his friend’s forwardness. “And you can’t deny it because I know you.” Jin smiled and took one more step.
Ryo looked uncertain at Jin for the first time, millions of thoughts crossing through his mind. It was true, Kazuya wasn’t giving the best he could, but he was the only one thinking like this because he was the only one to know that the boy could do much more than this. He knew that Kazuya had a real talent but everyone else seemed to be satisfied with him and didn’t notice a difference between his previous filming and this one. But Ryo knew. Ryo knew that it was because of the words Kazuya was forced to say that he couldn’t give everything.
His eyes traveled at Kazuya who was looking back at him, still waiting for him to ditch Jin off but now looking a little uncertain himself. Their eyes met and Ryo thought that he had seen a shadow of fear in Kazuya’s brown orbs, like he was trying to beg silently for Jin to not be allowed to participate. What had happened between them now? Ryo looked again at Jin and the same shadow appeared in his eyes too. What was it that he didn’t know?
“Let me help him.” Jin whispered with a pleading voice and Ryo found himself incapable to refuse.
“Okay.” The director said with a small voice, obviously still not convinced that he was doing the right thing as took back his seat, his eyes looking everywhere but at Kazuya. But what more could he do? He had tried to give his lover another chance, but everything seemed to fall apart every time Jin appeared.
He was just the third wheel between Kazuya and Jin.
Kazuya noticed the way Ryo avoided his look and he could only assume the worst. And he didn’t want to imagine what this approval of the director’s while combined with Jin’s idea would mean. But surely it wasn’t going to be something good for him, already suspecting that all this won’t end well and he will be the one to pay for everything. Jin was going to be his downfall one day and Kazuya really hoped it wasn’t going to be today.
So he assumed an impassible expression seeing that Ryo wasn’t going to do anything, just letting things go their flow, whatever that was since it was Jin that they were talking about. He really hoped that he wasn’t going to ruin his career too.
“Great!” Jin made a victory pose as he saw that Kazuya also was now convinced and turned to the younger, taking the wig on his way and putting it on Kazuya’s head with a large grin and innocent expression.
“What?!” Kazuya looked bewildered at Jin’s actions and he wasn’t the only one. “Kashino-san plays the girl!” He said through gritted teeth and pointed at the actress. If Jin thought this was funny, it clearly wasn’t the same for Kazuya.
“I know.” Jin replied with a shrug. “And exactly because of that you need to be in the front now.” He quickly explained as if it was something already obvious for everyone.
“You know you make no sense, right?” Kazuya said with a small voice, enough to be heard only by Jin and Kashino. “I will not submit to your selfish demands.” He then proceeded to take off his wig.
“Kazuya.” Ryo suddenly interfered, noticing what was the younger wanting to do and having a slight idea about what was going through his head. “Do what Jin says.” He ordered, understanding Jin’s intentions and honestly wanting to see how would this end. Of course, there wasn’t anyone better who could understand Kazuya’s role because this role was Jin’s life. He knew what feelings Kazuya should show because he had felt them himself. And even if it was a little unfair of him, the boy needed to face Jin once and for all and choose between them. Ryo too needed to see who was the one that Kazuya loved. Him… or Jin?
Jin blinked at Ryo, not really expecting him to agree so easily when it had to be clear for the director that he was trying to do, but it only took a second before he looked back to Kazuya, grinning even wider.
The younger tried not to gape and argue back to Ryo, though it was clear how displeased he was. “Fine.” He agreed and pushed the wig back on. Kazuya took his place, his jaw set and his expression sour. “Let’s do this.”
Jin didn’t waste any more time as he asked for a script and quickly browsed through it, reading the lines from the scene Kashino pointed to him. His eyes darkened a little at the words that were dancing in front of his eyes, but it passed as if it never existed.
“Let’s start.” He simply said as he looked at Kazuya and his expression totally changed from the cheerful face to a pained and distrustful one as Ryo gave the signal for them. “Why?” the older one whispered the word, narrowing his eyes a little and watching Kazuya intensively like he didn’t want to miss a thing. “Why did you leave? Why did you leave without a word knowing how much I loved you?!” he asked again and his voice seemed to break a little towards the end.
“You didn’t love me.” Kazuya replied and the words shot back, such a scene being like a double-edged sword. Then his lips curled up in a mocking but sad smile. “You don’t even realize why I left, do you?” The accusation was clear in his voice.
“How can I know when you don’t even tell me?” Jin asked back with a reproachful voice, raising his tone a little and looking at Kazuya with angry eyes. “You know how long I searched for you? How long I tried to find you?!” he wanted to know, now his voice sounding demanding and imperious as he took a step forward, his hands fisting and sweating under the pressure he was using on them.
“Why should I know when you don’t even know the reason I left? I don’t even care if you searched for me! After all the lies…” Kazuya looked sad and disappointed, but there was something in his expression so fierce and stubborn, that it wasn’t difficult to see how much he believed in the word he had just said. And Kazuya’s real feelings matched with the character’s.
“Lies?” Jin asked with a small voice, like he couldn’t believe the other one had really said that word. “I never lied to you.” He continued with the same tone but sounding a lot firmer and more confident, his eyes desperately searching Kazuya’s to show him how much he meant those words. “Why do you think I lied to you?!” he then demanded to know, sounding like he was on the verge of breaking if he won’t receive an answer soon. “You keep saying that I lied to you, but you never tell me what!!” he raised his voice and let his eyes become a little foggy.
Kazuya tried to mask his true reactions and to keep more to the character’s ones. And he knew perfectly well that he should act mocking and distrustful. It wasn’t that hard though, but he felt his true persona slip easily in the character’s shoes and he didn’t want this. “No? You didn’t lie to me at all, did you?” He started to walk and his voice was cruel, mocking. “You lied so much to me that you don’t even know which one truly made me go away!” He wheeled around and looked accusingly at Jin. “Look back and maybe you’ll realize your lie!” Kazuya chuckled evilly and he was sure that for a moment, he wasn’t thinking of his character’s pain but his own.
Jin looked with a resigned expression at Kazuya. “You’re right.” He said with a defeated voice, shrugging a little, but it was obvious how much it hurt him to act like this. “I lied to you all the time.” He confessed, his eyes finding Kazuya’s and staring right into them. “I lied when I told you that I love you.” He continued and his voice seemed rather calm right now, though the tears from his eyes hadn’t dried yet. “I lied when I said that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, when I said that you’re all that I ever wanted, that I couldn’t live without you!!” he managed to yell towards the end, his voice raising maybe more than it was necessary. “After all,” Jin said as he turned his back on Kazuya, wiping the tears with the back of his hand - maybe he had exaggerated a little when he had allowed himself to cry for the scene, but he had never thought that once he’d start, he won’t be able to stop himself - “that’s why I waited for you for three years, right?” he laughed bitterly and for a moment, he asked himself if the last part was in the script exactly like this or was a little different.
But as Kazuya saw the tears in Jin’s eyes, he had kind of totally forgotten the character’s role. He strolled to Jin and turned him around, looking furious and hurt in the same time. “See that it’s easy to admit once you realize them?” He said with a low and shaking voice. “And now you know why I had to leave.” He added and removed his hand from Jin’s shoulder. Somehow, he had found the way back to the character he was supposed to play. “You faked love and I found out in the end. A little too late, that’s right, but at least… I managed to go away before you tainted me more.” Kazuya reverted to the cold and mocking character, pulling away and realizing maybe for the first time, just how similar his role was to Jin and Kashino’s role to his. It was fate playing a prank on them, really.
Or maybe Ryo.
“I tainted you?” Jin asked with an incredulous voice. “Ka - “ he started to say, but stopped himself in time and took a deep breath to control himself and think at his character again. “Ami, you don’t know how to love or how to trust someone.” He sighed tiredly and shook his head, a small and mocking smile on his lips. “You’re just selfish and too afraid to get hurt even more. You know that the truth may be different from what you know, so you refuse to tell me your reason.” He accused, his eyes now trained on Kazuya’s figure. He didn’t really think that Kazuya didn’t know how to love, but he knew that the boy would consider this to be directed at himself and Jin had no intention to deny it for the moment.
Kazuya bristled at such words. Of course, he shouldn’t take them seriously, it was just acting, but right now… he felt that he was being accused. “Oh, really?” He laughed as his eyes narrowed dangerously. “And you sure know what love means and how to love a person, right?” He continued, mocking and chuckling from time to time. “And how exactly do you do that? By sleeping with that person and then going and babbling about it to your friends?” He added and started to move, not being able to stay put. “Oh, wait. I have better.” Kazuya turned to Jin and smiled so sweetly that it made you sick. “You go and praise yourself in front of your friends, not forgetting to add that that person doesn’t mean a thing to you except a bed warmer. Oh, I love the way you love.” He laughed sarcastically, trapped in his feelings and not realizing that he had just slipped away from his character’s lines and had reduced the whole studio to silence as everyone was looking at what the hell was Kazuya talking about.
“When the hell did I ever brag about sleeping with you?!” it was Jin’s turn to yell, not knowing from where had those accusation come from. What the hell was Kazuya talking about? He had never talked with any of his friends about his relationship with the boy. In fact, he was pretty sure that not even Pi knew about how far had their relation evolved before being separated. “You were the one to leave without a word and then go to my friend to fuck him too!!” he continued to accuse the boy, also caught in his fight with Kazuya and not being able to realize that they weren’t alone and that the whole staff was watching them.
Ryo stiffened on his chair and opened his mouth to stop them, to say something, anything!! But he found himself unable to when he looked at the two actors. Both of them were suffering and he now realized that it was all a big misunderstanding. They were both idiots, in love with each other but continuously blaming the other for the fall of their relation.
He couldn’t stand this anymore.
Kazuya had winced at Jin’s accusing tone and words. Okay, one thing first - “I have never slept with any of your friends!” He roared and his face was covered in a deep shade of red, somewhere in the corner of his mind realizing that Ryo might be listening to this. Well it was kind of impossible not to hear as Kazuya was practically yelling, no? “Unlike you, I don’t jump from bed to bed, no matter how much you would have deserved this.” He continued with derisive tone, waving a dismissive hand. “And oh, yes, you bragged! I heard you myself!” Kazuya added with a disgusted voice and a defiant expression on his face, one that said - dare to tell me I heard wrong.
“What do you mean you haven’t slept with anyone?” Jin asked, suddenly lowering his voice and looking rather shocked at Kazuya, this being the only thing that had registered in his mind. “But what about…” he wanted to say, his hand already pointing to Ryo when the director’s voice cut through their little world and dissipated it into thin air.
“ENOUGH!!” Ryo roared as he stood up and looked furiously at the two of them. “Jin, you have ten seconds to get out of my studio and I mean it!!” he continued to yell and the actor recognized Ryo’s tone as being the one which said to not mess up with Ryo right now. He gulped and looked apologetic at his friend as if trying to say how sorry he was, bowing deeply and then exiting the studio. He had done enough damage and the bad part was that Ryo had been the one affected the most by their fight.
Meanwhile, Kazuya came back to his surroundings and just realized what had really happened and what kind of a scene they had done. He was white as a sheet as his eyes never left Ryo, knowing that right now he had hurt him the most. He wanted to say something and just as he made a move towards the director, his clear voice stopped him. Shivers ran down his spine.
“And you,” the director continued, now looking at Kazuya with the same anger in his voice and eyes, “I don’t want to see you for the rest of the day.” Ryo ordered, turning his back on the whole crew and leaving the studio.
Enough was enough.
Kazuya stood there frozen, looking at the back of the most innocent person in all this. He couldn’t let him leave without a proper explanation, could he? But what could he say? Sorry wasn’t enough, begging would only make Ryo drift away and in the end… he was guilty. He had no reason to ask for forgiveness or to beg to not leave him or anything… Because he was sure that right now, his words had destroyed every bit of love and trust Ryo had towards him. And all because he had been selfish and couldn’t have let go of Jin.
The sudden whispering around him woke him and without anymore lingering, Kazuya threw the wig and dashed after Ryo. He really couldn’t let him go like this!!
So he hurried along the corridors of the studio, looked inside Ryo’s dressing room, but he was nowhere to be found. Luckily he almost tripped over a member staff and when he asked about the director, he mentioned seeing him leaving outside for a smoke. Kazuya had frowned on this bit of information as Ryo had never smoked before, but without dwelling anymore on this, he quickly exited the studio and headed for the corner where smoking was allowed.
That staff had been indeed right. Ryo was there and smoking. The sight kind of worried Kazuya as he had never seen such a hurt expression on the director. He approached Ryo slowly and quite afraid. He wasn’t sure how the other will react to his presence, but he didn’t want to take this risk and be chased away. He didn’t want to see Ryo suffering either.
“I said I don’t want to see you for the rest of the day.” The director reminded Kazuya without even looking at the boy to know who it was, though his tone wasn’t harsh or angry anymore, just seemed tired.
Kazuya’s heart clenched, but he couldn’t just turn around and go, could he? So instead he drew closer to Ryo until he was standing in front of him. “I didn’t know you smoke.” Came the best thing he could come up with. Really, why did he have to involve Ryo in all this shit? Why didn’t he refuse the director when he had confessed to him? Because he was a jerk and he couldn’t forget and he wanted Ryo to help him - that’s why.
“I took this habit from Jin.” The director shrugged and took one more long drag from the cigarette. He didn’t want to also confess that he had started smoking with Jin and had continued as long as his friend had remained in Japan. After that, smoking just didn’t seem fun anymore if he couldn’t do it with his best friend so Ryo had quit, but now… he felt the need of it. He felt like he was suffocating and the only thing that he could think of to help him had been this.
Somehow, it tasted awful after all those years.
Kazuya bit on his lower lip. “Ryo…” he started but words failed him next as he only stared at his lover. A brief pause settled between them and Kazuya tried to gather the last bit of courage to ask. “What will happen with u-us?” He stuttered towards the end and his voice seemed a bit fearful.
“What do you think?” Ryo asked back, finally raising his gaze from the stairs on which he had seated himself to smoke and looking into Kazuya’s eyes. “What do you think should happen with us?” he simply asked, like the matter didn’t concern any of them, but some random strangers.
Kazuya bit more on his lip as he didn’t really know what to answer. “We can… continue?” he wanted to state but it came more as a question.
“Continue what?” Ryo asked, cocking his eyebrow and looking curiously at Kazuya. “We never started anything to have what to continue.” He then shrugged and stood up, whisking the dirt from his pants. “You were never mine to claim you.” He confessed, his eyes boring into Kazuya’s brown orbs and yet again feeling like he was losing himself in that clear color.
Kazuya paled as he felt the distress behind Ryo’s voice. And how could he convince him that it wasn’t like that when the truth was that it really was? “You can’t say we don’t have something together…” He said with a small voice in which broken hope was clear as crystal water. “And I… claim you.” Kazuya added and his heart beat faster at his own words. In a way, he really wanted Ryo and he never wanted to part with him.
“I know.” Ryo answered and to Kazuya’s surprise, a small and sincere smile curled up his lips. “But I’m not the one you want.” He continued and raised his hand to gently caress the boy’s cheek. “I’m not the one you love and even if you need me right now, I’m not the one who should be with you.” He said, his fingers playing with Kazuya’s hair as Ryo’s heart started to beat a lot faster. He had to do this. It was the only way to stop feeling so helpless and miserable.
Kazuya frowned and although he would have liked to lean into that soft touch, he didn’t. He kept looking at Ryo, trying to understand his words, trying to accept them. “You’re casting me aside?” he asked with a broken voice and he couldn’t control his feelings that were now clearly expressed on his face. He was hurt, he was guilty, he was lost and confused.
“I’m setting you free to be with the one you truly love.” Ryo clarified with the same gentle tone though he slightly suspected that Kazuya might not agree with his decision and reason.
“You’re setting me free?” Kazuya asked with an incredulous voice. “Have I ever been caged so that you could say such things? Did I ever show that I wanted to be set free?” He continued and there was pain in his voice and eyes. If Ryo left him… he wouldn’t know where to go.
“Kazuya…” Ryo sighed and retreated a little to sit back on the stairs, grabbing the boy’s hand and pulling him down, next to him. “You don’t love me.” He said directly, not wanting to hide anymore his true thoughts. “You love Jin, right?” he then asked, showing that he wasn’t going to get mad and just forgetting to push back his hand from over Kazuya’s.
The younger looked at Ryo, surprise written in his eyes, but the truth was there too. It had always been, but he had refused to acknowledge it. He looked then at their linked fingers and Kazuya felt his eyes burn with tears. He couldn’t lie to Ryo, not anymore, not like this. “Yes.” He said with a low voice, not truly wanting Ryo to hear his answer.
“Then you need to talk with him.” Ryo decided, giving a pat to Kazuya’s hand and standing up, straightening his body and forcing himself to smile yet again. He was sending the one he loved in the arms of another one. He was giving up at the one person who had managed to change him and make him believe that maybe love could exist for him the second time.
He had loved before, he had let himself fall in love with someone that reminded him so much of Kazuya… Or maybe Kazuya reminded him of her, Ryo wasn’t sure at that point anymore. Things seemed to be mixing themselves in his head and he couldn’t keep a clear mind to be able to reason things properly. He couldn’t think of anything else but the thing that he had lost his love again and now… now it seemed crueler as it was in favor of his own best friend, not death.
He had to keep himself from breaking.
“You’re both idiots and you need to clear things out because I’m sure that he loves you as much as you love him too.” Ryo advised Kazuya, stopping himself from saying anymore. It wasn’t his place to do it.
Kazuya looked up at Ryo and there was a lost expression on his face. “I have nothing to talk with him and you know that. And the fact that I still have feelings for him… doesn’t make me any eager to leave you and get back with him.” He continued and rose up, his hand catching Ryo’s again. “I promised you… I’ll never leave you, I care about you.” Kazuya had a pleading tone and his hand tightened its hold. “You’re important to me, Ryo. I don’t want to lose you.”
“And you won’t lose me.” Ryo assured him, the words making his heart clench and bleed in pain as he once again forced himself to smile encouragingly at the boy. “I’ll still be here to help you because you’re important to me too.” He confessed and his eyes met Kazuya’s for a brief second. “Just not as your lover.” He added with a somehow bitter tone.
Kazuya blinked a few times to chase away his tears. “We can leave from here.” He said all of a sudden. “If we leave, Jin won’t bother us and… we can still be together.” He continued and looked at Ryo desperate. Ryo truly loved him, Jin… had fooled around. He wanted Ryo, not Jin.
“We have been together for three years, though not as lovers the whole time.” The director pointed out and sighed tiredly. Kazuya just didn’t get it. “Tell me, had this managed to make you forget him? No, it hadn’t.” Ryo answered, not waiting for the younger’s reply. “You just needed to see him for a second and all of those feelings which you considered to be forgotten had come back immediately.” He guessed and looked at Kazuya to see if he was right, though not really doubting it either, but being more curious to see if the boy was already aware of this or if he needed more convincing.
Kazuya stared back, not being able to deny the truth in Ryo’s words. Maybe the feelings hadn’t come back to him that quickly, but they surely did after he had spent some time in Jin’s company. “Ryo… even if you abandon me, I won’t turn back to him.” He replied and let go of the director’s hand, his head now hung low. “And I realize that I’m being selfish by asking you to still stick with me after I hurt you. I’m… sorry.” The words he was now saying were hurting him and he really didn’t want to say them. “You… don’t want to be with me anymore?” He then asked as he looked back at Ryo. He was a selfish bastard, but he had found something good and Kazuya wasn't really keen on letting it go away.
“I want you to be happy.” Ryo replied with a sincere tone. “And you won’t find that happiness with me, that’s why it’s better for us to go our separate ways. And I’m not saying that you should go back to Jin just because we have broken up.” He then laughed a little, like the idea was silly and impossible. “But you’d really make me happy if you talked to him.” Ryo added and a small smile curled up his lips.
Kazuya sighed, realizing that even if Ryo’s voice was gentle and sincere, the director won’t change his mind about them. He made a step closer and hugged Ryo. “Thank you for everything.” He whispered to his ear and he couldn’t suppress the sob that left his lips. “I want you to be happy too and it seemed I failed to do it so badly.” He added and took in Ryo’s scent. He will be this close to the director for the last time.
“Don’t be sad, Kazuya.” Ryo hugged him back and closed his eyes as he once again felt like breaking after finally managing to put it together. “You made me happier than anyone did and you’ll make me even happier if you’ll continue to smile and laugh like I know you.” He said and detached himself a little from his now ex-lover to look him in the eyes. “Be happy, Kazuya.” He added with a tender smile as he placed a small kiss on the boy forehead and then took a step back, letting him go. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Ryo continued and waved at the younger, not wanting to prolong this and not bearing to either.
Kazuya looked after Ryo going away from him, holding back the tears, holding back his feelings, not wanting to burden Ryo anymore than he had done. He silently let himself slid against the wall, crouching down on the ground and letting another chapter from his life to close because of Jin. He had lost the very best he could have and all that he was left with was this love for Jin and a huge amount of feelings he didn’t want to have. In his way, he had loved Ryo, but this hadn’t been enough to hold their relationship. And now… they weren’t together anymore.
Kazuya stood crouched against the wall for an hour, grieving after what could have been and now will never be.
*
He had really messed it up this time. He had made a fool out of himself and now all the papers will roar with the news that Jin Akanishi had let himself fall in love with a man and had been abandoned by the said man. Kazuya won’t have any more chances at receiving parts in movies and Ryo…
Oh, God, Ryo.
How could he do this? Ryo was his best friend and Jin had just destroyed his whole career that he had worked so hard to achieve. Kazuya was just at the beginning and, in a way, even bad publicity was still publicity. Jin was going to go back to America soon and he won’t have that many problems there with being gay and in love with a man, people will still buy his music and like his movies. But Ryo…
He was a jerk. Definitely. Now they could all announce to the world how much of a jerk was Jin Akanishi!
He couldn’t stand still, so he kept circling the bed, ruffling his hair and desperately trying to find a solution to the problems he had caused. It had been all his fault. If he hadn’t appeared there at the studio… if he hadn’t provoked Kazuya to say such things… if he hadn’t responded and practically yelled that Kazuya had slept with Ryo and Jin… He was such an idiot!! Maybe Ryo was right and they should buy him a muzzie to shut him up! He was a complete idiot, Jin decided as he flopped himself on the bed and looked at his new bought TV.
Even so, he couldn’t help but to feel a little happy. Kazuya had confessed that he hadn’t slept with Ryo and Jin could still remember the day he had seen those hickeys on the boy’s skin which had made him lose his breath and go mad out of anger. It had been a proof that Kazuya wasn’t lying, but it the end, Jin had been the one to be right and Kazuya wrong. Maybe it was the same with all the others. Maybe Kazuya really had thrown his ring only to make him go away, Jin thought as he gently opened the drawer and pulled out the two rings, watching them with sparkling eyes.
Maybe he shouldn’t lose hope yet.
He didn’t know how much he had stayed there until he heard his doorbell ringing. Frowning, he sat up and put the rings on the table and next to the box, going to answer. His frown widened when he looked at the interphone and spotted Kazuya. He didn’t say a word, but his heart had already started to beat faster as he let the younger in. In fear that something bad had happened. In excitement that maybe Kazuya had finally come to confess.
It was, after all, the first time Kazuya had come to Jin after their time apart, the singer thought as he opened the door to finally face the consequences of his actions.
Kazuya looked at Jin and without being invited in, he walked past him and went straight to his bedroom, letting the older one behind. He didn’t know exactly what he was going to do once he was there, but something had to be resolved. Ryo had told him to talk with Jin, to clarify things between them, but Kazuya didn’t know if he was capable of this. Talking with Jin... never solved anything. So he waited for the other to come to the bedroom and from there, God knew what will be next.
“Did something happen?” Jin asked immediately as he set foot in the room, waiting patiently and looking with worried eyes at Kazuya. Something seemed off with the boy but Jin still couldn’t say what exactly. “Is Ryo okay?” he then hurried to add, knowing that this might be one of the reasons Kazuya was there and… in his bedroom. Why his bedroom though?
Kazuya turned and his eyes swept over Jin’s figure. Even if Ryo’s name made his heart ache, the sight of the singer still made him feel different, yearning. He slowly made way to Jin, his eyes locking with his, never ending their contact. Kazuya stopped in front of him and there was something sparkling in his eyes. “We broke up.” He said with a low voice and before Jin had any time to answer, Kazuya suddenly kissed him, his body glued to his, his hands in his soft hair and his lips brushing roughly against Jin’s as he forced his tongue into Jin’s mouth. He stepped back, pulling the other one after him, both of them stumbling on the bed with Jin landing on top of Kazuya.
“We broke up.” He whispered again as he broke the kiss, biting hard on Jin’s lower lip. “You can have me.” He then added, slipping his legs around Jin’s waist and pulling him closer. “I can have you.” He murmured close to the other one’s ear as he pulled the older actor in another ravishing kiss.
Jin answered to the kiss, not knowing what to believe at first, but slowly letting himself be seduced by Kazuya’s tactics, his brain shutting down as their lips connected the second time. He didn’t care for anything more, just for Kazuya’s warm touch and the way their lips met into a hungry kiss, acting like they hadn’t kissed for a long time. In a way, it was true. In another way, it was just beginning.
“Kazuya…” Jin whispered his name as their lips parted and they gave themselves a moment to look at each other. He had earned for this so much and now that he had it, he didn’t know what to do. Somehow, it seemed wrong, but in the same time it felt so good, that Jin completely ignored his brain’s attempt to come back and kissed Kazuya again, moving above him to climb more into the bed, his hands itching to touch and to feel the skin that he had missed so much.
If Jin was feeling insecure, Kazuya wasn’t and neither were his touches as his hands slipped under Jin’s shirt, feeling the body he had dreamed of touching for so long. His nails dug into the skin as he moved under Jin, creating friction between their bodies, pushing his hips into Jin’s. “Touch me.” He demanded as they parted again, his breath rasp and quivering. “I need you, Jin. For too long.” He whispered as he grabbed Jin’s shirt and pulled it over his head, leaving him half naked above him.
“How eager you are.” Jin chuckled as he raised himself a little to adjust his position over Kazuya and slip between his open legs better. Nevertheless, he complied with the boy’s request and let his hands roam over Kazuya’s body, touching him and driving him mad with only half caresses over his clothes. His lips traveled from his mouth to his chin, biting on it before going even lower, pressing kisses all over his neck and only then letting his tongue lick the skin from under the shirt while his hands found its rim and slowly, but firmly started to advance on his naked skin. “God, how I missed touching you like this.” Jin confessed as he let their lips meet again, deepening the kiss and exploring more and more of Kazuya’s mouth and that sweet taste he had missed for three years now.
And yes, he had missed it too, fuck, he had been craving for Jin’s touches even when Ryo had been the one touching him. Kazuya arched under Jin’s hands, he clutched onto his shoulders, bringing him closer, wanting him more than closer. “J-Jin…” he moaned as their lips parted and he looked at the actor, his brown eyes clouded with lust, passion and love. “I missed you.” Kazuya whispered hoarsely and with a sudden move, he pinned Jin to the mattress, now him being the one on top. He leaned and traced a wet line with his tongue across Jin’s collarbones, feeling the man quivering under him. “You were the only one…” Kazuya said as his mouth traveled down on the older one’s chest, teasingly stopping on one of the nipples, sucking and licking the nub. His hands also moved on each side of Jin, reaching to his waistband, his fingers slipping in to touch more of the other one.
The older one tensed, for a brief second having again that feeling of something being wrong, but in the next second, Kazuya’s fingers touched him in that way he had dreamed for so long and his mind blanked, a load moan escaping his lips as he tried to resist the urge of coming just from that. He struggled to regain his breath, but found it impossible as Kazuya’s hand seemed to have gained a mind of its own over the years so he did the only thing he could think of, grabbing Kazuya by his collar and pulling him up and for a new kiss, as their hips grinded together, asking for more but still not really daring to get it.
Kazuya moaned into the kiss and his hands suddenly stopped from undressing Jin from his pants as his attention was now on the other ones’ ravishing mouth, on that slithery tongue that was dueling with his and on those lips that he was never tired of tasting. But as much he loved kissing Jin, he wanted him so much more. So he broke their kiss as he pulled back a bit and looked at the older one through half lidded eyes. “Are you going to let me do all the work?” He asked and his eyes slipped down their touching bodies to where his hands were now fumbling with Jin’s belt and zipper. “Touch me, Jin.” Kazuya’s eyes locked back with Jin’s and his voice was kind of pleading. He was yearning for such kind of closure between him and Jin - it had been too much time since they were like this.
A devious smirk appeared on Jin’s lips as he flipped them over, him returning to be again on top. “You don’t need to ask me twice.” He said as he let his body unite again with the younger, their tongues meeting again into a sinful dance as Jin’s hands started again their searching, now pulling on the boy’s shirt and parting from their kiss only enough to get him undressed. “I thought that I’ll never have you again like this.” He confessed before he crushed his mouth against Kazuya’s, his fingers playing with the belt on the younger’s jeans, unbuttoning them and pulling down the zipper, palming the bulge from his boxers and swallowing Kazuya’s moan into his mouth. “I love you.” He whispered as he pulled down on the boy’s pants, entwining one hand with Kazuya’s and guiding the other one to his own belt and slipping it inside his pants.
Kazuya closed his eyes at Jin’s confession, feeling his heart beat faster and he was sure it wasn’t because of how Jin touched him or how he felt his desire pulsing under his palm. The younger touched Jin through his boxers, feeling him tense under his shy yet daring touch. After all, Kazuya had never been with anyone else except Jin, he had only one night to know what being with a man meant. He moved under Jin, brushing against his hand, touching him more. “Jin… Jin…” he moaned the other’s name, showing him how he wanted more, how he desired more. “I want you, I need you…” Kazuya urged him, thrusting his hips, moaning his wishes.
“Your wish is my command.” Jin chuckled as his hand now pulled down on Kazuya’s boxers, bringing with them his own clothes and letting the both of them completely naked. “You have no idea how much I wanted you to be mine again.” He confessed as he leaned down to kiss Kazuya again, this time slower and gentler as his hand raised one of the boy’s leg as much as he could, letting his fingers tease his entrance, brushing them over it and not entering it. “I want to carve my name into your body.” He said as he finally let his index finger penetrate the boy after a pitiful whimper from Kazuya, his lips kissing and sucking on his neck to try and distract him from the pain.
Kazuya squirmed from the pain but he welcomed it nonetheless, because he knew that loving Jin meant also feeling pain. His nails dug into Jin’s hips, letting red marks on it as a throaty moan left his lips, feeling Jin pushing a bit deeper inside of him. “J-just do it then.” Kazuya uttered, arching his body and changing the angle of Jin’s long finger. “Cause I’ve been wanting you for far too long.” His voice got lost into a moan as their crotches touched, brushed against each other.
“That’s what I’m planning to do, babe.” Jin whispered with a low and husky tone, his teeth playing with Kazuya’s nipples as the second fingers entered him. “Relax.” He ordered, though his tone was rather comforting and soothing as his other hand continued to roam over Kazuya’s body, touching and caressing him in an attempt to make him forget about the pain and let him enjoy only the pleasure that came along with it. His long fingers traveled on the younger’s body, touching it ghostly and leaving short kisses behind as his hips continued to play on his skin, drawing circles and wetting it with his tongue.
Kazuya breath fastened and he closed his eyes for a few second, trying to breathe and to stop himself from moaning so loudly. He failed when Jin entered the third finger inside of him and squirmed under his embrace at the sudden wave of pleasure that hit him when the older one found his spot and pushed repeatedly his fingers against it. “You like that, don’t you?” Jin chuckled yet again as he climbed up the younger one’s body with his mouth, pecking his lips when a small whimper escaped Kazuya’s mouth at the loss of Jin in him. “Greedy.” The actor teased yet again but neither of them had the time to say or do anything else as Jin entered Kazuya.
The younger one flung his arms around Jin’s neck, hiding his face into the crook of it, as his soft cries and moans were muffled. It still hurt, but there was this feeling that made him feel good, that gave him pleasure, slowly making him forget the pain. He moved a little, telling Jin that it was alright, that he was okay and Jin took the cue and gently, slowly swayed his hips, thrusting deeper into Kazuya, the boy moaning lowly as his hands clutched tighter onto Jin, bringing him closer than ever and just before he met Jin’s lips, he whispered “I love you.” Because he did and will probably forever do.
Jin suddenly stopped and raised his head to look into Kazuya’s brown orbs, his eyes sparkling with something that he had missed having. “You have no idea how much I’ve waited for those words.” He confessed and leaned down, capturing the younger’s lips into another kiss, going slow and exploring Kazuya’s mouth with a patience that he only had in bed, while his body started to move again, the same way as his tongue, deepening the contact between them but not hurrying at all, wanting to engrave each second of this moment in his mind. “I love you, Kazuya.” He confessed, a groan escaping his lips which were still glued to the boy’s ones as he finally fastened his moves, trying to get them to release. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He continued to repeat until he lost his voice, sensing Kazuya tightening around his cock and bringing them both over the edge with a guttural moan.
In the heat of climax, soaring into a sea of pleasure, Kazuya’s heart also tightened, bleeding with pain and love mixed altogether. Being in Jin’s arms, feeling him inside of him, hearing him say words of love had been what he had been yearning for so long, even if at the end all turned into lies. He held onto Jin until the last wave of orgasm wore off, I love you ringing in his ears like forever. Kazuya hid his face in the crook of Jin’s neck again, inhaling deeply the scent the other wore. He’ll be forever haunted by Jin and his body, he already knew this. But… at least, he had accomplished what he had come for.
He winced a bit as Jin pulled away from inside of him, but he didn’t say anything. He felt like prolonging this moment, this closure of them that will finally have them apart. Because Kazuya had come to break up whatever they were clinging to. “Thanks.” He whispered gently, though it tore apart his heart.
This was the beginning of the end.
PART II
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story - Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P.
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eight song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun burns down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious one
Fifteenth song ~ Never again
Sixteenth song ~ Blue tuesday
Seventeenth song ~ Murasaki
Chapter eighteen
Eighteenth song ~ The Fifth Season
The winter creeping is mild and frosty
I can't even think of reason why aren't you around me
'Coz next to nowhere
A scratched-up from my memory and try to approach the next season…
<< Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. >>*
Maybe this wasn’t exactly the right thing to do, Jin thought as he entered the studio and looked around him at the people working there. It seemed that they were shooting a scene right then and Jin’s lips curled up automatically as his eyes fell on the young actor in the middle of the stage who sat there with a pained expression on his face and tried to act the scene as best as he could.
But then again, maybe he really shouldn’t be here. Jin fidgeted on the spot as he tried to make up his mind. He had spent his whole day like this and the past ones too, trying not to think at the last time he had seen Kazuya and what had happened between them. He still couldn’t believe that the boy had thrown away his ring and he still had no idea how to respond to such a thing. Maybe… just maybe. Maybe he was wrong and Kazuya really didn’t love him anymore. Maybe it had all been in his head and Kazuya had said the truth all along, but Jin had chosen to see things that weren’t true or real just because he couldn’t stand the idea of being hurt, of living without his lover.
But in the same time, he couldn’t accept such a thing. Kazuya had responded to each thing he had done and each time he had tried to push Jin away at the beginning only to fall into his own trap and let himself be seduced and convinced by the older one’s words of love. And every time things had gone a little too fast or Jin had pushed him too much, Kazuya would suddenly remember that he had to hate Jin and couldn’t be with him.
Which one was the truth? Jin didn’t know, but he was planning to find out. Their last meeting had left one more scar on his soul and he had needed to give up at his own ring too, because he hadn’t been able to stand looking at it again, knowing what had happened with its pair. Now they were both locked in a little box and put in the dresser near his bed, to be able to have them close if he couldn’t watch them anymore and let himself be soothed by them. And he didn’t want others scars because he wasn’t sure his heart could resist it after three years of being left alone.
This had to be the day everything will be cleared out, Jin decided. He really loved Kazuya, but too many things had happened between them. The boy seemed to be determined on chasing Jin out of his life and if this was best for Kazuya, then… then he’ll just have to comply with it and leave Kazuya to be happy with Ryo.
He sighed and took a seat somewhere in the back, some members of the staff greeting him. Jin thanked Ryo that he hadn’t been completely banned from his studio, though he had a vague idea that this will happen after today.
No, he shouldn’t think at such things. He shook his head and let his eyes land on the figure in the middle of the improvised room, the smile on Jin’s lips widening a little as he watched the boy. Kazuya looked pained at the auburn-haired woman in front of him. He looked like he had missed her, he had desired her and it was clearly shown on his face.
“Why?” his voice was rasp and throaty, but sort of wavering. The woman said nothing, so Kazuya continued. “Why did you leave? Why did you leave without a word, knowing how much I loved you?!” He looked once more pained and the woman bit her lower lip an in attempt to stop it from trembling.
“You didn’t love me.” She replied and her voice was doubtful and accusing. “You don’t even realize why I left, do you?” She then asked and it sounded purely mocking to Jin’s ears, reminding him of a certain someone.
“How can I know when you don’t even tell me?” Kazuya sighed and looked suddenly tired, like he couldn’t keep going on like this. “You know how long I searched for you? How long I tried to find you?!”
“Why should I know when you don’t even know the reason I left? I don’t even care if you searched for me! After all the lies…” She looked teary, but the gleam in her eyes was fierce.
“Lies?!” Kazuya asked incredulously. “I never lied to you!” He sounded pleading and opened his mouth to say something else but he was suddenly stopped, surprise written in his brown orbs as he looked at the interrupting him.
“CUT!” Jin’s voice was heard in the studio as he stood up from his chair and took a step forward. His heart started beating fasted when he realized what he had done, but he tried to control himself and not let anything show on his face. It had been too unbearable to listen to them and to see Kazuya’s eyes look so empty. He didn’t understand a thing of the pain of being left behind.
“Who do you think you are to barge in like this and stop the filming?!” Ryo also stood up and faced Jin, angry and annoyed that his stupid friend had appeared again from nowhere. He couldn’t believe that Jin had the nerve to show up here again after kissing his boyfriend and claiming that he’d do anything to steal him back. His heart was beating furiously in his chest as his eyes met Jin’s and confronted him.
“Come on, Ryo!” Jin rolled his eyes and crossed his arms as he approached the director with a curious expression, completely ignoring the reason why his friend was actually so annoyed. “You know as well as I do that this is not the acting you were expecting from your big star.” He pointed out and looked thoughtful as he cocked an imposing eyebrow.
Kazuya frowned upon hearing Jin’s words. His cheeks colored a bit though he never showed embarrassment but mere curiosity and disconcert. After all, he was good at concealing his true emotions and truth to be told, he was fuming on the inside. And now he was hoping that Ryo will throw Jin’s sad ass outside this studio.
But Ryo didn’t say anything and looked with a somehow concerned expression at his lover. Jin took this as a sign that he could continue. “Is this the best you can do?” he asked with a mocking voice, now looking at Kazuya. His smirk widened as he started to finally see some signs of feelings at the boy. “You said you’ll make the world forget about me, pretty boy,” he continued with a determined expression as he now approached the younger and stopped in front of him, remembering that Kazuya had said this with a joking tone while they were at the hut and deep hidden in the mountains, “but you aren’t succeeding anything but to look bad right now.” Jin said with what seemed to be a disgusted and disappointed voice.
Kazuya gritted his teeth and glared at Jin. How dared he say such things in public? How dared he humiliate him like this?! The young actor shoved all his feelings under a mask of calm.
“I’m sorry for offering you such a bad acting, though I don’t remember you to be a part of this film.” Kazuya bowed his head a little, allowing himself a fake polite smile. “But since you are far better experienced with such scenes, I appeal to your kindness and show this poor young actor how to play.” He continued and took a step back. “Yoroshiku, senpai.” He gave another bow and pointed his hand towards his co-star who looked thrilled and confused in the same time.
“Now those are the words I’ve been waiting for!” Jin grinned happily, now plain obvious that he had been planning for this since the beginning. “You,” he then added as he turned his gaze to a boy from the staff, “bring me a wig.” He ordered and prepared himself to go next to Kazuya when Ryo’s voice brought him back to reality.
“Jin, this is not your business.” He said with a grave voice and the actor gulped, knowing that Ryo was not in his best mood and that he should be more careful now. Still, he decided he couldn’t back away now. Not anymore.
“Sorry, but I just made it my business.” Jin replied with a firm voice, staring into his friend’s eyes who looked back at him, the words stuck in his throat. He had never seen Jin acting like this, fighting like this for someone else. Jin really did have feelings for Kazuya, didn’t he?
Kazuya smirked though it passed unnoticed as the older one wasn’t looking at him. “You heard the director, Akanishi-san.” He said on the humblest and politest tone ever.
Jin simply ignored him. “This is not the performance you want from your actors, Ryo.” He pointed out and took one step closer to him, the director flinching a little at his friend’s forwardness. “And you can’t deny it because I know you.” Jin smiled and took one more step.
Ryo looked uncertain at Jin for the first time, millions of thoughts crossing through his mind. It was true, Kazuya wasn’t giving the best he could, but he was the only one thinking like this because he was the only one to know that the boy could do much more than this. He knew that Kazuya had a real talent but everyone else seemed to be satisfied with him and didn’t notice a difference between his previous filming and this one. But Ryo knew. Ryo knew that it was because of the words Kazuya was forced to say that he couldn’t give everything.
His eyes traveled at Kazuya who was looking back at him, still waiting for him to ditch Jin off but now looking a little uncertain himself. Their eyes met and Ryo thought that he had seen a shadow of fear in Kazuya’s brown orbs, like he was trying to beg silently for Jin to not be allowed to participate. What had happened between them now? Ryo looked again at Jin and the same shadow appeared in his eyes too. What was it that he didn’t know?
“Let me help him.” Jin whispered with a pleading voice and Ryo found himself incapable to refuse.
“Okay.” The director said with a small voice, obviously still not convinced that he was doing the right thing as took back his seat, his eyes looking everywhere but at Kazuya. But what more could he do? He had tried to give his lover another chance, but everything seemed to fall apart every time Jin appeared.
He was just the third wheel between Kazuya and Jin.
Kazuya noticed the way Ryo avoided his look and he could only assume the worst. And he didn’t want to imagine what this approval of the director’s while combined with Jin’s idea would mean. But surely it wasn’t going to be something good for him, already suspecting that all this won’t end well and he will be the one to pay for everything. Jin was going to be his downfall one day and Kazuya really hoped it wasn’t going to be today.
So he assumed an impassible expression seeing that Ryo wasn’t going to do anything, just letting things go their flow, whatever that was since it was Jin that they were talking about. He really hoped that he wasn’t going to ruin his career too.
“Great!” Jin made a victory pose as he saw that Kazuya also was now convinced and turned to the younger, taking the wig on his way and putting it on Kazuya’s head with a large grin and innocent expression.
“What?!” Kazuya looked bewildered at Jin’s actions and he wasn’t the only one. “Kashino-san plays the girl!” He said through gritted teeth and pointed at the actress. If Jin thought this was funny, it clearly wasn’t the same for Kazuya.
“I know.” Jin replied with a shrug. “And exactly because of that you need to be in the front now.” He quickly explained as if it was something already obvious for everyone.
“You know you make no sense, right?” Kazuya said with a small voice, enough to be heard only by Jin and Kashino. “I will not submit to your selfish demands.” He then proceeded to take off his wig.
“Kazuya.” Ryo suddenly interfered, noticing what was the younger wanting to do and having a slight idea about what was going through his head. “Do what Jin says.” He ordered, understanding Jin’s intentions and honestly wanting to see how would this end. Of course, there wasn’t anyone better who could understand Kazuya’s role because this role was Jin’s life. He knew what feelings Kazuya should show because he had felt them himself. And even if it was a little unfair of him, the boy needed to face Jin once and for all and choose between them. Ryo too needed to see who was the one that Kazuya loved. Him… or Jin?
Jin blinked at Ryo, not really expecting him to agree so easily when it had to be clear for the director that he was trying to do, but it only took a second before he looked back to Kazuya, grinning even wider.
The younger tried not to gape and argue back to Ryo, though it was clear how displeased he was. “Fine.” He agreed and pushed the wig back on. Kazuya took his place, his jaw set and his expression sour. “Let’s do this.”
Jin didn’t waste any more time as he asked for a script and quickly browsed through it, reading the lines from the scene Kashino pointed to him. His eyes darkened a little at the words that were dancing in front of his eyes, but it passed as if it never existed.
“Let’s start.” He simply said as he looked at Kazuya and his expression totally changed from the cheerful face to a pained and distrustful one as Ryo gave the signal for them. “Why?” the older one whispered the word, narrowing his eyes a little and watching Kazuya intensively like he didn’t want to miss a thing. “Why did you leave? Why did you leave without a word knowing how much I loved you?!” he asked again and his voice seemed to break a little towards the end.
“You didn’t love me.” Kazuya replied and the words shot back, such a scene being like a double-edged sword. Then his lips curled up in a mocking but sad smile. “You don’t even realize why I left, do you?” The accusation was clear in his voice.
“How can I know when you don’t even tell me?” Jin asked back with a reproachful voice, raising his tone a little and looking at Kazuya with angry eyes. “You know how long I searched for you? How long I tried to find you?!” he wanted to know, now his voice sounding demanding and imperious as he took a step forward, his hands fisting and sweating under the pressure he was using on them.
“Why should I know when you don’t even know the reason I left? I don’t even care if you searched for me! After all the lies…” Kazuya looked sad and disappointed, but there was something in his expression so fierce and stubborn, that it wasn’t difficult to see how much he believed in the word he had just said. And Kazuya’s real feelings matched with the character’s.
“Lies?” Jin asked with a small voice, like he couldn’t believe the other one had really said that word. “I never lied to you.” He continued with the same tone but sounding a lot firmer and more confident, his eyes desperately searching Kazuya’s to show him how much he meant those words. “Why do you think I lied to you?!” he then demanded to know, sounding like he was on the verge of breaking if he won’t receive an answer soon. “You keep saying that I lied to you, but you never tell me what!!” he raised his voice and let his eyes become a little foggy.
Kazuya tried to mask his true reactions and to keep more to the character’s ones. And he knew perfectly well that he should act mocking and distrustful. It wasn’t that hard though, but he felt his true persona slip easily in the character’s shoes and he didn’t want this. “No? You didn’t lie to me at all, did you?” He started to walk and his voice was cruel, mocking. “You lied so much to me that you don’t even know which one truly made me go away!” He wheeled around and looked accusingly at Jin. “Look back and maybe you’ll realize your lie!” Kazuya chuckled evilly and he was sure that for a moment, he wasn’t thinking of his character’s pain but his own.
Jin looked with a resigned expression at Kazuya. “You’re right.” He said with a defeated voice, shrugging a little, but it was obvious how much it hurt him to act like this. “I lied to you all the time.” He confessed, his eyes finding Kazuya’s and staring right into them. “I lied when I told you that I love you.” He continued and his voice seemed rather calm right now, though the tears from his eyes hadn’t dried yet. “I lied when I said that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, when I said that you’re all that I ever wanted, that I couldn’t live without you!!” he managed to yell towards the end, his voice raising maybe more than it was necessary. “After all,” Jin said as he turned his back on Kazuya, wiping the tears with the back of his hand - maybe he had exaggerated a little when he had allowed himself to cry for the scene, but he had never thought that once he’d start, he won’t be able to stop himself - “that’s why I waited for you for three years, right?” he laughed bitterly and for a moment, he asked himself if the last part was in the script exactly like this or was a little different.
But as Kazuya saw the tears in Jin’s eyes, he had kind of totally forgotten the character’s role. He strolled to Jin and turned him around, looking furious and hurt in the same time. “See that it’s easy to admit once you realize them?” He said with a low and shaking voice. “And now you know why I had to leave.” He added and removed his hand from Jin’s shoulder. Somehow, he had found the way back to the character he was supposed to play. “You faked love and I found out in the end. A little too late, that’s right, but at least… I managed to go away before you tainted me more.” Kazuya reverted to the cold and mocking character, pulling away and realizing maybe for the first time, just how similar his role was to Jin and Kashino’s role to his. It was fate playing a prank on them, really.
Or maybe Ryo.
“I tainted you?” Jin asked with an incredulous voice. “Ka - “ he started to say, but stopped himself in time and took a deep breath to control himself and think at his character again. “Ami, you don’t know how to love or how to trust someone.” He sighed tiredly and shook his head, a small and mocking smile on his lips. “You’re just selfish and too afraid to get hurt even more. You know that the truth may be different from what you know, so you refuse to tell me your reason.” He accused, his eyes now trained on Kazuya’s figure. He didn’t really think that Kazuya didn’t know how to love, but he knew that the boy would consider this to be directed at himself and Jin had no intention to deny it for the moment.
Kazuya bristled at such words. Of course, he shouldn’t take them seriously, it was just acting, but right now… he felt that he was being accused. “Oh, really?” He laughed as his eyes narrowed dangerously. “And you sure know what love means and how to love a person, right?” He continued, mocking and chuckling from time to time. “And how exactly do you do that? By sleeping with that person and then going and babbling about it to your friends?” He added and started to move, not being able to stay put. “Oh, wait. I have better.” Kazuya turned to Jin and smiled so sweetly that it made you sick. “You go and praise yourself in front of your friends, not forgetting to add that that person doesn’t mean a thing to you except a bed warmer. Oh, I love the way you love.” He laughed sarcastically, trapped in his feelings and not realizing that he had just slipped away from his character’s lines and had reduced the whole studio to silence as everyone was looking at what the hell was Kazuya talking about.
“When the hell did I ever brag about sleeping with you?!” it was Jin’s turn to yell, not knowing from where had those accusation come from. What the hell was Kazuya talking about? He had never talked with any of his friends about his relationship with the boy. In fact, he was pretty sure that not even Pi knew about how far had their relation evolved before being separated. “You were the one to leave without a word and then go to my friend to fuck him too!!” he continued to accuse the boy, also caught in his fight with Kazuya and not being able to realize that they weren’t alone and that the whole staff was watching them.
Ryo stiffened on his chair and opened his mouth to stop them, to say something, anything!! But he found himself unable to when he looked at the two actors. Both of them were suffering and he now realized that it was all a big misunderstanding. They were both idiots, in love with each other but continuously blaming the other for the fall of their relation.
He couldn’t stand this anymore.
Kazuya had winced at Jin’s accusing tone and words. Okay, one thing first - “I have never slept with any of your friends!” He roared and his face was covered in a deep shade of red, somewhere in the corner of his mind realizing that Ryo might be listening to this. Well it was kind of impossible not to hear as Kazuya was practically yelling, no? “Unlike you, I don’t jump from bed to bed, no matter how much you would have deserved this.” He continued with derisive tone, waving a dismissive hand. “And oh, yes, you bragged! I heard you myself!” Kazuya added with a disgusted voice and a defiant expression on his face, one that said - dare to tell me I heard wrong.
“What do you mean you haven’t slept with anyone?” Jin asked, suddenly lowering his voice and looking rather shocked at Kazuya, this being the only thing that had registered in his mind. “But what about…” he wanted to say, his hand already pointing to Ryo when the director’s voice cut through their little world and dissipated it into thin air.
“ENOUGH!!” Ryo roared as he stood up and looked furiously at the two of them. “Jin, you have ten seconds to get out of my studio and I mean it!!” he continued to yell and the actor recognized Ryo’s tone as being the one which said to not mess up with Ryo right now. He gulped and looked apologetic at his friend as if trying to say how sorry he was, bowing deeply and then exiting the studio. He had done enough damage and the bad part was that Ryo had been the one affected the most by their fight.
Meanwhile, Kazuya came back to his surroundings and just realized what had really happened and what kind of a scene they had done. He was white as a sheet as his eyes never left Ryo, knowing that right now he had hurt him the most. He wanted to say something and just as he made a move towards the director, his clear voice stopped him. Shivers ran down his spine.
“And you,” the director continued, now looking at Kazuya with the same anger in his voice and eyes, “I don’t want to see you for the rest of the day.” Ryo ordered, turning his back on the whole crew and leaving the studio.
Enough was enough.
Kazuya stood there frozen, looking at the back of the most innocent person in all this. He couldn’t let him leave without a proper explanation, could he? But what could he say? Sorry wasn’t enough, begging would only make Ryo drift away and in the end… he was guilty. He had no reason to ask for forgiveness or to beg to not leave him or anything… Because he was sure that right now, his words had destroyed every bit of love and trust Ryo had towards him. And all because he had been selfish and couldn’t have let go of Jin.
The sudden whispering around him woke him and without anymore lingering, Kazuya threw the wig and dashed after Ryo. He really couldn’t let him go like this!!
So he hurried along the corridors of the studio, looked inside Ryo’s dressing room, but he was nowhere to be found. Luckily he almost tripped over a member staff and when he asked about the director, he mentioned seeing him leaving outside for a smoke. Kazuya had frowned on this bit of information as Ryo had never smoked before, but without dwelling anymore on this, he quickly exited the studio and headed for the corner where smoking was allowed.
That staff had been indeed right. Ryo was there and smoking. The sight kind of worried Kazuya as he had never seen such a hurt expression on the director. He approached Ryo slowly and quite afraid. He wasn’t sure how the other will react to his presence, but he didn’t want to take this risk and be chased away. He didn’t want to see Ryo suffering either.
“I said I don’t want to see you for the rest of the day.” The director reminded Kazuya without even looking at the boy to know who it was, though his tone wasn’t harsh or angry anymore, just seemed tired.
Kazuya’s heart clenched, but he couldn’t just turn around and go, could he? So instead he drew closer to Ryo until he was standing in front of him. “I didn’t know you smoke.” Came the best thing he could come up with. Really, why did he have to involve Ryo in all this shit? Why didn’t he refuse the director when he had confessed to him? Because he was a jerk and he couldn’t forget and he wanted Ryo to help him - that’s why.
“I took this habit from Jin.” The director shrugged and took one more long drag from the cigarette. He didn’t want to also confess that he had started smoking with Jin and had continued as long as his friend had remained in Japan. After that, smoking just didn’t seem fun anymore if he couldn’t do it with his best friend so Ryo had quit, but now… he felt the need of it. He felt like he was suffocating and the only thing that he could think of to help him had been this.
Somehow, it tasted awful after all those years.
Kazuya bit on his lower lip. “Ryo…” he started but words failed him next as he only stared at his lover. A brief pause settled between them and Kazuya tried to gather the last bit of courage to ask. “What will happen with u-us?” He stuttered towards the end and his voice seemed a bit fearful.
“What do you think?” Ryo asked back, finally raising his gaze from the stairs on which he had seated himself to smoke and looking into Kazuya’s eyes. “What do you think should happen with us?” he simply asked, like the matter didn’t concern any of them, but some random strangers.
Kazuya bit more on his lip as he didn’t really know what to answer. “We can… continue?” he wanted to state but it came more as a question.
“Continue what?” Ryo asked, cocking his eyebrow and looking curiously at Kazuya. “We never started anything to have what to continue.” He then shrugged and stood up, whisking the dirt from his pants. “You were never mine to claim you.” He confessed, his eyes boring into Kazuya’s brown orbs and yet again feeling like he was losing himself in that clear color.
Kazuya paled as he felt the distress behind Ryo’s voice. And how could he convince him that it wasn’t like that when the truth was that it really was? “You can’t say we don’t have something together…” He said with a small voice in which broken hope was clear as crystal water. “And I… claim you.” Kazuya added and his heart beat faster at his own words. In a way, he really wanted Ryo and he never wanted to part with him.
“I know.” Ryo answered and to Kazuya’s surprise, a small and sincere smile curled up his lips. “But I’m not the one you want.” He continued and raised his hand to gently caress the boy’s cheek. “I’m not the one you love and even if you need me right now, I’m not the one who should be with you.” He said, his fingers playing with Kazuya’s hair as Ryo’s heart started to beat a lot faster. He had to do this. It was the only way to stop feeling so helpless and miserable.
Kazuya frowned and although he would have liked to lean into that soft touch, he didn’t. He kept looking at Ryo, trying to understand his words, trying to accept them. “You’re casting me aside?” he asked with a broken voice and he couldn’t control his feelings that were now clearly expressed on his face. He was hurt, he was guilty, he was lost and confused.
“I’m setting you free to be with the one you truly love.” Ryo clarified with the same gentle tone though he slightly suspected that Kazuya might not agree with his decision and reason.
“You’re setting me free?” Kazuya asked with an incredulous voice. “Have I ever been caged so that you could say such things? Did I ever show that I wanted to be set free?” He continued and there was pain in his voice and eyes. If Ryo left him… he wouldn’t know where to go.
“Kazuya…” Ryo sighed and retreated a little to sit back on the stairs, grabbing the boy’s hand and pulling him down, next to him. “You don’t love me.” He said directly, not wanting to hide anymore his true thoughts. “You love Jin, right?” he then asked, showing that he wasn’t going to get mad and just forgetting to push back his hand from over Kazuya’s.
The younger looked at Ryo, surprise written in his eyes, but the truth was there too. It had always been, but he had refused to acknowledge it. He looked then at their linked fingers and Kazuya felt his eyes burn with tears. He couldn’t lie to Ryo, not anymore, not like this. “Yes.” He said with a low voice, not truly wanting Ryo to hear his answer.
“Then you need to talk with him.” Ryo decided, giving a pat to Kazuya’s hand and standing up, straightening his body and forcing himself to smile yet again. He was sending the one he loved in the arms of another one. He was giving up at the one person who had managed to change him and make him believe that maybe love could exist for him the second time.
He had loved before, he had let himself fall in love with someone that reminded him so much of Kazuya… Or maybe Kazuya reminded him of her, Ryo wasn’t sure at that point anymore. Things seemed to be mixing themselves in his head and he couldn’t keep a clear mind to be able to reason things properly. He couldn’t think of anything else but the thing that he had lost his love again and now… now it seemed crueler as it was in favor of his own best friend, not death.
He had to keep himself from breaking.
“You’re both idiots and you need to clear things out because I’m sure that he loves you as much as you love him too.” Ryo advised Kazuya, stopping himself from saying anymore. It wasn’t his place to do it.
Kazuya looked up at Ryo and there was a lost expression on his face. “I have nothing to talk with him and you know that. And the fact that I still have feelings for him… doesn’t make me any eager to leave you and get back with him.” He continued and rose up, his hand catching Ryo’s again. “I promised you… I’ll never leave you, I care about you.” Kazuya had a pleading tone and his hand tightened its hold. “You’re important to me, Ryo. I don’t want to lose you.”
“And you won’t lose me.” Ryo assured him, the words making his heart clench and bleed in pain as he once again forced himself to smile encouragingly at the boy. “I’ll still be here to help you because you’re important to me too.” He confessed and his eyes met Kazuya’s for a brief second. “Just not as your lover.” He added with a somehow bitter tone.
Kazuya blinked a few times to chase away his tears. “We can leave from here.” He said all of a sudden. “If we leave, Jin won’t bother us and… we can still be together.” He continued and looked at Ryo desperate. Ryo truly loved him, Jin… had fooled around. He wanted Ryo, not Jin.
“We have been together for three years, though not as lovers the whole time.” The director pointed out and sighed tiredly. Kazuya just didn’t get it. “Tell me, had this managed to make you forget him? No, it hadn’t.” Ryo answered, not waiting for the younger’s reply. “You just needed to see him for a second and all of those feelings which you considered to be forgotten had come back immediately.” He guessed and looked at Kazuya to see if he was right, though not really doubting it either, but being more curious to see if the boy was already aware of this or if he needed more convincing.
Kazuya stared back, not being able to deny the truth in Ryo’s words. Maybe the feelings hadn’t come back to him that quickly, but they surely did after he had spent some time in Jin’s company. “Ryo… even if you abandon me, I won’t turn back to him.” He replied and let go of the director’s hand, his head now hung low. “And I realize that I’m being selfish by asking you to still stick with me after I hurt you. I’m… sorry.” The words he was now saying were hurting him and he really didn’t want to say them. “You… don’t want to be with me anymore?” He then asked as he looked back at Ryo. He was a selfish bastard, but he had found something good and Kazuya wasn't really keen on letting it go away.
“I want you to be happy.” Ryo replied with a sincere tone. “And you won’t find that happiness with me, that’s why it’s better for us to go our separate ways. And I’m not saying that you should go back to Jin just because we have broken up.” He then laughed a little, like the idea was silly and impossible. “But you’d really make me happy if you talked to him.” Ryo added and a small smile curled up his lips.
Kazuya sighed, realizing that even if Ryo’s voice was gentle and sincere, the director won’t change his mind about them. He made a step closer and hugged Ryo. “Thank you for everything.” He whispered to his ear and he couldn’t suppress the sob that left his lips. “I want you to be happy too and it seemed I failed to do it so badly.” He added and took in Ryo’s scent. He will be this close to the director for the last time.
“Don’t be sad, Kazuya.” Ryo hugged him back and closed his eyes as he once again felt like breaking after finally managing to put it together. “You made me happier than anyone did and you’ll make me even happier if you’ll continue to smile and laugh like I know you.” He said and detached himself a little from his now ex-lover to look him in the eyes. “Be happy, Kazuya.” He added with a tender smile as he placed a small kiss on the boy forehead and then took a step back, letting him go. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Ryo continued and waved at the younger, not wanting to prolong this and not bearing to either.
Kazuya looked after Ryo going away from him, holding back the tears, holding back his feelings, not wanting to burden Ryo anymore than he had done. He silently let himself slid against the wall, crouching down on the ground and letting another chapter from his life to close because of Jin. He had lost the very best he could have and all that he was left with was this love for Jin and a huge amount of feelings he didn’t want to have. In his way, he had loved Ryo, but this hadn’t been enough to hold their relationship. And now… they weren’t together anymore.
Kazuya stood crouched against the wall for an hour, grieving after what could have been and now will never be.
*
He had really messed it up this time. He had made a fool out of himself and now all the papers will roar with the news that Jin Akanishi had let himself fall in love with a man and had been abandoned by the said man. Kazuya won’t have any more chances at receiving parts in movies and Ryo…
Oh, God, Ryo.
How could he do this? Ryo was his best friend and Jin had just destroyed his whole career that he had worked so hard to achieve. Kazuya was just at the beginning and, in a way, even bad publicity was still publicity. Jin was going to go back to America soon and he won’t have that many problems there with being gay and in love with a man, people will still buy his music and like his movies. But Ryo…
He was a jerk. Definitely. Now they could all announce to the world how much of a jerk was Jin Akanishi!
He couldn’t stand still, so he kept circling the bed, ruffling his hair and desperately trying to find a solution to the problems he had caused. It had been all his fault. If he hadn’t appeared there at the studio… if he hadn’t provoked Kazuya to say such things… if he hadn’t responded and practically yelled that Kazuya had slept with Ryo and Jin… He was such an idiot!! Maybe Ryo was right and they should buy him a muzzie to shut him up! He was a complete idiot, Jin decided as he flopped himself on the bed and looked at his new bought TV.
Even so, he couldn’t help but to feel a little happy. Kazuya had confessed that he hadn’t slept with Ryo and Jin could still remember the day he had seen those hickeys on the boy’s skin which had made him lose his breath and go mad out of anger. It had been a proof that Kazuya wasn’t lying, but it the end, Jin had been the one to be right and Kazuya wrong. Maybe it was the same with all the others. Maybe Kazuya really had thrown his ring only to make him go away, Jin thought as he gently opened the drawer and pulled out the two rings, watching them with sparkling eyes.
Maybe he shouldn’t lose hope yet.
He didn’t know how much he had stayed there until he heard his doorbell ringing. Frowning, he sat up and put the rings on the table and next to the box, going to answer. His frown widened when he looked at the interphone and spotted Kazuya. He didn’t say a word, but his heart had already started to beat faster as he let the younger in. In fear that something bad had happened. In excitement that maybe Kazuya had finally come to confess.
It was, after all, the first time Kazuya had come to Jin after their time apart, the singer thought as he opened the door to finally face the consequences of his actions.
Kazuya looked at Jin and without being invited in, he walked past him and went straight to his bedroom, letting the older one behind. He didn’t know exactly what he was going to do once he was there, but something had to be resolved. Ryo had told him to talk with Jin, to clarify things between them, but Kazuya didn’t know if he was capable of this. Talking with Jin... never solved anything. So he waited for the other to come to the bedroom and from there, God knew what will be next.
“Did something happen?” Jin asked immediately as he set foot in the room, waiting patiently and looking with worried eyes at Kazuya. Something seemed off with the boy but Jin still couldn’t say what exactly. “Is Ryo okay?” he then hurried to add, knowing that this might be one of the reasons Kazuya was there and… in his bedroom. Why his bedroom though?
Kazuya turned and his eyes swept over Jin’s figure. Even if Ryo’s name made his heart ache, the sight of the singer still made him feel different, yearning. He slowly made way to Jin, his eyes locking with his, never ending their contact. Kazuya stopped in front of him and there was something sparkling in his eyes. “We broke up.” He said with a low voice and before Jin had any time to answer, Kazuya suddenly kissed him, his body glued to his, his hands in his soft hair and his lips brushing roughly against Jin’s as he forced his tongue into Jin’s mouth. He stepped back, pulling the other one after him, both of them stumbling on the bed with Jin landing on top of Kazuya.
“We broke up.” He whispered again as he broke the kiss, biting hard on Jin’s lower lip. “You can have me.” He then added, slipping his legs around Jin’s waist and pulling him closer. “I can have you.” He murmured close to the other one’s ear as he pulled the older actor in another ravishing kiss.
Jin answered to the kiss, not knowing what to believe at first, but slowly letting himself be seduced by Kazuya’s tactics, his brain shutting down as their lips connected the second time. He didn’t care for anything more, just for Kazuya’s warm touch and the way their lips met into a hungry kiss, acting like they hadn’t kissed for a long time. In a way, it was true. In another way, it was just beginning.
“Kazuya…” Jin whispered his name as their lips parted and they gave themselves a moment to look at each other. He had earned for this so much and now that he had it, he didn’t know what to do. Somehow, it seemed wrong, but in the same time it felt so good, that Jin completely ignored his brain’s attempt to come back and kissed Kazuya again, moving above him to climb more into the bed, his hands itching to touch and to feel the skin that he had missed so much.
If Jin was feeling insecure, Kazuya wasn’t and neither were his touches as his hands slipped under Jin’s shirt, feeling the body he had dreamed of touching for so long. His nails dug into the skin as he moved under Jin, creating friction between their bodies, pushing his hips into Jin’s. “Touch me.” He demanded as they parted again, his breath rasp and quivering. “I need you, Jin. For too long.” He whispered as he grabbed Jin’s shirt and pulled it over his head, leaving him half naked above him.
“How eager you are.” Jin chuckled as he raised himself a little to adjust his position over Kazuya and slip between his open legs better. Nevertheless, he complied with the boy’s request and let his hands roam over Kazuya’s body, touching him and driving him mad with only half caresses over his clothes. His lips traveled from his mouth to his chin, biting on it before going even lower, pressing kisses all over his neck and only then letting his tongue lick the skin from under the shirt while his hands found its rim and slowly, but firmly started to advance on his naked skin. “God, how I missed touching you like this.” Jin confessed as he let their lips meet again, deepening the kiss and exploring more and more of Kazuya’s mouth and that sweet taste he had missed for three years now.
And yes, he had missed it too, fuck, he had been craving for Jin’s touches even when Ryo had been the one touching him. Kazuya arched under Jin’s hands, he clutched onto his shoulders, bringing him closer, wanting him more than closer. “J-Jin…” he moaned as their lips parted and he looked at the actor, his brown eyes clouded with lust, passion and love. “I missed you.” Kazuya whispered hoarsely and with a sudden move, he pinned Jin to the mattress, now him being the one on top. He leaned and traced a wet line with his tongue across Jin’s collarbones, feeling the man quivering under him. “You were the only one…” Kazuya said as his mouth traveled down on the older one’s chest, teasingly stopping on one of the nipples, sucking and licking the nub. His hands also moved on each side of Jin, reaching to his waistband, his fingers slipping in to touch more of the other one.
The older one tensed, for a brief second having again that feeling of something being wrong, but in the next second, Kazuya’s fingers touched him in that way he had dreamed for so long and his mind blanked, a load moan escaping his lips as he tried to resist the urge of coming just from that. He struggled to regain his breath, but found it impossible as Kazuya’s hand seemed to have gained a mind of its own over the years so he did the only thing he could think of, grabbing Kazuya by his collar and pulling him up and for a new kiss, as their hips grinded together, asking for more but still not really daring to get it.
Kazuya moaned into the kiss and his hands suddenly stopped from undressing Jin from his pants as his attention was now on the other ones’ ravishing mouth, on that slithery tongue that was dueling with his and on those lips that he was never tired of tasting. But as much he loved kissing Jin, he wanted him so much more. So he broke their kiss as he pulled back a bit and looked at the older one through half lidded eyes. “Are you going to let me do all the work?” He asked and his eyes slipped down their touching bodies to where his hands were now fumbling with Jin’s belt and zipper. “Touch me, Jin.” Kazuya’s eyes locked back with Jin’s and his voice was kind of pleading. He was yearning for such kind of closure between him and Jin - it had been too much time since they were like this.
A devious smirk appeared on Jin’s lips as he flipped them over, him returning to be again on top. “You don’t need to ask me twice.” He said as he let his body unite again with the younger, their tongues meeting again into a sinful dance as Jin’s hands started again their searching, now pulling on the boy’s shirt and parting from their kiss only enough to get him undressed. “I thought that I’ll never have you again like this.” He confessed before he crushed his mouth against Kazuya’s, his fingers playing with the belt on the younger’s jeans, unbuttoning them and pulling down the zipper, palming the bulge from his boxers and swallowing Kazuya’s moan into his mouth. “I love you.” He whispered as he pulled down on the boy’s pants, entwining one hand with Kazuya’s and guiding the other one to his own belt and slipping it inside his pants.
Kazuya closed his eyes at Jin’s confession, feeling his heart beat faster and he was sure it wasn’t because of how Jin touched him or how he felt his desire pulsing under his palm. The younger touched Jin through his boxers, feeling him tense under his shy yet daring touch. After all, Kazuya had never been with anyone else except Jin, he had only one night to know what being with a man meant. He moved under Jin, brushing against his hand, touching him more. “Jin… Jin…” he moaned the other’s name, showing him how he wanted more, how he desired more. “I want you, I need you…” Kazuya urged him, thrusting his hips, moaning his wishes.
“Your wish is my command.” Jin chuckled as his hand now pulled down on Kazuya’s boxers, bringing with them his own clothes and letting the both of them completely naked. “You have no idea how much I wanted you to be mine again.” He confessed as he leaned down to kiss Kazuya again, this time slower and gentler as his hand raised one of the boy’s leg as much as he could, letting his fingers tease his entrance, brushing them over it and not entering it. “I want to carve my name into your body.” He said as he finally let his index finger penetrate the boy after a pitiful whimper from Kazuya, his lips kissing and sucking on his neck to try and distract him from the pain.
Kazuya squirmed from the pain but he welcomed it nonetheless, because he knew that loving Jin meant also feeling pain. His nails dug into Jin’s hips, letting red marks on it as a throaty moan left his lips, feeling Jin pushing a bit deeper inside of him. “J-just do it then.” Kazuya uttered, arching his body and changing the angle of Jin’s long finger. “Cause I’ve been wanting you for far too long.” His voice got lost into a moan as their crotches touched, brushed against each other.
“That’s what I’m planning to do, babe.” Jin whispered with a low and husky tone, his teeth playing with Kazuya’s nipples as the second fingers entered him. “Relax.” He ordered, though his tone was rather comforting and soothing as his other hand continued to roam over Kazuya’s body, touching and caressing him in an attempt to make him forget about the pain and let him enjoy only the pleasure that came along with it. His long fingers traveled on the younger’s body, touching it ghostly and leaving short kisses behind as his hips continued to play on his skin, drawing circles and wetting it with his tongue.
Kazuya breath fastened and he closed his eyes for a few second, trying to breathe and to stop himself from moaning so loudly. He failed when Jin entered the third finger inside of him and squirmed under his embrace at the sudden wave of pleasure that hit him when the older one found his spot and pushed repeatedly his fingers against it. “You like that, don’t you?” Jin chuckled yet again as he climbed up the younger one’s body with his mouth, pecking his lips when a small whimper escaped Kazuya’s mouth at the loss of Jin in him. “Greedy.” The actor teased yet again but neither of them had the time to say or do anything else as Jin entered Kazuya.
The younger one flung his arms around Jin’s neck, hiding his face into the crook of it, as his soft cries and moans were muffled. It still hurt, but there was this feeling that made him feel good, that gave him pleasure, slowly making him forget the pain. He moved a little, telling Jin that it was alright, that he was okay and Jin took the cue and gently, slowly swayed his hips, thrusting deeper into Kazuya, the boy moaning lowly as his hands clutched tighter onto Jin, bringing him closer than ever and just before he met Jin’s lips, he whispered “I love you.” Because he did and will probably forever do.
Jin suddenly stopped and raised his head to look into Kazuya’s brown orbs, his eyes sparkling with something that he had missed having. “You have no idea how much I’ve waited for those words.” He confessed and leaned down, capturing the younger’s lips into another kiss, going slow and exploring Kazuya’s mouth with a patience that he only had in bed, while his body started to move again, the same way as his tongue, deepening the contact between them but not hurrying at all, wanting to engrave each second of this moment in his mind. “I love you, Kazuya.” He confessed, a groan escaping his lips which were still glued to the boy’s ones as he finally fastened his moves, trying to get them to release. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He continued to repeat until he lost his voice, sensing Kazuya tightening around his cock and bringing them both over the edge with a guttural moan.
In the heat of climax, soaring into a sea of pleasure, Kazuya’s heart also tightened, bleeding with pain and love mixed altogether. Being in Jin’s arms, feeling him inside of him, hearing him say words of love had been what he had been yearning for so long, even if at the end all turned into lies. He held onto Jin until the last wave of orgasm wore off, I love you ringing in his ears like forever. Kazuya hid his face in the crook of Jin’s neck again, inhaling deeply the scent the other wore. He’ll be forever haunted by Jin and his body, he already knew this. But… at least, he had accomplished what he had come for.
He winced a bit as Jin pulled away from inside of him, but he didn’t say anything. He felt like prolonging this moment, this closure of them that will finally have them apart. Because Kazuya had come to break up whatever they were clinging to. “Thanks.” He whispered gently, though it tore apart his heart.
This was the beginning of the end.
PART II