ASGC 'Verse Sequel: Reflections
A/N:
This is a follow-up to yesterday's posted story Courage. All warnings from Courage apply here as well. Please be aware and read at your own risk.
For your convenience, here are the links to all installments, listed in chronological order of events:
REFLECTIONS
***a sequel to the ASGC Story Courage***
Emma had been the first to call him after his desperate and hasty escape out of the country, though, not knowing that he was on a Transatlantic flight, she only got his voice mail and left a message.
“You're a shit brother, you know that?” Her voice rang tinny from the recording, but the accusation was still plain. “What happened that you had to run away like that? And without even saying goodbye? What the fuck, Gus? You just came back from college not even a year ago. I was still getting used to having you back. And now you're gone again? For how long? Daddy says he doesn't know; Dad says nothing at all. Did you fight? Ugh, I don't even care. But you could have stopped by for a hug. Okay. I'm done. Call me. I still love you, even though you're an idiot. Okay, bye. Oh, and Gus? You're not a shitty brother. Not really. Sorry I said that. And could you not mention to Dad that I said you were? And not mention that I called you idiot and used 'fuck' either? Thanks, 'ppreciate it. Love ya. Call me.”
Gus had to grin through the entire message. That was Emma down to a T.
His father sent an email. He didn't express his curiosity at the abrupt leaving, having been the only one Gus had actually talked to before packing his bags.
Gus,
I had to call in a favor with one of my international clients and he managed to get you an interview. It's Wednesday at 9 am. This is your only chance to make an impression and get into the program; if you still want that. Don't fuck it up!
Don't forget to call home every once in a while.
-Dad
After those two messages, he didn't hear from his immediate family for a while. Gus wasn't counting weekly calls to his father where he received a general update on things, but refused to talk to anyone, citing various more or less believable reasons and struggled with every passing week to come up with new ones. He and Emma text messaged almost every other day, but never about anything of importance.
Justin and Alex had never tried to contact him, but to be fair - neither had Gus. He did receive a large package for his birthday which included a card that all four of them had signed. But there were no personal messages attached to it.
Weeks went by before, out of the blue, one Sunday morning Gus woke up to an Email from Alex.
I'm sorry I made you leave your home. I didn't mean to. But I'm not sorry about what I said. And I'm not taking it back.
Unless you want me to?
Gus could practically see her biting her lip uncertainly as she wrote that last sentence.
He went for a jog, concentrating on nothing but the crunching leaves under his feet. It helped clear his mind. When he returned, he took a long shower and thought hard about what he was going to write back.
In the end he ended up writing about everything - the classes, his fellow grad students, the professors, the work load, the food, the weather, the broken heating in his unit, the windows that wouldn't close properly, the fact that once the winter season kicked in he fully expected to wake up only to notice he'd been frozen solid while he was sleeping. He talked about every minutiae of his life, writing pages of boring and insignificant stuff that he knew Alex would love to read. It made him realize how much he missed their talks. They used to talk for hours - about everything. And writing it down, re-establishing this sort of communication felt as soothing as cooling lotion on sunburned skin.
She was still his sister and one of his best friends. Gus decided he would concentrate on that and leave all other feelings - attention demanding though they might be - out the door. At least for the time being. Until he was ready to face them.
He added one last line to his email.
I don't want you to take it back. But I don't want to talk about it either. Not now at least. He thought for a moment and then added, “Please?”
Her reply came shortly after and Gus hoped that she hadn't been sitting in front of her computer the whole day, waiting to see if he'd answer. Her email was simple.
OK. I agree to your conditions. For now.
Justin was the last to re-open communication. Justin was also the one whose reaction Gus was most afraid of. Justin had always been able to see more than all the people around him. And Gus didn't doubt for a second that he had his suspicions about Gus's true reasons for running away. It started as a simple call to his dad. After some 10 or 15 minutes of updates, Brian closed with, “Justin wants to talk to you. I'm gonna pass you over to him.”
And so with no warning at all, Gus waited with bated breath for Justin to pick up the receiver while his heart rate was picking up with every passing second of silence.
“Hey Gus,” Justin's voice came on the line. He sounded warm and affectionate, just as Gus remembered him always being.
“Hey Justin,” Gus barely breathed. He didn't know why, but tears welled up in his eyes and he blinked rapidly in an effort not to let them fall. He hadn't been aware of how much he'd missed Justin too.
There was a moment's silence where neither of them said anything. Then Gus heard Justin take a deep breath.
“You know I love you, right?” Justin asked.
Gus shrugged with one shoulder even though he knew Justin couldn't see him. “I guess,” he replied carefully.
“No,” Justin replied and added with emphasis, “I love you! I do love you. Tell me you know that.”
Of course Gus knew. He'd just gotten so caught up in the confusion of his new-found but barely acknowledged feelings and the fact that he couldn't talk about it. With anyone. Least of all the person he usually talked everything through with. “Yes. I know. Justin, I know. I love you too.”
“Well, that's good. We're agreed then that lack of love is not the problem here.”
“No, it's not,” Gus confirmed.
“Okay then. That being out of the way, I gotta say-” And Gus could hear footsteps as though Justin was walking towards a room where he would have privacy. But all that came out was a sigh and, “...Gus.” Just his name. But there was so much emotion in it. Despair and disappointment but love and affection too.
“I know,” Gus wailed. “I know, Justin. I know. It's... I tried. And I'm sorry. So sorry.”
“What exactly are you sorry for?” Justin asked, voice sounding careful and controlled.
“I tried to be her brother. Just her brother. But I love her. And not like a brother should. Not only like a brother should. I know it's bad. And wrong. And... and... sick,” he said, even though he didn’t believe it, not really. “And I'll try. I'll continue trying. I swear I will. That's why I left!”
“You didn't have to leave, Gus.”
“But I did. I had to. This is the only way I can make sure that nothing ever happens.”
“You mean, nothing... happened between you two?” Justin asked.
“No.”
“Then why did you leave?” Justin asked perplexed. “I thought... When I saw you at the pool... You were looking at each other... And I thought... I assumed...” Justin stammered.
Realization dawned on Gus. “Oh, shit. No. Nuh-uh.” Gus was shaking his head violently. “Justin. I'm not deranged. I'd never touch her. Oh my god. I may have feelings I shouldn't have, but I am still me and I know what's right and wrong. And I would never. Even if she wasn't my sister, she's still a minor and Justin, I'd never...”
“I believe you. But if you two never...” Gus heard him take another calming breath and continue, “Why didn't you come and talk to me?”
“And said what? 'Oh, hey, Justin. By the way, I love your daughter and guess what, she says she loves me too. Yes, the very same that is also my sister. My 15 year old kid sister. Pass the salt, please?' Something like that?”
There was a long pause until Justin spoke again. “She said that?”
Gus sighed. “Not with those exact words. But it was strongly implied.” When Justin didn't say anything, Gus added, “Please don't tell Dad.”
“Oh, Gus. You're putting me in a real bad position here, buddy.”
“I know. And I'm sorry. Again. But I'm not ready to tell him. Not yet. Maybe we'll never have to tell him.” The prospect was both, a relief and terrifying to consider.
“I'm not going to lie to your father,” Justin answered with finality.
“It's not a real lie when you simply don't mention it,” Gus tried.
“It's a white lie.”
“Please?” Gus begged. “For me? For Alex?”
After another one of the long silences filled with static, Justin finally relented. “Okay. But only for as long as you are abroad. Once you're finished with your studies and you come back home, you're telling him. Assuming your feelings haven't changed until then.”
“Promise,” Gus easily agreed, happy to have bought some time. “Justin?” Gus asked before they disconnected.
“Yeah?”
“Are you... uhm... well, are you... okay with... it?”
One more deep sigh. “To be honest, I don't know. I... I wasn't completely surprised, if that's what you're asking. I've had a sneaking suspicion for a while now and I thought I was getting used to the idea, bewildering though it might be. But recently I had to find out that reality is a far cry from theory - no matter how much time you had to prepare yourself for it. Besides, I was assuming things that... Nevermind. I guess, what I'm trying to say is: I have to mull it over. But Gus? That's not a reason for you to run. Do you understand me? You'll never have a reason to run. I will always love you. No matter what. You're my son.”
Gus's eyes were flowing over with tears and this time he didn't try to stop them. “Thank you,” he choked out.
“You've missed Thanksgiving, but we'll expect you back home for Christmas,” Justin admonished.
“Understood,” Gus replied with a teary smile.
Gus never made it home for Christmas, but for once it wasn't his fault. The Northeast was suffering from the biggest snowstorm in over 50 years. No chance to get a flight in or out of the country. Once the weather went back to normal, Gus's semester picked up again and travel plans were shelved. And it continued like that for the next two and a half years. Sometimes it was Gus who came up with the excuses; sometimes circumstances helped. And somehow, time continued to pass and he hadn't been home in almost 3 years.
He'd seen some of his family, of course. Both his dads flew out to St. Andrews for his graduation, leaving Alex and Emma in the care of their Grandma Deb. But it was a week full of sightseeing and last-minute organizations as it became clear that Gus had gotten the job on the senator's campaign team - no time for the talk that Gus knew he still owed Justin.
He facetimed with everyone regularly, but by a mutual silent agreement nobody mentioned his reasons for fleeing the country over the phone.
And now he was coming back home, surer of himself and what he wanted than when he left. But scared too. But Dave had been right - no point dragging out the inevitable. Fortune favors the bold, and all that shit.
So lost was Gus in his musings that he didn't notice how the over an hour long drive from the airport flew by and he found himself steering the rental car into Britin's driveway. A smile slowly spread on his face as he eyed the familiar building that he hadn't seen in far too long.
A wave of calm washed over him then; a calm that he hadn't felt ever since the day he left. Suddenly he knew, with perfect clarity, that everything was going to be okay. Maybe there'd be words, or raised voices, maybe even a fight - though he really hoped to avoid it, but at the end of it they would still be a family. Maybe with a slightly different dynamic, but a family still.
With that thought in his mind, Gus got out of the car and walked across the gravel path to the entrance.
Showtime.
The End.
(this will be continued eventually; hopefully soon)
This is a follow-up to yesterday's posted story Courage. All warnings from Courage apply here as well. Please be aware and read at your own risk.
For your convenience, here are the links to all installments, listed in chronological order of events:
- A Storm's Gonna Come
- The Next Best Thing
- Birthdays and Other Surprises
- What Comes Naturally
- Valentine's, Taylor-Kinney Style
- 2.4 Children and Other Common Facts of Average Domesticity
- Last Days of Summer
- B was for Blane, C is for Charlie
- Intervention (a.k.a. Revelations)
- Courage
- Reflections (read below)
- The New Guy
REFLECTIONS
***a sequel to the ASGC Story Courage***
Emma had been the first to call him after his desperate and hasty escape out of the country, though, not knowing that he was on a Transatlantic flight, she only got his voice mail and left a message.
“You're a shit brother, you know that?” Her voice rang tinny from the recording, but the accusation was still plain. “What happened that you had to run away like that? And without even saying goodbye? What the fuck, Gus? You just came back from college not even a year ago. I was still getting used to having you back. And now you're gone again? For how long? Daddy says he doesn't know; Dad says nothing at all. Did you fight? Ugh, I don't even care. But you could have stopped by for a hug. Okay. I'm done. Call me. I still love you, even though you're an idiot. Okay, bye. Oh, and Gus? You're not a shitty brother. Not really. Sorry I said that. And could you not mention to Dad that I said you were? And not mention that I called you idiot and used 'fuck' either? Thanks, 'ppreciate it. Love ya. Call me.”
Gus had to grin through the entire message. That was Emma down to a T.
His father sent an email. He didn't express his curiosity at the abrupt leaving, having been the only one Gus had actually talked to before packing his bags.
Gus,
I had to call in a favor with one of my international clients and he managed to get you an interview. It's Wednesday at 9 am. This is your only chance to make an impression and get into the program; if you still want that. Don't fuck it up!
Don't forget to call home every once in a while.
-Dad
After those two messages, he didn't hear from his immediate family for a while. Gus wasn't counting weekly calls to his father where he received a general update on things, but refused to talk to anyone, citing various more or less believable reasons and struggled with every passing week to come up with new ones. He and Emma text messaged almost every other day, but never about anything of importance.
Justin and Alex had never tried to contact him, but to be fair - neither had Gus. He did receive a large package for his birthday which included a card that all four of them had signed. But there were no personal messages attached to it.
Weeks went by before, out of the blue, one Sunday morning Gus woke up to an Email from Alex.
I'm sorry I made you leave your home. I didn't mean to. But I'm not sorry about what I said. And I'm not taking it back.
Unless you want me to?
Gus could practically see her biting her lip uncertainly as she wrote that last sentence.
He went for a jog, concentrating on nothing but the crunching leaves under his feet. It helped clear his mind. When he returned, he took a long shower and thought hard about what he was going to write back.
In the end he ended up writing about everything - the classes, his fellow grad students, the professors, the work load, the food, the weather, the broken heating in his unit, the windows that wouldn't close properly, the fact that once the winter season kicked in he fully expected to wake up only to notice he'd been frozen solid while he was sleeping. He talked about every minutiae of his life, writing pages of boring and insignificant stuff that he knew Alex would love to read. It made him realize how much he missed their talks. They used to talk for hours - about everything. And writing it down, re-establishing this sort of communication felt as soothing as cooling lotion on sunburned skin.
She was still his sister and one of his best friends. Gus decided he would concentrate on that and leave all other feelings - attention demanding though they might be - out the door. At least for the time being. Until he was ready to face them.
He added one last line to his email.
I don't want you to take it back. But I don't want to talk about it either. Not now at least. He thought for a moment and then added, “Please?”
Her reply came shortly after and Gus hoped that she hadn't been sitting in front of her computer the whole day, waiting to see if he'd answer. Her email was simple.
OK. I agree to your conditions. For now.
Justin was the last to re-open communication. Justin was also the one whose reaction Gus was most afraid of. Justin had always been able to see more than all the people around him. And Gus didn't doubt for a second that he had his suspicions about Gus's true reasons for running away. It started as a simple call to his dad. After some 10 or 15 minutes of updates, Brian closed with, “Justin wants to talk to you. I'm gonna pass you over to him.”
And so with no warning at all, Gus waited with bated breath for Justin to pick up the receiver while his heart rate was picking up with every passing second of silence.
“Hey Gus,” Justin's voice came on the line. He sounded warm and affectionate, just as Gus remembered him always being.
“Hey Justin,” Gus barely breathed. He didn't know why, but tears welled up in his eyes and he blinked rapidly in an effort not to let them fall. He hadn't been aware of how much he'd missed Justin too.
There was a moment's silence where neither of them said anything. Then Gus heard Justin take a deep breath.
“You know I love you, right?” Justin asked.
Gus shrugged with one shoulder even though he knew Justin couldn't see him. “I guess,” he replied carefully.
“No,” Justin replied and added with emphasis, “I love you! I do love you. Tell me you know that.”
Of course Gus knew. He'd just gotten so caught up in the confusion of his new-found but barely acknowledged feelings and the fact that he couldn't talk about it. With anyone. Least of all the person he usually talked everything through with. “Yes. I know. Justin, I know. I love you too.”
“Well, that's good. We're agreed then that lack of love is not the problem here.”
“No, it's not,” Gus confirmed.
“Okay then. That being out of the way, I gotta say-” And Gus could hear footsteps as though Justin was walking towards a room where he would have privacy. But all that came out was a sigh and, “...Gus.” Just his name. But there was so much emotion in it. Despair and disappointment but love and affection too.
“I know,” Gus wailed. “I know, Justin. I know. It's... I tried. And I'm sorry. So sorry.”
“What exactly are you sorry for?” Justin asked, voice sounding careful and controlled.
“I tried to be her brother. Just her brother. But I love her. And not like a brother should. Not only like a brother should. I know it's bad. And wrong. And... and... sick,” he said, even though he didn’t believe it, not really. “And I'll try. I'll continue trying. I swear I will. That's why I left!”
“You didn't have to leave, Gus.”
“But I did. I had to. This is the only way I can make sure that nothing ever happens.”
“You mean, nothing... happened between you two?” Justin asked.
“No.”
“Then why did you leave?” Justin asked perplexed. “I thought... When I saw you at the pool... You were looking at each other... And I thought... I assumed...” Justin stammered.
Realization dawned on Gus. “Oh, shit. No. Nuh-uh.” Gus was shaking his head violently. “Justin. I'm not deranged. I'd never touch her. Oh my god. I may have feelings I shouldn't have, but I am still me and I know what's right and wrong. And I would never. Even if she wasn't my sister, she's still a minor and Justin, I'd never...”
“I believe you. But if you two never...” Gus heard him take another calming breath and continue, “Why didn't you come and talk to me?”
“And said what? 'Oh, hey, Justin. By the way, I love your daughter and guess what, she says she loves me too. Yes, the very same that is also my sister. My 15 year old kid sister. Pass the salt, please?' Something like that?”
There was a long pause until Justin spoke again. “She said that?”
Gus sighed. “Not with those exact words. But it was strongly implied.” When Justin didn't say anything, Gus added, “Please don't tell Dad.”
“Oh, Gus. You're putting me in a real bad position here, buddy.”
“I know. And I'm sorry. Again. But I'm not ready to tell him. Not yet. Maybe we'll never have to tell him.” The prospect was both, a relief and terrifying to consider.
“I'm not going to lie to your father,” Justin answered with finality.
“It's not a real lie when you simply don't mention it,” Gus tried.
“It's a white lie.”
“Please?” Gus begged. “For me? For Alex?”
After another one of the long silences filled with static, Justin finally relented. “Okay. But only for as long as you are abroad. Once you're finished with your studies and you come back home, you're telling him. Assuming your feelings haven't changed until then.”
“Promise,” Gus easily agreed, happy to have bought some time. “Justin?” Gus asked before they disconnected.
“Yeah?”
“Are you... uhm... well, are you... okay with... it?”
One more deep sigh. “To be honest, I don't know. I... I wasn't completely surprised, if that's what you're asking. I've had a sneaking suspicion for a while now and I thought I was getting used to the idea, bewildering though it might be. But recently I had to find out that reality is a far cry from theory - no matter how much time you had to prepare yourself for it. Besides, I was assuming things that... Nevermind. I guess, what I'm trying to say is: I have to mull it over. But Gus? That's not a reason for you to run. Do you understand me? You'll never have a reason to run. I will always love you. No matter what. You're my son.”
Gus's eyes were flowing over with tears and this time he didn't try to stop them. “Thank you,” he choked out.
“You've missed Thanksgiving, but we'll expect you back home for Christmas,” Justin admonished.
“Understood,” Gus replied with a teary smile.
Gus never made it home for Christmas, but for once it wasn't his fault. The Northeast was suffering from the biggest snowstorm in over 50 years. No chance to get a flight in or out of the country. Once the weather went back to normal, Gus's semester picked up again and travel plans were shelved. And it continued like that for the next two and a half years. Sometimes it was Gus who came up with the excuses; sometimes circumstances helped. And somehow, time continued to pass and he hadn't been home in almost 3 years.
He'd seen some of his family, of course. Both his dads flew out to St. Andrews for his graduation, leaving Alex and Emma in the care of their Grandma Deb. But it was a week full of sightseeing and last-minute organizations as it became clear that Gus had gotten the job on the senator's campaign team - no time for the talk that Gus knew he still owed Justin.
He facetimed with everyone regularly, but by a mutual silent agreement nobody mentioned his reasons for fleeing the country over the phone.
And now he was coming back home, surer of himself and what he wanted than when he left. But scared too. But Dave had been right - no point dragging out the inevitable. Fortune favors the bold, and all that shit.
So lost was Gus in his musings that he didn't notice how the over an hour long drive from the airport flew by and he found himself steering the rental car into Britin's driveway. A smile slowly spread on his face as he eyed the familiar building that he hadn't seen in far too long.
A wave of calm washed over him then; a calm that he hadn't felt ever since the day he left. Suddenly he knew, with perfect clarity, that everything was going to be okay. Maybe there'd be words, or raised voices, maybe even a fight - though he really hoped to avoid it, but at the end of it they would still be a family. Maybe with a slightly different dynamic, but a family still.
With that thought in his mind, Gus got out of the car and walked across the gravel path to the entrance.
Showtime.
The End.
(this will be continued eventually; hopefully soon)