Comments | _survivors

artzgirl1987 in _survivors_

Sad.

Apr 20, 2008 10:37

This is an entry from my personal journal. Sometimes it seems like you can't get away from it.

One of the girls in my abuse support group committed suicide this past week. It was too much for her, and it's so sad. She could've worked through it, she could've found the strength. She's could've not let her abuser win. The support wasn't there for her ( Read more... )

suicide, victim-blaming

Comments 26

stac46days April 21 2008, 00:05:09 UTC

This post was hard for me to read. I think that we often think of people who commit suicide as weak, when I am not sure that is the case. I think people get so tired of the struggle that sometimes we just give in. We crave a calming to the chaos that we feel. I know I have been close before, and by grace it didn't happen.

You can't be forced into forgiveness. And you are right, if you are able to, it isn't saying that what he did was ok, because it wasn't. Take care of yourself

-STac

artzgirl1987 April 21 2008, 16:13:11 UTC

Yeah... I'm not sure if weak is the right word. I tend to be talented at that... not being sure what word to use to conve my emotion, and then I end up using the wrong word and people take offence. Oh well. =/

I just feel really badly that it ended that way and I wish that it hadn't. I didn't know her, so, I dunno why it's bothering me so much. It is though.

rayofblacklight April 21 2008, 01:41:01 UTC

Forgiveness isn't forgetting, not thinking about it anymore, or ignoring. It's opening a door, and clearing a path and to set yourself free. That being said, TRUE forgiveness is something that happens; it can't be forced. You may forgive tomorrow, you may forgive when you're 99. Whenever it happens is when you're ready. Don't let anyone tell you that you "need" to forgive RIGHT NOW. My favorite response is, "How about once you've been [fill in the blank] then you can tell me how I deal with it and when -- if ever -- it's appropriate to forgive."

I'm sorry about the girl in your group; someone close to us committing suicide is kind of a reality check. It's scary. *hug*
--Leah

artzgirl1987 April 21 2008, 16:08:16 UTC

Thanks. =)

I like that responce. It's definitely something I would say. =)

briar_witch April 21 2008, 01:51:38 UTC

I feel that to say someone is "weak" by committing suicide is very judgemental. Personally, I believe that committing suicide does not make a person "weak", it just means that their abuse was stronger than them, and indirectly killed them. For example, you may be able to lift 300 pounds of weights all at once, and you are strong for being able to do so, however, someone else may be able to lift 600 pounds all at once. Just because they can lift more than you doesn't automatically make you "weak".

I believe that she was strong for holding out against the hurt and damage of her abuse for so long. Ultimately the abuse won, but that doesn't mean she is at all to blame for that, as saying she was "weak" implies.

artzgirl1987 April 21 2008, 16:00:38 UTC

I'm sorry you took it that way. I think you read into it a little too much. I didn't mean it in a negative way. Meaning that we (or I) are stronger than her and she was some weakling. We all have our weak moments and her's overtook her. Than doesn't mean she was a weak person. She was a strong person, and it's a shame she is gone.

volare April 21 2008, 17:02:58 UTC

the problem here is that you use the word at all.

it's a judgemental word regardless of how you think people should "take" it.

and in an abuse survivor's situation, it's never appropriate.

briar_witch April 21 2008, 17:18:18 UTC

"...or maybe she was too weak"
While you may not have meant she was a weak person, that is in fact what you wrote with that comment.
"...she could've found the strength" Also feeds into the idea that she was somehow "weak".

Both comments, when taken in conjunction with your whole statement of: "She could've worked through it, she could've found the strength. She's could've not let her abuser win...or maybe she was too weak." reinforce the negative idea that someone who commits suicide is somehow weak and not trying hard enough.

I am guessing she was depressed, and when one is depressed it is hard to get out of the mindset that says nothing is worth it. Depression, true depression and not just a day or two of the blues, is a biochemical imbalance in the brain, which trauma can precipitate. Your comment that "She could've worked through it, she could've found the strength" implies she simply wasn't trying hard enough. You can not always think your way through a serious depression, and it is very difficult to find the energy ( ... )

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