Sad.

[artzgirl1987]

 This is an entry from my personal journal. Sometimes it seems like you can't get away from it.

One of the girls in my abuse support group committed suicide this past week. It was too much for her, and it's so sad. She could've worked through it, she could've found the strength. She's could've not let her abuser win. The support wasn't there for her

Comments

[briar_witch]

I feel that to say someone is "weak" by committing suicide is very judgemental. Personally, I believe that committing suicide does not make a person "weak", it just means that their abuse was stronger than them, and indirectly killed them. For example, you may be able to lift 300 pounds of weights all at once, and you are strong for being able to do so, however, someone else may be able to lift 600 pounds all at once. Just because they can lift more than you doesn't automatically make you "weak".

I believe that she was strong for holding out against the hurt and damage of her abuse for so long. Ultimately the abuse won, but that doesn't mean she is at all to blame for that, as saying she was "weak" implies.

[artzgirl1987]

I'm sorry you took it that way. I think you read into it a little too much. I didn't mean it in a negative way. Meaning that we (or I) are stronger than her and she was some weakling. We all have our weak moments and her's overtook her. Than doesn't mean she was a weak person. She was a strong person, and it's a shame she is gone.

[volare]

the problem here is that you use the word at all.

it's a judgemental word regardless of how you think people should "take" it.

and in an abuse survivor's situation, it's never appropriate.

[briar_witch]

"...or maybe she was too weak"
While you may not have meant she was a weak person, that is in fact what you wrote with that comment.
"...she could've found the strength" Also feeds into the idea that she was somehow "weak".

Both comments, when taken in conjunction with your whole statement of: "She could've worked through it, she could've found the strength. She's could've not let her abuser win...or maybe she was too weak." reinforce the negative idea that someone who commits suicide is somehow weak and not trying hard enough.

I am guessing she was depressed, and when one is depressed it is hard to get out of the mindset that says nothing is worth it. Depression, true depression and not just a day or two of the blues, is a biochemical imbalance in the brain, which trauma can precipitate. Your comment that "She could've worked through it, she could've found the strength" implies she simply wasn't trying hard enough. You can not always think your way through a serious depression, and it is very difficult to find the energy

[stac46days]

...it was the abuse that killed her...

That is what I was trying to communicate earlier. I appreciate your comment, for it was in a sense affirming for me.

Thanks
-stac

[briar_witch]

You're welcome.

Safe hugs.

[sistahraven]

I don't think she read into it too much at all. Thus far all the mods, myself included, read it the same way. When you specifically use the words strength and weak, it's tough *not* to read it as a judgment of strength or weakness.

Maybe a different choice of words is needed? If you don't mean it as a judgment, taking out strength and weak (it looks like you've edited out "weak" from the original post) would clarify your position better.

[briar_witch]

Absolutely she chose to kill herself. My point is, that she was driven to doing so by the abuse. Thus, the abuse did in fact kill her, even if indirectly. Yes, it is a guess that she was depressed. However, I can't imagine feeling suicidal unless one is depressed.

[sistahraven]

I have no problem in placing the responsibility of her choice with her. I would rather not think the abuse killed her, too, as that would feel to me like her abuser won. She made a choice to try to find peace, and chose a solution where she would never feel peace while in a physical form. I'd much rather she'd have been able to find a daily peace.

There's no need to guess as to whether she was depressed - she was fairly open about her ptsd and the depths to which she sank emotionally. We don't know what pushed her over the edge, and we probably never will. I've been suicidal, I've made many attempts, and so I don't judge strength or weakness based on a choice for peace - regardless of how I'd rather she found peace.

[briar_witch]

For me, I don't look at it as her abuser "winning", though I can see how you might feel that way. I look at it more as what she suffered through affected her to the point where suicide seemed to her a viable option. I do agree with both you and Twinkstar that she is the one who chose that route.

I look at the suicide as being a result of the abuse, and not a choice she made in isolation from the effects of the abuse. This is why I say that it is the abuse that killed her, even if it did so indirectly. It's the abuse that caused her ptsd and emotional distress, which in turn made her suicidal.

[sistahraven]

That makes sense - it removes the "winning" aspect that comes up in my head

[briar_witch]

"I don't judge strength or weakness based on a choice for peace - regardless of how I'd rather she found peace."
Yes, thank you!