The result of my insomnia
Title: You Are My Signal Fire (Part 16 and 17)
Characters: Andrew Raycroft / Ian White, appearances by Matt Stajan, Kyle Wellwood, Daniel Paille and Nathan Paetsch (Buffalo Sabres)
Word Count: a bunch ^.^
Rating: PG-13 at first and then part 17 is NC-17
Disclaimer: I don’t own these players, nor do I know their sexual preferences. The whole thing is a work of my imagination. The title is part of the lyrics from snow patrol’s song ‘Signal Fire’.
|| Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7 || Part 8 || Part 9 || Part 10 || Part 11 || Part 12 || Part 13 || Part 14 || Part 15 ||
The last few weeks had been some of the happiest of my life. I’d never been one for relationships. I got claustrophobic easily, I liked my space, I didn’t open up easily to people, …I had a million excuses. I didn’t think of them anymore, not a trace of them remained in my mind as it was the clearest it had been in a long time. If this had been in the middle of the season I felt that I would have been at the top of my game.
I caught myself many times just staring at Ian, not necessarily thinking thoughts of passion (though I had lots of those as well) but this was something different…just simple thoughts. Intimacy. Affection. Friendship.
I would remember stupid little things throughout the day that would make me smile, like last Sunday when we just curled up on the couch and watched old games, making fun of players we didn’t like and applauding the brilliant plays of others. Or when we spent the whole of Wednesday afternoon trying to find Ian the perfect suit to wear to meet his sister’s fiancée for the first time. He must have tried on a hundred different shirts, only choosing one after I gave the final say. I was glad that my opinion meant so much to him. Things were going so perfectly. I finally understood why people spent so much time looking for that special someone to be in a “relationship” with.
Relationships were unselfish, giving your all to make that other person happy all the time, putting their needs before your own. But mostly it was being open and accepting of them, no matter what. I thought I finally understood what it meant and I was happy.
That Saturday night we had gone out to our favourite pub in Toronto, just drinking beer and hanging out, relaxing and enjoying ourselves, watching the Stanley cup playoffs that we were no longer apart of. It was a good time, we were joined by Matt and Kyle later on, our two favourite people to hang around with.
We were well on our way to being drunk, all of us slightly buzzed but still aware of what we said and of our actions. Joking around about pranks we had pulled during the season on some of the older players. Just when I thought my ribs could not take anymore, someone would say something else and I’d feel my sides begin to split with the pain associated with our frivolities. But how we were enjoying ourselves.
Kyle finished laughing at one of Ian’s jokes, trying to tell one of his own but still incapable of pausing from his chuckling, “Okay…okay…I got one…this one time….haha now this is really good…okay…this one time…hahaha….”
“Shut up and tell the damn joke…” Matt barely managed through a fit of giggles.
“No seriously…okay…Jeff O’Neill had been making fun of me cause I was out injured and I couldn’t play and I was starting to get mad, even though he was joking, so I…haha…I took his hockey stick and I sawed through about half way, on all of them, really fine incisions so you couldn’t see them but they’d snap the minute he tried to take a shot.” We burst into laughter as the incident was explained and the world seemed to make sense once more, I laughed remembering the game well, “It was fucking hilarious, he must have gone through like 6 sticks that game before the trainers finally got new ones from storage. He had no idea, and he still doesn’t know it was me. Too funny.”
A strange voice cut into our frivolities, “You always were the best prankster on the team Kyle.”
I turned around to see Daniel Paille at the end of the foreign voice, Nathan Paetsch standing along side of him. With a yelled greeting, Kyle got up and gave them both a hug followed by Matt. I felt Ian tense up beside me, avoiding Paille’s eyes. I looked between the two of them, wondering just what was going on.
After Kyle and Matt sat down Daniel spoke again, “What no greeting Ian, that’s a little cold for an ex-team mate don’t you think?”
Ian got up and gave him a half hug before hugging Paetsch as well. Kyle oblivious to the goings on around him as usual asked them to join us. “C’mon guys! Sit down, have a beer. You must need it after being squeezed out by Ottawa like you were. Harsh stuff that is.”
Nathan laughed hollowly, “You have no idea.”
Matt smiled at the two of them, “So what brings you guys to our neck of the woods? Buffalo beginning to bore you?”
“Not really. Just showing Nathan where I’m from. We’re driving out to see my family later on in the week, just hanging out in Toronto for now.”
Ian was now oddly intent on studying his pint glass, I frowned, I didn’t like what was going on. “So how do you guys all know each other?” I inquired.
“World Juniors, Halifax…we lost to Russia...” Daniel said, staring at Ian across the table.
“Yeah, thanks for reminding us.” Nathan added.
“Hey…we had some good times none the less, made some friends we won’t forget.” Kyle glanced at Matt, and they exchanged a grin between the two of them.
“And some we do forget…or at least try to forget.” Okay…why was he still staring at my boyfriend.
Ian cleared his throat, “I’ll go get us another round.” He got up from the table and marched over to the bar.
“I’ll help h-” Daniel offered half out of his seat before I interrupted him, “No, it’s okay I got it.” He sat back down with a nod, but he looked a little miffed, like I had disturbed his plans to talk in private with Ian…good.
I walked over and Ian was fidgeting with his hands at the bar as he waited for our pitchers to be poured. I grabbed one of his hands to make him stop, but he pulled it away. “Hey what’s going on with you? You’ve been acting kind of weird ever since they got here…did something happen between you?”
He shifted uncomfortably, like he was trying to find the words, “Well…me and Dan…we kind of had a thing in Halifax, that carried over for awhile…it didn’t end well.”
“Do you want to go home? We can leave if you want.” I heard myself saying things like home and we…referring to the pair of us, it seemed too surreal.
“No, I’ll be fine. I can be an adult about this. Besides I’m with you now and he’s moved on too. And he’s got nothing on you babe.” He grinned at me, leaning into me playfully. I looked over my shoulder to see Daniel staring at the two of us, I forced a smile on to my face as I turned back to Ian, trying to pretend like I wasn’t uncomfortable with this whole thing.
The night progressed, everyone loosened up as the number of empty glasses on the table increased. Daniel was still trying to catch Ian’s attention and I was beginning to get annoyed, I mean I was sitting RIGHT there! Nathan was oblivious as he joked with Matt and Kyle about things past, fitting right in with the guys like no time had passed. Daniel’s quiet and mysterious demeanour set him apart from the rest of them though.
My phone rang and I left the table to take the call, going into the bathroom where it was quieter so I could hear. It was my agent, letting me know that the man I had sent the tickets to had sent a letter back with his thanks and a memory card, he sounded confused, but I told him not to touch it and I’d come get it next week. I got off the phone and went into one of the stalls to relieve my bladder, I didn’t really like using the urinals in front of everyone. I heard the door open and I instinctively slowed my breathing, trying to be as quiet as possible.
“Why are you ignoring me?”
“Why are you trying so hard to get me to notice you. For god’s sake Nathan’s right there and so is Andrew.”
“So you’re with Raycroft now?” Dan snorted, “I don’t really see that happening for too long. But I’m not worried. You’ll see that and come back to me sooner or later.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but something inside of me kept my mouth shut and I listened on. “That’s right…I’m with Andy now. We’re…happy.” His voice had a little quiver in it, as though he wasn’t quite convinced. It stung me and I slumped slightly against the wall of the stall, as I felt temporarily weakened.
“Are you really? You don’t sound too certain of that.” Dan’s voice triumphant, as he seemed convinced that he had planted the seed of doubt, something I was pretty convinced of myself.
“I am.” He sounded more confident now, willing himself to be stronger, “I’ve moved on and I thought you had too, but I guess was wrong. Just using Nathan then to satisfy your urges? I see you haven’t changed.”
“C’mon don’t be like that.” I could see through the crack in the door of my stall that Daniel had moved closer to Ian, grazing the side of his face with the back of his hand, “You know it was different with you.”
Ian pushed him away, “This isn’t even a discussion…” I felt my heart skip a beat, maybe he really did love me.
“I would leave Nathan in a heartbeat if it meant we would be back together.” His hand now resting on Ian’s shoulder, this time he didn’t remove it.
He looked down at the floor, “I can’t talk about this right now.” And then he left. Dan stood there for a moment, sighed and then left. I waited a few minutes before going back out to the table.
Ian smiled at me when I sat back down beside him, but I was still hurting a little bit from the insecurity in his voice, the insecurity about us, so I didn’t return it. I thought we were in this together. His smile faded quickly at my lack of a response. He tried again, resting his hand on my thigh but I quickly brushed it aside. “You know what guys, I’m feeling a little under the weather. I think I’m going to head home.”
“No! Andy you gotta stay! Don’t turn into an old man on us now!” Matt pleaded, teasing me about my age.
“Sorry, this ‘old man’ is out past his curfew.”
Ian got up to go with me but I left a hand on his shoulder keeping him down in his chair, “You can stay if you want. Catch up with your friends. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry I’ll take a taxi.” I smiled at him, but it wasn’t really me. It was a front, I just hope he didn’t see through it to the injury beneath.
“I’ll walk you out to the car.” I couldn’t protest with that.
As Ian got up Daniel and I exchanged a glance, it was a warning, but I wasn’t sure who had won the mini stare down. I pulled my zip-up hoodie a little tighter over my shoulders as the chilly air hit us outside the bar.
“I’ll probably be home in about an hour or two.” He leaned in to kiss me goodbye, but I pulled back. Not sure where that came from exactly.
“Don’t bother.” My voice was cold, suddenly closed off emotionally.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he looked at me hesitantly, afraid of what I knew to be true.
“It’s not ‘home’. It’s my apartment, and to be honest, I could use one night of breathing room.” Suddenly I was off on a tangent, not even sure why I was picking a fight, “I mean you’re always there. I come home from the gym and you’re there, I wake up and you’re there, I go to my physio and when I come back, you’re there. I just need some space.” There it was. An excuse had made its way from my lips, that protective barrier that I always had was now firmly back in place.
Ian was completely transparent, his look said he was crushed by my words, “I don’t understand…”
“There’s nothing to understand. Just try not to suffocate me so much.”
“Why didn’t you say someth-“
“How could I? You’d get all emotional and shit like you are now.” I couldn’t stop the words from flowing from my mouth. I hated myself for saying them. But that moment of hesitation in his voice in the bathroom, was the excuse I needed to go right back to my old ways.
“So you want a break? Is that it?”
I sighed, “I don’t know what I want, I just can’t handle all of this right now. It’s….too much.”
Ian looked devastated and I felt my heart break a little, but I turned around and hailed a cab anyways. I was like a robot on auto controls, like having an out-of-body experience, I was helpless but to watch what I was doing to him. Driving him away, like I always did with everyone.
“Wait…don’t leave like this…” he pleaded, but I wasn’t listening.
A cab pulled up in front of me and I opened the door, “We’ll talk later…”
“Andrew! I’m sorry…” I closed the door but I could still hear his voice. “I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry!” he yelled after the cab, but it pulled away. I felt a hot drop of liquid run down my cheek, looking over my shoulder to see Ian wipe his face on his sleeve. Fuck, what have I done.
***By the way, I don’t actually know anything about Ian’s family, like if he has a sister or anything. I find it’s very hard to find information on him, so I make some of it up to help my story along. Just so’s you know. :D
Part 17
Ian’s POV
I stood there in a disbelieving state as his cab pulled away, I wanted to run after him but my legs were rooted to the ground. The tears were rolling down my cheeks faster now. What just happened? Where did this all come from? My grief, turned to anger as I got frustrated with myself. Why is he shutting me out?
I felt a hand on my shoulder, “You okay?” I hadn’t even heard the door open or his footsteps behind me. I shook my head, and he walked around in front of me pulling me into a comforting hug. I sank into his shoulder, releasing my pain in the form of tears, soaking his t-shirt.
“You wanna get out of here?” he looked down at me, and I nodded.
“What about-?”
“They’re going to Kyle’s for some more drinks, they’ve already left. I said I wasn’t feeling well either.” He hailed a cab and before I had time to protest he pushed me into the backseat.
He told the cabbie the name of his hotel and we were off, I sat numb, still in shock of what had just happened. Dan’s hand had made its way onto my knee, the warmth of his touch coming through my pants. It moved slowly up my leg but before he could do anything we had arrived at the hotel.
I followed him through the lobby up to his room, he slid his key card in the door and the light flashed green. Grabbing my arm he dragged me into his room, I didn’t protest.
Andy’s POV
I sat at home on my couch, flipping restlessly through the channels of my digital cable. 1000 channels and nothing I wanted to watch, each thing reminding me in some way of Ian. I turned it off angrily, throwing the remote across the room. I glared at my cell phone, it was daring me to call him. I picked it up, flipping through my phone book until Ian’s name was highlighted. I hesitated…and then pushed send.
Ian’s POV
The lights were still off as he guided me deeper into the room, stopping near where the bed was. Hand sliding down my arm and transferring to the small of my back, pulling me up against him. He was already hard in his pants, clearly the anticipation of his victory over me was setting in. I felt his moist lips on my neck, still no words could be formed from my mouth, as I stood mute.
“God, I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered to me as I felt his hands on my chest beginning to unbutton my shirt. Taking his time with the buttons as he continued to leave a soft trail of kissed along my neckline. I groaned giving in to his tender caress, letting my own hands rest lightly on his hips. I was snapped out of my trance like state by something vibrating in my pocket. I lifted out my cell phone to see Andy’s name on the display and for a moment my heart stopped beating. Before I could answer it, Dan pulled it away from me. I reached out to grab it, “No…!” I made another grab for it, but he held me at arm’s length.
He flipped the phone open and I made one last attempt to grab it, “He’s busy. Call back later.” And then he flipped it shut. I stood motionless, afraid to move even though Andrew was on the other side of the city. Sitting on the bed, I ran my fingers through my hair nervously. I felt the bed shift and the warmth of his leg as he sat beside me. “He doesn’t even love you.”
Andy’s POV
I looked at the screen of my phone, “Call Ended. Redial?” I flipped it shut, staring blankly out in front of me. My other hand was a fist so tight that my finger nails began cutting into my palm, a slow trickle of blood making its way down to my wrist.
Well that didn’t take long. I fucking knew it! What a fool I was to actually think that I could be in a relationship with someone. Well I know better now. I got up and began pacing my living room, not sure what to do with myself. Thoughts and images of them together kept popping up in my head no matter how hard I willed their intertwined naked bodies to go away, they wouldn’t. That smug grin on Paille’s face, like he had triumphed over me in some way.
I yelled out in anger and punched my fireplace, feeling my hand crumple on impact with the brick. Ignoring the pain, I slumped on to the floor, crying over the emotional pain that was blocking out any sort of rational thought.
Ian’s POV
“Don’t say that. He does. He just doesn’t show it in front of most people.” I tried to defend us, not wanting to believe what he was saying, “Andy’s…complicated. But I know what he means, and he didn’t mean what he said tonight...” that unsure quiver was back in my voice, “He can’t have meant it.”
“He doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I’ve seen it before. Someone is always more attached than the other, in this case it’s you. You’re making excuses because you don’t want to believe what I’m telling you. Sometimes you have to listen to people who are outside of the relationship, who aren’t being blind to what’s right in front of them. Denial, is not a good thing and it’s best to get over it quickly.” He continued unbuttoning, my half unbuttoned shirt but I swiped his hand away.
“Stop it! You don’t know him like I do. You can’t talk about him like that.”
“I don’t have to. We all know what he’s like. Heard that he’s emotionally closed off, that’s why he’s so up and down with his games. He can’t control it. One day he thinks one thing and the next it’s the complete opposite.” He had begun kissing my neck again, my eyes shut at his touch. He got up and went to the mini bar getting out a couple little bottles of vodka. He handed me two, taking one for himself.
“That’s not him.” But truth was, I had heard this all before from other players. I downed both, one after another, trying to make the dull throb inside of my chest go away. It subsided slightly, but so did my vision and my judgement apparently.
I felt his hands grab the bottles from me and put them on the table, I swayed slightly where I sat before he straddled my lap planting a kiss on my lips. His tongue intruding into my mouth, the sensation was different but not rejected. I’d run out of excuses of why I shouldn’t just sleep with Daniel…at least tonight.
His kiss was hungry and rough, holding the back of my neck and pulling me in as if we weren’t close enough already. “I’ve never been with anyone quite like you, I remember those nights in Halifax so well.” His voice was husky as he ripped off my shirt, tearing off the last couple buttons as he threw it aside.
I pulled off his shirt too, feeling the ripped, muscular chest underneath. His stomach was tighter than Andrew’s, needing a little more fitness for endurance skating. My pants were torn off feverishly next, I assume at one point I took his off too because sooner or later we were both naked.
My hands ran smoothly through his longish brown hair, it was soft and welcoming. And I kissed him again, maybe this would make me forget about tonight. He pushed me down on the bed, biting into my neck, making me grimace. Dan had always liked the rough stuff a little more than I had.
He reached for his pants on the floor pulling a condom from his pocket, stroking me in the mean time getting me harder and harder. I let a finger slide into him and he moaned loudly, my breathing increasing but coming out raspy. I added another as he rolled the condom on me. Another and he cried out at the sensation, gripping my shoulders tightly.
“Fuck me now Ian. I want to feel you inside me right fucking now.” He ordered me around, kneeling on the bed and dropping down on to his elbows. I felt fresh tears running down my face, feeling completely conflicted. Don’t do this, part of me said, the other ordering me to fuck him until I couldn’t physically do it anymore to get back at Andrew for the unexpected attack. I shut them out and grabbing onto his hips, I thrust roughly into him.
He cried out again, relaxing his muscles almost immediately. I continued thrusting as he moaned beneath me, hot tears still coming down my face. “Harder!” he growled and I obliged, taking my anger out on him. “Come on fuck me harder Ian!”
I rammed myself into him and felt him wince underneath me, finally shutting him up. Faster and faster I went until I came and he soon after. I flopped down on the bed, pulling out of him. I lay breathing heavily, shuddering as I cried, not feeling any kind of relief.
“Why are you crying? That wasn’t so bad was it?”
I turned on to my side, facing away from him, disgusted with myself. Why did I think that was going to fucking work. Fuck, I’m such an idiot. Now, he’s really never going to forgive me. I broke down completely, Dan rubbing my back trying to comfort me.
Andy’s POV
I hadn’t slept at all that night, the pale light of morning shining through my window and the pain in my hand finally making me aware of its presence. It throbbed, swollen and bleeding all over the place as I sat on the ground where I had collapsed, deep in thought. I looked down at it through red eyes, I could see a fragment of knuckle bone peaking through my torn skin at me, teasing me for my moment of frustration.
Ian’s POV
The next morning I showered quickly and dressed before Dan woke up. I didn’t want to talk to him, furious at both him and myself. I took a taxi back to my apartment, flopping down on my couch and staring at the cell phone in front of me. I picked it up and hesitantly dialled Andrew’s number. I had to talk to him.
Andrew’s POV
I sat in the trainer’s medical room, as he examined my hand shaking his head. I cried out as he stretched my fingers slowly.
“What the hell is the matter with you Andrew? If ever there was anyone who shouldn’t break their hand, it’s the goalie. What were you thinking? Maurice is going to slaughter you.”
I spoke through gritted teeth as he tried mopping up my hand, ripping away the broken skin to get a better look at the damage, “I’ll be fine by the time the season begins…and I don’t really care what the fuck Maurice does.”
The trainer shook his head sadly, “This is really bad Andrew. The tendon has been severed completely here on your index finger, and you’ve crushed your knuckles. We might need to do surgery to fix this up.” He looked at me hesitantly, “You might not have the same range of motion that you’re used to when we’re done.”
I looked down at the floor, a pit in my stomach of unease. Great. As if my game didn’t suffer enough, I have a further excuse for my inconsistencies. I let out a deep sigh, wishing I had someone here to hold my unbroken hand through all this.
Just then my phone rang, I screened it, looking at the display. Ian’s name glowed there on the screen, staring me down. I put the phone back in my pocket, I didn’t want to talk to him, Not after last night. Not after that call.
The trainer looked at me, “Girl troubles hm? If I had a dollar for everytime a guy came in here with some sort of injury for taking their anger out on a wall or a doorframe because of their girlfriend…”
***Bah, that’s all I can do right now. My fingers hurt from typing, I’m done for now. And sorry to those Buffalo fans, I have nothing against Dan Paille, but someone had to be that bad guy and he was convenient *hugs Dan*
Characters: Andrew Raycroft / Ian White, appearances by Matt Stajan, Kyle Wellwood, Daniel Paille and Nathan Paetsch (Buffalo Sabres)
Word Count: a bunch ^.^
Rating: PG-13 at first and then part 17 is NC-17
Disclaimer: I don’t own these players, nor do I know their sexual preferences. The whole thing is a work of my imagination. The title is part of the lyrics from snow patrol’s song ‘Signal Fire’.
|| Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7 || Part 8 || Part 9 || Part 10 || Part 11 || Part 12 || Part 13 || Part 14 || Part 15 ||
The last few weeks had been some of the happiest of my life. I’d never been one for relationships. I got claustrophobic easily, I liked my space, I didn’t open up easily to people, …I had a million excuses. I didn’t think of them anymore, not a trace of them remained in my mind as it was the clearest it had been in a long time. If this had been in the middle of the season I felt that I would have been at the top of my game.
I caught myself many times just staring at Ian, not necessarily thinking thoughts of passion (though I had lots of those as well) but this was something different…just simple thoughts. Intimacy. Affection. Friendship.
I would remember stupid little things throughout the day that would make me smile, like last Sunday when we just curled up on the couch and watched old games, making fun of players we didn’t like and applauding the brilliant plays of others. Or when we spent the whole of Wednesday afternoon trying to find Ian the perfect suit to wear to meet his sister’s fiancée for the first time. He must have tried on a hundred different shirts, only choosing one after I gave the final say. I was glad that my opinion meant so much to him. Things were going so perfectly. I finally understood why people spent so much time looking for that special someone to be in a “relationship” with.
Relationships were unselfish, giving your all to make that other person happy all the time, putting their needs before your own. But mostly it was being open and accepting of them, no matter what. I thought I finally understood what it meant and I was happy.
That Saturday night we had gone out to our favourite pub in Toronto, just drinking beer and hanging out, relaxing and enjoying ourselves, watching the Stanley cup playoffs that we were no longer apart of. It was a good time, we were joined by Matt and Kyle later on, our two favourite people to hang around with.
We were well on our way to being drunk, all of us slightly buzzed but still aware of what we said and of our actions. Joking around about pranks we had pulled during the season on some of the older players. Just when I thought my ribs could not take anymore, someone would say something else and I’d feel my sides begin to split with the pain associated with our frivolities. But how we were enjoying ourselves.
Kyle finished laughing at one of Ian’s jokes, trying to tell one of his own but still incapable of pausing from his chuckling, “Okay…okay…I got one…this one time….haha now this is really good…okay…this one time…hahaha….”
“Shut up and tell the damn joke…” Matt barely managed through a fit of giggles.
“No seriously…okay…Jeff O’Neill had been making fun of me cause I was out injured and I couldn’t play and I was starting to get mad, even though he was joking, so I…haha…I took his hockey stick and I sawed through about half way, on all of them, really fine incisions so you couldn’t see them but they’d snap the minute he tried to take a shot.” We burst into laughter as the incident was explained and the world seemed to make sense once more, I laughed remembering the game well, “It was fucking hilarious, he must have gone through like 6 sticks that game before the trainers finally got new ones from storage. He had no idea, and he still doesn’t know it was me. Too funny.”
A strange voice cut into our frivolities, “You always were the best prankster on the team Kyle.”
I turned around to see Daniel Paille at the end of the foreign voice, Nathan Paetsch standing along side of him. With a yelled greeting, Kyle got up and gave them both a hug followed by Matt. I felt Ian tense up beside me, avoiding Paille’s eyes. I looked between the two of them, wondering just what was going on.
After Kyle and Matt sat down Daniel spoke again, “What no greeting Ian, that’s a little cold for an ex-team mate don’t you think?”
Ian got up and gave him a half hug before hugging Paetsch as well. Kyle oblivious to the goings on around him as usual asked them to join us. “C’mon guys! Sit down, have a beer. You must need it after being squeezed out by Ottawa like you were. Harsh stuff that is.”
Nathan laughed hollowly, “You have no idea.”
Matt smiled at the two of them, “So what brings you guys to our neck of the woods? Buffalo beginning to bore you?”
“Not really. Just showing Nathan where I’m from. We’re driving out to see my family later on in the week, just hanging out in Toronto for now.”
Ian was now oddly intent on studying his pint glass, I frowned, I didn’t like what was going on. “So how do you guys all know each other?” I inquired.
“World Juniors, Halifax…we lost to Russia...” Daniel said, staring at Ian across the table.
“Yeah, thanks for reminding us.” Nathan added.
“Hey…we had some good times none the less, made some friends we won’t forget.” Kyle glanced at Matt, and they exchanged a grin between the two of them.
“And some we do forget…or at least try to forget.” Okay…why was he still staring at my boyfriend.
Ian cleared his throat, “I’ll go get us another round.” He got up from the table and marched over to the bar.
“I’ll help h-” Daniel offered half out of his seat before I interrupted him, “No, it’s okay I got it.” He sat back down with a nod, but he looked a little miffed, like I had disturbed his plans to talk in private with Ian…good.
I walked over and Ian was fidgeting with his hands at the bar as he waited for our pitchers to be poured. I grabbed one of his hands to make him stop, but he pulled it away. “Hey what’s going on with you? You’ve been acting kind of weird ever since they got here…did something happen between you?”
He shifted uncomfortably, like he was trying to find the words, “Well…me and Dan…we kind of had a thing in Halifax, that carried over for awhile…it didn’t end well.”
“Do you want to go home? We can leave if you want.” I heard myself saying things like home and we…referring to the pair of us, it seemed too surreal.
“No, I’ll be fine. I can be an adult about this. Besides I’m with you now and he’s moved on too. And he’s got nothing on you babe.” He grinned at me, leaning into me playfully. I looked over my shoulder to see Daniel staring at the two of us, I forced a smile on to my face as I turned back to Ian, trying to pretend like I wasn’t uncomfortable with this whole thing.
The night progressed, everyone loosened up as the number of empty glasses on the table increased. Daniel was still trying to catch Ian’s attention and I was beginning to get annoyed, I mean I was sitting RIGHT there! Nathan was oblivious as he joked with Matt and Kyle about things past, fitting right in with the guys like no time had passed. Daniel’s quiet and mysterious demeanour set him apart from the rest of them though.
My phone rang and I left the table to take the call, going into the bathroom where it was quieter so I could hear. It was my agent, letting me know that the man I had sent the tickets to had sent a letter back with his thanks and a memory card, he sounded confused, but I told him not to touch it and I’d come get it next week. I got off the phone and went into one of the stalls to relieve my bladder, I didn’t really like using the urinals in front of everyone. I heard the door open and I instinctively slowed my breathing, trying to be as quiet as possible.
“Why are you ignoring me?”
“Why are you trying so hard to get me to notice you. For god’s sake Nathan’s right there and so is Andrew.”
“So you’re with Raycroft now?” Dan snorted, “I don’t really see that happening for too long. But I’m not worried. You’ll see that and come back to me sooner or later.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but something inside of me kept my mouth shut and I listened on. “That’s right…I’m with Andy now. We’re…happy.” His voice had a little quiver in it, as though he wasn’t quite convinced. It stung me and I slumped slightly against the wall of the stall, as I felt temporarily weakened.
“Are you really? You don’t sound too certain of that.” Dan’s voice triumphant, as he seemed convinced that he had planted the seed of doubt, something I was pretty convinced of myself.
“I am.” He sounded more confident now, willing himself to be stronger, “I’ve moved on and I thought you had too, but I guess was wrong. Just using Nathan then to satisfy your urges? I see you haven’t changed.”
“C’mon don’t be like that.” I could see through the crack in the door of my stall that Daniel had moved closer to Ian, grazing the side of his face with the back of his hand, “You know it was different with you.”
Ian pushed him away, “This isn’t even a discussion…” I felt my heart skip a beat, maybe he really did love me.
“I would leave Nathan in a heartbeat if it meant we would be back together.” His hand now resting on Ian’s shoulder, this time he didn’t remove it.
He looked down at the floor, “I can’t talk about this right now.” And then he left. Dan stood there for a moment, sighed and then left. I waited a few minutes before going back out to the table.
Ian smiled at me when I sat back down beside him, but I was still hurting a little bit from the insecurity in his voice, the insecurity about us, so I didn’t return it. I thought we were in this together. His smile faded quickly at my lack of a response. He tried again, resting his hand on my thigh but I quickly brushed it aside. “You know what guys, I’m feeling a little under the weather. I think I’m going to head home.”
“No! Andy you gotta stay! Don’t turn into an old man on us now!” Matt pleaded, teasing me about my age.
“Sorry, this ‘old man’ is out past his curfew.”
Ian got up to go with me but I left a hand on his shoulder keeping him down in his chair, “You can stay if you want. Catch up with your friends. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry I’ll take a taxi.” I smiled at him, but it wasn’t really me. It was a front, I just hope he didn’t see through it to the injury beneath.
“I’ll walk you out to the car.” I couldn’t protest with that.
As Ian got up Daniel and I exchanged a glance, it was a warning, but I wasn’t sure who had won the mini stare down. I pulled my zip-up hoodie a little tighter over my shoulders as the chilly air hit us outside the bar.
“I’ll probably be home in about an hour or two.” He leaned in to kiss me goodbye, but I pulled back. Not sure where that came from exactly.
“Don’t bother.” My voice was cold, suddenly closed off emotionally.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he looked at me hesitantly, afraid of what I knew to be true.
“It’s not ‘home’. It’s my apartment, and to be honest, I could use one night of breathing room.” Suddenly I was off on a tangent, not even sure why I was picking a fight, “I mean you’re always there. I come home from the gym and you’re there, I wake up and you’re there, I go to my physio and when I come back, you’re there. I just need some space.” There it was. An excuse had made its way from my lips, that protective barrier that I always had was now firmly back in place.
Ian was completely transparent, his look said he was crushed by my words, “I don’t understand…”
“There’s nothing to understand. Just try not to suffocate me so much.”
“Why didn’t you say someth-“
“How could I? You’d get all emotional and shit like you are now.” I couldn’t stop the words from flowing from my mouth. I hated myself for saying them. But that moment of hesitation in his voice in the bathroom, was the excuse I needed to go right back to my old ways.
“So you want a break? Is that it?”
I sighed, “I don’t know what I want, I just can’t handle all of this right now. It’s….too much.”
Ian looked devastated and I felt my heart break a little, but I turned around and hailed a cab anyways. I was like a robot on auto controls, like having an out-of-body experience, I was helpless but to watch what I was doing to him. Driving him away, like I always did with everyone.
“Wait…don’t leave like this…” he pleaded, but I wasn’t listening.
A cab pulled up in front of me and I opened the door, “We’ll talk later…”
“Andrew! I’m sorry…” I closed the door but I could still hear his voice. “I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry!” he yelled after the cab, but it pulled away. I felt a hot drop of liquid run down my cheek, looking over my shoulder to see Ian wipe his face on his sleeve. Fuck, what have I done.
***By the way, I don’t actually know anything about Ian’s family, like if he has a sister or anything. I find it’s very hard to find information on him, so I make some of it up to help my story along. Just so’s you know. :D
Part 17
Ian’s POV
I stood there in a disbelieving state as his cab pulled away, I wanted to run after him but my legs were rooted to the ground. The tears were rolling down my cheeks faster now. What just happened? Where did this all come from? My grief, turned to anger as I got frustrated with myself. Why is he shutting me out?
I felt a hand on my shoulder, “You okay?” I hadn’t even heard the door open or his footsteps behind me. I shook my head, and he walked around in front of me pulling me into a comforting hug. I sank into his shoulder, releasing my pain in the form of tears, soaking his t-shirt.
“You wanna get out of here?” he looked down at me, and I nodded.
“What about-?”
“They’re going to Kyle’s for some more drinks, they’ve already left. I said I wasn’t feeling well either.” He hailed a cab and before I had time to protest he pushed me into the backseat.
He told the cabbie the name of his hotel and we were off, I sat numb, still in shock of what had just happened. Dan’s hand had made its way onto my knee, the warmth of his touch coming through my pants. It moved slowly up my leg but before he could do anything we had arrived at the hotel.
I followed him through the lobby up to his room, he slid his key card in the door and the light flashed green. Grabbing my arm he dragged me into his room, I didn’t protest.
Andy’s POV
I sat at home on my couch, flipping restlessly through the channels of my digital cable. 1000 channels and nothing I wanted to watch, each thing reminding me in some way of Ian. I turned it off angrily, throwing the remote across the room. I glared at my cell phone, it was daring me to call him. I picked it up, flipping through my phone book until Ian’s name was highlighted. I hesitated…and then pushed send.
Ian’s POV
The lights were still off as he guided me deeper into the room, stopping near where the bed was. Hand sliding down my arm and transferring to the small of my back, pulling me up against him. He was already hard in his pants, clearly the anticipation of his victory over me was setting in. I felt his moist lips on my neck, still no words could be formed from my mouth, as I stood mute.
“God, I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered to me as I felt his hands on my chest beginning to unbutton my shirt. Taking his time with the buttons as he continued to leave a soft trail of kissed along my neckline. I groaned giving in to his tender caress, letting my own hands rest lightly on his hips. I was snapped out of my trance like state by something vibrating in my pocket. I lifted out my cell phone to see Andy’s name on the display and for a moment my heart stopped beating. Before I could answer it, Dan pulled it away from me. I reached out to grab it, “No…!” I made another grab for it, but he held me at arm’s length.
He flipped the phone open and I made one last attempt to grab it, “He’s busy. Call back later.” And then he flipped it shut. I stood motionless, afraid to move even though Andrew was on the other side of the city. Sitting on the bed, I ran my fingers through my hair nervously. I felt the bed shift and the warmth of his leg as he sat beside me. “He doesn’t even love you.”
Andy’s POV
I looked at the screen of my phone, “Call Ended. Redial?” I flipped it shut, staring blankly out in front of me. My other hand was a fist so tight that my finger nails began cutting into my palm, a slow trickle of blood making its way down to my wrist.
Well that didn’t take long. I fucking knew it! What a fool I was to actually think that I could be in a relationship with someone. Well I know better now. I got up and began pacing my living room, not sure what to do with myself. Thoughts and images of them together kept popping up in my head no matter how hard I willed their intertwined naked bodies to go away, they wouldn’t. That smug grin on Paille’s face, like he had triumphed over me in some way.
I yelled out in anger and punched my fireplace, feeling my hand crumple on impact with the brick. Ignoring the pain, I slumped on to the floor, crying over the emotional pain that was blocking out any sort of rational thought.
Ian’s POV
“Don’t say that. He does. He just doesn’t show it in front of most people.” I tried to defend us, not wanting to believe what he was saying, “Andy’s…complicated. But I know what he means, and he didn’t mean what he said tonight...” that unsure quiver was back in my voice, “He can’t have meant it.”
“He doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I’ve seen it before. Someone is always more attached than the other, in this case it’s you. You’re making excuses because you don’t want to believe what I’m telling you. Sometimes you have to listen to people who are outside of the relationship, who aren’t being blind to what’s right in front of them. Denial, is not a good thing and it’s best to get over it quickly.” He continued unbuttoning, my half unbuttoned shirt but I swiped his hand away.
“Stop it! You don’t know him like I do. You can’t talk about him like that.”
“I don’t have to. We all know what he’s like. Heard that he’s emotionally closed off, that’s why he’s so up and down with his games. He can’t control it. One day he thinks one thing and the next it’s the complete opposite.” He had begun kissing my neck again, my eyes shut at his touch. He got up and went to the mini bar getting out a couple little bottles of vodka. He handed me two, taking one for himself.
“That’s not him.” But truth was, I had heard this all before from other players. I downed both, one after another, trying to make the dull throb inside of my chest go away. It subsided slightly, but so did my vision and my judgement apparently.
I felt his hands grab the bottles from me and put them on the table, I swayed slightly where I sat before he straddled my lap planting a kiss on my lips. His tongue intruding into my mouth, the sensation was different but not rejected. I’d run out of excuses of why I shouldn’t just sleep with Daniel…at least tonight.
His kiss was hungry and rough, holding the back of my neck and pulling me in as if we weren’t close enough already. “I’ve never been with anyone quite like you, I remember those nights in Halifax so well.” His voice was husky as he ripped off my shirt, tearing off the last couple buttons as he threw it aside.
I pulled off his shirt too, feeling the ripped, muscular chest underneath. His stomach was tighter than Andrew’s, needing a little more fitness for endurance skating. My pants were torn off feverishly next, I assume at one point I took his off too because sooner or later we were both naked.
My hands ran smoothly through his longish brown hair, it was soft and welcoming. And I kissed him again, maybe this would make me forget about tonight. He pushed me down on the bed, biting into my neck, making me grimace. Dan had always liked the rough stuff a little more than I had.
He reached for his pants on the floor pulling a condom from his pocket, stroking me in the mean time getting me harder and harder. I let a finger slide into him and he moaned loudly, my breathing increasing but coming out raspy. I added another as he rolled the condom on me. Another and he cried out at the sensation, gripping my shoulders tightly.
“Fuck me now Ian. I want to feel you inside me right fucking now.” He ordered me around, kneeling on the bed and dropping down on to his elbows. I felt fresh tears running down my face, feeling completely conflicted. Don’t do this, part of me said, the other ordering me to fuck him until I couldn’t physically do it anymore to get back at Andrew for the unexpected attack. I shut them out and grabbing onto his hips, I thrust roughly into him.
He cried out again, relaxing his muscles almost immediately. I continued thrusting as he moaned beneath me, hot tears still coming down my face. “Harder!” he growled and I obliged, taking my anger out on him. “Come on fuck me harder Ian!”
I rammed myself into him and felt him wince underneath me, finally shutting him up. Faster and faster I went until I came and he soon after. I flopped down on the bed, pulling out of him. I lay breathing heavily, shuddering as I cried, not feeling any kind of relief.
“Why are you crying? That wasn’t so bad was it?”
I turned on to my side, facing away from him, disgusted with myself. Why did I think that was going to fucking work. Fuck, I’m such an idiot. Now, he’s really never going to forgive me. I broke down completely, Dan rubbing my back trying to comfort me.
Andy’s POV
I hadn’t slept at all that night, the pale light of morning shining through my window and the pain in my hand finally making me aware of its presence. It throbbed, swollen and bleeding all over the place as I sat on the ground where I had collapsed, deep in thought. I looked down at it through red eyes, I could see a fragment of knuckle bone peaking through my torn skin at me, teasing me for my moment of frustration.
Ian’s POV
The next morning I showered quickly and dressed before Dan woke up. I didn’t want to talk to him, furious at both him and myself. I took a taxi back to my apartment, flopping down on my couch and staring at the cell phone in front of me. I picked it up and hesitantly dialled Andrew’s number. I had to talk to him.
Andrew’s POV
I sat in the trainer’s medical room, as he examined my hand shaking his head. I cried out as he stretched my fingers slowly.
“What the hell is the matter with you Andrew? If ever there was anyone who shouldn’t break their hand, it’s the goalie. What were you thinking? Maurice is going to slaughter you.”
I spoke through gritted teeth as he tried mopping up my hand, ripping away the broken skin to get a better look at the damage, “I’ll be fine by the time the season begins…and I don’t really care what the fuck Maurice does.”
The trainer shook his head sadly, “This is really bad Andrew. The tendon has been severed completely here on your index finger, and you’ve crushed your knuckles. We might need to do surgery to fix this up.” He looked at me hesitantly, “You might not have the same range of motion that you’re used to when we’re done.”
I looked down at the floor, a pit in my stomach of unease. Great. As if my game didn’t suffer enough, I have a further excuse for my inconsistencies. I let out a deep sigh, wishing I had someone here to hold my unbroken hand through all this.
Just then my phone rang, I screened it, looking at the display. Ian’s name glowed there on the screen, staring me down. I put the phone back in my pocket, I didn’t want to talk to him, Not after last night. Not after that call.
The trainer looked at me, “Girl troubles hm? If I had a dollar for everytime a guy came in here with some sort of injury for taking their anger out on a wall or a doorframe because of their girlfriend…”
***Bah, that’s all I can do right now. My fingers hurt from typing, I’m done for now. And sorry to those Buffalo fans, I have nothing against Dan Paille, but someone had to be that bad guy and he was convenient *hugs Dan*