SVT #61 - Jessica the Nerd
On the cover, Jessica looks quite content to be surrounded by every stereotypical type of nerd. I am most disturbed by the two guys in the front, especially the guy on her left wearing pleated pants. He’s giving her a creepy smile and looks like his hand is inching toward her leg. There’s also a kid on her right who’s wearing what has to be the thickest glasses known to man, has a slightly caveman-looking face, and a shirt that reads E=MC^2. What parent allows their kid to go out wearing a shirt that is just asking for a facepunch? Good Sweet Valley parenting, as usual.
Everyone at SVMS is taking a science aptitude test to see who’s genius enough to be in SOAR, which stands for Science Offers Awesome Rewards! Apparently, SOAR is a two-week program of intensive science study. I’m not exactly sure when during the day it takes place or what classes the SOAR participants will miss for the two weeks, but hey, it’s not like Sweet Valley is known for its rigorous academic programs.
Jessica think it’s a nerd detector test. This assessment is on target. I mean, have you seen the cover? Nerd #1, Elizabeth Wakefield, is excited about the test. When they start taking the test, Jessica is surprised to discover that the questions are just like little puzzles and she actually knows the answers. This sort of proves that while Jessica may be, at times, book smart, she’s not always smart smart, since she doesn’t want to be in SOAR yet tries to do well on the test.
At the Unicorner during lunch, Lila questions why they had to take a test to find out who the nerds are. Ellen suggests they just look for guys with pocket protectors. Other suggestions: look for guys with shirts that say “Physics is your friend” or those rocking highwater pants. Jess says she didn’t think the test was hard, and everyone is surprised. Ellen says she didn’t know the answers so she instead drew a really nice dot picture on the scantron. During the conversation, Janet is checking out Denny Jacobson, an 8th grader she thinks is gorgeous. Jess wants to talk about important Unicorn business: the Boosters routine during the district basketball tournament. Apparently, Amy is putting together a solo baton number. The Unicorns agree that Amy is a better twirler than them, but only because they have more of a social life.
The results are in for the SOAR aptitude test. Jessica tells Lila that SOAR probably stands for Seriously Obnoxious And Repulsive. Personally, I think SOAR could stand for Social Outcasts, Awkward Rejects. The names are called. You have your typical nerds… and then Jessica’s name is called! Even the teacher is shocked. Jessica tells the class that there must be a mistake because only geeks like science.
After class, Winston congratulations Jessica by telling her, “You’re one of us now.” She is not flattered.
Amy does not get into SOAR. She’s pissed, especially since Jessica somehow managed to get in. She blows off Liz and tears down the hall to sulk.
At Boosters practice that afternoon, the Unicorns talk about how embarrassing it is that Jessica got into SOAR. Apparently, Denny also got into SOAR, but Janet says this is okay because guys are supposed to like science. Janet shakes her nail file at Jessica and tells her that she has the Unicorn’s reputation to consider. The Unicorns agree they’ll find a way to get Jessica out of SOAR.
At dinner that night, Liz excitedly tells the family that she and Jess got into SOAR. This upsets Jess because now that her parents know, she’ll never be able to get out of it. Steven the Dumbass asks why the twins get to take flying lessons. When he’s told what SOAR actually is, he’s shocked because he thinks that girls aren’t good at science. Steven says that guys are naturally superior at some things and asks Mr. Wakefield to agree with him. Mr. Wakefield says he doesn’t want to be dragged into this argument.
One of the things Steven thinks he and guys in general are naturally better at is ping pong. The Wakefields recently got a ping pong table, and Steven’s been beating everyone at it.
The next day, everyone’s talking about SOAR. Amy lies and says she’s glad she didn’t get in because it sounds dull and that they should call is BORE. Jessica agrees, pointing out that the Unicorns will be publicly humiliated because she’s in it.
In the girls bathroom, the Unicorns discuss ways to get Jess out of SOAR. Ellen suggests that Jessica transfer to another school for two weeks. Lila suggests that Jess should pretend to be sick for two weeks. Meanwhile, Jessica puts makeup on in the bathroom; it’s part of a new Earth Tones line called Magic Mud. It contains genuine mud! And, it’s blush, lipgloss, and eyeshadow all in one. (And she’s supposed to be the smart Unicorn??) When everyone leaves the bathroom, Jess realizes that the Magic Mud is turning into Magic Cement, as her cheeks are the color and texture of brownies. She scrubs it off.
That evening, Jess and Liz are watching TV when they hear muffled groans coming from the basement. Apparently, Steven is down there with his girlfriend, Cathy. Now, I’m not implying anything, but Steven does manage to get one girl pregnant later in the series. Anyway, Liz and Jess rush down there… and it turns out they’re just playing ping pong. Cathy is destroying Steven, and he’s furious!
The next day, at the first SOAR meeting, a robot comes in to present the teacher to the class. Mr. Baker is like no other teacher the twins have seen. The ghostwriter takes care to describe him as a nerd. He’s super old, wears sky blue high top sneakers and a matching tie painted with pictures of fluffy white clouds. He also has wild silvery-gray hair and thick glasses. Jessica asks Liz if she thinks the teacher is insane. Mr. Baker says the robot who introduced him is named Tobor, which Jessica immediately deduces is robot spelled backward. She is not impressed.
Mr. Baker asks Jess and Liz to sit next to each other and gives them raincoats to wear. He asks the class if they drop a big and small water balloon at the same time, which one will drop faster. Jess’s hypothesis is that the bigger balloon, which is above her, will fall faster. Mr. Baker tries to excite her and says that if Jessica’s hypothesis is correct, he’ll let her wear a crumpled green cap with the words “SOAR Superstar” on the front. Jess says no. The balloons fall at the same time, and Jess get soaked.
At the Unicorner, the girls expect Jess to complain about SOAR, but she’s embarrassed to admit that she actually had fun. She even lent one of the nerds her favorite purple pen! Janet asks Jess if Denny said anything interesting. Jessica didn’t notice. Mary, the only Unicorn with sense, suggests that Jess just stick out the two weeks and try to learn something interesting. Janet says who cares if Jessica learns anything; she has to get out of that geek asylum!
Aaron Dallas, Jessica’s sort-of boyfriend, makes his way over to the table. Jess wonders if he’ll want to be seen with her once he finds out that she got into SOAR. To her surprise, Aaron congratulates Jess on getting into SOAR and points out that she also knows as much as him about basketball. Jessica says she knows more than Aaron about basketball. Aaron laughs and goes outside to play basketball with Jake and Bruce (because even in middle school, Bruce can’t hang out with people his own age). Janet is appalled by Jessica’s behavior and tells Jess that she should never tell a guy that she’s better at something than he is. Janet says that if Jess lets Aaron know she’s better than he is, it’ll ruin their relationship, and that’s why SOAR is so dangerous. Jessica points out that Denny got into SOAR and Janet didn’t; Janet says this is different because Denny’s the guy. Mary is appalled that Janet is telling Jess to act stupid for a guy. Lila points out that it’s also for the sake of their reputations, and Ellen adds that it’s not hard to act dumb. Ellen, with you it’s not an act. Jess whines that she could have gone her whole life without knowing she was smart and that she was a lot happier when she was dumb.
The next day in SOAR, they talk about life on Venus. Jess makes a brilliant statement about how life could have evolved to survive on such a hot planet, and Mr. Baker rewards her with the SOAR Superstar hat. By the time the class ends, Jessica is late for a Unicorn meeting.
She’s clearly not missing much, because when Jessica arrives, Lila and Janet are arguing over whether Mega Mousse or Super Spray is better. The Unicorns start talking about Jessica’s science lesson that day on the greenhouse effect, and Janet asks if Jessica’s nerd disease is spreading. When Janet asks Jess if she likes Mega Mousse or Super Spray better, Jessica suggests they do an experiment - which she quickly claims she read about in a magazine instead of her science class.
The next afternoon, Amy, Jess, and Liz are doing homework at the Wakefield house. The nerd disease is definitely spreading. Amy’s upset and worried about her baton routine. She suddenly gets mad and doesn’t want to study with Liz anymore because they’re not even in the same classes. Oh, the days of junior high when two weeks seemed like forever. Anyway, Amy throws a hissy fit, tells Liz to never talk about SOAR again, and runs out.
Jessica then begins to freak out because it’s quarter to six and the phone hasn’t even rung once, which means she’s a social outcast! She decides to call Lila before her reputation is completely destroyed. Lila informs Jessica that it’s Ellen’s birthday and all the Unicorns gave her presents during lunch, when Jess was at the planetarium with SOAR. Jessica immediately calls Ellen, who says she has to get off the phone and do her science homework. Jess knows this is a lie because Ellen tried to get out of a lab project on fruit flies once by claiming she was allergic to bananas. Jess knows her social life is over because Ellen, of all people, was making fun of her.
At SOAR the next day, Mr. Baker tells Jess that the principal wants to see her. Jess worries that she’ll miss the trip to the Museum of Natural History, but Mr. Baker says they’ll wait for her. Jessica assumes the principal wants to see her because she and Lila had a hairspray war in the locker room after gym class a while ago. However, Mr. Clark thinks Jessica cheated on the SOAR exam. Jess is mad and offended. She offers to retake the test in his office right then to prove her innocence, but Mr. Clark says that won’t be necessary and lets her continue with SOAR.
At Casey’s that afternoon, the Unicorns act cool toward Jessica. The Nerd Herd walks by and asks Jessica how she liked the apatasaurus at the museum. The Unicorns are horrified that the nerds stopped at their table! Jess tells the Unicorns how the principal accused her of cheating. Lila and Janet are furious and explain that they’re the ones who sent the principal an anonymous letter saying that Jess had cheated, trying to give her a way to get out of the program (yes, because this method has no consequences…). At this point, Denny comes over to their table and, ignoring Janet’s advances toward him, he starts teasing Jessica about winning the SOAR Superstar cap yet again. After Denny leaves, Janet, feeling snubbed, tells Jess that she has to choose between SOAR and the Unicorns. Jessica is given two days to decide.
Jess talks about this impossible decision with Liz, who tells Jess that the non-Unicorns are more like her than she realizes. Jessica says that’s why she’s afraid of.
The next day, Liz, Maria, and Sophia decide to invite Amy to a sleepover because she hasn’t been talking to any of them.
That afternoon at SOAR, they’re planting trees and Jessica thinks about her impending decision. The class ends, but the trees aren’t fully planted, so everyone decides to stay late until they’re finished. Right at the end, Jessica realizes she’s missing a basketball game that the Boosters are cheering at! Jess starts crying and talks about her problems with Mr. Baker.
At the sleepover that night, Sophia, Maria, and Liz sit around talking about SOAR. Amy never shows up and won’t talk to them on the phone when they call her repeatedly. I feel like this book highlights the upcoming schism between Liz and Amy and shows how Amy is becoming more like Jess.
Steven and Cathy have a ping pong rematch. Steven wins and gloats about it, but Cathy admits to the twins that she let him win because it meant more to him. Steven starts referring to himself as “the king of ping.”
At the Unicorn meeting on Saturday, Jessica enacts the plan that she and Mr. Baker came up with. Jessica says without science, they wouldn’t be able to curl their hair or watch TV or have makeup. She also points out that scientists may even one day find a cure for zits! Mandy says that without science, her cancer would not have been miraculously cured! Jessica then gives Ellen her late birthday present, an expensive purple wallet. Ellen pleads with Jess to stay in the Unicorns because she gave the best present. The rest of the Unicorns say it’s okay for Jess to be in both SOAR and the Unicorns, but Janet says no and kicks Jess out.
The Ping King starts harassing Jess about playing ping pong with him. Jess, who’s in no mood to listen to him, tells Steven that Cathy let him win. Steven is devastated. He thinks about what a jerk he’s been since he won. Jessica says that Cathy probably already knew he was a jerk.
All three Wakefield kids mope about the house. Jess complains that she has to give up being a Unicorn for a lifetime for one lousy class. Steven is shocked that she is planning to be a Unicorn as an adult. Jess says, “Once a Unicorn, always a Unicorn.” Except, of course, when you get to high school and being a Unicorn is never mentioned again.
Mandy stops over to see Jess. Apparently, after Jess left the Unicorn meeting, Janet started crying because she’s jealous and thinks that Denny likes Jess because she’s in SOAR. Jess says that Denny’s an 8th grader and would never date a 6th grader. (Yet a college student might be okay with dating one…) Mandy and Jess realize that if Janet knew Jessica wasn’t interested in Denny, she’d let her back in the Unicorns.
On Monday morning, Jessica approaches Denny about asking out Janet. Denny admits that he likes Janet, though I don’t know why.
When class gets out, before Denny has a chance to ask Janet out, Janet pulls Jessica into the girls bathroom and says she wants Jess back in the Unicorns. Janet shares her sob story about how her dad and brother couldn’t fix their new VCR and told Janet to stay away because it was a man’s job and too technical for a girl. (This parenting is worse than the Wakefield parenting) Janet eventually tried to fix it, but she couldn’t either and they ended up paying the 7 year old across the street to do it. Point is, girls are not worse at science than guys are because they use hot curlers, telephones, and hair dryers.
At the basketball game that afternoon, Amy bursts through the gym doors cartwheeling and does the most amazing baton toss that anyone has ever seen! She’s happy again.
In the locker room after the game, Jess enacts her plan of revenge on Janet and suggests that Janet use her Magic Mud. Lila says that Denny’s outside and wants to ask Janet something.
Tying up the last loose end, Steven and Cathy have another rematch, this time for real. Everyone’s on the edge of their seat, except for Lila, who goes upstairs to watch TV. Cathy wins.
The next week at school, Liz says she misses SOAR. Catch the next adventure as they paint murals for the library in SVT #62, Sarah’s Dad and Sophia’s Mom