SVT Super Edition #9 - The Twins go to College

[tommckayisgay]

I was all set to recap another SVU book - and then I got my hands on this. As soon as I read the back, I knew I had no choice in the matter; this book desperately needed to be recapped. In The Twins go to College, Jess and Liz are headed off to a two-week study program at SVU the summer after 6th grade. And because there is no possible way I could top what is written on the back of the book, let me paste it for you all to see, word for word:

Elizabeth is thrilled to study Romantic poetry. And when she meets Ethan Williams, a totally cute teaching assistant, she has the feeling that the class will be even more romantic than she thought. But Ethan is a college student… way too old for Elizabeth. Or is he?

YES!!!! A college student is too old to date a sixth grader, damnit!!

I chose to quote that verbatim because there is absolutely nothing I can say to make it worse. Maybe Ethan is Mr. Collins’ cousin or something. They do both have the hots for young, blonde, twin California girls from Sweet Valley.


The school year ended a few days ago, so Jess and Lila have spent their day at the mall. They’re walking back to the Wakefield’s house and discussing what they want to do and not do over the summer; Jessica says she wants to do everything except go to school. While chatting, Jessica runs into the mailman, who ends up dropping the mail all over the sidewalk. She apologizes and he says it’s fine and that most of the mail is for the Wakefields anyway (I mean, who else is worth writing to? Maybe they’re judging the reader of the month contests…), so he just hands Jessica her family’s mail. Jessica sees that there are letters for her and Liz from Sweet Valley University and she suddenly remembers that months ago, they’d applied for a two-week summer study program at the university. Her heart sinks. The mailman notices her expression and asks Jess if her boyfriend’s dumping her. WTF??

Liz is much more excited to see the envelope from SVU. They open it and find out that yes, they are indeed accepted into the program. Jessica thinks it’s going to suck, but Liz tries to cheer her up, telling her (and the reader) about the program: each student gets to take one class that they’ve picked from a long list of classes, and students come from all over the country to participate. Plus, they get to live in the dorms. Jess is not amused. Lila rubs in the fact that she’ll be at the beach in a new swimsuit while Jess is hanging out with geeks.

That night, Jessica complains about the summer program to her parents, hoping they’ll agree she doesn’t have to go. But Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield tell her that she’s going to love SVU as much as they did. Then they start reminiscing about the fun they had at college. Jessica says that she’s not going and they can’t make her go. Mr. Wakefield says, “Oh but we can.” So Jess promises to read three books over the summer if she doesn’t have to go. And then the parents drop the bombshell that they’re going to the Grand Canyon while the twins are gone (Steven will be at basketball camp) and that it’ll be like a second honeymoon for them and no kids are welcome. Considering that the twins just found out about the summer program, what the hell were Ned and Alice going to do if Jess and Liz hadn’t been accepted?!?

The Unicorns come over to cheer Jess up and give her a sympathy card mourning the loss of her summer. Amy comes over to hang out with Liz, too, and discuss all the interesting classes Liz must choose between. Now, I’m no expert at running a summer study program, but it seems like it would have been much smarter to have the prospective students select a class to take before admitting them. Then they could have known what to bring! And what subject they’d be studying! But then again, this is Sweet Valley. I don’t know. Liz thinks Romantic Poetry sounds good and hopes it won’t be filled up by the time she arrives.

Finally Jess starts to get excited when one of the Unicorns flips through the brochure and notices there are dorm rooms, game rooms, pools, coffee shops, nearby malls… in short, it’s gonna be awesome.

Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield drive the twins to SVU and instead of registering them immediately, they drag the girls all over campus while reminiscing about their college years. Jess, who’s decided to take ceramics, is worried that the class will be filled up by the time she enrolls, and Liz is worried about the same for her class, but do their parents care? Hell no! This is Ned and Alice! Instead, they want to find the music room where they’d gone to some poetry reading back in the day.

FINALLY, the parents leave. Good grief, I was tired of them and I only had to read about it. The classes Jess and Liz wanted were still open, so they register and then head up to their dorm rooms in Woodbridge Hall.

Liz’s roommate is named Marion Hobart, so Jess expects her to be a dork, but when they open the door, the twins are shocked to discover that… Marion looks just like them! (I know, I know - another lookalike?) Jess starts wondering if maybe they’re triplets and their parents couldn’t afford to keep all three of them, so they let Marion be adopted. I would laugh about this, but… well, it sounds like the kind of parenting we’ve come to expect from Ned and Alice.

Then, Marion explains - she’s not really that identical to them; she’s just making them think she is! Marion is a pro at making herself look like someone she’s not, including having the talent to mimic another person’s facial expressions (which is why she looked so much like the twins). Suddenly Jess and Liz are able to see minor differences between themselves and Marion.

Then Jess heads down the hall to meet her own roommate, Susan Rainer. Susan is immediately a bitch to Jessica, simpering about her clothing and saying that Jess must be a child, living in Sweet Valley, while Susan lives in L.A. and appreciates things like jazz. What 12 year old says this stuff??

Liz and Marion talk about what they’re studying for the next two weeks. Liz is excited about poetry; Marion is studying criminology and wants to be a detective. Liz asks if Marion reads the Amanda Howard mystery novels and Marion says that she used to when she was younger, but the books just frustrate her now because Christine Davenport (the sleuth in the books) uses so many outdated techniques.

Liz and Marion decide to go get milkshakes, so they head down to Jessica’s room and invite her and Susan. Susan yawns and says there’s nothing better to do, so she tags along. When Susan leaves the table, Jessica tries to convince Liz to switch rooms with her. Liz refuses. Then Jess tries to convince Marion to switch rooms with her. She also refuses. Then a cute boy named Mike comes to their table and introduces himself. Jess is suddenly happy. He says he’s from Oregon (maybe he knows Jeffrey?) and is a Nature Scout; they’re leaving for a canoe trip in a few days. But then Susan returns to the table, throws herself at Mike, flirts like crazy, and drags him away from the rest of the group. Jessica is furious at her roommate again.

That evening, Liz goes for a walk around campus by herself. She spies the big clock tower and thinks of a line of poetry. Because she’s a gigantic dork, Liz decides to yell this line of poetry, as if she were in a play or something. So she stretches out her arms and shouts dramatically, “I stood on the bridge at midnight, when the clocks were striking the hour.”

A boy appears behind her and says he recognizes the poem as being by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. He says it’s one of his personal favorites. Liz is flustered that he heard her and, moreover, recognized the poem. The two of them talk poetry for a bit, telling each other their favorite poets and poems, quoting them. And then the boy leaves - without telling Liz his name. She pretty much swoons over him and hopes she’ll see him again because she’s never before met a boy interested in poetry.

Later, in the dorms, Susan is rude to Jessica again and calls her “kid.” Liz tells Marion about the mystery boy; Marion offers to use her sleuthing powers to find out who he is, but only if Liz pays her. Then Jessica bursts into the room and complains that the RA refuses to let her change rooms.

Monday morning, classes begin. Jessica goes to her ceramics class and discovers that there are lots of good-looking guys taking the class. She notices that a lot of them seem to be looking at her. The teacher tells them that to pass the class, they’ll need to complete a lot of projects. Jessica says that it doesn’t look very hard, so the teacher invites her to demonstrate at the front of the class. She takes the bait… and then has a terrible time controlling the wheel. It spins too fast, clay splatters all over her, and everyone starts laughing.

In Liz’s class, all the students are sitting around, waiting for the teacher to arrive. Liz asks the girl next to her who her favorite poet it, and the girl says any poet is fine, so long as the poem’s romantic and the guy who wrote it is “foxy.” Then, the girl shows Liz a card that her boyfriend gave her last week. Inside, there’s a poem that reads, My darling, Snow isn’t purer than your heart / A flower isn’t brighter than your face. Love always, Marty. Um, right.

Then, the teacher enters. He introduces himself as Ethan Williams…. And Liz recognizes him as the guy she met the night before while shouting poetry! One of the other students is skeptical of him because he looks young, so Ethan explains, “During the academic year I’m a student here at SVU. But I’m also a TA, teaching assistant, and part of what I do is teach enrichment classes like this when summer comes around.” Ethan’s eyes scan the room, and Liz feels sure that he recognizes her. Liz starts thinking about what Marion said about changing the way you look, and she wonders if there is a way to make Ethan think she’s older - old enough to date him.

After class, Jess wanders down the hall and accidentally stumbles into a gallery. She runs into an old woman there, who shows Jessica a ceramic “curse pot”. She explains that if you create an imperfect pot, etch the face of one’s enemy into the pot, then draw in evil signs, when you fire the pot, the enemy’s spirit will be trapped inside the pot. Jessica stares at the pot, then squeezes her eyes closed, and when she opens them, the woman is gone. Confused and scared, Jess starts running to get out of the exhibit and accidentally crashes into a guy about her age who was pushing a cart filled with pottery. Some of the ceramics shatter, and the guy is not happy. He chews her out and Jessica thinks that this is the worst day of her life. Don’t worry, Jess - you’ll deal with worse when you get older.

Liz grills Marion that evening about how to go about becoming a different person. Marion advises that she needs to wear different clothes (duh), speak using different words, and remember to go by a different name (duh). I don’t know why Marion is studying at SVU - she’s clearly a genius. Liz actually takes notes about Marion’s suggestions and decides her new, older persona will be named Geraldine. Marion asks what Liz is up to and she says nothing.

Liz heads to a boutique to buy clothes for “Geraldine”. She decides that Geraldine will wrinkle her nose a lot and say the phrases “My, my” and “Indeed”. She tells the saleswoman that she’s eighteen and buys high heels, makeup, clothes, etc.

Meanwhile, Jessica has returned to her dorm room, still covered in clay splatters, and Susan makes fun of her. Jessica decides to run away from SVU because she can’t handle it any more and packs up her duffle bag. She goes to the bus stop but has missed the last bus to her neighborhood. She stomps down the street, trying to figure out an alternative form of transportation… and then Jess catches sight of Liz teetering out of a boutique, wearing high heels, a grown-up dress, and a ridiculous amount of makeup. Jessica decides that to forget going home because it’ll be more interesting to stick around and see what Liz is up to.

Liz, dressed as Geraldine, goes up to Ethan in the snack bar and purrs, “Hello.” (The book actually says she purrs this!) He asks if he knows her and Liz says, “No, indeed. But I believe I know you. My, um, sister has spoken of you.” Ethan grins. For a moment, I think he’s figured out the ruse and is going to call her out on it, but then he says, “You’re Elizabeth’s sister, right? Elizabeth, um, Wakefield. Her older sister.” Here is more of their painful conversation:

Liz: That’s right! I’m Geraldine. Indeed.
Ethan: Indeed. Have a seat, um - Geraldine.
Liz: Thank you so much. I’m eighteen, by the way.
Ethan: I see. Well, pleased to meet you, Geraldine. Your, um, sister is quite a kid.
Liz: Oh indeed. She just loves your class. Poetry is practically her life, you know.

Ethan asks if Liz writes poetry and “Geraldine” says yes, but her own is so much better. She asks if Ethan would like to see it sometime. Ethan says yes and suggests that she also bring along some of Liz’s work. Liz suggests they get together Wednesday night. Ethan agrees and says she should bring Liz, too, because he wants to see her outside the formalities of class. “Geraldine” says that Liz is busy.

Jess pounces on Liz when she returns to the dorm, demanding to know who the guy was and what’s up with her ridiculous outfit. Liz refuses to tell Jess anything, and Jess wonders when Liz grew a backbone.

The next day in class, Jess makes a pot out of clay that actually looks decent. The professor tells her to decorate it, so Jess etches Susan’s face on it to make a curse pot, wanting Susan to disappear.

In Liz’s class, Ethan asks to speak with her. He compliments her on her first essay, then tells her that he met her sister, Geraldine. Liz says she has two sisters, Geraldine and Jessica, and Geraldine mentioned that she’d met Ethan and thought he was “kind of cool”.

”Kind of cool?” Ethan chuckled. “Story of my life, Elizabeth. Kind of cool.” He leaned against the blackboard. “Oh, Ethan,” he said, waving his hand dismissively in the air. “He’s kind of cool. But not very.”

Is it just me or is he totally flirting with Liz here??? Inappropriate. Anyway, Liz says she didn’t meant it like that and that “kind of cool” is really a great compliment. Ethan asks Liz if she really is busy the next night because he really wants her to come along with Geraldine. Liz says yes, sorry.

Jessica stays late in class to finish her curse pot. When she finally leaves, she runs into the guy whose cart shed knocked over earlier. They’re both in much better moods and apologize for their behavior the other day. The guy is really cute (of course) and introduces himself as Bernard. She goes to the kiln with him to fire the pottery.

At dinner, Jessica, Liz, and Marion are eating and discussing the day, wondering where Susan is, when Bernard joins them. He tells Jess that her pot came out of the kiln and looks awesome.

In their dorm room, Marion catches Liz off guard and gets her to admit that “Geraldine” is trying to impress Ethan.

Susan is still gone when Jessica wakes up the next morning. Jess thinks it’s weird.

After class, Bernard approaches Jessica to show her the finished pot. He also invites her to lunch.

Meanwhile, at the end of Liz’s class, Ethan once again asks Liz if she’ll join him and Geraldine that night. She says she can’t but that she’s sure hell love Geraldine. Ethan says, “She told me she likes poems a lot. Don’t tell her I said so, Elizabeth, but I think you use words that are more, you know, down-to-earth. A lot of people think the Romantics were flowery and wrote fancy-schmantzy poetry with lots of obscure words, but if you look at the time when they were writing and all… End of lecture. Anyway, she says ‘My, my!’ a lot, and ‘Indeed!’ even more, and it’s hard to imagine her writing good poetry, is all.”

Hehe. Liz turns red and thinks maybe she’d laid on the “My, my!” stuff too thick. Ethan asks if Liz wants to have lunch with him. DUDE, YOU’RE HER TEACHER!! SET BOUNDARIES!!! Liz says she can’t. She wants to, but she’s scared that if she has lunch with Ethan now and talks about poetry, she won’t have anything left to discuss with him when she meets him that night as “Geraldine”.

Jess has lunch with Bernard in the cafeteria, which is a madhouse despite all the Nature Scouts being gone on their trip. Then she hits the pool and the mall, and when she returns to her room after dinner, Susan still isn’t back. She reaches into the pocket of her jacket and discovers a piece of paper that wasn’t there earlier. Opening it, Jess discovers that it’s a poem, Ode to Blue-Green Eyes. Jess assumes it must be from Bernard and that he must have dropped the poem in her pocket at lunch. Here it is:

O blue-green eyes, that have such wondrous charms!
O hair of gold, O lovely smile so free,
Would that I might find refuge in thy arms
Or, barring that, in mind’s embrace with thee…

One guess who wrote it and who it was intended for.

The Resident Advisor then walks into Jessica’s room, looking for Susan. Jess says she hasn’t seen her since yesterday morning, and the RA chews her out for not being aware of Susan’s whereabouts. As if that’s her responsibility! The RA leaves to go report it to campus security. Jessica feels guilty, thinking about the curse pot she made, and wonders if it caused Susan to disappear. She decides she needs to talk to Liz about this… and finds Liz in the snack bar, all glammed up and hanging with some guy.

The guy, of course, is Ethan, and he’s thrilled to see who he thinks is Liz. The real Liz is not so happy to see Jess, though. To convey to Jess who she needs to pretend to be, Liz-as-Geraldine says, “Elizabeth?” Jess looks shocked, so Liz continues, “Oh, Elizabeth. What a joker, ha ha ha. I was just showing Ethan, here, some of the poetry you wrote.”

Jess notices that Ethan can’t keep his eyes off her. He compliments Jess-as-Liz on her poetry. Jess says thanks. Noticing that Liz is motioning for her to play along, Jess adds that it was an easy one to write and that she cranked it out in a couple of minutes. Ethan is surprised. Liz-as-Geraldine says that Jess-as-Liz is just kidding and that it takes “Liz” longer than that to write a poem. Ethan tells “Geraldine” that some of the Romantics wrote quickly, so it’s not ridiculous for “Liz” to have written poems in a short period of time. Jess thinks that Liz is going to owe her BIG TIME for this favor of pretending to be her. Then Jess tells Liz that speaking of poetry, someone put a poem in her pocket. Ethan grins and says, “Was it, um, an ode to something in particular? Like eyes, for example?” Jess nods, and Liz tells Ethan that they both have to go and will see him later.

Liz is furious with Jessica for appearing while she was on a “date” with Ethan and making her look like a doofus. Jess says sorry but she has an emergency - her curse pot made Susan disappear! Jessica wants to find the old woman who told her about curse pots and ask what to do. Liz refuses to go along, but then Jess tells Liz that if she doesn’t help, Jess will tell Ethan the truth about “Geraldine.” So, Liz agrees to go with her.

They go to the ceramics building, but there’s no one around and the building’s locked. Marion appears, saying she’s been following them for a while and that their secret is safe with her. She picks the lock on the door to the ceramics room and they go inside. Jess leads them to the original curse pot so they can see it… and then a guard comes by, having heard a noise and wanting to find intruders. They hold their breaths, and the guard decides it must be rats. The girls dash out of there.

The next morning, Bernard finds Jess and asks if she’s heard the news: someone broke into the ceramics building last night and stole the curse pot! Jess is floored because she was the one who broke into the room, but she didn’t steal the pot. Bernard says that pot in particular isn’t really valuable, but it’s the only thing that was stolen. Jess thinks it can’t be just a coincidence. She describes the old woman to Bernard and asks if he knows who she’s talking about. He says yes, the woman’s an artist named Hatta and she lives on a nearby river. Bernard says he’ll get more information about the woman for Jess, but only if she eats lunch with him again today. Jess agrees.

After class, Liz approaches Ethan and apologizes for “her” behavior last night, saying she doesn’t know why she was so “dithery” and that she hopes “she” didn’t ruin his night with Geraldine. Ethan says no, it was fine. He says he enjoyed reading both Geraldine’s and Liz’s poems and that he hopes Liz liked his as well. Liz is confused and he prompts, “Ode to Blue-Green… Well, never mind.” Liz wonders what he’s talking about but thinks the title sounds familiar. Ethan says he has three tickets to a concert that night and wants Geraldine and Liz to go with him. Liz says she can’t, but Ethan insists, so Liz agrees, thinking that she’ll have to once again involve Jess and that she’ll REALLY owe her!

Jessica finds Liz and says she has the old woman’s address and they have to go see her now because there’s a bus leaving soon. Liz says she’ll go with Jess but only if Jess promises to pretend to be Liz again that night and go out with her and Ethan.

Liz and Jess arrive at Hatta’s, and she serves them tea and sandwiches. They spy the original curse pot in Hatta’s house and she says that of course she has it, she made the pot after all. Hatta says she loaned the pot to the gallery and wanted it back; she used her key to get into the building and take it. She says she forgot to leave a note - oops. Worst explanation ever, BTW.

Anyway, Jess tells Hatta that the curse pot inspired her to make her own curse pot. Hatta says “Oh, dear” and that she’ll think about whether there’s a way to reverse the curse.

Later, Liz and Jess are hanging out in Liz’s room, talking about the day with Marion when the phone rings. It’s Ethan, calling to say he got an extra ticket to the concert and he wants Liz to bring along Jessica, too! This guy is going through Wakefields faster than Bruce Patman. Anyway, Liz sputters that Jess can’t join them… but Ethan insists. So Marion says she’d LOVE to go, and it’s settled. Liz will go as Geraldine, Jess will go as Liz, and Marion will go as Jessica. Isn’t it so convenient that there are Wakefield lookalikes everywhere?!?

They all head to the concert, and Ethan positions himself between Geraldine and Liz. They keep up the ruse for a short while - and then Bernard arrives! Turns out, Bernard and Ethan are friends, and Ethan invited Jess along so she and Bernard could be together. Ethan introduces Bernard to the people he thinks are Liz and Geraldine, and Bernard tells Ethan that he needs to get his eyes checked because Marion-as-Jessica is not Jessica. Ethan starts getting confused, and Marion-as-Jessica insists that she is Jessica. Then, all three “sisters” pretend to come down with food poisoning or something, clutching their stomachs, and leave.

Back in Liz’s dorm room, the three girls talk about what was the “disaster of the century” - their short night at the concert. Jess discovers another poem in her pocket, this one called On First Gazing into Her Kindly Face. Here’s the first stanza, which Liz reads out loud:

Ah, sweet vale of knowledge! How oft have I strayed,
All weary with love, down thy pathways and bowers?
‘Tis truly a college which learning hath made.
Yet never learned I of the scent of the flowers -
Nor the green of the thickets, the birds in their place,
Till that night on the bridge when I first saw her face.

Liz starts putting two-and-two together and thinks maybe Ethan wrote this. Ya think? Marion pulls out one of Liz’s essays for her poetry class and compares Ethan’s handwriting on her test to the handwriting on the poem - yep, it’s the same. Jess wonders why Ethan would have dropped these poems in her pocket. Check out how dumb Liz is:

”Because he has a crush on you,” Elizabeth said sadly. He must have put the poem in the pocket when they were in the auditorium, she decided. Now that she thought about it, she’d seen Ethan’s arm snaking over behind Jessica and -

“No, dummy.” Marion sighed heavily. “He has a crush on you.”

This surprises Liz. Marion tells Liz that though she’s book smart, she’s not smart smart. Ha! Then Marion explains (in case we really don’t get it) that Ethan gave Jess the poems because he thought she was Liz and that the poems are about his feelings for Liz.

The next day after class, Ethan pulls Liz aside and says he has to talk to her about Geraldine. Liz says she’s sorry they all got so sick so suddenly at the concert. Ethan says, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t stay. I was there for one reason only, and it wasn’t the concert. No. Listen, Elizabeth. I know Geraldine likes me and all, but… she’s too old for me.”

Ethan reveals that he’s only sixteen. His explanation: “I was… kind of a genius, and they kept passing me through the grades. As I look back, I’d have been better off with kids my own age instead of skipping all the time, but… I don’t advertise it exactly, but I’m younger than you think.” Liz says that she thinks Geraldine will be OK. Then Ethan says, “There’s something else too. The one I was interested in all the time was, well, not to put too fine a point on it, um - you. And I hope my poems weren’t too embarrassing for you to read. It’s just that… that words are how I express myself, and, um, I guess you know by now how much I love Romantic poetry, so…”

Sixteen is still too old to be hitting on a twelve-year-old. And a “genius” should know this. Damnit, Ethan. And you’re her teacher!! (Which, I might add, is pretty unbelievable too)

Liz tells him she’s going to keep the poems forever and preserve them in a scrapbook. She says she wrote him a poem of her own - Lines Inscribed to a Newfound Friend.

Jessica finds Bernard and apologizes to him for her disappearing act at the concert. He says it’s okay. They decide to go to Hatta’s house and find out if she’s figured out a solution to Jessica’s curse pot problem. On the way to the bus stop, they run into Liz and Ethan, so all four end up going to Hatta’s. Hatta says the only thing she can think of is to destroy the curse pot and return the clay to where it came from - which, as it turns out, is from her riverbank. How convenient. Jessica throws the pot and it shatters into more pieces than she expected. Then, immediately afterward, canoes start appearing on the lake - it’s the Nature Scouts returning from their canoeing trip! And, what do you know, Susan is leading the pack!

They discover that Susan wasn’t technically in the Nature Scout class but after meeting Mike (the cute guy at dinner), she passed herself off as a Nature Scout and joined the trip. They’re glad she’s back, but her personality has not changed and she’s still as much of a pain as before.

Of course, this is a Sweet Valley book, and what would a Sweet Valley book be without a dance? So, yes, it’s Friday night and there is a dance in the student union building for students and faculty. WTF, SVU?

Jess and Bernard are already dancing when Ethan asks Liz to dance. Inappropriate alert. Liz thinks about how much she likes Ethan and how he’s smart, funny, sweet, cute, and nice. But then she gets a lump in her throat and asks Ethan if they can get a Coke and talk somewhere. They sit at a table away from the dance floor and Liz tells him it’s about their ages - that even though she’d been thrilled at first to hear he was younger than she thought, he’s really too old for her. She hopes he’s not upset. Ethan says that of course he’s upset, who wouldn’t be? But then he says he’d been thinking the same thing, that four years is a big age difference at their ages. Ethan says they’ll dance together, enjoy each other’s company in class the next week, and maybe have lunch together. After that, he says, they’ll go their separate ways but that he’ll keep having a crush on her and hopefully she’ll keep crushing on him too. This makes Liz’s eyes sparkle. Ethan says, “And in a few years, who knows? When you’re sixteen and I’m twenty - or when you’re twenty and I’m twenty-four…” Liz says this sounds good. They hold hands and talk about how they’re friends.

Later, Jess wants to know what Liz and Ethan were talking about. Liz says they were talking about breaking up, even though they weren’t together yet. Liz says that they like each other a lot, but he’s too old for her and that they’ll just wait until they’re old enough to decide if they want to do something about their lust. I mean, their love. Jess says that sounds silly but romantic.

The end.

I’m off to vomit.