SVU #18: Billie's Secret or "Music Kills Relationships"

Apr 04, 2008 01:49

First, the cover. This scene actually takes place in the book, sort of. You can’t tell, but Billie is wearing what appears to be an engagement ring on her left hand. Also, when it actually happened in-book, Steven was studying. Oh and I had outfits (yes, plural) VERY similar to the one Billie is wearing.




The book opens with a dinner party thrown by Steven and Billie the Girl for Liz/Tom and Jess. Steven muses about his life and about how Jessica is messed up after her professor/boyfriend offs himself by driving his wife over a cliff.

Jess walks into the kitchen with Steve and starts complaining about him and Liz having it all figured out. Steve’s mind then launches into the stock perfect size-six, but different personalities jazz that we get in every book. Steve tells her to shut the hell up. Oh, wait that was me. Steve plays the understanding older brother and suggests a job. He grabs the classifieds while Jess fantasizes about being a supermodel. Didn’t we already read this trilogy? Jess points to an ad for models, but Steve tells her that they want girls with bigger breasts and she shrinks back in horror. After all, who would want a huge rack when they could have a Wakefield? Finally they come to a department store, but Jessica is afraid they won’t hire her. Steve’s response? “You’re smart. You’re fashionable. You’re beautiful. And you’re my sister.” Yeah, Steve-O, that’ll wow ‘em. That’s the most impressive résumé that I’ve ever read.

Everyone leaves and Billie tries to practice for her guitar lesson, but she can’t because Steve won’t shut his mouth about Jessica. Those two have a REALLY creepy relationship.  Billie gives up on practicing. Don’t do that Billie! You’re just going to end up regretting it when you get to applied and you’re completely unprepared. Just go into the bathroom or into the practice room in the Fine Arts building.

Tom wants to make out, but Liz ignores him. She tells him that she has to be there for Jessica, and Tom all but hits the roof. He asks why can’t Steve or Jess’s friends be there for her and Liz kicks him out. Liz thinks to herself that she hates lying to Tom but she has more important things to do than have his tongue halfway down his throat.

Jess comes out of the shower and finds Lila the Awesome sitting on her bed. Lila tries to comfort her and we’re treated to a recap of Lila’s passionate, but tragically brief marriage to Count Tisiano. Lila listens to Jessica go on about trying to get a job at Taylor’s. Lila didn’t realize it was still in business, it had been so long since she’d been there. St. Liz takes a break from adjusting her halo to say that she likes Taylor’s. Lila thinks, “You would.” Hee. I love you, Lila. As Liz leaves and Jess jabbers on about the job she doesn’t even have yet, Lila wonders what will happen after graduation when everyone else has jobs and families and all she’ll do is party. She worries that she’ll be left behind. Aww.

After ditching Tom, Liz meets up with Random-Girl-We-Never-See-Again in a coffee shop. Random Girl says that she worked as a waitress and did a bit of modeling before coming to SVU. She sees an ad for models with waitressing experience (the same advert Jess saw earlier) and thinks, “Hey, this job was tailormade for me.” So Random Girl interviews for the job and doesn’t get because of her lack of DDs.  Wait. So she calls Liz? WTF? Why doesn’t she just sue? Anyway, Elizabeth realizes that she must go undercover in the name of feminism. As she leaves, Random Girl is confused; she’s positive Liz didn’t have those wings when she sat down.

Billie wants to change her major. Economics is boring and guitar is so “exciting and passionate.” Liz sees her in the cafeteria and sits down. As they talk, Billie realizes that even though the twins think that they’re different, they are very much alike in that they are both morons. Actually, Billie says that they’re action-oriented and don’t understand behind-the-scenes details.

Chas and Mickey from the music department come into the café and sits with them. Immediately, they start talking about how talented Billie is and why is she wasting herself on an Economics major. St. Liz opens her big gob and goes on this spiel about following your dreams. Billie tells her to shut the fuck up. Oops. That was me again. Billie says, “You’ll understand when you get older.”

Jess gets all excited about her job interview. She’s wearing a fuchsia suit and carrying Steven’s briefcase in which she has three copies of her résumé. I bet it does say, “Smart, fashionable, beautiful, and Steven Wakefield’s sister.” On the way to Taylor’s, she sees a pair of fuchsia shoes that would be “fabulous with her outfit” in a store window and buys them on impulse. Isn’t the point of getting a job is because you don’t have money? Just outside of Taylor’s she runs into Mike who pinches her butt and cracks up when she tells him she’s getting a job. He tells her she’s ornamental and would be better suited to devoting herself to a life of pleasure. I love Mike when he’s not being a semi-abusive jackass.

Elizabeth walks into Kitty’s Bar and Grille and notices that the waitresses all wear low-cut tops and cat ears. Her halo glows as she shakes her head in disgust. Well, at least we now know that Liz isn’t an anime fan. The interview consists of her shoving her chest into the manager’s face. Oh and there’s a little bit of dialogue about whether or not Liz will be required to pose naked for Kitty’s calendar. Anyway, she’s hired. There should be laws against plots this boring.

We jump over to Billie in her guitar lesson and she’s completely unprepared. I told you to go into the bathroom and ignore Steven, but did you listen? She gives the lame excuse of not being able to find time to practice, and Professor Guerrero fires back with “A serious musician doesn’t find time to practice; she makes time.” Burn. But then he tells her that he only scolds her because she’s so good. Is he married to Jessica’s ballet instructor or something?

So Billie walks out of her lesson properly shamed and stops at the door of one the practice rooms, where she hears the sounds of a violin and piano playing together. She recognizes the two players immediately and mentally pats herself on the back for being able to tell other musicians apart by their playing styles. Chas walks out holding his violin and laughing about his mistakes, while Billie is amazed; she would’ve been too scared to talk, much less laugh, about her own. Chas asks if Billie is interested in performing a duet with him. Billie agrees and invites him over later that night for coffee and dessert…and to meet Steven. Dun dun dun.

Jess finally gets to Taylor’s and thinks that she’s making a mistake when she sees all the saddos that make up the other applicants. She starts to walk out, but something tells her to stay. Probably the person calling her name. She turns around and finds herself face to face with Val Tripler, her new shero. Val takes her downstairs to Juniors to meet her supervisor, Mr. Farley. Jessica assumes he’s young and fashionable like Val. Has she never read these books before? Does she not know what her life is like?

The two of them make it downstairs and there are two guys looking at the counter. The first is a “young man with an earring, a shaved head, pressed military pants, and a sport coat with patches on the sleeves.” Ah, welcome back 90s; how I missed you! Jess smiles at him, but he ignores her. Haha. Turns out Jessica’s supervisor is the old, fat man with him. By a show of hands, who did not see that coming?

Back to Liz/Tom. Tom wants to see a movie with Elizabeth and he brings her flowers. Unfortunately, Liz was on her way out to work when Tom shows up at her door. Liz, of course, lies and says that she has to help a friend out with her boyfriend problems. Tom wants to know when he’s going to become a priority in Liz’s life. She all but tells him to go to hell. She then apologizes as he walks out and promises him that they’ll go on a picnic the next day.

Jump to Lila. She goes out to dinner with her parents at the Green Duck, the most exclusive restaurant in town. George starts talking about the family Christmas trip and Lila wants to know if she can invite Bruce. George is all “Sure, if you two are still together by then.” Lila is rightly pissed. Sure, it’s unlikely that early college relationships last, but he still had no right to automatically be so dismissive. The conversation continues and the Fowler’s keep treating Lila like a child. Finally, she tells them that she wants a job and they both laugh in her face. Poor Lila.

Liz sets up tables with Glenda the head waitress who used to work in high class places. She tells Liz that she’s working on her MA in restaurant management and trying to get a job at the Green Duck, but in the meantime Kitty’s is great money. Wait, so SVU has graduate degree programs? And not just in such fields as “being skinny and beautiful?” Liz is embarrassed that everyone stares at her new breasts and says that she’s never been on the receiving end of so much blatant sexual attention. B-b-but she’s a Wakefield! Men of all nationalities and socioeconomic classes and marital statuses get hard after simply hearing her name!

Finally we get back to the good story. Steven is lying on Billie’s lap and trying to study. The doorbell rings and he remembers that Billie said that one of her friends from the music department was going to stop by. He reluctantly gets up to answer the door, expecting a “forlorn, washed out girl, carrying a violin case.” What he gets is Chas, whom Steve thinks of as a “tall, broad-shouldered Adonis.” Ha! That’s what you get for insulting my department, bitch! Steven doesn’t like Chas for obvious reasons and asks him, “So you’re a violinist? What are you going to do for a living?” Chas then smacks him in the mouth. Sorry. Me again. Chas laughs it off. Just because you hear it all time doesn’t mean you’re less pissed off. I bet Chas is thinking of ways to talk Billie into bed just to get at Steven, and not because he actually wants to sleep with her.

Anyway after Chas leaves, Steven and Billie get into an argument. In the heat of the moment, Billie informs of Steve of her decision to switch her major. Steve tells her that he doesn’t know who she is anymore, and Billie starts crying and tells him that she doesn’t know what she’s saying. Then she asks him to help with her economics homework, while I beat my head against my desk in frustration. Billie, you are an emotional idiot.

Liz bitches about how much her feet hurt. Yes, Liz, that usually happens when you have a job that requires you to be on your feet. Mike McAllery sees Liz at Kitty’s while he’s out with some of his friends. He makes a pact with Liz that he won’t say anything about her - ahem - enhanced bosom if she won’t tell Jess that she saw him in Kitty’s. Liz bitchily asks since when does he care about Jessica, and Mike says that he does care about Jess and Liz can’t tell her that, either.

Lila is still upset and rightly so. Bruce doesn’t understand why as he thinks Lila has it pretty damn good. The Queen of Awesome tells him about Jess’s job and he assumes that it’s all about competition. Bruce correctly tells Lila that it doesn’t sound like a good idea as she’s used to calling the shots. Lila informs him that they’ll make her manager by the end of the week and if she likes working there, she’ll buy the store. Oh, Lila, I know that this can’t possibly end well, but at 22, I wish I had the confidence you have at 18.

Tom calls Liz to tell her that it’s raining, but that they can still have their picnic indoors. Lizzie yells at him for no reason other than he is a man and, therefore, a dog. After she rails into him, taking out her frustration at the patrons of Kitty’s, she hangs up and Tom is left puzzled at her behavior. She immediately calls him back (good news for you Liz/Tom shippers), apologizes, and proceeds to lie to him again. Tom runs into Steven in the cafeteria and Steve emos about Billie for about a page and one-half. Finally, they decide to go to a sock hop, which is apparently some sort of dance. (Our school dances consist of everybody showing up drunk, all the Greeks deciding to party-hop, and a fight breaking out. As such, I really had no clue what a sock hop was. Did y’all have them at your schools?) As they dig into their eggs and toast, Tom thinks that if Billie and Steven can get through difficult times, then so can he and Elizabeth. More not-so-subtle foreshadowing.

It’s raining and Jess shows up for work twenty minutes late. Mr. Farley rightly chews her out about it. I have no sympathy for Jessica; I’d be fired if I gave that lame-ass excuse to my boss. Val walks by and Jess is embarrassed because she’s afraid that the object of her lipstick lesbian obsession will see her as an unprofessional child. Farley sends her to mark down clothes that he claims were out of season, and Jess protests that the fabric could be worn year-round. Farley tells her to quit her yapping and do her job and then walks away. It is then that Jessica discovers that they weren’t a couple of seasons out of date; they were a couple of years out of date. Quelle horreur!!!

Izzy, Danny, Winston and Denise come into Taylor’s and end up buying gift certificates since the merchandise is so dated. I’m with Lila; I can see why Liz likes this store. Val and Jess discuss the odd stock until Val leaves to do something else. Farley yells at Jess for socializing on the job until she’s on the verge of tears. Thankfully, Val shows up to defend her and her friends. Farley waves his hand dismissively and is all “Whatever. Show the new girl around.” He walks off and behind him is…LILA!!! I squee right along with Jess.

Meanwhile, Bruce walks out of a record dejected and empty-handed because “shopping was no fun without Lila.” I’ll bet it is, Brucie P. He wanders around until he finally makes it into Taylor’s where Lila is busy discouraging a customer from buying a purple ski-jacket since “Vail is all about the label.” Farley overhears her, takes her aside and blasts her for it. Lila retorts that if she isn’t honest, then she doesn’t have any credibility. Oh, Lila, sweetheart. I wish I could agree with you here, but I can’t. If you don’t sell it, you don’t get paid.

Lila spots Bruce trying on a tie and makes her way over to him. She tells him that he looks like Charlie Chaplin. Bruce grabs a nearby umbrella and starts twirling it around, causing Lila to laugh, ignore customers, and get fired. She and Bruce are carried - not escorted, but physically in a fireman’s carry - out of Taylor’s and tossed on their asses. I’m torn. On the one hand, it’s funny and I really want to laugh as I could see it happening, but on the other, it’s f’n Lila that it’s happening to. Oh, what the hell. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

While Jess and Lila are having problems at work, Steven buys some tickets from Isabella and Denise. He walks away all excited about how he and Billie are going to have SO much fun at the dance when he sees Billie…with Chas. Billie gives Chas a peck and Steven feels like breaking something, even though he spends five minutes justifying it in his head. Well, you know what, Steve-O? That’s how Billie feels every time you act like an asshole to her friends.

Lila’s parents are still in town on business and so she drops by their hotel. She’s still fuming over her termination and barges into the room, demanding that her father buy Taylor’s just so she can have the satisfaction of firing Mr. Farley. Lila, don’t. That’s exactly what you DIDN’T want. He’ll just keep seeing you as a kid. Lila ignores me because she’s Lila F’N Fowler and she does what she wants. She tells her dad that Farley is an idiot who had the nerve to not know who she was. George laughs in her face AGAIN and says that he knew exactly who she was before handing her $200 to take Bruce out to dinner. He also says that Lila doesn’t need a job and that she “has no business taking one from people who do.” Lila doesn’t understand what he means and he doesn’t explain. Instead he kicks her out of the room, “politely telling her he had no time for her silly little problems.” I feel really bad for Lila in this one, almost as bad I felt after the incident with John (Boo! Hiss!). Her parents really suck.

Tom guilt trips Liz into going to the sock hop, but Liz comes into work and finds out that Kitty’s will be short staffed that night. OH NOES! Liz refuses to come in so that she won’t end up fighting with Tom. One of Liz’s customers smacks Liz’s ass and slips a bill into her pocket. It turns out to be a $50 tip. St. Liz is, as she every time the book jumps to her, disgusted. Her co-workers, however, think she’s lucky. I’m with them: I’m all for equality and feminism, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks. So get off your high horse, Elizabeth. Oh, yeah. She briefly considers confiding in Tom, but is too ashamed. She acts like she’s stripping or turning tricks or something. The stuff the customers are looking at aren’t even real for Pete’s sake.

Back to Lila being held by Bruce whilst she sobs and talks about how her father telling her to leave reminded her of her lonely childhood. Bruce thinks that she’s a drama queen. Lila tells him that her father basically said that her job in life was to spend money. Bruce makes an insensitive joke (“Nice work if you can get it”) and Lila cries even harder. Brucie P. finally realizes that it’s not about competition with Jessica at all; Lila is having an identity crisis. And for the millionth time this book, I say “Aw. Poor Lila.”

Jess goes to visit Steven at his flat because she wants to quit and she feels that he is the only one that believes in her. Unfortunately she walks into a conversation between him and Mike about her. Mike says that she’s isn’t the working type and Steve defends her. So they decide to make it (and by “it,” I mean this storyline) interesting: Mike bets his vintage T-bird that Jessica either quits or gets fired against Steven providing his services for two months. Get your minds out the gutter, you pervs! Steven’s handyman services.

So, anyway, Steven finally leaves and Jess steps out of the shadows. They flirt for a little while and almost kiss. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), some random brunette in a catsuit and too much makeup yells Mike’s name. He shrugs, looks sheepishly at Jess and follows the skank.

Billie can’t find her economics notebook…because Steven put it back in the wrong place after he finished going through her stuff, looking for evidence of Billie’s nonexistent affair with Chas. What evidence was he looking for? Why, a love a poem copied onto a piece of sheet music. Is he insane? Music is expensive, dammit. Billie also discovers that she has a parking ticket that is two months overdue. Steven already know this because he opened her mail. How does she not notice this? And does Steve not realize that tampering with her mail is a federal offence? If she was pissed enough, he’d be doing 2 to 5.

Tom is tired of being ignored by Elizabeth, so he makes plans to hang out with Danny’s friends from high school. Meanwhile Liz meets with Random Girl, who still refuses to tell her story on WSVU. Liz thinks Random Girl’s embarrassment at having a small chest and not getting a job for that reason is the perfect angle for the Kitty’s story.

Billie shows up for her guitar lesson and has improved markedly. Guess she “made” time to practice. Her applied professor wants her to enter a competition in which the winner receives a free semester in Spain to study with a famous guitarist. The competition is specifically open to music majors, but Mr. Guerrero has already filled out Billie’s entry form for her. Billie asks if he really thinks she can win, and he says that she will win. Billie signs the bottom of the entry form and they go to work on “showmanship.” GO BILLIE!

Jess has her first rude, obnoxious customer. The customer asks her a question and she gives a very detailed answer. For her trouble, she gets yelled at and ordered to fetch someone who knows more about those kinds of things. Jess loses her temper, yells at the customer, and Mr. Farley tells her to get some water and compose herself, and he’d take over for her. She fights the urge to quit. I feel for Jess here, y’all. I’ve wanted to strangle customers, too. Apparently, Mr. Farley did too, as he tells her about being fired when he leapt over the desk and punched his first rude customer in the face.

After all this, Jess has a conversation with Val, who invites her to a fashion show and fundraiser for the homeless. Jess jumps at the chance to go anywhere with Val. Because Val is so sophisticated and fashionable and smart, dontcha know? I’ve come to the conclusion that Val is Jessica projecting of her lipstick lesbian love for Lila. Because it seems to me that Val is just an older version of Lila. Except, you know, less rich.

Billie tells Steven about the competition and that she can’t go to the sock hop because she has to practice. Steven is all proud of her until she tells him the prize, at which point he starts jumping up and down like a crazy person with a case of the crazies and claiming that Billie wants to breakup. This, of course, isn’t what she said at all. He slams the door as he walks away. Insensitive git. Meanwhile, Billie practices and cries. Damn hormones. The doorbell rings and Chas is there. She breaks down and tells him about the competition, and he says that he’ll be in France so they can get together if she wins. How big is SVU that they can do all this? Chas also tells her that she’ll be up against people that have been playing their whole lives and that even though she is good, she has to be realistic. He also asks if she and Steven are going to the sock hop and Billie says that she thinks so. Steven comes home and takes a shower. Now that Chas wants to go, Billie isn’t practicing. Steve thinks things are starting to add up. I think Billie isn’t a cheating cheater and if she was, she’d be too smart to be so obvious. ‘Course, this IS Sweet Valley where obviousness runs rampant.

Val and Jessica finally make it the fashion show which is being held in the Warehouse District. The show is industrial themed with all the models wearing hard hats with whatever outlandish clothes they’re wearing. And guess who’s there? Good ole Mike McAllery. Apparently he’s known Val for years. Jess wonders if she should tell Val about Mike so that she (Val) won’t get hurt. She’s afraid that beautiful, sophisticated Val will think that she’s nothing but a jealous child.

Steven and Billie are at the dance and Steve emos about Billie’s music department friends. For some reason, Steven describes every single music major at SVU as a smoking hot male. I’d transfer if Nina wasn’t filling the quota. Billie dances with Chas and Steven storms off. The DJ starts playing their song and Billie goes after Steven for one last dance. They slow dance for a little while and make out before Billie runs out to throw up. It’s obvious what’s going on, but still, that scene was funny.

While all of this is going on with Billie and Steven, Liz/Tom are still dancing. Liz decides that Tom isn’t like other men and that she’s going to finally quit lying and tell him about working at Kitty’s. Then a curvy girl walks by and Tom, of course, looks. Elizabeth pulls away and lays into Tom, basically telling him to kiss her ass. Wait. Isn’t Liz the queen of the cheating cheaters? And she’s angry about a glance? I bet she goes looking for Todd to make out with vent to.

Lila sulks and Bruce tries desperately to cheer her up. He attempts to convince her to go to the sock hop with him and Lila bites his head off, accusing him to be as patronizing as her father. Bruce takes a shot at telling her that he’s not belittling her, but he just comes off even more condescending. Lila tells him to shut up and goes back to sulking. Say it with me, now: aww.

Liz comes home from the dance and bitches about how Tom is a pig. Jess interrupts her to pour out her heart about how Val is too good for Sweet Valley, and how she thinks she’s only sticking around for Mike. Liz snores and Jess decides that Steven would be a better person to talk to. As Jess leaves, she runs into a guilty-looking Tom leaving flowers outside their door.

So Jess finally gets to Steven’s apartment complex and runs into Mike, who tells her that she was the best looking girl at the fashion show. Jessica smiles, especially since she was convinced that Mike had been staring at Val all night. He offers to listen to her problems and realizes that she wants to quit. He then snarkily asks if she would make it this week because he could really use Steve’s help at work. I hate to say it, but I really, truly like Mike in this book. Jessica, however, does not share my sentiments and, with a toss of her hair, walks out.

Liz gets a call to come into work, so she straps on her WonderBra and extra padding to get ready. She hears footsteps outside and Tommy Boy falls in as she opens the door. He stares at Elizabeth’s enhanced chest in horror, for he believes that she got implants as a result of his looking at the girl at the dance. This is another big WTF moment for me. Liz has been gone, what, 45 minutes tops? Are the cosmetic surgeons in SV that good? Where did he think Elizabeth went, House of Racks where you get your new breasts in under an hour or else it’s free? Liz just steps over him and leaves for Kitty’s.

Billie wakes up and finds herself praying to the porcelain goddess. She stops throwing up long enough to tell Steven to wipe the smug look off his face and to quit acting like her being sick is a personal insult. Steve says that it is a personal insult because Billie said that he was making her sick. Billie gives him a LOOK and runs to the kitchen where she sees a photo of the two of them looking happy. She yanks it off the fridge and says, “I will win. And you can’t stop me, Steven Wakefield.” Melodramatic much, Billie? It’s like she’s channeling the Hulk here. Or Todd. If Steven walked in, she’d probably punch him in the eye.

Bruce stops by Taylor’s to harass ask Jessica what he should buy her to make her feel better. Jessica gives him pretty good advice (if not a little clichéd): don’t buy her anything because what she’s looking for, you can’t find in the store. He sees Mr. Farley and hotfoots it out of the store all the while thinking that Jess was no help. As he ponders how he going to improve Lila’s self-esteem, he begins to wonder what’s going to happen to him after graduation when his friends have jobs and lives. He then looks across the street and sees…a doughnut shop. Dun dun dunnn.

A few days pass since the sock hop and Danny’s friends finally show up and Tom is excited to finally have a guy’s night out. Coincidentally they all run up to each other and high five, which is the male version of squeeing. One wants to go out to a concert, but another suggests Kitty’s. The guys get all keyed up, like all the waitresses are going to be walking around in thongs or something. Tom protests and Danny says that what the girls (Liz and Izzy) don’t know won’t hurt them. Liz calls and finally wants to see him, but Tommy Boy tells him that he’s going to a game with the guys. Oh, Tom. At least this plotline isn’t totally contrived and Liz isn’t working. *eye roll*

Back to Billie and Steven. Steve emos over Billie and Mike runs into him at the local coffee shop. He’s everywhere, like he’s the Wakefield’s personal sage. Their Yoda, if you will. Steve vents and Mike tells him that he’s an insensitive control freak and that he should stop trying to control Billie. Which is what she’s been complaining about for THE WHOLE BOOK!!! Mr. McAllery’s advice? “Chill out. Give her a little space. Don’t argue with her. Be supportive. Stop overreacting.” The only thing that would have made this scene better is if Mike had thwacked him ‘round the head. I love Mike. You know, when he’s not being stupid.

Meanwhile Billie files the paperwork to switch her major to music, but she’s still afraid to tell her parents and Steven. She suddenly realizes that she’s been hormonal, but she’s a couple of days late. Egad! You mean someone in SV is having teh sex? Besides Todd and Enid?! Anyway, she apologizes for Steve to Chas, who is tired of hearing them. Then she silently rages at Steve, as many women tend to do when dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Billie, however, dismisses that possibility and focuses her anger on Steven’s dislike of her hobby cum career-choice.

Bruce grabs a blindfolded Lila and leads her up a sidewalk, telling her that he bought her something that he wants to be a surprise. Lila gets impatient and thinks that Bruce is acting as weird as Winston. Ha! Bruce finally takes the scarf off of her eyes and Lila wants to know why she’s staring into the window of a greasy doughnut shop. Bruce explains to her that upscale is out and downscale is in, as if fashionista Lila Fowler wouldn’t already know something such as this. And he offers up this gem: “And it’ll be your own place. No Mr. Farley to yell at you or throw me out.” Lila gets a “strange and kind of achy” feeling and is so touched that Bruce has given her everything she ever wanted. Bruce and Lila are so adorable.

It’s Wednesday night and Liz shows up for work and announces her resignation. Glenda tells her to do what she has to, but she HAS to work tonight because she’s still short three girls and the place is packed. St. Liz agrees; after all, she can’t turn down a person in need. She heads to the dining room and her drunken boss tries to kiss her. Some guy makes a comment about Liz’s breasts and she starts to cry and decides that she doesn’t care how much help Glenda needs, she’s quitting right that second. She then bumps into someone and recognizes his voice when he apologizes. It’s Tom. Now, a show of hands, who didn’t see that coming? No one? I thought so.

Anyways, Liz throws down the tray she’s carrying and starts a loud argument with Tom. She’s angry he lied, he’s angry that she’s gone behind her back again and not checked with him before taking on the story. To be fair to Tom, she lied first and he is her boss. Doesn’t mean he’s right, but still.  Lizzie rants about how Kitty’s wouldn’t be in business if men wouldn’t go and calls out Danny, who is trying to hide behind his menu. The manager tells her to keep her voice down, and Liz gets all smug and throws her cat ears and her breast pads at him. The other waitresses all follow suit. Then Tom and Danny start clapping. I bet it was one of those slow claps, too. Everyone cheers and the ghostwriter even says the following:

“Elizabeth had thought she couldn’t get any support. She’d thought she was alone. But she was wrong. Women could work together to makes things better for each other. All it took was solidarity, a few strong women, and some really great guys like Tom and Danny.”

And so, her work done, Saint Elizabeth straightened her halo, let loose her wings and flew off into the sunset, until she was needed again in the next book.

Now that that’s over, let’s check in on Steven and Billie. Billie’s throwing up again and Steve’s trying to be supportive. Unfortunately she bit his head off when he suggested she see a doctor. Finally he announces that he knows she’s in love with Chas and that he wishes she would quit leading him on. Billie is all “What the hell are you talking about?” The argument escalates until Billie starts crying and yells “I think I’m pregnant! There! Happy now?” Steve is conflicted. He wants to hold Billie, but he wants to kick a hole in the wall, too. I feel kind of bad for them.

Oops, guess I was wrong. Tom catches up with Liz outside of the library and asks hasn’t he seen her on a calendar somewhere. Meh. I give him a “C” for trying. Tom tells her that her story got picked up by the national wire and some lawyer called Glenda and offered to sue for sexual harassment and discrimination on her behalf. The Kitty’s Corporation got so scared, they sold the restaurant to the Fowlers, who are going to turn it into an upscale steakhouse that Glenda is going to manage. Guess George didn’t get the memo about upscale being out.

Speaking of the Fowlers, Lila’s Doughnuts is officially open. Lila and Jessica are eating chocolate doughnuts and drinking coffee when the rest of the SVU crew shows up. Isabella pulls out a sketchpad so that she and Lila can do some more decorating. Lila tells the gang that all the profits go to the Sweet Valley Coalition for Battered Women and everyone toasts her, while she holds court. Now that’s the Lila we know and love.

Billie FINALLY takes a pregnancy test and it’s positive. Steven, of course, does what he does best: becomes a control freak again and start coming up with wedding/graduation plans. Billie doesn’t care as she’s too numb from reading the result. Why do I see more problems stemming from this down the road?

Jess realizes that she’s late for work and runs into a man as she leaves the shop. The guy looks at Lila and asks if she’s an actress. Our favorite fashionista is flattered and says her name. The guy starts quoting the details of the Count’s death and Lila gets bummed out. Bruce gives the guy a sack of doughnuts with a phony smile and sends him on his way. I’m not saying he’s a gold-digger, but… wait, yes, I am.

Jess rushes off to work and thinks about how she’s grown up and professional. That thought is immediately replaced by one of Mike and Val talking about her over a couple of beers. Speak of the devil, Mike pulls up to her on his motorcycle and gives her a ride to work so that she makes it in three minutes, right on time for her shift. When she steps into the store, she notices that no one is there. A security guard informs her that there is a staff meeting going on upstairs and that she’s the last one.

The short of it is that Taylor’s is out of business. Fowler Enterprises bought it to build luxury apartments in the area. But real estate prices would go sky high if it were common knowledge, so the store pretended to be in business. And everything suddenly clicks into place for Jess. The dusty shelves. The old merchandise. The slowness with which they were restocked. Everyone gets sent home and Jess finds Mike outside reading a newspaper. He’d been expecting her to get fired for being late. Jess informs him that Steven has won the bet, albeit on a technicality, and Mike’s first thought is “Poor Val.” Jess is jealous, but refuses to give Mike the satisfaction of knowing that. Mike rides off and Jess hears Val come up behind her. Val asks Jess if she wants to go into business with her and Jess jumps up like a baby seal doing tricks.

At the same time the Jess/Mike/Val show is going on, Mr. Farley walks into Lila’s Doughnuts and orders a cup of coffee. He tells Lila that her father had purchased Taylor’s months ago. Lila wants to know why she got fired if he knew her father owned the store, and Farley tells her that as long as he is in charge, his employees will uphold his standards or work somewhere else. Lila remembers her father laughing and telling her that Farley knew exactly who she was and starts running in an effort to find her father. When Bruce asks what’s happened, Lila says this: “No one laughs at Lila Fowler and gets away with it…Not even my own dad!” GO LILA!!!

At last, we make it to the end. It is competition time and Steven actually listens to Billie play for the first time. And he experiences a side of Billie he’d never seen before, one that is passionate and emotional. It makes him realize that she’s going to be a wonderful mother. Billie decides that if she can’t play professionally, then she won’t play at all. Oh, Billie, don’t say that. You can always live your dream vicariously through your child who will grow up and resent you for pressuring them into a career they don’t want. She plays like she’s “kissing a lover for the last time,” and receives a standing ovation. She runs offstage, drops her guitar, and launches herself into Steve’s arms. He tells her that she thinks she won, and she cries and says that she knows and that it’s the most awful thing that could have ever happened to her. And I discover that rereading this book was the most awful thing that ever happened to me. In the immortal words of Kenan Rockmore, “WHYYYY!!?”

tom watts, bruce patman, dance!, saint elizabeth of sweet valley, miss lila fowler, recapper: mochaloca85, mike mcallery, billie the girl, svu, oh hi steven

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