SVU Thriller: Don't Answer the Phone
If the cover is any indication, Enid’s name-change came with a complimentary face-transplant. Maybe she went back to Dr.Muleface of "SVH: Murder in Paradise" after all. Now she’s a brunette with questionable taste in jewelry and over-tweezed eyebrows. But what would the old Enid think? What would the “Ask Enid” column in a 1950’s lady’s magazine think? Let’s find out.
The book starts with Alexandra rushing back to her dorm from pasta night at the sorority. Her boyfriend Noah is waiting for her, angry that she’s an hour late for their date; he bought expensive tickets to Phantom of the Opera, and they’re going to miss at least half of it. Alex is surprised that Noah is so angry, after all, it was pasta night at the sorority!! The only time they’re allowed carbs! Noah is like “I don’t know who you are anymore, Alex!” and says that she’s always at the sorority, ignoring him, and is constantly late for their dates. Alex said that since she moved to college and changed her name to Alex, she is no longer the doormat that old Enid was. Sadly, girls only come in two flavors in Sweet Valley: doormat or entitled bitch.
Ask Enid says, “Treat yourself to carbs with caution; men like a woman with self-control.”
Alex has breakfast at the sorority the next day and muses about how everyone in high school would be shocked to see her rubbing elbows with Jessica and Lila. She was such a dork in high school and everyone, including her new BFFs Jessica and Lila, made fun of her and excluded her. Now she’s beautiful and popular! No longer is she the girl who “had no life of her own- just the scraps left over from Elizabeth Wakefield’s life.” BACK THAT BULLSHIT WAGON THE FUCK UP. You were BLESSED to call Elizabeth Wakefield your friend. You are LUCKY that she took five minutes out of her crime-solving, less-fortunate-cuddling, boyfriend-betraying, coma-having, fabulous life to even notice you. If it weren’t for Elizabeth Wakefield, you wouldn’t be a character in this book, or any other, because you’d be DEAD. Ahem… anyway, as Alex leaves to go to her volunteer job at the substance abuse hotline, Jessica and Lila basically tell her she should let all the addicts die and do make-overs with them instead. Alex politely declines.
Ask Enid says, “Make-overs are serious work, which one should only undertake in the presence of a licensed cosmetologist.”
At the SVU Helpline, Alex receives a call from a guy who calls himself “Rodin.” He’s trying to quit drinking. This reminds Alex of how she was an alcoholic for one book, and that’s how she met Noah (he worked for the Helpline). Where’s Liz? A Helpline with no Saint Elizabeth is no Helpline at all. Alex thinks about how much she loves volunteering for the Helpline and how she owed it her life. If she hadn’t called the Helpline she’d still be an alcoholic and “dead in some drunk driving accident.” Remember kids: if you drink alcohol, you will drive drunk, and you will die.
Ask Enid says, “Children are never too young to learn about gruesome ways they might die.”
The next day in art class, we meet “Rodin” - Luke Winterson. Luke is in Alex’s sculpture class and he’s been “in love” with her since day 1. Alex is really into art now (look! A new skill at which to fail!). She was so beautiful, she took his breath away. Her thick bouncy waves formed a coppery halo around her face like an angel’s. Her long dark lashes practically rested on her creamy cheeks as she looked down at the lopsided bowl she was forming. Her hands moved up and down the wet clay seductively. It reminded him of a really sexy scene he’d seen in a movie once. Suddenly embarrassed, he shifted back to the other side of the table.”
Umm… yeah… Luke just jizzed his pants.
Ask Enid says, “Adopting a hobby is a wonderful way to meet gentlemen.”
Alex is late meeting Noah again and they get in a fight, again. Noah accuses Alex of acting cheap and shallow like a “sorority party girl.” I think the word he’s looking for is “sorostitute.” Enid storms off and Noah wonders if they’re breaking up (really? What was your first clue?) “He didn’t even like to imagine life without Enid Alexandra Rollins.” I suggest he try. It’s actually quite pleasant.
Alex goes to the SVH Helpline, where she thinks she’ll feel better. Instead she finds out that the helpline has been taken over by a fascist red-head who changes all the rules, gives everyone extra hours, and won’t let them have coffee. I really don’t get this, because it’s a volunteer job. So she could just… leave. Instead, she begrudgingly takes some extra shifts. That night, while alone at the Helpline office. She receives a call from a creep who calls her “baby” and knows exactly what she’s wearing - jeans and a Theta Psi Theta sweatshirt. She’s a bit freaked out but tells herself it’s just a fraternity prank.
Ask Enid says, “It sounds like Alex needs to add some variety in her wardrobe to keep the fellows guessing.”
At her next art class, Luke outs himself as Rodin. He keeps gazing at her lovingly, and Alex starts to feel all tingly but reminds herself she has a boyfriend. Is it just me, or do I type that sentence every time I write a recap? A girl can’t take 2 steps in Sweet Valley without tripping over a new smokin hot guy with whom to cheat on her smokin hot boyfriend. Where the fuck are all these hot, single guys coming from?
The next time she’s at the Helpline, Fascist Fred (or as Alex calls him, “Fred McHitler” I’m not making that up) jumps down Alex’s throat about everything: she should start arriving early to shifts, she should use a businesslike tone, and not sound “cheerful.” Then he accuses her of lying about her name; her file says “Enid Rollins.” Alex starts to worry that “Noah and Fred are forming a the Enid Rollins fan club.” HAHAHA ENID ROLLINS FAN CLUB THAT WILL BE THE DAY
Ask Enid says, “Nicknames offer a great way to relate to an otherwise distant co-worker or boss.”
Alex assures him that she just goes by her middle name now, and Fred threatens to fire her if he catches her slacking off. He leaves for the moment, but warns her that he’ll be watching her. Then she gets a call from Psycho Guy who says he knows who she is and she’s meant to be his. She hangs up the phone and he flies into a rage and pulls out a knife. The book still hasn’t told us his identity but if you haven’t guessed by now, this must be your first outing in Sweet Valley.
SHOUT OUT TO 1BRUCE1! (the car, not the LJ comm.) Enid meets Lila at the sorority house the next day and comments that she’s lost her dorm keys even though she was sure they were in her pocket. Lila says, “I lost the keys to Bruce’s Porsche once- and would you believe we found them in the refrigerator?” Right next to the box of wine and plastic cups, I’m sure.
Ask Enid says, “A light Rosè or Chablis drinks well with chicken and makes an exceptional accompaniment to duck le’orange.”
Alex continues to get creepy calls from Psycho Guy. Now PG says he’ll hurt someone she loves if she doesn’t listen to him - she still hangs up. At one point Alex thinks she’ll tell the police (!!) but then she stops herself because of the Helpline’s confidentiality policy. Anyone with half a brain would know that doesn’t apply when someone threatens to hurt themselves or another person, but then again, this is Sweet Valley: brains optional.
Meanwhile, PG stabs Jessica Wakefield to death in the sorority house! Well, he thought it was Jessica, but it turns out to be Susan, Alex’s “little sister” for pledge-week. Susan was wearing Jessica’s sweater and Lila’s earrings, which PG “ripped out of her ears.” Yikes. Alex realizes that the killer was probably targeting Jessica, since he knew she was Alex’s friend. Alex decides the best way to handle this situation is to not have any friends. A normal person would call the police, but she’s sure the killer is watching her and will know. At the funeral, Alex breaks up with Noah “for his own good.” He “falls to the mud crying.” She goes back to her dorm and whines into her pillow. Then she finds Lila's bloody earrings and a note from PG.
Ask Enid says, “If a friend dies wearing something she borrowed from you, wait at least two days before asking the family to return the article. Any sooner would be uncouth.”
The first 8 words of Chapter 10 are “Is this how you want it?” Luke groaned. HOT. Except that he’s just helping her move some limestone which she found in a landfill and is going to make into a memorial-statue for Susan. Because I know plenty of people who just throw out 6 foot tall chunks of limestone. And Alex has the talent to carve anything more complicated than an Easter Ham. Anyway, Alex gets Luke to help her start on the statue. Her idea is to make it into an angel with wings. Naturally, Luke carves the face to look like hers, because when he thinks of angels he thinks of this:
Alex has to rush over to one of her extra shifts at the Helpline, but Luke volunteers to finish carving for her. At the Helpline, Fred jumps down her throat about being a few minutes late. They fight, and then Fred asks her out. Alex is shocked that he’d ask her out only seconds after berating her, and she tells him so. Fred accuses her of being the typical sorority girl who leads guys on and then shoots them down. Alex calls him an ogre and Fred storms out. The phone rings and it’s PG, who now calls himself “Travis.”
Travis: Yo baby, whassup?
Alex: turn yourself in to the authorities!
Travis: but I WUV WOO!
Alex: you’re gross and I don’t love you.
Travis : I’m nice. Unlike that ogre, Fred.
Alex: HOLY FUCKING SHIT *slams down phone*
At this point, Alex is sure that Travis is actually Fred. She decides to run back to her dorm to call the police; the phones at the Helpline can’t make out-going calls, and she suspects Fred has the place bugged. But when she gets back to her dorm room, Fred’s dead body is under the bed in a pool of blood - he’s been stabbed! Whoops. She and her roommate call the police. Noah shows up with Alex’s missing keys and claims he found them by the fire escape. Alex tells the police to arrest Noah because she’s sure he’s the murderer. The police take him to the station for questioning, but warn Alex that they probably won’t be able to hold him past midnight on no evidence. Alex and her roommate decide to spend the night at the sorority house to be safe. After all, no one has been murdered there in three whole days!
Ask Enid says, “A prompt rinse of cold water is the best way to remove a blood stain. Dust area with baking soda if lingering odor is a concern.”
The next day, Alex goes to the art studio alone at midnight to work on her project. She runs into Luke who is also working on his art project as a way to resist his alcohol cravings. The two share a kiss and decide to go for a walk together. Luke suggests Alex get some pop while he cleans up the art room (I live in Michigan. Pop means soda. Deal with it). While she’s getting the pop, the payphone near the vending machines rings, and the dumb shit answers it. It’s Travis and guess what? HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
Travis (in a ski mask) grabs Alex and pulls her into the art room. He says he’s already killed Luke, and gestures to the shape of a body under some dropcloths. Alex is horrified. Travis ties Alex to a chair and then drags in her next “present” - Noah, also tied to a chair. He produces a sharp knife and threatens to cut Noah’s throat if Noah can’t answer a question about Enid. Noah swears he knows Enid better than anyone and accepts Travis’s challenge. The question involves a scenario in which Enid has been invited to a sorority party but has an important exam the next day. Would she study or go to the party? Noah says she’d go to the party and then cram the rest of the night. Alex is relieved to hear this answer because she thinks it describes her exactly (and she’s proud of this?!). Travis begs to differ, however. “Wrong! That’s what ALEX would do! I asked about ENID!” Jesus, what a nut job.
Ask Enid says, “Perhaps an appeal to the Dean of Women at your college could result in the exam being postponed.”
Travis is about to cut Noah’s throat when Alex loosens her ropes and pushes him over. She decides to run and get help (leaving Noah alone with a guy with a knife. Smart.) Of course Travis jumps up and Noah screams for Alex. Alex comes back and pleads with Travis to let Noah live. She tells him she loves him and that Noah means nothing to her. She assures him that she’s Enid now and Alex is dead. Travis finally believes her and comes in for a hug, and Alex punches him in the face.
Ask Enid says, “A well-bred young woman always knows when her young man is in need of a few kind words.”
He flies back into the Limestone statue and it collapses on him, killing him. Alex unties Noah and he removes Travis’s ski-mask… it’s Luke! The “body” under the drop-clothes is just Luke’s self-portrait sculpture. Alex muses that Travis really did “kill Luke,” and she and Noah hug it out. Awww... you kids!