SVU Thriller Edition: Killer Party, Part Two
Chloe had been chatting up some senior outside on the deck, but now in the darkness she can't find him. She can't see anything, and starts trying to make her way back inside. But then some dude grabs her and clamps a hand over her mouth. She's then dragged off the deck and into the woods. She is completely terrified, and thinks whoever has her is enjoying her terror, because he is digging his fingers into her painfully and chuckling menacingly. She doesn't know who it is, but she's afraid it's the leader of the Grunge Monkeys trying to teach her a lesson. She's also afraid that they're going to go after Lila next, and starts blaming herself. Y'all, this girl thinks that she is about to be raped or killed or both. Which makes the resolution to this books SO MUCH WORSE. I was so furious when I read it, and if you haven't ever read this book you will discover the fury at the end of this recap.
So Chloe tries to slow her abductor down by biting the hand over her mouth. When he moves it she screams loudly, but is already too far away for anyone to hear her. She is forced into a car, and can tell that there are other people already in it. She's sure that it's the Grunge Monkeys, and tries valiantly to believe that they wouldn't seriously hurt her. She even think to herself that, "life wasn't a horror film. Not in Sweet Valley anyway." O R L Y ? Then she realizes that she doesn't know jack about these guys, and neither does anyone else.
Lila is flicking switches, but nothing doing. Todd was going to go look at the mains out in the backyard, but much to Lila's annoyance he hasn't returned. Well maybe he found some whales to save! Their grace and beauty is really awe-inspiring.
Everyone is hysterical and scuttling around and Lila is super-peeved. She thinks about how if Bruce were here he would have had all of this figured out by now. Oh, Lila. She tries to find candles, but then she hears her cell phone ring. Convinced that it's Bruce, she answers it. Since when is Lila so weak? It's not Bruce, it’s the female prank caller, but this time instead of blowing it off, Lila s really unnerved.
So they get the candles lit and Jess, Liz, Lila, Alexenid, and Denise talk about how stupid Chloe and the Grunge Monkeys are. Then they realize that almost everyone is gone. The ballroom is virtually empty. DUN DUN DUN! Even Neil is gone, which seriously freaks Jessica's shit out, and she just KNOWS that wherever he is he's there against his will, and "he wasn't coming back."
Shift to Neil, who is being dragged through the woods by two guys. They're shoving and pulling him, and his little party hat comes off. Oh no!!! He hopes that if someone finds it they'll give it back to Jess so she knows that she was there with him "almost to the very end." So he thinks he's going to be killed. Chloe is facedown on the floorboard of a car, thinking she's about to be raped/murdered. The power to the Fowler's mansion is out, leaving the remaining party guests cowering in fright, while no one knows where the rest of the guests have disappeared to. What fun shenanigans!
The girls left at the party try to figure out what happened to the missing guests. They didn't hear any cars starting, and plus it's a Lila Fowler SEAP, so they know that the guests didn't willingly leave. They toy with the idea that the Grunge Monkeys pulled everyone out through the porch doors, but 25 guests disappeared and there were only a handful of crashers. They decide that everyone must have followed Todd out into the backyard to see what was up with the lights. Lila sends two Theta pledges, Jackie and Mai-Ling out to "test the waters." They don't seem to be scared at all! Mai-Ling even has a blackbelt! Oh, of course she does. Lila considers drinking herself into a blackout and forgetting about this whole mess.
They wait fifteen minutes, but Jackie and Mai-Ling never get back. Lila leans her head out the porch door to call for them, but there’s no answer. Instead, there is high-pitched maniacal laughter. Lila freaks and throws herself back inside the house, her worst fears confirmed. Now she knows that there’s foul play afoot, and someone out in the woods waiting for her.
Psycho time! Now we get some more creepiness from the maniacal laugher. He is enjoying Lila’s pain. Apparently causing her “exquisite agony” is really getting his rocks off. And apparently there is some grand, master plan. He thinks that Lila needs to pay for what she did. But what did she do?? Going back through the woods, he finds Neil’s party hat and decides to keep it as a trophy. CREEPY.
Back in the party Lila tells the others what she heard. They lock all the doors and windows and congregate in the sitting room with the candles. That’s when they realize that there are only girls left, all the guys are gone. There are thirteen girls left, total. Some of them don’t seem to be worried, giggling and talking, while one girl takes a nap.
We cut to Sam, who is wandering through the woods. He had gone out on the porch during the blackout commotion (happy to get away from “Lambada Lila,” as if!), and then heard a girl shriek for help. Chloe? So he went down into the woods to see if he could help. Of course, he got hopelessly lost. Then, Sam is grabbed by three guys, he tries to fight back, but it’s no use. He feels like he vaguely recognizes them, but he doesn’t know from where. He thinks it’s weird that they’re not punching him though.
Lila, Liz, and Jess think they should call the cops, but Alexenid and Denise talk them out of it. They say that the cops will never believe them, that there’s no evidence, and that, being New Year’s Eve, it is the worst night of the year to call them. So Lila gives up on that idea. Dumb.
Todd was grabbed by two guys while he was trying to find the blown fuse. He’s trying to reason with his abductors who are now dragging him through the woods, seeming to think that they’re the Grunge Monkeys. “Come on man, we can resolve this!” Oh, Todd. You’re a loser. Todd thinks that they are going to kill him. That’s one more person truly believing that their life is about to end. Todd trips over a log and falls to the ground.
The remaining girls are talking strategy in the sitting room. Jess and Lila want to split into teams to gather weapons to defend themselves. Liz tries to convince everyone that it’s not the Grunge Monkeys who are doing this, pointing out that the lights were out for 10 minutes tops before the candles got going. Also, there were only 5 crashers, and 27 abductees. It just doesn’t add up. But everyone still thinks that it was the crashers. So Liz points out that while they went through the trouble of turning off the electricity, they didn’t bother to cut the phone lines- those still work. SO CALL THE COPS GODDAMN. Lila realizes that it couldn’t be the Grunge Monkeys, so she instantly thinks of the prank caller. She freaks out, because the caller told her to beware when the clock strikes 12, and it was already 11. The girls try to figure out who the caller is- but there are too many girls who wanted to be invited to the SEAP but weren’t to really narrow it down. There is infighting and blame putting, and some girls still don’t seem to be taking any of it seriously, but Jessica manages to calm everyone down.
They realize that while they have locked the maniac out of the house, they have also locked themselves in, and are therefore still in danger. Jessica wants to run up the driveway into their cars, but she can’t get everyone to agree to it, so they stay. A girl named Lynette needs to smoke or else she’s going to crack. After a few lines from St. Liz about how gross smoking is, we find out that Lynette left her cigarettes in the ballroom. Her and two girls named Kathleen and Helen go out to find them. They figure that it’s safe, because all the doors are locked. The rest of the remaining girls (except for Liz, Jess, Lila, Denise, and Alexenid) decide to go to the bathroom together. Denise apparently hurt her ankle during the blackout, and it is still bothering her. Alexenid takes Denise out to the ballroom to get ice for it, leaving only Jess, Liz, and Lila in the sitting room. Then Jess gets cold and decides to go grab her cardigan out of the ballroom. Liz and Lila are the only ones left. No one has come back yet, and they can’t hear anyone in the ballroom or bathroom.
Jessica passes by the bathroom, but no one is in there. She hopes that they went into the ballroom, but when she gets there nobody is there either. Jessica goes to check if the deck doors are still locked- they are. But then! Someone opens the door and grabs her, pulling her out onto the deck, putting a hand over her mouth before she can scream. She realizes that whoever it is has keys to the house. Ruh-roh!
Liz and Lila start getting nervous that no one has come back yet. Poor Lila thinks that maybe Bruce will come and save the day. They yell for Jess, and even run to the ballroom to see if she’s there. That’s when they FINALLY decide to call the cops. One problem: the phones are now dead. Then Lila remembers her cell phone and they start looking for it. Then it rings! Lila finds it on a chair where she dropped it and answers. It’s the prank caller, once again warning her about midnight, but the call is cut off short. Lila drops the phone. BECAUSE SHE FAINTED. Damn. Where’s the girl that survived a plane crash and caught fish with her bare hands, naked? I miss her. Elizabeth tries to find Lila’s cell to call the police.
Jesus, another scene with someone being dragged through the woods. This time it’s Jessica. And she’s blindfolded. She’s not sure if it’s the Grunge Monkeys, but she thinks it might be. Jessica hears an owl hoot and thinks it might be the last sound she ever hears. One more person thinking they’re going to die. She hears one of her captors say, “One down, two to go. Lila and this girl’s twin.” Then someone else replies, in a distorted voice, that he’s going to “get them, and get them good.” And then he laughs maniacally. Jess realizes that Lila must have heard this guy earlier and feels bad for not taking her seriously. She tries to escape but to no avail.
Elizabeth reaches under the couch and finds Lila’s cell phone. She’s afraid it won’t work after being dropped, but it lights up. Then she hears some noises and realizes that someone else is in the house.
Jessica tries to escape, and succeeds for about 5 seconds. Then she is caught again. Wow, that was pointless.
Liz tries to wake Lila, but nothing doing. Liz hears a door open and leaves Lila sprawled across the middle of the floor to go hide in a cabinet under the bar. Evil! But the cabinet door squeaks loudly when she tries to open it. She lets go of the door, not wanting to lead the maniac to her with the noise. Then she hears him sing-songing her name in a distorted voice. “ E-liz-a-beth! E-liz-a-beth! Where aaaaare yoooou?” Liz freaks out and drops the phone with a clatter. The maniac has a flashlight and he eventually finds her. He even does that 2nd grade bullshit where he lights his own face from underneath. Liz screams. She is then carried off into the night, screaming Lila’s name.
Lila comes to and realizes that she’s alone. She hears her phone ring and scrambles over to where Liz dropped it behind the bar. She answers, thinking it’s the maniac, but what’s this? It’s Marnie? The twelve year old? From down the street? That Lila used to babysit (YEAH RIGHT)? Apparently Marnie had been making the calls along, mad that she wasn’t invited to the party. Her mom caught her making the last call, so she had to call and apologize. So if the prank caller isn’t the one cutting power and abducting people and making them think they’re going to die, THEN WHO IS IT? Lila tries to ask Marnie for help, but Marnie, like a bitch, hangs up on her. She tries to *69 Marnie (why didn’t she *69 the prank caller earlier?), but the number is blocked. Why doesn’t Lila just CALL THE COPS. God, one gentle breath and this fucking house-of-cards plot is blown to smithereens.
Psycho time! The maniac, who managed to slide open the porch doors and get inside, is trying to be quiet because he wants to see Lila’s terrified face up close and in person. Sick. The maniac decided not to bring his flashlight this time because he wanted this abduction to be “special.” He can’t find Lila in the ballroom. “She was obviously being crafty now, using her pretty little head…” Damn. When y’all find out who the maniac is you’re going to be so grossed out. I mean, we all know that Lila’s head, along with the rest of her, is gorgeous, but this is so condescending and weird. The maniac hears Lila trying to slip away and thinks about how it’s time for Lila to pay her dues and reap what she’s sown. “Lila, one moment you want to kiss her, the next you want to kill her…”
The maniac laughs, and Lila (who is hiding behind a pillar) realizes that he’s in the house. Lila tries to plot an escape route, but all of them are blocked. Now Lila is sure that she is going to die. How many does that make? Lila carefully inches to one of the sitting rooms, keeping her back against the wall. Once in the room she snuffs out all the candles. Then she opens a secret room behind some bookshelves. OH, A SECRET ROOM. Something like that could have really come in handy when all those other girls were with her. Too bad the secret room must not have existed then. So Lila finds the switch and closes the bookshelves, sealing herself into the secret room. Apparently, “being sealed off in the secret room was the next best thing to being rescued by a cop car.” Oh really? So the cops would be preferable to being basically held hostage in a secret room for an indeterminate amount of time? SO WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL THE COPS?
The maniac is now in the sitting room, Lila can hear him looking for her. She keeps silent as she thinks about how her parents are in the Mediterranean and how this is all probably some huge conspiracy aimed at her father. Whom she calls Daddy Fowler. Daddy Fowler. Oh my god. That is the stupidest thing ever. I bet the ghostwriters call him Daddy Fowler and somehow it never got caught in (nonexistent) editing and made it into the book. Daddy Fowler. Hah.
Psycho time! He’s appreciates Lila’s genius in snuffing out the candles, but is mad at her because he keeps tripping over random pieces of furniture. He feels a little sorry for Lila, thinking that she’s probably shivering in her heels, terrified. Then he starts thinking about how ridiculous that Lila thinks she can outsmart him and save herself.
Lila can hear the maniac getting frustrated and starts thinking of a million different people that it could be. AND THEN! The secret door opens! And Lila, she is grabbed! And the creepy, distorted maniac voice says, “Game over.” God. If only.
Lila tries to be stoic as she is dragged through the woods, after being tortured and afraid for her life all night.
Psycho time! Lila goes limp and the maniac thinks, “Obedience at last! She’s no match for me… in any way!” I am going to vomit, this is so sick.
Lila is dragged up some stairs and through a door. She realizes that this must be the Patman estate because it is secluded and large enough to hold all the party guests that were abducted, and the entire Patman family is out of the country. She thinks someone must be out to get both Fowler Futures and Patman Enterprises. Lila starts crying and thinks, “Wealth is a curse!” Noooo, Lila! No! She wishes she had gone easier on Bruce earlier, and is glad that he didn’t come back and wasn’t caught up in this nightmare.
Then the maniac turns on the light and takes off Lila’s blindfold. All of her party guests are crowded into the Patman living room, and they’re all yelling, “Surprise!!!” at her.
Someone turns on the music as Lila, in shock, turns around to face her abductor, torturer, and vandal… BRUCE PATMAN. WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT???
He wishes her a Happy New Year and tries to hug her, but she jumps back. He says that he got a flight home and thought of the best practical joke ever while on the plane. He figures that now they’re even since Lila was so mean to him on the phone earlier. He got some beefy guys from the rowing team to be his accomplices, and most of the people at the party were in on it and left of their own accord during the blackout, though they had to FORCIBLY ABDUCT some people who Bruce thought would tell Lila. Bruce found Lila in the secret room because apparently they made out in there once.
Lila give Bruce a castrating look of utmost loathing and BRUCE SEEMS SURPRISED THAT SHE’S MAD. He thinks she “deserved it” because she’s been giving him grief about being in Europe so long and was mean to him on the phone that morning. God, this is so fucked up. He wants them to forgive and forget and make out at midnight.
Bruce moves in for a kiss and Lila punches him in the eye. You’re damn straight! She finds Liz and Jess and they assure her that they knew nothing about it, and are furious too. They sit her down and give her a coke to get some glucose in her system. I think what Lila needs right now is a GLOCK. Lila sees Bruce holding an ice pack to his face. Her punching hand is tingling pleasantly. Hm. Maybe Lila’s a sociopath too! Bruce shows off his voice distorting device and Lila wants to shove it down his throat.
Liz is furious as she watches Bruce sidle up to Lila to try to get her to forgive him. She’s mad at Sam for not immediately going back to Fowler Crest to help once he realized what was going on. Bruce told Sam that Liz and Jess were in on it, but Liz thinks he’s stupid for believing that.
Lila lectures the Theta pledges about how there’s no way they’ll get in now. Jess and Neil have the same talk that Liz and Sam just had. Lila get furious at Bruce anew about lying to everyone and saying that Liz and Jess were in on it. Bruce lamely apologizes. The countdown to midnight starts and Lila slugs back some champagne. She’s glad the night she didn’t think she would survive was over.
Auld Lang Syne plays as people hug and kiss and drink. Alexenid, Denise, Liz, and Jess all think Lila did the right thing by dumping Bruce’s sociopathic ass. Lila cries again and says she’ll never speak to him again.
But Lila’s mood is slowly lifting as she walks back to her own house, her veins fizzing with champagne. Todd goes off on how stupid and immature Bruce is, which of course only endears Bruce to Lila since Todd is the one saying it. As she gets to her driveway, Bruce comes flying up behind her, apologizing proposing yacht trips to her. He says that he never meant to scare her so much, which is categorically untrue. He says that he’s nothing without her, which IS true, and after an internal struggle Lila jumps into his arms. Give me a goddamned break. I cannot believe that Lila wouldn’t be on the phones with her lawyers immediately, planning to put Bruce away for life, much less taking him back. It is so sick.
Oh, and what ever happened to Chloe? It actually was the Grunge Monkeys that kidnapped her. However, she’s not dead in a ditch. She’s trapped, unharmed, in a treehouse with no ladder. Do you care? I don’t care.
Sorry this recap was so long, but this book was so crazy and convoluted that I wanted people who had never read it to actually get what was going on. I may not have succeeded in that, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
A special note to Lila:
Dearest Lila,
You and me, we can get past this. We can pretend that this book never happened. We’ve known each other so long, I don’t want one balls-out crazy, character-assassinating plot to come between us. You will always be a part of me. I’m part of you indefinitely. Girl, don’t you know you can’t escape me? Oh, Lila, because you’ll always be my baby.
Love,
Sarah