SVU Thriller Edition: Killer Party, Part One
*This recap is long, so I'm splitting it into two posts*
SVU THRILLER EDITION: Killer Party
I had only heard about this legendary book, but then I found a copy at my local Half Price Book store a couple of days ago and it is RIDICULOUS. So it seems I have no choice but to write a recap, the fates demand it. So here we go. NOTE: This is going to be… thorough. Sorry guys!
This book is so stupid. It's like, by this point, they weren't even trying any more.
From the back cover:
"An invitation to die for...
Jessica, Elizabeth, and all their friends at SVU have been cordially invited... to the ultimate blow-out.
An end-of-the-millennium blast.
The party to end all parties.
It's bound to be the wildest night of their lives. The kind of night when anything- make that everything- could happen.
But not everyone is going to live to ring in the new year...
Thrills. Excitement. Mystery.
Sweet Valley University."
Wow, okay. Ellipses much? Build-up much? It's just a party. Also, judging from this blurb, you would THINK that someone dies, hence the not living to ring in the new year line. You would THINK. I was so excited by this, hoping to have another Olivia Davidson. This book failed me in so many ways.
Cover:
Oooh, trippy. And not scary. Lila looks good, for a forty year old desperate to reclaim her youth by going back to school and hanging out with kids half her age. Jessica and Elizabeth look... bad. Those dresses are hideous. And Jess (I think she's in the orange) has apparently decided to style her hair like the proud chonga she is, while Liz has opted not to style hers at all.
We open with Lila, Jessica, Elizabeth, Denise Waters, Alexenid Rollins, and Chloe Murphy at the Sweet Valley Esplanade, shopping for outfits to wear to Lila's New Year's Eve SUPER. EXLUSIVE. AWESOME. PARTY. (From here on out I will call it the SEAP.) Lila has been getting crank calls all morning from some chick who's pissed off that she wasn't invited to the SEAP. Lila's getting pissed that her phone line is being clogged by these dumb, quasi-threatening calls because she's waiting for Bruce to call and tell her when he's arriving in Sweet Valley from Europe (he's been there for three months). Lila is getting wowsers in her trousers just thinking about being back in Bruce's warm, comforting arms after so much time apart. Gross.
At some store Jess and Liz end up buying the same dress to wear that night in different colors. This scene totally bugged. I've known a lot of twins in my life: my cousins are identical girls, my best friends growing up were identical boys, I babysat for identical girls a few years ago, my good friends in high school were triplets, etc. And after the age of five NONE of them were ever seen in matching outfits again. So Jess and Liz, at twenty, wearing matching dresses to a SEAP is just silly. The thought of Jess deigning to wear something that dowdy old Liz would wear to a SEAP is nothing short of character assassination. I just won't stand for it.
So whatevs. The girls are all getting clothes to wear, and Chloe, the Theta-hopeful, is hoping to "hook up" at the party that night. It is so jarring to see slang like that in Sweet Valley books. It seems like she should be hoping to "get pinned" or some shit. Hook up. Ew. This is not MTV, Francine! Chloe is annoying as hell, like an overeager puppy nipping at Lila's heels. She's so desperate for approval she's practically sweating. I don't understand why she was invited to such a SUPER. EXCLUSIVE. AWESOME. PARTY. Oh wait. Her family is friends with Lila's, that's why. That's also why Sean Ericson was invited to all my birthday parties up until eighth grade when I finally convinced my parents that he was simply too strange to be allowed. He got me a geode from the science museum gift shop every single year. I have no idea why.
Anyways, Jess isn't looking for a boyfriend, just someone to flirt the night away with. She thinks this is a sign of her maturity or some shit. Whatever, Jessica! Direct quote: "Zero supervision equals zero inhibition!" They keep making reference to the fact that there will be no parents or servants to chaperone this party, like Jess isn't passed out drunk on the floor of a frat house every other weekend. You people are in college! Adults! WHY WOULD THERE EVER BE PARENTS AT YOUR PARTIES? WHY? This is so dumb. It's like a twelve year old's idea of what being twenty will be like. Except the twelve year old is actually an orangutan.
Lila's cell phone (which is basically the main character of this book) rings and she ends up getting another crank call in front of all the girls. They have a boring, eight year long discussion about whether or not Lila should call the police. Liz, predictably, thinks she should. Lila, predictably, does not give a single shit what Liz thinks, and thus declines. Ain't nobody gonna break her stride! New Year's Eve is supposed to be a day of nonstop fun, right? RIGHT!!!
As they're leaving a skincare store Snoop Brucie Bruce finally calls Lila. Bad news: Daddy Patman needs the private jet and there's no way Prince Bruce will be flying commercial with the peasants so Lila's on her own for NYE. Lila, of course, is pissed as hell that Bruce isn't MOVING MOUNTAINS to be by her side after three months of separation. Bruce tries to baby, darling, sweetie-doll her, but Lila ain't having it. She brutally breaks up with him and hangs up the phone. Her phone rings soon after and Lila thinks it's Bruce calling to apologize. She's all ready to forgive him after he grovels, but it ends up being another stupid crank call. The caller tells Lila that she will regret not inviting her to her stupid party, and to beware when the clock strikes 12.
Lila is still upset about Bruce, so Denise tries to comfort her by saying, "I'm not trying to take his side or anything, but it is really tough to get last-minute flights on New Year's Eve..." to which Lila (awesomely) responds, "Tough? What would Bruce know about tough? The guy's been in a cotton-padded cocoon since the day he was born." Right on, Lila! If you promise not to tell Jess I'll tell you a secret. Are you ready? You're my favorite.
Lila is still moaning about how her entire life is falling apart, so Jess says, "Your whole life? Bruce is not your whole life, Lila. You're still your own person, and you've got a crowd of friends here to prove it." What is this? Logic? Sound advice? From Jessica Wakefield? SO. WEIRD. My head hurts and I swear I just felt the earth shift on its axis. I almost fell.
With thoughts of the looming SEAP, Lila perks up a bit and they continue on their shopping adventure. Everyone is ready to leave, but they can't find Chloe. Lila is the one who spots her, surrounded by a pack of greasy grunge monkeys (this book was published in 2000. NO ONE who hung out at the mall was still wearing grunge), handing out Lila's address and the deets for the party that night. Lila is justifiably furious and tells the dudes that the party is cancelled and then breaks Chloe in half with a flick of her wrist, without even scratching her solid gold Rolex. Well, not really, but she does tell Chloe how dumb it is to invite ugly, poor people to a SUPER. EXCLUSIVE. AWESOME. PARTY. at a mansion and also to start "using her nut." Was this ghostwriter British? I remember reading more British-isms throughout this book, but of course now I can't think of any more examples.
Chloe apologizes and grovels like a bitch, and Lila whatevers. Lila drops the twins off at their duplex. Jess offers to go home with Lila because she doesn't think she should be alone, but Lila refuses on the grounds that there are not enough mirrors in all of Fowler Crest for these two narcissistic biotches to get ready for a SEAP at the same time.
Lila spends a good two and a half pages admiring herself in her party garb before catching a glimpse of a snapshot of her and Bruce on the beach and getting all sad again. She waffles between wanting him back and wanting him dead.
The party starts. Lila has blocked off the entire house except for the ballroom, two sitting rooms, the deck, and, presumably, at least one bathroom. There is a DJ by the name of Bobby Brooks, who is apparently an SVU student from Manhattan. There are swirly graphics projected on the walls, disco balls hanging from the ceiling, and AGAIN it is mentioned that there are no chaperones. DUH! There are, however, mini shrimp quesadillas, which sound disgusting. Lila offers Jess a dang quesadilla and Jess says, "maybe one" and ends up eating like, all of them. Watch out for that sophomore sixteen, Jess! Wouldn't want to ruin that perfect size six figure.
Jess invites Lila onto the floor to salsa, but Lila gets caught up in a memory of "her and Bruce smoldering through an Argentinean tango," and is all sad again. Lila might have borderline personality disorder for real. Homegirl is moodswinging every other second. Get it together, Lila! Also: Bruce does not smolder. Ew. Lila explains to Jess that she's "having a wobbly." Okay, either this ghostwriter is British, or she thinks Sweet Valley is in Kent. Does no one EDIT these books??
Lila notes that the elder Patmans are in the south of France (her parents are in Greece) and goes out to mingle on the deck. Lila thinks Liz and Nina look sexy. Methinks Lila is on the rebound. God, this shit is so boring. For all that they built it up, this party sounds pretty lame. Who goes through all this trouble and only invites 40 people? I understand that it's SUPER. EXCLUSIVE. but jesus. Blah, blah, Jess and Liz's housemate Sam Burgess is there, and apparently Sam, he smolders too. Lila forces him to dance with her even though he's all moony over Liz. Todd thinks that Lila got roped into dancing with Sam somehow and tries to cut in to "rescue" her. Lila is all, sit the fuck down, Todd! I wanted this! But Sam has already run away to stare at Liz some more. Todd sees that Lila is upset about Bruce (he dabs away one of her tears! They're so gonna do it!) so he tries to talk Bruce up so Lila will give him a second chance, but, understandably, he's having a hard time thinking of anything good to say.
Then the lameass grunge monkeys Chloe the Stupid invited at the mall crash Lila's party with kegs and whatnot. Has this ghostwriter ever been to a party? Crashers don't bring supplies, they mooch. They would have been all up in Lila's peach champagne, not bringing their own beer. This is so dumb. Anyways, eight more years go by as Lila tries to get them to leave by saying she's going to call the cops. The crasher grunge monkeys glare daggers at her and don't budge. Jess gives her housemate Neil this lame glittery red party hat and makes him wear it. Like, he's gay, Jess, not seven. Anyways, Neil, still wearing his dumbass little hat, threatens to get physical with the crashers. Then Lila finally makes a move for the phone and they finally leave, threatening that Lila will be "so-rry" she dissed them.
Psycho time! Now we get a couple of priceless pages from the perspective of someone hiding in the bushes outside the house, watching Lila up on the deck. WHO COULD IT BE?? I mean, seriously, who? On my initial read of this book I had no clue because it makes no goddamn sense. When we do find out who it is though, it casts all this creepiness in an even more perverse, fucked up light. "Nobody treats me like that! Nobody! Especially not her! She might think she can behave however she likes, but she'll think differently after tonight! Very differently!"
Chloe approaches Lila to apologize for being a magnificent dumbass. Lila disses and dismisses her. That's when everyone realizes that the crashers are still outside standing by their cars... plotting. Todd tries to comfort Lila (he's so in love with her! Get in line, Todd!) by saying that the crashers are outnumbered and aren't going to try anything. Lila decides to let it go, and the music starts back up. Lila forces Sam to dance with her again and is all feeling him up on the dance floor. This is really making her happy. The wowsers in her trousers, they are back. But then! The lights go out!
Screams! Shrieks! Confusion! DARKNESS!
SVU THRILLER EDITION: Killer Party
I had only heard about this legendary book, but then I found a copy at my local Half Price Book store a couple of days ago and it is RIDICULOUS. So it seems I have no choice but to write a recap, the fates demand it. So here we go. NOTE: This is going to be… thorough. Sorry guys!
This book is so stupid. It's like, by this point, they weren't even trying any more.
From the back cover:
"An invitation to die for...
Jessica, Elizabeth, and all their friends at SVU have been cordially invited... to the ultimate blow-out.
An end-of-the-millennium blast.
The party to end all parties.
It's bound to be the wildest night of their lives. The kind of night when anything- make that everything- could happen.
But not everyone is going to live to ring in the new year...
Thrills. Excitement. Mystery.
Sweet Valley University."
Wow, okay. Ellipses much? Build-up much? It's just a party. Also, judging from this blurb, you would THINK that someone dies, hence the not living to ring in the new year line. You would THINK. I was so excited by this, hoping to have another Olivia Davidson. This book failed me in so many ways.
Cover:
Oooh, trippy. And not scary. Lila looks good, for a forty year old desperate to reclaim her youth by going back to school and hanging out with kids half her age. Jessica and Elizabeth look... bad. Those dresses are hideous. And Jess (I think she's in the orange) has apparently decided to style her hair like the proud chonga she is, while Liz has opted not to style hers at all.
We open with Lila, Jessica, Elizabeth, Denise Waters, Alexenid Rollins, and Chloe Murphy at the Sweet Valley Esplanade, shopping for outfits to wear to Lila's New Year's Eve SUPER. EXLUSIVE. AWESOME. PARTY. (From here on out I will call it the SEAP.) Lila has been getting crank calls all morning from some chick who's pissed off that she wasn't invited to the SEAP. Lila's getting pissed that her phone line is being clogged by these dumb, quasi-threatening calls because she's waiting for Bruce to call and tell her when he's arriving in Sweet Valley from Europe (he's been there for three months). Lila is getting wowsers in her trousers just thinking about being back in Bruce's warm, comforting arms after so much time apart. Gross.
At some store Jess and Liz end up buying the same dress to wear that night in different colors. This scene totally bugged. I've known a lot of twins in my life: my cousins are identical girls, my best friends growing up were identical boys, I babysat for identical girls a few years ago, my good friends in high school were triplets, etc. And after the age of five NONE of them were ever seen in matching outfits again. So Jess and Liz, at twenty, wearing matching dresses to a SEAP is just silly. The thought of Jess deigning to wear something that dowdy old Liz would wear to a SEAP is nothing short of character assassination. I just won't stand for it.
So whatevs. The girls are all getting clothes to wear, and Chloe, the Theta-hopeful, is hoping to "hook up" at the party that night. It is so jarring to see slang like that in Sweet Valley books. It seems like she should be hoping to "get pinned" or some shit. Hook up. Ew. This is not MTV, Francine! Chloe is annoying as hell, like an overeager puppy nipping at Lila's heels. She's so desperate for approval she's practically sweating. I don't understand why she was invited to such a SUPER. EXCLUSIVE. AWESOME. PARTY. Oh wait. Her family is friends with Lila's, that's why. That's also why Sean Ericson was invited to all my birthday parties up until eighth grade when I finally convinced my parents that he was simply too strange to be allowed. He got me a geode from the science museum gift shop every single year. I have no idea why.
Anyways, Jess isn't looking for a boyfriend, just someone to flirt the night away with. She thinks this is a sign of her maturity or some shit. Whatever, Jessica! Direct quote: "Zero supervision equals zero inhibition!" They keep making reference to the fact that there will be no parents or servants to chaperone this party, like Jess isn't passed out drunk on the floor of a frat house every other weekend. You people are in college! Adults! WHY WOULD THERE EVER BE PARENTS AT YOUR PARTIES? WHY? This is so dumb. It's like a twelve year old's idea of what being twenty will be like. Except the twelve year old is actually an orangutan.
Lila's cell phone (which is basically the main character of this book) rings and she ends up getting another crank call in front of all the girls. They have a boring, eight year long discussion about whether or not Lila should call the police. Liz, predictably, thinks she should. Lila, predictably, does not give a single shit what Liz thinks, and thus declines. Ain't nobody gonna break her stride! New Year's Eve is supposed to be a day of nonstop fun, right? RIGHT!!!
As they're leaving a skincare store Snoop Brucie Bruce finally calls Lila. Bad news: Daddy Patman needs the private jet and there's no way Prince Bruce will be flying commercial with the peasants so Lila's on her own for NYE. Lila, of course, is pissed as hell that Bruce isn't MOVING MOUNTAINS to be by her side after three months of separation. Bruce tries to baby, darling, sweetie-doll her, but Lila ain't having it. She brutally breaks up with him and hangs up the phone. Her phone rings soon after and Lila thinks it's Bruce calling to apologize. She's all ready to forgive him after he grovels, but it ends up being another stupid crank call. The caller tells Lila that she will regret not inviting her to her stupid party, and to beware when the clock strikes 12.
Lila is still upset about Bruce, so Denise tries to comfort her by saying, "I'm not trying to take his side or anything, but it is really tough to get last-minute flights on New Year's Eve..." to which Lila (awesomely) responds, "Tough? What would Bruce know about tough? The guy's been in a cotton-padded cocoon since the day he was born." Right on, Lila! If you promise not to tell Jess I'll tell you a secret. Are you ready? You're my favorite.
Lila is still moaning about how her entire life is falling apart, so Jess says, "Your whole life? Bruce is not your whole life, Lila. You're still your own person, and you've got a crowd of friends here to prove it." What is this? Logic? Sound advice? From Jessica Wakefield? SO. WEIRD. My head hurts and I swear I just felt the earth shift on its axis. I almost fell.
With thoughts of the looming SEAP, Lila perks up a bit and they continue on their shopping adventure. Everyone is ready to leave, but they can't find Chloe. Lila is the one who spots her, surrounded by a pack of greasy grunge monkeys (this book was published in 2000. NO ONE who hung out at the mall was still wearing grunge), handing out Lila's address and the deets for the party that night. Lila is justifiably furious and tells the dudes that the party is cancelled and then breaks Chloe in half with a flick of her wrist, without even scratching her solid gold Rolex. Well, not really, but she does tell Chloe how dumb it is to invite ugly, poor people to a SUPER. EXCLUSIVE. AWESOME. PARTY. at a mansion and also to start "using her nut." Was this ghostwriter British? I remember reading more British-isms throughout this book, but of course now I can't think of any more examples.
Chloe apologizes and grovels like a bitch, and Lila whatevers. Lila drops the twins off at their duplex. Jess offers to go home with Lila because she doesn't think she should be alone, but Lila refuses on the grounds that there are not enough mirrors in all of Fowler Crest for these two narcissistic biotches to get ready for a SEAP at the same time.
Lila spends a good two and a half pages admiring herself in her party garb before catching a glimpse of a snapshot of her and Bruce on the beach and getting all sad again. She waffles between wanting him back and wanting him dead.
The party starts. Lila has blocked off the entire house except for the ballroom, two sitting rooms, the deck, and, presumably, at least one bathroom. There is a DJ by the name of Bobby Brooks, who is apparently an SVU student from Manhattan. There are swirly graphics projected on the walls, disco balls hanging from the ceiling, and AGAIN it is mentioned that there are no chaperones. DUH! There are, however, mini shrimp quesadillas, which sound disgusting. Lila offers Jess a dang quesadilla and Jess says, "maybe one" and ends up eating like, all of them. Watch out for that sophomore sixteen, Jess! Wouldn't want to ruin that perfect size six figure.
Jess invites Lila onto the floor to salsa, but Lila gets caught up in a memory of "her and Bruce smoldering through an Argentinean tango," and is all sad again. Lila might have borderline personality disorder for real. Homegirl is moodswinging every other second. Get it together, Lila! Also: Bruce does not smolder. Ew. Lila explains to Jess that she's "having a wobbly." Okay, either this ghostwriter is British, or she thinks Sweet Valley is in Kent. Does no one EDIT these books??
Lila notes that the elder Patmans are in the south of France (her parents are in Greece) and goes out to mingle on the deck. Lila thinks Liz and Nina look sexy. Methinks Lila is on the rebound. God, this shit is so boring. For all that they built it up, this party sounds pretty lame. Who goes through all this trouble and only invites 40 people? I understand that it's SUPER. EXCLUSIVE. but jesus. Blah, blah, Jess and Liz's housemate Sam Burgess is there, and apparently Sam, he smolders too. Lila forces him to dance with her even though he's all moony over Liz. Todd thinks that Lila got roped into dancing with Sam somehow and tries to cut in to "rescue" her. Lila is all, sit the fuck down, Todd! I wanted this! But Sam has already run away to stare at Liz some more. Todd sees that Lila is upset about Bruce (he dabs away one of her tears! They're so gonna do it!) so he tries to talk Bruce up so Lila will give him a second chance, but, understandably, he's having a hard time thinking of anything good to say.
Then the lameass grunge monkeys Chloe the Stupid invited at the mall crash Lila's party with kegs and whatnot. Has this ghostwriter ever been to a party? Crashers don't bring supplies, they mooch. They would have been all up in Lila's peach champagne, not bringing their own beer. This is so dumb. Anyways, eight more years go by as Lila tries to get them to leave by saying she's going to call the cops. The crasher grunge monkeys glare daggers at her and don't budge. Jess gives her housemate Neil this lame glittery red party hat and makes him wear it. Like, he's gay, Jess, not seven. Anyways, Neil, still wearing his dumbass little hat, threatens to get physical with the crashers. Then Lila finally makes a move for the phone and they finally leave, threatening that Lila will be "so-rry" she dissed them.
Psycho time! Now we get a couple of priceless pages from the perspective of someone hiding in the bushes outside the house, watching Lila up on the deck. WHO COULD IT BE?? I mean, seriously, who? On my initial read of this book I had no clue because it makes no goddamn sense. When we do find out who it is though, it casts all this creepiness in an even more perverse, fucked up light. "Nobody treats me like that! Nobody! Especially not her! She might think she can behave however she likes, but she'll think differently after tonight! Very differently!"
Chloe approaches Lila to apologize for being a magnificent dumbass. Lila disses and dismisses her. That's when everyone realizes that the crashers are still outside standing by their cars... plotting. Todd tries to comfort Lila (he's so in love with her! Get in line, Todd!) by saying that the crashers are outnumbered and aren't going to try anything. Lila decides to let it go, and the music starts back up. Lila forces Sam to dance with her again and is all feeling him up on the dance floor. This is really making her happy. The wowsers in her trousers, they are back. But then! The lights go out!
Screams! Shrieks! Confusion! DARKNESS!