Comments | windscreamsmary: this is my heart bleeding before you [this is me down on my knees]

roundthedawn in windscreamsmary

this is my heart bleeding before you [this is me down on my knees]

Oct 08, 2006 01:35

There are days when you don't want to get out of bed. You just want to stay there curled up and warm because there's this feeling inside that tells you that if you get out of bed you'll regret it. Of course when you have my roommate there's that other instant reaction of get out as fast as you can. So of course I got out of bed this morning ( Read more... )

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goshmomgeedad October 8 2006, 20:55:17 UTC

I'm not sure how I end up doing these things. I'm sure someone could like analyze that for me, but personally I'll skip the inevitable mindfuck of learning why I do the things I do. Maybe it's just me. And maybe I never wanted to change in the first place. Maybe I hadn't changed. And maybe Dawn should have known that.

Maybe Madison is just an easy whore that I don't have to pay. Oh, no, Madison is definitely an easy whore that I don't have to pay. Then again, I learned fairly quickly that it's easy to turn those hateful spiteful feelings into anything else - and often the complete opposite.

Especially if there's alcohol involved.

It's a fine line and Maddy truthfully just wanted a little bit of her queenly attention she'd been lacking the whole time here. She just wanted to feel like she was loved and maybe I helped with that but sometimes I so fucking sick of not feeling anything that I'd do anything to feel something ( ... )

roundthedawn October 8 2006, 21:22:00 UTC

I think I expected Logan to just sit there and barely react and I expected Madison to be the one to freak out and run straight into the bathroom to cover up her shame. Because she should be ashamed but so should he. God he's just staring at me like he's waiting for something and I just stare back, mouth agape and trying to keep my eyes from watering but failing miserably at that ( ... )

goshmomgeedad October 8 2006, 21:51:37 UTC

I almost laugh but it's because I flinch and look away at the sight of her eyes watering before beating it into my head that I have no reason once so ever to feel like I need to be comforting her right now. And maybe I'm a jackass for believing that she brought it on herself anyway.

We have like a full minute of the two of us just staring each other down wondering what the fuck is wrong either of us. But she's the first one to speak after Madison leaves with some snide comment - Oh well, I won't be hitting that again. Dawn's face is still angry and her voice still utterly disgusted with me.

Dawn knew about this. She had to know about it because there was no secret about me fucking myself up with others. I screwed other people and not once did it make me feel better. There's relief for about two seconds and then you realize that you have to turn around and look at the other person when for the most part all you want to do at that moment is leave them behind with your sweat cooling on them.

"You're just going to sit there aren't you ( ... )

roundthedawn October 8 2006, 22:35:04 UTC

I just glare at him when he says he doesn't want to change in front of me. He can fuck in front of me but he can't change in front of me? Like Logan has any sense of modesty what so ever? Forget that. I know him better. Which is why I should fucking know better than to expect any less. Really I shouldn't be this upset and I know it and that just serves to make me more upset ( ... )

goshmomgeedad October 8 2006, 23:26:12 UTC

I can't do anything but hold my cheek in shock at the fact that she hit me. You know, besides the fact that it already fucking hurt to see her in tears, to see her everyday and to be so fucking close to her and far apart at the same time, beside that... it fucking stung when her hand collided hard with my cheek that it probably left a streak of red ( ... )

roundthedawn October 8 2006, 23:41:23 UTC

His eyes water and I'm in total shock of the fact that I hit him and then he's comparing me to his father. He just practically called me no better than that fucking bastard who raised him. I can't think or speak but I don't really have time to process it much more than the hard sting inside throbbing through my whole body. And he's kicking Madison's bed and cursing me and I don't know what to say so I stand there and take it ( ... )

goshmomgeedad October 9 2006, 02:13:07 UTC

I let out this huge sob like sound I swore I didn't know I possessed until it slipped from my lips and my chest aches and I shut my eyes like that's going to fucking hold tears back. And I hate that she's standing here looking at me like she actually thought better of me before this whole thing - like she didn't expect all of this to just come undone.

"Oh give it up," I half-scoff towards her, wiping harshly at my face - angry at myself for the complete and utter lack of control coming undone. I barely let her finish her sentence, my words overlapping with hers while she calls me a fucking asshole. "You keep me at a distance!" I tell her, my voice raising. "You are so fucking afraid of me all the damn time, Dawn, so don't even tell me that you let me in. You hide yourself more than I do ( ... )

roundthedawn October 9 2006, 04:16:19 UTC

He's screaming at me practically and he's not wrong but he's not right either. He's seen more of me than anyone else. He's been there when I come knocking on his door at two am with scrapes because I was out with Leslie and it got intense and he never asks why. He listens to me bitch about Buffy and he even holds me when I'm close to tears even though I've never cried in front of him before ( ... )

goshmomgeedad October 10 2006, 02:46:46 UTC

I feel like I'm being torn down the middle between the two of us screaming at each other and everything else it's hard to breathe. And she's crying and I know that's because I made her cry and I hurt her and like always I can't fucking deal with the aftermath of it. I'm the catharsis leading to the break down and I hate myself for being involved with her in the first place, for bothering to go to school when all I wanted to do was waste away, and for putting her through me. I was the last thing she would ever deserve ( ... )

roundthedawn October 10 2006, 04:38:47 UTC

I don't know how long he just stared at me blocking his escape, he looked like a caged animal looking for an escape. And I hated that he wanted to escape so badly, he wanted to get away from my pain and wasn't that exactly what I'd been worried about all along?

But no matter how torn apart I was at his pain. He could not just expect a free pass from his guilt. He couldn't just get out of dealing with this. I wasn't going to let him. I should have known better but I didn't, I should have expected this but I didn't. So no, this isn't a get out 'lack-of-relationship' free card ( ... )

goshmomgeedad October 29 2006, 03:02:12 UTC

Fuck me so badly for just wanting to take off at this moment and leave her behind. I had had the love and loss. In fact, it was starting to be this vicious cycle or something. Girls I loved tended to cheat on me or abandon me or, hell, both. I had this habit of picking emotionally unavailable women. So, maybe it was me instead of them or maybe it was the mix but I had been the one fucking up again.

Or like always. I can fucking tell anymore.

I just asked her what she wanted and she told me. She said "Don't leave" and all I could think about was leaving. Because maybe it's best for the two of us if I do - plus this whole 'leaving the scene of the crime' thing I've got going on. It was getting under my skin.

I wanted to look shocked when she yelled at me, talking about how she loved me or how I was her best friend and that these things don't go away just because I fuck up. Even worse, I've played into both of our little self fulfilling prophecies ( ... )

roundthedawn October 29 2006, 03:28:42 UTC

He sat down on Madison's bed and my brain flashed to what I'd seen when I'd walked into the room. It made my stomach turn over but it wasn't going to change anything. Like I said, just because he did this didn't mean how I felt went away. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't love him, I wouldn't feel like I was bleeding to death inside if I didn't just want to take him in my arms and absolve him of his sins.

I wanted to tell him it was okay but I couldn't because it wasn't and it never would be.

At least he wasn't trying to leave anymore, that was progress, even though the room was starting to feel opressive.

I closed my eyes when he said he was the one who didn't leave. I wanted to believe that, I really desperately wanted to believe it but it was hard when everyone in my life had shown me otherwise. I couldn't even explain it to him, I couldn't because if I did then he'd know and all this bravado would be gone. I wanted to trust that he was different but that was just so fucking hard ( ... )

goshmomgeedad October 29 2006, 04:03:39 UTC

There had only been one person in my life for the last few months - and maybe that's a little pathetic because we started out hating each other. I mean, every so often Dick would come over in his depression and we'd drink - but that was Dick and it was just weird after all that shit with Cassidy went down.

There'd just been only one person there. And she came over on the anniversary of my mom's death and she watched videos on TV with me over the phone and she stood up for me even when I didn't deserve it. Especially when I didn't. But she didn't just take it either.

When she tells me to look at her and I refuse silently by continuing to look down even though she makes me drop my shirt by taking my hands in hers. She reaches and lifts my chin so I do anyway. She makes me face her as she tells me that she reiterates that she loves me - "I love you and that ... is the only thing I'm sure of in my life right now." - and I'm not sure if I should cry or smile. I feel like both ( ... )

roundthedawn October 29 2006, 04:18:35 UTC

A lot of people wouldn't understand why I'm doing this. Why I'm still standing here, why I kissed him, asked him not to leave and told him that I loved him. After what he did, I think most people would throw him out on his ass and try to forget they ever knew him. But the thing is, I've gotten to know Logan pretty well since we met.

I've seen him lash out and push people away and I also know myself.

If you fuck it up first it won't hurt as bad as if they leave you all on their own. It was a defense mechanism and that really didn't make it okay or anything or the sort but I knew why. At least I thought that I did.

He kissed me back and I was releaved, it was aquesence, acceptance. He wasn't going to go away.

"I am so sorry," I shook my head slightly as he kissed me again. It was one of those things. When you realize that fear's been holding you back and you wonder how the fuck you could have not had this before now. Why you let insecurity and doubt cloud everything else ( ... )

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