Comments | windscreamsmary: this is my heart bleeding before you [this is me down on my knees]

roundthedawn in windscreamsmary

this is my heart bleeding before you [this is me down on my knees]

Oct 08, 2006 01:35

There are days when you don't want to get out of bed. You just want to stay there curled up and warm because there's this feeling inside that tells you that if you get out of bed you'll regret it. Of course when you have my roommate there's that other instant reaction of get out as fast as you can. So of course I got out of bed this morning ( Read more... )

Comments 16

goshmomgeedad October 8 2006, 20:55:17 UTC

I'm not sure how I end up doing these things. I'm sure someone could like analyze that for me, but personally I'll skip the inevitable mindfuck of learning why I do the things I do. Maybe it's just me. And maybe I never wanted to change in the first place. Maybe I hadn't changed. And maybe Dawn should have known that.

Maybe Madison is just an easy whore that I don't have to pay. Oh, no, Madison is definitely an easy whore that I don't have to pay. Then again, I learned fairly quickly that it's easy to turn those hateful spiteful feelings into anything else - and often the complete opposite.

Especially if there's alcohol involved.

It's a fine line and Maddy truthfully just wanted a little bit of her queenly attention she'd been lacking the whole time here. She just wanted to feel like she was loved and maybe I helped with that but sometimes I so fucking sick of not feeling anything that I'd do anything to feel something ( ... )

roundthedawn October 8 2006, 21:22:00 UTC

I think I expected Logan to just sit there and barely react and I expected Madison to be the one to freak out and run straight into the bathroom to cover up her shame. Because she should be ashamed but so should he. God he's just staring at me like he's waiting for something and I just stare back, mouth agape and trying to keep my eyes from watering but failing miserably at that ( ... )

goshmomgeedad October 8 2006, 21:51:37 UTC

I almost laugh but it's because I flinch and look away at the sight of her eyes watering before beating it into my head that I have no reason once so ever to feel like I need to be comforting her right now. And maybe I'm a jackass for believing that she brought it on herself anyway.

We have like a full minute of the two of us just staring each other down wondering what the fuck is wrong either of us. But she's the first one to speak after Madison leaves with some snide comment - Oh well, I won't be hitting that again. Dawn's face is still angry and her voice still utterly disgusted with me.

Dawn knew about this. She had to know about it because there was no secret about me fucking myself up with others. I screwed other people and not once did it make me feel better. There's relief for about two seconds and then you realize that you have to turn around and look at the other person when for the most part all you want to do at that moment is leave them behind with your sweat cooling on them.

"You're just going to sit there aren't you ( ... )

roundthedawn October 8 2006, 22:35:04 UTC

I just glare at him when he says he doesn't want to change in front of me. He can fuck in front of me but he can't change in front of me? Like Logan has any sense of modesty what so ever? Forget that. I know him better. Which is why I should fucking know better than to expect any less. Really I shouldn't be this upset and I know it and that just serves to make me more upset ( ... )

Thread 14

goshmomgeedad November 19 2006, 11:24:21 UTC

I just wanted to shut my eyes and make the world go away. I had long since sobered up through our argument. I'd barely been intoxicated to start with and really when I saw Madison in the first place sex hadn't been the thing I had in mind. I don't think I'd mind using the word hate along with Madison Sinclair, but simply I just had no use for her. It was like some sort of contest I was having with myself to see how much I could possibly lose at once ( ... )

roundthedawn December 9 2006, 23:32:45 UTC

All is not forgiven and forgotten. The world hasn't righted itself but I think that somehow things are going to be okay. He's so going to pay for this, he's going to have to earn my trust back and I think deep down he knows that.

And it's weird because I have faith. Can you believe that? I have faith. Though I think it's a really good idea if I never mention this to Buffy or Angel. I doubt they'd be as understanding as I am. Even though they both know what its like to be so fucking in love with someone that nothing else really matters.

I wasn't so sure that Logan could possibly teach me anything about fear but at the same time I'm not sure I should discount his experiences.

"There are things about me I'm not ready to share," I say as I look up at him. "You need to give me time, if you can."

I didn't know if it was the best move, to wait to tell him. I wasn't sure I could possibly fall any harder for him than I already have so maybe a part of me was just wanting to experience some of the good of this before I fucked it all up ( ... )