this is my heart bleeding before you [this is me down on my knees]

[roundthedawn]

There are days when you don't want to get out of bed. You just want to stay there curled up and warm because there's this feeling inside that tells you that if you get out of bed you'll regret it. Of course when you have my roommate there's that other instant reaction of get out as fast as you can. So of course I got out of bed this morning

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[goshmomgeedad]

I just wanted to shut my eyes and make the world go away. I had long since sobered up through our argument. I'd barely been intoxicated to start with and really when I saw Madison in the first place sex hadn't been the thing I had in mind. I don't think I'd mind using the word hate along with Madison Sinclair, but simply I just had no use for her. It was like some sort of contest I was having with myself to see how much I could possibly lose at once.

And I was sure Dawn wasn't coming back. There was still only so much the people you loved would stand and I had always been determined to test those limits. Because the people you loved would eventually leave whether you wanted it or not. I guess I just thought things would be better if they were leaving sooner.

People are alone in the end. It's like some goddamn law. You live and you die. And maybe you pro-create in between, but mostly you live and die. Or lead some boring suburban life.

It was all a crock.

Or maybe I was because I fell for someone again.

"I have a few things to tell you about fear," I told Dawn softly, smirking vaguely about her comment of castration as I leaned my head back against hers. Even though I was the one who kissed her first. The one that could put myself just out there on the line again and again, I didn't feel like that person. Veronica, even Lilly, had called me some scared little boy more than once - and I was. I was terrified.

Letting out a soft breath, I leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Yeah, let's go back to my place."

[roundthedawn]

All is not forgiven and forgotten. The world hasn't righted itself but I think that somehow things are going to be okay. He's so going to pay for this, he's going to have to earn my trust back and I think deep down he knows that.

And it's weird because I have faith. Can you believe that? I have faith. Though I think it's a really good idea if I never mention this to Buffy or Angel. I doubt they'd be as understanding as I am. Even though they both know what its like to be so fucking in love with someone that nothing else really matters.

I wasn't so sure that Logan could possibly teach me anything about fear but at the same time I'm not sure I should discount his experiences.

"There are things about me I'm not ready to share," I say as I look up at him. "You need to give me time, if you can."

I didn't know if it was the best move, to wait to tell him. I wasn't sure I could possibly fall any harder for him than I already have so maybe a part of me was just wanting to experience some of the good of this before I fucked it all up with the truth.

I just hope he can accept that I need time. It's not fair but really after today I'm really just not ready to let out all my darkest secrets.

He kisses my forehead and says that yes we should go back to his apartment. I nod and get up, heading over to my bed to grab my bag and coat, I throw a change of clothes into another small bag because really I have no intention of sleeping in my own room tonight. Not until it has time to air out and stop smelling like sex.

I've crashed with Logan before so it's not a big deal. Sadly, He's still not getting to finish tonight. We're not quite there yet but it would be good if I could fall asleep in his arms.

I think I might just be a little crazy.