this is my heart bleeding before you [this is me down on my knees]
There are days when you don't want to get out of bed. You just want to stay there curled up and warm because there's this feeling inside that tells you that if you get out of bed you'll regret it. Of course when you have my roommate there's that other instant reaction of get out as fast as you can. So of course I got out of bed this morning.
Most of the day I felt that fear, like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop but everything seemed normal. I went to class, I got an A on my latin midterm, my history paper was used as an example in class, my dancing instructor was raving about me to this scout of one of LA's prestigous companies. I got a call from Buffy, she was going to be in town in a couple of weeks to see me. Which of course meant she was going to see Angel. Whatever she could use me as an excuse if she wanted. I had lunch with Logan and then there was this study session in the library with Will and a few others from Latin class.
The day didn't feel like it was going to be that bad anymore but I couldn't wipe the feeling of dread in my stomach. I ended up having to cancel my plans that night with Logan, we were going to watch a movie or something, we didn't have our last rehearsal for a couple of days so we got to relax. I had to help Leslie figure out what this demon was, which led us to the Hyperion where I had to hear lectures from Angel for like two hours. He kept warning me about keeping my gaurd up and probably all kinds of things Buffy had already told me a million times before.
Hello, I'm nearly 19, get off my ass!
Anyways, so I was late getting home. Not keg party late like Madison usually was but late enough to be a little quieter than usual. As soon as my key turned in the lock and the door was a fraction of a inch open I could hear the moaning and I nearly turned around and left. I could stay at Leslie's or call Logan ...
That's when my stomach felt like it dropped out. The door was open and the light was off but I just knew. I knew what was happening before my eyes totally adjusted to the sight.
Logan and Madison, having sex, in my room. I felt sick. I felt hurt and betrayed and forget that Logan and I are just friends it felt like a knife twisting in my gut because we aren't just friends. I love him and he's in here fucking Madison of all people. It wasn't like I didn't date, but dating people was easy, they had no power. Logan did as he's demonstrating right now while I feel like my heart is breaking.
Goddamnit.
This was it! This was why I didn't want to get involved with him. He's scary and complicated and does shit like this! He hates her, he fucking hates her but he can fuck her? I don't get it, I don't want to get it and I don't want to feel this way. I never did and I shouldn't have ... friends, we're friends. And he's my best friend and, god FUCK HIM!
Without really thinking my reaction through I've flipped on the lights, thrown my stuff on my bed and am glaring daggers at the both of them who have finally decided to notice my presence and I can't even tell who looks angrier, Logan for being interrupted or Madison for getting caught.
"Get out." I say and my voice sounds a little dangerous to my own ears and I'm not sure if I'm talking to both of them or just Logan or hell just Madison. I can't tell what I'm feeling.
"Get the fuck out."
Most of the day I felt that fear, like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop but everything seemed normal. I went to class, I got an A on my latin midterm, my history paper was used as an example in class, my dancing instructor was raving about me to this scout of one of LA's prestigous companies. I got a call from Buffy, she was going to be in town in a couple of weeks to see me. Which of course meant she was going to see Angel. Whatever she could use me as an excuse if she wanted. I had lunch with Logan and then there was this study session in the library with Will and a few others from Latin class.
The day didn't feel like it was going to be that bad anymore but I couldn't wipe the feeling of dread in my stomach. I ended up having to cancel my plans that night with Logan, we were going to watch a movie or something, we didn't have our last rehearsal for a couple of days so we got to relax. I had to help Leslie figure out what this demon was, which led us to the Hyperion where I had to hear lectures from Angel for like two hours. He kept warning me about keeping my gaurd up and probably all kinds of things Buffy had already told me a million times before.
Hello, I'm nearly 19, get off my ass!
Anyways, so I was late getting home. Not keg party late like Madison usually was but late enough to be a little quieter than usual. As soon as my key turned in the lock and the door was a fraction of a inch open I could hear the moaning and I nearly turned around and left. I could stay at Leslie's or call Logan ...
That's when my stomach felt like it dropped out. The door was open and the light was off but I just knew. I knew what was happening before my eyes totally adjusted to the sight.
Logan and Madison, having sex, in my room. I felt sick. I felt hurt and betrayed and forget that Logan and I are just friends it felt like a knife twisting in my gut because we aren't just friends. I love him and he's in here fucking Madison of all people. It wasn't like I didn't date, but dating people was easy, they had no power. Logan did as he's demonstrating right now while I feel like my heart is breaking.
Goddamnit.
This was it! This was why I didn't want to get involved with him. He's scary and complicated and does shit like this! He hates her, he fucking hates her but he can fuck her? I don't get it, I don't want to get it and I don't want to feel this way. I never did and I shouldn't have ... friends, we're friends. And he's my best friend and, god FUCK HIM!
Without really thinking my reaction through I've flipped on the lights, thrown my stuff on my bed and am glaring daggers at the both of them who have finally decided to notice my presence and I can't even tell who looks angrier, Logan for being interrupted or Madison for getting caught.
"Get out." I say and my voice sounds a little dangerous to my own ears and I'm not sure if I'm talking to both of them or just Logan or hell just Madison. I can't tell what I'm feeling.
"Get the fuck out."