this is my heart bleeding before you [this is me down on my knees]

[roundthedawn]

There are days when you don't want to get out of bed. You just want to stay there curled up and warm because there's this feeling inside that tells you that if you get out of bed you'll regret it. Of course when you have my roommate there's that other instant reaction of get out as fast as you can. So of course I got out of bed this morning

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[goshmomgeedad]

I let out this huge sob like sound I swore I didn't know I possessed until it slipped from my lips and my chest aches and I shut my eyes like that's going to fucking hold tears back. And I hate that she's standing here looking at me like she actually thought better of me before this whole thing - like she didn't expect all of this to just come undone.

"Oh give it up," I half-scoff towards her, wiping harshly at my face - angry at myself for the complete and utter lack of control coming undone. I barely let her finish her sentence, my words overlapping with hers while she calls me a fucking asshole. "You keep me at a distance!" I tell her, my voice raising. "You are so fucking afraid of me all the damn time, Dawn, so don't even tell me that you let me in. You hide yourself more than I do."

And I did this because I had fallen so hard so fast - I couldn't think about anyone else anymore. I couldn't feel anything but this and it killed inside because love was like some excuse just to get hurt. And maybe it would work, but I didn't learn a lesson once.

"You wouldn't have gotten involved with me if you didn't want this too. Remember, you knew exactly who I was from day one," I practically spat towards her.

There are still tears running down my cheeks and I'm not sure what I hate the most in this moment - No, I do know. I just hate me the most in this moment because whatever it is it's my fault. Whatever we would come to be.

I wring my shirt so tightly in my hands my knuckles are turning white and move quickly to leave, leaving her behind.

[roundthedawn]

He's screaming at me practically and he's not wrong but he's not right either. He's seen more of me than anyone else. He's been there when I come knocking on his door at two am with scrapes because I was out with Leslie and it got intense and he never asks why. He listens to me bitch about Buffy and he even holds me when I'm close to tears even though I've never cried in front of him before.

So screw him for thinking I hide myself. I hide the things that people hate about me. I hide what I am because people never look at me the same anymore. I hide this thing inside me that sometimes I'm sure I can feel. I hide because I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I'm sure I don't have a soul. Because monks can make a human body but can they really just will that body a soul? I hide because I don't know if I'm fucking evil and something meant to destroy. SCREW HIM! He doesn't know what it's like to not be real and I can't tell him, I can't fucking tell him because when I do he'll really see me and he'll leave because everyone leaves or dies and I can't. No.

Want this? This? Us screaming at each other? Want this hurt that feels like it's ripping me apart because how can I give him what he wants? How? The second he knows everything he'll be gone!

He turns to leave and I just shake my head and quickly move around him to block the door.

"No! You do not get to fucking do this to me and then just bail! You can't! Please. Logan, Please don't leave. I'm sorry that I can't ... that I ... No body else matters. Don't you get that, no body matters and nobody can hurt me but you! That's how I can date Aaron or Jonathan or Brandon or whoever the fuck because they don't have a chance, they can't hurt me. You can and you'll just leave okay. They all leave."

I have no idea how I got to be the one apologizing in this situation because hell if he didn't deserve every bit of anger I felt right now but I wasn't innocent in getting us here. I wasn't and I wasn't going to pretend to be.

[goshmomgeedad]

I feel like I'm being torn down the middle between the two of us screaming at each other and everything else it's hard to breathe. And she's crying and I know that's because I made her cry and I hurt her and like always I can't fucking deal with the aftermath of it. I'm the catharsis leading to the break down and I hate myself for being involved with her in the first place, for bothering to go to school when all I wanted to do was waste away, and for putting her through me. I was the last thing she would ever deserve.

And maybe it was just some stupid blind hope and the last of it left because I can't remember how I got here. I don't remember the steps that took me exactly here.

And she's blocking the door and all I want to do is separate myself from her and think, because I can't think about anything but her when she's near me and I'm so sick of being so close and not close enough. And I just know she's been waiting for some reason to prove to herself that she shouldn't have gotten close to me in the first place - because this is not the most intimate we could ever have been.

"How can you even look at me?" I finally just exclaim at her, I have to look away from her because I can't see her expression. I can't watch this.

"What do you want from me, Dawn?" I ask, exasperated, my throat hoarse for a moment as I hold her arms in my hands. "What can I do to make things better? What do I need to do. Just tell me what to do and whatever it is I'll fucking do it. Okay?"

[roundthedawn]

I don't know how long he just stared at me blocking his escape, he looked like a caged animal looking for an escape. And I hated that he wanted to escape so badly, he wanted to get away from my pain and wasn't that exactly what I'd been worried about all along?

But no matter how torn apart I was at his pain. He could not just expect a free pass from his guilt. He couldn't just get out of dealing with this. I wasn't going to let him. I should have known better but I didn't, I should have expected this but I didn't. So no, this isn't a get out 'lack-of-relationship' free card.

How can I look at him? God, is he really that stupid? I guess I shouldn't ask that because he just slept with Madison fucking Sinclair.

"How can I look at you?!? How ... GODDAMNIT LOGAN! Don't you understand?!? Don't you get it? I fucking love you and that doesn't just go away because you are a stupid jackass!"

I nearly wanted to hit him again but decided against it. My hand still hurt and I didn't even want to think about the things his father did to him, they hurt him enough once I don't want to remind him of that. Even if it was a really fucking low blow he dealt.

I wiped the tears away again because I felt them starting to fall.

"I just need, God, Logan. You are my best friend do you know that?" I just looked at him, still blocking his escape route, "You are, I hide, I do, I'm sorry but there are just things about me that ... Everyone leaves okay and if I never give someone the power to make it hurt when they take off it's better. So I couldn't give you what you wanted but you still got inside okay, you got in and you are more than just my best friend alright? You are! You have to know that!"

I took a deep breath and tried to figure out what to say, what to do. It hurt so bad to look at him, his hair was still messed up, he was flushed, he had tear tracks down his face and I couldn't decide it that made me feel better or worse. No, it definately made me feel worse.

"Don't leave." I wasn't begging, I was asking. I didn't know how to make this better and I wasn't even sure I meant right now. Maybe it would be best if right this second he left this room, where you could still smell sex, but don't leave me Logan. Don't walk away. That's what he could do. Don't try to use this as a goodbye.

[goshmomgeedad]

Fuck me so badly for just wanting to take off at this moment and leave her behind. I had had the love and loss. In fact, it was starting to be this vicious cycle or something. Girls I loved tended to cheat on me or abandon me or, hell, both. I had this habit of picking emotionally unavailable women. So, maybe it was me instead of them or maybe it was the mix but I had been the one fucking up again.

Or like always. I can fucking tell anymore.

I just asked her what she wanted and she told me. She said "Don't leave" and all I could think about was leaving. Because maybe it's best for the two of us if I do - plus this whole 'leaving the scene of the crime' thing I've got going on. It was getting under my skin.

I wanted to look shocked when she yelled at me, talking about how she loved me or how I was her best friend and that these things don't go away just because I fuck up. Even worse, I've played into both of our little self fulfilling prophecies.

My cheek is still just throbbing because, hey, Dawn actually knows how to slap a person and make it hurt (which really with how she kicks shins isn't so much of a surprise), and the tears that are drying on my cheeks just make it hurt all the worse. I move back from the door and wipe under my nose on the back of my hand.

I actually see her crying this time and it hurts far worse than any blow she could deliver.

I restrain from crying myself, looking up at her and sitting on Madison's bed because like hell she'd want me on hers right now.

"I'm the one that doesn't leave," I tell her, my voice hoarse before I push through to clarity. I blink back something in my eye and look down at least for a moment, crumpling my shirt in one hand. "I'm that person. I'm... just like you. Except I do this shit." I want to laugh at myself at this, throw my hands up in some sort of genetic defeat - some personality defect.

"And you're -...you're the only person..." I shake my head at myself. "You're the only person I have. I literally don't have anyone, do you get that? My first girlfriend was murdered and my absent parents are dead. My best friend left and isn't ever going to come back. ... And my last girlfriend is getting on with her life. She tired of this shit. So, yeah, you're the only person that's left."

"Yeah, everyone leaves, Dawn," I told her quietly.

[roundthedawn]

He sat down on Madison's bed and my brain flashed to what I'd seen when I'd walked into the room. It made my stomach turn over but it wasn't going to change anything. Like I said, just because he did this didn't mean how I felt went away. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't love him, I wouldn't feel like I was bleeding to death inside if I didn't just want to take him in my arms and absolve him of his sins.

I wanted to tell him it was okay but I couldn't because it wasn't and it never would be.

At least he wasn't trying to leave anymore, that was progress, even though the room was starting to feel opressive.

I closed my eyes when he said he was the one who didn't leave. I wanted to believe that, I really desperately wanted to believe it but it was hard when everyone in my life had shown me otherwise. I couldn't even explain it to him, I couldn't because if I did then he'd know and all this bravado would be gone. I wanted to trust that he was different but that was just so fucking hard.

I listened to him and it hurt because he was in the same boat I was (sure he had never had a hellgoddess try to bleed him dry as far as I knew) but it was the same and he'd been willing to try anyway and I'd just ... Hidden.

I took the few steps that ended with me standing in front of him. I dropped down on my knees and took his hands. I couldn't say I was never going to leave, I refused to make the same promise that had been broken on me so many times. I couldn't stand to do that to someone I loved.

"Look at me Logan," I looked up at him waiting for him to meet my eyes I actually had to reach forward and lift his chin, "I love you and that ... is the only thing I'm sure of in my life right now."

I pulled his head down to mine and kissed him softly, ignoring the taste of Madison on his lips.

[goshmomgeedad]

There had only been one person in my life for the last few months - and maybe that's a little pathetic because we started out hating each other. I mean, every so often Dick would come over in his depression and we'd drink - but that was Dick and it was just weird after all that shit with Cassidy went down.

There'd just been only one person there. And she came over on the anniversary of my mom's death and she watched videos on TV with me over the phone and she stood up for me even when I didn't deserve it. Especially when I didn't. But she didn't just take it either.

When she tells me to look at her and I refuse silently by continuing to look down even though she makes me drop my shirt by taking my hands in hers. She reaches and lifts my chin so I do anyway. She makes me face her as she tells me that she reiterates that she loves me - "I love you and that ... is the only thing I'm sure of in my life right now." - and I'm not sure if I should cry or smile. I feel like both.

But I don't have to do either because she pulls my head down to hers and kisses me like I've wanted her to do for so long. It hurts and burns and I think it should.

So, I kiss her back. My free hand lifts to curl in a tangle of her hair as I return the kiss. My lips brush against hers softly, my tongue lightly tracing her lower lip for more.

"I am so sorry," I whispered softly against her mouth before repeating the same action, my other hand lifting to lightly caress her cheek with my thumb.

[roundthedawn]

A lot of people wouldn't understand why I'm doing this. Why I'm still standing here, why I kissed him, asked him not to leave and told him that I loved him. After what he did, I think most people would throw him out on his ass and try to forget they ever knew him. But the thing is, I've gotten to know Logan pretty well since we met.

I've seen him lash out and push people away and I also know myself.

If you fuck it up first it won't hurt as bad as if they leave you all on their own. It was a defense mechanism and that really didn't make it okay or anything or the sort but I knew why. At least I thought that I did.

He kissed me back and I was releaved, it was aquesence, acceptance. He wasn't going to go away.

"I am so sorry," I shook my head slightly as he kissed me again. It was one of those things. When you realize that fear's been holding you back and you wonder how the fuck you could have not had this before now. Why you let insecurity and doubt cloud everything else.

"I am too, I was just scared," I sighed and pressed my forehead against his.

"But I swear to god if you ever do something like this to me again I will castrate you with a spoon," I was really serious.

It was one thing to fuck up before these declarations but after them? That was something I didn't think I could forgive. We weren't together before and I'm not sure we ever are now but it's obviously heading that way.

My knees started to ache so I pulled away and dropped his hand.

"Can we go to your apartment? I really don't want to be in here right now."