The Current State Of Things
Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.
It’s starting to look like I’m going to be moving back to Lakeview soon. Jim’s kicking me out because Home Depot fired me, so I’m going to have to find a place to live, but since I have no money, I can’t go anywhere else. I’m going to try for SSI, but I doubt I’ll ever get that. I can’t back to Wright State ever, from the looks of it. I’m miserable, suicidal, empty, and have only two people left in this world that are willingly my friends. I have nothing at this this point, no hope, nothing to look forward to, no will to live. The hospital can’t help me because they don’t even try. The therapy place can’t help me because they don’t help people with their debt problems. The help I need can’t be gotten from some free clinic like them. I’m so far into debt that I’ll never see the light of day again without winning the lottery. The only reason I’m not dead right now is because I refuse to kill myself. I just know I’d fail, mess up, not die, and be stuck in the hospital where nobody cares and they all refuse to help me. I have never felt worse in my life, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have no options other than move in with my parents and feel even more miserable, or to get a job and lose that fear of going into the hospital. And no, I’m not pulling this shit to get attention, or because I’m some whiny fucking infant or something, I’m just being completely honest with myself. If I get a minimum wage job, I get fired. It’s just a fact of life at this point. It’s happened at every other place (unless I quit because I knew I was about to get fired, or because I went into the hospital). What makes anybody think this McDonalds or this Dollar General will be any different? I really just wish I could die right now. I wish I could stop my own heart, or that someone would come in here and kill me. I see nothing good in my life, because there is nothing good in my life. I am an empty shell where a human used to be. I am suicidal, but can’t get help. Nothing helps, nothing works, no one cares, no one close enough to do anything at least. I am completely alone, and completely miserable. I want death. I pray for it. I go to sleep, and pray that I don’t wake up.