Fooooood poisoning.
The last 12 hours have been a horrid bout of the worst Food Poisoning I've had in a very long time.
It started around 3am. Almost exactly 8 hours after I'd eaten a WONDERFUL gourmet hamburger and chicken chili at one of my favorite restaurants. I was asleep, in bed, dreaming that I needed to release an EPIC fart (Odd dream in and of itself) and almost immediately woke up to a squishy, slippery sensation on my bed sheets. I'd shat the bed :-(
As I started to clean that up, I bent over and barely managed to keep myself from exploding all over my room. I hightailed it to the bathroom and dumped what had to have been an entire descending-colon full of ass pee into the toilet. In the bowl had little flecks of undigested beans from the chilli I'd eaten, as well as strands of lettuce and other veggies that were on my burger and undigested chunks of french fries.
I cleaned myself up and stumbled back up stairs to finish changing the sheets on my bed, when another wave hit me and I squirted more into the underpants I'd put on as a precaution. I hightailed it back and dumped ANOTHER colon-load of ass pee into the toilet.
This went on until about 4:30. Trip after trip to the bathroom. I was sure my room mates were gonna stick their heads out of their rooms and yell at me for it.
Then around 5:00, as I was laying in bed trying to get a little more sleep I started salivating. A LOT. And for me, that means one thing - I'm going to vomit, and soon. I don't vomit often, but when I do, it's epic. I ripped off my CPAP mask and I hightailed it BACK to the bathroom, but it started coming up halfway down the steps. I caught a small bit in my hand and as I fell to my knees and skidded into the toilet, my upper digestive tract cramped up and expelled the contents of my stomach. Mostly into the toilet, but also all over the back of the seat, the seat hinges and *ug* the wall next to the toilet. Interestingly, it looked exactly the same as the ass pee from earlier, except there was less liquid. I retched 2 or 3 times, each time bringing up a massive amount of my $40 dinner. After it was all over, I sat down, and realized I'd squirted ass pee into my undies again. So I turned around and plopped my ample ass onto the toilet, only to let another full colon worth into it.
It took a half hour to clean up around the toilet, and after one more attempt to force some more out my rear, which did manage a squirt or two, I stumbled back up stairs and laid down again, only to have my 6am alarm go off right by my head and startle me enough that I squirted AGAIN and messed up ANOTHER pair of undies.
I re-set the alarm for 7 and stumbled back to the toilet, let out another epic load of ass pee and this time, since I was dying of thirst, made the mistake of drinking 6 or 8 oz of water in one go, not thinking what that would do to my already twitchy tummy.
The predictable result happened and I spent another half hour on my knees in front of the toilet retching.
So now, it's 6:30am. I'm supposed to be at work at 7, and there's something that has to be done this morning that only I can do, because of security and access restrictions. It's a 15 minute drive, so I say screw it and get into the shower to at least try and make myself not look like I'd just spent the ENTIRE NIGHT shitting myself and vomiting. Halfway through my shower, I was overcome by another wave of nausea, and just collapsed to my hands and knees, barfing my entire digestive tract out into the shower now, while at the same time completely loosing control of the other end and spraying the wall behind me with what is now nothing but yellow ass mucus. (I have since decided that barfing and shitting at the same time while very hot water cascades over your back is an ethereal thing to suffer, and something that everyone should experience at least once in their life)
At this point, the bathroom smells sickly sweet of vomit, but with a distinct hint of shit floating in it. I finished my shower and opened the window to air things out.
I managed to get myself (+1 room mate) to work, and took care of the one thing that had to be done, then, just as I was about to call my boss and told him that I was leaving for the rest of the day, ANOTHER wave of nausea and stomach cramps washed over me. Lucky for me, the toilet in my section is two doors down from my office and NOT in a separate key-card/security restricted area, to which I bolted and promptly upchucked another meal's worth of vomit. Twice. (It was at this point that the maintenance man was knocking on the door asking if everything was OK - nothing like a coworker knocking on the door to jolt you out of a post-emesis stupor) At this point the nausea is going away, being replaced with horrid cramps in my stomach and sides from all the activity, along with some pretty severe dehydration.
I wandered back to my office and grabbed one of my emergency bottles of water, then stumbled to the elevator to get me out of my underground prison of an office. It took 3 attempts with my key-card to activate the elevator because of how out of it I was.
I flopped into the driver seat of my truck, and then twisted to get one of my cell phones off my hip to call my boss - and when I did, I squirted AGAIN. My ass just WOULD NOT stop.
Called off, and came home, ass peed again, then changed my underpants and flopped back into bed, waking up every 15 minutes or so with dry mouth, sipping on the bottle of water, and in general laying in a semi-coma, only getting up to launch another volley of ass pee into the toilet every so often.
About 1:30pm or 2, I rolled out of bed and decided I needed more then water, so ventured out to the C-Store (Along with a stop at the Post Office to deal with something), getting comments from every clerk about how awful I looked. I bought myself a couple of bottles of Vitamin Water Revive, which I have been watering down about 4 parts water to 1 part drink, and sipping on that since.
Still ass peeing, but now down to a little squirt every half hour or so. Stomach is still cramping, as are random muscles all over my body from the dehydration, but I really REALLY don't want to go back to work and ask them to sick an IV in me. Maybe I'll call a friend over to do it here.
... Fuck, just sharted again. There goes another pair of undies.
TL;DR;TG: 7 sharts (including one IN MY BED), 10+ trips to empty my colon of ass pee, and vomiting 8 times in the last 12 hours has left me dehydrated, sore and cramping.
So... that's been MY epic day so far! How's yours going??
It started around 3am. Almost exactly 8 hours after I'd eaten a WONDERFUL gourmet hamburger and chicken chili at one of my favorite restaurants. I was asleep, in bed, dreaming that I needed to release an EPIC fart (Odd dream in and of itself) and almost immediately woke up to a squishy, slippery sensation on my bed sheets. I'd shat the bed :-(
As I started to clean that up, I bent over and barely managed to keep myself from exploding all over my room. I hightailed it to the bathroom and dumped what had to have been an entire descending-colon full of ass pee into the toilet. In the bowl had little flecks of undigested beans from the chilli I'd eaten, as well as strands of lettuce and other veggies that were on my burger and undigested chunks of french fries.
I cleaned myself up and stumbled back up stairs to finish changing the sheets on my bed, when another wave hit me and I squirted more into the underpants I'd put on as a precaution. I hightailed it back and dumped ANOTHER colon-load of ass pee into the toilet.
This went on until about 4:30. Trip after trip to the bathroom. I was sure my room mates were gonna stick their heads out of their rooms and yell at me for it.
Then around 5:00, as I was laying in bed trying to get a little more sleep I started salivating. A LOT. And for me, that means one thing - I'm going to vomit, and soon. I don't vomit often, but when I do, it's epic. I ripped off my CPAP mask and I hightailed it BACK to the bathroom, but it started coming up halfway down the steps. I caught a small bit in my hand and as I fell to my knees and skidded into the toilet, my upper digestive tract cramped up and expelled the contents of my stomach. Mostly into the toilet, but also all over the back of the seat, the seat hinges and *ug* the wall next to the toilet. Interestingly, it looked exactly the same as the ass pee from earlier, except there was less liquid. I retched 2 or 3 times, each time bringing up a massive amount of my $40 dinner. After it was all over, I sat down, and realized I'd squirted ass pee into my undies again. So I turned around and plopped my ample ass onto the toilet, only to let another full colon worth into it.
It took a half hour to clean up around the toilet, and after one more attempt to force some more out my rear, which did manage a squirt or two, I stumbled back up stairs and laid down again, only to have my 6am alarm go off right by my head and startle me enough that I squirted AGAIN and messed up ANOTHER pair of undies.
I re-set the alarm for 7 and stumbled back to the toilet, let out another epic load of ass pee and this time, since I was dying of thirst, made the mistake of drinking 6 or 8 oz of water in one go, not thinking what that would do to my already twitchy tummy.
The predictable result happened and I spent another half hour on my knees in front of the toilet retching.
So now, it's 6:30am. I'm supposed to be at work at 7, and there's something that has to be done this morning that only I can do, because of security and access restrictions. It's a 15 minute drive, so I say screw it and get into the shower to at least try and make myself not look like I'd just spent the ENTIRE NIGHT shitting myself and vomiting. Halfway through my shower, I was overcome by another wave of nausea, and just collapsed to my hands and knees, barfing my entire digestive tract out into the shower now, while at the same time completely loosing control of the other end and spraying the wall behind me with what is now nothing but yellow ass mucus. (I have since decided that barfing and shitting at the same time while very hot water cascades over your back is an ethereal thing to suffer, and something that everyone should experience at least once in their life)
At this point, the bathroom smells sickly sweet of vomit, but with a distinct hint of shit floating in it. I finished my shower and opened the window to air things out.
I managed to get myself (+1 room mate) to work, and took care of the one thing that had to be done, then, just as I was about to call my boss and told him that I was leaving for the rest of the day, ANOTHER wave of nausea and stomach cramps washed over me. Lucky for me, the toilet in my section is two doors down from my office and NOT in a separate key-card/security restricted area, to which I bolted and promptly upchucked another meal's worth of vomit. Twice. (It was at this point that the maintenance man was knocking on the door asking if everything was OK - nothing like a coworker knocking on the door to jolt you out of a post-emesis stupor) At this point the nausea is going away, being replaced with horrid cramps in my stomach and sides from all the activity, along with some pretty severe dehydration.
I wandered back to my office and grabbed one of my emergency bottles of water, then stumbled to the elevator to get me out of my underground prison of an office. It took 3 attempts with my key-card to activate the elevator because of how out of it I was.
I flopped into the driver seat of my truck, and then twisted to get one of my cell phones off my hip to call my boss - and when I did, I squirted AGAIN. My ass just WOULD NOT stop.
Called off, and came home, ass peed again, then changed my underpants and flopped back into bed, waking up every 15 minutes or so with dry mouth, sipping on the bottle of water, and in general laying in a semi-coma, only getting up to launch another volley of ass pee into the toilet every so often.
About 1:30pm or 2, I rolled out of bed and decided I needed more then water, so ventured out to the C-Store (Along with a stop at the Post Office to deal with something), getting comments from every clerk about how awful I looked. I bought myself a couple of bottles of Vitamin Water Revive, which I have been watering down about 4 parts water to 1 part drink, and sipping on that since.
Still ass peeing, but now down to a little squirt every half hour or so. Stomach is still cramping, as are random muscles all over my body from the dehydration, but I really REALLY don't want to go back to work and ask them to sick an IV in me. Maybe I'll call a friend over to do it here.
... Fuck, just sharted again. There goes another pair of undies.
TL;DR;TG: 7 sharts (including one IN MY BED), 10+ trips to empty my colon of ass pee, and vomiting 8 times in the last 12 hours has left me dehydrated, sore and cramping.
So... that's been MY epic day so far! How's yours going??