the bisco theory; chapter 4
the bisco theory; chapter 4
jaejoong ♥ yunho | bff!jaechunsu | bff!homin
AU | comedy | fluff | romance | chaptered
+3, 500 words
Summary: The story is about Kim Jaejoong, who meets Jeong Yunho on the first day of university. It’s love at first Hi, complete with electric-charged handshake and chest groping. Always the firm believer of Love Will Come To Those Who Slave For It, or what he dubbed as The Bisco Theory, he goes on a quest to make Yunho his, in spite of the fact that Yunho is definitely, and without a doubt, straight.
a/n: omfg i really hate this chapter what to do what to do ;_____________; the emoness makes my brain bleed. huhu. don't hate me (or yunho) too much yeah? it's all these assignments, i swear! they took over my brain and now i'm all academic this and education that and i can't even write a crack chapter worth shit. i cry. can you feel my heartbeat, beat, beat~
i'm going to sleep. brb replying to comments when i finish hammering my self-esteem into nonexistence. /hides in my ball
one last note: HOMOPHOBIA SUCKS DONKEY'S BALLS. DON'T HAVE ONE, LOVELIES. or i'll puke on your heads D[
[ tl;dr author's note][ prologue][ one][ two][ three]
--
Chapter 4 - Yunho;
“Jaejoong you fucking whore how dare you puke on me I will kill you argghhhhhh!!!”
The war cry that travels through the noisy crowd reaches my ears and the narcissist in me tells me that it has something to do with me, and so I reflexively turn to the source of that cry to see who the crier is. Shit. It’s my housemate’s booze-smelling friend who I met on orientation day whose name I can’t recall at this very moment. And Jaejoong the said housemate, who looks like he either had fainted or is sniffing the couch zealously, his face plastered to the red leather and hidden by his blonde hair.
The latter is probable when you consider that it is Jaejoong and he is rather weird at times. Or all times. But I’m digressing.
I then reflexively look away from the scene, my survival genes urging to pretend that I haven’t heard anything because they do not want to take part in whatever drama Jaejoong and his cronies are acting on. Another guy comes to restrain boozy friend, yelling ‘stop! stop! Think about your future, Yoochun-ah!’ at the inhumane pitch of a sea mammal. I cringe as a reflex as a nasty shudder runs up my spine.
“Yunho, isn’t that Jaejoong?” Changmin prods my side and whisper into my left ear. I look at Lee Sookjin, BJ, Kang Woosun and Choi Jungmin who came along with us and instinct tells me it’s not a good thing to let them know about Jaejoong. So I pretend not to hear him and proceed to laugh at BJ’s joke, which I totally don’t even hear.
BJ and Sookjin are the worst homophobic guys I have ever met, and so letting them meet with a person who is as homosexual as Jaejoong is probably the biggest mistake I could make in my life. BJ thinks homosexuals are brainless creatures, and Sookjin vows to kill the gay people if he ever meets one because he thinks they are the reason for third world countries' poverty and hunger. It doesn’t make an ounce of sense but that’s Sookjin. He is a ruthless bastard and proud of it. Hell, I don’t think he even needs a reason to hate or kill.
The other two guys? They just follow the crowd. Spineless spoofballs. Just like me. Huhu.
“Yunho…” Changmin urges, brows wiggling as he gestures at the scene unfolding at the other end of the bar with his crazy look-at-that eyes. I shake my head at him, careful not to let my friends see me doing it. Changmin huffs like I just kick his puppy. Oh the nerve of this boy. He’s just the same as me!
“Yah Yunho, what are you doing standing there? Sit down, dude, you’re blocking my view of the fight!” BJ growls, pulling on my hand. I gape at him, and then gape at Changmin, who gapes at me.
They saw it. Oh my God. They saw it. Oh my God. They saw it. Oh my God. They-
Woosun chuckles and looks at me.
“Yunho, isn’t that your housemate? The one who’s being kicked at by that crazy looking guy?”
“Wha- ah- nu- uh.“ Yes, yes, I’m so intelligent. Kill me now. I look at Sookjin. Sookjin is drinking his beer, eyes narrowing to the scene involving Jaejoong and co. He smirks. I feel Changmin grabbing my shirt from behind.
I gulp and feel my heart beating like mad.
“Isn’t that Kim Jaejoong?” Sookjin says, voice wary and I feel like my heart just commits suicide. He knows Kim Jaejoong? How did he know Kim Jaejoong? Why did he know Kim Jaejoong? When did he know Kim Jaejoong? Where did he know Kim Jaejoong? What did he know about Kim Jaejoong? Who did he know as Kim Jaejoong????
My brain is exhausted from all the wh- questions it just spouted. Fuh. Tired. Brain needs rest.
“You know Kim Jaejoong?” Changmin asks on my behalf. Damn it I refuse to be grateful.
Sookjin lifts a brow up and shrugs. “I dated one of his sisters in high school.”
“What?” I yell loudly in three different voices. Wait, three voices? I look aside and see both Woosun and Jungmin looking slightly sheepish. Pshh.
“No big deal. Me and the girl dated for about a week or so during summer holiday. I forgot all about it when I got back to school, that’s why I didn’t tell you guys about it.” Sookjin continues on, looking away from us, biting his lower lips in an obvious show of hatred. “But I hate that guy so fucking much.”
“Why?” Woosun asks, as curious as all of us are.
Sookjin shrugs and replies. “He says I’m not good enough for his sister.” And then he glares across the room at the currently comatose Jaejoong. “Guy’s fucking gay, what did he know?”
I gulp. Twice.
BJ laughs maniacally. “You dated a poof’s sister? Hahaha you’ve got such rotten luck, Sookie-boy!” He thumps Sookjin’s head. BJ’s the only one among us who dares to physically harm Sookjin. Good thing he’s as big as the freaking Polar bear.
“Fuck off.” Sookjin flips him off.
BJ laughs maniacally again, his eyes glinting in this super crazy evil manner. “Let’s bash him! Let’s show him what real men are made of!”
Sookjin grins, obviously taken with the idea. Woosun and Jungmin laugh, but I don’t know whether to take them seriously or not because they always laugh to what Sookjin and BJ are saying. I glance at Changmin and he is just quiet. Funny guy. Isn’t he the one who couldn’t stop making fun of my twinkling housemate before?
The guys continue laughing and plotting and my heart whimpers in its unwillingness to admit that it feels bad. I do not feel bad. No I don’t. But why is my heart wriggling in this painful, don’t-let-them-do-this kind of way?
I look at Changmin again, because I feel like he’s looking at me. Which is true because he is looking at me. With those sad-looking eyes of his that I can’t give name to that tell me I need to do something about the bashing plan. Fuck it. Not my business. I look away and feign ignorance.
Ignore Changmin’s social worker-ish eyes. Ignore. Pretend not to see. Ignoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
The guys are talking about bats and kicks and oh, punches. Specifically BJ’s ultimate rib-breaking punches.
Uh-oh Jaejoong. I’m sorry, dear housemate, but you will have to die now.
I look at my friends, but think of Jaejoong. My friends laugh, not knowing I’m thinking of Jaejoong and imagining his mangled body being crushed under my friends’ hands and feet.
I can’t do this shit. My heart practically bleeds tears into my soul and I crumble in the wake of my conscience.
Ouuuuhh I’m such a deep, deep person.
I stand up and sigh, loudly.
“Guys.” I say. Silence falls like shit on bricks. I hope if they are going to kill me, they are going to kill me quick. With not much pain. Oh my bowel.
The group looks up at me. The silence is suffocating. Fuck I’m going to die from the silence because I wheeze- can’t wheeze- breathe wheeze-
“I need to go to the toilet.” I say. I see Changmin rolling his eyes and I feel like socking my fingers into his eye sockets. Die you die!
BJ snorts dismissively at me. “Then just go! Do you need us to hold it for you or something?” The guys snicker and I feel my stomach gets knotted into ribbons. Fuck this.
Changmin waves a hand randomly, catching everyone’s interest. I look at him and he gives me this look that my stupid, undermined brain couldn’t comprehend.
“Why don’t we go hit Rock on Ice after this? I heard Epik High is going to be there. What say you? Jungmin? Sookjin? BJ? Woosun?” He wiggles his eyebrows and smirks like a cool guy and whatnot.
I stone there, standing like a pole. Uh. Epik High. Uh. Wow. I want in.
Changmin glares at me just as I’m about to say ‘I’m in!’ like the rest of the group. I glare back at him. He lifts a hand up to brush his nose and ninja-ly points at the other side of the bar.
My eyes widen. Shit I’m so slow!
I walk backward to the toilet, careful not to let my non-presence alerts the group as much. Just as I’m sure they can’t see me, I walk around the counter to get to the other side of the bar. The crowd is thickening and so I snoop down like a dog (does that make me Snoop Dog? Snoopy the Dog. LOLOLOL what am I doing) and almost crawl to get to where Jaejoong is.
When I get there, Jaejoong’s boozy friend and his unknown friend look at me like I just grow from the ground. Heh. I’m dazzling them with my ninja skills it seems.
“Hey.” I wave at them. The boozy friend (Yoojun? Yoochun?) glowers at me like he’s going to bite my head off, his shirt wet and soaking and smelling like puke. Yuckkk. The other friend just smiles at me like he’s guilty. Maybe he is. I glare at him. He stops smiling.
“Umm, Yunho-sshi right?” The unknown one speaks, voice slightly quivering as he tries to block the puke-covered friend from pummeling comatose Jaejoong into the realm of death.
I nod. He looks so pathetic, this unknown person. “Yeap, I’m Jeong Yunho. You’re Jaejoong’s friends?” I gesture to the both of them. The puke guy snarls at me. Woah easy there, buddy. I’m just asking.
“Ex-friend! Fuck I’m going to mince the bastard and drink him up like slurpies! Go away, Junsu, let me dig my claws onto that shitface’s body! Arghhhhh!” the puke guy growls menacingly, hands flailing to reach Jaejoong’s body. I block him off instinctively, all the while trying not to attract the attention of my group that is sitting on the other end of the bar. You might think it’s easy doing this, but the bar isn’t that big and puke man has a very loud, stinking mouth. I feel like killing him just to shut him up.
Junsu (the unknown one who is now named) tells me hurriedly in the midst of us blocking Yoochun (puke guy is also named) away to take Jaejoong home. I agree, because staying another second in the bar with my homophobic group of friends and a loud, homicidal puke-covered person is not a very good option at the moment.
Junsu shows me the way to the back of the bar. Thank God, it’s out of the group’s view.
I lug Jaejoong’s unconscious body up my back and dunk low, shielding my face with his muscular arm. He is out-cold, this fucking load of timber. And oh my fucking God he’s heavy.
I wheeze. Heeeeeee.
Someone opens the back door and I thank that someone mindlessly, all the while trying not to eat the earth because of the weight on my back.
Jaejoong shifts slightly, and I stop walking.
“Macarena… is the best song ever. ‘is fact.” He mumbles into my ear, and then goes out again.
I am so very tempted to just dump him on the sidewalk and leave him to play with the stray cats.
I didn’t dump him on the sidewalk so he could play with the stray cats because contrary to what some people believe, I have a conscience and I’m whipped by her when it comes to things like this. I seriously hate my conscience sometimes. She tells me to do things my body don’t want to do and my brain is too chicken to fight against. She’s like the emperor to my thoughts or something, and I fucking hate her. And yes, my conscience is a female. My mind represents her as a woman with long, flowing straight hair and big boobs who has a constant slutty expression.
Or did I confuse my conscience with the hormonal part of my brain? Hmmm.
But ah, who cares. I don’t. My back hurts. Why the fuck does he has to be so heavy? He looks so skinny though. Oh the lies that it tells my eyes.
I feel Jaejoong moves against my hip. My reflex action is to check on him, and damn my reflex because I see him shiver in his sleep and my heart constricts in this painful, sympathetic way.
My heart is a freaking Mother Theresa and it sucks.
Let me clear something before that. We didn’t get back home. I was too tired to carry him all the way back to the hostel so I stopped here, at this park near the hostel but not quite, and wait beside Jaejoong as he dozes off in his drunken, post-vomit dream. I’m hungry, but I can’t leave him here to go search for food because who knows what might happen to him while I’m gone. Therefore I’m pissed off my shit, but at the same time torn between taking care of my housemate and taking care of myself.
My life sucks.
I feel him shiver again and I groan. I can’t do this.
Sighing in defeat, I take off my knitted sweater and cover him with it. Damn boy looks so fragile hugging his own body like that.
“Don’t rape me...” he says in lieu of a thank you. I chuckle bitterly, because it’s hella funny. I should be the one scared of him raping me in his drunken state of mind, but instead he told me not to rape him. Such lolworthy remark. I should hit his head for it.
I hit his head. He ouches feebly, and moves further under my sweater. It’s not big enough to cover his body so he tries to scrunch up into the smallest human ball possible, which still isn’t small enough. I sigh, again.
“Come on, Jaejoong, let’s go back. It’s getting late.” I say to him. He shakes his head, and I fight the urge to hit his head again.
“Don’t wanna…” he whines. His lips are bluish and his cheeks are red and he says ‘don’t wanna’? God have mercy on us for this gift of a petulant child! I smack his thigh not so softly. He keens.
“Don’t rape me…” he begs, and I frown. Two girls pass us by and shoot me a dirty look, obviously hearing what Jaejoong had said as they scamper away. I smack his shoulder hard this time. He whines, low and deep.
“This is not funny, Jaejoong! And stop telling me not to rape you, I don’t have the slightest intention of touching your body in any way!” I grumble at him and pull hard on his arm. He jerks up and blinks at me with his half-lidded eyes.
“You look like Jeong Yunho…”
“I am Jeong Yunho!” I yell in frustration. Good thing he knows me though. I don’t know what I’d do if he says I look like a cat. I don’t know, random thought. My sister told me once that I look like a cat.
“You’re Jeong Yunho?” he asks, coming nearer and invading my personal space. I freeze. One of his hand grips my sweater that’s covering his body and the other comes up to touch my cheek. I smell vomit when he opens his mouth. Bleghhhh.
“Hah liar! You’re not as gorgeous as him!” he grins, head tilting to one side and eyelashes fluttering against his reddened cheeks. He thinks I’m gorgeous? Aww thanks. But he looks utterly adorable too…
I shake his hand off my face and stand up. My face is warm. So weird, so weird, so very weird.
“Uh. Umm. Let’s go back.”
Jaejoong looks at me, expression lost. “Where?”
I groan. “Our apartment, where else!”
He grins. “We have an apartment?”
I frown at him. What is he getting at? “Um, yeah.”
“Do we have dogs?” he asks.
“No, we are not allowed to have pets.”
“Ouu, such a pity. I love dogs. Big, fluffy dogs. Auwwrr auwwrrr!”
I actually smile. He’s a kiddish drunk. “I love dogs too.”
“You do? That’s good, that’s good.” He nods, grinning happily. His cheeks are so pink. “Do you like kids?”
“Not really.” I imagine my younger cousins and their terrorizing ability. I shudder. “Actually, no.”
He pouts. “Awww. But I love kids.”
“Good for you.”
“Then what should we do?”
I frown. “What should we do about what?”
“The kids!” Jaejoong mutters and pouts. He looks so ridiculous with his hair all over the place and my pink sweater covering his body. “I want kids but you don’t like them!”
“Just get them then. Why should you care whether I like kids or not?” I reply.
“But how am I supposed to have kids without you…” Jaejoong looks up at me and I see his lips quiver. What-
Oh no. Oh my shit no.
He starts to hiccup.
“Jaejoong I…” I don’t know what to say! I don’t know what to say! Fuck my brain I don’t know what to say!
He starts to cry. No no no no no!
“No, Jaejoong, don’t cry!” he starts bawling. I panic. “Please!”
“You don’t -bawls wanna -hiccups have babies -snorts with meeeeeeeeeeee -bawls!”
I look around. More girls walk pass and scuttle away. I panic even more.
“Sssh, Jaejoong, ssshhhhh! No, no, don’t cry, please…” I plead, pulling him up. He yanks my hand off and glares at me with his tear-filled eyes. I feel guilty, even when I’m not. It’s not my fault he wants babies when I’m not ready to have them yet!
Stop. Backtrack a few minutes into our last conversation. Huh.
Babies?
“Jaejoong!” I slap his head. He doubles over in pain and bawls into his knees. “I’m not going to have babies with you! We’re both guys, we can’t have babies for fuck’s sake!”
I’m so angry, oh I’m so, so angry. How dare he roped me into feeling guilty over something so ridiculously impossible and not true!
“But Junsu wrote…” he looks up at me, eyes red and cheeks redder. “…he wrote men having babies in his stories! M-preg is possible! Why are you such a non-believer! I hate you, I hate youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”
“Men can’t have babies!” I’m outright yelling by now. Oh my God the amount of bullshit this guy is spouting is making me want to kick a puppy and commit random violence. “How are we supposed to carry the fetuses? In our asses?”
Jaejoong looks at me like I’m stupid. “Like duhhh! It’s called anal pregnancy! Google it you jerk!”
I gape at him. The stupidity stuns.
“I’m not gonna let you make love to me for a week! That’s your punishment for being such a dickwad!” He continues, kicking at me hormonally.
I still gape. My eye twitches and my nose flairs. Jaejoong sniffles.
Frogs croak and birds crow.
I laugh. A loud, loud laugh that can probably be heard all the way to Mars and back.
“Anal pregnancy! Puahahahaha! Anal…fufufu…pregnancy!” I laugh my asses off, nearly doubling over and kissing my shoes. I see Jaejoong pouts in my peripheral view but I couldn’t care less. Anal pregnancy! A.N.A.L.P.R.E.G.N.A.N.C.Y!
Fucking cheeses walking on the moon!
“Shut up.” Jaejoong mutters as I collect back the guts I’ve lost from all the laughing. Oh my God oh my God oh my God that was precious. I need to tell Changmin this.
I look back at Jaejoong and see him pouting. His eyes are still teary around the edges but he has stopped crying. Awww he looks embarrassed and so, so cute!
“Come on, let’s go back. You’ve entertained me enough for the night, buddy. Time to get you clean for bed.” I say happily, because somehow my mood has been lifted by his stupid, anal pregnancy thingamajig. Haha, so funny.
Jaejoong takes my proffered hand and we walk back in forced silence, him swaying slightly on his feet and me trying to not set another bout of laughter off.
Anal pregnancy. Pbbbt.
We get home safely, and I didn’t laugh on our way back. Jaejoong is somewhat sober now, because he can stand without falling on his face. But he still is uncharacteristically quiet, which tells me he’s not yet fully sober.
I’m sure he’ll feel like hell has moved permanently into his head in the morning though. Well, karma’s a bitch. No, I’m not happy with his bad predicament. I'm a kind person, it would be too much if I-
Oh who am I kidding. I am happy. Heh.
Jaejoong slumps against the wall near the front door. I point to his shoes. He looks down and shrugs them off. I point to the hallway. He trots in the direction of my finger.
“Jaejoong, take a shower.” I order and he nods. I feel powerful. Woo. I love power!
Jaejoong walks straight into the bathroom and I go to our small kitchenette. I boil water and take a mug from the washing rack, and pop a teabag into it. I’m not sure if it’s going to help with the hangover, but at least he’s going to have something warm to drink after sleeping out in the cold just now.
I hear the shower working. He’s such a noiseless shower-er. So quiet.
Hmmmmm.
I reflexively frown.
“Jaejoong?” I walk hastily to the bathroom and knock on the door. The shower sounds so loud, but there is no sound from Jaejoong. I twist the doorknob and it opens without protest.
Lying there inside the shower stall in a freezing heap is Jaejoong, still in his jeans and black jacket. Damn it!
I gasp and quickly turn off the shower button. “Jaejoong! Jaejoong! Wake up, you’re freezing!”
He blinks awake and grins at me. “You look like Jeong Yunho…”
“I am Jeong Yunho!”
“You’re Jeong Yunho?”
He peers closer, shivering from head to toe. His grin gets wider, and there is this glint in his half-opened eyes that reminds me of-
“Hah liar! You’re not as gorgeous as him!”
Oh fucking hell, not this again.
--[TBC]
jaejoong ♥ yunho | bff!jaechunsu | bff!homin
AU | comedy | fluff | romance | chaptered
+3, 500 words
Summary: The story is about Kim Jaejoong, who meets Jeong Yunho on the first day of university. It’s love at first Hi, complete with electric-charged handshake and chest groping. Always the firm believer of Love Will Come To Those Who Slave For It, or what he dubbed as The Bisco Theory, he goes on a quest to make Yunho his, in spite of the fact that Yunho is definitely, and without a doubt, straight.
a/n: omfg i really hate this chapter what to do what to do ;_____________; the emoness makes my brain bleed. huhu. don't hate me (or yunho) too much yeah? it's all these assignments, i swear! they took over my brain and now i'm all academic this and education that and i can't even write a crack chapter worth shit. i cry. can you feel my heartbeat, beat, beat~
i'm going to sleep. brb replying to comments when i finish hammering my self-esteem into nonexistence. /hides in my ball
one last note: HOMOPHOBIA SUCKS DONKEY'S BALLS. DON'T HAVE ONE, LOVELIES. or i'll puke on your heads D[
[ tl;dr author's note][ prologue][ one][ two][ three]
--
Chapter 4 - Yunho;
“Jaejoong you fucking whore how dare you puke on me I will kill you argghhhhhh!!!”
The war cry that travels through the noisy crowd reaches my ears and the narcissist in me tells me that it has something to do with me, and so I reflexively turn to the source of that cry to see who the crier is. Shit. It’s my housemate’s booze-smelling friend who I met on orientation day whose name I can’t recall at this very moment. And Jaejoong the said housemate, who looks like he either had fainted or is sniffing the couch zealously, his face plastered to the red leather and hidden by his blonde hair.
The latter is probable when you consider that it is Jaejoong and he is rather weird at times. Or all times. But I’m digressing.
I then reflexively look away from the scene, my survival genes urging to pretend that I haven’t heard anything because they do not want to take part in whatever drama Jaejoong and his cronies are acting on. Another guy comes to restrain boozy friend, yelling ‘stop! stop! Think about your future, Yoochun-ah!’ at the inhumane pitch of a sea mammal. I cringe as a reflex as a nasty shudder runs up my spine.
“Yunho, isn’t that Jaejoong?” Changmin prods my side and whisper into my left ear. I look at Lee Sookjin, BJ, Kang Woosun and Choi Jungmin who came along with us and instinct tells me it’s not a good thing to let them know about Jaejoong. So I pretend not to hear him and proceed to laugh at BJ’s joke, which I totally don’t even hear.
BJ and Sookjin are the worst homophobic guys I have ever met, and so letting them meet with a person who is as homosexual as Jaejoong is probably the biggest mistake I could make in my life. BJ thinks homosexuals are brainless creatures, and Sookjin vows to kill the gay people if he ever meets one because he thinks they are the reason for third world countries' poverty and hunger. It doesn’t make an ounce of sense but that’s Sookjin. He is a ruthless bastard and proud of it. Hell, I don’t think he even needs a reason to hate or kill.
The other two guys? They just follow the crowd. Spineless spoofballs. Just like me. Huhu.
“Yunho…” Changmin urges, brows wiggling as he gestures at the scene unfolding at the other end of the bar with his crazy look-at-that eyes. I shake my head at him, careful not to let my friends see me doing it. Changmin huffs like I just kick his puppy. Oh the nerve of this boy. He’s just the same as me!
“Yah Yunho, what are you doing standing there? Sit down, dude, you’re blocking my view of the fight!” BJ growls, pulling on my hand. I gape at him, and then gape at Changmin, who gapes at me.
They saw it. Oh my God. They saw it. Oh my God. They saw it. Oh my God. They-
Woosun chuckles and looks at me.
“Yunho, isn’t that your housemate? The one who’s being kicked at by that crazy looking guy?”
“Wha- ah- nu- uh.“ Yes, yes, I’m so intelligent. Kill me now. I look at Sookjin. Sookjin is drinking his beer, eyes narrowing to the scene involving Jaejoong and co. He smirks. I feel Changmin grabbing my shirt from behind.
I gulp and feel my heart beating like mad.
“Isn’t that Kim Jaejoong?” Sookjin says, voice wary and I feel like my heart just commits suicide. He knows Kim Jaejoong? How did he know Kim Jaejoong? Why did he know Kim Jaejoong? When did he know Kim Jaejoong? Where did he know Kim Jaejoong? What did he know about Kim Jaejoong? Who did he know as Kim Jaejoong????
My brain is exhausted from all the wh- questions it just spouted. Fuh. Tired. Brain needs rest.
“You know Kim Jaejoong?” Changmin asks on my behalf. Damn it I refuse to be grateful.
Sookjin lifts a brow up and shrugs. “I dated one of his sisters in high school.”
“What?” I yell loudly in three different voices. Wait, three voices? I look aside and see both Woosun and Jungmin looking slightly sheepish. Pshh.
“No big deal. Me and the girl dated for about a week or so during summer holiday. I forgot all about it when I got back to school, that’s why I didn’t tell you guys about it.” Sookjin continues on, looking away from us, biting his lower lips in an obvious show of hatred. “But I hate that guy so fucking much.”
“Why?” Woosun asks, as curious as all of us are.
Sookjin shrugs and replies. “He says I’m not good enough for his sister.” And then he glares across the room at the currently comatose Jaejoong. “Guy’s fucking gay, what did he know?”
I gulp. Twice.
BJ laughs maniacally. “You dated a poof’s sister? Hahaha you’ve got such rotten luck, Sookie-boy!” He thumps Sookjin’s head. BJ’s the only one among us who dares to physically harm Sookjin. Good thing he’s as big as the freaking Polar bear.
“Fuck off.” Sookjin flips him off.
BJ laughs maniacally again, his eyes glinting in this super crazy evil manner. “Let’s bash him! Let’s show him what real men are made of!”
Sookjin grins, obviously taken with the idea. Woosun and Jungmin laugh, but I don’t know whether to take them seriously or not because they always laugh to what Sookjin and BJ are saying. I glance at Changmin and he is just quiet. Funny guy. Isn’t he the one who couldn’t stop making fun of my twinkling housemate before?
The guys continue laughing and plotting and my heart whimpers in its unwillingness to admit that it feels bad. I do not feel bad. No I don’t. But why is my heart wriggling in this painful, don’t-let-them-do-this kind of way?
I look at Changmin again, because I feel like he’s looking at me. Which is true because he is looking at me. With those sad-looking eyes of his that I can’t give name to that tell me I need to do something about the bashing plan. Fuck it. Not my business. I look away and feign ignorance.
Ignore Changmin’s social worker-ish eyes. Ignore. Pretend not to see. Ignoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
The guys are talking about bats and kicks and oh, punches. Specifically BJ’s ultimate rib-breaking punches.
Uh-oh Jaejoong. I’m sorry, dear housemate, but you will have to die now.
I look at my friends, but think of Jaejoong. My friends laugh, not knowing I’m thinking of Jaejoong and imagining his mangled body being crushed under my friends’ hands and feet.
I can’t do this shit. My heart practically bleeds tears into my soul and I crumble in the wake of my conscience.
Ouuuuhh I’m such a deep, deep person.
I stand up and sigh, loudly.
“Guys.” I say. Silence falls like shit on bricks. I hope if they are going to kill me, they are going to kill me quick. With not much pain. Oh my bowel.
The group looks up at me. The silence is suffocating. Fuck I’m going to die from the silence because I wheeze- can’t wheeze- breathe wheeze-
“I need to go to the toilet.” I say. I see Changmin rolling his eyes and I feel like socking my fingers into his eye sockets. Die you die!
BJ snorts dismissively at me. “Then just go! Do you need us to hold it for you or something?” The guys snicker and I feel my stomach gets knotted into ribbons. Fuck this.
Changmin waves a hand randomly, catching everyone’s interest. I look at him and he gives me this look that my stupid, undermined brain couldn’t comprehend.
“Why don’t we go hit Rock on Ice after this? I heard Epik High is going to be there. What say you? Jungmin? Sookjin? BJ? Woosun?” He wiggles his eyebrows and smirks like a cool guy and whatnot.
I stone there, standing like a pole. Uh. Epik High. Uh. Wow. I want in.
Changmin glares at me just as I’m about to say ‘I’m in!’ like the rest of the group. I glare back at him. He lifts a hand up to brush his nose and ninja-ly points at the other side of the bar.
My eyes widen. Shit I’m so slow!
I walk backward to the toilet, careful not to let my non-presence alerts the group as much. Just as I’m sure they can’t see me, I walk around the counter to get to the other side of the bar. The crowd is thickening and so I snoop down like a dog (does that make me Snoop Dog? Snoopy the Dog. LOLOLOL what am I doing) and almost crawl to get to where Jaejoong is.
When I get there, Jaejoong’s boozy friend and his unknown friend look at me like I just grow from the ground. Heh. I’m dazzling them with my ninja skills it seems.
“Hey.” I wave at them. The boozy friend (Yoojun? Yoochun?) glowers at me like he’s going to bite my head off, his shirt wet and soaking and smelling like puke. Yuckkk. The other friend just smiles at me like he’s guilty. Maybe he is. I glare at him. He stops smiling.
“Umm, Yunho-sshi right?” The unknown one speaks, voice slightly quivering as he tries to block the puke-covered friend from pummeling comatose Jaejoong into the realm of death.
I nod. He looks so pathetic, this unknown person. “Yeap, I’m Jeong Yunho. You’re Jaejoong’s friends?” I gesture to the both of them. The puke guy snarls at me. Woah easy there, buddy. I’m just asking.
“Ex-friend! Fuck I’m going to mince the bastard and drink him up like slurpies! Go away, Junsu, let me dig my claws onto that shitface’s body! Arghhhhh!” the puke guy growls menacingly, hands flailing to reach Jaejoong’s body. I block him off instinctively, all the while trying not to attract the attention of my group that is sitting on the other end of the bar. You might think it’s easy doing this, but the bar isn’t that big and puke man has a very loud, stinking mouth. I feel like killing him just to shut him up.
Junsu (the unknown one who is now named) tells me hurriedly in the midst of us blocking Yoochun (puke guy is also named) away to take Jaejoong home. I agree, because staying another second in the bar with my homophobic group of friends and a loud, homicidal puke-covered person is not a very good option at the moment.
Junsu shows me the way to the back of the bar. Thank God, it’s out of the group’s view.
I lug Jaejoong’s unconscious body up my back and dunk low, shielding my face with his muscular arm. He is out-cold, this fucking load of timber. And oh my fucking God he’s heavy.
I wheeze. Heeeeeee.
Someone opens the back door and I thank that someone mindlessly, all the while trying not to eat the earth because of the weight on my back.
Jaejoong shifts slightly, and I stop walking.
“Macarena… is the best song ever. ‘is fact.” He mumbles into my ear, and then goes out again.
I am so very tempted to just dump him on the sidewalk and leave him to play with the stray cats.
I didn’t dump him on the sidewalk so he could play with the stray cats because contrary to what some people believe, I have a conscience and I’m whipped by her when it comes to things like this. I seriously hate my conscience sometimes. She tells me to do things my body don’t want to do and my brain is too chicken to fight against. She’s like the emperor to my thoughts or something, and I fucking hate her. And yes, my conscience is a female. My mind represents her as a woman with long, flowing straight hair and big boobs who has a constant slutty expression.
Or did I confuse my conscience with the hormonal part of my brain? Hmmm.
But ah, who cares. I don’t. My back hurts. Why the fuck does he has to be so heavy? He looks so skinny though. Oh the lies that it tells my eyes.
I feel Jaejoong moves against my hip. My reflex action is to check on him, and damn my reflex because I see him shiver in his sleep and my heart constricts in this painful, sympathetic way.
My heart is a freaking Mother Theresa and it sucks.
Let me clear something before that. We didn’t get back home. I was too tired to carry him all the way back to the hostel so I stopped here, at this park near the hostel but not quite, and wait beside Jaejoong as he dozes off in his drunken, post-vomit dream. I’m hungry, but I can’t leave him here to go search for food because who knows what might happen to him while I’m gone. Therefore I’m pissed off my shit, but at the same time torn between taking care of my housemate and taking care of myself.
My life sucks.
I feel him shiver again and I groan. I can’t do this.
Sighing in defeat, I take off my knitted sweater and cover him with it. Damn boy looks so fragile hugging his own body like that.
“Don’t rape me...” he says in lieu of a thank you. I chuckle bitterly, because it’s hella funny. I should be the one scared of him raping me in his drunken state of mind, but instead he told me not to rape him. Such lolworthy remark. I should hit his head for it.
I hit his head. He ouches feebly, and moves further under my sweater. It’s not big enough to cover his body so he tries to scrunch up into the smallest human ball possible, which still isn’t small enough. I sigh, again.
“Come on, Jaejoong, let’s go back. It’s getting late.” I say to him. He shakes his head, and I fight the urge to hit his head again.
“Don’t wanna…” he whines. His lips are bluish and his cheeks are red and he says ‘don’t wanna’? God have mercy on us for this gift of a petulant child! I smack his thigh not so softly. He keens.
“Don’t rape me…” he begs, and I frown. Two girls pass us by and shoot me a dirty look, obviously hearing what Jaejoong had said as they scamper away. I smack his shoulder hard this time. He whines, low and deep.
“This is not funny, Jaejoong! And stop telling me not to rape you, I don’t have the slightest intention of touching your body in any way!” I grumble at him and pull hard on his arm. He jerks up and blinks at me with his half-lidded eyes.
“You look like Jeong Yunho…”
“I am Jeong Yunho!” I yell in frustration. Good thing he knows me though. I don’t know what I’d do if he says I look like a cat. I don’t know, random thought. My sister told me once that I look like a cat.
“You’re Jeong Yunho?” he asks, coming nearer and invading my personal space. I freeze. One of his hand grips my sweater that’s covering his body and the other comes up to touch my cheek. I smell vomit when he opens his mouth. Bleghhhh.
“Hah liar! You’re not as gorgeous as him!” he grins, head tilting to one side and eyelashes fluttering against his reddened cheeks. He thinks I’m gorgeous? Aww thanks. But he looks utterly adorable too…
I shake his hand off my face and stand up. My face is warm. So weird, so weird, so very weird.
“Uh. Umm. Let’s go back.”
Jaejoong looks at me, expression lost. “Where?”
I groan. “Our apartment, where else!”
He grins. “We have an apartment?”
I frown at him. What is he getting at? “Um, yeah.”
“Do we have dogs?” he asks.
“No, we are not allowed to have pets.”
“Ouu, such a pity. I love dogs. Big, fluffy dogs. Auwwrr auwwrrr!”
I actually smile. He’s a kiddish drunk. “I love dogs too.”
“You do? That’s good, that’s good.” He nods, grinning happily. His cheeks are so pink. “Do you like kids?”
“Not really.” I imagine my younger cousins and their terrorizing ability. I shudder. “Actually, no.”
He pouts. “Awww. But I love kids.”
“Good for you.”
“Then what should we do?”
I frown. “What should we do about what?”
“The kids!” Jaejoong mutters and pouts. He looks so ridiculous with his hair all over the place and my pink sweater covering his body. “I want kids but you don’t like them!”
“Just get them then. Why should you care whether I like kids or not?” I reply.
“But how am I supposed to have kids without you…” Jaejoong looks up at me and I see his lips quiver. What-
Oh no. Oh my shit no.
He starts to hiccup.
“Jaejoong I…” I don’t know what to say! I don’t know what to say! Fuck my brain I don’t know what to say!
He starts to cry. No no no no no!
“No, Jaejoong, don’t cry!” he starts bawling. I panic. “Please!”
“You don’t -bawls wanna -hiccups have babies -snorts with meeeeeeeeeeee -bawls!”
I look around. More girls walk pass and scuttle away. I panic even more.
“Sssh, Jaejoong, ssshhhhh! No, no, don’t cry, please…” I plead, pulling him up. He yanks my hand off and glares at me with his tear-filled eyes. I feel guilty, even when I’m not. It’s not my fault he wants babies when I’m not ready to have them yet!
Stop. Backtrack a few minutes into our last conversation. Huh.
Babies?
“Jaejoong!” I slap his head. He doubles over in pain and bawls into his knees. “I’m not going to have babies with you! We’re both guys, we can’t have babies for fuck’s sake!”
I’m so angry, oh I’m so, so angry. How dare he roped me into feeling guilty over something so ridiculously impossible and not true!
“But Junsu wrote…” he looks up at me, eyes red and cheeks redder. “…he wrote men having babies in his stories! M-preg is possible! Why are you such a non-believer! I hate you, I hate youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”
“Men can’t have babies!” I’m outright yelling by now. Oh my God the amount of bullshit this guy is spouting is making me want to kick a puppy and commit random violence. “How are we supposed to carry the fetuses? In our asses?”
Jaejoong looks at me like I’m stupid. “Like duhhh! It’s called anal pregnancy! Google it you jerk!”
I gape at him. The stupidity stuns.
“I’m not gonna let you make love to me for a week! That’s your punishment for being such a dickwad!” He continues, kicking at me hormonally.
I still gape. My eye twitches and my nose flairs. Jaejoong sniffles.
Frogs croak and birds crow.
I laugh. A loud, loud laugh that can probably be heard all the way to Mars and back.
“Anal pregnancy! Puahahahaha! Anal…fufufu…pregnancy!” I laugh my asses off, nearly doubling over and kissing my shoes. I see Jaejoong pouts in my peripheral view but I couldn’t care less. Anal pregnancy! A.N.A.L.P.R.E.G.N.A.N.C.Y!
Fucking cheeses walking on the moon!
“Shut up.” Jaejoong mutters as I collect back the guts I’ve lost from all the laughing. Oh my God oh my God oh my God that was precious. I need to tell Changmin this.
I look back at Jaejoong and see him pouting. His eyes are still teary around the edges but he has stopped crying. Awww he looks embarrassed and so, so cute!
“Come on, let’s go back. You’ve entertained me enough for the night, buddy. Time to get you clean for bed.” I say happily, because somehow my mood has been lifted by his stupid, anal pregnancy thingamajig. Haha, so funny.
Jaejoong takes my proffered hand and we walk back in forced silence, him swaying slightly on his feet and me trying to not set another bout of laughter off.
Anal pregnancy. Pbbbt.
We get home safely, and I didn’t laugh on our way back. Jaejoong is somewhat sober now, because he can stand without falling on his face. But he still is uncharacteristically quiet, which tells me he’s not yet fully sober.
I’m sure he’ll feel like hell has moved permanently into his head in the morning though. Well, karma’s a bitch. No, I’m not happy with his bad predicament. I'm a kind person, it would be too much if I-
Oh who am I kidding. I am happy. Heh.
Jaejoong slumps against the wall near the front door. I point to his shoes. He looks down and shrugs them off. I point to the hallway. He trots in the direction of my finger.
“Jaejoong, take a shower.” I order and he nods. I feel powerful. Woo. I love power!
Jaejoong walks straight into the bathroom and I go to our small kitchenette. I boil water and take a mug from the washing rack, and pop a teabag into it. I’m not sure if it’s going to help with the hangover, but at least he’s going to have something warm to drink after sleeping out in the cold just now.
I hear the shower working. He’s such a noiseless shower-er. So quiet.
Hmmmmm.
I reflexively frown.
“Jaejoong?” I walk hastily to the bathroom and knock on the door. The shower sounds so loud, but there is no sound from Jaejoong. I twist the doorknob and it opens without protest.
Lying there inside the shower stall in a freezing heap is Jaejoong, still in his jeans and black jacket. Damn it!
I gasp and quickly turn off the shower button. “Jaejoong! Jaejoong! Wake up, you’re freezing!”
He blinks awake and grins at me. “You look like Jeong Yunho…”
“I am Jeong Yunho!”
“You’re Jeong Yunho?”
He peers closer, shivering from head to toe. His grin gets wider, and there is this glint in his half-opened eyes that reminds me of-
“Hah liar! You’re not as gorgeous as him!”
Oh fucking hell, not this again.
--[TBC]