the bisco theory; chapter 1
the bisco theory; chapter 1
jaejoong ♥ yunho | bff!jaechunsu | bff!homin
AU | comedy | fluff | romance | chaptered
+3, 200 words
Summary: The story is about Kim Jaejoong, who meets Jeong Yunho on the first day of university. It’s love at first Hi, complete with electric-charged handshake and chest groping. Always the firm believer of Love Will Come To Those Who Slave For It, or what he dubbed as The Bisco Theory, he goes on a quest to make Yunho his, in spite of the fact that Yunho is definitely, and without a doubt, straight.
[ tl;dr author's note][ prologue]
--
Chapter 1 - Jaejoong;
I am certain, never more certain than this. It is love at first sight, the guy's warm smile blinding my eyes and instantly I recognize the drumming fest in my heart - I am already half in love with the stranger.
“Hi.”
“H-hey.”
“I’m new here. Are you a senior?”
I shake my head stupidly, eyes wide and mouth gaping goldfish-ly.
“Oh.” He looks sort of disappointed, but then he smiles again, optimistically. Does he want me to be his senior? I can, I totally can! Come back next year and I will be!
“Umm…” He scratches his forehead like he is embarrassed or something before extending a hand to me. How a-do-rableeeeee. “…the name’s Jeong Yunho.”
I stare at the outstretched hand (because I’m fucking slow sometimes. Ughh Jaejoong!), at the upturned palm and lifelines and then up at the man again to see him smiling so sweetly.
Oh my heart. It beats so crazily. Jeongmal dap dap daphae, gap gap gaphae, mak mak makhae-
I waste no more than forever to grasp the guy’s hand, my own shaking perceptibly. Electrons pass between us like fireworks, magical and burning and passionate and stereotypically exaggerated in my mind. The stranger fidgets and smiles again, oh don’t you ever stop smiling my boy. I withdraw my hand when I realize we have been holding each other's hand for far too long (not that I mind. Sniggers.) and from behind, I hear Yoochun shouts for me amidst the busy crowd of Seoul University. It’s the first day after all, everybody is excited because yay we are in university! So noisy. Grumbles. But again, not that I really mind. The gorgeous person in front of me makes me woozy and deft to the noise. I’m mind-muddled, folks. My heart is quite taken by this one fucking hot gorgeous tall person.
I also realize that it is time for my ever-foolproof theory to get trialed and tested.
Junsu is going to hate that I’m going to be right, again. Come on, it’s me. I’m right all the fucking time.
"Yahh Kim Jaejoong! Don't leave me like that, you bastard-" Yoochun mutters stupidly and I quickly clasp a hand on his stupid rambling mouth, all the while shooting an apologetic smile at Yunho. Yoochun flails, damn difficult spazzy best friend, and tries to pull my hand away from his mouth but to no avail. Haha.
But again, Yoochun is really, really stupid sometimes. And yucky. He bites hard on my hand, his sharp teeth sinking into my palm mercilessly.
“Fucking son of a bitch- Park Yoochun!!” I yelp, kicking my ex-best friend a good few meters away. Yoochun flips me off as he rights himself up, and runs to hide behind Yunho.
Seriously, can he be any stupider? Argh!
Gorgeous Yunho looks at me, sort of lost and somewhat amused. I bet he’s feeling secondhand embarrassment for me. Shit. Look at what you’ve done, Park Stupid Yoochun!
“Sorry. He knows no manner, Yunho-sshi. Park Yoochun, come here you!” I dart forward like a ninja and try to grab Yoochun from the side. He leaps quickly to Yunho’s other side, unashamedly using the man as his armor. I’m about to yell out my war cry and jump on him when Yunho holds a hand to my chest, stopping me in track. I blink. Twice.
His hand. On my chest. His pretty, vein-y, manly hand. On my chest. Why do I feel like an orgasm is building up? Now here I come, here I come come come come come-
GODDAMNIT GD GET OUT OF MY HEAD RIGHT NOW.
“Now, now…” Yunho says, chuckling as his hand travels up my chest before it settles on my shoulder, patting me affectionately. What? Why? But we just met and all and he’s really touching me, isn’t he?
I blush cutely, eyes twinkling in a besotted, melted butter manner. I know, because I look at myself in the mirror often enough. Trust me, I know.
“Jaejoong.” Yoochun calls out, eying me incredulously and jealously. He looks at the new guy then back at me, then back to the new guy again. I know he knows what’s happening, oh yes he does, and I bet he’s jealous because I called dibs on Yunho first. I’m good at calling dibs. No one ever defeats me at dibs-calling. True story I swear.
“Jaejoong.” Yoochun says my name again, establishing that I am the person to which his next sentence is going to be addressed. “Oh no you don’t.”
Yunho looks at him like he is weird. Which he is. I’m not going to lie.
“What?” I ask back, annoyed.
“The damn theory…Not that, please.” Yoochun groans. Yunho looks terribly lost this time around. Poor, cuddly boy.
“What theory?” I brush him off, making growly eyes at him while trying to not let Yunho sees my scariness. “Can you please mind your manners, Yoochun? You’re scaring our new friend here.” I say all diplomatically, and Yunho chuckles, embarrassed for God knows what. Adorable people do that, they chuckle when they are embarrassed. I do that sometimes too because I’m adorable. Sometimes.
Yoochun rolls his eyes and flips me off again, before he walks away to find Junsu. That’s my other gullible, oftentimes stupid best friend. We’ll meet him later on, so yeah, be patient, folks.
So back to Yunho and I. We’re not finished. We never will be. A-ha, cryptic note is cryptic.
“So…” Yunho starts, scuffing his shoe against the sidewalk brick cutely. Damn he’s cute. Can I keep him in my pocket? But then my pocket will rip, because he’s so big. So, so big. No Jaejoong, don’t go there, no, nooooooooooooooooo-
Damn, I went there.
My eyes fly to his fly sneakily. Eyebrows rise and heart thumps. I’m impressed.
“…umm, may I ask you something?” he starts again, and my eyes fly back up to where it’s appropriate.
“Yeah, sure.” I coolly answer, because I’m cool like that.
He hotly replies, because he’s hot like that. “Do you know where the hostel management office is? I think I’m…kind of lost.” He scratches his forehead again. Poor skin is red by all the scratching he’d done. I wish I can kiss it better. Jaejuice, I’m so easily distracted!
“Oh you are?” I say sympathetically, smiling as I do. “Yeah, I know where it is.” I glance around, trying to locate where we exactly are.
We are in front of hostel management building! I’ve come here earlier with Junsu to sort out his room.
“Actually, we are in front of the office.” I let out my pretty half laugh, half giggle as Yunho gasps. “Look behind you.”
He does. And he gasps again.
“Oh my god how can I missed it.” He looks thoroughly embarrassed this time. “I’m really sorry to bother you, Jaejoong-sshi.”
My name sounds so good being uttered from that nice looking, plump male lips.
“Don’t worry, it’s nothing.”
“Really, thank you so much. You’ve been so nice.” Only to gorgeous people. But he doesn’t know that.
“Aww, thank you, Yunho-sshi.” You can tell I just want to say his name. Hihi.
He gestures towards the office. “I guess I should go before all the rooms are filled.” I nod. He nods. Both of us move an inch back.
“I’ll see you around? Thanks again, Jaejoong-sshi.” He says, walking two steps backward.
I walk two steps backward too. “Of course. See you around, Yunho-sshi.”
He smiles once more and nods, turning to jog to the office.
I watch as his body disappears behind some kind of wood door and sigh. God how can I be so lucky?
Smiling devilishly, I pull out my cellphone from my tight jeans back pocket. It takes some effort. Oof. Okay, done. Press ‘contact’. Scroll down to ‘H’. Find ‘Heejun (office)’. Press ‘call’.
“Yo.” Heejun answers, sounding bored. Well, it is boring to be a clerk. All you do is type on the computer and answer phone calls all day..
Heejun’s my cousin by the way, six years older. I love hanging out with him because he doesn’t talk much and he lets me do all the talking which is absolutely dandy. I hate it when people try to talk when I’m talking. Aside from that, he’s kind of boring. Like his job. I guess it’s true that a job makes a person.
That’s why I want to be a businessman. Businessmen make important life-changing decision, have lots of money, and cheat on their wives, which is fine by me because I’m not planning to have one. Wife, that is. Money, of course I do. Don't be stupid.
I know I'm making sweeping, unfair generalization about businessmen but it’s okay since I’m one of the businessmen-to-be too.
I'd probably cheat on my husband though, if I ever get one. But that's too far into the future and I don't want to imagine. Monogamy makes my blood curdle. Poor future hubby.
“Yo Hyung. It’s me, Jaejoong.”
“I know.”
“You busy?”
“Yea.”
“Can I ask for your help then?”
“Not really.”
“Okay. So the thing is, I need you to help me change my housemate. Or change me out, whichever is easier.”
“Your current housemate?”
“Yoochun?” I ponder for a second. “Did Junsu get a housemate yet?”
“He did.” Heejun pauses, saying a bored ‘thank you’ to someone off the phone. “About ten seconds ago.”
“Damn.” I ponder again, harder. Fuck Yoochun is going to kill me. “Can you just put Yoochun with anyone available?”
Heejun talks with someone off the phone again. I wait.
“Okay. I can put him with this Jeong Yunho guy.”
“No!!!” I scream. No, no, no, that’s not how that works! “Don’t put him together with that guy!”
“Why?” Heejun’s voice hikes up a note. Just a slight, higher note. No more than a half-note, really.
“Put me together with him!”
“With Yoochun?”
“No! With Jeong Yunho!”
“You and Jeong Yunho?”
“Yes, me and Jeong Yunho!”
“What about Yoochun?”
“Find somebody else for him!”
“Uh, no more two rooms apartment available.”
Shit shit shit. I’m really going to be skinned alive. With dull knife Yoochun keeps in his manpurse. Oh my God.
“Hyung, pleaseeeeeeeeeeee?” I beg. When it comes to surviving Yoochun’s wrath, I’m not above begging. He’s so going to call me out for being a disloyal bitch.
But it’s Yunho. Jeong Yunho! I have a very plausible reason to be disloyal, right? Right?
I listen on as Heejun does things on his computer that I can’t see. I’m not superhuman, duhh.
Finally. “There’s only one studio apartment left.”
“Yeay! Book him in!”
“It’s expensive.”
“Uh.” I feel my brain yelling at me. It says, ‘you fucking stupid human shell! You’re so going to regret this!’ in a creepy, Yoochun-like voice. I close my eyes and chant my peace mantra inwardly. The brain gives up. “How much?”
“175, 000 won per week. Water, electric, and internet included.”
Fucking hell. That’s not expensive, that’s capitalism at its’ cruelest!
I think. Real fast. Shit. I still think. The only way Yoochun would agree to stay in that fucking exclusive studio apartment on his own is if I agree to pay some of it off. 10 percent? No way. He will ask for more, surely. No more than 20 percent hopefully. Fuck I’m screwed.
“Yoochun’s rich, so don’t worry.” Fuck I’m so, so screwed. “Just put him there and let Yunho stay with me.”
I hear him type on his age-old office computer.
“Done.”
I squeal happily. Yunho and I are going to be housemates! Weeeee!
“Have I ever told you I love you, hyung?”
“No.”
“Then I will tell you today. Heejunie-hyung, I love you!”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you at Auntie’s house next weekend, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks hyung! Again, I love youuuuuuuuuuuu!”
He hangs up on me. I don’t really mind, because he’s wonderful. My wonderful cousin, who works for the university in hostel management office and who just helped me in my most important life-changing moment since I was born.
Theory be damned, I’m going to rock housemate-ing with Yunho. Just imagine all the fun we would have, all the pillow fights and hoarse-y good mornings and sexy good nights. It is so worth the risk of getting bludgeoned to death by Yoochun!
I giggle, because I’m excited.
Aren’t you all?
So about this theory, because I know you guys want in on it. Since I’m feeling extremely generous right now, I will share my secret. Feel free to spread it around, just don’t forget to credit me when you do. You’re welcome, sweeties. Smooches.
So I have a theory. What is it exactly? Why do I believe in it more than I believe in God and religion? I can tell you that it’s very important (because I only believe in important things, of course) and it can be very complicated for your mind to process, so you have to be mentally prepared.
Ready? Mentally prepped?
Okay, here it goes.
The theory came to me one early Saturday morning in the middle of spring last year, as I was mixing diet-friendly sugar, flour and low-fat chocolate chip for my infamous Saturday cookies. It caught me off-guard, so off-guard that it made me drops my favorite red whisk.
I had never dropped my favorite red whisk before, so I knew right away that this had to be the defining moment of my life.
I dubbed the theory as The Bisco Theory - because calling it The Biscuit Theory didn’t sound as nice.
Unselfishly, I called my two BFFs and put us on a three-way conversation to discuss the theory. Well, I discussed it while those two idiots listened.
So about this theory. You guys prepared yeah? Good, good. Sit down, honey, and grab your seat. You might be blown away by my intelligence.
Basically, the theory claimed that no one in the universe, human or alien, can escape from falling in love when they are being pursued patiently and loved passionately by another, given that the process of patiently pursuing and passionately loving are done discreetly and inconspicuously. Love doesn’t come to those who wait; it comes to those who have the ninja skill to get it.
One will love when loved, to put it simply for the simple-minded people. You got to work for it to own it, for those who are just plain stupid.
Junsu was quiet, obviously made silent by the sheer genius of the theory. Yoochun cursed and told me to fuck off before hanging up. I didn’t take offense because I’ve always known Yoochun to be slightly jealous of me all the time.
“Jaejoong.” Junsu breathed out, sounding somewhat constipated. I conveniently chose to ignore the missing enthusiasm in his voice and focused instead on his sheer puzzlement.
“It is genius, isn’t it? My theory. Seriously, I couldn’t wait to tell you guys when it struck me because it’s just so true, you know. I bet no one can find any fault with it. I tried looking at it from other perspectives but it’s just so damn perfect. I couldn’t find one single loophole in which it wouldn’t work.” I said giddily, bending down to pick my fallen favorite red whisk. My poor baby. Coos.
I heard Junsu inhaled sharply. Well, I knew how my intelligence can overwhelm other people at times. Take Yoochun for example, he could never just accept that I was smarter than him and always resorted to plain insults and running away to delude himself of the fact. But I was an understanding person. Really. I never held grudges on anyone, ever.
No cookies for Yoochun this time, though.
“Jaejoong?”
“Yeap?”
“Are you sure…are you really okay? Did you drink any alcoholic beverage this morning? Maybe you’d want…to come over to my place? We can talk?” Junsu asked carefully, teetering over the edges of my sharp perception.
I frowned, confused yet perceiving bad vibes nonetheless. My sharp perception tickled and rang in alarm. “What for?”
I heard Junsu inhaled sharply for the second time. When he finally spoke, he was stuttering. “Well…you were…you know…the theory…err…”
I felt my brow twitching as my smile turned grim. If there was any other thing I believed more than my newly discovered theory it was my ability to detect other people’s disbelief and skepticism on what I did and said.
“You don’t believe in my theory, do you Kim Junsu?” I said menacingly. Junsu gulped.
“It’s not that I don’t believe in it-“
“You don’t.”
“But you see-“
I huffed like a bitch, cutting Junsu’s reply short.
“Now now there’s no need to get all worked up-“
“What? Oh my God I can’t believe you guys. Just. I can’t even.”
“Don’t jump into unnecessary conclusion.” Junsu sounded annoyed. I just got angrier.
“Unnecessary conclusions? Seriously Junsu?”
“Jae-“
“You’re just like Yoochun! Why can’t you two just be my supportive best friends when I need you guys to be?”
“Jaejoong please, don’t be so dramatic-“
“Oh now I’m being dramatic! What about you not being able to accept that my theory is plain genius?!”
“Why are you yelling?!”
“You’re yelling too!”
“That’s because you yelled first!”
“You made me yell at you, stupid face!”
“What?! So you’re going to start with the name-calling now, huh? Alright, we’re on sissy boy!”
“Sissy boy?!” I snorted, ripping my apron off in a dramatic show of anger. “What are you? Fucking ten years old?!”
“You jealous old wench?”
“You said I’m old?! You’re such a rotten asshole, Kim Junsu!! Wait till I get to you, I’ll settle this in the most inhumane way possible! I have a meat-mincer you know!”
“Why wait?! Why not settle it now since there’s already this crazy person who went around calling people at 5:30 on a weekend morning and rambled on about his theory without any consideration for people who need their beauty sleep?!” Junsu shouted. “And FYI, Kim Jaejoong, your theory is not a theory! It’s a fucking hypothetical situation that will never, ever happen to you!”
“You!” I gritted his teeth, mind struggling to form a smart comeback. I failed. I screamed. “You!!”
“Yes, me!!!” Junsu bit back, voice scaling higher. “When you’ve tested your theory, come back to me and I promise I will be on my knees begging you to fuck my rotten asshole, which I know you’ve been wanting to fuck since forever! Yoochun told me all about it in his sleep!”
I gasped, feeling both scandalized and humiliated as my face burned. In my mind, I was strangling Yoochun and stabbing his potty, booze-addicted mouth with my very sharp kitchen knife while Junsu watches and get traumatized for life.
“I do not want to fuck your unhygienic ass, so ewww, go away!” I retorted, finally finding my temporarily lost wittiness. I took my pen and scratched out Junsu’s name from my Saturday cookies list, all the while taking a large, calming breath. I exhaled.
“And I will test my theory, so be prepared to be on your knees to beg me for my forgiveness. And no cookies today for you, Junsu. You disappoint me.” I added.
“I’m glad I did.” Junsu bitterly said before hanging up. I growled and yelled murder at the phone because hell, I wanted to hang up on Junsu first!
--TBC
a/n: so yeah, it's out. my eyes burrrrrrrrnnnnnn omfg. i need to get off the comp. next update tomorrow, bbs. kissyfaces to all. :x
jaejoong ♥ yunho | bff!jaechunsu | bff!homin
AU | comedy | fluff | romance | chaptered
+3, 200 words
Summary: The story is about Kim Jaejoong, who meets Jeong Yunho on the first day of university. It’s love at first Hi, complete with electric-charged handshake and chest groping. Always the firm believer of Love Will Come To Those Who Slave For It, or what he dubbed as The Bisco Theory, he goes on a quest to make Yunho his, in spite of the fact that Yunho is definitely, and without a doubt, straight.
[ tl;dr author's note][ prologue]
--
Chapter 1 - Jaejoong;
I am certain, never more certain than this. It is love at first sight, the guy's warm smile blinding my eyes and instantly I recognize the drumming fest in my heart - I am already half in love with the stranger.
“Hi.”
“H-hey.”
“I’m new here. Are you a senior?”
I shake my head stupidly, eyes wide and mouth gaping goldfish-ly.
“Oh.” He looks sort of disappointed, but then he smiles again, optimistically. Does he want me to be his senior? I can, I totally can! Come back next year and I will be!
“Umm…” He scratches his forehead like he is embarrassed or something before extending a hand to me. How a-do-rableeeeee. “…the name’s Jeong Yunho.”
I stare at the outstretched hand (because I’m fucking slow sometimes. Ughh Jaejoong!), at the upturned palm and lifelines and then up at the man again to see him smiling so sweetly.
Oh my heart. It beats so crazily. Jeongmal dap dap daphae, gap gap gaphae, mak mak makhae-
I waste no more than forever to grasp the guy’s hand, my own shaking perceptibly. Electrons pass between us like fireworks, magical and burning and passionate and stereotypically exaggerated in my mind. The stranger fidgets and smiles again, oh don’t you ever stop smiling my boy. I withdraw my hand when I realize we have been holding each other's hand for far too long (not that I mind. Sniggers.) and from behind, I hear Yoochun shouts for me amidst the busy crowd of Seoul University. It’s the first day after all, everybody is excited because yay we are in university! So noisy. Grumbles. But again, not that I really mind. The gorgeous person in front of me makes me woozy and deft to the noise. I’m mind-muddled, folks. My heart is quite taken by this one fucking hot gorgeous tall person.
I also realize that it is time for my ever-foolproof theory to get trialed and tested.
Junsu is going to hate that I’m going to be right, again. Come on, it’s me. I’m right all the fucking time.
"Yahh Kim Jaejoong! Don't leave me like that, you bastard-" Yoochun mutters stupidly and I quickly clasp a hand on his stupid rambling mouth, all the while shooting an apologetic smile at Yunho. Yoochun flails, damn difficult spazzy best friend, and tries to pull my hand away from his mouth but to no avail. Haha.
But again, Yoochun is really, really stupid sometimes. And yucky. He bites hard on my hand, his sharp teeth sinking into my palm mercilessly.
“Fucking son of a bitch- Park Yoochun!!” I yelp, kicking my ex-best friend a good few meters away. Yoochun flips me off as he rights himself up, and runs to hide behind Yunho.
Seriously, can he be any stupider? Argh!
Gorgeous Yunho looks at me, sort of lost and somewhat amused. I bet he’s feeling secondhand embarrassment for me. Shit. Look at what you’ve done, Park Stupid Yoochun!
“Sorry. He knows no manner, Yunho-sshi. Park Yoochun, come here you!” I dart forward like a ninja and try to grab Yoochun from the side. He leaps quickly to Yunho’s other side, unashamedly using the man as his armor. I’m about to yell out my war cry and jump on him when Yunho holds a hand to my chest, stopping me in track. I blink. Twice.
His hand. On my chest. His pretty, vein-y, manly hand. On my chest. Why do I feel like an orgasm is building up? Now here I come, here I come come come come come-
GODDAMNIT GD GET OUT OF MY HEAD RIGHT NOW.
“Now, now…” Yunho says, chuckling as his hand travels up my chest before it settles on my shoulder, patting me affectionately. What? Why? But we just met and all and he’s really touching me, isn’t he?
I blush cutely, eyes twinkling in a besotted, melted butter manner. I know, because I look at myself in the mirror often enough. Trust me, I know.
“Jaejoong.” Yoochun calls out, eying me incredulously and jealously. He looks at the new guy then back at me, then back to the new guy again. I know he knows what’s happening, oh yes he does, and I bet he’s jealous because I called dibs on Yunho first. I’m good at calling dibs. No one ever defeats me at dibs-calling. True story I swear.
“Jaejoong.” Yoochun says my name again, establishing that I am the person to which his next sentence is going to be addressed. “Oh no you don’t.”
Yunho looks at him like he is weird. Which he is. I’m not going to lie.
“What?” I ask back, annoyed.
“The damn theory…Not that, please.” Yoochun groans. Yunho looks terribly lost this time around. Poor, cuddly boy.
“What theory?” I brush him off, making growly eyes at him while trying to not let Yunho sees my scariness. “Can you please mind your manners, Yoochun? You’re scaring our new friend here.” I say all diplomatically, and Yunho chuckles, embarrassed for God knows what. Adorable people do that, they chuckle when they are embarrassed. I do that sometimes too because I’m adorable. Sometimes.
Yoochun rolls his eyes and flips me off again, before he walks away to find Junsu. That’s my other gullible, oftentimes stupid best friend. We’ll meet him later on, so yeah, be patient, folks.
So back to Yunho and I. We’re not finished. We never will be. A-ha, cryptic note is cryptic.
“So…” Yunho starts, scuffing his shoe against the sidewalk brick cutely. Damn he’s cute. Can I keep him in my pocket? But then my pocket will rip, because he’s so big. So, so big. No Jaejoong, don’t go there, no, nooooooooooooooooo-
Damn, I went there.
My eyes fly to his fly sneakily. Eyebrows rise and heart thumps. I’m impressed.
“…umm, may I ask you something?” he starts again, and my eyes fly back up to where it’s appropriate.
“Yeah, sure.” I coolly answer, because I’m cool like that.
He hotly replies, because he’s hot like that. “Do you know where the hostel management office is? I think I’m…kind of lost.” He scratches his forehead again. Poor skin is red by all the scratching he’d done. I wish I can kiss it better. Jaejuice, I’m so easily distracted!
“Oh you are?” I say sympathetically, smiling as I do. “Yeah, I know where it is.” I glance around, trying to locate where we exactly are.
We are in front of hostel management building! I’ve come here earlier with Junsu to sort out his room.
“Actually, we are in front of the office.” I let out my pretty half laugh, half giggle as Yunho gasps. “Look behind you.”
He does. And he gasps again.
“Oh my god how can I missed it.” He looks thoroughly embarrassed this time. “I’m really sorry to bother you, Jaejoong-sshi.”
My name sounds so good being uttered from that nice looking, plump male lips.
“Don’t worry, it’s nothing.”
“Really, thank you so much. You’ve been so nice.” Only to gorgeous people. But he doesn’t know that.
“Aww, thank you, Yunho-sshi.” You can tell I just want to say his name. Hihi.
He gestures towards the office. “I guess I should go before all the rooms are filled.” I nod. He nods. Both of us move an inch back.
“I’ll see you around? Thanks again, Jaejoong-sshi.” He says, walking two steps backward.
I walk two steps backward too. “Of course. See you around, Yunho-sshi.”
He smiles once more and nods, turning to jog to the office.
I watch as his body disappears behind some kind of wood door and sigh. God how can I be so lucky?
Smiling devilishly, I pull out my cellphone from my tight jeans back pocket. It takes some effort. Oof. Okay, done. Press ‘contact’. Scroll down to ‘H’. Find ‘Heejun (office)’. Press ‘call’.
“Yo.” Heejun answers, sounding bored. Well, it is boring to be a clerk. All you do is type on the computer and answer phone calls all day..
Heejun’s my cousin by the way, six years older. I love hanging out with him because he doesn’t talk much and he lets me do all the talking which is absolutely dandy. I hate it when people try to talk when I’m talking. Aside from that, he’s kind of boring. Like his job. I guess it’s true that a job makes a person.
That’s why I want to be a businessman. Businessmen make important life-changing decision, have lots of money, and cheat on their wives, which is fine by me because I’m not planning to have one. Wife, that is. Money, of course I do. Don't be stupid.
I know I'm making sweeping, unfair generalization about businessmen but it’s okay since I’m one of the businessmen-to-be too.
I'd probably cheat on my husband though, if I ever get one. But that's too far into the future and I don't want to imagine. Monogamy makes my blood curdle. Poor future hubby.
“Yo Hyung. It’s me, Jaejoong.”
“I know.”
“You busy?”
“Yea.”
“Can I ask for your help then?”
“Not really.”
“Okay. So the thing is, I need you to help me change my housemate. Or change me out, whichever is easier.”
“Your current housemate?”
“Yoochun?” I ponder for a second. “Did Junsu get a housemate yet?”
“He did.” Heejun pauses, saying a bored ‘thank you’ to someone off the phone. “About ten seconds ago.”
“Damn.” I ponder again, harder. Fuck Yoochun is going to kill me. “Can you just put Yoochun with anyone available?”
Heejun talks with someone off the phone again. I wait.
“Okay. I can put him with this Jeong Yunho guy.”
“No!!!” I scream. No, no, no, that’s not how that works! “Don’t put him together with that guy!”
“Why?” Heejun’s voice hikes up a note. Just a slight, higher note. No more than a half-note, really.
“Put me together with him!”
“With Yoochun?”
“No! With Jeong Yunho!”
“You and Jeong Yunho?”
“Yes, me and Jeong Yunho!”
“What about Yoochun?”
“Find somebody else for him!”
“Uh, no more two rooms apartment available.”
Shit shit shit. I’m really going to be skinned alive. With dull knife Yoochun keeps in his manpurse. Oh my God.
“Hyung, pleaseeeeeeeeeeee?” I beg. When it comes to surviving Yoochun’s wrath, I’m not above begging. He’s so going to call me out for being a disloyal bitch.
But it’s Yunho. Jeong Yunho! I have a very plausible reason to be disloyal, right? Right?
I listen on as Heejun does things on his computer that I can’t see. I’m not superhuman, duhh.
Finally. “There’s only one studio apartment left.”
“Yeay! Book him in!”
“It’s expensive.”
“Uh.” I feel my brain yelling at me. It says, ‘you fucking stupid human shell! You’re so going to regret this!’ in a creepy, Yoochun-like voice. I close my eyes and chant my peace mantra inwardly. The brain gives up. “How much?”
“175, 000 won per week. Water, electric, and internet included.”
Fucking hell. That’s not expensive, that’s capitalism at its’ cruelest!
I think. Real fast. Shit. I still think. The only way Yoochun would agree to stay in that fucking exclusive studio apartment on his own is if I agree to pay some of it off. 10 percent? No way. He will ask for more, surely. No more than 20 percent hopefully. Fuck I’m screwed.
“Yoochun’s rich, so don’t worry.” Fuck I’m so, so screwed. “Just put him there and let Yunho stay with me.”
I hear him type on his age-old office computer.
“Done.”
I squeal happily. Yunho and I are going to be housemates! Weeeee!
“Have I ever told you I love you, hyung?”
“No.”
“Then I will tell you today. Heejunie-hyung, I love you!”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you at Auntie’s house next weekend, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks hyung! Again, I love youuuuuuuuuuuu!”
He hangs up on me. I don’t really mind, because he’s wonderful. My wonderful cousin, who works for the university in hostel management office and who just helped me in my most important life-changing moment since I was born.
Theory be damned, I’m going to rock housemate-ing with Yunho. Just imagine all the fun we would have, all the pillow fights and hoarse-y good mornings and sexy good nights. It is so worth the risk of getting bludgeoned to death by Yoochun!
I giggle, because I’m excited.
Aren’t you all?
So about this theory, because I know you guys want in on it. Since I’m feeling extremely generous right now, I will share my secret. Feel free to spread it around, just don’t forget to credit me when you do. You’re welcome, sweeties. Smooches.
So I have a theory. What is it exactly? Why do I believe in it more than I believe in God and religion? I can tell you that it’s very important (because I only believe in important things, of course) and it can be very complicated for your mind to process, so you have to be mentally prepared.
Ready? Mentally prepped?
Okay, here it goes.
The theory came to me one early Saturday morning in the middle of spring last year, as I was mixing diet-friendly sugar, flour and low-fat chocolate chip for my infamous Saturday cookies. It caught me off-guard, so off-guard that it made me drops my favorite red whisk.
I had never dropped my favorite red whisk before, so I knew right away that this had to be the defining moment of my life.
I dubbed the theory as The Bisco Theory - because calling it The Biscuit Theory didn’t sound as nice.
Unselfishly, I called my two BFFs and put us on a three-way conversation to discuss the theory. Well, I discussed it while those two idiots listened.
So about this theory. You guys prepared yeah? Good, good. Sit down, honey, and grab your seat. You might be blown away by my intelligence.
Basically, the theory claimed that no one in the universe, human or alien, can escape from falling in love when they are being pursued patiently and loved passionately by another, given that the process of patiently pursuing and passionately loving are done discreetly and inconspicuously. Love doesn’t come to those who wait; it comes to those who have the ninja skill to get it.
One will love when loved, to put it simply for the simple-minded people. You got to work for it to own it, for those who are just plain stupid.
Junsu was quiet, obviously made silent by the sheer genius of the theory. Yoochun cursed and told me to fuck off before hanging up. I didn’t take offense because I’ve always known Yoochun to be slightly jealous of me all the time.
“Jaejoong.” Junsu breathed out, sounding somewhat constipated. I conveniently chose to ignore the missing enthusiasm in his voice and focused instead on his sheer puzzlement.
“It is genius, isn’t it? My theory. Seriously, I couldn’t wait to tell you guys when it struck me because it’s just so true, you know. I bet no one can find any fault with it. I tried looking at it from other perspectives but it’s just so damn perfect. I couldn’t find one single loophole in which it wouldn’t work.” I said giddily, bending down to pick my fallen favorite red whisk. My poor baby. Coos.
I heard Junsu inhaled sharply. Well, I knew how my intelligence can overwhelm other people at times. Take Yoochun for example, he could never just accept that I was smarter than him and always resorted to plain insults and running away to delude himself of the fact. But I was an understanding person. Really. I never held grudges on anyone, ever.
No cookies for Yoochun this time, though.
“Jaejoong?”
“Yeap?”
“Are you sure…are you really okay? Did you drink any alcoholic beverage this morning? Maybe you’d want…to come over to my place? We can talk?” Junsu asked carefully, teetering over the edges of my sharp perception.
I frowned, confused yet perceiving bad vibes nonetheless. My sharp perception tickled and rang in alarm. “What for?”
I heard Junsu inhaled sharply for the second time. When he finally spoke, he was stuttering. “Well…you were…you know…the theory…err…”
I felt my brow twitching as my smile turned grim. If there was any other thing I believed more than my newly discovered theory it was my ability to detect other people’s disbelief and skepticism on what I did and said.
“You don’t believe in my theory, do you Kim Junsu?” I said menacingly. Junsu gulped.
“It’s not that I don’t believe in it-“
“You don’t.”
“But you see-“
I huffed like a bitch, cutting Junsu’s reply short.
“Now now there’s no need to get all worked up-“
“What? Oh my God I can’t believe you guys. Just. I can’t even.”
“Don’t jump into unnecessary conclusion.” Junsu sounded annoyed. I just got angrier.
“Unnecessary conclusions? Seriously Junsu?”
“Jae-“
“You’re just like Yoochun! Why can’t you two just be my supportive best friends when I need you guys to be?”
“Jaejoong please, don’t be so dramatic-“
“Oh now I’m being dramatic! What about you not being able to accept that my theory is plain genius?!”
“Why are you yelling?!”
“You’re yelling too!”
“That’s because you yelled first!”
“You made me yell at you, stupid face!”
“What?! So you’re going to start with the name-calling now, huh? Alright, we’re on sissy boy!”
“Sissy boy?!” I snorted, ripping my apron off in a dramatic show of anger. “What are you? Fucking ten years old?!”
“You jealous old wench?”
“You said I’m old?! You’re such a rotten asshole, Kim Junsu!! Wait till I get to you, I’ll settle this in the most inhumane way possible! I have a meat-mincer you know!”
“Why wait?! Why not settle it now since there’s already this crazy person who went around calling people at 5:30 on a weekend morning and rambled on about his theory without any consideration for people who need their beauty sleep?!” Junsu shouted. “And FYI, Kim Jaejoong, your theory is not a theory! It’s a fucking hypothetical situation that will never, ever happen to you!”
“You!” I gritted his teeth, mind struggling to form a smart comeback. I failed. I screamed. “You!!”
“Yes, me!!!” Junsu bit back, voice scaling higher. “When you’ve tested your theory, come back to me and I promise I will be on my knees begging you to fuck my rotten asshole, which I know you’ve been wanting to fuck since forever! Yoochun told me all about it in his sleep!”
I gasped, feeling both scandalized and humiliated as my face burned. In my mind, I was strangling Yoochun and stabbing his potty, booze-addicted mouth with my very sharp kitchen knife while Junsu watches and get traumatized for life.
“I do not want to fuck your unhygienic ass, so ewww, go away!” I retorted, finally finding my temporarily lost wittiness. I took my pen and scratched out Junsu’s name from my Saturday cookies list, all the while taking a large, calming breath. I exhaled.
“And I will test my theory, so be prepared to be on your knees to beg me for my forgiveness. And no cookies today for you, Junsu. You disappoint me.” I added.
“I’m glad I did.” Junsu bitterly said before hanging up. I growled and yelled murder at the phone because hell, I wanted to hang up on Junsu first!
--TBC
a/n: so yeah, it's out. my eyes burrrrrrrrnnnnnn omfg. i need to get off the comp. next update tomorrow, bbs. kissyfaces to all. :x