the bisco theory; chapter 3
the bisco theory; chapter 3
jaejoong ♥ yunho | bff!jaechunsu | bff!homin
AU | comedy | fluff | romance | chaptered
+3, 500 words
Summary: The story is about Kim Jaejoong, who meets Jeong Yunho on the first day of university. It’s love at first Hi, complete with electric-charged handshake and chest groping. Always the firm believer of Love Will Come To Those Who Slave For It, or what he dubbed as The Bisco Theory, he goes on a quest to make Yunho his, in spite of the fact that Yunho is definitely, and without a doubt, straight.
a/n: lol i know i said it's gonna be up tomorrow, but i'm finished with the editing and i just remember i have something to do tomorrow afternoon with my boyfriend so yeah, early update for you guys.
(don't take jae too seriously in this chapter yeah? he's so erratic, that one. his thought is just about everywhere!)
i promise i'll reply to all comments on last chapter and this tomorrow night or the day after (or after that :x). next update will be in two days, hopefully. ♥ smooches you all. the boys are my muse, but YOU guys are my inspiration. :,)
and now i'll go to sleep. good night.
[ tl;dr author's note][ prologue][ one][ two]
--
Chapter 3 - Jaejoong;
The first class on Monday morning each week is Basic Accountancy. I neither like nor hate the subject, because it’s not so hard and it does give all the necessary foundation for my future as businessmen but it’s so boring and there’s no hot guys in the lecture so you know I’m just making an excuse because I need to bitch. I look to my right and see Yoochun asleep, head on top crossed arms. Bawwww, boring. Next to him and one seat away from me, Junsu pretends to give a fuck about what the lecturer is saying, bobbing his head as if he’s absorbing all this useful knowledge and processing them all into his long-term memory box. I know he is just eying that oblivious lady’s butt.
Junsu fails at being a fag because he loves women and wants to fuck them. What fags want to fuck women? And shut up I can use the term ‘fag’ because I am one. Like if you’re an African American and you call your friend 'my nigga' and it’s absolutely cool because you guys are homies.
Don’t even think to go all political on me because I’ll flay your pale ass so hard you wish you weren’t born.
So back to Junsu and his failness. I think he fails at everything in life because he’s stupid. Poor stupid fail-y best friend. I still love him though, because he’s my stupid and my fail-y and my best friend.
“Junsu.” I reach over Yoochun’s head to poke my pen into his shoulder. He scrunches his nose and gives me a dirty look. He has eye-gunk in his left eye.
“What?”
“I want to bitch.” I say.
He snorts. “You’re a bitch.”
“Hey!” Some nobody in the row in front of us turns around and hushes all self-righteously. I flip the nobody off and tell him to mind his own fucking business or I’ll let my dog rape his dog. I hear the nobody gasps and turns to bitch about me to his nobody friend who gives me a nobody's variety of shitty eye. I ignore them and their nobodiness because I honestly don’t give nobody a damn.
“Junsuuuuuu…” I turn to fail BFF and whisper-whine. “…let’s bitch.”
“We’re in class, Jae! Later!” He whisper-yells back.
I whisper-moan back to him. “Nowwwwww!”
He whisper-grumbles. “What’s so important that you can’t wait till class’s over? And shit, don’t answer me ‘cause I’m not really asking there.”
I whisper-pout. Don’t ask me how I do it, I just do. I’m sexy, magical and I poop jellybeans. Yes, yes, you can worship me.
Just kidding. Not.
“It’s about Yunho. And I can’t wait ‘cause I might forget what I want to bitch about so I need you to listen to me now!”
I see Junsu sighing his defeat and putting down his pen and pushing his book slightly away to focus his attention on me. I grin happily. I win over his fake diligence!
“What did Yunho do this time?” he asks boredly. His enthusiasm fuels my excitement to story-tell and I bounce in my seat. A-ha. I’m being sarcastic, can’t you tell?
“Can’t you at least fake it?”
“Fake what?”
Your intelligence, your lack of fail, your pretty face, your non-smelliness, your amazingness, and yada yada yada yoda high on soda. The list goes on but I’ll settle for what is most important right now.
“Your curiosity over what I want to tell you! You’re just like Yoochun when it comes to reacting properly to my stories. And that means you don’t give appropriate reactions to them. I’m so disappointed.” I sigh all disappointedly. Junsu rolls his eyes all bitchily.
“Then why bother telling them to me?”
I gape at him because he’s being stupid. “Because who else can I tell them to?”
“You got, like, 2000 plus Twitter followers…so tweet to them, tweety bird!”
I huff. “But I’m lazy to type things down! It’s easier to talk and your ears are here so why can’t they listen to me talking?”
Junsu crosses his hands over his chest and juts his lips at Yoochun. “Yoochun’s ears are here too.”
“Yoochun? You mean this useless slob of bones and skin?” I wiggle my fingers over said slob’s sleeping head. “He’s practically dead and I don’t like talking to corpse!”
“I’m not dead…” Yoochun mumbles sleepily, swatting my hand away from his head. “…and stop whispering above my head, you cunts. Get educated or shut the fuck up, or better yet, do both. You guys sound like dung flies and it’s fucking irritating.”
Junsu and I look at each other in shock. Seconds pass as Yoochun moves to correct his sleeping posture before going back to sleeping. Junsu’s nostril flairs and I bite my lower lips.
Pppppbbbttt!
We both giggle. Hihi. Dung flies. That means Yoochun’s the dung because we’re dung flies and we hover over him. Hihihi. We’ve got a winning material to poke fun at him later on! We win over Yoochun’s sleepy mumble!
The lecturer knocks her knuckle on the whiteboard and glares at us. We clamp our mouths with our hands, nodding apology as if we mean it. She continues her rambling on the difference between example A and example B on the handout she gave us earlier and Junsu and I continue to talk soundlessly over her loud, booming voice.
“So…” I mouth over Yoochun’s dead body to Junsu. “…I think Yunho is gay.”
Junsu widens his eyes and it looks so, so funny but I can’t laugh at him because he’ll stop silent-talking to me and of course I don’t want that. “Why is that so?”
I smirk and wink all conspiratorially. “He stares at my body when I came out of the shower. And he blushes when I smile at him. And he gets all blubbery when I talk to him and he just oozes this very gay vibe with the knitted hot pink sweater he wears to class today!”
Junsu voicelessly laughs into his hand. “He wears knitted hot pink sweater to class?”
I join him in his voiceless mirth, my body shaking as I do. “Yes! And it looks confusingly horrible and hideously adorable on him!”
“Oh my God I can’t imagine! Those muscles, hot pink sweat…he’ll scare the flowers into the ground when he walks past them!”
“I know right! Just imagine all the poor eyes that had to feast on all his hot pink gloriousness! They would go blind for sure!”
“Yeay to all the optometrists in Korea!”
Our faces are red by the time we are through bitching about Yunho’s fugly hot pink sweater. Seriously, it’s hideous. Monstrously hideous, I do not kid you. Fashion industry would yell out ‘blasphemy!’ if anyone ever let anything resembling it on the runways. And that says something because fashion industry is full of fugly-looking people like Donatella Versace (oh God oh God I'll be your slave just for one of your fabulotastic sunglasses, Miss Versace) and Andre Kim (Papa Kim I still love you and your amazing awesomeness!). Someone should just burn the thing and pray that it wouldn’t come back to life like that scary horny doll with sewn off face that goes around killing people and raping women even when it was supposed to be dead after getting maimed by that destroyer machine and oh fuck now I’m scared.
I can hear Chucky laugh in my ears and a shudder goes up my spine.
Creepshit!
I stop laughing. Junsu looks at me and frowns.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Okay. I’m. I’m okay.” Just spooked by my own thought, but I don’t need to tell him that. That will make me sound stupid and fail-y and I don’t want to make Junsu happy when he knows I’m just like him.
Junsu narrows his eyes at me. “You’re so weird, Jaejoong.”
Yoochun suddenly stretches and nearly smack my face with his left hand.
“When was he not?” he comments sleepily, smirking at Junsu and patting my head consolingly. “Don’t worry, we love you still, Jaebus.”
I growl and punch his ribs. He doubles over in pain. Hah, take that!
Junsu looks at me in horror and holds up his hands. “Don’t punch me too!”
Heh, I’m such a terrorist, sans bombs and guns. I’m so hot.
“Kim Jaejoong, Park Yoochun, Kim Junsu! If you’re not going to listen or even pretend to listen to what I’m saying, the three of you can leave this lecture hall now and don’t even think of coming back until you realize you can’t afford to fail this course!” the lecturer, also known as Miss Lee Sooyeon barks at us, and we straighten up in our seats, sealing our mouths shut. Years and years of formal instructions and having to obey authorities make us such good authoriticized dolls.
…Dolls.
Fuck!
I hear Chucky laughs again. Stupid brain! And now I want to pee. Stupid scaredy penis!
The bunch of nobodies from before snigger in delights. I give them the evilest of evil eye and they cower in their seat, traumatize for life. If only I can piss on their nobody’s heads!
My conversation with Junsu on the topic of Yunho’s gayness was halted and only continues when we are all at our usual place at the local bar (I have yet to find a global bar around. If you know one, tell me and we can go global bar-ing together. Heh, I’m being all cute and witty aren’t I), nursing cheap beers and even cheaper soju.
Damn alcohol taste so gooooooooooooooood. I count the bottles on the tables. 5, 6…7? Those are just mine. Junsu doesn’t drink beer or soju because he’s such a light drinker he would snooze after a drop of alcohol. Loser. Yoochun drinks beer because he thinks he’s half American. Meh. Wannabes.
“Believe me, he’s gay!” I exclaim heatedly, oneshot-ing my glass of soju and pouring more in. Yoochun and Junsu snicker, disbelief written clearly in their unfazed expressions. I hate their stupid faces.
“Yeah, I can totally see that. He oozes gay-vibes. Ooooo. Sparkly ponies, glitter rainbows, dildos on moon.” Yoochun says unenthusiastically as Junsu continues to giggle. I really, really hate their stupid faces.
“What would you two know, you’re not his housemate and you didn’t talk to him…but I did! I know it, okay?” I glare at them both as best as I can through the colorful semi-darkness before continuing. “I know he’s a nice guy, he’s definitely gay and he’s already half in love with me!”
Junsu splutters his Coke all over the table. Ewww so unhygienic! “Wait- what was that last bit again?”
“He’s in love with me.” I say. My nose twitches and I look into my empty glass, feeling the many oneshots of soju from earlier sloshing in my tummy. I didn’t eat before coming here and fuck I feel sick. I look up at them and add. “At least half in love.”
Junsu looks at Yoochun and Yoochun looks at Junsu. Then they both laugh, this full-bellied laughter with no mercy whatsoever.
I fucking hate their stupid faces and I fucking feel sick and I fucking want to fucking kill someone and stop laughing already you fucking stupid faced best fucking friends!
The amount of ‘fucking’ in the previous sentence overwhelms my brain and now I feel fucking tired.
“Oh my pretty bunny, no one can blame you for being so delusional after nine bottles of soju…” Junsu chuckles, one hand wiping the tears from his eyes and the other patting my shoulder consolingly. I feel my pride get trodden upon and I rage. I rage!
I swat his hand away and growl. “Shut up, I’m not drunk!”
“Yeah, and Junsu is fat.” Yoochun adds.
“He is fat.” I reply.
“I’m not!” Junsu yells.
“Oh yeah, he is.” Yoochun nods.
“I’m not fat!” Junsu yells.
“He should really cut down on those Chocopies, you know.” I comment.
“Yeah, he should. And the Mars bars. God, who’s he kidding?” Yoochun adds to my comment.
“Can you guys not talk as if I’m not here? And this is not about-” Junsu yells.
“-Can you please shut up for a moment, Yoochun and I are discussing about your fatness. Hush.” I say, one hand pushing his face away.
He whacks my arm. “Don’t push me!”
“Who’s making that noise? Did you hear it Jaejoong? I think I heard something…” Yoochun says, eyes wide in horror. I imitate him and we both shriek and hug each other when Junsu shouts, “You guys are so mean!”
We continue shrieking as Junsu proclaims that he will never befriend us again, stands up and walks towards the back of the bar. Yoochun and I chuckle at his expense.
“He’ll come back.” Yoochun says after a few seconds, wiping the sweat beading above his upper lips. I shrug. It goes without saying - we would poke fun at Junsu, and Junsu would sulk for half an hour or so, and then he’ll come back to us, all nasty words forgiven and forgotten. Same goes when Junsu and I mock Yoochun, or when Yoochun and Junsu ego-bash me (which happened only twice because I’m just much more superior than they are). The 2 vs 1 routine never gets old, no matter how old we were. It was funny when we were 12, and it is still funny now when we are 21. It will probably still be funny when we are 121 too, if we ever live up to that age.
Mehhhh. I want to die early so I could bless Heaven (or Hell, I don’t discriminate) with my awesomeness.
That’s so funny. Blessing Hell. Hihi.
“So…” Yoochun starts, pouring a generous amount of my soju into his empty beer glass. Waaaa a thief! “…back to this Jeong Yunho.”
I forgive him instantly for his crime because he says the one name I want to hear right now.
“Yes, Jeong Yunho. Nice, sweet, gay Jeong Yunho....” I mutter dreamily, batting my eyelashes as if he’s in front of me and grabbing the soju bottle from Yoochun’s stealing hand. “…and he’s so in love with me.”
“Woah woah, first thing first, sweet bunny.” Yoochun warns, taking the bottle of soju away from my grasp. I frown at his hand. It’s mine!
“It’s mine!” I yell and claw to get to it. He slaps my hand away. It hurts!
“You don’t need to drink more, Jaejoong, it’s already your ninth bottle. You’re shitdrunk and you probably don’t know it but hell, it’s Wednesday night and we have classes tomorrow!” He shouts in my face, and I jerk back from his beer-stunk mouth. It’s the classic case of the pot calling the kettle black! The kettle is Asian so boo you, Mr. Lame-assed Pot!
“Boo you, Mr. Lame-assed Pot!”
“Yes I am Mr. Lame-assed Pot. So now...” Yoochun presses, inching closer to me and whispering into my cheeks. Oops, ears. “…Jeong Yunho.”
“Yes, Jeong Yunho.” I whisper back, sighing and smiling. What is it about this guy’s name that send butterflies flying in my stomach? But my stomach is full of acid and alcohol and oh my God those butterflies would drown and die if they continue to-
Fucking hell that fucking hurts!
I rub my head. Apparently, Yoochun had whacked the back of my head with the back of his hand while I was thinking of the safety of the butterflies in my stomach. Stupid bitch!
“We’ve established the main topic of this conversation to be Jeong Yunho, so don’t waste my time and spill your story before I regret ever asking you to!”
I glare and pout at him, but it seems like my glare and pout combo doesn’t work so well under the influence of alcohol because Yoochun doesn’t even blink an eye.
I sigh finally, parking my chin on my propped up knuckle. “Where can I even begin?”
Yoochun does not even bother to be discreet about the annoyed eye-rolling. I will kill him in his sleep oh yes I will. “What about how you know he’s nice.”
I bite my lower lips, suddenly feeling so shy, and so, so…abashed. I feel like a girl. “Doesn’t he look nice? He has those… nice-looking men face. Nice-looking men always have shy smiles and small faces, and he has those you know. He’s so polite too! He didn’t say anything when I sat on his bed, and he pretended not to look away when I stripped in front of him but I know he wanted to because I could feel him blush and I know he loves riding just like I love-“
“-Wait.” Yoochun holds up a hand as he stares at me. “You did what?”
I furrow my brows. “Riding.”
“Not that. Before that.”
I backtrack on my speech and really, it’s so hard to do that when your head is pounding like mine is. “I sat on his bed. What’s wrong with that?” I ask, getting annoyed.
Yoochun tsks like my mother used to do when I wear my sisters' high heels around the house. Shut up I was seven when I did that! Or eight. Nine. Twelve. It’s not important!
“Not that, you goat. You’ve sat on other people’s beds before. You are the notorious bed-sitter who sits on people’s beds even when they ask you not to. I mean the next thing you did. Did I hear you stripped for the guy?”
I grin, nodding happily. Now we’re talking. “I did! On our first day when we just moved into the rooms. But just my upper body though, I have my morals.”
“And he didn’t look away.” Yoochun adds to my delight.
“Yeah! But I know he wanted to! I felt his blush!” I say, relishing the memory of Yunho’s adorably blubberish self on that fated first day. I gulp another shot from the soju bottle I manage to steal from under Yoochun’s armpit. Eww, armpit soju. But I need to drink!
Uh-oh, my head feels funky.
Yoochun lifts a brow up and snatch the bottle away from me. Oy! “You felt his blush? How’s that even possible?”
I roll my eyes and reply, incredulous tone and all. His brain is so damn slow it angers me!
“The vibes? Hello?”
Yoochun takes a deep breath and exhales. Like more oxygen will make him smarter, pfft.
“Ooookay. He gave you ‘the vibes’, which I don’t even know existed before today. And from this you think he’s nice, and he’s gay, and he’s in love with you? Are we on the same page here, Jaejoong-ah?”
I shrug and feel my face getting so warm. All these double inspections on my thoughts are making me want to puke. And give me back my soju already, shitface! “Yes I do and he is and we are!”
Yoochun massages his head as if I gave him head pain and continues to blabber his stinking mouth off. “Of course you do! But really, Jaejoong, this is just-“
He stops short, his still stinking mouth agape. He’s staring at something behind me and I turn to follow his line of stare, and almost pee myself in my pants (my bladder is easily excitable) when I see Yunho, my lovely, lovely Yunho walks into the bar with his group of friends. He doesn’t see me yet I think, and I hope he does. Not.
I’m not sure whether to feel nervous or excited. I end up feeling both. I want to puke so, so bad oh my God my tummy hurtttttttttssssss.
“He’s here.” Yoochun announces. I turn to glare at him because like duhhh, I can totally see that he’s here without that unnecessary announcement.
Yoochun’s eyes glint in this really evil-looking glint that reminds me of murderous dolls. Fucking evil seeded Chucky has found his way into Yoochun’s soul and possesses his brain!
“Why don’t I go talk to him?” Yoochun says, happier than he should be because I’m going to fry his balls when I cut them off his body! I flail my arms and woahhhhhhhh I have ten arms!
Ten arms? Flail. Wiggle. I have ten arms. Hic. I have ten arms and I’m doing a tentacle dance because I fucking have ten arms!
Yoochun begins to stand and I frown, waving my ten tentacles at him. “Stop!”
“Stop? Why?” he asks me, smirking like the devil. I swear he’s not Yoochun and I feel so scared and I want to vomit on this satanic, repulsive body that looks like Yoochun but actually is Chucky, “Are you afraid if I go and talk to him, he will fall in love with me instead?”
I snort, and yuck I can taste vomit climbing up my throat. “Pffft like he would even look at your ugly face.”
Yoochun continues to smirk and it’s so nasty and I feel more scared and I want to pee. My tummy hurttttttttsssssss. Ommmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaa.
“Or perhaps you’re afraid that if I go and talk to him, I will ask him about the things you’ve told me…” Yoochun mutters, and I feel my tummy squeeze itself in retaliation, “…and he will say he’s not gay and he’s not half in love with you.”
Bleghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhasaskjdnskjabdksjfnsdptuih!
The world smells like puke. I hear Yoochun scream and I-
Buk.
“Jaejoong you fucking whore how dare you puke on me I will kill you argghhhhhh!!!"
--[TBC]
jaejoong ♥ yunho | bff!jaechunsu | bff!homin
AU | comedy | fluff | romance | chaptered
+3, 500 words
Summary: The story is about Kim Jaejoong, who meets Jeong Yunho on the first day of university. It’s love at first Hi, complete with electric-charged handshake and chest groping. Always the firm believer of Love Will Come To Those Who Slave For It, or what he dubbed as The Bisco Theory, he goes on a quest to make Yunho his, in spite of the fact that Yunho is definitely, and without a doubt, straight.
a/n: lol i know i said it's gonna be up tomorrow, but i'm finished with the editing and i just remember i have something to do tomorrow afternoon with my boyfriend so yeah, early update for you guys.
(don't take jae too seriously in this chapter yeah? he's so erratic, that one. his thought is just about everywhere!)
i promise i'll reply to all comments on last chapter and this tomorrow night or the day after (or after that :x). next update will be in two days, hopefully. ♥ smooches you all. the boys are my muse, but YOU guys are my inspiration. :,)
and now i'll go to sleep. good night.
[ tl;dr author's note][ prologue][ one][ two]
--
Chapter 3 - Jaejoong;
The first class on Monday morning each week is Basic Accountancy. I neither like nor hate the subject, because it’s not so hard and it does give all the necessary foundation for my future as businessmen but it’s so boring and there’s no hot guys in the lecture so you know I’m just making an excuse because I need to bitch. I look to my right and see Yoochun asleep, head on top crossed arms. Bawwww, boring. Next to him and one seat away from me, Junsu pretends to give a fuck about what the lecturer is saying, bobbing his head as if he’s absorbing all this useful knowledge and processing them all into his long-term memory box. I know he is just eying that oblivious lady’s butt.
Junsu fails at being a fag because he loves women and wants to fuck them. What fags want to fuck women? And shut up I can use the term ‘fag’ because I am one. Like if you’re an African American and you call your friend 'my nigga' and it’s absolutely cool because you guys are homies.
Don’t even think to go all political on me because I’ll flay your pale ass so hard you wish you weren’t born.
So back to Junsu and his failness. I think he fails at everything in life because he’s stupid. Poor stupid fail-y best friend. I still love him though, because he’s my stupid and my fail-y and my best friend.
“Junsu.” I reach over Yoochun’s head to poke my pen into his shoulder. He scrunches his nose and gives me a dirty look. He has eye-gunk in his left eye.
“What?”
“I want to bitch.” I say.
He snorts. “You’re a bitch.”
“Hey!” Some nobody in the row in front of us turns around and hushes all self-righteously. I flip the nobody off and tell him to mind his own fucking business or I’ll let my dog rape his dog. I hear the nobody gasps and turns to bitch about me to his nobody friend who gives me a nobody's variety of shitty eye. I ignore them and their nobodiness because I honestly don’t give nobody a damn.
“Junsuuuuuu…” I turn to fail BFF and whisper-whine. “…let’s bitch.”
“We’re in class, Jae! Later!” He whisper-yells back.
I whisper-moan back to him. “Nowwwwww!”
He whisper-grumbles. “What’s so important that you can’t wait till class’s over? And shit, don’t answer me ‘cause I’m not really asking there.”
I whisper-pout. Don’t ask me how I do it, I just do. I’m sexy, magical and I poop jellybeans. Yes, yes, you can worship me.
Just kidding. Not.
“It’s about Yunho. And I can’t wait ‘cause I might forget what I want to bitch about so I need you to listen to me now!”
I see Junsu sighing his defeat and putting down his pen and pushing his book slightly away to focus his attention on me. I grin happily. I win over his fake diligence!
“What did Yunho do this time?” he asks boredly. His enthusiasm fuels my excitement to story-tell and I bounce in my seat. A-ha. I’m being sarcastic, can’t you tell?
“Can’t you at least fake it?”
“Fake what?”
Your intelligence, your lack of fail, your pretty face, your non-smelliness, your amazingness, and yada yada yada yoda high on soda. The list goes on but I’ll settle for what is most important right now.
“Your curiosity over what I want to tell you! You’re just like Yoochun when it comes to reacting properly to my stories. And that means you don’t give appropriate reactions to them. I’m so disappointed.” I sigh all disappointedly. Junsu rolls his eyes all bitchily.
“Then why bother telling them to me?”
I gape at him because he’s being stupid. “Because who else can I tell them to?”
“You got, like, 2000 plus Twitter followers…so tweet to them, tweety bird!”
I huff. “But I’m lazy to type things down! It’s easier to talk and your ears are here so why can’t they listen to me talking?”
Junsu crosses his hands over his chest and juts his lips at Yoochun. “Yoochun’s ears are here too.”
“Yoochun? You mean this useless slob of bones and skin?” I wiggle my fingers over said slob’s sleeping head. “He’s practically dead and I don’t like talking to corpse!”
“I’m not dead…” Yoochun mumbles sleepily, swatting my hand away from his head. “…and stop whispering above my head, you cunts. Get educated or shut the fuck up, or better yet, do both. You guys sound like dung flies and it’s fucking irritating.”
Junsu and I look at each other in shock. Seconds pass as Yoochun moves to correct his sleeping posture before going back to sleeping. Junsu’s nostril flairs and I bite my lower lips.
Pppppbbbttt!
We both giggle. Hihi. Dung flies. That means Yoochun’s the dung because we’re dung flies and we hover over him. Hihihi. We’ve got a winning material to poke fun at him later on! We win over Yoochun’s sleepy mumble!
The lecturer knocks her knuckle on the whiteboard and glares at us. We clamp our mouths with our hands, nodding apology as if we mean it. She continues her rambling on the difference between example A and example B on the handout she gave us earlier and Junsu and I continue to talk soundlessly over her loud, booming voice.
“So…” I mouth over Yoochun’s dead body to Junsu. “…I think Yunho is gay.”
Junsu widens his eyes and it looks so, so funny but I can’t laugh at him because he’ll stop silent-talking to me and of course I don’t want that. “Why is that so?”
I smirk and wink all conspiratorially. “He stares at my body when I came out of the shower. And he blushes when I smile at him. And he gets all blubbery when I talk to him and he just oozes this very gay vibe with the knitted hot pink sweater he wears to class today!”
Junsu voicelessly laughs into his hand. “He wears knitted hot pink sweater to class?”
I join him in his voiceless mirth, my body shaking as I do. “Yes! And it looks confusingly horrible and hideously adorable on him!”
“Oh my God I can’t imagine! Those muscles, hot pink sweat…he’ll scare the flowers into the ground when he walks past them!”
“I know right! Just imagine all the poor eyes that had to feast on all his hot pink gloriousness! They would go blind for sure!”
“Yeay to all the optometrists in Korea!”
Our faces are red by the time we are through bitching about Yunho’s fugly hot pink sweater. Seriously, it’s hideous. Monstrously hideous, I do not kid you. Fashion industry would yell out ‘blasphemy!’ if anyone ever let anything resembling it on the runways. And that says something because fashion industry is full of fugly-looking people like Donatella Versace (oh God oh God I'll be your slave just for one of your fabulotastic sunglasses, Miss Versace) and Andre Kim (Papa Kim I still love you and your amazing awesomeness!). Someone should just burn the thing and pray that it wouldn’t come back to life like that scary horny doll with sewn off face that goes around killing people and raping women even when it was supposed to be dead after getting maimed by that destroyer machine and oh fuck now I’m scared.
I can hear Chucky laugh in my ears and a shudder goes up my spine.
Creepshit!
I stop laughing. Junsu looks at me and frowns.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Okay. I’m. I’m okay.” Just spooked by my own thought, but I don’t need to tell him that. That will make me sound stupid and fail-y and I don’t want to make Junsu happy when he knows I’m just like him.
Junsu narrows his eyes at me. “You’re so weird, Jaejoong.”
Yoochun suddenly stretches and nearly smack my face with his left hand.
“When was he not?” he comments sleepily, smirking at Junsu and patting my head consolingly. “Don’t worry, we love you still, Jaebus.”
I growl and punch his ribs. He doubles over in pain. Hah, take that!
Junsu looks at me in horror and holds up his hands. “Don’t punch me too!”
Heh, I’m such a terrorist, sans bombs and guns. I’m so hot.
“Kim Jaejoong, Park Yoochun, Kim Junsu! If you’re not going to listen or even pretend to listen to what I’m saying, the three of you can leave this lecture hall now and don’t even think of coming back until you realize you can’t afford to fail this course!” the lecturer, also known as Miss Lee Sooyeon barks at us, and we straighten up in our seats, sealing our mouths shut. Years and years of formal instructions and having to obey authorities make us such good authoriticized dolls.
…Dolls.
Fuck!
I hear Chucky laughs again. Stupid brain! And now I want to pee. Stupid scaredy penis!
The bunch of nobodies from before snigger in delights. I give them the evilest of evil eye and they cower in their seat, traumatize for life. If only I can piss on their nobody’s heads!
My conversation with Junsu on the topic of Yunho’s gayness was halted and only continues when we are all at our usual place at the local bar (I have yet to find a global bar around. If you know one, tell me and we can go global bar-ing together. Heh, I’m being all cute and witty aren’t I), nursing cheap beers and even cheaper soju.
Damn alcohol taste so gooooooooooooooood. I count the bottles on the tables. 5, 6…7? Those are just mine. Junsu doesn’t drink beer or soju because he’s such a light drinker he would snooze after a drop of alcohol. Loser. Yoochun drinks beer because he thinks he’s half American. Meh. Wannabes.
“Believe me, he’s gay!” I exclaim heatedly, oneshot-ing my glass of soju and pouring more in. Yoochun and Junsu snicker, disbelief written clearly in their unfazed expressions. I hate their stupid faces.
“Yeah, I can totally see that. He oozes gay-vibes. Ooooo. Sparkly ponies, glitter rainbows, dildos on moon.” Yoochun says unenthusiastically as Junsu continues to giggle. I really, really hate their stupid faces.
“What would you two know, you’re not his housemate and you didn’t talk to him…but I did! I know it, okay?” I glare at them both as best as I can through the colorful semi-darkness before continuing. “I know he’s a nice guy, he’s definitely gay and he’s already half in love with me!”
Junsu splutters his Coke all over the table. Ewww so unhygienic! “Wait- what was that last bit again?”
“He’s in love with me.” I say. My nose twitches and I look into my empty glass, feeling the many oneshots of soju from earlier sloshing in my tummy. I didn’t eat before coming here and fuck I feel sick. I look up at them and add. “At least half in love.”
Junsu looks at Yoochun and Yoochun looks at Junsu. Then they both laugh, this full-bellied laughter with no mercy whatsoever.
I fucking hate their stupid faces and I fucking feel sick and I fucking want to fucking kill someone and stop laughing already you fucking stupid faced best fucking friends!
The amount of ‘fucking’ in the previous sentence overwhelms my brain and now I feel fucking tired.
“Oh my pretty bunny, no one can blame you for being so delusional after nine bottles of soju…” Junsu chuckles, one hand wiping the tears from his eyes and the other patting my shoulder consolingly. I feel my pride get trodden upon and I rage. I rage!
I swat his hand away and growl. “Shut up, I’m not drunk!”
“Yeah, and Junsu is fat.” Yoochun adds.
“He is fat.” I reply.
“I’m not!” Junsu yells.
“Oh yeah, he is.” Yoochun nods.
“I’m not fat!” Junsu yells.
“He should really cut down on those Chocopies, you know.” I comment.
“Yeah, he should. And the Mars bars. God, who’s he kidding?” Yoochun adds to my comment.
“Can you guys not talk as if I’m not here? And this is not about-” Junsu yells.
“-Can you please shut up for a moment, Yoochun and I are discussing about your fatness. Hush.” I say, one hand pushing his face away.
He whacks my arm. “Don’t push me!”
“Who’s making that noise? Did you hear it Jaejoong? I think I heard something…” Yoochun says, eyes wide in horror. I imitate him and we both shriek and hug each other when Junsu shouts, “You guys are so mean!”
We continue shrieking as Junsu proclaims that he will never befriend us again, stands up and walks towards the back of the bar. Yoochun and I chuckle at his expense.
“He’ll come back.” Yoochun says after a few seconds, wiping the sweat beading above his upper lips. I shrug. It goes without saying - we would poke fun at Junsu, and Junsu would sulk for half an hour or so, and then he’ll come back to us, all nasty words forgiven and forgotten. Same goes when Junsu and I mock Yoochun, or when Yoochun and Junsu ego-bash me (which happened only twice because I’m just much more superior than they are). The 2 vs 1 routine never gets old, no matter how old we were. It was funny when we were 12, and it is still funny now when we are 21. It will probably still be funny when we are 121 too, if we ever live up to that age.
Mehhhh. I want to die early so I could bless Heaven (or Hell, I don’t discriminate) with my awesomeness.
That’s so funny. Blessing Hell. Hihi.
“So…” Yoochun starts, pouring a generous amount of my soju into his empty beer glass. Waaaa a thief! “…back to this Jeong Yunho.”
I forgive him instantly for his crime because he says the one name I want to hear right now.
“Yes, Jeong Yunho. Nice, sweet, gay Jeong Yunho....” I mutter dreamily, batting my eyelashes as if he’s in front of me and grabbing the soju bottle from Yoochun’s stealing hand. “…and he’s so in love with me.”
“Woah woah, first thing first, sweet bunny.” Yoochun warns, taking the bottle of soju away from my grasp. I frown at his hand. It’s mine!
“It’s mine!” I yell and claw to get to it. He slaps my hand away. It hurts!
“You don’t need to drink more, Jaejoong, it’s already your ninth bottle. You’re shitdrunk and you probably don’t know it but hell, it’s Wednesday night and we have classes tomorrow!” He shouts in my face, and I jerk back from his beer-stunk mouth. It’s the classic case of the pot calling the kettle black! The kettle is Asian so boo you, Mr. Lame-assed Pot!
“Boo you, Mr. Lame-assed Pot!”
“Yes I am Mr. Lame-assed Pot. So now...” Yoochun presses, inching closer to me and whispering into my cheeks. Oops, ears. “…Jeong Yunho.”
“Yes, Jeong Yunho.” I whisper back, sighing and smiling. What is it about this guy’s name that send butterflies flying in my stomach? But my stomach is full of acid and alcohol and oh my God those butterflies would drown and die if they continue to-
Fucking hell that fucking hurts!
I rub my head. Apparently, Yoochun had whacked the back of my head with the back of his hand while I was thinking of the safety of the butterflies in my stomach. Stupid bitch!
“We’ve established the main topic of this conversation to be Jeong Yunho, so don’t waste my time and spill your story before I regret ever asking you to!”
I glare and pout at him, but it seems like my glare and pout combo doesn’t work so well under the influence of alcohol because Yoochun doesn’t even blink an eye.
I sigh finally, parking my chin on my propped up knuckle. “Where can I even begin?”
Yoochun does not even bother to be discreet about the annoyed eye-rolling. I will kill him in his sleep oh yes I will. “What about how you know he’s nice.”
I bite my lower lips, suddenly feeling so shy, and so, so…abashed. I feel like a girl. “Doesn’t he look nice? He has those… nice-looking men face. Nice-looking men always have shy smiles and small faces, and he has those you know. He’s so polite too! He didn’t say anything when I sat on his bed, and he pretended not to look away when I stripped in front of him but I know he wanted to because I could feel him blush and I know he loves riding just like I love-“
“-Wait.” Yoochun holds up a hand as he stares at me. “You did what?”
I furrow my brows. “Riding.”
“Not that. Before that.”
I backtrack on my speech and really, it’s so hard to do that when your head is pounding like mine is. “I sat on his bed. What’s wrong with that?” I ask, getting annoyed.
Yoochun tsks like my mother used to do when I wear my sisters' high heels around the house. Shut up I was seven when I did that! Or eight. Nine. Twelve. It’s not important!
“Not that, you goat. You’ve sat on other people’s beds before. You are the notorious bed-sitter who sits on people’s beds even when they ask you not to. I mean the next thing you did. Did I hear you stripped for the guy?”
I grin, nodding happily. Now we’re talking. “I did! On our first day when we just moved into the rooms. But just my upper body though, I have my morals.”
“And he didn’t look away.” Yoochun adds to my delight.
“Yeah! But I know he wanted to! I felt his blush!” I say, relishing the memory of Yunho’s adorably blubberish self on that fated first day. I gulp another shot from the soju bottle I manage to steal from under Yoochun’s armpit. Eww, armpit soju. But I need to drink!
Uh-oh, my head feels funky.
Yoochun lifts a brow up and snatch the bottle away from me. Oy! “You felt his blush? How’s that even possible?”
I roll my eyes and reply, incredulous tone and all. His brain is so damn slow it angers me!
“The vibes? Hello?”
Yoochun takes a deep breath and exhales. Like more oxygen will make him smarter, pfft.
“Ooookay. He gave you ‘the vibes’, which I don’t even know existed before today. And from this you think he’s nice, and he’s gay, and he’s in love with you? Are we on the same page here, Jaejoong-ah?”
I shrug and feel my face getting so warm. All these double inspections on my thoughts are making me want to puke. And give me back my soju already, shitface! “Yes I do and he is and we are!”
Yoochun massages his head as if I gave him head pain and continues to blabber his stinking mouth off. “Of course you do! But really, Jaejoong, this is just-“
He stops short, his still stinking mouth agape. He’s staring at something behind me and I turn to follow his line of stare, and almost pee myself in my pants (my bladder is easily excitable) when I see Yunho, my lovely, lovely Yunho walks into the bar with his group of friends. He doesn’t see me yet I think, and I hope he does. Not.
I’m not sure whether to feel nervous or excited. I end up feeling both. I want to puke so, so bad oh my God my tummy hurtttttttttssssss.
“He’s here.” Yoochun announces. I turn to glare at him because like duhhh, I can totally see that he’s here without that unnecessary announcement.
Yoochun’s eyes glint in this really evil-looking glint that reminds me of murderous dolls. Fucking evil seeded Chucky has found his way into Yoochun’s soul and possesses his brain!
“Why don’t I go talk to him?” Yoochun says, happier than he should be because I’m going to fry his balls when I cut them off his body! I flail my arms and woahhhhhhhh I have ten arms!
Ten arms? Flail. Wiggle. I have ten arms. Hic. I have ten arms and I’m doing a tentacle dance because I fucking have ten arms!
Yoochun begins to stand and I frown, waving my ten tentacles at him. “Stop!”
“Stop? Why?” he asks me, smirking like the devil. I swear he’s not Yoochun and I feel so scared and I want to vomit on this satanic, repulsive body that looks like Yoochun but actually is Chucky, “Are you afraid if I go and talk to him, he will fall in love with me instead?”
I snort, and yuck I can taste vomit climbing up my throat. “Pffft like he would even look at your ugly face.”
Yoochun continues to smirk and it’s so nasty and I feel more scared and I want to pee. My tummy hurttttttttsssssss. Ommmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaa.
“Or perhaps you’re afraid that if I go and talk to him, I will ask him about the things you’ve told me…” Yoochun mutters, and I feel my tummy squeeze itself in retaliation, “…and he will say he’s not gay and he’s not half in love with you.”
Bleghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhasaskjdnskjabdksjfnsdptuih!
The world smells like puke. I hear Yoochun scream and I-
Buk.
“Jaejoong you fucking whore how dare you puke on me I will kill you argghhhhhh!!!"
--[TBC]