FIC: Maybe Definitely, YanaKiri, NC17, 4/7
Title: Maybe Definitely (4/7)
Author: Ociwen
Wordcount: Long
Rating: NC17 overall
Disclaimer: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series, including ShinTenipuri.
Warning: Girl parts, and then some. Crude humour. Misogyny. The usual.
Summary: Renji wakes up as a girl.
Author's Notes: This is a one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa, Accidentally All Right, Push/Pull, and Big Brother. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together.
[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7]
If you like/love/loathe, please leave a comment to let me know.
He's different. Over the past two months, he's changed and Renji isn't sure of why. Maybe it was becoming tennis club captain. Maybe it was having his heart broken. Maybe it was another thing all together.
Kirihara swaggers down the halls of school. He smirks more, and he lifts his chin higher. He holds Renji's hand on the street (but not near school). Renji sweats bullets and leads them down empty alleys. Kirihara kisses him there, like he doesn't care.
He laughs at Marui's jokes-the ones about pussy and tits and girls. He gets them now. And he tells some of his own that, sometimes, Marui doesn't get. Kirihara looks at Renji over his bento box. His eyes are so dark that Renji has to look away. And he thinks about how hard Kirihara will fuck him when they're alone, after school, in the clubhouse.
Kirihara has the clubhouse keys now, too.
He starts to eat lunch with them again. Renji steals Kirihara's avocado rolls, and his cinnamon almond agipan too. He offers Kirihara his milk. It tastes like chalk now. Renji doesn’t remember milk tasting like that before.
"Ne, Akaya," Jackal says. He points at Kirihara with his chopsticks. Sanada twitches. "Where'd you get that funny bruise on your neck?"
Kirihara touches his neck. He turns red.
"Is there something you're not telling us?" Marui asks. He waggles his eyebrows.
Kirihara shakes his head. "No!" His voice squeaks. "No, nothing!"
Renji wipes almond flakes from his pants. "We have your English test to worry about after practice," he says.
He plays a round of tennis with Yukimura. Sanada has a Public Morals Committee meeting. Yukimura serves hard and takes points. Renji volleys. He lobs Yukimura's balls. Yukimura says he's not that dumb. He doesn't smash. He doesn't bother with low shots, either. He hits long, hard balls to the baseline. Renji runs back and forth, panting. Yukimura hardly moves from the spot.
"Your form is terrible," he says.
Renji shrugs.
Kirihara locks up for the night. He presses Renji up against a row of lockers. Renji spreads his legs. Kirihara groans. "You're heavy," he says. He bites Renji's ear. Renji digs his hands into Kirihara's balls. He yelps.
"You can't do it," Renji says. He bites Kirihara's neck. "Jackal will notice that, too."
Kirihara growls. He pushes Renji hard. He unzips his fly. Renji shudders when Kirihara slides inside. He squeezes his legs tighter. His back bangs into the lockers.
There is a loud clank.
Jackal stands in the doorway. A set of keys are at his feet. He raises his hands.
Kirihara stops thrusting. Renji's insides shrivel up.
Jackal backs up. "I didn't. see. anything." He picks up the keys, and leaves.
Kirihara makes a funny noise. "Uh…"
Renji bites his lip. He digs his hands into Kirihara's hair. He pushes his hips forward. "Well, don't stop," he says.
Kirihara pushes deep.
***
In home ec, Renji says, "Jackal."
Jackal sticks his hands in his ears. The sparkly studs are new. "La la la I know NOTHING!" he says. "My brain is not burned at all!"
Marui slides an arm over Renji's shoulder. "Did you know…" He pauses to pop a bubble. "…that, like, the other day, Sanada saw Niou and Yagyuu doing it in the tennis shed? And they were standing up!"
Renji blinks. Jackal drops the bag of flour onto the floor. Their shoes are still dusted white at lunch.
***
There is no eureka. There is no one moment. It gradually dawns upon him. He wakes up, like every morning, and has to pee. But he has to pee more. He has to pee before tennis practice, and then again in physics class. Renji wonders, What if…?
There are some mornings-and an evening, too-where he stays in bed extra long. He clutches his sides. His stomach churns a hundred directions. Bile rises in his throat. He almost heaves into his rubbish bin, but he never quite needs to. He lies on his back. His hands drift over his stomach. He sighs.
His breasts hurt. He rubs them in the bath. He rubs them under his pajamas. He rubs his palms over them as Kirihara lies next to him, naked and warm and asleep. Kirihara burrows his face in Renji's armpit. Renji combs his fingers through Kirihara's hair. It's soft and damp and a mess. He thinks of what it would be like to hold a smaller Kirihara to his chest, and his entire body aches so much for it. He bites his lip on moan.
Kirihara shifts his leg. He murmurs, "Hn?"
Renji trails his fingers over Kirihara's back. "It's nothing," he says.
Kirihara kisses him slowly. He breathes those three words onto Renji's lips. Renji closes his eyes and says he knows.
***
Across from the train station, there's a Matsumoto Kiyoshi branch. Shampoo and green tea bottles explode onto the street, along with stacks of boxed soap and toilet paper. Renji hunches his shoulders. He's still a foot taller than any of the girls in the tampon aisle. He shuffles to the back, and shifts his eyes.
He side-steps four feet. The cash register is too close. His heart pounds. His pulse races. He looks left. One of the girls takes a tampon box to the counter. Renji grabs the box from the shelf, and stuffs it into his pocket. He looks left again.
Then he relaxes his shoulders. He picks up a package of Lotte gum, and sets it on the counter. "Just this," he says.
At home he locks himself in the toilet room with a tennis magazine. He can't read a single character. He checks the time on his cellphone. He counts the minutes backward. Sanada would say, "The greatest fault in war is hesitation." Yukimura would say, "The greatest fault in tennis is hesitation."
Renji grabs the stick and looks down. There are two stripes.
His body prickles all over.
***
He can't say anything to Jackal.
He won't say anything to Niou.
He shouldn't say anything to Sanada.
Sadaharu wouldn't understand.
He spends Saturday on the third floor of the book shop, in the biology section. Renji stares at the pictures in the books. He blanches. His eyes drift to the maternity section. He goes to the magazines instead. All the covers look the same. His stomach growls, but he wants to puke.
"Renji."
Renji stiffens. Sanada has a plastic bag from the store. "I emailed and you didn't answer."
Renji shrugs. Sanada frowns. They sit in Starbucks, at the back by the toilets. Sanada blows on the steam from his hot chocolate. Renji nurses a matcha latte, and two slices of cake. He offers Sanada a piece. Sanada hesitates.
Renji raises his eyebrows. He pushes the cake closer to Sanada.
"Do you ever think you'll have kids with Yukimura?"
Hot chocolate sprays across the table. Sanada is a shade of purple. Renji offers a napkin.
"Not now," Renji says. "But…later."
"That would be-"
"Biologically possible now."
Sanada closes his mouth. He shakes his head. He plays with his cap brim. "Tarundoru. Don't ask stuff like that."
"But do you?"
"If Yukimura…" Sanada takes a deep breath. His nostrils flare. His chest rises. "Renji," he says.
"Yes?"
Sanada kicks him under the table. "Stop taking so much data."
***
Nobody ever uses the eighth floor men's toilets in the department store across from the shopping arcade.
Renji buries his face inside his scarf. But he can still hear the echoes of his crying.
***
He goes to the local shrine. The gravel crunches under his trainers. He blows on his hands. His breath hangs in the air.
He rings the bell, and claps, and bows his head. "What do I do?" he whispers. The smell of incense clings to his uniform. The gilded deity sits, expressionless. Renji throws a 50 yen coin into the box. He lights a stick of incense, and breathes it in.
Candle light bounces off the gold. The wooden floor creaks. A monk has started to chant a sutra in an adjoining building. Renji closes his eyes. The words curve and coil with the smoke.
He leaves through the back gate, under a red torii. Small jizo line the path. They're covered in moss, and crumbling with age. Renji tosses a coin into the lap of one.
"Psst."
He blinks. He looks over his shoulder. The pines are still.
"Down here."
Renji looks down. The jizo sits with coins covering his lap, smiling.
***
Kirihara kisses his neck. He touches Renji's cheek. He presses another kiss to Renji's chin.
"Senpai?"
Renji looks down at him. Kirihara looks up. Hair curls around his face. He doesn't look away.
"Are you all right?"
Renji takes Kirihara's hand, and slides it under his shirt.
***
Jackal breaks up with his girlfriend after two weeks.
"She was just too…"
"Demanding?" Marui offers. He holds out his shrimp chip bag. Jackal takes a handful.
"She wanted to talk about feelings all the time," Jackal says. "And do each other's hair. I just wanted something more."
"Like hot, heavy lesbian petting?" Marui asks.
Jackal ignores him. "I just couldn't handle all the mind games. She took my favourite hair clip, too." He runs his hands through his hair. It’s almost a couple inches long.
"Maybe she wasn't a real lesbian," Marui says.
"Maybe," Jackal says. "Or maybe I'm not."
"Maybe you like dick?" Marui offers his shrimp chips again. He smiles.
"You're a prick," Jackal says. He takes the whole bag.
"At least Yukimura doesn't talk to you like that," Renji tells Sanada. Sanada sits up in Yukimura's lap. He mumbles something that sounds like yes.
"Oi!" Marui shouts. "Give those back!"
Jackal shakes his head. "I'm PMSing and I have a salt craving."
Marui takes a wide step back. He has his hands up. "Way, way TMI, Jackal."
Yukimura's eyes go wide. He inches back from Sanada, like a crab.
Kirihara shifts his eyes. Renji looks away.
***
Renji runs his tongue over the underside of Kirihara's dick.
"I like dick," he murmurs.
Kirihara comes.
***
A week before Christmas, Kirihara asks where Renji wants to go, like, on a date. They're sitting on Kirihara's bedroom floor. Kirihara is draped over Renji's lap. Homework is strewed across a low folding table. Renji doesn't have a shirt on.
He wants to say Kamakura, or maybe the palace gardens in Tokyo. Instead, he says, "The gardens by the harbour." It's cheaper.
He bombs his math test two days before Christmas Eve. Renji stuffs the test into his garbage bin. His face burns, but in the long run, it won't matter. He signed the form for the technical stream of high school. All it needs is his parents' hanko stamp.
Christmas Eve falls on Friday this year. Renji sits on the rooftop at lunch. The smell of the cafeteria makes his stomach turn. He eats three packages of matcha chocolates and a bag and a box and a half of salad-flavoured Jagariko. In gym class, he pukes it all up in a squat toilet.
Kirihara has tennis practice, so Renji walks home alone. He calls Sanada. "What are you doing tonight?"
There is a pause. Then a muffled voice, and Sanada whispering that it's Renji. Sanada says, "…Yukimura and I are going out for ramen."
"Oh," Renji says. He hangs up. Flakes of snow try to land on Renji's wool coat. They dissolve on impact.
He calls Sadaharu. "What are you doing tonight?"
Sadaharu sucks in a breath. "Renji, the percent chance of me feeling the same way-"
"-remains ninety five."
"…yes."
Renji hangs up.
Kirihara phones. He's out of breath and his words run together, a mile a minute.
"WecanmeetatMotomachiexitfouratseven. Isthatokay?"
Renji swallows.
***
His sister gives him a funny look when he puts his shoes on.
"I'm going to the bookstore," Renji says.
She nods slowly. "So am I."
Their mom tells them to have a good night. His sister shuts the front door behind them. At the front gate, she narrows his eyes.
"You don't tell, I don't tell."
Renji nods.
A scooter shows up. The engine revs. Izumi jumps on the back, and clings to a man in a leather jacket. Renji pulls his cellphone out to snap a photo.
He's five minutes early at the station exit. People flood through the automated gates. Couples are everywhere. A man helps a woman carry a stroller up the exit steps. Renji watches them.
"Senpai!" Kirihara waves his arms. His scarf dangles down his back. They walk outside, and across the street. Renji stuffs his hands deep into his pockets. Freeters flock the exit with pamphlets for half-price date meals and hair salon ads. The trees lining the street are studded with lights. Christmas music floats out from shops and restaurants.
"Um…" Kirihara tugs his arm. "Do you wanna, uh, get some crepes? Or parfaits?"
Renji shakes his head. He avoids looking at Kirihara. "Maybe later," he says.
Kirihara smiles, but his voice is flat. "Okay."
There's a park behind a temple, not too far from the private hospital. "Too bad my parents are home," Kirihara says. He laughs. Renji doesn't. A frosted sigh puffs in the air.
The park is dark, and quiet. Renji sits on a bench. His butt is cold. Kirihara sits beside him. He reaches for Renji's shoulders. Renji leans away. The lump in his throat is so big, it could explode. Renji can't feel his fingers, either.
Kirihara wrings his mittens together. He swings his feet. Renji closes his eyes. "Akaya," he says.
Kirihara pulls Renji by the arm to face him. Renji takes a deep breath. He practiced the words a hundred times in his head.
He says them.
"I'm pregnant" shatters the brittle cold. Renji bows his head.
"I'm 100% certain," he says. Kirihara jumps off the bench. Renji starts to cry. Moonlight gleams on the crystallized tears on the collar of his coat.
Kirihara balls his mittens into fists. He purses his lips, and takes a deep breath. Then he snaps his body into a bow. He shouts, "I promise to do MY BEST!"
Renji pulls him up. "Don't," he mouths. "Akaya." Kirihara wipes his eyes with a package of Kleenex. He holds it out. Renji sniffles.
They go for crepes in a café overlooking the main street. Their knees tangle under the table. Renji checks three times, but there's no one from school here.
"How do you know?" Kirihara asks. He shakes his head. "We're just-we can't. We're not old enough!" He stirs his parfait into a pulp.
Renji eats the French toast off the top of his parfait. "You know how they're made," he says.
Kirihara rolls his eyes. "I'm not stupid, senpai. I know all about the tadpoles that live in your jizz and stick to a girl's insides."
Renji starts to laugh. Kirihara scratches the back of his head. "It's true. I learned it last year in Sex Ed class. But…" He licks his spoon. Renji eats the last of his cream layer.
"We're just kids."
***
Kirihara asks him for extra newspapers. Renji asks if he's getting a pet guinea pig, or maybe a gerbil.
Kirihara shifts his eyes. Renji pinches his bum. "No," Kirihara says.
Renji tries to kiss him. He slings his leg over Kirihara's lap. Kirihara crawls backwards into his closet. "Akaya," Renji says.
"My parents are gonna be home soon," Kirihara says.
Renji rocks his hips. He can feel Kirihara's erection. "Akaya," he says, again.
Kirihara shakes his head.
***
They're supposed to go out for ramen on the last night before school starts. Renji is on the train. His cellphone vibrates. soree I hav homework
Renji gets off at the next stop. He walks to the other side of the platform, and takes a train right back home. Ads flutter overhead, for the Dinosaur exhibition at a museum in Chiba, for hanami in March, for women's clinics. Renji crosses his arms over his stomach. He repeats the address in his head. As soon as he steps off the train, he types an email on his cell, and sends it to himself.
***
Kirihara falls asleep in his lunch. Marui threatens to prop his eyes open with chopsticks. Niou just laughs at the sauce dripping from his hair. Renji offers a handkerchief.
"Don't study too hard," Yukimura tells him.
Kirihara nods. His eyes droop.
Renji hangs around the tennis courts after school finishes. Urayama Shiita has a megaphone, and a stopwatch hanging from a lanyard. There is no sign of Kirihara.
"Where is Akaya?" Renji asks. Something moves inside. He freezes. Urayama says something. There's another tiny sensation. It feels like a gas bubble. Renji closes his eyes.
"Yanagi-senpai?" Urayama asks.
Renji tells him to have a good night. "Don't forget ankle stretches before the reverse runs."
Urayama salutes him. "Yes, sir!"
***
"Ne, Data Man."
Renji pulls his other school shoe on. Niou pops out from the end of the row of cubbies. He shifts his eyes. His shirt is unbuttoned all the way down to his cleavage. Niou pushes his breasts up. He's wearing a pink bra today.
"The kid's offering to do school cleaning duties."
Renji picks up his bag, a moment too late. "…is that so?"
Niou says, "Puri."
There's a hiccup in Renji's belly.
Kirihara isn't at the tennis courts. He isn't on the third floor, or in his classroom. He doesn't come to lunch. Renji checks the first floor annex. The sun is low through the windows. He rubs his arms and walks faster. He has to pee, and he's hungry. The music appreciation club have a boombox. JuJu blares into the corridor.
Renji walks up the stairs. He stops at the top. Down the hallway, Kirihara pushes a broom. Renji bites a sneeze back.
He takes a step closer. His shoe squeaks.
Kirihara stands up. His shadow is long in the half-light from the flood lights shining through the stairwell windows.
"What are you doing? Renji asks. He takes the broom from Kirihara. He swings it-to smack Kirihara hard behind the knees.
Kirihara swallows. He starts to cry. "You-I need money. I gotta pay for your ab…"
The broom hits the floor. Renji grabs Kirihara's arm and shakes him hard. Kirihara looks at him with red eyes. There are purple bags under them. "Oh, Akaya…" he says. Kirihara's back shudders with another sob. Renji hurts all over.
"No, I'm not," he says.
Kirihara shakes his head. His teeth flash. "What? You can't-you have to, senpai!"
Renji smacks him across the face. The slap echoes, then JuJu starts to sing again.
"I'm not having one. If-I was given this chance, so I think I'll take it," Renji says. He takes a deep breath. "You can't stop me, Akaya."
"People will know!" Kirihara says.
"It's not normal to wake up as a…" Renji swallows hard. "As a girl. Anything could happen." He touches his stomach. Kirihara keeps saying no, he can't, he can't. Renji lifts his jumper, and presses Kirihara's hand to his skin. Kirihara hisses. He tries to pull back. Renji's insides move around. Kirihara's eyes go wide.
"You…said you didn't want anyone to find out." His eyes are wet. His fingers thread through Renji's.
Renji tells him it's okay to cry. Because he is, too.
***
"So, um, what are we gonna do?" Kirihara digs his sneaker into the snow.
Renji says they should probably do some research. Kirihara grabs his hand. They hold mittens.
"You know…it's really weird," Kirihara says. "Parents."
***
The bus to the clinic takes almost an hour. He told his mother he was meeting Sadaharu in Tokyo. He didn't tell Kirihara anything.
The receptionist hands him a clipboard. Renji fills it out. None of the women in the waiting room notice him. A toddler crawls under the chairs. Renji brought a novel in his bag, but he doesn't touch it. He stares at the clock. He stares at his shoes. He picks pills off his coat. A nurse hands him a little plastic container. "The toilet is the second door on the left," she says.
He sits on the toilet. It would be easy with a dick. Renji swallows. He takes a deep breath. He attempts to position the little cup. He gets piss all over his fingers.
The nurse takes him to a room where a female doctor in a white coat says hello. Then she smiles, ruefully. "Do your parents know?"
Renji bows his head.
"I thought so."
The receptionist schedules an ultrasound for next week. Renji shifts his eyes. The toddler bangs plastic blocks together. Another woman waddles out from a back room. Renji leans over the receptionist's desk. "Can it be later?" he asks. "I have school then."
Kirihara phones. They meet Renji at a ramen joint. Renji eats two plates of fried gyoza. He sops up the grease with the last dumpling. Kirihara stops slurping.
"We gotta tell our parents," Kirihara says.
Renji just says, "Not yet."
***
They pool their allowances together. Renji has never set foot in this section of the bookstore before. Renji feels vaguely nauseous. Kirihara whispers, "The coast is clear!"
There's a woman in the book aisle. She's got a melon-shaped middle. Her hands rub her belly.
Renji sighs.
"Where do we, uh, start?" Kirihara pulls a book from the shelf. "Giving Birth Naturally." Kirihara shudders. He puts the book back and takes another. "Birth Preparation: All You Want to Know about Vaginal Birthing." Kirihara grimaces. "Mind Over Labour." He looks at Renji.
The woman taps Renji on the shoulder. "Are you expecting?" she asks.
Renji's mouth opens. In a small voice, he says yes. Kirihara squeezes his hand. "Yeah, my girlfriend's pregnant," he says.
The woman pulls a book from the shelf. "This one is good for beginners. And," She hands the book to Renji. "When you register your pregnancy at the city office, they have lots of good pamphlets for free. Sometimes they have other freebies too."
She waddles away.
Renji folds the bookshop bag over twice. It burns his hand. He stuffs it into his shoulder bag.
Kirihara tugs on his arm. "I wanna see if the new RADWIMPS CD is out." He pulls Renji into HMV. Renji hangs around the enka section instead. He paws through some music magazines. His eyes glaze over.
"Oi, Renji!" Renji whips his head around. Jackal waves. Kirihara looks up from a rack of CDs. Renji kicks him hard in the shin. Kirihara crumples to the ground. Jackal walks over.
"What are you doing here?" Jackal asks.
Renji picks up the first CD his fingers touch. Kirihara moans on the ground, so Renji kicks him again.
"Looking for…the Best of DBSK," Renji says.
Jackal stares at him like he has three heads.
"What are you doing here?" Renji nods to the HMV bag Jackal has.
Jackal rubs the back of his head. "Eheh, I am so totally not buying the Platinum Deluxe Edition of Justin Bieber. Nope." Jackal flashes a smile.
Renji says, "Hn."
"So, are you and Akaya…?" Jackal asks.
Renji blinks.
Jackal winces. "You know…since you have a-" Jackal clears his throat. "Girl bits, too."
"I don't need to answer you," Renji says. Kirihara starts to say something. Jackal peers over the rack. Renji's stomach sinks.
Jackal backs up. His eyes are moon-shaped. "You guys are into some weird kinky stuff…And I don't wanna know."
Kirihara says, "Hey!"
Jackal backs up into the security barrier. "Say nothing about Bieber, and I say nothing to Sanada."
Kirihara hisses. Renji stiffens.
Jackal waves. "See you guys Monday!"
Kirihara stands up. "At least I found my CD," he mumbles. He rubs his ribs.
Renji feels bad enough that at home, he unzips Kirihara's pants. It's easier than apologizing.
***
Kirihara doesn't want to have sex.
Renji pushes him onto the bed. He crawls over Kirihara. He kisses the side of Kirihara's face. He kisses his lips. He licks Kirihara's neck.
"We-we shouldn't!" Kirihara pushes on Renji's chest. Renji kneels back on his ankles. He pulls his sweater off, then he settles down on Kirihara's hips. Kirihara makes a noise. Renji rocks back on Kirihara's erection.
"You want to," he whispers. He runs his tongue in the shell of Kirihara's ear.
Kirihara shakes his head. "No, we-nngh!" His eyes flutter. Renji smiles. He pulls Kirihara's shirt off. It feels good to press his chest to Kirihara's hot skin. His breasts are so sensitive that Renji moans.
"Senpai, we can't!" Kirihara hisses. He squirms. His legs thrash. Renji rides him. "You-we'll squish it!"
Renji tilts his head. "No, we won't."
"We-what?"
Renji rolls his eyes. "It's fine to have sex when you're pregnant." Kirihara's mouth twitches. He rubs his hands over Renji's stomach. The beginnings of a convex curve stretch his muscles.
"Really?"
Kirihara has him pinned on his back, and a leg between his thighs before Renji can nod.
***
"When are you gonna tell your parents?" Kirihara asks.
Renji says, "Not yet."
Kirihara digs the toe of his sneaker into a stretch of pebbly snow. His sigh freezes in the air.
***
Marui runs through the hallway. He waves two tickets in his hand. "JACKAL WHERE ARE YOU?"
Jackal shifts his eyes. "Say nothing." He shuts the door of the girls' bathroom. Renji shrugs. He finishes his bag of Cheetos.
Marui skids to a halt. His face is red and sweaty even though the school is barely managing fifteen degrees in the cafeteria kitchen.
Marui looks at him. "Have you seen Jackal?"
Niou swings a bead necklace in his fingers. He leans on the wall, and lifts his skirt a couple inches up his thigh. "Yep," he says. He nods to the bathroom door. Marui barges in.
Renji shakes his head. "You shouldn't have."
Niou smirks.
Girls scream on the other side of the door. Marui bolts out with saucer eyes. Jackal yanks the door open. "Don't you have any respect?!"
Marui shrinks to half his size. He holds up the tickets. "I got them," he says. "I got two tickets to Bieber, just like you wanted. He's playing this spring, and it cost me 50 000."
Jackal's face softens. "W-what?"
Marui gets down on one knee. He offers the tickets. "Will you be my Valentine, sexy lady?"
"You spent 50 000?" Niou asks. He whistles, and mutters that Marui is fucking stupid. Marui tells Niou to shut up, he's ruining the moment, and duh, it was on his dad's visa.
"So, like, you have to date me, now," Marui says.
Jackal takes the tickets. "All right, fine!"
Marui whoops. Jackal pushes him over onto the floor. "Now, let me piss in peace!"
Renji asks Niou, "What's Yagyuu doing for you?"
Niou's smirk stiffens. "Probably the usual three thrusts to a finish."
"That's not very romantic."
Niou snorts. "Aren't you a romanticist all of a sudden."
Renji doesn't bother to answer Niou. Niou nods to the empty Cheeto bag on the floor. "You got the last from the vending machine, didn't you?"
Renji smiles.
Niou punches him in the arm. It hurts.
"You're an asshole, you know," Niou says.
***
Renji thinks about leaving Niou a bag of Cheetos in his shoe cubby. Then he touches his arm. A purple bruise formed on his skim.
He buys all eight bags from the conbini across from school, and eats them all.
***
His mom hands him a plate of toast. Renji polishes his rice off.
"Your uncle wants to know if you friends are coming up for the holiday weekend," she says.
His sister announces she won't be back until late. "I have shopping to do." The door slams behind her.
Renji wipes the toast crumbs from his tie. He thinks for a moment. "Just my kouhai and me."
His mom says, "Isn't that nice of you."
***
The doctor points at the blob on the screen. It looks like static on tv. Renji squints.
"You're about eighteen weeks," the doctor says. "There's the head. There's the heart." She hands Kirihara her stethoscope. "Do you want to listen?"
The stethoscope is cold. Renji sucks in a breath. He watches Kirihara's face flicker with emotion. Kirihara hands the stethoscope back. He turns away, and sniffles.
The first plum blossoms are out on the trees in the tiny front garden of the clinic. Renji takes a deep breath. His shoes squelch in the mud.
On the train, he hands Kirihara the envelope. Kirihara takes the picture out. He looks at Renji. "I…"
Renji nods.
Kirihara sits back in the seat. "I'm gonna keep this safe and frame it." He asks Renji to hold the photo for a sec. Kirihara flips his cellphone open to take a picture.
"It's not very good," Renji says. "You should have taken a close-up, rather than me."
Kiirhara shakes his head. "It's got both of you."
***
"Akaya needs to work on his discipline," Renji says. He looks at Sanada and Yukimura. Yukimura's hand keeps snaking around Sanada's waist. Sanada's eye keeps twitching.
"That's a good idea, Renji," Yukimura says.
Sanada glances to Kirihara, who fights Niou for a cream puff from Niou's cafeteria tray. "Don't let him act up."
Renji smiles. "Of course."
***
His uncle is blind in one eye (accident trying to shoot tanuki before Renji was born), and missing three fingers. He limps, and has an old bloodhound that sleeps by the wood burning stove. Kirihara plays with Mimi's ears until the dog lifts her chin and yowls.
Snow still clings to the mountains, and winter cold creeps into the old wooden house. Renji brings a bag full of books. Kirihara brings an extra gameboy console and jumbo sized bags of Mitsuya cider jellies that Renji devours. There's nothing to eat in his uncle's tiny kitchen except oden cans, and freeze-dried tofu.
His uncle drives to the local bar every night on his scooter, and passes out drunk when he comes back-with or without the scooter. The boarders won't arrive until April, or May. Renji and Kirihara spread out over a five tatami-mat room. They slide the door shut, and have sex until their muscles turn limp and noodley and Kirihara is covered in bite marks.
In the afternoon, Renji's uncle smokes pot and complains about losing his job at a factory-fifteen years before. Renji and Kirihara throw melting snowballs at each other outside. Renji listens to the chirping birds, and the slow, dripping death of the icicles on the eaves. Kirihara rolls snowman balls that pick up gravel and yellowed grass.
before dinner, they go for a walk. Renji tries the reception for his cellphone at the top of a hill. There's no signal. He looks down at the valley, and their footprints leading up the pathway through skeletal trees. Kirihara flops down on the ground. He makes a snow angel. Renji presses his shoes into the snow in quatrefoil patterns. The sun wavers in the west.
On the way back, Kirihara holds Renji's hand. He brings it to his mouth, and presses his lips to Renji's wrist. "We have to tell our parents," Kirihara says.
Renji opens his mouth.
"Don't say 'not yet', either! We gotta tell them. We're gonna be in really big shit the longer we wait!"
Renji walks ahead. He doesn't want Kirihara to see him cry.
***
"Sorry," Kirihara mutters. He's damp from the bath, and warm. He wraps an arm behind Renji's shoulders. The scooter revs and drives into the distance. There is nothing but the sound of Kirihara's breathing, and the raccoon dogs digging in the trash bin.
Renji swallows the lump in his throat, and closes his eyes. It's a long time before he falls asleep.
***
On Valentine's, a lumpy, badly-wrapped box tumbles out of his shoe cubby. Renji picks it up.
Niou wolf-whistles behind him. "Who's the lady?" He winks.
Marui rummages around his cubby. He dumps box after candy box. He narrows his eyes at Jackal. "Where's my mochalicious giri-chocos?"
Jackal shrugs.
At lunch, Renji sneaks into the clubhouse with Yukimura's keys-there were always two copies, Yukimura said. "I won't give these up over my dead body!" Kirihara never bothered to hide his padlock combo from Renji. Dirty jerseys, crumpled paper, found pieces from phone charms, and the smell of mouldy sweat pours out. Renji pushes a racket cover aside. He tucks a box underneath.
He waits at the tonkatsu joint in the arcade. Renji unwraps the box. He pulls out a Kawabata Yatsunari novel. Then he peels the Book Off sticker from the back. Renji reads over the first couple paragraphs.
Kirihara collapses on the banquet across from him. He gasps. Renji slides his tea across. Kirihara polishes it off. He dumps his tennis bag on the floor. "Sorry, I ran all the way after practice."
Renji raises an eyebrow. "You ran?"
Kirihara laughs. "Uh…well…I used up all my allowance."
Renji runs his fingers over the spine of the novel. "Thank you," he says.
Kirihara pushes the empty box at him. "Didn't you see the rest?"
At the bottom of the box is something golden, and shiny. Renji pulls a button out, which dangles from the end of a gold chain. Kirihara's blazer is missing the top button: the one closest to his heart.
Renji's heart flutters. Something else pokes his insides. He presses his hand to his middle, and sucks in a breath. "Akaya…"
"Will…you wear it?" Kirihara asks. His blazer gapes a bit when he reaches over the table. His hand wraps over Renji's, and closes the necklace in his palm.
"Did you open yours?" Renji asks. "It's girls giving presents today."
Kirihara shrugs. "Yeah, but since we're not really normal, I didn't think it mattered."
"True," Renji says.
Kirihara tears into the paper. His eyes go wide. He throws the box on the seat, and holds up the wii sports pack soft sword in one hand. He holds up the mini tennis racket with his other hand, and launches himself at Renji.
"Oh my god!" Kirihara shouts. Renji hisses "SHH!" Kirihara ducks his head. His grin spreads between his ears. "This is PERFECT!"
Instead of having sex back at Kirihara's apartment, they play wii tennis with the soft rackets. Kirihara jumps up and smashes his racket in the air. Renji swings a little. The shot on the screen is wide, and out of bounds.
"This is rigged," he says. "That shot was fifteen degrees too far to the right."
"Hah!" Kirihara pumps his fist. "Match point for ME! I'll beat you, senpai!" He starts to cackle. Renji narrows his eyes. He swings tighter to his body. The ball shoots across the net. Kirihara flails and dives. His mii swings aimlessly, and misses.
"Really, Akaya?" Renji asks.
"Shut up," he mumbles.
Renji lets him win anyway.
Kirihara walks him home. With each passing block, Renji's shoulders stiffen. He slows his pace. The moon is heavy, and bright.
"Wait." Kirihara sticks his fingers into Renji's pocket. They tickle. Renji leans into a cement wall.
Kirihara pulls out the button necklace.
"I can't wear it yet," Renji says.
Kirihara frowns. "No one will see under your uniform."
Renji closes his eyes. He has to pee, too. He shifts his weight. Finally, he whispers, "Okay."
Kirihara fumbles with the clasp. Renji says they should walk to the street lamp where he can see better. Renji holds it up in the orange phosphorescence. Kirihara rubs it between his fingers, and tucks it under Renji's shirt. It feels heavy, and light, all at once.
"Please wear it," Kirihara says. His eyes flicker.
Renji kisses him, light and long, until the first car drives by. Kirihara takes his hand off Renji's side.
In bed, Renji closes his eyes, and lies back on his pillow. His fingers spread across his stomach. Soon, he thinks.
Author: Ociwen
Wordcount: Long
Rating: NC17 overall
Disclaimer: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series, including ShinTenipuri.
Warning: Girl parts, and then some. Crude humour. Misogyny. The usual.
Summary: Renji wakes up as a girl.
Author's Notes: This is a one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa, Accidentally All Right, Push/Pull, and Big Brother. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together.
[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7]
If you like/love/loathe, please leave a comment to let me know.
He's different. Over the past two months, he's changed and Renji isn't sure of why. Maybe it was becoming tennis club captain. Maybe it was having his heart broken. Maybe it was another thing all together.
Kirihara swaggers down the halls of school. He smirks more, and he lifts his chin higher. He holds Renji's hand on the street (but not near school). Renji sweats bullets and leads them down empty alleys. Kirihara kisses him there, like he doesn't care.
He laughs at Marui's jokes-the ones about pussy and tits and girls. He gets them now. And he tells some of his own that, sometimes, Marui doesn't get. Kirihara looks at Renji over his bento box. His eyes are so dark that Renji has to look away. And he thinks about how hard Kirihara will fuck him when they're alone, after school, in the clubhouse.
Kirihara has the clubhouse keys now, too.
He starts to eat lunch with them again. Renji steals Kirihara's avocado rolls, and his cinnamon almond agipan too. He offers Kirihara his milk. It tastes like chalk now. Renji doesn’t remember milk tasting like that before.
"Ne, Akaya," Jackal says. He points at Kirihara with his chopsticks. Sanada twitches. "Where'd you get that funny bruise on your neck?"
Kirihara touches his neck. He turns red.
"Is there something you're not telling us?" Marui asks. He waggles his eyebrows.
Kirihara shakes his head. "No!" His voice squeaks. "No, nothing!"
Renji wipes almond flakes from his pants. "We have your English test to worry about after practice," he says.
He plays a round of tennis with Yukimura. Sanada has a Public Morals Committee meeting. Yukimura serves hard and takes points. Renji volleys. He lobs Yukimura's balls. Yukimura says he's not that dumb. He doesn't smash. He doesn't bother with low shots, either. He hits long, hard balls to the baseline. Renji runs back and forth, panting. Yukimura hardly moves from the spot.
"Your form is terrible," he says.
Renji shrugs.
Kirihara locks up for the night. He presses Renji up against a row of lockers. Renji spreads his legs. Kirihara groans. "You're heavy," he says. He bites Renji's ear. Renji digs his hands into Kirihara's balls. He yelps.
"You can't do it," Renji says. He bites Kirihara's neck. "Jackal will notice that, too."
Kirihara growls. He pushes Renji hard. He unzips his fly. Renji shudders when Kirihara slides inside. He squeezes his legs tighter. His back bangs into the lockers.
There is a loud clank.
Jackal stands in the doorway. A set of keys are at his feet. He raises his hands.
Kirihara stops thrusting. Renji's insides shrivel up.
Jackal backs up. "I didn't. see. anything." He picks up the keys, and leaves.
Kirihara makes a funny noise. "Uh…"
Renji bites his lip. He digs his hands into Kirihara's hair. He pushes his hips forward. "Well, don't stop," he says.
Kirihara pushes deep.
***
In home ec, Renji says, "Jackal."
Jackal sticks his hands in his ears. The sparkly studs are new. "La la la I know NOTHING!" he says. "My brain is not burned at all!"
Marui slides an arm over Renji's shoulder. "Did you know…" He pauses to pop a bubble. "…that, like, the other day, Sanada saw Niou and Yagyuu doing it in the tennis shed? And they were standing up!"
Renji blinks. Jackal drops the bag of flour onto the floor. Their shoes are still dusted white at lunch.
***
There is no eureka. There is no one moment. It gradually dawns upon him. He wakes up, like every morning, and has to pee. But he has to pee more. He has to pee before tennis practice, and then again in physics class. Renji wonders, What if…?
There are some mornings-and an evening, too-where he stays in bed extra long. He clutches his sides. His stomach churns a hundred directions. Bile rises in his throat. He almost heaves into his rubbish bin, but he never quite needs to. He lies on his back. His hands drift over his stomach. He sighs.
His breasts hurt. He rubs them in the bath. He rubs them under his pajamas. He rubs his palms over them as Kirihara lies next to him, naked and warm and asleep. Kirihara burrows his face in Renji's armpit. Renji combs his fingers through Kirihara's hair. It's soft and damp and a mess. He thinks of what it would be like to hold a smaller Kirihara to his chest, and his entire body aches so much for it. He bites his lip on moan.
Kirihara shifts his leg. He murmurs, "Hn?"
Renji trails his fingers over Kirihara's back. "It's nothing," he says.
Kirihara kisses him slowly. He breathes those three words onto Renji's lips. Renji closes his eyes and says he knows.
***
Across from the train station, there's a Matsumoto Kiyoshi branch. Shampoo and green tea bottles explode onto the street, along with stacks of boxed soap and toilet paper. Renji hunches his shoulders. He's still a foot taller than any of the girls in the tampon aisle. He shuffles to the back, and shifts his eyes.
He side-steps four feet. The cash register is too close. His heart pounds. His pulse races. He looks left. One of the girls takes a tampon box to the counter. Renji grabs the box from the shelf, and stuffs it into his pocket. He looks left again.
Then he relaxes his shoulders. He picks up a package of Lotte gum, and sets it on the counter. "Just this," he says.
At home he locks himself in the toilet room with a tennis magazine. He can't read a single character. He checks the time on his cellphone. He counts the minutes backward. Sanada would say, "The greatest fault in war is hesitation." Yukimura would say, "The greatest fault in tennis is hesitation."
Renji grabs the stick and looks down. There are two stripes.
His body prickles all over.
***
He can't say anything to Jackal.
He won't say anything to Niou.
He shouldn't say anything to Sanada.
Sadaharu wouldn't understand.
He spends Saturday on the third floor of the book shop, in the biology section. Renji stares at the pictures in the books. He blanches. His eyes drift to the maternity section. He goes to the magazines instead. All the covers look the same. His stomach growls, but he wants to puke.
"Renji."
Renji stiffens. Sanada has a plastic bag from the store. "I emailed and you didn't answer."
Renji shrugs. Sanada frowns. They sit in Starbucks, at the back by the toilets. Sanada blows on the steam from his hot chocolate. Renji nurses a matcha latte, and two slices of cake. He offers Sanada a piece. Sanada hesitates.
Renji raises his eyebrows. He pushes the cake closer to Sanada.
"Do you ever think you'll have kids with Yukimura?"
Hot chocolate sprays across the table. Sanada is a shade of purple. Renji offers a napkin.
"Not now," Renji says. "But…later."
"That would be-"
"Biologically possible now."
Sanada closes his mouth. He shakes his head. He plays with his cap brim. "Tarundoru. Don't ask stuff like that."
"But do you?"
"If Yukimura…" Sanada takes a deep breath. His nostrils flare. His chest rises. "Renji," he says.
"Yes?"
Sanada kicks him under the table. "Stop taking so much data."
***
Nobody ever uses the eighth floor men's toilets in the department store across from the shopping arcade.
Renji buries his face inside his scarf. But he can still hear the echoes of his crying.
***
He goes to the local shrine. The gravel crunches under his trainers. He blows on his hands. His breath hangs in the air.
He rings the bell, and claps, and bows his head. "What do I do?" he whispers. The smell of incense clings to his uniform. The gilded deity sits, expressionless. Renji throws a 50 yen coin into the box. He lights a stick of incense, and breathes it in.
Candle light bounces off the gold. The wooden floor creaks. A monk has started to chant a sutra in an adjoining building. Renji closes his eyes. The words curve and coil with the smoke.
He leaves through the back gate, under a red torii. Small jizo line the path. They're covered in moss, and crumbling with age. Renji tosses a coin into the lap of one.
"Psst."
He blinks. He looks over his shoulder. The pines are still.
"Down here."
Renji looks down. The jizo sits with coins covering his lap, smiling.
***
Kirihara kisses his neck. He touches Renji's cheek. He presses another kiss to Renji's chin.
"Senpai?"
Renji looks down at him. Kirihara looks up. Hair curls around his face. He doesn't look away.
"Are you all right?"
Renji takes Kirihara's hand, and slides it under his shirt.
***
Jackal breaks up with his girlfriend after two weeks.
"She was just too…"
"Demanding?" Marui offers. He holds out his shrimp chip bag. Jackal takes a handful.
"She wanted to talk about feelings all the time," Jackal says. "And do each other's hair. I just wanted something more."
"Like hot, heavy lesbian petting?" Marui asks.
Jackal ignores him. "I just couldn't handle all the mind games. She took my favourite hair clip, too." He runs his hands through his hair. It’s almost a couple inches long.
"Maybe she wasn't a real lesbian," Marui says.
"Maybe," Jackal says. "Or maybe I'm not."
"Maybe you like dick?" Marui offers his shrimp chips again. He smiles.
"You're a prick," Jackal says. He takes the whole bag.
"At least Yukimura doesn't talk to you like that," Renji tells Sanada. Sanada sits up in Yukimura's lap. He mumbles something that sounds like yes.
"Oi!" Marui shouts. "Give those back!"
Jackal shakes his head. "I'm PMSing and I have a salt craving."
Marui takes a wide step back. He has his hands up. "Way, way TMI, Jackal."
Yukimura's eyes go wide. He inches back from Sanada, like a crab.
Kirihara shifts his eyes. Renji looks away.
***
Renji runs his tongue over the underside of Kirihara's dick.
"I like dick," he murmurs.
Kirihara comes.
***
A week before Christmas, Kirihara asks where Renji wants to go, like, on a date. They're sitting on Kirihara's bedroom floor. Kirihara is draped over Renji's lap. Homework is strewed across a low folding table. Renji doesn't have a shirt on.
He wants to say Kamakura, or maybe the palace gardens in Tokyo. Instead, he says, "The gardens by the harbour." It's cheaper.
He bombs his math test two days before Christmas Eve. Renji stuffs the test into his garbage bin. His face burns, but in the long run, it won't matter. He signed the form for the technical stream of high school. All it needs is his parents' hanko stamp.
Christmas Eve falls on Friday this year. Renji sits on the rooftop at lunch. The smell of the cafeteria makes his stomach turn. He eats three packages of matcha chocolates and a bag and a box and a half of salad-flavoured Jagariko. In gym class, he pukes it all up in a squat toilet.
Kirihara has tennis practice, so Renji walks home alone. He calls Sanada. "What are you doing tonight?"
There is a pause. Then a muffled voice, and Sanada whispering that it's Renji. Sanada says, "…Yukimura and I are going out for ramen."
"Oh," Renji says. He hangs up. Flakes of snow try to land on Renji's wool coat. They dissolve on impact.
He calls Sadaharu. "What are you doing tonight?"
Sadaharu sucks in a breath. "Renji, the percent chance of me feeling the same way-"
"-remains ninety five."
"…yes."
Renji hangs up.
Kirihara phones. He's out of breath and his words run together, a mile a minute.
"WecanmeetatMotomachiexitfouratseven. Isthatokay?"
Renji swallows.
***
His sister gives him a funny look when he puts his shoes on.
"I'm going to the bookstore," Renji says.
She nods slowly. "So am I."
Their mom tells them to have a good night. His sister shuts the front door behind them. At the front gate, she narrows his eyes.
"You don't tell, I don't tell."
Renji nods.
A scooter shows up. The engine revs. Izumi jumps on the back, and clings to a man in a leather jacket. Renji pulls his cellphone out to snap a photo.
He's five minutes early at the station exit. People flood through the automated gates. Couples are everywhere. A man helps a woman carry a stroller up the exit steps. Renji watches them.
"Senpai!" Kirihara waves his arms. His scarf dangles down his back. They walk outside, and across the street. Renji stuffs his hands deep into his pockets. Freeters flock the exit with pamphlets for half-price date meals and hair salon ads. The trees lining the street are studded with lights. Christmas music floats out from shops and restaurants.
"Um…" Kirihara tugs his arm. "Do you wanna, uh, get some crepes? Or parfaits?"
Renji shakes his head. He avoids looking at Kirihara. "Maybe later," he says.
Kirihara smiles, but his voice is flat. "Okay."
There's a park behind a temple, not too far from the private hospital. "Too bad my parents are home," Kirihara says. He laughs. Renji doesn't. A frosted sigh puffs in the air.
The park is dark, and quiet. Renji sits on a bench. His butt is cold. Kirihara sits beside him. He reaches for Renji's shoulders. Renji leans away. The lump in his throat is so big, it could explode. Renji can't feel his fingers, either.
Kirihara wrings his mittens together. He swings his feet. Renji closes his eyes. "Akaya," he says.
Kirihara pulls Renji by the arm to face him. Renji takes a deep breath. He practiced the words a hundred times in his head.
He says them.
"I'm pregnant" shatters the brittle cold. Renji bows his head.
"I'm 100% certain," he says. Kirihara jumps off the bench. Renji starts to cry. Moonlight gleams on the crystallized tears on the collar of his coat.
Kirihara balls his mittens into fists. He purses his lips, and takes a deep breath. Then he snaps his body into a bow. He shouts, "I promise to do MY BEST!"
Renji pulls him up. "Don't," he mouths. "Akaya." Kirihara wipes his eyes with a package of Kleenex. He holds it out. Renji sniffles.
They go for crepes in a café overlooking the main street. Their knees tangle under the table. Renji checks three times, but there's no one from school here.
"How do you know?" Kirihara asks. He shakes his head. "We're just-we can't. We're not old enough!" He stirs his parfait into a pulp.
Renji eats the French toast off the top of his parfait. "You know how they're made," he says.
Kirihara rolls his eyes. "I'm not stupid, senpai. I know all about the tadpoles that live in your jizz and stick to a girl's insides."
Renji starts to laugh. Kirihara scratches the back of his head. "It's true. I learned it last year in Sex Ed class. But…" He licks his spoon. Renji eats the last of his cream layer.
"We're just kids."
***
Kirihara asks him for extra newspapers. Renji asks if he's getting a pet guinea pig, or maybe a gerbil.
Kirihara shifts his eyes. Renji pinches his bum. "No," Kirihara says.
Renji tries to kiss him. He slings his leg over Kirihara's lap. Kirihara crawls backwards into his closet. "Akaya," Renji says.
"My parents are gonna be home soon," Kirihara says.
Renji rocks his hips. He can feel Kirihara's erection. "Akaya," he says, again.
Kirihara shakes his head.
***
They're supposed to go out for ramen on the last night before school starts. Renji is on the train. His cellphone vibrates. soree I hav homework
Renji gets off at the next stop. He walks to the other side of the platform, and takes a train right back home. Ads flutter overhead, for the Dinosaur exhibition at a museum in Chiba, for hanami in March, for women's clinics. Renji crosses his arms over his stomach. He repeats the address in his head. As soon as he steps off the train, he types an email on his cell, and sends it to himself.
***
Kirihara falls asleep in his lunch. Marui threatens to prop his eyes open with chopsticks. Niou just laughs at the sauce dripping from his hair. Renji offers a handkerchief.
"Don't study too hard," Yukimura tells him.
Kirihara nods. His eyes droop.
Renji hangs around the tennis courts after school finishes. Urayama Shiita has a megaphone, and a stopwatch hanging from a lanyard. There is no sign of Kirihara.
"Where is Akaya?" Renji asks. Something moves inside. He freezes. Urayama says something. There's another tiny sensation. It feels like a gas bubble. Renji closes his eyes.
"Yanagi-senpai?" Urayama asks.
Renji tells him to have a good night. "Don't forget ankle stretches before the reverse runs."
Urayama salutes him. "Yes, sir!"
***
"Ne, Data Man."
Renji pulls his other school shoe on. Niou pops out from the end of the row of cubbies. He shifts his eyes. His shirt is unbuttoned all the way down to his cleavage. Niou pushes his breasts up. He's wearing a pink bra today.
"The kid's offering to do school cleaning duties."
Renji picks up his bag, a moment too late. "…is that so?"
Niou says, "Puri."
There's a hiccup in Renji's belly.
Kirihara isn't at the tennis courts. He isn't on the third floor, or in his classroom. He doesn't come to lunch. Renji checks the first floor annex. The sun is low through the windows. He rubs his arms and walks faster. He has to pee, and he's hungry. The music appreciation club have a boombox. JuJu blares into the corridor.
Renji walks up the stairs. He stops at the top. Down the hallway, Kirihara pushes a broom. Renji bites a sneeze back.
He takes a step closer. His shoe squeaks.
Kirihara stands up. His shadow is long in the half-light from the flood lights shining through the stairwell windows.
"What are you doing? Renji asks. He takes the broom from Kirihara. He swings it-to smack Kirihara hard behind the knees.
Kirihara swallows. He starts to cry. "You-I need money. I gotta pay for your ab…"
The broom hits the floor. Renji grabs Kirihara's arm and shakes him hard. Kirihara looks at him with red eyes. There are purple bags under them. "Oh, Akaya…" he says. Kirihara's back shudders with another sob. Renji hurts all over.
"No, I'm not," he says.
Kirihara shakes his head. His teeth flash. "What? You can't-you have to, senpai!"
Renji smacks him across the face. The slap echoes, then JuJu starts to sing again.
"I'm not having one. If-I was given this chance, so I think I'll take it," Renji says. He takes a deep breath. "You can't stop me, Akaya."
"People will know!" Kirihara says.
"It's not normal to wake up as a…" Renji swallows hard. "As a girl. Anything could happen." He touches his stomach. Kirihara keeps saying no, he can't, he can't. Renji lifts his jumper, and presses Kirihara's hand to his skin. Kirihara hisses. He tries to pull back. Renji's insides move around. Kirihara's eyes go wide.
"You…said you didn't want anyone to find out." His eyes are wet. His fingers thread through Renji's.
Renji tells him it's okay to cry. Because he is, too.
***
"So, um, what are we gonna do?" Kirihara digs his sneaker into the snow.
Renji says they should probably do some research. Kirihara grabs his hand. They hold mittens.
"You know…it's really weird," Kirihara says. "Parents."
***
The bus to the clinic takes almost an hour. He told his mother he was meeting Sadaharu in Tokyo. He didn't tell Kirihara anything.
The receptionist hands him a clipboard. Renji fills it out. None of the women in the waiting room notice him. A toddler crawls under the chairs. Renji brought a novel in his bag, but he doesn't touch it. He stares at the clock. He stares at his shoes. He picks pills off his coat. A nurse hands him a little plastic container. "The toilet is the second door on the left," she says.
He sits on the toilet. It would be easy with a dick. Renji swallows. He takes a deep breath. He attempts to position the little cup. He gets piss all over his fingers.
The nurse takes him to a room where a female doctor in a white coat says hello. Then she smiles, ruefully. "Do your parents know?"
Renji bows his head.
"I thought so."
The receptionist schedules an ultrasound for next week. Renji shifts his eyes. The toddler bangs plastic blocks together. Another woman waddles out from a back room. Renji leans over the receptionist's desk. "Can it be later?" he asks. "I have school then."
Kirihara phones. They meet Renji at a ramen joint. Renji eats two plates of fried gyoza. He sops up the grease with the last dumpling. Kirihara stops slurping.
"We gotta tell our parents," Kirihara says.
Renji just says, "Not yet."
***
They pool their allowances together. Renji has never set foot in this section of the bookstore before. Renji feels vaguely nauseous. Kirihara whispers, "The coast is clear!"
There's a woman in the book aisle. She's got a melon-shaped middle. Her hands rub her belly.
Renji sighs.
"Where do we, uh, start?" Kirihara pulls a book from the shelf. "Giving Birth Naturally." Kirihara shudders. He puts the book back and takes another. "Birth Preparation: All You Want to Know about Vaginal Birthing." Kirihara grimaces. "Mind Over Labour." He looks at Renji.
The woman taps Renji on the shoulder. "Are you expecting?" she asks.
Renji's mouth opens. In a small voice, he says yes. Kirihara squeezes his hand. "Yeah, my girlfriend's pregnant," he says.
The woman pulls a book from the shelf. "This one is good for beginners. And," She hands the book to Renji. "When you register your pregnancy at the city office, they have lots of good pamphlets for free. Sometimes they have other freebies too."
She waddles away.
Renji folds the bookshop bag over twice. It burns his hand. He stuffs it into his shoulder bag.
Kirihara tugs on his arm. "I wanna see if the new RADWIMPS CD is out." He pulls Renji into HMV. Renji hangs around the enka section instead. He paws through some music magazines. His eyes glaze over.
"Oi, Renji!" Renji whips his head around. Jackal waves. Kirihara looks up from a rack of CDs. Renji kicks him hard in the shin. Kirihara crumples to the ground. Jackal walks over.
"What are you doing here?" Jackal asks.
Renji picks up the first CD his fingers touch. Kirihara moans on the ground, so Renji kicks him again.
"Looking for…the Best of DBSK," Renji says.
Jackal stares at him like he has three heads.
"What are you doing here?" Renji nods to the HMV bag Jackal has.
Jackal rubs the back of his head. "Eheh, I am so totally not buying the Platinum Deluxe Edition of Justin Bieber. Nope." Jackal flashes a smile.
Renji says, "Hn."
"So, are you and Akaya…?" Jackal asks.
Renji blinks.
Jackal winces. "You know…since you have a-" Jackal clears his throat. "Girl bits, too."
"I don't need to answer you," Renji says. Kirihara starts to say something. Jackal peers over the rack. Renji's stomach sinks.
Jackal backs up. His eyes are moon-shaped. "You guys are into some weird kinky stuff…And I don't wanna know."
Kirihara says, "Hey!"
Jackal backs up into the security barrier. "Say nothing about Bieber, and I say nothing to Sanada."
Kirihara hisses. Renji stiffens.
Jackal waves. "See you guys Monday!"
Kirihara stands up. "At least I found my CD," he mumbles. He rubs his ribs.
Renji feels bad enough that at home, he unzips Kirihara's pants. It's easier than apologizing.
***
Kirihara doesn't want to have sex.
Renji pushes him onto the bed. He crawls over Kirihara. He kisses the side of Kirihara's face. He kisses his lips. He licks Kirihara's neck.
"We-we shouldn't!" Kirihara pushes on Renji's chest. Renji kneels back on his ankles. He pulls his sweater off, then he settles down on Kirihara's hips. Kirihara makes a noise. Renji rocks back on Kirihara's erection.
"You want to," he whispers. He runs his tongue in the shell of Kirihara's ear.
Kirihara shakes his head. "No, we-nngh!" His eyes flutter. Renji smiles. He pulls Kirihara's shirt off. It feels good to press his chest to Kirihara's hot skin. His breasts are so sensitive that Renji moans.
"Senpai, we can't!" Kirihara hisses. He squirms. His legs thrash. Renji rides him. "You-we'll squish it!"
Renji tilts his head. "No, we won't."
"We-what?"
Renji rolls his eyes. "It's fine to have sex when you're pregnant." Kirihara's mouth twitches. He rubs his hands over Renji's stomach. The beginnings of a convex curve stretch his muscles.
"Really?"
Kirihara has him pinned on his back, and a leg between his thighs before Renji can nod.
***
"When are you gonna tell your parents?" Kirihara asks.
Renji says, "Not yet."
Kirihara digs the toe of his sneaker into a stretch of pebbly snow. His sigh freezes in the air.
***
Marui runs through the hallway. He waves two tickets in his hand. "JACKAL WHERE ARE YOU?"
Jackal shifts his eyes. "Say nothing." He shuts the door of the girls' bathroom. Renji shrugs. He finishes his bag of Cheetos.
Marui skids to a halt. His face is red and sweaty even though the school is barely managing fifteen degrees in the cafeteria kitchen.
Marui looks at him. "Have you seen Jackal?"
Niou swings a bead necklace in his fingers. He leans on the wall, and lifts his skirt a couple inches up his thigh. "Yep," he says. He nods to the bathroom door. Marui barges in.
Renji shakes his head. "You shouldn't have."
Niou smirks.
Girls scream on the other side of the door. Marui bolts out with saucer eyes. Jackal yanks the door open. "Don't you have any respect?!"
Marui shrinks to half his size. He holds up the tickets. "I got them," he says. "I got two tickets to Bieber, just like you wanted. He's playing this spring, and it cost me 50 000."
Jackal's face softens. "W-what?"
Marui gets down on one knee. He offers the tickets. "Will you be my Valentine, sexy lady?"
"You spent 50 000?" Niou asks. He whistles, and mutters that Marui is fucking stupid. Marui tells Niou to shut up, he's ruining the moment, and duh, it was on his dad's visa.
"So, like, you have to date me, now," Marui says.
Jackal takes the tickets. "All right, fine!"
Marui whoops. Jackal pushes him over onto the floor. "Now, let me piss in peace!"
Renji asks Niou, "What's Yagyuu doing for you?"
Niou's smirk stiffens. "Probably the usual three thrusts to a finish."
"That's not very romantic."
Niou snorts. "Aren't you a romanticist all of a sudden."
Renji doesn't bother to answer Niou. Niou nods to the empty Cheeto bag on the floor. "You got the last from the vending machine, didn't you?"
Renji smiles.
Niou punches him in the arm. It hurts.
"You're an asshole, you know," Niou says.
***
Renji thinks about leaving Niou a bag of Cheetos in his shoe cubby. Then he touches his arm. A purple bruise formed on his skim.
He buys all eight bags from the conbini across from school, and eats them all.
***
His mom hands him a plate of toast. Renji polishes his rice off.
"Your uncle wants to know if you friends are coming up for the holiday weekend," she says.
His sister announces she won't be back until late. "I have shopping to do." The door slams behind her.
Renji wipes the toast crumbs from his tie. He thinks for a moment. "Just my kouhai and me."
His mom says, "Isn't that nice of you."
***
The doctor points at the blob on the screen. It looks like static on tv. Renji squints.
"You're about eighteen weeks," the doctor says. "There's the head. There's the heart." She hands Kirihara her stethoscope. "Do you want to listen?"
The stethoscope is cold. Renji sucks in a breath. He watches Kirihara's face flicker with emotion. Kirihara hands the stethoscope back. He turns away, and sniffles.
The first plum blossoms are out on the trees in the tiny front garden of the clinic. Renji takes a deep breath. His shoes squelch in the mud.
On the train, he hands Kirihara the envelope. Kirihara takes the picture out. He looks at Renji. "I…"
Renji nods.
Kirihara sits back in the seat. "I'm gonna keep this safe and frame it." He asks Renji to hold the photo for a sec. Kirihara flips his cellphone open to take a picture.
"It's not very good," Renji says. "You should have taken a close-up, rather than me."
Kiirhara shakes his head. "It's got both of you."
***
"Akaya needs to work on his discipline," Renji says. He looks at Sanada and Yukimura. Yukimura's hand keeps snaking around Sanada's waist. Sanada's eye keeps twitching.
"That's a good idea, Renji," Yukimura says.
Sanada glances to Kirihara, who fights Niou for a cream puff from Niou's cafeteria tray. "Don't let him act up."
Renji smiles. "Of course."
***
His uncle is blind in one eye (accident trying to shoot tanuki before Renji was born), and missing three fingers. He limps, and has an old bloodhound that sleeps by the wood burning stove. Kirihara plays with Mimi's ears until the dog lifts her chin and yowls.
Snow still clings to the mountains, and winter cold creeps into the old wooden house. Renji brings a bag full of books. Kirihara brings an extra gameboy console and jumbo sized bags of Mitsuya cider jellies that Renji devours. There's nothing to eat in his uncle's tiny kitchen except oden cans, and freeze-dried tofu.
His uncle drives to the local bar every night on his scooter, and passes out drunk when he comes back-with or without the scooter. The boarders won't arrive until April, or May. Renji and Kirihara spread out over a five tatami-mat room. They slide the door shut, and have sex until their muscles turn limp and noodley and Kirihara is covered in bite marks.
In the afternoon, Renji's uncle smokes pot and complains about losing his job at a factory-fifteen years before. Renji and Kirihara throw melting snowballs at each other outside. Renji listens to the chirping birds, and the slow, dripping death of the icicles on the eaves. Kirihara rolls snowman balls that pick up gravel and yellowed grass.
before dinner, they go for a walk. Renji tries the reception for his cellphone at the top of a hill. There's no signal. He looks down at the valley, and their footprints leading up the pathway through skeletal trees. Kirihara flops down on the ground. He makes a snow angel. Renji presses his shoes into the snow in quatrefoil patterns. The sun wavers in the west.
On the way back, Kirihara holds Renji's hand. He brings it to his mouth, and presses his lips to Renji's wrist. "We have to tell our parents," Kirihara says.
Renji opens his mouth.
"Don't say 'not yet', either! We gotta tell them. We're gonna be in really big shit the longer we wait!"
Renji walks ahead. He doesn't want Kirihara to see him cry.
***
"Sorry," Kirihara mutters. He's damp from the bath, and warm. He wraps an arm behind Renji's shoulders. The scooter revs and drives into the distance. There is nothing but the sound of Kirihara's breathing, and the raccoon dogs digging in the trash bin.
Renji swallows the lump in his throat, and closes his eyes. It's a long time before he falls asleep.
***
On Valentine's, a lumpy, badly-wrapped box tumbles out of his shoe cubby. Renji picks it up.
Niou wolf-whistles behind him. "Who's the lady?" He winks.
Marui rummages around his cubby. He dumps box after candy box. He narrows his eyes at Jackal. "Where's my mochalicious giri-chocos?"
Jackal shrugs.
At lunch, Renji sneaks into the clubhouse with Yukimura's keys-there were always two copies, Yukimura said. "I won't give these up over my dead body!" Kirihara never bothered to hide his padlock combo from Renji. Dirty jerseys, crumpled paper, found pieces from phone charms, and the smell of mouldy sweat pours out. Renji pushes a racket cover aside. He tucks a box underneath.
He waits at the tonkatsu joint in the arcade. Renji unwraps the box. He pulls out a Kawabata Yatsunari novel. Then he peels the Book Off sticker from the back. Renji reads over the first couple paragraphs.
Kirihara collapses on the banquet across from him. He gasps. Renji slides his tea across. Kirihara polishes it off. He dumps his tennis bag on the floor. "Sorry, I ran all the way after practice."
Renji raises an eyebrow. "You ran?"
Kirihara laughs. "Uh…well…I used up all my allowance."
Renji runs his fingers over the spine of the novel. "Thank you," he says.
Kirihara pushes the empty box at him. "Didn't you see the rest?"
At the bottom of the box is something golden, and shiny. Renji pulls a button out, which dangles from the end of a gold chain. Kirihara's blazer is missing the top button: the one closest to his heart.
Renji's heart flutters. Something else pokes his insides. He presses his hand to his middle, and sucks in a breath. "Akaya…"
"Will…you wear it?" Kirihara asks. His blazer gapes a bit when he reaches over the table. His hand wraps over Renji's, and closes the necklace in his palm.
"Did you open yours?" Renji asks. "It's girls giving presents today."
Kirihara shrugs. "Yeah, but since we're not really normal, I didn't think it mattered."
"True," Renji says.
Kirihara tears into the paper. His eyes go wide. He throws the box on the seat, and holds up the wii sports pack soft sword in one hand. He holds up the mini tennis racket with his other hand, and launches himself at Renji.
"Oh my god!" Kirihara shouts. Renji hisses "SHH!" Kirihara ducks his head. His grin spreads between his ears. "This is PERFECT!"
Instead of having sex back at Kirihara's apartment, they play wii tennis with the soft rackets. Kirihara jumps up and smashes his racket in the air. Renji swings a little. The shot on the screen is wide, and out of bounds.
"This is rigged," he says. "That shot was fifteen degrees too far to the right."
"Hah!" Kirihara pumps his fist. "Match point for ME! I'll beat you, senpai!" He starts to cackle. Renji narrows his eyes. He swings tighter to his body. The ball shoots across the net. Kirihara flails and dives. His mii swings aimlessly, and misses.
"Really, Akaya?" Renji asks.
"Shut up," he mumbles.
Renji lets him win anyway.
Kirihara walks him home. With each passing block, Renji's shoulders stiffen. He slows his pace. The moon is heavy, and bright.
"Wait." Kirihara sticks his fingers into Renji's pocket. They tickle. Renji leans into a cement wall.
Kirihara pulls out the button necklace.
"I can't wear it yet," Renji says.
Kirihara frowns. "No one will see under your uniform."
Renji closes his eyes. He has to pee, too. He shifts his weight. Finally, he whispers, "Okay."
Kirihara fumbles with the clasp. Renji says they should walk to the street lamp where he can see better. Renji holds it up in the orange phosphorescence. Kirihara rubs it between his fingers, and tucks it under Renji's shirt. It feels heavy, and light, all at once.
"Please wear it," Kirihara says. His eyes flicker.
Renji kisses him, light and long, until the first car drives by. Kirihara takes his hand off Renji's side.
In bed, Renji closes his eyes, and lies back on his pillow. His fingers spread across his stomach. Soon, he thinks.