FIC: Maybe Definitely, YanaKiri, NC17, 2/7
Title: Maybe Definitely (2/7)
Author: Ociwen
Wordcount: Long
Rating: NC17 overall
Disclaimer: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series, including ShinTenipuri.
Warning: Girl parts, and then some. Crude humour. Misogyny. The usual.
Summary: Renji wakes up as a girl.
Author's Notes: This is a one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa, Accidentally All Right, Push/Pull, and Big Brother. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together.
[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7]
If you like/love/loathe, please leave a comment to let me know.
Niou tiptoes across the courts. He has a Peach John shopping bag under his arm. Renji pushes a broom around. Jackal is still in the shower. Yukimura and Sanada rally on the third court.
"Can I ask your opinion?" Niou says. Yagyuu looks back from the school gate. He meets Niou's gaze. Then he runs out of sight. Niou's shoulders slump. "Since you're a guy and all."
Renji nods.
Niou pulls something purple from his bag. Then he pulls out polka-dot yellow, and then blue with black lace. Renji stops pushing the broom.
"Which is hotter, do you think?" Niou holds the bras up. The purple is filmy. The blue has a satin-sheen. The yellow has thick padding.
"Doesn't he like moss green best?" Renji asks.
Niou stuffs the bras back into the bag. "I have no idea who you are talking about!" he snaps.
***
Sadaharu phones.
"I have been unable to determine any causes besides the possibility of aliens."
Renji frowns. "I came to the same conclusion."
***
Kirihara lifts his t-shirt to wipe sweat from his face. Renji stops tying his shoelace. Kirihara's face turns red all over, and Renji thinks about cherries. And Kirihara's pale, flat stomach.
Renji sits at his desk in his bedroom. He thinks about writing in his notebook. Instead, he crawls into bed. He thinks about the sweat on Kirihara's upper lip, the pout of his lips, and his dark eyes.
***
Kirihara blurts out, "Do you wanna go on a date with me?"
Renji says yes. They stare at each other.
Kirihara clamps a hand over his mouth. He runs into the weight training room. Renji swings his racket three hundred times. He watches Marui chase Jackal around the courts. He watches Niou flip his t-shirt up to wipe non-existent sweat from his forehead. He watches Yagyuu excuse himself to the toilets. He watches Sanada and Yukimura watch the balls, and each other.
His insides feel hot.
Kirihara doesn't come out of the weight room until after the class bell rings.
***
Kirihara skips eating lunch with them.
Yagyuu isn't there either.
"Where is he?" Niou asks Sanada.
Sanada rolls his eyes. "He said he was sick last class and went to the nurses." Under his breath, he adds, "Lazyass."
Niou stands up.
Renji grabs his arm. Niou tries to shake him off. "Just gonna go check," Niou says.
"He's fine," Sanada says. "Where's Akaya?"
Yukimura says, "He emailed me and said he's got English homework."
Sanada scrunches up his forehead. He looks at Renji. He looks at Yukimura, and at Niou, who pouts. "Since when does he do his homework?"
Yukimura shrugs. "Maybe you should help him, Renji."
The cucumber salad sticks in Renji's throat. He coughs. "Aren't you better at English, Seiichi?"
"Yeah," he says. "But I'm busy after practices with Sanada."
The cucumber still won't go down. "Of…course."
Jackal leans over. "I wouldn't want to tutor Akaya either," he whispers.
"Niou," Renji says instead.
Niou's eyes move under his hair.
"I have a math test tomorrow. We can study tonight at your place."
After lunch, Renji sends Yagyuu an email. Let's study for math tonight.
There are no emails from Kirihara. Renji scrolls through his address book. When Kirihara's name is highlighted, he swallows.
***
Niou's house is homey. The garden is packed with as many stray daisies and overgrown hydrangeas as potted plants. His mother serves tea and shrimp chips and even little smiley-faced jellies, too. She asks if they need anything else from the store before she leaves. Renji sips the tea. He doesn't bother to open his math textbook.
Niou sits next to Yagyuu. Yagyuu squirms away.
Niou fixes his bra. The band snaps. Yagyuu fans his face with an uchiwa even harder.
Niou stretches his legs out. His skirt creeps up his thighs. Yagyuu turns a shade of green.
Renji flips his cellphone closed. "I think I've got the lesson now," he says. "I'll see you both tomorrow."
He walks home. Renji steps on three cicadas. The crunch is satisfying. Sadaharu emailed an hour ago. But there's nothing from Kirihara.
***
His sister has a late seminar. His mother is at the department store. His father is still at the office.
Renji sneaks around her room. He paws through the stack of Seventeens and NonNos. He slips the bottom issue into his shirt. It's six months old: she won't miss it.
He opens the top drawer of her dresser. He pulls one from the very back, hidden underneath other satin cups, and stuffs it into his pants.
Renji creeps back into his bedroom. He pushes his desk chair in front of the door.
He thumbs through the magazine. Fashion. Fashion. New styles of sunglasses for the season. Fashion. A spread of idols, in fashion. Q&A about tampons-he reads this. He reads the following pages, too. All about female orgasms. Renji sticks his hand down his underpants. He frowns.
He shoves the magazine under his bed, underneath a pile of back issues of Tennis Pro Weekly. Then he takes his top off. His nipples stiffen at the a/c. He rolls them between his fingers. Little sparks tingle in his belly.
The hooks are strange. The tight feeling around his ribs is strange. He looks in the mirror. The peach-coloured cups bunch. He doesn't have enough to fill them out. Renji turns. He sticks his chest out. "Akaya," he whispers. "What do you think?"
Crickets chirp outside. The a/c rattles near the ceiling.
He sighs.
***
Yagyuu and Niou don't talk all day. Niou skips tennis practice-morning and afternoon. Yukimura yells at Yagyuu. Yagyuu, white-faced, says he doesn't know where Niou is.
Renji works through another rep of shuttle runs. He smiles to himself, and thinks, So they finally confessed to each other.
"I'm three seconds off," Sanada says. He hands Renji the stopwatch. His breasts heave as he breathes.
Renji hums. "You have more…" He nods down. "Ah…wind resistance."
Sanada mumbles something about getting lazy. Renji pats him on the shoulder.
"It's to be expected," he says. "Game?" He looks around. Kirihara is playing with Yagyuu on the second court. He steps back. Laser, Renji thinks.
Instead, Yagyuu smashes the ball behind Kirihara.
Renji looks at Sanada. Sanada tosses a ball. "Let's go."
***
His sister has a chick flick on. She doesn't look up when he opens the fridge and pulls out the container of cold noodles.
"Hey," she says. "have you seen my peach bra? It's missing and you'd better not steal it. Mayu said her brother started to steal her bras and she found them under his pillow."
Renji pours a tea. "If I see it, I'll tell you," he says.
Her eyes don't leave Kimura Takuya on the tv screen. She grunts.
Renji pulls the bra out from under his mattress. He stuffs it into the back pocket of his tennis bag instead.
***
Kirihara waits by the brick gate. He digs a little hole in the grass with his toes. When Renji clears his throat, Kirihara flushes across to his ears.
"Well?" Renji asks.
Kirihara nods. He takes a deep breath. "Um, is a movie okay?"
Renji looks around. Traffic rushes past, but there's no one around. He nods.
"Okay," Kirihara mutters. "Okay." He wipes his hands on his pants. His lips move. "You can do this."
It's an action movie, with Bruce Willis or Tom Cruise, or some other middle-aged American actor. Kirihara buys the tickets. Renji folds it in half, and tucks it into his pocket. They stand in line for the popcorn and fantas. Renji pulls his wallet out.
Kirihara grabs it. "No! Girls don't-"
Renji purses his lips.
Kirihara winces. "I mean, it's my treat." He croaks out their order. Renji carries the drinks into the theatre. Kernels drop from the box of popcorn. Renji glances down to see Kirihara's hands shaking.
The seats are in the middle of the theatre. Renji doesn't say anything. He reaches for the popcorn. Kirihara squirms. He plays with his pockets. He jiggles his leg. As the lights darken, the space between them shrinks.
Renji thinks about Sanada and Yukimura holding hands at school. He thinks about Niou, who presses his breasts to Yagyuu's back at every opportunity. And Jackal, who sways his hips when he walks and gets wolf-whistles in the hallways. He thinks about everything other than the movie. Kirihara's eyes are glued to the explosions and the machine guns. Renji leans his knee over. His leg brushes Kirihara's. Kirihara stiffens. Renji moves his knee again. Kirihara wriggles to the edge of his seat.
Kirihara reaches for the popcorn. Renji does too. Kirihara jerks away.
The screen explodes with flames. Someone shouts "Motherfucking bastard!" at Bruce Willis. Kirihara mouths the words. His hand sits on his armrest.
Renji's heart flutters. His head is light, and he feels silly. He slides his hand over Kirihara's skin. Slowly, Kirihara turns his palm over. All sorts of different sparks explode between Renji's legs. He hasn't felt that since before. He squeezes their fingers together. It's hot and sweaty.
Kirihara looks at him. His eyes flicker in the changing scenes. Renji stares at the screen. Behind a handful of popcorn, he smiles.
***
They eat curry cutlets in a joint near the theatre. The kitchen is steamy and the portions are big. Renji orders the mild curry and spinach. Kirihara orders extra sauce. They sit side-by-side at the counter. Their knees bump together.
Renji holds Kirihara's hand when they walk home. A car drives by and honks. His chest tightens. So does Kirihara's hand.
At the end of Renji's street, they stop. The light is dying quickly behind the blue and scarlet clouds. The air is still and humid. Renji can feel his back getting sweatier under his tennis bag.
"Thank you," he says.
"So it was okay?" Kirihara says at the same time. He starts to laugh. Renji nods.
"But you can't tell anyone," Renji says.
Kirihara swears his won't. He stands there, looking up at Renji. His mouth is open as he breathes. Renji feels all swollen inside.
Renji pulls his hand away. He thinks, What would… but his mouth is there already. He presses their lips together.
"Thank you," he whispers. Renji runs home and slams the door. He shuts the door of his bedroom, and he lies back on his bed. His fingers slither between his legs, under his underpants. He's hot and he aches. Renji bites his lip, but he doesn't know what to do.
He doesn't remember to write in his notebook until morning.
***
Jackal and Niou are talking in the girls' bathroom. Renji takes a step closer.
"-yeah, my sister's magazine showed me how."
A pause. A toilet flushes. "Really?"
"It's all about technique."
"Like tennis."
"Yeah, but with something called a clit. A mini dick."
"So our dicks didn't disappear, they shrunk."
"That still doesn't explain the pussy."
"Or the tits."
Sanada asks Renji what he's doing. Renji whips his head around. Sanada frowns. "Are you waiting for…?"
Renji hums. He strains to listen, but the voices stop. Niou and Jackal walk out, both wearing the same shade of lip gloss. Jackal zips up a Hello Kitty case. Renji raises his eyebrows. "More makeup?" he asks.
Jackal practically giggles.
"You're too young for that stuff!" Sanada says.
A smirk slithers over Niou's lips. He slides an arm over Sanada's shoulder. "Ne, Gen-chan? Yukimura told me he really, really likes lip gloss." Sanada freezes. Niou's smile sharpens. "He said he wants to lick it off your-"
Sanada slaps Niou across the cheek.
But Sanada shows up to afternoon tennis practice with glossy lips.
***
According to Seventeen, he is not supposed to call for three days.
After five, Renji emails. How was your english quiz?
Kirihara doesn't email. Sadaharu does.
***
Renji says good morning. Kirihara's eyes pop out. He starts to say "Good morning" in return, but his voice breaks. Niou laughs at him. Marui says he's finally becoming a man.
"Help me with the machine," Renji tells him.
Kirihara trips over his shoelaces. Renji leans down to offer a hand. Kirihara jerks away. He brushes gravel from his knees.
"I'll hit first," Renji says.
Kirihara stands behind the machine. The balls are rhythmic and slow. Renji switches from forehand to back hand. He barely moves his feet. The cicadas are still out, but he's barely breaking a sweat.
"Faster!" he shouts.
Kirihara makes a high-pitched noise. The balls come quicker. Renji warms his calves a bit. His muscles work. His forearms and biceps feel the tension. It feels good when the sweat starts to bead on his face.
"Harder!" he yells.
Kirihara says something unintelligible. Renji shakes his head. He can see Kirihara fumbling with the machine. He's red-faced and turned away. Moths fly around Renji's insides. He thinks about last night, and his fingers up his cunt. He thinks about Kirihara's fingers, now on the machine dials.
The first ball zooms past his racket.
***
He pictures Kirihara in the showers. He's naked. Water rolls over his tanned arms and legs. Kirihara has shampoo swirls in his hair. He reaches down for his dick-
Renji sucks a breath in. Something explodes in his belly. He bucks. His body stops. His heart skips. He shakes all over as every nerve in his cunt pulses.
He flops back against his pillow.
There are still no emails from Kirihara.
***
He sits on the bench with Sanada and Yukimura at morning practice.
"Akaya's form is terrible," Yukimura says. "How many balls has he roofed?"
Renji doesn't know.
"Thirty-four," Sanada says. Another ball sails over their heads. "Thirty-five."
Yukimura purses his lips. "We'll have to have a little chat with him."
***
Kirihara drags his feet to afternoon practice. A piece of paper flies out of his bag. Renji picks it up. There's a fat red 26 at the top of his English test.
Yukimura leans over Renji's shoulder. He snatches the test, and stomps back into the clubhouse. Renji follows him.
"This is unacceptable," Yukimura says. He shoves the test under Kirihara's nose. Kirihara has his t-shirt up to his elbows. The muscles in his shoulders tighten. Renji feels warm.
"Tarundoru," Sanada says.
"If you think you can be captain next year with these marks, think again!" Yukimura shouts. "You have to represent not only your team, but your school!"
"And the glorious nation of Japan!" Jackal whispers.
Yukimura shoots him a glare.
"You forgot the Emperor!" Marui hisses.
Yukimura glares at him, too.
"Well, Akaya?"
Kirihara He starts to shrink as he laughs. "I-uh…"
"You can come study at my house," Renji says. The moths in his chest are back. His heart presses against his ribs.
Kirihara shakes his head. He grabs his test from Yukimura. "No! No, it's okay! I swear!" He bows low. "I promise I'll never fail aga-"
Yukimura pulls him up. "We've broken enough promises on this team," he says. No one moves. The rusty fan rattles in the corner. Renji holds his breath.
"Renjii's right," Yukimura says. Sanada looks down his nose at Kirihara. With his boobs, he doesn't have the same effect anymore.
Renji nods. "I'll help."
Kirihara sinks to the floor.
***
In Biology, Renji doesn't copy the overhead notes. He flips his cellphone open under his desk. The Seventeen website is useless. He doesn't want to download new Poupee hats.
He sits in the rooftop garden at lunch. He throws out the school's macaroni salad, and all three of the cheese croquettes, too. His stomach growls. Renji sips on a tea from the vending machine. Yukimura and Sanada are necking by the irises. Renji shakes his head.
He looks across at the tennis courts. Kirihara's not there.
***
Kirihara takes extra long in the shower. Renji sits on a bench outside. He has the new Ogawa novel on his knee, but he doesn't open it. Jackal bangs on the clubhouse door. "Are you DONE YET?" he shouts.
Niou sticks his head through the window. "If you don't hurry up, we're coming in! NAKED GIRLS!"
Sanada paces. He mutters under his breath. Kirihara runs out of the clubhouse. His hair drips down his shirt. His tie is knotted backwards. He cringes at Sanada's cuff. He winces at Niou sticking his chest out.
Renji stands up. His knees shake a little. "Well?"
Kirihara balls his fists for a moment. Then he looks up, and says, "Okay, but I gotta get my bike."
Kirihara grips his handlebars so tight, his knuckles are white. He doesn't talk. Renji thinks about asking which chapter Kirihara is studying, but he never does. Honeyed sun streams over the packed rows of houses.
The shadow next to him disappears. Renji turns around. Kirihara is a half-block back. He holds one palm to the cement retaining wall. His bike leans sideways. Renji's insides are twisted when Kirihara shuffles up the hill.
"Akaya?" he asks. Kirihara says nothing. Renji offers a smile.
The gate creeks when Renji swings it open. The car park is empty. His mother's bicycle is gone, too. Kirihara sets his bike against the side of the house.
Renji fumbles on the key. Kirihara sets his bags beside the potted palm. He takes a heavy breath. Renji's mouth is dry. He takes a step up the first stair. He glances back. Kirihara is right behind him now.
Kirihara has been here before, a few times. Renji thinks that he should have picked up some of the dirty clothes. He should have made his bed. He asks Kirihara if he would like some tea. Kirihara says nothing.
"What chapter are you working on?" Renji asks. He leans down to sit on his bed. Kirihara tackles him from the side. There's a foot in his knee. Renji falls onto the mattress. His body is on fire. There's an erection pressed to his leg. Renji can't breathe. He moves his head. Their noses brush. He remembers the first kiss. He slides his tongue into Kirihara's mouth. Kirihara moans.
Hands fumble with his tie. Renji pulls at the buttons of Kirihara's shirt. They kiss, and gasp, and Kirihara peels Renji's shirt off. Renji sits back on his knees. Kirihara sits up, too. He licks the side of Renji's face. "Senpai…" he whispers. His hands are on Renji's hips. They knead his skin through his pants. Renji starts to moan, too.
Kirihara pulls away.
Then Kirihara licks his nipples. Renji bites his lip. His cunt burns. Kirihara pushes him down. His tongue weaves little patterns. Renji digs his fingers into Kirihara's hair. There's a sharp bite to his nipple. He smacks Kirihara on the ear.
Kirihara ducks his head. "I-sorry." He starts to laugh.
Renji takes a deep breath. His lips are swollen. His thigh burns where Kirihara's erection was pressed. His cunt tingles, too. His legs aren't steady as he unbuckles his belt. Kirihara digs his hands into the sheets.
"Akaya," Renji says. He steps out of his y-fronts. He kisses Kirihara, who lets Renji tugs his pants down, and his boxers, too.
Renji eases into the sweaty hands on his hips. He's coiled up tight inside, and his breath catches. It's not pain, per se. He's stretched and hot and wet and Kirihara slides deeper. Someone shouts. Someone moans. Renji rocks on Kirihara's dick. He moves faster, and faster. Sensations explode inside. His body shivers. His heart pounds. Kirihara thrusts hard. Renji squeezes himself around Kirihara. Kirihara digs his nails into Renji's hips, and he comes.
They're pressed, hip to hip, and chest to chest. Renji touches the damp curls of Kirihara's hair. Kirihara whispers three, thick words in his ear. Something wet slides down Renji's temple into the pillow.
***
Renji opens the window. It smells of ozone. Under the orange street lamps, the first rain water glows.
He writes down in his notebook. Kirihara curls into the depression in the middle of his bed. His mouth hangs open with sleep. Renji rubs his arms. The skin is cool with the a/c on.
When he lies back down, Kirihara stirs. The bed is too narrow for two. Kirihara rolls a little to the side. He cracks open an eye.
"Senpai…" he whispers. "Was it…was I…?"
Renji presses his lips to Kirihara's mouth. Their breathing falls in perfect unison.
***
The next afternoon, Kirihara waits by the school gate.
Renji smiles. "Are you waiting for someone, Akaya?"
"Uh…" Kirihara scratches the side of his head. He laughs a little. "Uh, English is really important to know." His voice gets louder. Jackal walks by, and says good night.
"We should study harder," Renji says.
Kirihara licks his lips. "Yeah."
Before Renji closes his bedroom door, Kirihara has his hands under Renji's shirt.
***
Sometimes they do study English. Renji earns a fat, bloody 65 written across the top of his test. He tucks it into his notebook, and says nothing when Sanada asks about his mark.
"Parse, 'to go'," he says.
Kirihara looks up from Renji's navel. He blinks. "Um…I go?"
Renji hums. Kirihara kisses his hip. Renji sucks in a breath. He tightens his leg around Kirihara's ribs. He rubs his cunt against Kirihara's chest. "And then?"
"You go," Kirihara says. He kisses the inside of Renji's thigh. Renji shivers. He digs his fingers into Kirihara's shoulder. Kirihara's tongue slides over his other thigh, right up to his cunt. Renji gasps. He squeezes his pussy around Kirihara's finger. He's aching.
"You know," Kirihara says. His finger wiggles inside. Renji bites his lip. His body shudders. Don't beg, he thinks. Don't, don't beg.
The fingers stroke something. Renji tenses all over. His legs twitch and tighten and he bucks up. He wants to spread his legs and squeeze his knees together all at once. He rides the waves that rock through his muscles.
Kirihara whispers, "I'd rather parse, 'to come', senpai."
***
Renji draws the yoga formation on the chalk board. "Hold it for ten, and exhale," he says.
Marui wheezes on his mat. Renji walks past Kirihara. Kirihara looks through his legs. Renji doesn't smile. "You're doing it wrong, Akaya," he says. His eyes linger on Kirihara's butt sticking up in the air. Renji touches Kirihara's hip. Kirihara tenses. He's hard.
"Higher," Renji says.
"It h-urts," Marui whines. He collapses onto the floor. "Jack-al…I need your…h-elp!"
"You sound like a lovesick crackhead," Jackal says. He stretches his hips further back. "That should teach you for singing from the roof."
"K…esha…" Marui gasps.
"What?"
Marui coughs. "I prefer someone…class-ier, Jackal…like…Miley…"
Jackal facepalms. He falls flat on his face on his mat. Renji tells him to hold his pose next time. He looks back at Kirihara. Sweat slithers down his red face. He shifts, and his glutes move. Renji's insides wither.
"We going to do the doggie style next?" Niou asks. Renji blinks. Yagyuu falls face-first into his mat.
***
The room smells like popcorn, and sex. Renji swirls the bitter taste around his mouth. He thinks, Interesting. Kirihara touches his arm. He's still awake.
Renji glances to the clock. Kirihara pulls Renji close. A tongue slides over his. Renji moans. He climbs over Kirihara's hips. His dick is half-hard. Renji rubs his cunt over it to make Kirihara whimper.
He rubs slower until he hits the sweet spot. He hisses. Kirihara reaches down. His fingers work Renji's clit. Kirihara's fingers are fast, and good. Renji whispers, "Not yet…"
Kirihara slides inside, deep. Renji rocks his hips. His breath catches, and he comes.
When Kirihara's breathing softens, Renji climbs off the bed. He steps on something plastic and hard. He picks up three pieces of Gundam, and sets them on Kirihara's desk.
Kirihara sleeps with his mouth open. His drool glistens. Renji shuts his notebook, and stretches out beside him. He pulls Kirihara's arm over his shoulders. He takes a deep breath-Kirihara smells like sweat and sex and soap and the rubber of tennis balls. He whispers, "I love you…" and Renji can't tell if he's asleep or not.
His insides ache all night.
***
On Kirihara's birthday, Marui says, "Let's go to the arcade!" Even Sanada comes. He hangs around the UFO catcher with Renji. University-aged guys walk past. Their eyes lower to Sanada's chest. Sanada crosses his arms. His cleavage deepens.
Yukimura loses a Nascar race to Jackal. He stomps over to Sanada, and then he blows 2000 yen trying to catch a limited edition Disney plushie with the catcher.
Niou throws a dart. "Triple ring," he says.
Kirihara makes a face. He sticks out his tongue, and chews on it. Renji's mouth is dry. Yukimura curses that he's lost another hundred yen. Kirihara throws his dart, and it bounces off the board.
Kirihara pouts when Niou holds out his hand. He hands over a thousand yen note. Yagyuu tells Niou it's not very nice of him. Niou rolls his eyes, and says, "Puri."
The humidity melts them on the walk to the shopping arcade, where cheap ramen joints punctuate stationary and sock shops, fashionable t-shirts stands and an ABCmart. Jackal disappears into a shop selling hair extension clip-ons. Marui offers to go get him.
Renji does it instead.
He finds Jackal at the shop counter with yellow barrettes, ribbon hairbands, and clip-in strands of pink and brown. Jackal says, "Um…"
Renji frowns.
"I'd share with you, but it'd be kinda gay," Jackal says.
Renji's looks at Jackal. Jackal looks at him. His skin crawls under his shirt, especially around his breasts and hips. His pants feel too tight as they walk back through the arcade corridor. The heat pushes down. Renji walks faster.
At the ramen shop, Renji sits at the far end, across from Jackal. He swirls the ice around in his cup. He doesn't look at Kirihara. Kiriharas laugh at Marui's Rafael Nadal jokes. Renji takes a deep breath, but he can't smell anything except the fruity perfume Jackal has on.
He takes a bite of his ramen noodles, and his stomach turns.
Sanada and Yukimura leave first. As soon as they're outside the shop, Yukimura takes Sanada's hand. Niou pretends to gag.
Yagyuu pays for his ramen, and Niou's too. Niou lets out a long belch of "Happy Birthday". He follows Yagyuu out the door.
"Guess it's just us four singletons," Marui says. He looks at Jackal. "For now."
Renji says nothing. Jackal sighs. "All right, I have shopping to do," he says.
Marui stands up. "I'll accompany you."
"Tampon shopping?" Jackal asks. Marui's jaw hangs open.
Jackal's skirt swishes behind him. Marui hesitates a moment, then he runs out after him. Renji can hear him call Jackal's name through the window of the ramen shop.
He turns around.
Kirihara's eyes are black. His lips are parted.
When they get to Kirihara's apartment, Kirihara runs up the stairs. Renji rips off his tie in the dark hallway. He's naked and straining under Kirihara before the front door clicks shut.
They don't make it past the couch.
***
The weather cools enough that the a/c is barely on. The curtains are closed, but there is still enough light that Renji can see Kirihara's erection, and the muscles of his butt. He kisses Kirihara harder. He rubs his fingers over Kirihara's hip.
He lets Kirihara take off his shirt. He lets Kirihara wiggle his fingers down his pants, and his y-fronts, too. Kirihara strokes the inside of Renji's knee. Renji groans. Kirihara licks his bellybutton. Renji digs his hands into Kirihara's hair. Renji spreads his legs wider. He whispers Kirihara's name. Kirihara licks him all over, until Renji's eyes roll back.
"I wanna hear you," Kirihara says. Renji arches his back. His body flushes with heat, and spasms. He jerks Kirihara off, after. Kirihara doesn't last more than three strokes.
Renji sighs.
His skin is warm where Kirihara pressed against him. "Twelve minutes," he says. He writes the number in his notebook, and spoons back against Kirihara's chest.
His eyes are too heavy, his body is liquid and boneless boneless. He is vaguely aware of the mattress creaking. Kirihara moves from his side.
Then he hears a sharp "Fuck". He opens his eyes to see Kirihara at his desk. The notebook is open. Renji opens his mouth, but he can't breathe. Kirihara pulls his clothes on. He grabs his bag. The door slams before Renji has on his underpants.
Renji's hands shake so badly he can barely pull on his tennis shorts, and his school uniform shirt. He runs out the front door without shoes on. Hot tears ruin his vision. He tries to yell "AKAYA!", but the sound dies on his tongue.
There's no one on the street. There's not even an echo.
***
It rains for the better part of a week.
Renji tells his mom he has a cold. He skips school. Sanada sends emails asking if he is all right. Yukimura sends an email asking Renji where the match schedule is. Kirihara blocks his number.
Renji tears up his notebook and throws the pieces onto the roof. They swell, and disintegrate in the rain. He leaves his window open and shivers all night. He sends more emails to Kirihara. They all bounce back. He tries calling, too. This number is out of service. Please try again-
On the second morning his mom presses her hand to his forehead. She says he's fine, and he can go to school. Renji pulls the facemask off when he rounds the block. One of the spokes of his umbrella snaps. Rain drips onto his arm.
Kirihara is at practice. He and Yagyuu are the only regulars running laps. Niou stands under the eaves of the clubhouse. He lifts the side of his umbrella and nods. Renji shifts his hands on the handle of his umbrella.
The look in Kirihara's eyes is murder. Renji can't breathe. Any words die in his mouth. Kirihara runs past, panting hard. His pupils are lost in his glower. Renji shrinks back against the side of the clubhouse.
Kirihara has the upper hand. He knows, and he could tell anyone, any time. Renji tries to email Kirihara in the middle of literature class. He clutches his cellphone.
Another bounce.
His shoulders sink. Rain patters at the window.
***
On Friday, there's no morning tennis practice. Yukimura emailed last night to say that he's might hand over his keys next week. Renji touches his chest. He loosens his tie a little, too. He looks down the hallway.
Kirihara has his bag slung over his shoulder. He plows through two senior girls, who shriek at him. He curls his lip. Then he lifts his head. Renji digs his nails into his textbook cover.
Kirihara's eyes widen. They burn into Renji's chest. All the hairs on his body stiffen.
Kirihara walks right past him, and doesn't say a word.
***
When Yukimura gives Kirihara the keys to the clubhouse everyone slaps Kirihara on the shoulder. Marui high-fives him. Jackal says, "Buchou." Sanada just says, "Don't fuck up."
Renji thinks, It's over.
He calls Sadaharu that night. "Are you busy this weekend?"
Sadaharu makes a noise in the back of his throat. "I can meet you Sunday afternoon."
***
They meet in the subway station. Sadaharu has a single bandage on the left side of his face. Renji's stomach knots up. He keeps his hands loose at his hips. He tries to walk normally. The sweater he's wearing is too warm for today. It hangs off his body, though.
"Ah, Renji," Sadaharu says. "It's been forty-nine days."
Renji nods once. "How…are you?" he asks. Sadaharu touches his bandage. Renji looks away.
The bookstore is busy. Sadaharu heads for the magazines, and emerges with a stack.
Renji raises his eyebrows.
Sadaharu says, "They mention the Nationals matches."
"You have a scrapbook."
Sadaharu's lips twitch. "Data."
"Scrapbook."
"We won."
Renji winces. "Touché."
They walk through the underground mall leading back to the subway station. There's a bra shop on the right, and on the left, three stores selling purses and accessories. A girl with bleached hair is at the cashier of the last. She starts to turn her head. Renji walks faster. He ducks into a donburi joint around the corner. He sits at the far table, behind a group of middle-aged men under a cloud of cigarette smoke.
Bile rises. Renji closes his eyes. His hand slides over his stomach. Sadaharu sits across from him. He pushes his glasses up. "Renji?"
Renji loosens his shoulders. "The donburi here is good."
"Aa."
"Your team is done for the season."
"Kaidoh is captain."
"Your kouhai."
"Yes. Rikkai changed captains last week."
Renji tightens his grip on his mug of tea. "Yes."
"Kirihara Akaya."
"Yes," Renji says. He exhales, holds it for three, and breathes in. Sadaharu eats a slice of his porkchop.
"And your former teammates remain female."
Renji stares at Sadaharu. Sadaharu takes a swig from a PET bottle, then a sip of his tea. "Yes," Renji says. "I haven't determined the cause for this…"
Sadaharu cringes when Renji says, "Vaginitis." Renji does too. His insides sink.
If no one knows, it's not real.
***
He goes to the student council meetings every Wednesday lunch, and Thursday after school. Sanada and Yukimura still practice tennis most days before and after school. Renji goes to the library instead. He sits by the window and looks down at the green courts. He pushes the windows open. Crisp autumn air rustles his papers. He listens to Kirihara shouting out laps, and screaming out orders. Kirihara never looks up.
They meet up for Yagyuu's birthday. Niou shows up in a one-suit. He picks wedgies all through karaoke. Renji sits across the booth from Kirihara. Kirihara glares at his Pepsi. Marui sings ballad after ballad. He butchers Miley, and he warbles Whitney Houston until Jackal throws a PET bottle. It hits Marui in the forehead.
They spend the rest of the evening in the emergency room waiting area. Renji rubs his knees with his palms. Kirihara curls up, two rows away, and sleeps. His breathing isn't even. Every once in a while, the back of Renji's neck prickles. He looks over. Kirihara's eyes are closed.
Marui gets two stitches.
Jackal agrees to hold his hand on the train home.
Renji walks alone in the dark. He pukes up the ramen on the pavement. The hot, bitter smell follows him home.
***
"I have a theory," Sadaharu says.
"What?"
"Karma."
Renji sets his pen down. He rubs his temples. He thinks of Sadaharu's bandage. He closes his eyes, and says, "There's no scientific proof."
But he doesn't disagree, either.
***
Yukimura says, "Get your lazyass on the tennis courts-we have the Invitationals in two weeks."
Renji closes his textbook. Yukimura stands beside Sanada, who frowns.
"The coach informed you, then," Renji says.
Yukimura nods.
Renji looks at Sanada's chest. "This could be…awkward." Sanada's frown deepens. Yukimura glances at Sanada. His eyes drift down. Sanada says, "Eyes up."
"Exactly," Renji says. "There will be a couple hundred teenage boys at the training camp."
Sanada's face whitens. Yukimura sputters. "But…but Sanada's my girlfriend."
Marui pops out from behind the biology aisle. "You need to mark your territory, Seiichi," he says. He holds his fist out. "Defend your honour. And your girlfriend."
"Defend my girlfriend!" Yukimura bumps Marui's fist.
Sanada smacks them both.
***
Renji adjusts the speed dial on the ball machine. He sets the timer for ten seconds.
"Does defending your honour include stalking?" he asks Marui.
Marui roofs the ball.
***
On Jackal's birthday, they all go to a Brazilian buffet. Marui offers to pay for Jackal. "My treat, my lovely lady lumps," he says. He looks at the menu. His eyes bulge.
"Thanks," Jackal says. "This'll save me 5000. I can buy that new flat iron I wanted."
Niou narrows his eyes. "You sharing?"
"We can have a sleepover," Jackal says. He looks at Sanada. Sanada narrows his eyes, too.
Renji stacks his plate. He goes back three times. Jackal rolls onto the floor after one round. Yagyuu unbuckles his belt after two. Yukimura steals Sanada's leftovers. He finishes with belch, and holds up his white napkin in defeat.
Marui and Kirihara come back with more meat. Kirihara glares at his stacked plate. He shoves piece after piece into his mouth.
"You won't be number one at this," Marui says. He digs his chopsticks in.
Renji stands up.
"Are you done?" Niou moans from the floor. He hiccups. Then he cups his hands over his mouth, and runs to the toilets.
Renji's stomach gurgles. He shrugs, and gets another plate. He ladles over cheese sauce, and Tabasco, and sits back down.
Marui's mouth hangs open. Half-chewed meat drops onto his plate. "I underestimated you," he says.
Renji smiles-until Kirihara looks at him.
His shoulders sink.
***
Jackal doesn't show up to afternoon practice. Marui drags his feet during laps. He huffs when Yukimura tells him to work on swings with Kirihara.
"In-vi-tational!" Yukimura says. "We're not done for the season yet!"
"Except the fact we officially retired last month," Niou mutters.
Marui sighs. He turns to Kirihara, and moans. "He's not even answering my emails!"
"Time of the month?" Renji asks. His hands feel cold. He pulls his sleeves over his fingers. Renji looks at Niou.
Niou whistles. He plays with the zipper of his coat. "I'm irregular."
"I didn't want to know about that," Renji says.
"Thought the data man wanted all the juicy details," Niou says.
Renji doesn't respond. The first and second-years lunge and do jumping jacks on the main courts. Kirihara screams at them. Yukimura doesn't pay any attention. He yells at Sanada to serve faster, and harder, and don't be a pussy with his backhand.
Marui swoons instead of swinging. "Jackal, oh Jackal, I don't love the way you lie!"
Renji raises his eyebrows. Marui slumps onto the bench. When Kirihara runs to Yukimura, Renji looks away. There's someone in the window of the biology lab on the third floor.
Inside the school some of the classroom doors are open. The trivia club, and the travel club must be meeting. A group of second years in tight t-shirts and shorts walk past. Their t-shirts read Rikkai Rhythmic Gymnastics. Renji snorts. The captain glares.
Renji knocks on the lab door. No one answers, so he slides it open. Something rustles behind the bench at the back of the room.
Jackal wipes his eyes, and looks up.
"Oh, it's you," he mumbles. He sniffles. He blows his nose into a handkerchief.
Renji crouches down. "Are you…?"
Jackal keeps crying. Renji shifts his weight onto his other foot.
"Why-why did this happen?" Jackal asks. Mucus slithers down from his nose. Renji tries not to cringe. "I don't…" Jackal wipes at his face. "I don't want this."
Renji sits down. Jackal rubs his face with the handkerchief again. "I don't want this," he mumbles. "I…I don't even know if I'm a girl, or a boy, or some…freaking chick with a former dick!"
Renji puts his hand on Jackal's shoulder. He doesn't know what to say. His eyes sting a little, and his throat is tight.
"Like…do I like girls now? Or should I like boys?" Jackal snorts a really big wad. Renji winces when Jackal swallows it. "I still like my Gisele poster, but sometimes…when Bunta sings Justin Bieber songs, it's…" He shakes his head. Renji pats his shoulder once or twice.
"I don't know…what I am…" Jackal's voice trails off into a sob. He shakes his head in his hands.
"I'm sorry," Renji whispers.
***
He sits in the bathtub. Water laps at his chin. He dunks his head a little lower, until the surface brushes his nostrils. The water ripples.
If no one knows, it's not real.
Author: Ociwen
Wordcount: Long
Rating: NC17 overall
Disclaimer: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series, including ShinTenipuri.
Warning: Girl parts, and then some. Crude humour. Misogyny. The usual.
Summary: Renji wakes up as a girl.
Author's Notes: This is a one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa, Accidentally All Right, Push/Pull, and Big Brother. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together.
[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7]
If you like/love/loathe, please leave a comment to let me know.
Niou tiptoes across the courts. He has a Peach John shopping bag under his arm. Renji pushes a broom around. Jackal is still in the shower. Yukimura and Sanada rally on the third court.
"Can I ask your opinion?" Niou says. Yagyuu looks back from the school gate. He meets Niou's gaze. Then he runs out of sight. Niou's shoulders slump. "Since you're a guy and all."
Renji nods.
Niou pulls something purple from his bag. Then he pulls out polka-dot yellow, and then blue with black lace. Renji stops pushing the broom.
"Which is hotter, do you think?" Niou holds the bras up. The purple is filmy. The blue has a satin-sheen. The yellow has thick padding.
"Doesn't he like moss green best?" Renji asks.
Niou stuffs the bras back into the bag. "I have no idea who you are talking about!" he snaps.
***
Sadaharu phones.
"I have been unable to determine any causes besides the possibility of aliens."
Renji frowns. "I came to the same conclusion."
***
Kirihara lifts his t-shirt to wipe sweat from his face. Renji stops tying his shoelace. Kirihara's face turns red all over, and Renji thinks about cherries. And Kirihara's pale, flat stomach.
Renji sits at his desk in his bedroom. He thinks about writing in his notebook. Instead, he crawls into bed. He thinks about the sweat on Kirihara's upper lip, the pout of his lips, and his dark eyes.
***
Kirihara blurts out, "Do you wanna go on a date with me?"
Renji says yes. They stare at each other.
Kirihara clamps a hand over his mouth. He runs into the weight training room. Renji swings his racket three hundred times. He watches Marui chase Jackal around the courts. He watches Niou flip his t-shirt up to wipe non-existent sweat from his forehead. He watches Yagyuu excuse himself to the toilets. He watches Sanada and Yukimura watch the balls, and each other.
His insides feel hot.
Kirihara doesn't come out of the weight room until after the class bell rings.
***
Kirihara skips eating lunch with them.
Yagyuu isn't there either.
"Where is he?" Niou asks Sanada.
Sanada rolls his eyes. "He said he was sick last class and went to the nurses." Under his breath, he adds, "Lazyass."
Niou stands up.
Renji grabs his arm. Niou tries to shake him off. "Just gonna go check," Niou says.
"He's fine," Sanada says. "Where's Akaya?"
Yukimura says, "He emailed me and said he's got English homework."
Sanada scrunches up his forehead. He looks at Renji. He looks at Yukimura, and at Niou, who pouts. "Since when does he do his homework?"
Yukimura shrugs. "Maybe you should help him, Renji."
The cucumber salad sticks in Renji's throat. He coughs. "Aren't you better at English, Seiichi?"
"Yeah," he says. "But I'm busy after practices with Sanada."
The cucumber still won't go down. "Of…course."
Jackal leans over. "I wouldn't want to tutor Akaya either," he whispers.
"Niou," Renji says instead.
Niou's eyes move under his hair.
"I have a math test tomorrow. We can study tonight at your place."
After lunch, Renji sends Yagyuu an email. Let's study for math tonight.
There are no emails from Kirihara. Renji scrolls through his address book. When Kirihara's name is highlighted, he swallows.
***
Niou's house is homey. The garden is packed with as many stray daisies and overgrown hydrangeas as potted plants. His mother serves tea and shrimp chips and even little smiley-faced jellies, too. She asks if they need anything else from the store before she leaves. Renji sips the tea. He doesn't bother to open his math textbook.
Niou sits next to Yagyuu. Yagyuu squirms away.
Niou fixes his bra. The band snaps. Yagyuu fans his face with an uchiwa even harder.
Niou stretches his legs out. His skirt creeps up his thighs. Yagyuu turns a shade of green.
Renji flips his cellphone closed. "I think I've got the lesson now," he says. "I'll see you both tomorrow."
He walks home. Renji steps on three cicadas. The crunch is satisfying. Sadaharu emailed an hour ago. But there's nothing from Kirihara.
***
His sister has a late seminar. His mother is at the department store. His father is still at the office.
Renji sneaks around her room. He paws through the stack of Seventeens and NonNos. He slips the bottom issue into his shirt. It's six months old: she won't miss it.
He opens the top drawer of her dresser. He pulls one from the very back, hidden underneath other satin cups, and stuffs it into his pants.
Renji creeps back into his bedroom. He pushes his desk chair in front of the door.
He thumbs through the magazine. Fashion. Fashion. New styles of sunglasses for the season. Fashion. A spread of idols, in fashion. Q&A about tampons-he reads this. He reads the following pages, too. All about female orgasms. Renji sticks his hand down his underpants. He frowns.
He shoves the magazine under his bed, underneath a pile of back issues of Tennis Pro Weekly. Then he takes his top off. His nipples stiffen at the a/c. He rolls them between his fingers. Little sparks tingle in his belly.
The hooks are strange. The tight feeling around his ribs is strange. He looks in the mirror. The peach-coloured cups bunch. He doesn't have enough to fill them out. Renji turns. He sticks his chest out. "Akaya," he whispers. "What do you think?"
Crickets chirp outside. The a/c rattles near the ceiling.
He sighs.
***
Yagyuu and Niou don't talk all day. Niou skips tennis practice-morning and afternoon. Yukimura yells at Yagyuu. Yagyuu, white-faced, says he doesn't know where Niou is.
Renji works through another rep of shuttle runs. He smiles to himself, and thinks, So they finally confessed to each other.
"I'm three seconds off," Sanada says. He hands Renji the stopwatch. His breasts heave as he breathes.
Renji hums. "You have more…" He nods down. "Ah…wind resistance."
Sanada mumbles something about getting lazy. Renji pats him on the shoulder.
"It's to be expected," he says. "Game?" He looks around. Kirihara is playing with Yagyuu on the second court. He steps back. Laser, Renji thinks.
Instead, Yagyuu smashes the ball behind Kirihara.
Renji looks at Sanada. Sanada tosses a ball. "Let's go."
***
His sister has a chick flick on. She doesn't look up when he opens the fridge and pulls out the container of cold noodles.
"Hey," she says. "have you seen my peach bra? It's missing and you'd better not steal it. Mayu said her brother started to steal her bras and she found them under his pillow."
Renji pours a tea. "If I see it, I'll tell you," he says.
Her eyes don't leave Kimura Takuya on the tv screen. She grunts.
Renji pulls the bra out from under his mattress. He stuffs it into the back pocket of his tennis bag instead.
***
Kirihara waits by the brick gate. He digs a little hole in the grass with his toes. When Renji clears his throat, Kirihara flushes across to his ears.
"Well?" Renji asks.
Kirihara nods. He takes a deep breath. "Um, is a movie okay?"
Renji looks around. Traffic rushes past, but there's no one around. He nods.
"Okay," Kirihara mutters. "Okay." He wipes his hands on his pants. His lips move. "You can do this."
It's an action movie, with Bruce Willis or Tom Cruise, or some other middle-aged American actor. Kirihara buys the tickets. Renji folds it in half, and tucks it into his pocket. They stand in line for the popcorn and fantas. Renji pulls his wallet out.
Kirihara grabs it. "No! Girls don't-"
Renji purses his lips.
Kirihara winces. "I mean, it's my treat." He croaks out their order. Renji carries the drinks into the theatre. Kernels drop from the box of popcorn. Renji glances down to see Kirihara's hands shaking.
The seats are in the middle of the theatre. Renji doesn't say anything. He reaches for the popcorn. Kirihara squirms. He plays with his pockets. He jiggles his leg. As the lights darken, the space between them shrinks.
Renji thinks about Sanada and Yukimura holding hands at school. He thinks about Niou, who presses his breasts to Yagyuu's back at every opportunity. And Jackal, who sways his hips when he walks and gets wolf-whistles in the hallways. He thinks about everything other than the movie. Kirihara's eyes are glued to the explosions and the machine guns. Renji leans his knee over. His leg brushes Kirihara's. Kirihara stiffens. Renji moves his knee again. Kirihara wriggles to the edge of his seat.
Kirihara reaches for the popcorn. Renji does too. Kirihara jerks away.
The screen explodes with flames. Someone shouts "Motherfucking bastard!" at Bruce Willis. Kirihara mouths the words. His hand sits on his armrest.
Renji's heart flutters. His head is light, and he feels silly. He slides his hand over Kirihara's skin. Slowly, Kirihara turns his palm over. All sorts of different sparks explode between Renji's legs. He hasn't felt that since before. He squeezes their fingers together. It's hot and sweaty.
Kirihara looks at him. His eyes flicker in the changing scenes. Renji stares at the screen. Behind a handful of popcorn, he smiles.
***
They eat curry cutlets in a joint near the theatre. The kitchen is steamy and the portions are big. Renji orders the mild curry and spinach. Kirihara orders extra sauce. They sit side-by-side at the counter. Their knees bump together.
Renji holds Kirihara's hand when they walk home. A car drives by and honks. His chest tightens. So does Kirihara's hand.
At the end of Renji's street, they stop. The light is dying quickly behind the blue and scarlet clouds. The air is still and humid. Renji can feel his back getting sweatier under his tennis bag.
"Thank you," he says.
"So it was okay?" Kirihara says at the same time. He starts to laugh. Renji nods.
"But you can't tell anyone," Renji says.
Kirihara swears his won't. He stands there, looking up at Renji. His mouth is open as he breathes. Renji feels all swollen inside.
Renji pulls his hand away. He thinks, What would… but his mouth is there already. He presses their lips together.
"Thank you," he whispers. Renji runs home and slams the door. He shuts the door of his bedroom, and he lies back on his bed. His fingers slither between his legs, under his underpants. He's hot and he aches. Renji bites his lip, but he doesn't know what to do.
He doesn't remember to write in his notebook until morning.
***
Jackal and Niou are talking in the girls' bathroom. Renji takes a step closer.
"-yeah, my sister's magazine showed me how."
A pause. A toilet flushes. "Really?"
"It's all about technique."
"Like tennis."
"Yeah, but with something called a clit. A mini dick."
"So our dicks didn't disappear, they shrunk."
"That still doesn't explain the pussy."
"Or the tits."
Sanada asks Renji what he's doing. Renji whips his head around. Sanada frowns. "Are you waiting for…?"
Renji hums. He strains to listen, but the voices stop. Niou and Jackal walk out, both wearing the same shade of lip gloss. Jackal zips up a Hello Kitty case. Renji raises his eyebrows. "More makeup?" he asks.
Jackal practically giggles.
"You're too young for that stuff!" Sanada says.
A smirk slithers over Niou's lips. He slides an arm over Sanada's shoulder. "Ne, Gen-chan? Yukimura told me he really, really likes lip gloss." Sanada freezes. Niou's smile sharpens. "He said he wants to lick it off your-"
Sanada slaps Niou across the cheek.
But Sanada shows up to afternoon tennis practice with glossy lips.
***
According to Seventeen, he is not supposed to call for three days.
After five, Renji emails. How was your english quiz?
Kirihara doesn't email. Sadaharu does.
***
Renji says good morning. Kirihara's eyes pop out. He starts to say "Good morning" in return, but his voice breaks. Niou laughs at him. Marui says he's finally becoming a man.
"Help me with the machine," Renji tells him.
Kirihara trips over his shoelaces. Renji leans down to offer a hand. Kirihara jerks away. He brushes gravel from his knees.
"I'll hit first," Renji says.
Kirihara stands behind the machine. The balls are rhythmic and slow. Renji switches from forehand to back hand. He barely moves his feet. The cicadas are still out, but he's barely breaking a sweat.
"Faster!" he shouts.
Kirihara makes a high-pitched noise. The balls come quicker. Renji warms his calves a bit. His muscles work. His forearms and biceps feel the tension. It feels good when the sweat starts to bead on his face.
"Harder!" he yells.
Kirihara says something unintelligible. Renji shakes his head. He can see Kirihara fumbling with the machine. He's red-faced and turned away. Moths fly around Renji's insides. He thinks about last night, and his fingers up his cunt. He thinks about Kirihara's fingers, now on the machine dials.
The first ball zooms past his racket.
***
He pictures Kirihara in the showers. He's naked. Water rolls over his tanned arms and legs. Kirihara has shampoo swirls in his hair. He reaches down for his dick-
Renji sucks a breath in. Something explodes in his belly. He bucks. His body stops. His heart skips. He shakes all over as every nerve in his cunt pulses.
He flops back against his pillow.
There are still no emails from Kirihara.
***
He sits on the bench with Sanada and Yukimura at morning practice.
"Akaya's form is terrible," Yukimura says. "How many balls has he roofed?"
Renji doesn't know.
"Thirty-four," Sanada says. Another ball sails over their heads. "Thirty-five."
Yukimura purses his lips. "We'll have to have a little chat with him."
***
Kirihara drags his feet to afternoon practice. A piece of paper flies out of his bag. Renji picks it up. There's a fat red 26 at the top of his English test.
Yukimura leans over Renji's shoulder. He snatches the test, and stomps back into the clubhouse. Renji follows him.
"This is unacceptable," Yukimura says. He shoves the test under Kirihara's nose. Kirihara has his t-shirt up to his elbows. The muscles in his shoulders tighten. Renji feels warm.
"Tarundoru," Sanada says.
"If you think you can be captain next year with these marks, think again!" Yukimura shouts. "You have to represent not only your team, but your school!"
"And the glorious nation of Japan!" Jackal whispers.
Yukimura shoots him a glare.
"You forgot the Emperor!" Marui hisses.
Yukimura glares at him, too.
"Well, Akaya?"
Kirihara He starts to shrink as he laughs. "I-uh…"
"You can come study at my house," Renji says. The moths in his chest are back. His heart presses against his ribs.
Kirihara shakes his head. He grabs his test from Yukimura. "No! No, it's okay! I swear!" He bows low. "I promise I'll never fail aga-"
Yukimura pulls him up. "We've broken enough promises on this team," he says. No one moves. The rusty fan rattles in the corner. Renji holds his breath.
"Renjii's right," Yukimura says. Sanada looks down his nose at Kirihara. With his boobs, he doesn't have the same effect anymore.
Renji nods. "I'll help."
Kirihara sinks to the floor.
***
In Biology, Renji doesn't copy the overhead notes. He flips his cellphone open under his desk. The Seventeen website is useless. He doesn't want to download new Poupee hats.
He sits in the rooftop garden at lunch. He throws out the school's macaroni salad, and all three of the cheese croquettes, too. His stomach growls. Renji sips on a tea from the vending machine. Yukimura and Sanada are necking by the irises. Renji shakes his head.
He looks across at the tennis courts. Kirihara's not there.
***
Kirihara takes extra long in the shower. Renji sits on a bench outside. He has the new Ogawa novel on his knee, but he doesn't open it. Jackal bangs on the clubhouse door. "Are you DONE YET?" he shouts.
Niou sticks his head through the window. "If you don't hurry up, we're coming in! NAKED GIRLS!"
Sanada paces. He mutters under his breath. Kirihara runs out of the clubhouse. His hair drips down his shirt. His tie is knotted backwards. He cringes at Sanada's cuff. He winces at Niou sticking his chest out.
Renji stands up. His knees shake a little. "Well?"
Kirihara balls his fists for a moment. Then he looks up, and says, "Okay, but I gotta get my bike."
Kirihara grips his handlebars so tight, his knuckles are white. He doesn't talk. Renji thinks about asking which chapter Kirihara is studying, but he never does. Honeyed sun streams over the packed rows of houses.
The shadow next to him disappears. Renji turns around. Kirihara is a half-block back. He holds one palm to the cement retaining wall. His bike leans sideways. Renji's insides are twisted when Kirihara shuffles up the hill.
"Akaya?" he asks. Kirihara says nothing. Renji offers a smile.
The gate creeks when Renji swings it open. The car park is empty. His mother's bicycle is gone, too. Kirihara sets his bike against the side of the house.
Renji fumbles on the key. Kirihara sets his bags beside the potted palm. He takes a heavy breath. Renji's mouth is dry. He takes a step up the first stair. He glances back. Kirihara is right behind him now.
Kirihara has been here before, a few times. Renji thinks that he should have picked up some of the dirty clothes. He should have made his bed. He asks Kirihara if he would like some tea. Kirihara says nothing.
"What chapter are you working on?" Renji asks. He leans down to sit on his bed. Kirihara tackles him from the side. There's a foot in his knee. Renji falls onto the mattress. His body is on fire. There's an erection pressed to his leg. Renji can't breathe. He moves his head. Their noses brush. He remembers the first kiss. He slides his tongue into Kirihara's mouth. Kirihara moans.
Hands fumble with his tie. Renji pulls at the buttons of Kirihara's shirt. They kiss, and gasp, and Kirihara peels Renji's shirt off. Renji sits back on his knees. Kirihara sits up, too. He licks the side of Renji's face. "Senpai…" he whispers. His hands are on Renji's hips. They knead his skin through his pants. Renji starts to moan, too.
Kirihara pulls away.
Then Kirihara licks his nipples. Renji bites his lip. His cunt burns. Kirihara pushes him down. His tongue weaves little patterns. Renji digs his fingers into Kirihara's hair. There's a sharp bite to his nipple. He smacks Kirihara on the ear.
Kirihara ducks his head. "I-sorry." He starts to laugh.
Renji takes a deep breath. His lips are swollen. His thigh burns where Kirihara's erection was pressed. His cunt tingles, too. His legs aren't steady as he unbuckles his belt. Kirihara digs his hands into the sheets.
"Akaya," Renji says. He steps out of his y-fronts. He kisses Kirihara, who lets Renji tugs his pants down, and his boxers, too.
Renji eases into the sweaty hands on his hips. He's coiled up tight inside, and his breath catches. It's not pain, per se. He's stretched and hot and wet and Kirihara slides deeper. Someone shouts. Someone moans. Renji rocks on Kirihara's dick. He moves faster, and faster. Sensations explode inside. His body shivers. His heart pounds. Kirihara thrusts hard. Renji squeezes himself around Kirihara. Kirihara digs his nails into Renji's hips, and he comes.
They're pressed, hip to hip, and chest to chest. Renji touches the damp curls of Kirihara's hair. Kirihara whispers three, thick words in his ear. Something wet slides down Renji's temple into the pillow.
***
Renji opens the window. It smells of ozone. Under the orange street lamps, the first rain water glows.
He writes down in his notebook. Kirihara curls into the depression in the middle of his bed. His mouth hangs open with sleep. Renji rubs his arms. The skin is cool with the a/c on.
When he lies back down, Kirihara stirs. The bed is too narrow for two. Kirihara rolls a little to the side. He cracks open an eye.
"Senpai…" he whispers. "Was it…was I…?"
Renji presses his lips to Kirihara's mouth. Their breathing falls in perfect unison.
***
The next afternoon, Kirihara waits by the school gate.
Renji smiles. "Are you waiting for someone, Akaya?"
"Uh…" Kirihara scratches the side of his head. He laughs a little. "Uh, English is really important to know." His voice gets louder. Jackal walks by, and says good night.
"We should study harder," Renji says.
Kirihara licks his lips. "Yeah."
Before Renji closes his bedroom door, Kirihara has his hands under Renji's shirt.
***
Sometimes they do study English. Renji earns a fat, bloody 65 written across the top of his test. He tucks it into his notebook, and says nothing when Sanada asks about his mark.
"Parse, 'to go'," he says.
Kirihara looks up from Renji's navel. He blinks. "Um…I go?"
Renji hums. Kirihara kisses his hip. Renji sucks in a breath. He tightens his leg around Kirihara's ribs. He rubs his cunt against Kirihara's chest. "And then?"
"You go," Kirihara says. He kisses the inside of Renji's thigh. Renji shivers. He digs his fingers into Kirihara's shoulder. Kirihara's tongue slides over his other thigh, right up to his cunt. Renji gasps. He squeezes his pussy around Kirihara's finger. He's aching.
"You know," Kirihara says. His finger wiggles inside. Renji bites his lip. His body shudders. Don't beg, he thinks. Don't, don't beg.
The fingers stroke something. Renji tenses all over. His legs twitch and tighten and he bucks up. He wants to spread his legs and squeeze his knees together all at once. He rides the waves that rock through his muscles.
Kirihara whispers, "I'd rather parse, 'to come', senpai."
***
Renji draws the yoga formation on the chalk board. "Hold it for ten, and exhale," he says.
Marui wheezes on his mat. Renji walks past Kirihara. Kirihara looks through his legs. Renji doesn't smile. "You're doing it wrong, Akaya," he says. His eyes linger on Kirihara's butt sticking up in the air. Renji touches Kirihara's hip. Kirihara tenses. He's hard.
"Higher," Renji says.
"It h-urts," Marui whines. He collapses onto the floor. "Jack-al…I need your…h-elp!"
"You sound like a lovesick crackhead," Jackal says. He stretches his hips further back. "That should teach you for singing from the roof."
"K…esha…" Marui gasps.
"What?"
Marui coughs. "I prefer someone…class-ier, Jackal…like…Miley…"
Jackal facepalms. He falls flat on his face on his mat. Renji tells him to hold his pose next time. He looks back at Kirihara. Sweat slithers down his red face. He shifts, and his glutes move. Renji's insides wither.
"We going to do the doggie style next?" Niou asks. Renji blinks. Yagyuu falls face-first into his mat.
***
The room smells like popcorn, and sex. Renji swirls the bitter taste around his mouth. He thinks, Interesting. Kirihara touches his arm. He's still awake.
Renji glances to the clock. Kirihara pulls Renji close. A tongue slides over his. Renji moans. He climbs over Kirihara's hips. His dick is half-hard. Renji rubs his cunt over it to make Kirihara whimper.
He rubs slower until he hits the sweet spot. He hisses. Kirihara reaches down. His fingers work Renji's clit. Kirihara's fingers are fast, and good. Renji whispers, "Not yet…"
Kirihara slides inside, deep. Renji rocks his hips. His breath catches, and he comes.
When Kirihara's breathing softens, Renji climbs off the bed. He steps on something plastic and hard. He picks up three pieces of Gundam, and sets them on Kirihara's desk.
Kirihara sleeps with his mouth open. His drool glistens. Renji shuts his notebook, and stretches out beside him. He pulls Kirihara's arm over his shoulders. He takes a deep breath-Kirihara smells like sweat and sex and soap and the rubber of tennis balls. He whispers, "I love you…" and Renji can't tell if he's asleep or not.
His insides ache all night.
***
On Kirihara's birthday, Marui says, "Let's go to the arcade!" Even Sanada comes. He hangs around the UFO catcher with Renji. University-aged guys walk past. Their eyes lower to Sanada's chest. Sanada crosses his arms. His cleavage deepens.
Yukimura loses a Nascar race to Jackal. He stomps over to Sanada, and then he blows 2000 yen trying to catch a limited edition Disney plushie with the catcher.
Niou throws a dart. "Triple ring," he says.
Kirihara makes a face. He sticks out his tongue, and chews on it. Renji's mouth is dry. Yukimura curses that he's lost another hundred yen. Kirihara throws his dart, and it bounces off the board.
Kirihara pouts when Niou holds out his hand. He hands over a thousand yen note. Yagyuu tells Niou it's not very nice of him. Niou rolls his eyes, and says, "Puri."
The humidity melts them on the walk to the shopping arcade, where cheap ramen joints punctuate stationary and sock shops, fashionable t-shirts stands and an ABCmart. Jackal disappears into a shop selling hair extension clip-ons. Marui offers to go get him.
Renji does it instead.
He finds Jackal at the shop counter with yellow barrettes, ribbon hairbands, and clip-in strands of pink and brown. Jackal says, "Um…"
Renji frowns.
"I'd share with you, but it'd be kinda gay," Jackal says.
Renji's looks at Jackal. Jackal looks at him. His skin crawls under his shirt, especially around his breasts and hips. His pants feel too tight as they walk back through the arcade corridor. The heat pushes down. Renji walks faster.
At the ramen shop, Renji sits at the far end, across from Jackal. He swirls the ice around in his cup. He doesn't look at Kirihara. Kiriharas laugh at Marui's Rafael Nadal jokes. Renji takes a deep breath, but he can't smell anything except the fruity perfume Jackal has on.
He takes a bite of his ramen noodles, and his stomach turns.
Sanada and Yukimura leave first. As soon as they're outside the shop, Yukimura takes Sanada's hand. Niou pretends to gag.
Yagyuu pays for his ramen, and Niou's too. Niou lets out a long belch of "Happy Birthday". He follows Yagyuu out the door.
"Guess it's just us four singletons," Marui says. He looks at Jackal. "For now."
Renji says nothing. Jackal sighs. "All right, I have shopping to do," he says.
Marui stands up. "I'll accompany you."
"Tampon shopping?" Jackal asks. Marui's jaw hangs open.
Jackal's skirt swishes behind him. Marui hesitates a moment, then he runs out after him. Renji can hear him call Jackal's name through the window of the ramen shop.
He turns around.
Kirihara's eyes are black. His lips are parted.
When they get to Kirihara's apartment, Kirihara runs up the stairs. Renji rips off his tie in the dark hallway. He's naked and straining under Kirihara before the front door clicks shut.
They don't make it past the couch.
***
The weather cools enough that the a/c is barely on. The curtains are closed, but there is still enough light that Renji can see Kirihara's erection, and the muscles of his butt. He kisses Kirihara harder. He rubs his fingers over Kirihara's hip.
He lets Kirihara take off his shirt. He lets Kirihara wiggle his fingers down his pants, and his y-fronts, too. Kirihara strokes the inside of Renji's knee. Renji groans. Kirihara licks his bellybutton. Renji digs his hands into Kirihara's hair. Renji spreads his legs wider. He whispers Kirihara's name. Kirihara licks him all over, until Renji's eyes roll back.
"I wanna hear you," Kirihara says. Renji arches his back. His body flushes with heat, and spasms. He jerks Kirihara off, after. Kirihara doesn't last more than three strokes.
Renji sighs.
His skin is warm where Kirihara pressed against him. "Twelve minutes," he says. He writes the number in his notebook, and spoons back against Kirihara's chest.
His eyes are too heavy, his body is liquid and boneless boneless. He is vaguely aware of the mattress creaking. Kirihara moves from his side.
Then he hears a sharp "Fuck". He opens his eyes to see Kirihara at his desk. The notebook is open. Renji opens his mouth, but he can't breathe. Kirihara pulls his clothes on. He grabs his bag. The door slams before Renji has on his underpants.
Renji's hands shake so badly he can barely pull on his tennis shorts, and his school uniform shirt. He runs out the front door without shoes on. Hot tears ruin his vision. He tries to yell "AKAYA!", but the sound dies on his tongue.
There's no one on the street. There's not even an echo.
***
It rains for the better part of a week.
Renji tells his mom he has a cold. He skips school. Sanada sends emails asking if he is all right. Yukimura sends an email asking Renji where the match schedule is. Kirihara blocks his number.
Renji tears up his notebook and throws the pieces onto the roof. They swell, and disintegrate in the rain. He leaves his window open and shivers all night. He sends more emails to Kirihara. They all bounce back. He tries calling, too. This number is out of service. Please try again-
On the second morning his mom presses her hand to his forehead. She says he's fine, and he can go to school. Renji pulls the facemask off when he rounds the block. One of the spokes of his umbrella snaps. Rain drips onto his arm.
Kirihara is at practice. He and Yagyuu are the only regulars running laps. Niou stands under the eaves of the clubhouse. He lifts the side of his umbrella and nods. Renji shifts his hands on the handle of his umbrella.
The look in Kirihara's eyes is murder. Renji can't breathe. Any words die in his mouth. Kirihara runs past, panting hard. His pupils are lost in his glower. Renji shrinks back against the side of the clubhouse.
Kirihara has the upper hand. He knows, and he could tell anyone, any time. Renji tries to email Kirihara in the middle of literature class. He clutches his cellphone.
Another bounce.
His shoulders sink. Rain patters at the window.
***
On Friday, there's no morning tennis practice. Yukimura emailed last night to say that he's might hand over his keys next week. Renji touches his chest. He loosens his tie a little, too. He looks down the hallway.
Kirihara has his bag slung over his shoulder. He plows through two senior girls, who shriek at him. He curls his lip. Then he lifts his head. Renji digs his nails into his textbook cover.
Kirihara's eyes widen. They burn into Renji's chest. All the hairs on his body stiffen.
Kirihara walks right past him, and doesn't say a word.
***
When Yukimura gives Kirihara the keys to the clubhouse everyone slaps Kirihara on the shoulder. Marui high-fives him. Jackal says, "Buchou." Sanada just says, "Don't fuck up."
Renji thinks, It's over.
He calls Sadaharu that night. "Are you busy this weekend?"
Sadaharu makes a noise in the back of his throat. "I can meet you Sunday afternoon."
***
They meet in the subway station. Sadaharu has a single bandage on the left side of his face. Renji's stomach knots up. He keeps his hands loose at his hips. He tries to walk normally. The sweater he's wearing is too warm for today. It hangs off his body, though.
"Ah, Renji," Sadaharu says. "It's been forty-nine days."
Renji nods once. "How…are you?" he asks. Sadaharu touches his bandage. Renji looks away.
The bookstore is busy. Sadaharu heads for the magazines, and emerges with a stack.
Renji raises his eyebrows.
Sadaharu says, "They mention the Nationals matches."
"You have a scrapbook."
Sadaharu's lips twitch. "Data."
"Scrapbook."
"We won."
Renji winces. "Touché."
They walk through the underground mall leading back to the subway station. There's a bra shop on the right, and on the left, three stores selling purses and accessories. A girl with bleached hair is at the cashier of the last. She starts to turn her head. Renji walks faster. He ducks into a donburi joint around the corner. He sits at the far table, behind a group of middle-aged men under a cloud of cigarette smoke.
Bile rises. Renji closes his eyes. His hand slides over his stomach. Sadaharu sits across from him. He pushes his glasses up. "Renji?"
Renji loosens his shoulders. "The donburi here is good."
"Aa."
"Your team is done for the season."
"Kaidoh is captain."
"Your kouhai."
"Yes. Rikkai changed captains last week."
Renji tightens his grip on his mug of tea. "Yes."
"Kirihara Akaya."
"Yes," Renji says. He exhales, holds it for three, and breathes in. Sadaharu eats a slice of his porkchop.
"And your former teammates remain female."
Renji stares at Sadaharu. Sadaharu takes a swig from a PET bottle, then a sip of his tea. "Yes," Renji says. "I haven't determined the cause for this…"
Sadaharu cringes when Renji says, "Vaginitis." Renji does too. His insides sink.
If no one knows, it's not real.
***
He goes to the student council meetings every Wednesday lunch, and Thursday after school. Sanada and Yukimura still practice tennis most days before and after school. Renji goes to the library instead. He sits by the window and looks down at the green courts. He pushes the windows open. Crisp autumn air rustles his papers. He listens to Kirihara shouting out laps, and screaming out orders. Kirihara never looks up.
They meet up for Yagyuu's birthday. Niou shows up in a one-suit. He picks wedgies all through karaoke. Renji sits across the booth from Kirihara. Kirihara glares at his Pepsi. Marui sings ballad after ballad. He butchers Miley, and he warbles Whitney Houston until Jackal throws a PET bottle. It hits Marui in the forehead.
They spend the rest of the evening in the emergency room waiting area. Renji rubs his knees with his palms. Kirihara curls up, two rows away, and sleeps. His breathing isn't even. Every once in a while, the back of Renji's neck prickles. He looks over. Kirihara's eyes are closed.
Marui gets two stitches.
Jackal agrees to hold his hand on the train home.
Renji walks alone in the dark. He pukes up the ramen on the pavement. The hot, bitter smell follows him home.
***
"I have a theory," Sadaharu says.
"What?"
"Karma."
Renji sets his pen down. He rubs his temples. He thinks of Sadaharu's bandage. He closes his eyes, and says, "There's no scientific proof."
But he doesn't disagree, either.
***
Yukimura says, "Get your lazyass on the tennis courts-we have the Invitationals in two weeks."
Renji closes his textbook. Yukimura stands beside Sanada, who frowns.
"The coach informed you, then," Renji says.
Yukimura nods.
Renji looks at Sanada's chest. "This could be…awkward." Sanada's frown deepens. Yukimura glances at Sanada. His eyes drift down. Sanada says, "Eyes up."
"Exactly," Renji says. "There will be a couple hundred teenage boys at the training camp."
Sanada's face whitens. Yukimura sputters. "But…but Sanada's my girlfriend."
Marui pops out from behind the biology aisle. "You need to mark your territory, Seiichi," he says. He holds his fist out. "Defend your honour. And your girlfriend."
"Defend my girlfriend!" Yukimura bumps Marui's fist.
Sanada smacks them both.
***
Renji adjusts the speed dial on the ball machine. He sets the timer for ten seconds.
"Does defending your honour include stalking?" he asks Marui.
Marui roofs the ball.
***
On Jackal's birthday, they all go to a Brazilian buffet. Marui offers to pay for Jackal. "My treat, my lovely lady lumps," he says. He looks at the menu. His eyes bulge.
"Thanks," Jackal says. "This'll save me 5000. I can buy that new flat iron I wanted."
Niou narrows his eyes. "You sharing?"
"We can have a sleepover," Jackal says. He looks at Sanada. Sanada narrows his eyes, too.
Renji stacks his plate. He goes back three times. Jackal rolls onto the floor after one round. Yagyuu unbuckles his belt after two. Yukimura steals Sanada's leftovers. He finishes with belch, and holds up his white napkin in defeat.
Marui and Kirihara come back with more meat. Kirihara glares at his stacked plate. He shoves piece after piece into his mouth.
"You won't be number one at this," Marui says. He digs his chopsticks in.
Renji stands up.
"Are you done?" Niou moans from the floor. He hiccups. Then he cups his hands over his mouth, and runs to the toilets.
Renji's stomach gurgles. He shrugs, and gets another plate. He ladles over cheese sauce, and Tabasco, and sits back down.
Marui's mouth hangs open. Half-chewed meat drops onto his plate. "I underestimated you," he says.
Renji smiles-until Kirihara looks at him.
His shoulders sink.
***
Jackal doesn't show up to afternoon practice. Marui drags his feet during laps. He huffs when Yukimura tells him to work on swings with Kirihara.
"In-vi-tational!" Yukimura says. "We're not done for the season yet!"
"Except the fact we officially retired last month," Niou mutters.
Marui sighs. He turns to Kirihara, and moans. "He's not even answering my emails!"
"Time of the month?" Renji asks. His hands feel cold. He pulls his sleeves over his fingers. Renji looks at Niou.
Niou whistles. He plays with the zipper of his coat. "I'm irregular."
"I didn't want to know about that," Renji says.
"Thought the data man wanted all the juicy details," Niou says.
Renji doesn't respond. The first and second-years lunge and do jumping jacks on the main courts. Kirihara screams at them. Yukimura doesn't pay any attention. He yells at Sanada to serve faster, and harder, and don't be a pussy with his backhand.
Marui swoons instead of swinging. "Jackal, oh Jackal, I don't love the way you lie!"
Renji raises his eyebrows. Marui slumps onto the bench. When Kirihara runs to Yukimura, Renji looks away. There's someone in the window of the biology lab on the third floor.
Inside the school some of the classroom doors are open. The trivia club, and the travel club must be meeting. A group of second years in tight t-shirts and shorts walk past. Their t-shirts read Rikkai Rhythmic Gymnastics. Renji snorts. The captain glares.
Renji knocks on the lab door. No one answers, so he slides it open. Something rustles behind the bench at the back of the room.
Jackal wipes his eyes, and looks up.
"Oh, it's you," he mumbles. He sniffles. He blows his nose into a handkerchief.
Renji crouches down. "Are you…?"
Jackal keeps crying. Renji shifts his weight onto his other foot.
"Why-why did this happen?" Jackal asks. Mucus slithers down from his nose. Renji tries not to cringe. "I don't…" Jackal wipes at his face. "I don't want this."
Renji sits down. Jackal rubs his face with the handkerchief again. "I don't want this," he mumbles. "I…I don't even know if I'm a girl, or a boy, or some…freaking chick with a former dick!"
Renji puts his hand on Jackal's shoulder. He doesn't know what to say. His eyes sting a little, and his throat is tight.
"Like…do I like girls now? Or should I like boys?" Jackal snorts a really big wad. Renji winces when Jackal swallows it. "I still like my Gisele poster, but sometimes…when Bunta sings Justin Bieber songs, it's…" He shakes his head. Renji pats his shoulder once or twice.
"I don't know…what I am…" Jackal's voice trails off into a sob. He shakes his head in his hands.
"I'm sorry," Renji whispers.
***
He sits in the bathtub. Water laps at his chin. He dunks his head a little lower, until the surface brushes his nostrils. The water ripples.
If no one knows, it's not real.