It's been a weird couple of weeks. I've been meaning to sit down and do a reading for myself for a while, but I've been so drained or distracted or disinterested in doing anything productive. Last night, I walked past my cards and decided to stop making excuses.

( I'm glad for it. )

Last night was our first girls' night after my grandmom's death which, admittedly, was only our second girls' night. None of my mom's sisters were there, which was a bit disappointing... but also understandable. I had hoped to see them, to hug them, to spend some time since I had missed the funeral. We were in Alabama with Justin's family that day ( Read more... )

Feeling seriously bummed this weekend ( Read more... )

It's been a year since my baby died. I miss him every single day, still think I keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye. I've never loved anyone the way I love him, and I don't think I ever will again. He was special, a part of me.

( I miss my Phantom. )

I've been meaning to post about this since Friday, in particular because I could use some outside perspective which doesn't amount to hollow platitudes like 'give her time' which doesn't do anyone any good. I just haven't known what to say. I still don't. There's no way to do this succinctly. The problem itself is not succinct. It's not neat and ( Read more... )

Phantom died today around 2pm in Justin's arms. I loved no one so much for so long besides my mother and my brother. He's been with me for half of my life. I want to write more, document memories, but right now... it just feels hollow to do so. Just thought people should know, because I know some of you care too.

I couldn't sleep last night. At all. I'm not sure why. My sleep schedule wasn't any more mucked up than it usually is on any given weekend. Even once dawn came and went, I was still wide awake, tossing and turning, and likely keeping Justin up. It was infuriating ( Read more... )

And on that note, I'm fairly certain the fact that Phantom just isn't getting better is taking a huge toll on whatever resources I've got. I don't just mean because his gruesomely loud breathing and insistence on lying where my head should be last night kept me up. I can't shake the feeling that he's dying, and that's just breaks my heart over and ( Read more... )

This is not a hold your head high day.

This is a keep your head down and hope no one notices you're broken day.

( Whine whine whine... )

...of a PMSing insomniac with rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

Rational Side: Why are you crying?
Emotional Side: Fuck you! I don't need to explain myself to you.

Mental health half day today. Here's to not breaking into tears because a customer gets pissy with me tomorrow. I mean really, what the fuck?