"They" say it - never to someone actually directly in the throes of grief because they'd probably stab you for the favor of the platitude - but out into the grieving ether sometimes ( Read more... )

I woke up in the middle of the night and thought, "He's been dead a year."

I still don't understand.

Sometimes I dream about him, and he's dead. Sometimes he's not. Last night he wasn't. All I remember about last night's dream, besides that he was alive, is that the haircut I dreamt about months ago was growing out. I don't know what my brain is trying to tell me ( Read more... )

I got a new phone. I had to copy all the numbers manually because, I don't know, sprint hates me. There were a few outdated ones I ditched, wrong numbers, people from freecycle, people I went out with once and never want to see again, that kind of thing.

But I just couldn't not copy his number. It even snuck up on me. I somehow had no idea it was ( Read more... )

It's been over a year now ( Read more... )

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe it actually won't ever stop feeling like someone just shoved a fist into my gut and ripped out half a dozen internal organs.

It certainly hasn't stopped yet.

I miss him so much. I have to go to work in half an hour, and all I can think about is Frank.

Last year, around this time, on Friday night, I left Frank's birthday party hours before I should have to go fuck someone else ( Read more... )

Alisa mailed me on okcupid the other day. Not out of the blue; I'd looked at her profile, so she could see on her 'stalkers' list that I'd visited it, so obviously she knew I was thinking of her. The message was just, "How are you?" I didn't know how to respond, so it took me a while. Eventually I did, giving a cursory "rest of my life" answer and ( Read more... )

First there's the part of the day where I wake up from a dream where he was still alive, where we were going grocery shopping to cook dinner, where I said, "I keep not recognizing you because I keep forgetting you cut your hair short." But he hadn't cut his hair short, so presumably haircuts are dreamspeak for death ( Read more... )

I don't want the pain to stop; I want the reason for the pain to stop ( Read more... )