perspective
Alisa mailed me on okcupid the other day. Not out of the blue; I'd looked at her profile, so she could see on her 'stalkers' list that I'd visited it, so obviously she knew I was thinking of her. The message was just, "How are you?" I didn't know how to respond, so it took me a while. Eventually I did, giving a cursory "rest of my life" answer and then the real answer.
She wrote me back:
I'm doing well with my fellowship, but have no clue what will happen to me after it is over.
I'm scared, angry, confused and I tend to cry a bit a few times a day. My life has been changed forever and I'm not sure what forward is any longer. I don't trust love any longer, but depend on the people I love for so much.
I miss him more than I can ever explain to anyone who has never been in my situation. At least the dreams have stopped.
And, not surprisingly, I burst into tears.
I could say, "I guess it helps to put things into perspective," but that would be a damn lie.
It puts things into perspective.
But it doesn't help.
It only makes the ache deeper to know that the pain I feel, the pain that is sometimes unbearable, that sometimes makes me think, "This world is too fucking stupid to live in," is such a small fraction of the misery caused by Frank's death. It only makes it worse to know that for all the tears I have shed, I have no concept of what she's going through.
It shakes my faith in the world to know that something could happen to make someone feel a thousand times worse than I have felt any time in the last four months.
I don't know what to say to her, and I know that nothing I say will help. I cannot tell her anything that will make it hurt less, or reassure her, or bring him back. But I want to save her. I want to restore her faith in love, I want her to know what her life means, I want her to know which direction is forward and always to go that way, I want to ease her pain.
I want to save her. But I wonder if a part of me is thinking if I can save her, then I will have saved him.
So.
Perspective.
It has its use, I'm sure.
But it doesn't help.
She wrote me back:
I'm doing well with my fellowship, but have no clue what will happen to me after it is over.
I'm scared, angry, confused and I tend to cry a bit a few times a day. My life has been changed forever and I'm not sure what forward is any longer. I don't trust love any longer, but depend on the people I love for so much.
I miss him more than I can ever explain to anyone who has never been in my situation. At least the dreams have stopped.
And, not surprisingly, I burst into tears.
I could say, "I guess it helps to put things into perspective," but that would be a damn lie.
It puts things into perspective.
But it doesn't help.
It only makes the ache deeper to know that the pain I feel, the pain that is sometimes unbearable, that sometimes makes me think, "This world is too fucking stupid to live in," is such a small fraction of the misery caused by Frank's death. It only makes it worse to know that for all the tears I have shed, I have no concept of what she's going through.
It shakes my faith in the world to know that something could happen to make someone feel a thousand times worse than I have felt any time in the last four months.
I don't know what to say to her, and I know that nothing I say will help. I cannot tell her anything that will make it hurt less, or reassure her, or bring him back. But I want to save her. I want to restore her faith in love, I want her to know what her life means, I want her to know which direction is forward and always to go that way, I want to ease her pain.
I want to save her. But I wonder if a part of me is thinking if I can save her, then I will have saved him.
So.
Perspective.
It has its use, I'm sure.
But it doesn't help.