Hibiscus is out with his friends, eating out. This instance, I'm jealous. So jealous I want to take it away from Hibiscus. I want to make him miserable. I want to make him regret leaving me here alone and going out with his friends. I feel resentful, angry, bitter.
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I'm ashamed. My husband. We said vows yesterday in front of our friends and families ( Read more... )

The night before my wedding with Hibiscus, I wrote:
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Guests always, always trump my needs. Novel people always trump my needs with my partners. And with my parents while I was growing up, for that matter.
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Hibiscus and Paladin both left dishes out that I ended up doing throughout the day, in addition to goodness-knows how many other dishes of other ( Read more... )

Wednesday, December 16th, 2015, we left Marigold's & Redoak's home in the south at seven o'clock in the morning. We'd planned on leaving at six o'clock, and I'd gotten out of bed at five-fifteen. I considered leaving before eight o'clock a success, considering Paladin's habitual departure delays.
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Paladin took the first shift at driving. We traded ( Read more... )

I’ve been demoted.
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It finally hit me, hard. The reason I felt so depressed, at its heart, wasn’t all the obvious things. Sure, I was stressed about the idea of leaving tomorrow morning at six o’clock for the long, long drive north to Snowland. Yes, I was afraid of dealing with that house, and with my parents.
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It was sad that there wouldn’t be ( Read more... )

The changes in me include:
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Being able to read body language and emotions, whereas previously these were Greek to me.
Being able to recognize faces.
Being able to choose to recall names.
Being able to hear music both as separate parts, as well as a whole, as well as any combination of the instruments/vocals in play; before I could only hear music as ( Read more... )

Riding in the car with Hibiscus, talking about music, I sung a few lines from a Limp Bizket song; "It's no good when all that's left is the sex. Dirty sex. Sex has become all I know about you - memories of those filthy things that we do. There's not a single thought that is left . . . after sex . . . with you."
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The song is called No Sex. It wasn't ( Read more... )

I know a man who is genuinely upset by fat people.
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I know another man who killed a dog because his father told him to do so to get back at a neighbor.
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I know a boy who was badly abused as a child and feels impulses to steal, to rape, to hurt other people and feels like all the time he is constantly resisting. He bites his knuckles when he gets ( Read more... )

The question of my life right now: To continue in a pattern of simple grind - day to day things, creating and accepting life as it is... Or to shake things up yet again - travel somewhere far away, or buy land and try to form a community, or maybe something even more outlandish...
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Do I want to make life harder again in order to seek something ( Read more... )

( Read more... )

[12:09am]
."There is nothing to fear but fear itself."
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What a terrible idea! I've been so afraid of fear that I've blocked out my fear with jealousy, with anger, with guilt, with shame, with grief... All so that I could avoid my fear! How absurd! How ridiculous! Just feel the fear. Just feel it.
.( Read more... )