Your Darkest Secrets Don't Shock Me
I know a man who is genuinely upset by fat people.
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I know another man who killed a dog because his father told him to do so to get back at a neighbor.
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I know a boy who was badly abused as a child and feels impulses to steal, to rape, to hurt other people and feels like all the time he is constantly resisting. He bites his knuckles when he gets these impulses.
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I've discovered that talking to my parents (or pretty much anyone) about various health-related things I have gone through or am going through is pretty useless. Either they try to give me advice (like my dad does) or they give me sympathy/concern (like my mom does) and neither is useful to actually overcoming any of the problems or even feeling better about them.
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it is frustrating because I always feel like I'm avoiding things for everyone else's comfort, and like others don't have to worry about it with me. That may or may not be true in the least, but that is often how I feel about it.
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I mean, the only way someone is going to make me uncomfortable with words is if they deliberately insult me or get confrontational about something personal. But often my inner truths rather baffle or upset others.
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Rather than feeling more connected through my sharing, I often feel isolated when others don't understand. I seem hyper-prone to feeling isolated, probably due to spending so much of my childhood alone.
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Parrot says, "You don't wouldn't to hear about my urges to mercilessly slaughter small animals, my intense hatred of short people, or my recent horrible bout of diarrhea. (None of these subjects actually apply to me.)"
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Actually if you did have urges to mercilessly slaughter small animals, that would be fine to share with me. In fact, Paladin says "yum" when he sees rabbits hopping around. He is highly drawn to the idea of hunting animals and eating them. It doesn't bother me, so long as nobody makes me watch or participate.
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Also, if you had a horrible bout of diarrhea and told me about it, I'd assume you were just looking for health advice. Not an issue either.
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And if you have an intense hatred of short people, that isn't a problem either.
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I know you were just kidding, and yes I find it funny (I am smiling as I type all of this), but I just want to let you know that in all seriousness, I don't find other people's baggage or strange desires offensive. In fact, usually when people confide in me, I think to myself, "Is that all?"
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I know a man who is genuinely upset by fat people. ( Eagle)
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I know another man who genuinely tried to sleep with his mother when he was a teenager. ( Porcupine)
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I know another man who killed a dog because his father told him to do so to get back at a neighbor. ( Dragon)
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I know a woman who is incredibly embarrassed that dairy makes her break out and went red in the face and could barely choke the words out after fifteen minutes. ( Thistledown)
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I know another woman who has let herself become a sex slave for every worthless man who has crossed her path and has slept with around thirty men even though she is only a year or so older than I. ( Dolphin)
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I know a boy who was badly abused as a child and feels impulses to steal, to rape, to hurt other people and feels like all the time he is constantly resisting. He bites his knuckles when he gets these impulses. ( Wolf)
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I know two sets of brother and sister who are madly in love with each other and have slept together many times, and had to part lest society find out about it.
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People tell me these things once they realize I will not judge them or think less of them. I find these things fascinating, and it is beautiful to find love in oneself for these people even after they've confessed their worst secrets.
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Can you imagine me feeling safe to tell my thoughts openly to a girl whose darkest secret seems to be breaking out from milk products? How could she possibly understand?
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Instead I am just kind to her and let her feel open and playful when she is around me. She comes to almost every event I host because she feels safe.
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I just want to feel safe too.
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Parrot says, "In all seriousness, relationships can take a certain amount of strain, depending on how well or how long you've known each other, so of course you can share personal concerns and worries with friends, or ask them for favors, but if you do this too often, you run a risk of those demands overwhelming the forces that originally attracted you to each other."
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I have not ever felt a friendship become overwhelming with demands. I'm not attracted to "leeches" like my mom is, and perhaps I give off a clear air about what I am and am not willing to do. I have not even ever had a romantic relationship become overwhelming with demands. In fact, I'm often saddened that people don't want/need more from me. I'd like to feel more useful, which is part of why I dream of community.
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That said, I have seen others often draw away from me if they feel like I am somehow draining them. Usually with "over sharing" in friendship, and in romantic relationships usually by being "too clingy". With Paladin he has never said I'm too clingy, and miraculously I stopped being clingy in the first year of our relationship. Go figure.
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Although, what I didn't tell Parrot is that I have felt very clingy all over again since Paladin kissed Oryx, and also since Paladin and I had that terrible argument where he smashed a mason jar on his head.
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Perhaps feeling safe is over-rated and just not going to happen.