In Time, They All Will Grow Distant
So do I believe I will lose Thistledown as a friend? On the surface, of course not. But deep down, I fear that I will lose everyone.
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Three days ago I was confronted with my own beliefs.
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This was brought on by one of Teal's videos. In brief, I wrote this about it at the time;
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"And the video, fascinatingly, goes on to talk about one's beliefs about where one is going with one's life. She suggests that instead of resisting what we believe to be true, instead, recognize our beliefs and then take actions that genuinely cause one to feel more okay about it.
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"What an interesting concept. I've been so deep into the "self help" concept of changing myself (which hasn't been nearly as successful as I'd like), that this sort of approach has not occurred to me before. I've been introduced to the idea of allowing, but this strikes me differently. This doesn't mean idly sitting back and letting things happen as they will. It means owning up to my beliefs and not trying to deny what I believe will happen, and then taking steps to make myself truly feel better about that."
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I've been contemplating it a lot since then. What do I really believe when I'm not trying to to focus on the just the positive? What do I really believe when I'm not focusing on problem solving?
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I believe Thistledown and Ficus will enter a relationship and then hang out with each other instead of me. This, undoubtedly, is the root of the dream I had last night:
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I dreamed that Thistledown, Paladin and I lived in an apartment together. We all came in together one day.
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I was horny. I started to take off my clothes, and was amazed at how many layers I was wearing. I took off shirt after shirt, and then a dress and so on. I had been wearing perhaps six layers.
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When I was finally completely naked I went to Paladin and tried to get on him. He kept going soft and I couldn't seem to get the angle right. I was getting very frustrated, and almost weepy.
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Then, finally it goes in and I have a couple moments of pleasure, and then Thistledown says, “Great way to include me,” in a tone that clearly says she is upset.
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And I said, “You're welcome to join us,” actually thinking in my head that she was not welcome at all, and that there was no way I wanted to share the one cock in the room.
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And she said, “It's too late for that now,” and she walks out of the room.
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Paladin goes completely soft, and somehow we separate. (I'm not sure if he pushed me off, or if I pushed him off, or if it is one of those dream things where one just sort of appears somewhere else.) I'm suddenly on the floor, on my knees, keening loudly.
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My thoughts race in circles - I've lost my friend. I've messed up. Paladin won't have sex with me now. It's over.
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I scream and howl louder and louder. I see the glass windows beside me, taller than I am - stretching from floor to ceiling. I almost run through one, but at the last second I turn and just run down the length of them, still screaming.
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My thoughts rush on to say, “I have to go back in time...”
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And I think, “How?” in response to my own thought, as if I am conversing with myself.
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“Dreams are the staging ground. To wake up is to go back.”
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And then I think fiercely, “Wake up!” And I believe I did wake, slightly, and then went back to sleep and had another dream. When I got up, that was the dream I remembered, but I was pretty sure it wasn't the dream I had just been having.
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I was rather disturbed when I woke. My neck and left shoulder ache a lot. It might have to do with having lunch with Ficus yesterday. He brought over some rather rich food (all raw and vegan, but still very rich for me). I think I partly had this dream because I feel guilty for inviting Ficus over for lunch without inviting Thistledown when Thistledown specifically told me that she might be interested in Ficus romantically.
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It feels like I've somehow betrayed her. Even though it was Paladin I was having sex in the dream with, I think Thistledown's statement of "Great way to include me" was actually about my guilt over not inviting her.
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On the surface, I just wanted to get to know Ficus better. Deep down, I'm looking for someone to love me. Sure, my husband (Paladin) loves me, but he's not available enough for me. I want to be touched, I want to have sex... I think the part of the dream where he couldn't have sex with me was a pretty plain example of my sexual frustration.
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In that short scene I illustrated my guilt about having Ficus over, my frustration with Paladin for our meager sex life, and my fear that Thistledown may stop being my friend. I even had a small illumination there about dreams as a way to process possible futures before bringing them to reality on the physical plane.
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So do I believe I will lose Thistledown as a friend? On the surface, of course not. But deep down, I fear that I will lose everyone.
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I will either lose something that I have with Paladin now as he grows closer to Oryx and/or Hare, or I will lose him entirely a few years down the line.
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I will either lose Thistledown when one of us moves away, or I'll lose her sooner if she becomes angry with me due to my actions, or if she and Ficus get together and no longer have time for me.
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I may have already lost Dolphin, although I cling to the idea that this is just another "phase."
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I already have lost Mermaid. She doesn't respond when I send a text to her.
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While I don't expect my parents to die soon... I feel like I lost my mom a long time ago. I cried about it many times over. But the mom who brings me breakfast in bed when I'm sick is long gone. I'm grown up now and don't get that kind of treatment from anyone, except Paladin if he is up for it and if I can wait three hours for him to pull himself and breakfast together...
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I miss feeling taken care of. And now, if I ever want to feel that way again I'd have to throw much of my life away. I'd have to leave Paladin and find someone else who isn't falling apart. I'd have to leave home and start over with someone new. God how that appeals to me sometimes!
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But they wouldn't know me, and my trust is more jaded than ever before. They wouldn't understand me, and it would take years to build up safety... And safety is flighty - as soon as you've got it, you're already heading on the downward spiral out of the relationship.
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These are the things I believe.
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How can I make myself feel genuinely better about my "fate"? (This is the question Teal posed in the video, the one we're supposed to answer for ourselves.)
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What thoughts, words and deeds will genuinely help me feel better...?
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I would feel better about losing Paladin if I felt like we were making the most of this time we have now. If we ever did have a consistently active sex life. If we ever did feel comfortable helping each other through emotional processes on a regular basis. If we had date nights where we just paid attention to each other and had a good time. If he were to preen for me again, and spend time making himself beautiful for me.
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Would all of that help? Or would I just feel more afraid of losing him?
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God, how could anything make me feel genuinely better about losing him? Maybe... Falling for someone else, but how? I've tried and tried...
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First Basket Bear at the polyamory gathering back in 2013. Or should I could Mermaid as being first? Or should I count trying to solve all my problems by sleeping with Porcupine first, since that happened before meeting Mermaid?
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And then there was Jackal, who I courted at the end of 2013, and never really went anywhere with. We stopped hanging out by February 2014.
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And then in the summer of 2014 there was Panda... I try to forget about Panda. I slept with him a few times despite being very put off by how overweight he is. I tried to just see the light in his soul instead. I tried to just be pleasured by him. I tried to not see it. I tried to pretend it didn't bother me. It bothered me. It made me feel like I was compromising my values. And worse, I felt like he didn't really love me or understand me, but just wanted sex from me.
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Lesson learned. Don't sleep with people you're not physically attracted to. If you feel like you might be in love with them, wait until your love overcomes any hesitations about their appearance.
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And then there was Eagle (June 2014). Gorgeous, fit, beautiful... Amazingly strong, handsome, funny... And I enjoyed sleeping with him tremendously, but he doesn't really want a relationship with me. He doesn't text me or come to my gatherings. He's a busy guy, and I'm not a high enough priority to make it into his life.
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I tried hitting on Pika a bit at the new years poly gathering. I thought maybe I might be interested in him. I know I'm interested in his girlfriend, Mink. But no luck there.
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There was Ocimum who seemed to have much interest in me. And I thought when we met in person there would be sparks. I liked him, but I could tell it would be hard to find compatibility between us.
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I'm glad to have found Otter as a penpal. But I don't think anything will come of that romantically, even if I really wanted it to happen. He's busy with his kids and his work and has little time off.
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And well, of course there is Oryx. She said she'd date me. And yeah, I love her... But I also have so much maya about her I can't even figure out how to talk to her now.
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Of course I believe I will lose everyone. I have before. Over and over. I don't know how to keep anyone in my life. How can I feel better about that?
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Comforting thought: New people have always come around.
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Even if they're never the same...
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Comforting thought: Paladin has been better for me than Porcupine or my other exes.
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But Paladin has never been consistently around for me sexually, which leaves me feeling very alone inside. It makes me feel like part of my life is missing. I oddly felt like that before I'd ever had sex. I've been deeply interested in sexuality since before I can remember.
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I had a really good friend in Aloe Spine, but then she moved back to her home country, many thousands of miles away.
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Now I have Thistledown... And at the moment, despite having spent time with Knotweed on Saturday and time with Ficus yesterday... I somehow manage to feel like Thistledown is all I have.
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I started writing because I felt like I needed to get things off my chest. But this seems more like I'm just having a pity party.
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Heh. I came across my wedding vows in this journal in a post from 2010... I realize I've broken this one, "I vow to never hurt you intentionally." And ever since I've been having trouble with my hand...