2400 Calories
Last night was a weekly scheduled call with Oryx, Hare, Lilac and some other people for doing emotional processing together. I realized I missed the call belatedly, around midnight.
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Cutting wood, especially when the wood burns in the process, creates toxic fumes that are hard to air out. A toxic smell in the house kept me away in the evening. It still wasn't 100% gone when I got home (at 9:30pm, after having left at 5:30pm), despite having run the window fans. I tried breathing through a wet cloth around 11pm when I could barely take the shooting pain in my temples anymore.
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My bed area was one of the worst-smelling areas, so I slept on the couch downstairs with a plant in my face. I ran the window fan next to my bed all night long. I woke up with my period/cramps only 24 days into my cycle (I've never had it come this early since I started tracking it in 2011).
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I let Lilac and Hare know about this. I didn't message Oryx directly. I still have not read the letter she sent me last week. I'm going to have Paladin read it for me and let me know the contents. I just can't seem to handle my emotions regarding Oryx.
.I mentioned to Lilac that I'm big-time struggling with food again. She asked if this was new for me. Well, no. But I was having a different experience a few months ago and wasn't eating like crazy - perhaps for the first time in my life. And I thought I'd never go back into insane eating binges... At least, not like I did before. But it seems that I have.
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Yesterday I ate an insane amount of food - 3/4 cup almonds, 6 oranges, 5 apples, 1 grapefruit, 1 banana, 1/4 cup carob, 1.5 ounces carob/oil mixture, 4 large nori wraps with sunflower seeds, sundried tomatoes, caraway kraut and spinach, a handful of baby carrots, a huge salad of 10 ounces spinach, 2 brazil nuts, 4 sheets nori, more caraway kraut, 2 tablespoons lemon juice, 1-2 tablespoons flax oil, 17-19 ounces of kombucha, and a quart of tea besides. (Also took vitamin D2, B12, K2 and iodine and drank around 1.5 quarts of water.)
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That's 2400 calories, and 40% of those calories come from fat. Yeah, a healthy taste diet. And two years ago I would have argued that eating a lot was fine, and just a sign that your body needed it, as long as you ate healthy food. But now I know that emotional eating is not the best choice for me, even if I'm just eating a huge salad.
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On the bright side, that list of foods leaves me deficient in nothing according to the Recommended Daily Allowances for protein, zinc, omega 3, omega 6, all the b vitamins, calcium, magnesium, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc (and all the stuff listed on the cron-o-meter). But yeah, I know better. One only needs so much nutrition when one is highly active emotionally, physically and/or mentally. I'm not so active that I need all of that except on repressed-emotions front. I want to surpass this so badly.
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This is pretty much right back to my old pattern, or at least, nearly so. I used to eat a lot of my home-made chocolates which are mainly cacao butter and coconut oil, so very high calorie. In other words, I often got up to 3000+ calories in a day in the past. Eating the home-made chocolates doesn't do me any good at all if I'm eating emotionally. It's like I can overcome almost anything and barely eat at all if I just go deep enough into myself.
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But by forcing myself to keep working within the system, I feel like I need more and more food just to handle life minute to minute.
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[dramatic, sad sigh]
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On the bright side, when my Dad saw me reading outside on the porch to avoid the smell indoors, he asked if I wanted to go to an artshow and then a lecture at a college, and I said I did. And it was a good show and a fantastic talk, so I did have a good time last night while I was out. It's a shame that it was still an issue when I got back, but I think everything is okay now, even if I do have my period early.