Oedipus Complex? Also, Becoming Knotweed's Roommates?
4:30pm
.Trying to not over-eat puts me on emotional edge. If I can't use it to repress how I feel, goodness gracious, I became such a mess. I just now stormed from the kitchen after shutting the fridge for the fifth or sixth time. "I do not need more food!" I turned on my heel, and unfairly, unkindly, yelled, "I'm leaving the kitchen!" As if it is somehow Paladin's fault that I eat a bunch of food and still want more, more, more.
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[Lays down for a while, avoids eating, then gives in and makes some "apple muesli" - a blend of apples, almonds, sunflower seeds, chia seeds, cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, turmeric, allspice and cardamom.]
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7:00pm
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Knotweed visited me for a little over an hour. We have not seen each other since September or October. We caught up on each other's lives a bit. I asked her if she ever watched Teal Swan's videos and she said: "Oh my god, yes! Sometimes I just watch them for hours." It's funny, when I asked my dad if he watched Teal's videos, he said he does too. I guess I'm not the only person I know who is a fan of Teal. She is like the Joan Grant of this day - an incredible vault of information on all things emotional and spiritual.
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Knotweed said, "Try this. Go to her website, go to her website and go to her list of videos. Scroll down to where it says 'let the universe choose for me' and watch whatever video comes up. I did it, and it brought up a video about Alchemy, and that is so relevant to me. The word keeps coming up this year. Like when I bought a book off of amazon it said 'Alchemy' on the bookmark that was in it." I thought back to the last potluck I had seen her at, and recalled that that potluck was the one time I had ever heard alchemy brought up at a potluck. Strange, huh?
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So I tried it. It brought up a video about the "Oedipus Complex" which I've never heard of. I called out to Paladin as the video was loading, "Do you know what an Oedipus Complex is?" And he said, "Yes. You haven't?" And I said, "No."
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Well, this video was a bit of a shock for me, because just two nights ago I was telling Paladin about how weird I feel whenever I have a dream about my dad, or when I see him without a shirt on now that he's gotten fit. When I first saw his sick-pack after he had lost weight and put on more muscle I was so moved I walked right up to him and touched him stomach! Afterward, in reflection, I felt kinda awkward!
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In my teen years I had a few sex dreams about my dad. One time I was an octopus in the dream, so I didn't really take the dreams too seriously, but they did weird me out.
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So, yeah, an oedipus complex is being attracted to your parent of the opposite sex (or, if you're gay, of the same sex). According to Teal, it is normal to have at least some attraction to your parent - that we all have it, some more than others. Well, I guess that's a relief. But I've never heard Paladin say he wanted his mother.
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That said, Dragon (my second love) worshiped his mother and went on about how beautiful she was. And Porcupine (my third love), when he was a teen, admitted to me that he once came onto his mother. Although, Porcupine also one gave his uncle oral sex as a kid, willingly, and he also admitted to me that he once tried to have sex with a child when he was a pre-teen. He started his sexual life in third grade, and has been a nymphomaniac his entire life. And he has serious issues about thinking all women will betray him. And anger issues. Yeah, okay, so Porcupine is obviously a weird case.
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In any event, I've had thoughts about my dad in that way, always quickly pushed aside. I have bizarre enough fantasies without adding in anything about my parents into them in any fashion, thanks.
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But Teal says there is processing and thinking that can be done along these lines. She says to write out what my perspective of the relationship dynamic between my parents was when I was growing up. This is relevant because it is likely to be mirrored in my relationships.
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Okay. Well... Hmm. So here are thoughts about my parents, who they are, and my childhood (entirely from my perspective, of course):
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My dad has last say. "What he says, goes."
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My mom always gives dad the best piece of meat. Mom always makes dad breakfast, lunch and dinner. Mom does the paperwork, the bills, the laundry, the errands, the grocery shopping, and the cooking.
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Nobody does the cleaning. The cleaning doesn't really happen.
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Dad works full time. Dad gets involved in big projects outside of work, such as writing a book for several years. Genealogy for several years. Studying chess for several years. Then he gets into social media and starts going out dancing when I was a teenager. Now he's into contact improv and spiritual gatherings.
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Mom hosts meditation circles, goes to physic conventions to be a tarot reader, and takes me to various churches trying to show me different forms of religion and spirituality.
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When I was very small there seemed to be a unity between them. They were kind to each other and me. Then around four or so I started to become increasingly aware of argument and unhappiness between my parents. Often I would hear them arguing after I was put to bed.
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They were never violent, but sometimes they were loud. Not nearly as loud as I was when I was with Porcupine though.
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I don't really know what they argue about. When I think back on them arguing either last week, last year or ten years ago, I draw a blank. They always argue about directions if they're going somewhere new. Mom gets easily offended or feels misunderstood. Dad easily gets defensive and starts cursing if he's upset.
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Cursing is okay if you're upset, but not okay the rest of the time (from my childhood perspective... I guess I still kinda feel that way about it...).
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Mom does the carpentry. Dad lifts the heavy stuff. Dad works on the car (in my early childhood, before they decided to just start taking it to a shop). Mom does the car shopping when the car breaks down. Mom does most of the driving. Dad drives though, and when I went on roadtrips with him he did all the driving.
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I'm not sure if I'm getting anywhere with these reflections, so I guess I'll continue watching Teal's video and see what she says next.
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Okay, so next up is patterns I have in my romantic relationships, and are there any correlations between those patterns and those of my childhood. Well.
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There is the obvious, which is that I always wanted to be a housewife like my mom. And as soon as I started supporting Paladin, I started to relate and empathize with my dad more, when prior to that I had always empathized and related more to my mom.
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I think I could use some clarification and examples of what relationship patterns are. I know I'd recognize them as patterns if they were spread out before me, but pulling them out of my hat is a bit tricky.
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I tend be possessive of Paladin. I'm emotionally needy. My mom says my dad is emotionally needy, but I've never seen him behave that way.
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[Does a google search on romantic relationship patterns and feels utterly dissatisfied with the results.
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Yeah, I guess listing off patterns is tricky, even if you are aware of patterns all the time.
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The next step Teal suggests is listing off the positive things you like in the parent of the opposite sex...
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Determined. Strong will power. Capable of staying stable. Intelligent, deep. Interested in reading and learning. Adaptable to situations. Tells it as he sees it.
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Then the bad things about them:
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Emotionally not very available. Not very good at listening or communicating in general.
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Thing is, I don't think I married my dad. I think I already tried that with my second love and my third love. I think I married my mom. Because Paladin really isn't that much like my dad except for the intelligent and deep part, and the reading/researching part. But Paladin isn't emotionally distant, and he's a great listener. He can be a strong communicator at times. That's more like my mom.
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And this is probably part of why the passion in our relationship is skewed. I married my best friend, not my romantic, passionate lover. Oops.
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It seems to be a good choice, but jeez I need to find another man in my life. You'd think being young and attractive would be enough to find me a boyfriend. Lots of poly women have multiple men. Maybe I'm just too picky. Maybe I'm subconsciously putting off signals that I'm not ready.
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And the video, fascinatingly, goes on to talk about one's beliefs about where one is going with one's life. She suggests that instead of resisting what we believe to be true, instead, recognize our beliefs and then take actions that genuinely cause one to feel more okay about it.
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What an interesting concept. I've been so deep into the "self help" concept of changing myself (which hasn't been nearly as successful as I'd like), that this sort of approach has not occurred to me before. I've been introduced to the idea of allowing, but this strikes me differently. This doesn't mean idly sitting back and letting things happen as they will. It means owning up to my beliefs and not trying to deny what I believe will happen, and then taking steps to make myself truly feel better about that.
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Well, what do I believe?
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I believe my relationship with Paladin will come to an end within three to six years. Why? Because for some reason I'm holding him back, and he's holding me back. I try to deny that all the time, but I believe it.
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I repeatedly ask myself, "If I went looking for someone else, couldn't I find someone more driven, more passionate about life, more full of dreams and plans? Couldn't I find someone who makes a great living and wants me as their house-spouse and sex slave?"
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That doesn't seem like a good habitual thought for a long-lasting relationship.
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[Goes and makes a salad - spinach; minced red and green cabbage; sunflower/tomato 'croûtons' home made from seeds, dried tomatoes, sea salt, fenugreek, cumin, coriander, fennel, curry, turmeric, parsley, basil, and a little honey; 4 crumbled sheets of nori; and kim chi.]
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I also believe I will not continue to live here. I believe I will move. I have trouble believing I will actually found a community or live in a community, even though I know I have believed it in the past. I have seriously looked into visiting communities around the country, and none of them are what I am seeking to found. The community I desire most deeply doesn't exist yet, and the ones that do exist don't seem like the best fit for me, especially with my dietary/health restrictions.
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Knotweed said she is moving with her new boyfriend in September. I asked her if she wanted room-mates. She said she did and she'd love for us to move with her. It felt right. It felt more right than anything has for a while. I told Paladin about the idea. He seems less sure, but he always seems less sure of everything.