So afraid of fear... How absurd!
[12:09am]
."There is nothing to fear but fear itself."
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What a terrible idea! I've been so afraid of fear that I've blocked out my fear with jealousy, with anger, with guilt, with shame, with grief... All so that I could avoid my fear! How absurd! How ridiculous! Just feel the fear. Just feel it.
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Letter to a friend of mine who moved away...
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Hi Parrot,
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Sheep is actually on an island, so he is well away safe from snow. Not sure who has been shoveling. I have not left the house. Have been going through some interesting experiences...
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I've been discovering myself in ways I didn't know were possible... Would you believe that the same Nuria who insisted on polyamory has also been suffering from terrible jealousy? And that that jealousy has just all been a cover-up so that I wouldn't have to feel my shockingly powerful fear of not being loved enough. And that fear turns out to only have sense because I don't know how to love myself, how to be kind to myself, how to give to myself...!
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It sounds so far-fetched when I write it out and when one looks at the stark "facts" about my life. But I'm also learning that emotions are much more complex than I ever realized before. On the surface they seem irrational, and so it is easy to dismiss them... But really, the emotions need to be felt deeply before they begin to make sense. Even the scary ones.
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I've been so busy trying to get in touch with my emotions that yesterday during the first playtest of a bran-new game I had just gotten in the mail I broke down in tears and declared, "I can't do both. I can feel or I can function. But I can't do both." For years I've gotten better and better at mastering the cheerful Raederle who didn't show negativity... That's a great skill, but it isn't the whole truth of me, and therefor I've been lying to myself a lot.
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We played Carcasonne the other night. Mom won. :)
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Have not done much with video games the past couple months. Been working a lot, and discovering what it means to feel. The two are still fairly exclusive of one another, which is part of why so many of us are so shut down.. Hard to "get work done" and feel simultaneously...
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For Thanksgiving we're going to a potluck at Macaw's house which I'm looking forward to. :)