Hiding Myself In The Closet
Last night I didn't fall asleep until around 4am... About six days ago now, when falling asleep I meditated on what I want to manifest in my life. It is people that matter most to me. I understand that now. So I was focusing on everything I wanted in person - authentic, compassionate, loving, honest, spiritual, intelligent, likes board games, and so on... And I didn't even get that far into my list when I got this deep response from "the universe" (or something or other).
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The response was in the form of a feeling spreading all over my body. A warmth. An ability to feel like "the other side" was merely beyond a thin veil a fabric. Weightlessness. Tingling. A strong empathy for myself and everything around me and everything within me. Confidence without ego. Arousal without desperation or need. Strength without opposition or tension.
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Somehow I knew this feeling meant, "What you're asking for is already coming. It is within your grasp and all you need to do is wrap your fingers delicately around it." I didn't get it in words exactly, so it could also be phrased something like, "The timeless integrity of character you ask for is carried within someone you will encounter shortly." Or, "Yes, you're now ready for what you ask for, and it is already be granted to you, even before you ask."
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I couldn't manifest what I wanted these past two years (2013 and 2014) before because I didn't know what to ask for well enough. Mermaid was the incredible woman who introduced me to polyamory in 2012, and she is what I want on many levels, but we're alike in the wrong ways (like neither of us liking driving and both of us ideally wanting to live with our partner or have them come to us). Today I posted something I wrote the day after I met Mermaid which shows how adventurous my very first brush with polyamory was.
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Since 2012 I've been trying really hard to manifest more partners in my life, with some success...
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At the first polyamory gathering I attended in April 2013 I met Basket Bear and foolishly slept with him the same day I met him. He was full of interesting knowledge and knew how to arouse my interest. Of course, much of my drive was just my needy-lusty drive which saw his exposed cock as he exited and entered the hot tub. And then he asked me to shower with him, which I did. And I thought I really wanted that huge cock. But now I know better. Basket Bear found it amusing to ram my cervix with his little monster, and I should have had a clue right there that he wasn't a man for me.
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Then in November 2013 I wrote a seven page manifestation essay. It was written like a present-tense journal entry as if I were already leading the life I wanted. I just read it again now, and it still covers most of the same things I still want now. It was well done, but I wasn't yet in touch enough with my emotions to get anywhere close to manifesting the entire thing.
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Some hints of buried emotions were in it, such as writing, "I am almost jealous sometimes when Oryx goes out hiking with Paladin." There was a hint of the buried jealousy I felt, even though I'd never seen Paladin with another woman at that point. The closest thing I'd ever seen was Mermaid in Paladin lap (which I wrote about in "Meeting a Mermaid").
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I was projecting a future where I was "almost" jealous of Paladin when we went hiking with Oryx... And then I manifested really, potent jealousy of Oryx with Paladin a year later. I wrote about that a couple weeks ago.
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There are other hints of jealousy hidden where I couldn't see it in both the old writings I am uploading today, both the first encounter with Mermaid in 2012 and the manifestation journal entry from 2013. For example, toward the end of post about Mermaid I mention that I'm writing it while Paladin, Gecko and Mermaid are out together without me. I can feel the tension in me even reading those words now, two years later. Yet at the time I wrote that I was "excited" and only looking forward to the possibilities. I didn't acknowledge my fear.
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I realized that last night - emotions have been the missing link. I have to feel every bit of myself and accept every bit of my feelings fully before I can levitate, walk through walls or make pomegranates appear. (I've never actually tried to walk through a wall, but I did once try to manifest a pomegranate and was sad when it didn't work.)
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In the seven-page piece I depicted a person I made up who I named "Solomon." What I ended up getting (the very next month) was a young man around my own age, Jackal. The imagined Solomon and Jackal have some superficial things in common, such as practicing martial arts, belonging to a community and being very interested in people.
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Meeting Jackal was how I was introduced to the co-op houses of the city I live in, because Jackal lives in one. I started attending various events there, and my Dad occasionally came, which, in early 2014, led to amazing positive changes within him. Jackal and I made out a lot, and I'm usually not one for kissing. I really wanted him sexually at first, but I had recently invented a rule that I wouldn't sleep with someone until I had known them for at least thirty days, or until I had seen them on seven separate occasions.
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I had made that rule because of my experience with Basket Bear. I had fallen in love with Basket Bear quite quickly, but it didn't last and couldn't last due to key incompatibilities that I wasn't aware existed at first.
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Well, it turned out to be a very wise rule. After thirty days the dying urge to fuck the daylights out of Jackal was gone. It slipped further and further away and I lost interested entirely after a few more months and ended up being happy we'd never gone past kissing.
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Which is funny, since I never kissed Basket Bear at all, because I'm not usually all that into kissing with most people. It is like the comfortability I need with someone to kiss them is different than what I need to fuck them. And it is also different for being fingered, receiving oral sex or giving oral sex.
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To want to kiss someone I need to find their face attractive, their natural breath odor amiable, their body fit, their facial expressions inviting, their eyes loving, and their demeanor somewhat gentle.
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To want to have sex with someone is not quite the same... I can somewhat ignore imperfect breath, they certainly don't need to seem so gentle or as loving... But I also need more charisma, more lust, more desire to submit... Yet these things don't always apply... For being in the mood to fuck is not the same as being in the mood to make love.
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To be willing to let someone finger me, all they need are clean hands and to be someone I'd could call my friend, even a distant friend. Just enough trust that I know they won't scratch me or intentionally do anything harmful or hasty.
To let someone go down on me... I need deep love with them, all the comfortability I need with kissing and more. I need to feel that they're doing it fully out of love and not to create any obligation within me. I need to fully trust that their own motive is to give me pleasure, nothing more.
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To suck a cock... I'm unsure about this one because the level of comfortability required is through the roof. I wouldn't even do it for Paladin until we'd been together for about eight months, married for several of those months. Complete love, complete trust, and complete empathy of body. I have a strong need to feel that the other person's body is clean inside and out, emotionally and physically and spiritually.
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Everyone has baggage, but having a healthy outlook on that baggage (and not wearing it as fat), are important to me in a partner.
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And so now I feel I might be on the verge of finding someone besides Paladin who I might share such a high level of trust and empathy for. Or, I may have already found them.
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Just two or three days after that night where I had that meditation that spoke to me of upcoming possibility I read a letter from a man who lives not terribly far from where Rooster does - roughly a seven hour drive from me. This man wrote me on the same dating site that I met Paladin on (and also where I met Cerylidae, Mermaid, Fox, Lynx and many people who have become important to me, and it was indirectly through Mermaid that I met Oryx, Papaya, Farm Ox, Rooster, Basket Bear, etc). It seems that the Internet has been endlessly useful in providing me with the people I desire most in my life.
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I'm going to call him an herb of some sort, perhaps Basil or Thyme... (As of tomorrow I end up deciding on Ocimum, with Ocimum's help. Aparently it is another name for Basil.)
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I didn't ask well enough when the result was Jackal or Basket Bear... Because I didn't feel what I wanted. I just had rational decisions about what I wanted. Manifestation takes more than visualization, writing, posting things on the wall and making mental lists of what you want. You've got to really feel why you want it, and how you want it, and what it will feel like when you have it, and how you feel now about the idea of it coming to you.
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I asked really thoroughly when Paladin came into my life in October, 2009. I even wrote poetry about the sort of man I wanted. I had a fling with Unicorn during that long year of being single that preceded finding Paladin, and that was part of the refinement of my understanding of what I wanted in a relationship.
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There was Cerylidae who I slept with once but continued to be friends with afterward... Neither of us had felt spark. He introduced me to Libertarianism - which, like communism, is good in theory, but it is up those who practice and administer it to make sure it actually works for the good of humanity.
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There were of course Hedgehog and Pony who were instrumental to me leaving my third love, Porcupine, in the first place. They helped me see the possibility of a life where I might be something other than a house-wife, something other than just a stay-at-home-mom... I kinda resent them showing me that option, because it was the opening of a door that I eventually stepped through. Cerylidae added to that door-frame and painted pictures of what may be on the other side.
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What would it mean to be absorbed in a career instead of a family? What might it be like to be the wage-earner? What might I do with my life if I were a house-wife yet not a mom?
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But thankfully I still knew myself well enough to seek being a housewife to Paladin. And that was what I was for the first year of our relationship, one of the most peaceful and happiest years of my life. This year is approaching that level of happiness though. I'm getting back there, even though I'm the one who pays the bills. Even though it a role that makes me continually uncomfortable and resentful.
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It is so hard to admit that I just want to be taken care of. Not to just say it, but to feel it, to color my voice with the emotion behind it. I feel like such a child inside. It is no wonder I've hidden from myself! How could I admit that Nuria, strong-and-might perfectionist-environmentalist-raw-vegan was emotionally still stuck at age four, age ten, age fourteen and at age sixteen, the four years of my life where I learned to shut down and shut out further than I ever had prior.
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At four years old I had learned that I didn't want to disappoint my parents. They were so hurt when I wasn't perfect. I started to hide some of my less congenial feelings and inclinations to protect them from the pain they felt when I did anything less than amazing.
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At age ten I began to lock up my sexuality which exploded as a result of my insecurity and loneliness. It grew monstrous as I repressed it, like an angry caged animal raging against the bars by the time I was eleven. Age twelve I lost my virginity, but it didn't help. Age thirteen I slept with another man, but still it didn't help. That same year I got a vibrator, and finally I knew what it meant to orgasm.
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Age fourteen I fell in love for the first time. Wolf ended up living with my family after the house fire. Finally there was a sense of some completeness, and yet the house-fire itself caused me a lot of turmoil that was more than I could handle. Sometimes I shut everything out and felt like a robot. Other times my heart hurt so much I hated everything and everyone, particularly myself. Then Wolf left me when I was fifteen and I was a suicidal wreck for a month.
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I met Dragon a month later. I rejected myself to be who he wanted me to be. Stopped wearing gothic clothing and black lipstick... Not because I was happier, but because that wasn't acceptable to Dragon. A major amount of shutting down and shutting out happened that year. I started smoking copious amounts of pot.
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And now, in my mid-twenties, I discover that everything I repressed when I was four, when I was ten, when I was fourteen and when I was sixteen are all with me. The pain, the fear, the insecurity, the endless aching of the heart... Now when I reach inside I can feel those things. Repression doesn't end it, it just hides it. It is like shoving everything in the closet when you "clean" a room... Yet if you open the closet, a massive pile of stuff falls out... And you can't actually find anything any easier.
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The only thing you gain by shoving everything in the closest is more space on the floor at this moment. And that is nothing to sneeze at. It is worth it in enough cases that almost all humans seem to do it at some point or another. We put more and more in our proverbial closets, trying to retain enough space to function in society... But eventually we find that our memory is lost, and we're not sure what we want, and we don't know how we got where we are... Because we're sitting in the empty room, our memories, desires, and revelations have all been locked away.