Growing apart from him was actually growing apart from myself...
[2014 December 1st, 12:30pm]
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As I had grown apart from my husband I no longer cared when he slept downstairs on the futon. In the first years of our relationship, that never happened. We always slept side by side. Some time later in 2013 or early in 2014 we slept apart for the first time. I'm not sure how I felt about it the first time, because it was just a practical thing that grew out of us desiring different sleep schedules.
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Paladin prefers to nap several times a day and never sleep in a long block. I prefer to do whatever feels best and works with my schedule, and napping usually doesn't coincide well enough will my plans for me to adopt it (although I've tried several times).
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I grew to enjoy sleeping alone for the first time in my life. No extra carbon-dioxide from another person breathing. No extra farts. No extra movement. No losing my blankets over or under another person. No losing my pillows onto the floor. No argument about whether or not I open the window, or whether or not I want the heat lamp on, or which side of the bed we each sleep on. More space to stretch my legs and get that feel-good release to all the tension in my hips.
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Then, early in November Oryx and Hare visited us and triggered a series of deep, horrifying emotional processes. Some were intentional on their part, following guidance, intuition or just their rational thoughts. Others were accidental, not realizing how I would respond. Oryx, my mentor, has taught Paladin and I an emotional processing system. We've been using to great success, especially in October, when we visited them for a week.
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Yet it was quite different having them visit us for a week. There were logistics to consider, their were my sensitivities and health needs that were in direct conflict with Oryx's sensitivities and health needs. There was my chronic guilt which made me feel like I had to put in every ounce of my effort into their projects and comfort, making me feel resentful and ungrateful for their help and teachings.
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I experienced deep anger for the first time in years. Not specifically because Oryx or Hare did anything to be angry about (although they did do a couple of things that made me angry), but because Paladin has been guiding me to take down the walls in my mind. I thought these barriers might be safe to let down. Oryx and Paladin almost had me convinced.
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I think I might be stronger in some ways than either of them, because I was able to drop walls through effort and a little guidance. That is no small feat. But then my anger got me to throwing things, my jealousy ballooned into the huge uncontrollable force that caused me to even button up Paladin's shirt to the neck. What absurd actions! I even attacked my husband and injured my hand (which still hurts even weeks later).
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I said vicious things. I've started seeing images that used to haunt me from horror movies that I thought I had shut out permanently. I started to relive things from past lives, which has never happened before - not in such vivid detail. I started showing my feelings more authentically and fully than perhaps I ever have in my life. (Except, of course, as an infant.)
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But while all of that was interesting, exciting, scary, and problematic... There have been other changes that are more far-reaching.
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Now I feel as clingy as I did seven years ago. My heart hurts when I'm alone for a period of time and know that someone could be touching me if they chose to. This is just how it was with Porcupine - heart pain almost constantly. I don't feel it right now, but I think that is only because I am choosing not to. I think that is why I ate so much food yesterday. It was the first time in a month that I really just didn't care about acknowledging all my deep-seated emotions. I just wanted to play board games, and I did. And it was the happiest day I've had in weeks.
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I feel like this emotional processing is a good thing, but it sure is not a pleasant or easy thing. And I can't just spend all of my time doing it unless I want to lose my work.
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I've started wanting to sleep beside Paladin again. I've been feeling desperate for his touch, desperate for him to make love to me. I feel so afraid of not being loved. I feel terrified of feeling that fear, because that fear is immobilizing and renders me helpless. I can't force others to love me. Even if I dedicate a lot of time to it, there is never enough. So feeling how I feel about it seems unproductive because of how useless it makes me and my life.
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I like to dance, to clean, to draw, to write... I can't do anything I like if I'm crying about how nobody loves me. And my husband isn't even able to show love for me if I am constantly taking up all his energy and time with my emotional processing. He's tried to assure me that he wants me to continue, but I don't rationally see how we can, and I don't feel that we can either.
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I've learned some things... I've learned why I crave food so often. I've learned why I desperately want sex so much. I've learned why sex that I can't have turns into a raging desire for food. I've learned that running helps my digestion, that raw eggs on occasion seem to help my body, that breathing hot steam helps my lungs, that communicating more thoroughly about intentions and desires makes life easier, and that people feel more real and connected when they're honest with one another.
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So I can't say November was unproductive.
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It's rough knowing that everything I've ever repressed is still in me. It's rougher still to know that if I continue, I'll just add to that mass, and have to further reinforce the barriers in my mind. It is a heavy prospect.
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I'm thinking of setting aside Wednesdays, mostly at Paladin's suggestion, for "emotional processing." One day a week to feel. Maybe that will keep me from building up too much, and maybe it'll be enough to very slowly make progress at becoming a fully-integrated self-loving person.
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*sighs*
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Even now I'm pretty shut off and tuned out. It's either that, or choose to not make a living.
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(Pray for me that something changes...)