It's Going To Be 3 Weeks!!!
My parents are gone this weekend. 1 week. I'll be gone the next weekend. 2 weeks. Then I'll be able to go to Houston. 3 weeks.
I broke the news to him tonight. He was oddly... upset by the news. He wants to come down here this weekend. I know if I do that my sister will come over. She's got a 6th sense. Evil!!! I very tempted to have him come down anyway. I can't remember if he's ever even been here. I don't think he has. It's been 3 years or so. What's the harm in letting him come down, just this once? My sister's evil 6th sense, that's what. Oh, to hell with it. if I get caught, then I get caught.
When I had the dream of First John leaving and him not being outside when I followed to say goodbye I thought that was that. I t'were wrong. You see, I started dreaming that I had a faceless, nameless love interest that was the same dream. I'd wake up tired. I had been searching for this person all night long. Well, that's not the end of it.
A couple of nights ago, I had a dream where First John was leaving to go out for the evening. I saw him put his second cell phone (he had a second cell phone for some reason) in a drawer. In my dream, I tried to go to bed but I was restless and went to the drawer to get the second cell phone and read the text messages. I couldn't find it where he left it. (Now, I think that wasn't me looking for him having been unfaithful to me, which I think he was unfaithful, so not entirely about him being unfaithful, but because I wanted to know what was going on. I never got closure because he told me conflicting things and behaved in conflicting ways after the relationship was over. So I think that was my subconscious trying to find answers it'll never get.)
So it becomes morning quickly and he comes back. I'm angry. But I mean I am furious. I know he'd betrayed me and I'm angry in ways I haven't been since I found Buddhism. I start yelling at him. I push him around outside and he flees into the house. I follow him with superhuman-dream speed and I grab him by the back of the head and push him into the bathroom. Then I dunk his head into the toilet and hold his head under the water. So basically at this point in my dreams I'm committing water torture. I keep doing this over and over again all the while telling him how he's worthless and horrible. I am saying harsh, harsh things and bring up old things he did or didn't do. He eventually sucks water into his lungs but I'm still furious. So I give him mouth to mouth and get him to spit up the water and put him on his side so it'll drain out. Then after yelling at him a while longer I go back to the water torture. After I stop doing that, I throw him on the ground and start punching and kicking him. I'm still yelling things at him about the past and how it's effect my relationships and my present life. Then I woke up.
My heart was racing and I was all sorts of anxious and angry. So I take my morning pills, which include something for anxiety that calms me down. I talked to a couple of people online about this. Then I had lunch with a friend. I was talking to my lunch friend and I told her about the dream. She was, knowing how I normally am, floored that I dreamed such anger and violence. I told her that I had decided to allow myself to be angry. I told her that when First John left, I was too hurt and still loved him (always will on some level) to be angry at him. I've had this bottled up for over a decade. So I was going to let myself be angry now. That now is the time to explore my anger. I'll never get rid of it any other way. So I'm just going to have angry dreams and such until I'm ready to let that go. So more self therapy!
Maybe I'll talk to my social worker tomorrow about it. See what she thinks about it. She'll probably tell me to 'be angry at that son of a bitch.' lol
I broke the news to him tonight. He was oddly... upset by the news. He wants to come down here this weekend. I know if I do that my sister will come over. She's got a 6th sense. Evil!!! I very tempted to have him come down anyway. I can't remember if he's ever even been here. I don't think he has. It's been 3 years or so. What's the harm in letting him come down, just this once? My sister's evil 6th sense, that's what. Oh, to hell with it. if I get caught, then I get caught.
When I had the dream of First John leaving and him not being outside when I followed to say goodbye I thought that was that. I t'were wrong. You see, I started dreaming that I had a faceless, nameless love interest that was the same dream. I'd wake up tired. I had been searching for this person all night long. Well, that's not the end of it.
A couple of nights ago, I had a dream where First John was leaving to go out for the evening. I saw him put his second cell phone (he had a second cell phone for some reason) in a drawer. In my dream, I tried to go to bed but I was restless and went to the drawer to get the second cell phone and read the text messages. I couldn't find it where he left it. (Now, I think that wasn't me looking for him having been unfaithful to me, which I think he was unfaithful, so not entirely about him being unfaithful, but because I wanted to know what was going on. I never got closure because he told me conflicting things and behaved in conflicting ways after the relationship was over. So I think that was my subconscious trying to find answers it'll never get.)
So it becomes morning quickly and he comes back. I'm angry. But I mean I am furious. I know he'd betrayed me and I'm angry in ways I haven't been since I found Buddhism. I start yelling at him. I push him around outside and he flees into the house. I follow him with superhuman-dream speed and I grab him by the back of the head and push him into the bathroom. Then I dunk his head into the toilet and hold his head under the water. So basically at this point in my dreams I'm committing water torture. I keep doing this over and over again all the while telling him how he's worthless and horrible. I am saying harsh, harsh things and bring up old things he did or didn't do. He eventually sucks water into his lungs but I'm still furious. So I give him mouth to mouth and get him to spit up the water and put him on his side so it'll drain out. Then after yelling at him a while longer I go back to the water torture. After I stop doing that, I throw him on the ground and start punching and kicking him. I'm still yelling things at him about the past and how it's effect my relationships and my present life. Then I woke up.
My heart was racing and I was all sorts of anxious and angry. So I take my morning pills, which include something for anxiety that calms me down. I talked to a couple of people online about this. Then I had lunch with a friend. I was talking to my lunch friend and I told her about the dream. She was, knowing how I normally am, floored that I dreamed such anger and violence. I told her that I had decided to allow myself to be angry. I told her that when First John left, I was too hurt and still loved him (always will on some level) to be angry at him. I've had this bottled up for over a decade. So I was going to let myself be angry now. That now is the time to explore my anger. I'll never get rid of it any other way. So I'm just going to have angry dreams and such until I'm ready to let that go. So more self therapy!
Maybe I'll talk to my social worker tomorrow about it. See what she thinks about it. She'll probably tell me to 'be angry at that son of a bitch.' lol