an email 2 a friend i need 2 diary
I think I'm a fukn cyclothymic borderline. Fear creates my anx and paranoia. I think my magical thinking and strange autumn shit is either an accident of HM neurons or plain ol creativity borne from mild manic dep AND boredom w the ordinary. But the new med proved my HM wasn't anx. I think we have def perceptual issues.. I think we r paranoid out of anx which stems from fear, low self esteem, abandonment and attachment issues AND a mood that is subject 2 change w out warning. I think ur thoughts r more delusional than mine but I its either from ur detachment and maladaptive beh of ur parents OR something organic in ur brain. I do believe ur malnourished or have been 4 so long that ur brains been starved 4 2 long. But I don't think ur schizo. U can be delusional and even psychotic transiently w out being A psychotic. For me, I'm more borderline than u tho like me being delusional 2, ur also borderline. I think u should read GET ME OUT OF HERE. Its a great memoir!! I think our parents were decent but flawed. I think I became emeshed and u became detached. I'm more in my head cuz I got emeshed w my thoughts. Ur less head aware cuz u detached from ur thoughts. I wuz afraid people would leave or that I wuz nuts so I became obsessed, defensive, neurotic and dependent. You were tired of and afraid of the pain u suffered and witnessed so u broke away from ur needs. U decided 2 run from ur home and self and that's where the anorexia comes from. A resistence 2 desire. 2 bad u didn't just go buddhist instead LOL!!! We r both equally fucked up but also equally gifted and sane. We both have lived 30 years trying 2 avoid pain. We r both avoidant and dependent and that dissonance creates disorganized and narrated thought.
My theory.
For what its worth.
We allowed our pain 2 remain, but we didn't cause it in the first place.
We rnt schizo. We r worse off cuz since we CAN fix most of our shit, we HAVE to try 2 fix at least half.
We can't stay in a hospital cuz we just aren't nuts. We just have days of nuttiness.
I wonder which is worse?!?!
My theory.
For what its worth.
We allowed our pain 2 remain, but we didn't cause it in the first place.
We rnt schizo. We r worse off cuz since we CAN fix most of our shit, we HAVE to try 2 fix at least half.
We can't stay in a hospital cuz we just aren't nuts. We just have days of nuttiness.
I wonder which is worse?!?!