Almost there
So this whole packing thing has taught me that I am not 20 anymore. I've been sore and exhausted all week. I didn't get much done tonight, but there's only tomorrow night and Friday to get through really, then I'll just be waiting for the movers.
It's so close and I'm just ready for it to be over.
I've also been thinking tonight, a lot. After Cw and I spend time together, I've noticed that I get anxious. Anxious is almost an understatement. I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. The better our time together, the more afraid I am of that drop.
I have to ask myself if this is just a remnant of J and the nightmare I went through with him where we'd spend time together, things would seem so much better, I'd have hope, be happy, content even, and then find that the shoe DID drop. Am I just afraid of being close to Cw because I got so hurt by J?
It seems a reasonable fear, if fear is ever reasonable. At least it's an understandable response. My actual reaction is to want to reach out to him and to ask him to reassure me that all is well. I don't though. I just refuse to be that clingy person who has to be babied along all the time. I'm not as fragile as all that, thanks much. I think I will be watching this though. I don't tend to be someone who is upset over nothing, and if I'm tripping over some wound I'd rather ignore, then it's time to heal it and go beyond that pain. Ignoring the hurts we've taken never leads to growth, or to health, or to anything but a state of constant fear and protective behaviors that isolate us and keep us from having the relationships we need in our lives.
Things with Cw are going very well, still. We've changed around the scheduling so we get a bit more time during the waking hours together. I always smile when he leaves because I haven't gotten tired of his company... I always want more. He leaves and I start looking forward to the next time I'll see him. It's absolutely delightful in every sense of the word.
We have had more time this past week as I prepare to move. I've had a holiday off and we spent the day together. I packed, he worked on his programming homework, and we talked a great deal. I still chuckle that he didn't realize that the first two times I hung out with he and Nw, I didn't consider to be dates and I wasn't looking to start anything but a friendship. He looked confused, and honestly he looked almost hurt for a moment. I don't know what else to say, I was trying to make friends. It just ended up being more, and then that ended up being more. This entire relationship has been a completely natural progression that was made without any intent by me to force it into a predefined mold. Everything about it has been different for me, and I've enjoyed every moment.
He also told me that he and Nw hope to have me around for a long time to come. I hope so because I'd really like to stay around for a long time to come. I could still see myself with them permanently. And why not? I haven't had any reason at all to want to leave the relationship.
And yeah, there's that nervousness nagging at the back of my brain again. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a trigger. Bleh.
I'm paying attention to things as I pack though, sort of cleaning house as I go along. I found several reminders of J as I packed. I threw them out. There were letters, tickets from movies, photos, and so on. I even came across my (formerly) favorite picture of us together at a natural dam where there's a space in the rock that looks like a little cubby hole, just human-sized. I ditched it and put another pic, one of family, into the frame.
I was going to throw out the bracelets, and the engagement ring. Cw suggested that instead I let him take them and drop them at goodwill. He pointed out that while they bring me unhappiness, and remind me of unhappiness, they may yet bring someone else happiness. So, I let him take them with him. I just wanted them gone. I also gave Cw and Nw the little chinese soup bowls and spoons that my mother gave to me and J for Christmas. I won't use them, and the sight of them just made me sad. So, off they went. Watch, with my luck, they'll decide to use them and serve something in them while I'm there! *chuckle* That would be the way of it, yeah?
But, the move is almost done, and I am feeling more and more relieved. Tonight and tomorrow and after that, J won't know where to find me at all. I won't have another night of wondering if he's going to show up and try to get me to talk to him.
Even if I hadn't told he and T that any further contact would be dealt with legally if necessary, I don't sincerely believe he has the balls to show up. He's too afraid of T being mad at him and too afraid of me making him face (again) the bullshit routines he thought he was running so successfully. He didn't have the balls to show up when we were together, I know he doesn't have the balls to do it now. But then, J was always a bit of a coward, and never had quite the backbone that I did. I knew that much and admitted it to a friend of his.
All it means is that he won't be here and I will slip away to a place where he will not know where to find me. It means that he will be finally, fully, gone from my life, left behind to do whatever his drunken, pot-infused brain can manage to do. It means that chapter in my life is finally closed and I really won't be returning to it again. It means I will be starting new, and free of J and T and any concern of the hideous levels of drama J creates.
These are good things to look forward to when moving.
It's so close and I'm just ready for it to be over.
I've also been thinking tonight, a lot. After Cw and I spend time together, I've noticed that I get anxious. Anxious is almost an understatement. I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. The better our time together, the more afraid I am of that drop.
I have to ask myself if this is just a remnant of J and the nightmare I went through with him where we'd spend time together, things would seem so much better, I'd have hope, be happy, content even, and then find that the shoe DID drop. Am I just afraid of being close to Cw because I got so hurt by J?
It seems a reasonable fear, if fear is ever reasonable. At least it's an understandable response. My actual reaction is to want to reach out to him and to ask him to reassure me that all is well. I don't though. I just refuse to be that clingy person who has to be babied along all the time. I'm not as fragile as all that, thanks much. I think I will be watching this though. I don't tend to be someone who is upset over nothing, and if I'm tripping over some wound I'd rather ignore, then it's time to heal it and go beyond that pain. Ignoring the hurts we've taken never leads to growth, or to health, or to anything but a state of constant fear and protective behaviors that isolate us and keep us from having the relationships we need in our lives.
Things with Cw are going very well, still. We've changed around the scheduling so we get a bit more time during the waking hours together. I always smile when he leaves because I haven't gotten tired of his company... I always want more. He leaves and I start looking forward to the next time I'll see him. It's absolutely delightful in every sense of the word.
We have had more time this past week as I prepare to move. I've had a holiday off and we spent the day together. I packed, he worked on his programming homework, and we talked a great deal. I still chuckle that he didn't realize that the first two times I hung out with he and Nw, I didn't consider to be dates and I wasn't looking to start anything but a friendship. He looked confused, and honestly he looked almost hurt for a moment. I don't know what else to say, I was trying to make friends. It just ended up being more, and then that ended up being more. This entire relationship has been a completely natural progression that was made without any intent by me to force it into a predefined mold. Everything about it has been different for me, and I've enjoyed every moment.
He also told me that he and Nw hope to have me around for a long time to come. I hope so because I'd really like to stay around for a long time to come. I could still see myself with them permanently. And why not? I haven't had any reason at all to want to leave the relationship.
And yeah, there's that nervousness nagging at the back of my brain again. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a trigger. Bleh.
I'm paying attention to things as I pack though, sort of cleaning house as I go along. I found several reminders of J as I packed. I threw them out. There were letters, tickets from movies, photos, and so on. I even came across my (formerly) favorite picture of us together at a natural dam where there's a space in the rock that looks like a little cubby hole, just human-sized. I ditched it and put another pic, one of family, into the frame.
I was going to throw out the bracelets, and the engagement ring. Cw suggested that instead I let him take them and drop them at goodwill. He pointed out that while they bring me unhappiness, and remind me of unhappiness, they may yet bring someone else happiness. So, I let him take them with him. I just wanted them gone. I also gave Cw and Nw the little chinese soup bowls and spoons that my mother gave to me and J for Christmas. I won't use them, and the sight of them just made me sad. So, off they went. Watch, with my luck, they'll decide to use them and serve something in them while I'm there! *chuckle* That would be the way of it, yeah?
But, the move is almost done, and I am feeling more and more relieved. Tonight and tomorrow and after that, J won't know where to find me at all. I won't have another night of wondering if he's going to show up and try to get me to talk to him.
Even if I hadn't told he and T that any further contact would be dealt with legally if necessary, I don't sincerely believe he has the balls to show up. He's too afraid of T being mad at him and too afraid of me making him face (again) the bullshit routines he thought he was running so successfully. He didn't have the balls to show up when we were together, I know he doesn't have the balls to do it now. But then, J was always a bit of a coward, and never had quite the backbone that I did. I knew that much and admitted it to a friend of his.
All it means is that he won't be here and I will slip away to a place where he will not know where to find me. It means that he will be finally, fully, gone from my life, left behind to do whatever his drunken, pot-infused brain can manage to do. It means that chapter in my life is finally closed and I really won't be returning to it again. It means I will be starting new, and free of J and T and any concern of the hideous levels of drama J creates.
These are good things to look forward to when moving.