thoughts
I'm indifferent about today. I'm not too tired, but no where near awake. I've got enough motivation to mean that I won't be sitting around all day, but I have no direction. There are too many things that I either want to do or that need doing. I can't figure out what I feel like doing. Today is going to be a slow day.
Last night I dreamt that Mark had died some how. I don't remember specifics at all, but I remember parts of scenes that don't seem to make sense on their own. Like Mark's family was Amish or something like that, and we weren't really allowed to be around them, and they disapproved of everything that we had. We snuck into Mark's flat while they were all out, and then hid in a shopping centre while they were there. That's the clearest part. I don't remember much else. It was such a weird dream, and I woke up a little sad. I woke up thinking "oh god how am I going to afford rent on my own?" because in my dream we were obviously still here together. This was around 4am, and I was groggy and still half in a dream when I rolled over and go "I had a dream that you died" and then I kind of woke up and things clicked into place and I was like 'oh you didn't die, I was just dreaming'.
I got like ten hours worth of sleep last night and I still woke up tired. Wednesday night I got eight hours, and I was so dead at work yesterday. It took me forever to wake up at work. I was almost falling asleep playing with the kitty before I went to work. I have no idea how I managed to actually get to work. I was going to ask to go home but the day turned to shit really quickly. One of the ladies had pulled a muscle and was on light duties, and she hadn't been replaced. There wasn't even a note left saying that a six hour shift needed replacing. Joe was on the night before, and the place seriously looked like hell so I wonder why that is. Joe's usually pretty good. He likes to complain a lot about everyone else, especially the supervisor I opened with yesterday, so there's no way he'd leave the place like that. It's exactly the sort of thing that he complains about. And then one of the other girls decided to be sick. Now she is sick an awful lot, which means she's real good at faking, or there is something seriously wrong. I'm betting on her being good at faking, because she seems good at being sick to get the days off that she wants. Yesterday she started at 7am, and it was her long day, and apparently she doesn't like her new contract, especially yesterday's shift, so of course she was sick. Now I seriously want to see that girl actually hurl and then I'll believe that she's sick. She went home sick on the day before her holidays for her wedding started, because she wanted that day off but decided that like that week, and Katie said no because she'd already put holidays in and it was her own fault. And once apparently her now-husband had a suit fitting on a Sunday morning, and she asked for it off but didn't get it and so she was sick that day. I seriously think that that girl has never been sick in her life. And she's not convincing either, but she just nags so damn much that no one really wants her to be there. It just gets to a point where it's like "oh just fucking go home then".
Yesterday actually wasn't such a bad day, once I woke up. It was fairly busy, and overall just an easy day. Nothing too interesting happened, though I did spend half an hour on a mobile phone activating a prepaid service for this elderly couple. The sim card is supposed to come with $10 included credit, but apparently they bought one somewhere else and it didn't have it so there was this whole fuss with Telstra and Woolworths and everything, so we decided to open the phone, and connect it then and there to see what would happen. The gent's wife had gone shopping, so I did it for him, and ignored like three hundred other customers, that eventually got served anyway. I spoke to some Indian woman at Telstra when activating the service, and we couldn't hear each other well. For five minutes she kept asking me if I was saying yes to accepting the terms and conditions and I was standing there just going "yes, yes, yes!" into the phone and then she was like "is that yes you understand or yes you know you have to say yes? now I need a y-e-s answer..." and it was damn frustrating. It took up the most part of my last hour so I was really happy, because I was still tired and going home an hour early was out of the question.
I posted on Facebook that I was trying to figure out CSS for LJ, and Gabby came up on MSN and told me she knew how to do it. We added each other as friends, but I was a little hesitant. I mean, I pretty much am crazy and no one I know (with the exception of Mark, Ally and Drena) really know any of this stuff. I didn't want her to judge me. I don't want anyone to judge me. Especially with the sexuality thing. A lot of people have issues with that. It's not just so much the fact of my sexuality, but just my whole take on relationships. A lot of people think I'm crazy because I let Mark have sex with other girls, and I have sex with other girls. I think it's normal, but I know that a lot of other people will gladly call me crazy, and probably stop talking to me if they knew who I really am. I don't mind though. I'm pretty sure that Gabby wouldn't mind who I was, just as long as I didn't change when I'm around her at work. I haven't actually seen her since she started reading me (right after I posted that huge depressive rant and then the entry after it saying I'd just forget it all) so I don't know if her opinion of me has changed or not.
I also got Kayla onto LJ. I sent her a link to my page and she said she couldn't stop reading, that my writing was beautiful. To her it didn't matter how depressed or weird my ideals are, because she's open minded and knows little bits and pieces anyway. That brings my total of real life friends on my blog up to three, or four if I count Drena, who's as good as a real life friend. I never doubted that Kayla would judge me, much the way I never doubted Ally would. It's exciting because I don't have that many LJ friends. Well I don't have that many LJ friends that regularly read me and leave comments.
Oh and I also have Isis on LJ, but she's also just an online friend who's pretty much as good as a real life friend. I met her through uni, and she's pretty cool. We chat on MSN now too.
Back onto the topic of work for another five seconds. I've been asked to do 7am-5pm on Sunday instead of my afternoon smokeshop shift, and I found out that it's because the girl who's supposed to be opening wanted the morning off so that she could go out Saturday night, and as an extension to her holidays, which start on Monday. That is so not cool. How come I can't do that? That's so not fair. I should have said no, but they would have just gotten someone else to work it and the place would have been a mess for me. I'm really sick of picking up this girl's shifts, and working after her because she's lazy and she leaves the place a mess. So now I have to be in bed early on Saturday night all because she wanted to go out.
And there are actually plans for Saturday night. Mind you, they're plans that only really include me by association, but plans nonetheless. There's this girl, that Mark works with, that was one of Melissa's closest friends, and she is leaving, and she's having a farewell party on Saturday night. I'm invited by association because Mark's invited. I don't think this girl likes me very much, but I guess I won't have to worry about feeling uncomfortable around her when I'm out next because she won't be here. Mark is going, along with all of his friends, and a lot of people that I know through Mark or through my own work. Nat is going, along with those girls. That girl that Mark was trying to get into bed but now is just one of his best friends, is going as well. Originally I didn't want to go, but now I think I kind of do. Even if it's just only to be socialable and catch up with some friends outside of work. I added a lot of those girls on Facebook too, the party ones that go out like every weekend and dress up and get trashed and all that. I used to be friends with some of them. I only added the ones that I knew, like there's this girl that I used to dance with, and one I used to work with, and one I just know because I see her out all the time. They all accepted me, which makes me feel both good and bad (good because if they accepted then maybe I'm cool enough to be their friend, and bad because, well I don't know.). I kind of want to be one of those girls, so that's why I kind of want to go, so that I can party and be seen as fun, instead of being known as the girl who lets her boyfriend go out and hook up but stays at home alone. There's a theme to it too, which I probably won't be following. It's black, white and silver, and I don't really have anything that dressy that'll be good enough. I was thinking of wearing my black and white spotted dress and flats, because I won't be going out for long anyway. I won't need to dress up much. I'll have to be home to be in bed so that I can get up at 6am on Sunday.
I'm looking forward to going out and having some fun. It wouldn't be fair to say that 2009 has been hard so far, but 2008 was and I want some fun this time. And now it's officially country music, so things will be happening every night. I'm planning on going over town a lot, and just soaking up the atmosphere. It really is a fun time of year, even though nearly everyone I know hates it.
The other day when I wrote on Facebook that I needed $500 for textbooks, an online friend commented that I should sell my photos. I was like "oh yea like who would buy them?" and he said he would, and a couple of friends have said the same. That's odd, like I wouldn't buy them. A few ideas mentioned were like post cards and little prints, and sell them during the festival (which is now, so I can't do it this year), which is a really good idea because the country music people buy literally anything. Not that I have any idea how much it'll cost me to print however many photos, how popular they'll be, how many I'll need, how much it'll cost me to rent a stall and all that. But I guess I've got a year to work on it now. I do have some fairly nice shots of nature and stuff, but I'm thinking that during this festival I might hit the town a lot and take lots of festival photos, just of like crowds and whatever else I can find. That way they're not just photos, they're souvenirs. I'm seriously going to think about this idea for the whole year. It'd definately help with textbooks for next year! And then I can take photos throughout the whole year of just anything that tickles my fancy. They'd only be really cheap, and little prints, unless people wanted bigger ones, which I can't understand! But people seem to like my photography, so I better not question it!
I feel kind of bad lately for ignoring people that seem to need me. Just a few friends that lean on me to get through their depression and stuff like that. Lately there have been so many times when I just can't handle it and I feel so bad, because they need someone, and I haven't been that someone. I've wanted to be though, but I just can't. I haven't logged into Drena's group for so long, but I really want to do a lot of things with it soon. I need to be a hundred per cent positive though, and that's going to take some work.
And I got my hair cut too. Now I can see again.
And that is all, I think.