the errors of change and the opening of the doors of success
I've long thought of the analogous terms that an individual is a nationstate. Right now, I am experiencing some foreign policy setbacks. Or, to take away the intellectual veneer: AA drama. It sounds so much prettier with an intellectual cover; it is easier to detach and view as a game. In fact, that's part of my overall detachment issues: I view life as a game. Yesterday I was pondering that analogy, that this is but an extended RPG and I keep getting myself bogged down in side missions when my overall duty is clear and in need of tending.
Either way, this is part of a longterm system change. The slash and burn foreign policy just doesn't cut the mustard, and this is yet another crisis as I shift away from that mentality. From April to June there was the Saga of "Doctor" Arthur. In August, mania set in and I took my pants off an embarrasing number of times with people I shouldn't have even kissed.
Since April, I have been looking at Northside as part of my lifestyle and ethos, as a social outlet, and a place to belong and go to. Of course, given what it is and the people there, I was never under the pretense of good mental health existing there or that it would be all good. The Arthur situation actually is what helped spur about fuller integration of AA and my personal life. Social media advanced that idea and has led to an influx of facebook friends who, aside from that common cause, are quite different from I am. As this was a major election year, there were issues to deal with in terms of that. My naivette and recklessness is continuing to cause problems, and that's just a lack of maturity, lack of thought, and lack of experience.
There seems to be this trend of overextension and then retrenchment. In August, the mania was not related to the program. It all happened with outside forces during one of my periods of expansion. Right now, I am experiencing the latter as my usual transition from summer to fall was not as smooth as it could have been. I blame the month of October, but the months are arbitrary; the need to care for myself to be fully functioning is not. The reality, is that a summer in the sun and of exercise and a renewed social life helped feed my delusions of invincibility. It came and crashed; I allowed a petty emotional entanglement and denail derail me. Back to the RPG analogy: a side mission to find love/lust had me lose some social capital. It ended, quite poetically (I believe) with a "fight," something I had been gearing up for the past several months and years, but happened much sooner than anticipated and in a much different way. So it goes.
All I can do is shake my head as I try to make sense of all of this. I've lost the weight and put the bottle down, but I still seem to be having systematic life issues. Again, a lot of this is immaturity and stubbornness. There is nothing wrong with being gay, or bipolar, or alcoholic, or having weight issues --if you address them and take care of them properly and accordingly in a mature and responsible fashion. In fact, taking care of them would make me the better person I want to be. So, I don't blame anyone for what's going on right now, as I know what needs to be fixed and I have fairly decent ideas on how to fix them.
I need to practice the art of direct communication without being aggressive and realise not everyone will agree with me. This may sound foolish and naive, but that is where I am. Sometimes, I really do want to believe that everyone truly is just, kind, positive, and willing to change; I want everyone to embrace their inner good and behave accordingly. Yet more and more in conversation, I have people noting that what I consider simple human decency is actually quite admirable and perhaps altruisitic.
I'm not sure where my moral compass came from, but I know it is there. Arthur helped stir things up and helped bring in some good changes, but he is gone, off somewhere and perhaps drunk. Manic August with all its sexual conquests yielded no relationship, no potential romance of any sort, and made some ideas clear that only recently have I begun to accept.
I don't know what the point of this entry was; I suppose it was to remind myself to think long-term and strategically; the point was to plan. Again, my compass is there, I just need to listen to it more often. It gets easier.
Either way, this is part of a longterm system change. The slash and burn foreign policy just doesn't cut the mustard, and this is yet another crisis as I shift away from that mentality. From April to June there was the Saga of "Doctor" Arthur. In August, mania set in and I took my pants off an embarrasing number of times with people I shouldn't have even kissed.
Since April, I have been looking at Northside as part of my lifestyle and ethos, as a social outlet, and a place to belong and go to. Of course, given what it is and the people there, I was never under the pretense of good mental health existing there or that it would be all good. The Arthur situation actually is what helped spur about fuller integration of AA and my personal life. Social media advanced that idea and has led to an influx of facebook friends who, aside from that common cause, are quite different from I am. As this was a major election year, there were issues to deal with in terms of that. My naivette and recklessness is continuing to cause problems, and that's just a lack of maturity, lack of thought, and lack of experience.
There seems to be this trend of overextension and then retrenchment. In August, the mania was not related to the program. It all happened with outside forces during one of my periods of expansion. Right now, I am experiencing the latter as my usual transition from summer to fall was not as smooth as it could have been. I blame the month of October, but the months are arbitrary; the need to care for myself to be fully functioning is not. The reality, is that a summer in the sun and of exercise and a renewed social life helped feed my delusions of invincibility. It came and crashed; I allowed a petty emotional entanglement and denail derail me. Back to the RPG analogy: a side mission to find love/lust had me lose some social capital. It ended, quite poetically (I believe) with a "fight," something I had been gearing up for the past several months and years, but happened much sooner than anticipated and in a much different way. So it goes.
All I can do is shake my head as I try to make sense of all of this. I've lost the weight and put the bottle down, but I still seem to be having systematic life issues. Again, a lot of this is immaturity and stubbornness. There is nothing wrong with being gay, or bipolar, or alcoholic, or having weight issues --if you address them and take care of them properly and accordingly in a mature and responsible fashion. In fact, taking care of them would make me the better person I want to be. So, I don't blame anyone for what's going on right now, as I know what needs to be fixed and I have fairly decent ideas on how to fix them.
I need to practice the art of direct communication without being aggressive and realise not everyone will agree with me. This may sound foolish and naive, but that is where I am. Sometimes, I really do want to believe that everyone truly is just, kind, positive, and willing to change; I want everyone to embrace their inner good and behave accordingly. Yet more and more in conversation, I have people noting that what I consider simple human decency is actually quite admirable and perhaps altruisitic.
I'm not sure where my moral compass came from, but I know it is there. Arthur helped stir things up and helped bring in some good changes, but he is gone, off somewhere and perhaps drunk. Manic August with all its sexual conquests yielded no relationship, no potential romance of any sort, and made some ideas clear that only recently have I begun to accept.
I don't know what the point of this entry was; I suppose it was to remind myself to think long-term and strategically; the point was to plan. Again, my compass is there, I just need to listen to it more often. It gets easier.